1168: Hammer Effect – Chapters 6 & 7

Title: Hammer Effect
Author: Kamzil118
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)/ Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL:  Chapter 6 & 7
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

Ert: So the last time we got the most pointless chapters that we could get, what with the Imperium fighting to defend people they don’t care about. Basically author couldn’t come up with consistent characterization. So, where are we going now?

Author’s Note: Sorry for not posting any new update, I have read plenty of reviews that go from page one to three and in some way I was forced to change some parts in the story.

Nora: The previous version was worse. I’m not sure how that’s possible.

So if you have no clue of what is going on start from chapter one. I have also replaced Macha with Lofn. Why? Because I think it would be a great idea to use a character that receives very little attention in the 40K Universe.

Nora: And his idea of that was going back, changing the Farseer’s name and nothing else. Basically whatever character the Farseer used to be, the new one was exactly the same for the first few chapters.

I should have informed everyone who is a bit pissed off that the Kriegsman is not acting like a Kriegsman. General Siegfried is supposed to be a character that has a history of doing weird shit, forming a Krieg unit called the Terranis Rangers, being a pupil of the Tactical Genius, and has a more ‘positive’ attitude than his peers. Sadly, I have a poor way of executing things. By the Emperor, here we go.

Cornelia: “He doesn’t act anything like a Kriegsman!” Well you see, he has a tendency to act differently. “…THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN ANYTHING!” And what are these rangers even supposed to be?

Ert: Not to mention one of our complaints wasn’t that he didn’t act like a Kriegsman, but the fact that he couldn’t shut up about it. And survived somehow. Kriegsman shoot their own for displaying cowardice.

The Big Man

Nora: Oh boy.

The Embassy

General Siegfried woke up from his cot without his mask on after a Grenadier informed him that the Farseer needed him. “Frak, why in the warp do I have my mask off?”

Ert: Fuck if I know. I didn’t even know you HAD a mask. I mean it’s standard issue for the Death Korps, but you’ve been shitting on everything they stand for so much I’m surprised you even still have the uniform.

He questioned to himself. Once he got dressed and place his mask on, he walked into a meeting room that was recently the war room. “So Farseer Lofn, what do you need me for?”

“I was informed by your men that the Emperor…” She hesitated to speak. “Is coming.” If she knew his facial expression he would be shocked, but he raised his eyebrows behind his mask.

Cornelia: Ok, this author isn’t allowed to talk about masks anymore. First Tali’s teleporting face and now Lofn can see his facial expressions through it.

“The Emperor? I thought he was in stasis trying to fight off the Chaos gods.”

“Well it seems that he is back on his feet. I cannot confirm if these reports are true.”

“Even if those reports are true, I wouldn’t trust you if you reported such information to me.” Then she responded while she folded her arms.

“You don’t trust me.”

Ert: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We have done this! We have done this until it got old AND THEN WE DID IT A FEW MORE TIMES FOR GOOD MEASURE! Everyone flat out saying that they don’t like the Eldar. Ok. That’s true to lore. When are you going to DO something with it!?

“That’s because it’s the Emperor, not some simple piece of information. Although you are here out of curiosity, I doubt I can trust you with anything unless you show me evidence to prove that you have the truth.”

Ert: I already said I can’t trust you but I’m going to say it again because that’s the extent of our relationship. I am physically incapable of saying anything else.

“Just because I am partly an Eldar.”

“Partly an Eldar?” Questioned the General. Then Farseer Lofn realized what she just said, a secret that she kept from anyone and now this man knew.

Cornelia: Because she would just idly drop that secret to someone who has been an asshole to her the entire time she knew him. Honestly author, is there no better way to drop a big reveal? Like maybe having the two of them growing to trust each other?

Then General Siegfried started to chuckle to himself. “This has to be a joke.” He stated while he smiled under his mask. “This is what, an Eldar/Human hybrid looks like. I knew those damn tech-priests were just shitting me.”

Ert: Shitting you about what? Why would tech-priests ever talk about Human-Eldar hybrids? Priests would just say that it’s impossible, and regular priests, not tech priests.

Then he chuckled some more. “I wonder how the Eldar agreed to put you as a Farseer.”

Cornelia: Actually I’d like to know that too.

His chuckles died away when he could sense a glare from the Eldar Farseer. “Forgive me for any offense I have caused.” Then he saw Lofn make fists making him stop his actions.

“You made quite enough offenses.” Stated Lofn while she walked away with a firm grip on the handle of her sword. Then he began to pity her.

Nora: Oh, after all of that crap that he’s been giving her, all of a sudden he’s starting to feel sorry for her because she’s a mutt? Yeah I don’t buy it.

(Gary Stu Counter: 13)

From what he knew about the Eldar, they were uptight about being the best in the universe. To have a hybrid was heresy in their eyes and in the Imperium’s view, such relations would get the parent killed by an execution squad. Then he felt the guilt come over him after he thought about his actions.

“I am such an asshole.” General Siegfried said to himself.

Nora: I have been adamant about every part of the Imperium religious doctrine except the part about the Emperor being a God. But for some reason I feel sympathetic for a Human having sex with an Eldar. MY PERSONALITY MAKES NO SENSE!

Outside of the Citadel

A large golden fleet

Cornelia: Even the Imperium isn’t obsessed enough with bling to have ships made out of gold.

appeared from the warp catching the inhabitants of the citadel off-guard. To some areas, people began to panic that a fleet had come. However, the crew would decide whether they should kill the xeno’s or not.

Ert: They jumped into the middle of the Citadel without even deciding what they were going to do when they got there? GAH!

Dropship of sorts began to come down to the ports, dropping Guardsmen from various regiments, sections of the Eccliesiarchy, and the famous Space Marine Chapters that had joined this momentous day to see someone of great importance walk down an aisle formed by these warriors.

Cornelia: No one from the Mechanicus, Inquisition, Navy or all the other organizations in the Imperium showed up?

Loud thumps could be heard from the inside of a dropship while the docking stations attracted many civilian xenos. Then a figure wearing gold armor stepped forward with the skull scanning the area with his red eyes. The warriors began to go on one knee, showing their respect before their great leader… the Emperor.

Nora: Why are you acting like this is some great reveal? We already know who it is. It’s stupid but it’s not surprising anymore.

“Alright people, stand up I have enough of this back on Terra.” The warriors stood up while the Emperor selected a member of each chapter and a general from each regiment. “Now, time to get this over with.”

Ert: Once again, this supposedly whacky and foul mouthed version of the Emperor is so bland he’s threatening to put me to sleep. If he was really based on “The Emperor’s Text to Speech Device” he’s say something like “Yes yes, bow before me without any fucking thought because the cock hats told you too. Holy mother of myself, I forgot just how ass backwards you all are. Stand up straight, don’t slouch over. Don’t look at me like that dumbass, you’ve got 10,000 years of stupidity to make up for.”

The Embassy

General Siegfried heard loud steps come into the embassy while he was leaning over the meeting room table. He went to investigate where it originated from, but when he turned around he saw a golden hulk stand in front of him.

Cornelia: Well, I’m glad my investigation is taken care of. Seriously, pick better words.

Then he observed the armor for a minute to see that it resembled the armor of the Emperor. General Siegfried snapped his boots to attention while placing his fist over his heart. “That’s new.” Stated the golden giant. “You must be General Siegfried.”

Ert: Because the fucking EMPEROR OF MANKIND would learn the name of this nobody. The fuck has Lt. Stu done that’s so important? Seriously, his accomplishments? Name them. The Greater Daemon? NO ONE WAS AROUND TO SEE THAT!

(Gary Stu Counter: 14)

“It’s an honor to meet you.”

