1167: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Seven, Part Three

NOTE: Due to shenanigans with Lyle involving personal matters, her riff couldn’t make it in time this week. Due to other shenanigans involving the sudden KO of California’s internet, my riff was late. I volunteered to take Lyle’s spot for the week as compensation, to which she agreed. So, this week, you’ll be seeing me a hell of a lot earlier than usual! Not sure what this means for Saturday – Lyle and I haven’t discussed that yet.

-SC

~~~

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by SC, Iris Windchaser, Drake Ironpoint, and Sir Paulo Rori

*Deep inhale*

Aaah, smell that fresh air, Paulo!

Paulo: …The air in here is fresh? How so?

This week, we get back to Alex for the rest of this chapter! We don’t have to deal with San again until next week!

Paulo: …And this does what to freshen the air around here, exactly?

I-it’s pretty subtle, actually, you might not be able to notice it…

*The riffing chamber door opens with a loud slam, and Iris Windchaser stumbles into the room before falling flat on her face*

Iris: Oww… who was the jackass that put that doorstopper there? Why do you even NEED a doorstopper?!

I… don’t? I think that might be Taco’s. Also I’m not sure it’s a doorstopper.

*The second person to enter the room stoops down and picks up the object*

Person: “The Complete Collection of the ID Fic Atrocities?”

Nevermind, that is absolutely his doorstopper.

Alright, sit down you two, let’s get this started.

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we met the idiot who shall forever henceforth be recognized as “Sannabe” by me and whoever else chooses to adopt the nickname. She tried her very hardest to pretend that she was San, but it failed miserably. Oh yeah, and there was an absolutely idiotic ambush in the works.

This week, we’re back with Alex, and I can’t believe I’m saying this – THANK GOD.

With me this week, as always, is Sir Paulo Rori – and this time, one brought back Iris! Anybody remember her? From waaay back when I first started here?

If not, here’s her picture:

O hai (again), Iris!

O hai (again), Iris!

And this time, she brought along her boyfriend, Drake Ironpoint!

O hai, Drake!

O hai, Drake!

Drake is a magic dude from a high-class magic family. And yet he chose to move in with Iris at her dumpy home village. His folks are fine with it, but other nobles are still trying to wrap their heads around it.

Oh yeah, and if you’re wondering about the fox in the picture, Drake’s family are Shapeshifter mages with their own animal forms. Drake’s happens to be a fox. He doesn’t really like to transform though, due to an incident where he got stuck as a fox for three whole days and almost lost all his humanity. But, he COULD transform if he were feeling up to it. Just so you know.

Drake: …But I won’t.

But you could.

Drake: But I won’t.

Paulo: Gentlemen? Might we carry on, please?

Yes, let’s continue our discussion:

Elsewhere

Like maybe,

Deep in the Forest

Drake: Nah, I don’t feel like it.

Stop being contrary, you little shit!

Iris: You’re telling Drake to stop being Drake. Good luck with that.

*Drake smirks like a smug little bitch who’s gonna get a gong right upside his stupid face*

“Come on you stupid… ! Alex grumbled at the rock and machete sword he had been rubbing together for the past ten minutes in hopes of starting a fire.

Okay first of all: just call it a frickin’ sword. Stop with this “(insert specific weapon here) sword” crap.

Second of all, you don’t RUB them, you STRIKE one against the other.

Paulo: I am now envisioning Alex gently drawing the flat of the sword across the smooth side of the rock and wondering why nothing is happening.

Iris: *Alex* “I dun get it! I’m putting da sword on da rock and fire ain’t comin’ out! Duh fuck, man?!”

Drake: Clearly, fire is a very complex formula that Alex is incapable of understanding at his current level of education.

Alex’s current level of education is putting the round peg in the round hole. I’m not surprised that the logic of starting a campfire eludes him.

(But seriously, the flint-and-steel method is pretty hard to do, so I won’t be too mean about it.)

So far he and Isaac had taken refuge in a cavern somewhere deep within the mountain’s forest.

…Anybody want to tell him that aside Fromm the caravan passage in the ridge, the only mountain of importance in the forest plays home to Moro and her clan?

Drake: Nah, let’s just let the baby find out on his own. He’s got to learn eventually.

They taken refuge in there and would settle down until the rain had past on.

