1164: Welcome to the Host Club Pumpkin-San! One Shot – OneshotPosted: September 4, 2015
( Today I decided to switch things up a bit; I’m bringing you a quick little oneshot today that’s a little different from our usual fare – it’s actually pretty fun to read and doesn’t make you want to beat someone to death with a copy of Strunk & White! HUZZAH!)
Standard greetings, Patrons!
I’m continuing to work my way through some shorter fics, and spotted this one while browsing through my stack. I can’t really remember what it’s about, but the title interested me.
Let’s start with the summary;
This was for a dare I was given a while back.
That’s rarely a good sign.
It’s a joke thing because we were saying there was a fanfiction for everything.
Something I fully believe in ever since I found a Star Wars/Leave It To Beaver crossover fic. There’s a fandom, and fanfics, for anything.
I set out to find one there wasn’t one for.
And there was no Hetalia x Pumpkin
:squints: I know of at least one movie called “Pumpkin” and there’s an anime called “Pumpkin Scissors”, but I’m not really sure what this is in reference to.
(weird little world in my head)
Is the world in your head called “Pumpkin”? Because if that’s the only place it exists, that would explain why there are no crossover fics with Hetalia.
So I said “Why not? I’ll write one.”
That’s the sentiment that’s filled our archives full to bursting.
But I hadn’t watched Hetalia.
Trust me – unfamiliarity with a source material has never stopped anyone before.
So, why not Ouran.
That would be Ouran High School Host Club, one of my favorite anime. I covered the basics of the series at the beginning of My Angel, which also draws from this source material, so you can click here if you want the relevant background.
And so I got this little thing… Enjoy…ish it!
My previous experience with fics that have this kind of summary indicates that this is unlikely, but there’s always a first time.
You were in a dark box, scared, and alone with no one but a few flowers.
…Am I dead? :looks around: Is this a coffin?
And everyone knew how flowers were, they were so rude!
Must be those bitchy blossoms from Alice in Wonderland.
Anyway, you sat in your dark box, bouncing as you were carried away from your nurturing vine, and into a truck.
Wait – am I a pumpkin, like the vegetable?
That’s not a canon! This isn’t a crossover, it’s an OC! And how do I know what a truck is? Or that it is a truck and not a car? I’m in a box.
It stayed dark and cold for a few days before you were put in a bigger box, but this one was open and bright lights shown down on you from above.
AHHHHH! I’M IN A CAGE! THIS IS LIKE DES MOINES ALL OVER AGAIN!
:attempts to run around:
Oh, right; I’m a pumpkin.
Noise bustled around you. Everything was scary and strange until that one day…
When the Fire Nation attacked.
when you heard that voice, so full of cheer and joy, like the sun!
Oh. Well, that works too.
“Hikaru!Koaru! Aren’t commoners markets so fun! All the yummy food and low deals for poor quality!”
Sunny disposition, back-handed compliments, obsession with “commoners” … hello, Tamaki-senpai!
The voice was somewhat high pitched, and rather dramatic, but you loved how it sounded so sweet and lively.
Damn. I know Tamaki-senpai’s very charismatic, but I didn’t know he could charm produce. I don’t even have the sensory organs needed to experience him and I’m hooked.
“Oh look Haruhi! Pumpkins!” You heard him shout, and you listened closer, excited, as he might have noticed you.
Could it be?!?
A seventeen year old boy with floppy blonde hair peered over the edge of your box and stared straight at you, his mouth open in awe.
SENPAI NOTICED ME!
:attempts to jump up and down:
Oh, right; I’m a pumpkin.
His eyes practically shined as he looked over your pumpkiny round curves.
GhostiePumpkin got back.
You felt a blush spread over your rind.
Pumpkins can do that? Where did I get the blood from?
He placed his hands on you and picked you up gently, holding you up in the air.
WHEEE! Spin me, senpai!
“This one…” He said in an almost whisper. “Your so beautiful!”
No! Bad senpai! You have to use proper grammar if you want to woo me.
He whispered even more sincerely, and the blush spread further across your rind, and all the way up to your stem.