“You have a title called the Oddball of Krieg?” Wondered the Emperor.

“Segmentum Command thought of that one.”

“Really, they couldn’t call you something better.”

“I’m not on good terms with them.”

Ert: You are talking with the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! Five minutes ago you thought that he was on the brink of death and never coming back! Show SOME FUCKING EMOTION! A little bit of surprise, shock, awe, ANYTHING to get us away from this boring dialogue that isn’t good for anything other than exposition. AND EVEN THEN IT’S PRETTY AWFUL EXPOSITION!

“I must say, you are quite a troublemaker when I read your ‘famous’ reports.” Siegfried gulped. “Kissed a Cannoness and survived her wrath,

Nora: “Survived her wraith” makes it sound like he did it without her permission. So Lt. Stu is a fucking horrible person and I hope he dies a painful death.

(Gary Stu Counter: 15)

wiped out an entire Tau ground force by digging a bunker complex under their positions before charging out with ten Baneblades stolen from General Stubbs,

Cornelia: Why does digging under their positions relate to charging them with tanks?

Ert: STEAL tanks from VANCE MOTHERFUCKING STUBBS!? This guy isn’t the Oddball of Krieg. He’s the fucking moron of Krieg. Why STEAL them? What point does that serve other than going for Lt. Stu being a rebel against authority, even when it makes NO FUCKING SENSE!

(Gary Stu Counter: 16)

and last but not least, created… Melta Bomb launchers.”

(Gary Stu Counter: 17)

Ert: Please tell me where he got the technical know how to make this and the production line to keep said launchers from running out of ammunition. Also this sounds like the type of weapon that you could accidentally kill yourself with.

Then Siegfried began to whistle a tune while the Emperor stared at him. “By creating such weapons it was considered techno-heresy by the Priesthood of Mars, but you seem like you didn’t care.” The general took a deep breath.

Nora: How long until he starts sucking Stu dick?

“Well, I wanted some anti-tank armor for my grenadiers and Rangers. Seemed like it was logical and it worked well.”

Cornelia: Anti-tank armor? You mean an anti-tank…tank? What do Melta launchers have to do with that?

“For someone to get into plenty of trouble, you seemed like you get things done. I wonder what makes you think like that?”

Ert: He gets things done, no matter how stupid his actions are, because Stus always win.

“Well sir, you are a psyker. Could you just look into my head?”

“No, if I did, your head will explode.” He gulped once more. Then the Emperor looked around. “Strange, seems like I am not the only psyker.” Doors opened and Farseer Lofn stepped out to grab both of their attention. “No wonder, a Farseer.”

Cornelia: I guess she was just standing in the corner for no real reason.

“You must be the Emperor.” Stated the Eldar.

“Yes I am, it’s good to see the granddaughter of one of my opponents.”

“You knew, Farseer Eldrad?”

“It’s not hard to forget that dick. So general, why do you have her here?” General Siegfried didn’t know what to say.

Ert: 1d4chan calls this guy a dick constantly. So the one time the Emperor can really swear is the time it’s ripping off 1d4chan. I mean hell I do it sometimes, but I don’t RELY on it for everything.

“She wanted to be here.” He stated. If the Emperor had a facial expression, his eyebrows would be raised.

“Is that all?”

“Yes sir.”

Nora: We don’t really think things through, we just go off and do things on the flimsiest or pretenses.

“Do you know why I am here?”

“No, I do not know the reason for your presence.”

Cornelia: Did you really have to keep going after no?

“Then I’m going to surprise you. You are going to be leading the expansion of the Imperium.” General Siegfried was shocked.


Ert: *Head desk* What experience does this prick have with colonization and administration? You want the Administratum for that, not the Imperium Guard!

(Gary Stu Counter: 18)

“Let me continue. You will have full authority over everything past these ‘relays.'” Then he looked at Farseer Lofn. “Did I say that right?” She nodded in confirmation. “Although you have full control, you will only answer to me and no one else. Understood.”

“Yes, sir”

“Good, I’ll just send you an expedition fleet capable of colonizing a ‘few’ worlds.”

Cornelia: Again, we don’t really need much justification to do whatever we want.

“Did you promote me from a general to a Rogue Trader?”

“In some way, but I need you to do something.”

“What is it?”

“Be nice to the Eldar.”

Ert: There are plenty of more experienced Rogue Traders out there who both have experience dealing with colonization AND aliens. Lt. Stu is basically getting this because of Stu. Rule of thumb, if the universe revolves around the main character, he’s a boring Stu. Maybe have more interesting characters do the Rogue Trader thing? Have your cast be more than just your Stu? Just a thought.

“Under-, wait what?!” That grabbed the attention of both the Farseer and the General. Then the Emperor began to laugh.

“I’m planning to decrease humanity’s hostilities with the Eldar since we both need each other if we are to live in this fucked up universe.”

Cornelia: You know, when there’s extreme conflict between two races you need more than just the leader of one side saying “Ok, I’m done.”

“Is that a good idea, we never get along?”

“General, you and the Farseer are going to work together from this point on. I’m going to fix things that should have been done a long time ago.” Then the Farseer and the General gave each other glances. “Another matter I wish to get myself into, can I meet this Citadel Council that is supposed to be some sort of peaceful group of aliens?”

Nora: Uh. Emperor. The Farseer doesn’t have to do what you tell her to do. If she wants to leave and go back to her Craftworld, what are you going to do? Hold her hostage and force her to cooperate?

“I’ll have to inform someone about that if you wish for an audience.”

“Good.” The General and the Farseer left the embassy meeting room to find themselves in the break room.

“Working with you pointy-eared people is one thing, but being nice to you is another.”

“Are you dissatisfied with the word of your Emperor?” Questioned Lofn, who sat in chair.

“No, it’s just that your people are known to be very good manipulators.” He said while he pulled out a ration bar from his coat.

Ert: OH COME ON! Emperor leaves the room for three seconds, THREE FUCKING SECONDS, and Lt. Stu ignores what the Emperor said about being nice and goes back to the tired and cliched dialogue that we’ve already gotten a dozen times in this story.

“I’ll take that as a complement.”

“Really, I thought that was going to be an insult.”

“I am part of race that has more knowledge about the universe than anyone. To be called very good manipulators is an understatement.”

“Says the half-eldar hybrid.”

Nora: Zing? Isn’t that basically him admitting that his own race is inferior?

“You take that back.” Demanded Lofn.

“Are you easily offended by such silly words?” Questioned Siegfried.

“No, but to hear it from you makes me want to kill you myself.” Then General Siegfried chuckled. “What’s so funny?”

“The Emperor just told us that we should play nice, so much for that.” Then he quickly changed his expression behind his mask.

Cornelia: You’re the one that’s been trying to start shit with her every since he left, not sure why you’re bringing that up just now after you bluntly weren’t listening to him.

“I guess that is funny.” Commented Lofn while Siegfried noticed her tone change.

“Hey, don’t get bogged down by a guy who wears a mask for most of his life.

Ert: And your mask relates to this situation how? And don’t act like an asshole and then say people shouldn’t get worked up over it.

I’m just being an asshole and everyone has to deal with those kinds of people.” Then he spoke out his thoughts. “I wonder, do the Tyranids have assholes?”

Nora: Not only is that random and not related to anything, it isn’t really funny.

Then he heard the Farseer make a small laugh, but it was loud enough for him to hear. “I’ll inform the council of the Emperor’s arrival.” Then he unwrapped his ration bar. “Right after I get a chance at my blueberry bar.”

Cornelia: Right, I’m sure that the Imperium has blueberry ration bars instead of tasteless gray sludge.