*snerk*

Stone-Man85’s narrative voice has taken on a rather backwoods tone, there.

Alex was using his survival skills to make a fire for themselves, using only dead wood, dried up moss, and using the machete’s blade he had to try and attempt to make a spark to get it going. But so far, it hadn’t promising for the youth.

Maybe that would be because, as previously established, his “survival skills” are total shit?

Paulo: He has developed the blade-and-stone method since that chapter, however. Or… he is certainly trying to. An effort of some measure is being made to learn something new. That must surely speak for something, should it not?

Psh. Small improvement, that.

“All I want is a little spark! What do I have to do, a Native American Fire Dance?

Thaaat’s racist!

*SC dings a small bell on his desk*

Letting his frustration get the best of him, the youth threw the blade and rock aside and kicked the pile of twigs and leaves he had made, sending them scattering in all directions.

Drake: Oh, way to go, boy wonder! Now you’ve got to collect all that again and start over!

Iris: Way to make the job even harder, genius.

Isaac, on the other hand was relishing the whole moment. As the little fox lay curled in a tight ball on the ground, he watched and studied his human companion’s every movement. From Alex’s relentless attempts to start a fire with the sticks to his every curse and blatant remarks he made in the heat of rage, Isaac was able to find something incredibly entertaining.

Drake: Isaac sounds like my kind of reynard.

Iris: …Huh?

Reynard is a term for a male fox, derived from the character from old medieval European allegorical fables. He’s an anthropomorphic red fox who has a habit of trickery, and the primary antagonist of his adventures is his wolf uncle, Isengrim.

Iris: Oh.

Drake: We’ve lived together for four years now, and she still hasn’t figured out my fox-related terminologies. Pay attention, damn it!

*Drake gently baps Iris on the head; inexplicably, and to Paulo’s and Drake’s shock, this causes her to fall straight through the floor, into the ninja lounge, from which startled Japanese erupts*

Drake: Whoa! Guess I don’t know my own strength, huh?

Paulo: Gods blessed, woman! Are you alright?!

Iris: Oww…

*A ninja pops their head through the Iris-sized hole in the floor and hands SC a note*

“Esshi-kun, please inform the one known as Duraiku-kun that smashing young maidens through floors and/or ceilings is both uncouth and very disruptive.”

Sorry, ninjas. Could one of you please return Iris to the riffing chamber?

*Another ninja (or the same one? Hard telling) appears in the room, carrying a dazed Iris over their shoulder; they place Iris in her seat, taking a moment to adjust her so that she doesn’t fall back through the hole, then disappear*

Thanks, guys.

So, you heard the ninjas, no more slamming your girlfriend through floors.

Drake: I’ll certainly try.

Iris: Fuggin’ worl’s spinnin’… Meggit stahp…

It didn’t take too long for Alex to catch on to this.

By what measurement of time do you mean, “not long?” Remember, this is Alex we’re talking about.

Paulo: I propose days.

“Oh you think this is funny, huh?” Alex asked bitterly, letting his frustration get the better of him.

“Well, in a certain sense… yes, I do, Alex,” Isaac retorted, letting his fluffy tail wag at this.

Mocking you for your struggles is, after all, very entertaining, Alex.

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“Well isn’t that cute. I’m stuck in this maze of a forest, I’m freezing my rump off because I can’t make a fire worth a half the stuff I could find!” He then shot Isaac a dirty look, “… and the only company I have is a wise-ass fox who thinks I’m the incarnation of a Monty Python episode.”

Drake: Wise-ass fox? Oh, hey! I didn’t realize I was in this fic!

Iris: Much to the dismay of all.

You guys have no idea how hard I’m resisting the urge to reach through my screen and strangle Alex right now for yet ANOTHER out-of-place reference right in the presence of someone who wouldn’t even begin to know what Monty Python is.

Alex just continued to give Alex the same amused expression,

Paulo: Oh goodness, has Alex called forth some foul doppelganger of himself?

Well, as the saying goes, “I am a shadow, the true self.”

“I could go on listening to this, you know. And for the record, I may not know who this Monty Python guy is, but I’m sure he has better control of his temper than you do, my lad.”

That’s highly debatable. I mean, I’m sure I don’t need to remind people that the Monty Python troupe are very, very insane.

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me~

Drake: Thought that was reserved for the bedroom?