… I kind of want to call “Bad Touch!”, but it looks like I’m really enjoying this.
“Haruhi!” He called to another young man he was with.
Even as a pumpkin, I should be able to tell that Haru-chan is a girl.
“I want this pumpkin! It would be a pretty edition for the fall theme in the music room!”
Fall theme? I know Halloween is somewhat celebrated in Japan, but it is more on the level of Saint Patrick’s Day or Cinco de Mayo – a fun imported holiday that kids like but it also gives adults a chance to dress up and get shit-faced. (Not that different from the American version, except there’s better costumes and very little trick-or-treating.)
The other boy rolled his eyes. On closer inspection, he looked a bit feminine.
HA! High-five, GhostiePumpkin!
… Oh, right; I’m a pumpkin.
“Fine sempai.” He said grudgingly.
You’re just jealous because you don’t have a lusciously curved rind like mine.
How dare he speak like that to this beautiful boy holding you! For shame. You wanted to slap him, but as you were a pumpkin, you had no way to.
… Okay, it’s a little scary how much GhostiePumpkin sounds like regular me.
The boy, as you had now learned was named Tamaki, Brought you down and held you to his chest.
So much awkward phrasing.
How big am I supposed to be? Large pumpkins – such as the ones used for jack-o-lanterns in the US – are very expensive, too expensive to use just as decorations. Decorative pumpkins would be very small, or fake.
And now I wish this was a genderbent fic. Girls are a lot more cuddlesome in the front.
You sat there, warmed by his sweater as he rung you up and took you away from the cold glaring lights and the huge box.
Am I really a pumpkin, or am I secretly a kitten? A pumpkitten?
You were brought out to a black limo. ‘Oh my!’ You thought.’My Tamaki-sempai is rich! What a lavish knight in shining armor I have!”
I’m incredibly well-educated for a pumpkin fresh off the farm – I know what a limo is, and what knights are, and even about armor. The idea of a supermarket completely baffled me, though.
Tamaki refused to set you down in the car, and instead sat you on his lap and held his hands around your form, making you blush again.
Wow, I am a really flirty gourd.
You had never been so close to a man before. Or really…anyone at all now that you thought about it.
I guess a machine plucked me from the vine.
… That sounds really dirty in this context.
Eventually, the limo stopped and you were held again.
I thought Tamaki-senpai was holding me this entire time?
Once outside of the car, you saw a marvelously structured school building. ‘It’s so beautiful!’ You thought.
I must have been taking a lot of correspondence courses while I was on the farm. Probably didn’t have a lot to do, being a pumpkin, so I had plenty of free time.
“Welcome to Ouran Academy, Pumpkin-chan!” Tamaki said cheerfully, smiling down at you.
Listen; you’re cute and everything, but I’d rather get a letter to Hogwarts. Well, the human-me would. GhostiePumpkin would probably be turned into juice.
The feminine boy rolled his eyes again, before getting several bags of other, less important groceries out of the trunk.
Those plebian goods do not deserve to share space with me!
You were carried inside, and down several halls before being brought into an abandoned music room,
I know what a music room looks like, but the supermarket was an alien place?
a few other boys sat on couches in the center of the room.
Character Blob time!
Hikaru and Kaoru? Why are the twins here? I thought they were at the store with Tamaki-senpai and Haru-chan? He called them by name! He got Kaoru’s name wrong, but he still used it.
a blonde boy who looked like he was five, a very quiet tall guy next to the blonde,
Hunni-senpai and Mori-senpai, who are the stars of a surprising number of slash fics.
and a scary looking man with a sharp frown and glasses. This man in particular glared at you before looking up at Tamaki.
:shivers: No one can glare like Kyouya-senpai!
“I hope you didn’t spend any budgeted money on that.”
Weren’t they at the store buying decorations? Tamaki-senpai mentions an upcoming fall theme and was apparently looking at pumpkins, so I would assume he was specifically shopping for one.
His tone was cruel and degrading, you felt as if you had been sad, and wanted to cry, but could not. As you were a pumpkin.