The Presidium

The council waited again for a new arrival that had come to the Citadel. “So, why did we get up right now?” Questioned Valern.

“I have received a call from C-Sec, that the Emperor of Mankind is here.” Answered Tevos.

“Wait, you mean that guy that the human talked about. The one that supposedly sacrificed himself for the rest of his race.” Commented Sparatus.

Ert: Can we please use vocabulary that is less bland? “That guy” pick up a thesaurus for the love of God. To go with the dictionary you badly need.

“Yes, it seems that he is here.”

“I doubt that would be him. I mean, they told us that the damage was so bad that he couldn’t recover from it.”

“So, maybe it could be him?”

“Councilor Tevos, they said that the event happened longer than ten generations. I doubt that he would be alive at this point.” Then a voice began to make the councilor’s stop talking to see this stranger in gold armor while his head was a skull.

Nora. “The event happened longer than ten generations.” Jesus fucking Christ author. First of all, since when is 10,000 years ten generations? Second of all, “happened longer”? How about “Happened x years ago”. Author, please tell me English isn’t your first language. I don’t think Ert can handle another EP.

“You were saying about me being alive.” The council stared at this giant while the Space Marines stood behind their great savior.

“Are you the one that is called the Emperor of Man?” Questioned Valern.

“Yep, I’m that guy.”

“Excuse me, before we even continue. Are you the one that your species talks about?” Demanded Sparatus.

“Yes, I told you. I am that guy.”

Ert: SO! FUCKING! BORING! “Are you the Emperor?” “Yes” “Are you the Emperor?” “Yes.” STOP FUCKING REPEATING YOURSELF AUTHOR! Say something and then fucking move on! IT WORKS FOR THE REST OF US!

“Then explain to me why you are a giant mech standing in the Presidium.”

“Do not insult the Emperor!” Demanded one of the Space Marines, but the Emperor gestured a hand to prevent the warrior from causing any damage.

Nora: How dare you use the incredibly insulting term of “Giant Mech”. You can’t use that term! Only we can use that term!

“Stand down. I this is called diplomacy for a reason.” Stated the Emperor before turning his attention towards the Turian councilor.

Ert: I’ll pull that up later.

“I wonder, was humanity uplifted by a machine that they decided to worship.”

“Are you still calling me a machine?”

“Well you don’t look like an organic.” Stated Sparatus.

“Excuse me for not going to your expectations. I have been stuck on a fucking throne far longer than your lifespan. It’s really hard to keep the organic look unless I want to die.”

Cornelia: You know, he really is more machine than man by this point. Usually when the Emperor went off on his asshole spree, he had some kind of a point to it, he didn’t get caught up on minute stuff like this. Unless it was funny. And I’m not laughing.

“You were aware of that the whole time?” Questioned Valern.

“Yes, if I wasn’t. Humanity was going to go through another Dark Age of Strife that I just got them out of.”

Ert: Oh my God. The Dark Age of Technology and the Age of Strife are two different things and he just slapped them together. This author is just giving me a constant head ache.

“How were you able to go back on your feet?”

“The tech-priests of Mars were the ones that did this. Without them, I doubted I would through my first year.”

“I would like to know about the technology of your people?”

Nora: The Council really do feel like automatons saying “I would like to know about x” over and over again without any soul to it. Because this story is about as bland as cardboard.

“I would certainly let you look at it, but if any of assholes start trying to gain anything from it. You are going to see a bolter round in your face.” They all gulped.

Ert: What was it he said? “Stand down. I this is called diplomacy for a reason.” Not two minutes later he threatens to shoot them in the face

“Why are you here?” Asked Tevos. The Emperor’s attention turned to her.

“Well I was wondering if I can do a bit of colonization with the worlds near the relay. That would start us off with good relations with you and the rest of the aliens that live nearby.”

“You are asking for colonization rights?”

Nora: No, I want tourist rights, that’s why I said I wanted to colonize the planets. Why would I ever say I wanted to colonize planets if I wanted colonization rights?  Right?

“Of course, I have learned that the Tyranids have a foothold in this part of the galaxy. It would do both of us some good if I establish colonies to help neutralize this threat.”

Ert: Actually that’s a dumb idea. Civilians = more people for the Tyranids to eat. You want military strongholds, preferably expendable ones. This is because the most effective way to fight the Tyranids is to force them into a drawn out ground battle before abandoning the planet and blowing it up. Lots of Tyranids die and they don’t get the biomass they were after.

“I must consult with the rest of the council on that subject. Please let us retire for a moment.” The council left the Emperor while they spoke in private.

“Councilor Tevos, we must not let such a race enter our space. It would be a danger to the rest of the species.” Demanded Sparatus.

“I beg to differ.” Stated Valern. “This would help us know about some of their technology that they have used.”

Cornelia: You keep saying “This will be good to let us know about their technology” and then saying you need to do something else. Like the previous time you said you needed to do something didn’t count.

“You wish to get the technology. I wish that they leave for the safety of the galaxy.”

“Councilor Sparatus, I understand that the Hierarchy wants to protect the galaxy from any threats, but we need help. They know something about these Tyranids and if we get rid of their presence. Everyone will still be in danger.” Commented Tevos.

“So in order to gain their help, you give them colonization rights. They are not even part of the Citadel Council.”

Nora: You know, the galaxy is pretty freaking big. The Council doesn’t really have overwhelming control to determine who can settle where outside of their direct borders.

“That is not your choice councilor. Have you forgotten about their ships, they have more power than any of us combined. They could declare war on us and we wouldn’t be able to stop them.”

“I do not trust them. They seem like they want to expand.”


“I wouldn’t doubt that, unless we have a way to confront them. We must give them what they want. Who agrees with me?”

“I.” Stated Valern.

“I, but if this goes wrong. You are the one to be blamed.” Stated Sparatus. Then the council returned to receive the attention of Emperor.

“The council has settled that the Imperium of Man will have the rights to colonize Eden Prime…”

Nora: Oh bot. Looks like this story is going to be following the standard plot for Mass Effect, regardless of how little sense it’s going to make.

C-Sec Office

Nora: Can you specify which one? I think there might be quite a few offices dedicated to C-Sec on the Citadel

Garrus was looking through his mail to receive one from his partner. He began to inspect it and he found something he didn’t expect. A recording. Since he was alone in the office, he decided to play it. His partner spoke in a sad tone. “Garrus, I’m sorry to say this, but this is the last time you will be seeing me.

Ert: Well this is already really annoying and overly dramatic. Also what is so unexpected about a recording in his mail?

I have learned that a Spectre named Saren Arterius is working with the Geth. I know that it sounds weird to think that the Geth would work with anybody, but I have footage. He is not informing the council of his actions and he is kidnapping people for some kind of research.

Nora: I decided to forward this information to a low ranking C-Sec officer instead of someone who could use the information to directly stop him because we need to pad out this story and follow the standard ME1 plot.

I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think it’s for the right reasons.


I even got reports of him tying up loose ends that made attempts on telling the council.” Then he pulled out an Elkoss pistol and aimed it somewhere beyond the edges of the screen. “However, when I found this pile of information I was detected. Whatever you do, try and stop that guy.” Then he began to send the information, but Garrus heard the doors open behind the screen and gunshots could be heard in the background before the screen turned black.

Cornelia: Is there any reason he gave a melodramatic speech about what was going on instead of sending the information as fast as possible before he got killed? And how did he end and send that recording before he got killed? Were Saren’s henchmen just suicidal?

Emperor’s Wrath

A Year Later

Nora: And with that a new chapter and a timeskip. Guess all those changes the Emperor would’ve made to the Imperium just would’ve been boring huh?