Well, they never said you’d be doing it publicly.

Iris:If you’re trying to imply something, Drake, you always just come out and say it. We’re all adults he-

Drake: HAY IRIS YOU WANT TO GO SEXTIMES?

Iris: I take back everything I just said.

Shaking his head, the young outlander

I can’t believe I managed to misread that as highlander.

sighed and gathered the twigs and leaves back into a pile. “Sorry,” he said quietly, “I didn’t mean to go off on you like that. It’s just that… I don’t know. Everything just seems so… so messed up.”

Aw, Alex is mopey. To the surprise of none, I don’t give a shit!

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He picked up the machete sword and rock, and proceeded to rub them together to create a spark once again, “You know, Isaac, I really envy you.”

Drake: Yeah, being a fox is pretty cool, sucks that you can’t.

So are you sure you’re not gonna transform at least once?

Drake: Yeah, pretty sure.

Fuck.

To this the fox gave Alex a questioning look, “You? Envy me? How’s that? You’re practically 5’8″, and I’m practically 1’0″ in height. That, and you’re top of the food chain close to me.”

Drake: You move faster than he does, you’re a better survivalist than he is, you’re smarter than he is, foxes are cool and Alex is a twerp… I mean, I could go on all day, man.

Iris: Please don’t.

“No, I really mean it,” Alex said, unaware that smoke was starting to rise from the sticks. “You’re a Forest Spirit, anyway. That means you can live anywhere you want, don’t have to worry about crazy and embarrassing parents you can’t relate to, you don’t have to go to high school where both the teachers and the other students hate your guts, and…”

Yeah, but he has to worry about a whole lot of other worse problems that make those look like child’s play, so you may as well just stop, Alex. Also, your commentary reeks of angsty teen deluding himself into thinking that the world is out to get him. It’s pathetic and makes you sound even stupider than you already do.

He paused for a moment before continuing, and sighed heavily, “… and you don’t have to deal with getting rejected by girls simply because you don’t measure up to their impossibly high standards.”

Paulo: The standards of women, when seeking romance, are too high? Pft, indeed. I would challenge Alex to go to war and become a hero of his homeland, and then try and complain that a woman’s standards are too high. I came away married as a result of it! And with a second child on the way, to boot.

Well, in the aftermath, in any event.

Paulo: The point being, it happened.

…Whoa, wait, hold up, you have a KID?! When did that happen?!

Paulo: Shortly after our marriage, Cassia was found to be pregnant with another man’s child. Her lover before she had met me. That man had, sadly, met his end, so I vowed to act as a father to the boy in his stead. For myself, Cassia is pregnant with a girl.

Huh! You’re keeping all kinds of secrets!

Paulo: I simply try not to brag about my life. There is nothing wrong with that.

Drake: You’re joking, right? If it were me, I wouldn’t shut the hell up about my kid.

Paulo: I suppose we all have our own ways of expressing pride. I am more a quiet sort on the matter.

Drake: Hey, you do you, boo boo.

Paulo: Uh… Thank you, I suppose?

Drake: Back to the women’s standards thing, I think Iris might break the code a little bit. I mean, she was dumb enough to hook up with me!

Iris: I’ve made some mistakes in my life. Namely, falling in love with a guy just because he saved my ass from a dragon one time.

Drake: That’s shit right out of a storybook, even!

Iris: Really, I should have just gotten out when he said he could turn into a fox. It’s been crazy ever since then.

You two have an odd way of saying you love each other.

Iris: In that we don’t say it?

Drake: Or otherwise insult each other, and/or ourselves?

Yeah, that.

Iris: It’s okay, we know we don’t mean it. I say shit like that more seriously about my idiot neighbor, Avis.

I should really bring Avis into a riff sometime…

Drake: How about, not when we’re here? Because that’s just asking for trouble.

…Wow, look how fast we derailed ourselves. Back on topic, people!

With a grin he looked back at the fox-squirrel,

Drake: “Fox-squirrel?”

That’s actually a thing on Ghibli canon. Not in Princess Mononoke, but elsewhere.

Drake: *shudder* I can’t say anything nice about that. It sounds like an unholy union between myself and my older sister.

Oh God, your older sister turns into a squirrel?

Iris:And his younger sister turns into a bunny!