…I’m confused as to what emotions I should be feeling right now.
But your knight spoke up for you.
In a verbal battle between Tamaki-senpai and Kyouya-senpai, Tamaki-senpai doesn’t stand a chance.
“How dare you talk about Pumpkin-Chan that way! And I spent every penny she cost,myself!
You spent the money for me, senpai, no one is questioning that. The fact that I wasn’t stolen proves that much. Kyouya-senpai was inquiring whether the money was from the club’s budget or your personal funds.
And I would have spent a thousand more!” The man looked at Tamaki, confused and slightly weirded out.
He’s either weirded out because Japan doesn’t have pennies, or because Tamaki-senpai has become irrationally attached to a vegetable. Maybe both.
“So you’ve declared it a girl then?”
I assume he got that from the honorific “chan”, which is typically applied to young girls – but it can be used for boys in certain instances.
You felt insulted! How could he not tell that you were female from your full orange curves!
He might be right to ask; I’ve seen some pretty voluptuous guys in my time. It’s not like he can lift up my stem to check.
Tamaki glared at the man for a minute before stroking your rind gently.
Why do I suddenly feel like purring? Am I sure I’m not really a pumpkitten?
“It’s okay Pumpkin, he just doesn’t understand us.” He cooed.” I think you are the most ladylike pumpkin I have ever met.”
Damn straight I’m a lady.
He raised you up to eye level before smiling, and setting you down on a table, arranging you just right so that your most beautiful angles were shown to the world.
… I’m round. Round things don’t have angles.
‘Oh Tama-san, if only I could speak to you. I would tell you exactly how wonderful you make me feel.’ You thought. He seemed to look at you in understanding.
Ugh. I think I just gave myself a cavity.
The meeting took a while, but eventually everyone left, except Tamaki,
I guess the meeting wasn’t that important, since it would take away from my fondling time with Tamaki-senpai.
who softly stroked the top of you, wich would have been your head were you not a pumpkin.
Well, duh. What else would the top of the pumpkin correspond with, my stomach?
Actually, it would be my stomach, since the stem area would be similar to a belly button.
Tamaki-senpai just patted my tummy!
Then he bent down and gently kissed you, sending shivers across your rind. You blushed as he held a hand to your rind.
… Okay, this just got really weird. Well, weirder.
“You are so beautiful Pumkin-san.
The honorific “san” is typically used for someone of equal social rank as the person speaking, so Tamaki-senpai just put himself on the same level as a vegetable.
I can’t wait to see you again tomorrow. ” Then he lifted his hand, and walked to the door, turning out the light, and closing the door.
Wait, did he use the doorknob to open the door? You can’t forget important minutiae like that!
If he’s this obsessed with me, why is he leaving me alone in a dark room? He could take me home with him! It could just be him and me, alone. In his bedroom.
…On second thought, that’s probably a bad idea.
‘Oh Tamaki, I can’t wait to see you either.”
If only I had eyes to see with! Although I’ve been doing pretty well thus far, using whatever it is I’ve been using. The Force, maybe?
There’s a line-break of parentheses that I’m assuming is meant to indicate that we’ve transitioned into a new scene.
The next day Tamaki came in after school carrying a peculiar pile of fabrics, and threw them down on the couch, smiling in a jolly manner.
This cannot end well.
He then looked at you and smiled in a teasy way as if to say you would find out what he was doing soon.
I think you mean “teasing” as “teasy” isn’t a word.
Then he bounced out and came back in with a pile of straw hats.
Tamaki-senpai likes to have special themes in the host club for special events, but he should already have one planned for this since he went to the store to buy a pumpkin.
I must confess that I’m at a loss as to what sort of theme he would build up around GhostiePumpkin. That whole Thanksgiving/pumpkins/scarecrows business is more of an American thing.
Soon the other club members filed in, one by one and sat sullenly on the couch,
That’s a big damn couch.
glancing oddly at a Tamaki that was now stumbling in with a pile of shirts up to his forehead.