When the Citadel Council had officially given the Imperium the garden world, it the settlements were not built right away since the expedition fleets had not arrived. When they did, they swarmed the planet. Starting off with small settlements of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Although it was small, the tech-priests planned how to utilize such planet for days without stopping and when they stopped.

Ert: Ok, so we’re getting a detailed description in how this planet is being settled in a way that’s really fucking boring.

They deployed their infinite workforce manpower to construct the basic buildings that kept order and then they began to construct cities within days. With workers going in day and night shifts, more settlements were born when the first city was constructed. However, that was not the only construct that the tech-priests were concentrated on. They also had armies of farmers plowing the untamed land into the light of the Emperor.

Cornelia: It sounds like the Emperor’s attempts to get people to stop worshiping him as a God went nowhere. See, this is why you might want to go into depth on how that went so we aren’t constantly confused.

At the same time, the increased relations with the Eldar had the Craftworld of Ulthwe appear next to the planet assisting the construction with their wraithbones. The sounds of music began to mix in with the hard sounds of machines as the Eldar and humans began to form a society that tolerated each others presence.

Nora: So an entire Eldar Craftworld just parked itself above Eden Prime and the Eldar and Humans are getting along…because the author said so. Yeah, the Eldar really have no reason to be sticking around a Human planet wasting time and resources on it. Just because the author wants it to happen and the Emperor wants it to happen because the author wants it to happen, doesn’t mean it’ll happen.

With the increased population setting in, few of the Imperial Guard Regiments began to flock towards this new frontier to establish multiple fortresses that protected the planet all around. The Elysium Drop Troops, the Armageddon Steel Legion, the Praetorian Guard, and the Death Korps of Krieg.

Ert: You know, while it’s a thing for Imperial Guard to act as garrisons, they’d most likely spend time on active fronts, especially if there was fighting in the area. And there are Tyranids. Speaking of which, the Tyranids have had an entire YEAR to spread and increase their numbers. YOU WANNA GET RID OF THEM ANYTIME SOON!?

They kept order of the people as they also displayed the power of their hammer that was part of the Emperor. However, they were not the only warriors that shared this planet. A company of the Dark Angels had brought their battle barge to ensure that people of Eden Prime did not leave their loyalty of the Emperor. If there was one such person who did, they would ensure that such person repents or dies by their hand.

Cornelia: Yeah no. It’s iffy but possible for Imperial Guard to be on garrison duty, but the Dark Angels have better things to do. They would either be actively hunting down the Tyranids or they wouldn’t bother with this region of space.  Or, you know, they’d be doing that…thing.  That thing with the Fallen.  That little thing where they hunt down members of their chapter that betrayed the Emperor in the Horus Heresy, torture them to death and kill anyone who learned about it.

At the same time, the Citadel Council prepared a specialized team to observe any changes that came upon the world. Then a new ship came from the relay to be under the command of General Siegfried.

Eden Prime

Nora: After all that description it just abruptly cuts out with “Oh BTW, Council team and new ship, moving on!”

Farseer Lofn began to leave the space port as she went over to the government buildings of the Imperium. Unlike the buildings of the craftworld, they were bulky and seemed very terrifying for any newcomers.

Nora: With Eldar buildings being well known for being warm and cuddly.

She began to enter the building to see a woman working at a desk, speaking to people on vox channels. Then she noticed the Farseer. “Excuse me ma’am, who are you here for?”

“I am looking for General Siegfried. Where is he?”

“Second floor, room 215.”

Cornelia: So just anyone can come in and see a General? No appointments have to be made?

Ert: This version of the Imperium is incompetent in all the wrong ways.

Then Lofn searched for the room and when she found it, the general’s name was plated on the door. She decided to knock, but there was no response for a moment. She turned the knob to see Siegfried sitting in his chair while his head was faced up. His feet were on top of his desk before she heard a yawn from behind his mask. He looked around to see his surroundings and then he noticed Lofn standing there. Lofn looked around his room and saw that it was really a room for a regular Imperial citizen.

Cornelia: Well that paragraph was a great big load of nothing.

“You have all the power at your command, but yet you sleep in a room fit for a ganger.”

“Farseer Lofn, you do realize that I don’t want to sleep in a palace of some sort. It would be a waste of resources.”

Nora: Oh he so humble. Look how humble he is.

(Gary Stu Counter: 19)

“Yet, you make a restaurant with a Basilisk cannon on it’s roof.”

“Don’t blame me, almost everyone petitioned me to construct the building. Including the Dark Angels.” Lofn nodded her head in disbelief.

Ert: How about putting you artillery somewhere where it can actually be useful?

“Have you checked your schedule?” She asked the general.

“Ever since I got this position, that schedule has been a pain in the ass for some time. I’d rather be surprised than know what’s going to happen today.”

Nora: Oh ok. Orbital bombardment. That‘ll be a nice surprise.

“I wonder why you became a general?”

“Don’t ask me, ask Segmentum Command. They were the ones that promoted me to that position.”

Cornelia: I thought they didn’t like him, that’s why they called him the Oddball of Krieg.  Or was he awesome because he got the job?  AGH!

“Do you know what’s the first thing on your schedule list?”

“Do you know, because I threw the schedule down the shredder.” Lofn nodded in disbelief.

Ert: I really fucking hate this guy. He just seems to do the wrong thing on purpose because he gets some sort of a kick out of it or something.

(Gary Stu Counter: 20)

“I’ll tell you, you have a ship from Jupiter. It’s docked right now and they want you to command the ship.”

“Great, I get a piece of the navy.” Stated Siegfried before the two left the room together. “I remember a year ago that I just had to follow my orders as a general and just do what I can to kill the enemy. Now I’m working with civilian advisers, magos from the Adeptus Mechanicus, and the Dark Angels.” Then he stopped when they went down a set of stairs. “It was all simple back then, I just wish I could have an enemy to go to war against.”

Nora: Oh if someone could just please attack me and kill all the civilians on this planet, that would make my life so much easier and simpler.

“Like me.”

“No, you are an exception.”


“If I killed you, we wouldn’t be able to talk about you being a hybrid.”

Ert: And this is important to you why?

“Don’t you dare bring that subject up.”

“I have more fun doing that then killing you.” Then the two took a open-topped Chimera that was going to the shipyards. “So what about the ship?”

“The ship is fully yours, it’s just that you have to name it.”

“Name it, finally. I can do something simple.” Stated Siegfried.

Nora: I think that it most likely would’ve been named before it got there, ships are things that take years to build in the Imperium, they’re not exactly fire and forget things.

“When I meant command the ship earlier, I was trying to say that they would be the ones to transport you to any destination you desire and provide support for you and your troops if you get into conflict with any of the Citadel races or the Tyranids.”

“Now that you mentioned it, do we have any reports on the Tyranids?”

“No not at all. Ever since they came during our first time in this part of the galaxy, there have been no sightings of their presence.”

Cornelia: I’m going to guess that you weren’t looking for them particularly hard. Tyranids have rather big appetites. And did no one notice that they attacked Noveria?

“That I am worried about. The Tyranids decide to show up near Terra and now they disappear for a year.”

“You are suspicious?”

“Of course I am, to have xenos fleets that eat planets this close to Terra is a situation I do not like. The are not doing what normal Tyranids would do.”

Ert: If this is supposed to be them being different because they’re Alpha Rachni or whatever, I call bullshit.

“That we can agree on.” The Chimera began to stopped at the shipyard as General Siegfried and Farseer Lofn began to dismount the transport.

“Do you know where this ship is?”

“Yes, follow me.” Siegfried began to see the size of the ship that was docked before him and he began to look at it with pride.