Fuck. Now I’m going to have nightmares about incest in the Ironpoint family.

Drake: Yeah, so am I. I don’t wanna have sex with my sister!

*Paulo shakes his head, trying to clear the horrible images from his mind*

“Isaac, you have got it made.”

Really?! THAT’S the line we come to right after the previous discussion?!

Iris: And I thought I had bad luck.

You have bad luck, we have bad timing.

Isaac seemed surprised by that as he asked, “You… being rejected by women? A good-looking and skilled fellow like yourself, unable to get one is quite impossible.”

Oh here we go, Stone-Man85 is stroking Alex’s dick. Ert’s gonna have a conniption about this, man.

Drake: I’ve seen some incredibly obvious ego-boosting in my life, but this is just blatant.

he then perked his ears a she went on, “Only two reasons could be it; one, they’re either too blind to see how quite a catch you are…”

“Ah, thanks, Isaac,” Alex smirked as he set the tools down for a break.

Knie+plz+now+look+at+tags_8aafd5_4957034

I mean, geez, it’s THAT obvious.

“Or two… you’re obviously a eunic.”

First of all, that’s eunuch. Second of all, that’s STILL too much of a compliment, because one definition of eunuch is a castrated man who guards the women’s living quarters. Coincidentally, that’s a term which apparently originated in Asia, so Stone-Man85 is on point at least in that regard.

Drake: I just like that Isaac called Alex dickless.

I do take enjoyment from that, yeah.

“… you’re lucky I don’t rip your fur off and eat you at this point.”

Iris: Ooh. Scary.

Drake: Like a hummingbird squaring off with a cat.

*Iris and Drake go to high-five each other, but Iris is inexplicably sent flying through a wall by the high-five*

Did we not previously talk about slamming your girlfriend around?

Drake: I swear, I’m not trying to do this shit.

*A disembodied, feminine cackle rings out through the room*

…Is LADY LUCK trolling Iris right now?

Drake: You know, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I’ve been wondering why she’s been sitting in the back corner chuckling to herself this whole time.

Paulo: You can see the embodiment of luck, itself?

Drake: HERself. She’s very particular about her gender. And her species – Iris called her a bitch once and ended up tripping over a rock out of nowhere, falling into a lake, and almost getting eaten by alligators.

Oooh, that’s right! I forgot, Drake has a sixth sense that lets him see and communicate with beings who exist beyond the human plane. But why didn’t you warn Iris about Lady Luck being in the room? Doesn’t she harass Iris for no good reason?

Drake: Actually, her reason is that it’s funny, and she said that if I blow her cover before she pulls a prank, she’ll curse me harder than Iris ever gets it.

Ah.

There was a slight crackle, and in a puff of gray smoke, the pile of twigs and leaves became alive with flickering flames.

Alex stared with widened eyes, as did Isaac. “I did it,” he said, “I actually did it! Unable to control his joy, the youth jumped to his feet and began to dance around the small fire. “I…have created fire!”

The power of rage causes fire. Who knew?

Monocle, sticking his head through the doggie door: MONOCLE KNEW!

Get out of here, you.

Paulo: And I was beginning to think my hearing may yet recover. Oh, what a fool I was…

“You certainly did,” Isaac chirped, “So how about you sit down and try to take it easy. You’re still a little tired from the trekking around.”

Alex nodded to that, and sat down next to Isaac. But the little Fox-Squirrel shot up and sat down into his lap, curling up and taking in the warmth that Alex’ body could provide.

Drake: This is the part where we’re supposed to say, “awww,” right?

Assumedly.

Iris: Drake never cuddles up in MY lap.

Drake never transforms into a fox either. One kind of requires the other, you see.

Drake: Get used to having cold legs, sister.

Iris: You jerk.

Paulo: I would disagree with your claims, sir. Cassia finds it quite easy to fall asleep on my lap.

Well that’s because she uses the rest of you as her pillow.

Paulo: Very true.

The two had remained quiet for a while, resting and letting the fire soak up their soggy coldness.

That ain’t how fire works, you idiot.

Alex had taken the jacket from around his waist, and slipped it on his shoulders to gain a little warmth as he let his soggy cloak dry out. But something was nagging him as they made their way up the mountains.

Nice transition, dumbass.