I don’t think so; the twins are in charge of wardrobe, not Tamaki-senpai. Their mother is a famous designer, after all.
Soon he blindly fell into the pile. He quickly regained his composure and straightening his tie, turned to the group.
Oh, look; visual humor. Ha. Ha.
“Comrades, as you know, I am your king and it is my solemn duty to entertain my subjects.”
“Comrade” would be used to address equals, not inferiors. You can’t have kings and comrades at the same time, as witnessed by the Bolshevik Revolution.
You look over to see several of the club members role their eyes, several ‘oh bother’s and ‘what this time?’s passed around the room. You scoff angrily then look back to your precious Tamaki.
That’s actually a pretty typical reaction to one of Tamaki-senpai’s ideas. They eventually go along with what he wants, though.
“And that is why I must announce, that we are rearranging our theme for the fall dance this weekend.
Also, you’re apparently giving a fall dance this weekend.
Goodbye feathers and hats, goodbye cold gray attire,
The hell kind of theme were they planning before this?
and welcome bright orange and gold hootenanny square dancing!”
:snerk: Seriously? Do they even have square dancing in Japan?
:quick research break:
Son of a bitch. There’s even a Square Dance Association. I did not know that was a thing. I question the use of “hootenanny”, though.
Tamaki said with utmost pride, gesturing to a scrumptious picture of farm apparel and corn and hay bales he had drawn.
The hell kind of “farm apparel” did he draw? I wouldn’t call denim overalls or gingham dresses “scrumptious” by any stretch of the imagination. They’re clothes that are meant to be functional, not flattering.
‘Oh My! Tamaki, this is beautiful!’ you thought, as he looked towards you and cleared his throat.
… I’m very familiar with the rustic, down-home aesthetic that Tamaki-senpai seems to be going for, and I wouldn’t really call it beautiful. It’s meant to be comfortable, cozy; nostalgic, even.
“All in dedication to my beloved pumpkin-chan!” He shouted, making your orange skin turn a rosy pink.
Why does no one notice the color-changing pumpkin?
You couldn’t believe how wonderful this was, though several scoffs around the room indicated some others didn’t agree.
Of course I think it’s a good idea, it’s all about me.
“But Tamaki,” Kyoya , as you had learned was the name of the mean man, interjected
He’s not mean, he’s just very practical!
” We already have plans lined up, and we have all the preperations made and ordere-” Tamaki clucked.
Man has a point; if the dance is this weekend, you only have a week or less (depending on what day of the week it is) to change everything.
“Tutut Kyoya, we have a special guest, and we must honor that guest as we would any other princess.
… I’m a pumpkin, dumbass. Atashi wa kobocha des’. Baka-yarou.
So I say we put her in familiar surroundings, with a bit of an elegant touch.”
Familiar surroundings for a pumpkin would be dirt – lots and lots of dirt. And some vines. Maybe a few bugs and weeds if you’re feeling the need to be authentic.
Images of girls twirling in patchwork dresses, and overall suits, with plaid underneath, came to mind.
:snerk: I have lost my damn mind. What does an overall suit even look like?
You didn’t know whether the idea was astranged or ravaging,
… Bwa? What the hell does that mean?
but it was what Tamaki wanted so you supposed you liked it.
Anything to make a boy like me!
I feel so dirty now. And not in a good way.
Despite more protest, Tamaki got everyone to grudgingly disagree,
Weren’t they already disagreeing? That’s why you’re having this argument in the first place.
and before you knew it, it was time for the dance.
Time-skip! And there’s another line-break, just in case I couldn’t tell the scene was changing.
After two weeks of hard work,shouting and arranging, the night had come.
Wait a second – two weeks? The dance is this weekend! Where did the extra week come from?
You felt odd though… with all this time, you had grown a bit softer… more tired.
That’s odd; a fresh pumpkin should last a good long time if stored properly. I wonder if there’s a crack in my rind or …
Tamaki-senpai didn’t make himself a little “access port”, did he?
You constantly fretted that you would not look quite as good in a dress.. if pumpkins could even wear a dress. You weren’t quite sure if they could.