Nora: So whoever just spoke didn’t spot the warship several kilometers long that was right in front of them? The author really is just looking for any excuse to get a few more words out of his characters with each sentence isn’t he?

“Do you know what kind of ship this is?”

“No, ask one of your tech-priests?” A magos was walking past him until Siegfried asked him about the classification of the ship.

“General, this is an Invincible-class fast battleship. Unlike the other kinds of battleships, this is able to engage the swife Eldar raiders while retaining the firepower of a regular battleship. However, it comes at a cost of armor.”

Ert: That is the worst design for a battleship that I have ever heard. “HEY! Let’s get a giant battleship that’s a huge ass target and give it no armor!” What’s that? It’s an actual 40k design? Yeah and it was acknowledged as a bad idea in universe, only ten were ever made!

“You mean, this is a battleship meant for chasing other fast battleships?” Asked Siegfried.

Ert: NO! It was meant for hunting down light fast ships! Author. DO RESEARCH!

“Yes, but due to the size of the xenos ships. This can withstand their firepower.”

Nora: No it can’t. It’s a confirmed glass cannon. Hell, the Tech Priests really didn’t want to make this thing, they only did it under severe pressure. Then they just decided to not make a third of the order.

“Thank you for this information, magos.” Then he looked at the ship.

“So what are you going to call it?” Asked Lofn.

“I’ll name it… I’ll name it… Frak, I don’t know a name I can give to this ship.” He said to himself and then he reminded himself of a hell the Kriegers were known for. “I will call this ship, Vraks.”

Ert: That’s a dumb name. That’s like when Theon Greyjoy named his ship the Sea Bitch. And that was SUPPOSED to be stupid.

“Where did the name come from?” Asked Lofn.

“A battlefield that took at least seventeen years.”

Nora: Don’t care. Still a stupid name.

“Old piece of history. I see.” Stated Lofn.

“For once, I’m glad that an Eldar understands.” Under Lofn’s mask, her cheeks blushed.

“You do realize that I am a hybrid.”

“Well you act like an Eldar, no offense.” Then Lofn crossed her arms as she stared at Siegfried.

Ert: I know that this is supposed to come off as playful ribbing. The problem is that its practically identical to the times they did it when they hated each other. As a direct result, it feels like they’re just having that one conversation that they’ve been repeating for the entire story.

“I don’t know if I should mess with your mind.”

“Lofn, don’t even think about doing that.”

“Too late.” Then Siegfried began to run while Lofn followed. Then they began to pass an Elysium Drop Trooper, a Praetorian Guardsman, a Terranis Ranger, and an Eldar Banshee who watched them run in the streets of Eden Prime.

Cornelia: That last sentence sounds like the beginning of a bad “Walked into a bar” joke.

Eden Prime Space

A Turian ship began to arrive and receive hails from the Imperials. The crew was amazed to see the Craftworld of Ulthwe make supply runs form the giant ship to the planet’s surface. “This is Palaven’s Pride, we have a mission from the Citadel to dock in on Eden Prime.” Stated a Turian pilot. Then a response came from the control towers of the Spaceport.

Ert: The mission we have dubbed “Vague and we’re not telling”

“This Spaceport tower 251, you have been granted docking clearance. Please fly to designated port.” When the ship docked to the port, the first person to leave the ship was Spectre Nihlus. He looked around and was amazed that the planet had a city already.

Nora: Already? It’s been a YEAR! Hell, most colonies tend to have a city. Granted it’s just the one city, but it’s something.

These Imperials seemed like they could colonize faster than any race could. Soon, he entered the streets to observe the society of humanity and the Eldar.

In The Streets of Eden Prime

Cornelia: Well that jump was pointless. This story cannot stay still at all.

Siegfried was basically running for his life from an Eldar Farseer that he pissed off. Luckily, his endurance was able to run faster than he expected. Then the two ran into an empty courtyard as Farseer Lofn caught up to him. “Finally, I can do something to you.” Siegfried backed away.

Ert: Why is his endurance running?

“Hey, steady. I didn’t mean to cause any offense.”

“Cause any offense? You’ve been doing that ever since you found out I’m a hybrid.”

“Look, I know it means a lot if I don’t speak about it, but it’s a habit that I got used to.”

Ert: For someone who doesn’t want to be an asshole, he sure does it a lot. And that last sentence….the FUCK does that mean?

“Well break that habit!” Soon a shot came out of nowhere and landed between the general and the Farseer. Siegfried looked around to see where the direction came from, but he saw a Vindicare Assassin armed with a Exitus rifle. Then Lofn ran up to him saying words that surprised the general himself. “Father!”

Nora: Oh hai LIIVI. This is the main human character in Love Can Bloom. The man who fell in love with an Eldar. Kind of did the Thane Krios thing of falling in love with the mark (Well Thane’s wife wasn’t his mark, but you know what I mean). Hey, buddy, quick question. Why the fuck did you just randomly fire a shot like that? Have you no trigger discipline? Why is this so popular? People who just can’t stop firing their guns to make a point. First Inquisitor titty in Trapped and now this? Oi.

She said as she ran up towards the deadly assassin. Siegfried was shock to know that her father was this man. Then she brought the man to the general.

“Lofn, how have you been doing?” He asked in an old tone.

“I am fine.” Then the assassin looked at the general.

“Who is this man?”

“Father, this is General Siegfried. Someone who I am working with.”

Ert: Oh god. I don’t know why this story bothers introducing new characters, every time it does they just go into boring exposition mode.

“Ah the one that was commissioned by the Emperor to be a Rogue Trader. It’s good to see a member of the Imperium. I have not seen how it survived without my assistance.”

Cornelia: Survived without your assistance? Well someone’s arrogant. Not sure what you were doing to hold everything together. Or did the author mean something else and forgot how to English again?

“Sir, the Imperium is fine. We don’t give up too easily.” Stated Siegfried.

“That’s good to hear. My name is Livii, I guess you have figured out that I am Lofn’s father.”

“Yes sir.”

“I expected Segmentum Command to send someone instead of a general of the Death Korps.”

Ert: Yeah, like…literally anyone else. A servitor, a lobotomized human used for manual labor, would’ve been a better choice.

“I was actually requested by an Inquisitor and I seemed to get myself caught up into this matter, then I somehow became a rogue trader.”

“Well, you must be lucky if you become one with so much power. What are you going to do with it?”

“I’ll be honest, I have no clue. It’s like giving a baby a nuclear weapon.” Livii pulled out his hand.

Nora: No kidding. Considering how irresponsible Lt. Stu is and how he seems to create dangerous weapons on the spot because reasons, I honestly see him starting a war.

“It’s good to meet you general.” Siegfried and the assassin began to shake hands before Lofn spoke to the Vindicare.

“Father, where are you going?” Asked Lofn.

“I am returning to the craftworld. Do not worry, your uncle won’t hurt me.”

Ert: You gonna explore what he means by that for those of us who didn’t read all the 1d4chan articles around Love Can Bloom? No? Moving on then.

“Be safe father.” Then the assassin left with such speed that the general was trying to register what had happened.

“Your father is a Vindicare assassin.” Commented Siegfried.

“Yes, he and my mother met on the battlefield at one time and they began to love each other.”

“Your father is a Vindicare.”

Ert: She heard you the first time you fucking prick. Author, you’re allowed to not repeat yourself. You know that right?

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Your father is someone who masters the art of killing people. This is the first that I have heard of an assassin having a family.”

“Is such idea strange in the Imperium?”

“You have no idea.” Soon an Elysium Drop Trooper deployed from above and began to ask for the general’s attention.

Nora: I’m sorry, what was that supposed to add? It’s not insight into anyone’s character, it’s not something philosophical for us to think about. It’s just noise! Meaningless noise! Most of this story is like that!