He looked down to Isaac and asked, “Hey, Isaac. Is there anything we need to know about the mountains when we enter the forests?”

Isaac gulped at this and slightly knew that this was gonna come along.

Paulo: How would one slightly know something? Either you know it, or you do not.

Well, I know enough French to make a coherent sentence, so I guess you could say I slightly know French. But most job applications don’t have a “slightly know” box when it comes to bilingualism, so your point stands.

He sighed as he looked up to Alex and stated, “Well to tell you the truth, Alex… the chance of you surviving it are slim. You see, to enter the forest of Shisha-Gami is certain death to all humans!

Didn’t kill Ashitaka. Or Eboshi. Or Jigo. Or the majority of Irontown.

Kind of hard to claim “death to all” when an entire town can confirm that they did not, in fact, die.

Drake: It’d be kind of like me saying I could certainly control my ability to transform, when I almost got permanently stuck one time.

Just for curiosity’s sake, what’s the timeframe on those transformations for you?

Drake: About an hour. That ability is mainly meant as a stealth tactic, and only used in short bursts.

Oh.

The young outlander frowned. That’s what I thought,” he then sighed as he leaned back, supporting himself on his arms, “Just what the hell is everyone so scared shitless about? Why is entering that forest so dangerous for humans?”

“Because,” the little Fox-Squirrel explained, “The forest is said to be guarded by the most vicious God in all of Japan. The Wolf God, Moro.”

I would hardly call Moro the most vicious god in Japan. Ever heard of a guy named Takehaya Susanoo-no-Mikoto? God of storms, kind of a violent fellow?

(Really bum-ass, lazy, ego-puffing coward of a swordsman in the game Okami?)

Yeah, he’s a smidge more violent than Moro, methinks. Given that, you know, he’s one of the chief deities of Japanese mythology, and Moro is only really known to this one region.

Long story short, don’t let Susanoo hear you dropping his reputation on some wolf upstart. That shit won’t fly with him.

Iris: If he’s a really lazy swordsman, do I really need to be worried about him?

Yes, because he eventually kicks the habit and gets good at his job.

Iris: Oh, okay then.

“Moro?” Alex asked.

“Yes,” Isaac added, “She and her entire clan rule over the forests that surround the dwelling of Shisha-Gami.

Uh, no they don’t. They, along with other very much larger clans, PROTECT those forests. Shishigami is the only one who rules them. And, again, stop implying that Moro has a huge clan. She doesn’t. Herself, her two sons and San do not a huge clan make.

Drake: Well, they’re not a NUMEROUS clan, no.

Yeah, I mean, physical stature-wise, they’re fuckin’ enormous except for San. I meant in regards to numbers.

They’ll kill you the moment you set your first toe in that forest.”

Exceptions being humans who are traveling alone and not going out of their way to cause any trouble for anybody, who Moro doesn’t know and doesn’t have any outstanding grudges against other than their being human.

So, Ashitaka, for example. Hell, he traipsed around all through the forest and never got killed!

Again, Isaac, I find your claims hard to believe.

he then scratched the back of his head with his hind leg,

Drake: As foxes do.

Iris: Which makes it really amusing to watch Drake try.

Drake: Yeah, still haven’t recovered from the “almost lost my humanity” thing completely.

“Not to mention there’s her daughter. The forest witch, as the humans have come to call her. The princess of beasts and demons.”

Or as we know her in this fic, Sannabe.

Alex cocked an eyebrow. For one reason or another this conversation had a chillingly familiar atmosphere to it. “Just who exactly is this… forest witch?”

Sannabe, I said! Listen, dumbass!

Paulo: So inattentive, my word.

“Who is she?” Isaac asked, with a wide expression, “You’ve never heard of Princess Mononoke? The adopted daughter of Moro?”

Pretty sure nobody would call her the ADOPTED daughter of Moro, given that all anybody knows is that she was raised by Moro, and people hardly even consider her human to begin with anyhow.

All Nathan could do was stare.

I almost feel like I should start a “Hi, Nathan!” counter.

Actually, hell, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’ll take me a while to tally up all the Nathans to now, but that’s fine.

~A MOMENT OF NATHAN TALLYING LATER~

Okay, I think I’ve got it!

*SC slaps a buzzer multiple times*

Hi, Nathan!: 6

Huh. It seemed like more than that. But then again, this riff is an ungodly slog, even when I’m trying to go fast, so I might have read a few Nathans several times.