The lack of a discernible waist might hamper things.
But Tamaki made sure to prove it was so, on the night of, he snuck in the room, already in his tux.
:winces: Poor Swenia’s throat will never be the same again.
He looked absolutely amazing. He snapped the lights on, smiling gently and holding his arms behind his back.
What is with his behavior? I know that I’m an anthropomorphic pumpkin with thoughts and feelings, but he’s shown no signs of picking up any of the external cues – like that weird flush I keep doing – so he should be under the impression that I’m a regular run-of-the-mill pumpkin.
I know there’s a fetish for everything, but really? Produce?
“Okay Pumpkin-chan, I brought you something.” He pulled his arms out in front of him, and you gasped internally.
Which is the only way I can gasp, since I’m a pumpkin.
It was a plaid patterned skirt in a shade of blue that would practically make your skin glow.
…Well, I do like blue.
All lined with elegant lace and a flower brooch.
How do you line a skirt with a brooch?
‘Oh you shouldn’t have, but thank you so much my love!’ You thought, glad he had. He gently slipped it over you, then pulled you up to his face and rested his nose gently on your rind, nuzzling his face to you and letting out a deep sigh. He ran his fingers over your bumps, making you gulp.
BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!
Dude, you just got to second base with a gourd.
“You look beautiful princess. May I have a dance?” He asked, and you quickly nodded.
Author! :points to verb: You’re slipping! I’m a pumpkin, remember?
Soon you were being carried through the school’s endless maze of corridors. Until you reached the courtyard, full of glowing lights, jean dresses and hay stack chairs. It was gorgeous.
I’m still having a very hard time picturing this “gorgeous farm” theme. Is it like one of those weddings you see on Pinterest where everything is rhinestones and burlap?
You danced for a while with Tamaki, everyone was staring at you and Tamaki.
You forgot I was a pumpkin again, didn’t you, author?
They must have just thought you so unbelievably stunning as their faces twisted into that of deep confusion.
Everyone looks incredibly confused because Tamaki-senpai is dancing with a vegetable, but I somehow interpret this as appreciation for my stunning self?
Wow; I am so very, very delusional. I really must be going soft in the head. Stem. Whatever.
After a while, Tamaki pardoned himself and sat you down on the punch table, going off to greet someone else. You sat contentedly, quite happy with the night’s events.
Why did he put me on the punch table? That’s where you put the food! I’m not food!
Well … I am; but I’m also his date, apparently.
A young lady came over to get punch, admiring your pumpkinish beauty, as she served herself a glass.
At first everyone was confused, but now they’re just kind of rolling with it? Ouran must be very progressive.
But as her eyes looked towards the bowl, she had become focused on her task, and the next thing you saw was her slight clumsy move.
This fic would be so much better if it wasn’t so awkwardly worded.
She slipped, the punch in the spoon went up, her elbow slid out, coming towards you, and you were impacted with pain, you flew off the table, internally screaming.
Even though I’m a pumpkin, I can somehow flush and feel pain. I must be one of those genetically-modified frankencrops the Greenpeace weasels are always yammering about.
“TAAAAMMMAAAKIIIII!” You said as your last word.
Or it would have been my last word, if I possessed the power of speech. Currently I’m planning on making my last words “Tell them I buried the gold in…”
Staring at him in the crowd of dancers as your round body slammed into the concrete.
This is a high-class school and they’re holding a dance in a room with a bare concrete floor? I don’t think so.
He turned, hearing the girl at the punch bowl cry out timidly.
He didn’t hear me scream his name in agony?
Oh, right; I’m a pumpkin.
“I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t mean too…” Tamaki’s eyes widened ad he dropped his glass. It shattered as he ran towards you.
They really need to look into some kind of floor covering to prevent all this stuff from breaking on their floor.
“NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!” He fell to his knees as your body split from the pressure.
… I’m confused by the timeline of my fall. Awkward Punch Girl elbowed me off the table, I fell and hit the floor, she screamed in reaction and then Tamaki-senpai ran over, and he somehow arrived just as my rind was splitting? No one moves that fast.