“Sir, you have guests back in the Planetary Hall.”

“What kind of guests?” Asked the general.

“Sir, you have someone named Spectre Nihlus of the Citadel Council who wishes to speak to you.”

“Understood, tell him that I am coming.”

“Yes, sir.” Soon the trooper left the general and the farseer alone.

Ert: You’d think that Nihlus would send a message a head to tell Lt. Stu that he was coming for whatever reason. But no, that’d make too much sense.

Planetary Hall

Nihlus looked around and saw that the sculpture of the buildings seemed dark and that it was made out of a material that he had never seen before. Then he noticed the guards that took their place around the room, holding their weapons ready. They all wore different sets of uniforms and that itself disturbed him.

Cornelia: How is having different sets of uniforms disturbing? The Council in this story gets hung up over the most trivial details.

Then he heard a door opening and saw General Siegfried with Farseer Lofn following him. The general stopped in front of the man, leaving a few feet between the two. “You must be Spectre Nihlus.” Stated Siegfried.

“Yes, I came here on behalf of the Citadel Council.”

Nora: You mean you didn’t come on behalf of Sweeden? Well that threw me for a loop.

“For what reason?”

“Sir, I don’t think I see the reason to speak to me of my mission.”

“You are under a world controlled by the Imperium and you are my guest, I would like to know why you are here?”

Ert: You just know that Nihlus said something that stupid because the author wanted to extend the conversation by a few more sentences for the umpteenth time.

“I came here on behalf of the Council to study both your species.” Stated Nihlus, gesturing to the Eldar Farseer as well. “It’s just that I want to ask for your permission to do so.”

Nora: That’s why I refused to tell you what I was here to do. To get your permission.

“I see no harm in it.” Stated Siegfried. “I will join you in your studies.”

“You want to join us.”

“I haven’t studied your races long enough. I could utilize some of my extra time to study. So what do you want to see first?”

Cornelia: You know, when you study a race you might want to narrow down what it is you’re studying. Because there’s everything from their education system to their matting habits.

“That’s not my call, I’m actually here to protect the scientist who studies other civilizations.”

“Well then. Bring her over.”

Ert: The scientist’s gender was never specified buddy. But whatever, shoehorn in Liara T’Soni even though she’s an archaeologist.

Eden Prime Space

A pirate fleet began to appear on the edges of Eden Prime, unlike the Batarian fleet that attacked the Citadel. This one was five times larger since these ships came from the Terminus Systems.

Ert:…Five times bigger…FIVE HUNDRED SHIPS!? Let me put this in perspective. I have reason to believe that this is more ships than there are in the entirety of the Asari’s navy. Hell, in Mass Effect, humanity was considered to be very powerful for a species new onto the galactic stage. The number of ships they have? Two hundred. Author cannot research or math. Also, how the fuck did a pirate managed to get FIVE FUCKING HUNDRED ships under his command?

Soon, they were quickly detected by the Dark Angel’s Battle Barge. “This is ship navigator of the Battle Barge, Emperor’s Black Hand, we have detected xeno ships outside of Eden Prime. I say again, a large fleet of xeno ships have been detected outside of Eden Prime. Enact defensive protocols.” Stated the pilot of the battle barge.

“Enacting protocols, inform any situational changes from xeno ships.” Replied one of the Spaceport towers.

Nora: Because the masturbation we get the last time the Imperium annihilated a bunch of Mass Effect ships wasn’t enough apparently.

Eden Prime

An Asari came up to meet the group with a smile as Nihlus stood guard. “My name is doctor Liara T’Soni, it is a pleasure to meet both of you.” Stated the Asari.

“Likewise.” Stated Siegfried. “What do you specialize in?”

“Oh, I specialize in studying the behavior and actions of other species. I am also an anthropologist, I study ruins of old dead races that were here before our time.”

Cornelia: One, no you don’t. You an archaeologist. Two. She’s an archaeologist author, not an anthropologist. Those are two different things. Did you just let auto-correct come up with that word?

“Well you are welcomed to study anything, but please do not get carried away with your studies. There are military secrets that do not deserve to be… shown.”

“I understand general.” Soon sirens began to fill the sky as people began to run to the nearest military bunker that were stationed in public areas such as parks, squares, or near government buildings. “What’s going on?” Asked the doctor.

“The planet is under attack.”

Ert: A rather bland and uninterested way to say that, don’t you think?

“What are you going to do?” Asked Nihlus.

“Follow me, we must leave the city.”

“Where to?”

“A military fortress.” Then a Chimera drove up to the general.

Ert: Ok, writing exercise. When you have two characters talking to each other. Try, fucking TRY to have it be more than just them saying one sentence at a time before switching to the other character. It doesn’t always have to be more than one sentence, but if it’s like that more than half the time, the story feels really bland and empty. Because it usually IS!

“What about the people here?” They began to enter the transport.

“They will be holding out in the bunkers. Do not worry they are very well defended.” The Chimera began to drive away in full speed.

Nora: And we’re not using them because reasons.

“How do you know if these defenses will work?”

“A Kriegsman, knows how make them. We happen to be very good at them.” Now that was something for Nihlus to note. Then he looked at Farseer Lofn.

Nora: Kriegsmen don’t make anything. Only Tech Priests do. But why would this author pay any respect to how 40k works?

“Excuse me, but why is her race here? I’m just curious.”

“Over the year, the Emperor has increased relations with the Eldar and hostilities have dropped. However, we still have some ‘incidents’ that involve guns.” Nihlus took note that this Imperium must have had some changes.

Nora: Yeah he made it possible because magic.

“When did your race reach the stars?” Asked Liara.

“Now that is a question you must ask from a historian.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Humanity reached the stars before the Imperium was founded. I believe that was in the 3rd Millennium.”

Cornelia: The Imperium was confined to the Solar System (Unless you count inconvenient sub-lightspeed vessels) in the fifteenth millennium. Well at least you were in the ballpark author. You were only off by over ten thousand years. Even then there’s nothing about how long it took them to get those vessels.

“What millennium is it right now?”

“The 40th millennium.” Nihlus and Doctor T’Soni were actually shocked that there was a galaxy that lived longer than these two imagined. Then Lofn looked ahead and spoke.

Ert: First of all, you’re in the same galaxy. I don’t care how much you pretend they aren’t, you never established otherwise. Second, it’s the forty-FIRST millennium! Oh no wait! This is thirteen years after the 13th Black Crusade. It’s the forty-SECOND millennium! Not only does the author not realize the standard time period 40k takes place in, he didn’t realize that making his story taking beyond the 13th Black Crusade would have it be in the future. Second, galaxy that lived longer than these two imagined? What the FUCK does that mean? Seriously, I can barely review this story because I have to spend most of my time decoding the author’s gibberish. If it’s implying that their galaxy is older than theirs, 40,000 years is NOTHING to the age of the galaxy. The Milky Way galaxy is over 13 BILLION years old. DO! FUCKING! RESEARCH!

“We are here.” Then they looked to see a fortress filled with Hydra flak tanks and lines up tanks that were running their engines.

Space Over Eden Prime

Soon the pirate fleet began to attack as the Dark Angel’s battle barge began to hold the line until one of the ships that was harbored in the space port began to support it. The Invincible-class ship began to open fire along with the protection fleet that was given by the Adeptus Mechanicus.

Cornelia: So the Invincible battleship that turns out doesn’t deserve its name at all? Against 500 ships? Yeah, even the Imperium is fucked against those kinds of numbers.