Iris: Who’s Nathan?

A character from the fic this one ripped off. Stone-Man85 keeps slipping up and writing his name down instead of Alex’s. And you’d think he’d be good about catching himself and fixing it, but evidently not!

Drake: That’s pretty sad.

Not as sad as the fact that I almost called YOU Nathan by accident.

God damn you, Stone-Man85, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!

God damn you, Stone-Man85, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME!

*Paulo and Iris burst out laughing*

Drake: Should that be counted?

For me, maybe.

Not once did he ever expect to here that name again. ‘First it was Shisha-Gami, then it was Isaac… now this.’ His face pinched into a tight frown. ‘I guess everything Aunt Jun said was true. The Gods, the forest spirit called Shisha-Gami… Now even this Princess Mononoke turns out to be real.’

I may have just forgotten over time, but I don’t remember Jun ever mentioning Isaac.

“I’ve heard that she steals infants from their cribs at night and feeds them to her wolf brothers. She also cuts her victim’s hearts out and eats them raw. Then she spreads their blood all over her body and dances in rings of fire to pay homage to the Forest Gods,” Isaac scoffed at, “I don’t know where they get these crazy stories from.”

Yeah, that was out there even for Sannabe. And she MIGHT pull shit like that.

“Well, are there any rumors that are true?” Alex asked, getting both nauseous and annoyed of this.

Just like I’m getting about him!

Paulo: You are only just now feeling this way? It has been a constant struggle for me from the start.

I’m resilient to shitlords.

“Well,” Isaac stated as he hopped off of Alex lap and stood next to the fire, “This, is the truest tale the humans could make of her.” And Isaac began to tell the tale of the great Princess Mononoke. He began as he stated, that

…Go ooon?

In the forests of the western lands, hidden amongst the ancient trees; the daughter of the Gods resides.

Oh by the way, this is all pretty much ripped wholesale from the stolen fic. Just so you know.

They say she was born a human, but she was raised by the wolves in the clan of Moro ,a mighty God from times of long long ago. To some she is known as the forest witch; to others she is known as the daughter of Moro.

Oh shitfuckballs, that counts as a redundancy, doesn’t it.

*Yes it does.*

Quick, throw Iris at them!

Iris: Wait, wha-ACK!

*Though nobody sees her do it, Lady Luck snaps her fingers with a gleeful grin on her face and sends Iris flying out into the hall; seconds later, a cacophony of crashing and swearing echoes back into the riffing chamber as Iris trips up all the DRD agents, and her aura of bad luck causes all of them to accidentally shoot each other*

Drake: Wow. I should throw Iris at my problems more often!

Paulo: She makes quite the devastating projectile.

Too bad Lady Luck doesn’t exist on the mortal plane, I’d high-five her so hard.

*Out of thin air (to SC, at least), a slender hand riddled with good and bad luck jewelry appears, awaiting the aforementioned high-five*

Oh! Well, that works!

*le high five*

*Iris walks in just as Lady Luck pulls her hand back out of the mortal plane*

Iris: Fuck ALL OF YOU.

Drake: Love you~!

Iris: You will never get sex again.

Drake: Aw, you don’t mean that.

But to all she is known as the princess of beasts and demon, who lives only to loath the humans that invade her land, and to rule the beasts and animals of the forest.

Pfft. Shishigami would like to have a word with you, Isaac.

And guardian the sacred grove of her lord and master Shisha-Gami.

Nevermind, all is forgiven. Except that incorrect use of the word guardian, the fuck is that noise?

She is the Princess Mononoke.

Roll credits!

*SC dings the bell on his desk again*

It is said that the Princess Mononoke’s beauty, lovelier than the loveliest cherry blossom. Brighter than the brightest of the sun’s rays, sharper than the sharpest of blades.

There are at least THREE major Japanese deities who are very, very pissed off right now. That’s first and foremost.

Secondly, spot the fanboy! My God, I get violently ill whenever San gets mentioned in this disgusting fic, but even I’M not as love-drunk about a fictional character as Stone-Man85 clearly is. San is pretty, yes, but she’s not hot enough to rival the gods themselves, for shit’s sake!