You could feel an unpleasant ooze as you saw light orange seep over your once pretty dress.
What the hell is seeping out of me? There’s not really any measurable amount of free liquid inside a whole pumpkin; it’s a pumpkin, not a coconut.
Tamaki cradled your rind as you rasped. He turned to the girl at the bowl.
Rasped? :snerk: The author really wants this pumpkin to be a person.
…Oh, hell. I’m going to turn into people, aren’t I?
“You, You, what have you done!” He cried, the girl looking so ridden with shock and guilt, that you were afraid she would pass out.
… Seriously? I’m a pumpkin. You are really over-reacting.
Tamaki seemed angry but he turned back to you.
Again with the “seemed”! Can no author commit to an emotion?
You thought through the pain, hoping he would hear you.
If only I could talk. Sadly, I cannot. BECAUSE I’M A PUMPKIN!
“No, no… She did-she didn’t mean to do it… she tripped. Please don’t be mad.”
No she didn’t, her arm slipped. I think. It’s kind of hard to tell. That passage is very muddled.
He seemed to hear you, and his eyes began to water, brimming with tears as he began to sniffle.
“No, no, don’t die… please don’t die, I love you!” He cupped the largest section of your splintered body, bending down he kissed it repeatedly.
Ewww. Dude, get a grip. If I’m smashed open and my goo is leaking out, then I’m already dead.
Technically speaking, I’ve been dying since I was picked off the vine; I’ve just been dying very, very slowly.
“Nononononono…” He was in tears… and all you could do was sit there, letting things grow darker.
‘I-I-l,l,I love you t-“
:wipes away tear:
It’s so tragically romantic; just like Romeo and Juliet, only I’m a pumpkin and he’s an idiot.
You had hoped the darkness had faded into oblivion.
There’s no Pumpkin Heaven? Man, what a rip. Do I at least get reincarnated as a turnip?
But it hadn’t.
Bwa? Am I a ghost? I mean, a different kind of ghost?
You thought you had closed your eyes but… You didn’t have eyes.
Yeah, I know – because I’m a pumpkin. Drawing attention to the fact just makes me question even more how I was able to see things around me before.
Things felt warm and they didn’t hurt.
Okay? I don’t know why they would have been hurting before, since I lack nerve endings, but it’s good that the pain is gone.
You opened what you thought your eyes would be,
What the what?
and saw a Shocked Tamaki looking back at you.
Wait a second … :looks through action figures collection: Score! I don’t have a Shocked Tamaki yet! Only two more and I’ll have the whole set.
You blinked, looking down to find that you now had a head to look down with.
My lack of a head never stopped me from looking at things before now, so why is this so shocking?
And hair! Orange pumpkin colored hair that drooped across your shoulders!
Man, I must have some really hairy shoulders.
And skin, skin that was covered in a beautiful blue dress much like you had worn earlier, when… you were still a pumpkin…
The dress now covers every inch of my skin? That’s going to be a bitch to get off.
Tamaki smiled, stretching out a hand.
Wait, wasn’t he cradling my shattered rind in his hands? He should still be holding me. And shouldn’t my body be a splattered ruin still? Even if I was transformed into a human, that doesn’t recombine my component parts.
You reached your delicate pale hand and placed it into his, standing up on your newfound legs.
And then promptly fell on my ass, since I’ve never walked before.
“Well…” Said Tamaki, a smile spreading on his face. “I thought the carriage turned back into the pumpkin… or the frog turned into the prince. But it seems… Like …the pumpkin princess turns into a queen.” You laugh, then cry, and bury yourself in his chest, as he wraps his arms around you.
Ugh. GhostiePumpkinGirl, you’re embarrassing me.
Well whatever turned into whatever when it was all done, you didn’t care.
And shockingly, I don’t.
You had your happily ever after, and as they say…The End.
Yay! :throws confetti into the air:
This fic does have a number of issues, but it was pretty fun to read. I question why this would ever be considered a crossover, though; a pumpkin doesn’t come from a unique canon, it’s just a pumpkin.