Lancers began to ‘snipe’ enemy ships from such a distance. Soon the fleet closed the distance and began to fire their mass effect slugs at the ships. However, the Imperium ships responded with their void shields. Even though they were surperior in firepower, they began to protect the craftworld which began to deploy it’s fighters to any poor pirate that made the attempt.

Cornelia: That made the attempt to what? This story is such a confusing mess it actually gives me a headache to read it. I don’t get why people like it, because them liking it implies they somehow figured out what the hell is going on.

Like a spider web, they were trapped and shot down by the multiple squadrons of fighters. Due to such protection of the craftworld, the pirate fleet began to deploy transport shuttles towards the surface of the planet. More lancer shots killed another dozen of ships as the Eldar and Imperial fighters took the opportunity to shoot a few shuttles before they were forced to return. “This is the Emperor’s Black Hand the enemy has deployed troops to the planet’s surface.”

“Understood, protocols have been enacted. The Emperor Protects.”

Nora: What protocols? The kill everything on the planet protocol or the “everyone shine your boots” protocol? Stop playing the vague game with me.

Eden Prime

The general and the aliens following him began to enter a command bunker

Ert: So much for the fortress.

as officers began to organize their companies and battalions to prepare for the assault. A major came up to him. “Sir, all civilians have taken refuge in the bunker defense.”

Nora: Every single last one, yes sirree, we have bunker than can house millions of people.

“Good, any reports on the enemy.”

“They already landed in the city streets. From what the Terranis Rangers have found, they already have begun to establish defenses around the city. Do you have any plans to attack the enemy?”

“Yes, inform Colonel De Gaulle to prep his drop troops. Tell General Cromwell to secure the farms, we cannot lose our food supply to the enemy and tell General Rommel to get his mechanized divisions to secure the spaceport.”

Cornelia: Ok, so what’s that plan I asked for? Oh. I’m not getting it? Well…ok. I supposed we can just blindly charge them.

“Understood, I’ll inform the commanders.” Then they went to the war table. A holographic map of the city was shown as enemy shuttles wear appearing in the city. Swarming the city streets.

“What are you going to do?” Asked Nihlus.

“It’s better that I show you.” Then an officer awaited for his command. “Deploy Hades drills on the outskirts of the city and get ALL of the Baneblades to provide support.”

Nora: Hades Drill? That’s used for digging under enemy lines, what good is it going to do here?

“Yes sir.” Stated the officer. Soon the general watched the map show Imperial forces mass up for an attack.

City of Eden Prime

On the outskirts of the city, the pirates were made up of Salarians, Turians, Batarians, and Asari. Among these pirates were the three major mercs. The Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and the Eclipse mercenaries.

Ert: Oh you mean those merc groups that usually FIGHT EACH OTHER!? The only time they ever worked together was when there was a greater threat, like the Reapers or Garrus during his vigilante phase. As the Imperium has just been ignoring them, they have no reason to be working together.

They were holding out until they were able to break a few bunkers open; however, they were heavily defended by bolter turrets that showed no mercy to those who dared to attack. At the same time the pirates began to deploy various mechs to assist them in their assault. As night came, a Batarian patrol

Ert: Oh, of course the Batarians are back in, because we gotta have dem Batarian bad guys.

was walking on the outskirts of the town only to hear what appeared to be thunder in the distance. Soon, the screaming of shells began to bombard the whole area that they were patrolling. “Take cover, enemy artillery!” Yelled one of the Batarians.

Nora: Artillery? Lt. Stu didn’t order the use of artillery, he ordered the use of heavy tanks and breaching drills. Where does this come into play? And who uses artillery strikes to take out patrols? THEY AREN’T THAT ACCURATE!

Then the whole patrol was wiped out. Shells began to shake the ground as the pirates and mercs began to take cover in whatever buildings they could hid in. The long barrage began to cease as the pirates and mercs began to take firing positions along the outskirts with artillery and their tanks to provide support.

Cornelia: Ok, I guess they have all of those things. As of now.

Then a Valkyrie began to drop smoke bombs in the distance. Then more artillery shells began to fire, but they began to burst in the air. “Shit, I’m detecting chemicals in those shells. Helmets on!”

Ert: Uh. Chemical attacks on a planet you control sounds like an ungodly stupid idea.  Not completely OOC for the Imperium, but Lt. Stu is still an idiot for doing it

Then five flares were launched behind the smoke cloud and the menacing crimson light began light up the area. As they watched, they felt the ground shake and few of the pirates and mercs trembled in fear. “Don’t worry boys, we can take them!” Stated a Krogan of the Blood Pack.

Tank silhouettes could be seen as the smoke dissipated, but when the pirates could see the tanks clearly, the sheer size of the hull was a terrifying sight. Then the ten Baneblades began to open fire.

Nora: So the smoke did nothing (Because no amount of smoke is gonna cover the sheer noise a Baneblade makes) the gas did nothing and the artillery barely killed anyone. So much in this story is just filler.

The hull cannons fired forward as the turret cannons began to target enemy positions. Lascannon turrets began to shoot the tanks that tried to penetrate the armor. The Bolter turrets began to open fire when they had clear shots of the infantry. As the tanks were close to the outskirts, the Hades drills began to come to the surface and power down.

Cornelia: Slight problem with this. See, the Batarians took cover from the artillery blasts in buildings. The point of the Hades Drill is to attack the enemy from BEHIND! With them all dug in in buildings, there’s no real behind to attack them from, and since they all shifted positions, they wouldn’t know where it was even if it did exist. Meaning, that Lt. Stu is an idiot who doesn’t know how to use the tools of war. No surprise.

Then Death Korps of Krieg poured out of the tunnels followed by the Terranis Rangers. Behind the Baneblades was the Armageddon Steel Legion, their Chimeras began to dismount troops as the Baneblades pressed forward. To the sky, Valkyrie transports began to fly above the city heights. Then the Elysium Drop Troops began to deploy from the air and retake the bunkers as Sentinels were dropped to provide support for the troopers. The mechanized divisions of the Steel Legion began to encircle the pirates into corners of the city as the Death Korps would break the small pockets of resistance. Although casualties were coming in hundreds, it was considered a loss that the guard could take.

Ert: Summary: And then these guys and these guys and these guys showed up. Be nice if we could see them doing anything.

The Fortress

General Siegfried received vox calls from the officers that were in the combat below, then he heard a familiar voice from a vox call from the Dark Angel’s Battle Barge. “This is Brother Artemis of the Dark Angels, we have our drop pods ready to deploy. General, do you know where you need any more assistance?”

“Brother Artemis, there is a massive concentration of xeno forces surrounding a bunker full of civilians and government officials. They are protected by a detachment of Eldar Guardians. Could you assist the defenses?”

Ert: Motherfucker I asked YOU a question. Don’t answer my question with a question! Time is of the essence bitch! Yes or no would’ve done!

“Of course, it’s good to see you general.”

“Likewise Interrogator Chaplain.”

The Sky Above the City

Nora: I swear, these location tags just get even more vague and pointless.

A set of eight drop pods began to fly towards the city center while the city was in the middle of a battle. When the drop pods began to smash close to the bunkers, a Vorcha squad began to investigate the pods. Then the doors opened and a large green hulk with a human skull charged forward with his weapon screaming. “For the Emperor!” They didn’t stand a chance.

Cornelia: Wait a minute. Overwhelming alien forces, fighting in the streets, Baneblades out of nowhere and then reinforcements from Space Marines? Oh good lord. This battle follows the exact same pattern as the battle of the Citadel. It’s the exact same battle all over again. The author is so unoriginal he wrote the same battle twice.

Ert: I hate this story so fucking much right now.

Two of the vorchas were tossed aside when his weapon swiped him as he raised a bolter pistol to shoot three aliens that faced the Angel of Death.