Third: Sharper than the sharpest blades? Then how do you explain that bullshit from two weeks ago? That didn’t seem too “sharp” to me! (Also how dare you slander Durendal, you fucking heathen!)

Paulo: According to Revelmese lore, the sharpest blade to ever be was a sword known simply as Sharp.

Hey, it’s a fitting name, innit?

Iris: I’ll say.

Paulo: It is indeed very appropriate, yes.

Could you ever see yourself wielding it?

Paulo: Oh goodness, no!

With such charms, she could place the strongest warrior under her power.

This is false.

Those who gaze upon her, no matter how thick their armor may be, nor how strong their will may seem. Those who gaze upon the Princess Mononoke; become powerless and intoxicated by her presence.

This is also false.

Those who gaze upon the Princess Mononoke… die.

This is true! (Mostly.)

“And that’s all there is to it,” Isaac

…I guess Isaac got killed before he could finish his thought, because he didn’t say anything there.

Drake: RIP Isaac. You will be missed.

Alex kind of gupled at that story,

Stone-Man85, you need to stop this. You can not “kind of” gulp, just like you can not “kind of” do most of the things that you keep saying Alex is “kind of” doing. It’s either he did, or he didn’t.

but then his mind focused aloud as he asked Isaac, “Exactly how much of that is true? I mean… can she really be that beautiful?”

Only in your author’s imagination. And mine, admittedly, but to a far more reasonable degree.

“Well, I only met her once, when she was of mere five years of human age,” Isaac replied, “Though I’m not sure if she remembers a little fuzz ball like myself.”

San meeting Isaac at a young age, I’m willing to let slide. It could have happened, if fox-squirrels were a thing in Princess Mononoke, and I don’t see Isaac being that awful a canon break right now, so I’m okay with it. Don’t expect that to happen again, or even remain the same in future chapters, mind. Because it probably won’t.

Alex sighed as he ran his fingers thorugh his hair, “Well, eiher way, if we meet up with her, we’re gonna be screwed.”

Maybe YOU are.

Next Chapter: The Lady in White; Tales of the Wolf Princess pt.2

It still throws me that you had to multi-part this.

Well, that’ll wrap up this chapter, people! But unfortunately we’ll be dealing with San again next chapter… fuck.

Well, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next chapter! …You know, I’ve been going for several parts now, I think I’m at a point where I can afford to do another oneshot or two to clear the steam a bit before we continue on. And, honestly, I think Herr’s been chomping at the bit hard enough now, I’m of a mind to let him loose. This fic is such a slog to riff through right now, if I don’t, he’ll probably explode. So, probably the week after next, or the week after THAT, I’ll get back to this riff, but next week, expect to see a slight change of scenery from me. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Iris Windchaser, Drake Ironpoint and Sir Paulo Rori, I’ll see you next time!

… Now to find me a oneshot and detox from all the Princess Mononoke for a week or two. Care to join me, Paulo?

Paulo: Actually, after all this, I would like to spend the next week or two with my wife and family. I feel I have earned this much.

Hey, you go right on ahead. I’m sure I can wrangle someone in your place.

Drake: Meanwhile, Iris and i have some hot make-up sex to have.

Iris: I said you’re not getting any.

Drake: Come on, Iris! Don’t be a bitch, be a bro!

Iris: That just earned you even LESS sex.

Drake: Crap…

Nice one, fox-boy.

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42 Comments on “1167: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Seven, Part Three”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    *Drake smirks like a smug little bitch who’s gonna get a gong right upside his stupid face*

    Eh, not likely. Remember, we give a free pass when they’re supposed to be smug.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    All I want is a little spark! What do I have to do, a Native American Fire Dance?

    I’m… almost afraid to show this to my Native American friend now. She’s super charged about Native American’s treatment in the media.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Isaac, on the other hand was relishing the whole moment. As the little fox lay curled in a tight ball on the ground, he watched and studied his human companion’s every movement. From Alex’s relentless attempts to start a fire with the sticks to his every curse and blatant remarks he made in the heat of rage, Isaac was able to find something incredibly entertaining.

    Isaac is a total troll, and I love that he’s taking joy in Alex’s misery. Maybe we should save him from the fic?

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, your commentary reeks of angsty teen deluding himself into thinking that the world is out to get him. It’s pathetic and makes you sound even stupider than you already do.