Nora: The story didn’t even bother to clarify if he had a sword or if he just smashed skulls with his pistols

He was followed by more tactical marines who began to assist the Eldar in holding the defense. While that was happening, a devastator squad began to set up his heavy bolter and fired upon the pirates and mercs.

Ert: Set up? SET UP! Devastator Marines fire their heavy weapons FROM THE HIP! Honestly, all the jerking off this story is doing for humanity and it can’t even get that down?

The Interrogator Chaplain began to fire his bolter rounds at the onslaught of aliens that were making attempts to breach the bunker, but each time they tried to breach it a Space Marine was there. The Eldar Rangers and Guardians began to pick off those that were suppressed or busy with the Space Marines.

Nora: I really don’t get the point of this battle. It’s basically “Humanity, fuck yeah” but that’s diluted slightly with the presence of the Eldar. I guess it’s “40k, fuck yeah” which makes this the worst kind of crossover. Where you tear one universe down just to build the other up. It will always come across as insecure.

A Batarian tank came out and decided to battle one of the space marines. Luckily, a fire prism began to open fire upon the tank from long range.


The two armored vehicles began to go in a cat and mouse game, but that soon ended when one of the space marines fired a missile launcher. Ending the tanks power.

Cornelia: Ending the tank’s power? Ugh.

The pirates charged the bunker followed by the heavily equipped mercs who also brought their mechs to join the fight. Bolter turrets began to unleash a hailstorm of bolter rounds as shurikens teared through the synthetics and the armor of Krogans. However, the Terranis Rangers were able to flank them from the rear.

Nora: However is a word usually used when the following action is detrimental to the first action. When the two actions are helping each other, it makes no sense. I don’t say “I looked for a place to park, however I found one.” You say, “I looked for a place to park, however there was nothing to be found.”

They attacked with various weapons of the Imperium, from autoguns to other variants of the lasguns. The two forces exchanged fire, but the arrival of the Sentinels and the Leman Russ tanks began to force the mercs and the pirates to retreat. Then there was nowhere to go until shuttles began to make hot extractions while some were shot down by Imperial fighters and bolter rounds of the Space Marines. The shuttles began to take the mercs, but for the rest of the pirates. They were unlucky, the Space Marines showed no mercy and killed them to the last man. The Interrogator Chaplain began to order his space marines and those protecting the bunker to secure the surrounding area. “This is Brother Artemis, the bunker has been secured.” He stated over the vox channel.

Ert: Blah blah blah Humanity the best.

“Brother Artemis, return to the battle barge. I can handle the situation.”

“I understand general.” The Dark Angels began to go into a Thunderhawk to return to their ship.

Nora: Well I’m gonna go to orbit and stick my thumb up my ass.

The Fortress

“Wait, I recognize that tank.” Stated Nihlus. “It’s a Main Battle Tank of the Batarians. What in the Spirits is that doing there?” Stated the Spectre.

Cornelia: Because Batarians always need to be the bad guys.

“I don’t know, but that is an interesting piece of information.”

“General.” Asked Lofn. “I think we should go to the Citadel to see how these Batarians are doing. It has been a year since we encountered them.”

Ert: So what? The Batarians are still part of the Council after a full out attack? No. I don’t care how stupid you think the Council is, they don’t stand for naked aggression.

“Yes, things have changed.” Stated Nihlus. “The Batarians are trying to be part of the council after the battle of the Citadel. They haven’t had much power to do much since then.”

“If I must go, then so be it. Let’s see how these Batarians are doing.”

Ert: No, they would’ve launched a freaking counter-attack. Ordered them to dismantle their navy. The Council is not this spineless.

Author’s Note: Something is up.

Nora: We figured that out, thanks.


26 Comments on “1168: Hammer Effect – Chapters 6 & 7”

  1. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Why is this whole thing on the front page? And why isn’t it numbered?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I was informed by your men that the Emperor…” She hesitated to speak. “Is coming.”


  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    appeared from the warp catching the inhabitants of the citadel off-guard. To some areas, people began to panic that a fleet had come. However, the crew would decide whether they should kill the xeno’s or not.

    Dropship of sorts began to come down to the ports, dropping Guardsmen from various regiments, sections of the Eccliesiarchy, and the famous Space Marine Chapters that had joined this momentous day to see someone of great importance walk down an aisle formed by these warriors.

    Ok, so this giant fuck-off fleet teleported into being above the Citadel, and then started dropping troops. Why hasn’t the Citadel’s defense fleet responded?

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      because they nehm this maneuvah STEEL REHN



      • That’s all well and good, I suppose. If there wasn’t an enemy before, they will have made at least two or three by the time they’re done.

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:


        …who was ‘they’ again?

        Who’s ‘the enemy’???

        Oh Almighty God-Emperor, look at us war-mongerers fighting against people we don’t even know! People we’ve not even met! People that could be just like us! Why!? Why must we fight, why… why…

        Oh, the humanity!

      • Oh Almighty God-Emperor, look at us war-mongerers fighting against people we don’t even know! People we’ve not even met! People that could be just like us! Why!? Why must we fight, why… why…

        Because your author has deep-seated feelings of inadequacy?

  4. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    One year timeskip?

    Oh, son of a bitch

    If I see a sudden cut to a friendly old Eden Prime neighborhood with Kriegsman and Farseer happily holding hands on the front porch of their pillbox home watching their little Kriegsman children giggling n flopping around in a conspicuously placed shell crater on their Passchendaele lawn…

  5. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    Having read (skimmed) further ahead into the fic I’m actually getting a lil chilly prick poking at my spine, cuz I’m looking at all this and I could totally see myself doing this way back when I first got on the site.

    Or rather, maybe even as far back as when I wrote and staged ‘mental projections’ of crossover shiz I’d fantasize about. Like, there sorta seems to be a pattern of disregarding logistics in favor of Rule of Cool/Hipness, and the lack of thought then translates into relatively dry narration

    I’m still waiting for the inevitable, obligatory romance (I’ve a faaaaairly certain idea of who they are…) to drop, but I’m pretty sure at that age it’s exactly how I would’ve liked it too :/

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      Ohhhhh boy

      Taylor Swift song suggestion for a later chapter’s dream sequence?

      *NO REFUGE*

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:



        …fucking called it?

        Somehow having the exact next sentence confirm my suspicions made this a whole lot less dramatic :(

  6. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Then a Valkyrie began to drop smoke bombs in the distance. Then more artillery shells began to fire. Then five flares were launched behind the smoke cloud and the menacing crimson light began light up the area.

    “Then a combine went at John Freemans back and stabed him but John Freeman got nife out and stabbed Combine in brane.”

    Seriously, just how many times did he say “then this, then that”?

  7. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    At the same time the pirates began to deploy various mechs to assist them in their assault.

    It just hit me: Where did all the mechs come from? Mechs were used exclusively for colony security by the Alliance before the Battle of the Citadel. Even assuming that other groups use mechs before Saren hit the Citadel, the only ones who use mechs extensively is Eclipse. Blue Sun does use them, but not THIS frequent. I mean FOUR YMIRs appeared in Chapter 3 alone!

  8. TacoMagic says:

    Like a spider web, they were trapped and shot down by the multiple squadrons of fighters.

    The fuck kind of simile is that!? How in the name of Chaos does a fucking spider web relate to cutting off an enemy and shooting them down with fighters?

  9. "Lyle" says:

    The only thing I see when I read this guy’s action scenes: began to. They began to do this. They began to do that. These guys began to go here. Those guys began to go there. FUCKING COMMIT! Don’t just begin to do something, fucking FINISH IT! GAH!

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