    So you mean it makes him sound like Ulrich-Stu.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He paused for a moment before continuing, and sighed heavily, “… and you don’t have to deal with getting rejected by girls simply because you don’t measure up to their impossibly high standards.”

    Well, Alex, it does help when you don’t suddenly turn around and say “hey, I’d like to check this anime out now” after hearing it has a beautiful woman in it. That kind of casual chauvinism doesn’t tend to sit well with most ladies, you know?

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Isaac seemed surprised by that as he asked, “You… being rejected by women? A good-looking and skilled fellow like yourself, unable to get one is quite impossible.”

    Oh for fuck’s sake.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I may have just forgotten over time, but I don’t remember Jun ever mentioning Isaac.

    That’s because she didn’t.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And, honestly, I think Herr’s been chomping at the bit hard enough now, I’m of a mind to let him loose.

    Me right now:

  9. "Lyle" says:

    Thanks for helping me out!

  10. agigabyte says:

    Cain: Must resist committing murder… Must resist committing murder.

    Goddess: *Walks into the Riffing Room from the attached kitchen* Hey, Cain. Uh, why are you doing that?

    Cain: I read the first chapter of another stoneman fic. I’m sending Dakota off to riff it. No way in all of hell am I riffing it myself.

    Goddess: Oh, yeah, smart decision. Was it the Legend of Korra fic that I encountered?

    Cain: Yeah. If you’ll excuse me, I must go grab some brain bleach.

  11. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Why isn’t this numbered?

    • "Lyle" says:

      Because blue. I’ll fix it tomorrow unless someone else gets to it first. SC always forgets to number his posts and I do it for him but, well… I was drunk and then hung over….

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Don’t worry, I got it covered.

      • SC says:

        Plus, I’m kind of uncertain about numbering my own riffs, because there’s no guarantee that the number I’ll stick on it is the number that it’s actually going to be when it posts.

  12. TacoMagic says:

    *Drake smirks like a smug little bitch who’s gonna get a gong right upside his stupid face*

    BAAAAAA!

    *Cerbersheep charges out of the room*

    Huh, a sheep chasing a fox around. So very close to a wonderful juxtaposition.

    • TacoMagic says:

      “Ah, thanks, Isaac,” Alex smirked as he set the tools down for a break.

      BAAAAA!

      *Cerbersheep streaks through the lobby heading in the other direction*

      Not really sure where he’s headed, since the riff was in the same direction he just went… but, whatever, Ima do important stuff.

      “Your crystal is under attack! Now is a good time to panic.”

      DAMN Silics! Where the heck did you come from, anyway!?

      • SC says:

        I’ve got things to attend to myself, so I can’t bother with it.

        …I’ve had these same four Dwellers in Perception training for the last four days, and they’re STILL not capped out yet?!

    • SC says:

      Oddly enough, Drake seems terrified. You’d think a fox wouldn’t be so scared of a sheep.

      Drake: WELL MAYBE IF THE SHEEP WASN’T GIGANTIC AND DIDN’T HAVE THREE FUCKING HEADS?!

      Oh, now you’re just being nitpicky.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    Iris:If you’re trying to imply something, Drake, you always just come out and say it. We’re all adults he-

    Drake: HAY IRIS YOU WANT TO GO SEXTIMES?

    “Darkwraiths! Popcorn, now!”

    Shame on you for getting her hopes up, Drake.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Not as sad as the fact that I almost called YOU Nathan by accident.

    Maybe Nathan should be sitting in on these riffs.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hm, perhaps. Anybody got the original author of the fic Stone-man yoinked from on hand? I know he had some words for Stone-man when the plagiarism was uncovered. They were much nicer than you’d expect from a guy who got his stuff stolen, but still!

  15. neji7hyuga says:

    These chapters are so long, if they have to be divided into parts.

    • SC says:

      I mean, this might come off as a bit double standard from me, but while I do tout the line around that you should write chapters as long as you feel they need to be, if you find yourself having to split a single chapter into multiple parts, IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE THAT LONG.

      And it’s not like Stone-Man85 is trying to keep his chapters at word limits. With how badly he writes, I’d be able to tell, because he’d probably be one of those people who end up throwing random, unnecessary words into the chapter until they reach their word limit. His chapters fluctuate between long and boring and short and stupid.


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