1153: Hammer Effect – Chapters 2 & 3

Title: Hammer Effect
Author: Kamzil118
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)/ Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
URL:  Chapter 2 & 3
Critiqued by Erttheking. 

Ert: So when we last left off, the author showed he didn’t really understand how either Mass Effect or Warhammer 40k works, the Imperium was so incompetant that it let an enemy fleet into the heart of its home territory, Lieutenant Stu showed how he was part of the Death Korps of Krieg by acting nothing like them at all and showed how “badass” he was. Also the guy only knows about 40k from 1d4chan.

Nora: Everything hurts.

Cornelia: Gotta stay strong, gotta stay strong.

Author’s Note: It will take me a while to update the chapter for this story since I have many others.

Arrival

The Citadel

The Council fleet had returned to the Citadel with a ship that made the Turian dreadnoughts look like cruisers.

Nora: To be honest that’s actually kind of generous, since most likely it’s one of the Imperium’s bigger vessels.

Because of it’s sheer size, the council asked the leaders to come in a smaller vessel. A Valkyrie was prepped for launch as General Siegfried and Inquisitor Adrastia stepped onto the transport. The general was joined by his retinue of five Terranis Rangers followed by the Eldar Farseer. “Why is she coming along?” Demanded the General.

Ert: Ok, what perspective are we looking at it from? General rule of writing, you need to have a narrative reflect the knowledge of the people who are acting as the perspective. If it’s Council perspective, they shouldn’t know the specifics of 40k vehicles, like what a Valkyrie is. If it’s an Imperium perspective, then they wouldn’t know the specifics of Council ships. Pick one.

“That is not your concern.” Stated Lofn.

“It is my concern, we are bringing a xeno Farseer along with us.”

“I only wish to see what this citadel looks like.”

Nora: I mean it’s not like my race spied on the Protheans 50,000 years ago when they inhabited it, oh wait.

Cornelia: At least it’s showing the Imperium being hesitant toward’s Eldar…though frankly it makes Lieutenant Stu look really bad for this mission. You’d think the Inquisitor would want someone who can work with xeno. Like a Rogue Trader.

Then she brought her retinue of five Howling Banshees in the Valkyrie before they flew towards the station. Silence came over the group when they landed. The doors opened and Inquisitor Adrastia was the first to step out to see a crowd of blue skin, reptilian birds, and frog-like xenos try and get a look at the group.

Ert: We landed in somewhere!

An armed group of reptilian soldiers began to keep the crowd in check as flashes of cameras attempted to catch the inquisitor’s face. She kept her head down and allowed her hat to hide her face from the constant flashes of cameras. A reptilian soldier came forward to her to speak.

“Welcome to the Citadel, if you follow me you will find the councilors awaiting for your arrival.”

Nora: You’d think that they’d want the media away from this mess. Also you might want to check whatever system that Mass Relay dropped you off in. The Tyranids probably have started munching planets down and seeding Genestealers across nearby star systems.

When the group followed him, they were escorted by a security team as people tried to get a good look at them. General Siegfried heard one of them say that him and his men look like quarians. In some way that offended him since they believed he was a xeno of some sort.

Cornelia: Considering that Quarians have had their faces hidden for 300 years, I’d like to know how anyone who isn’t a very old Asari/Krogan would know that.

One of the blue skin girls tried to get a peek at his sword, but he hid it under his coat. The only thing that they were allowed to see was his chestplate.

Ert: Why? Fuck it, might as well.

(Gary Stu Counter: 12)

Nora: The Plebians are not allowed to look upon my blade!…he was talking about the power sword right?

Ert: Christ I hope so.

The Council

The councilors were waiting for them in the presidium and they took their places. All three of them felt like time was very slow for these new arrivals, but they were relieved when they entered. There were thirteen people in their group as they came forward. There were six that wore masks similar to the quarians

Nora: Oh really? The Rangers that aren’t real look exactly like Quarians? Well isn’t that a coincidence, now the author can avoid having to come up with an original design!

while there another six that wore white armor. Their weaponry was also interesting for their species, they all had bladed weapons, but seemed to carry some kind of range weapons that wasn’t influenced by Element Zero.

Nora: They could tell this just by looking at them!

There were only five masked soldiers who had actual range weapons. It seemed like it had cartridge; however, the bayonet was the interesting part of the weapon.

Cornelia: I don’t see why. Mass Effect 3 lets you stick bayonets on guns so clearly bayonets aren’t ground breaking in ME. A sharp bit of metal isn’t exactly innovative.

Councilor Tevos began to speak. “Welcome to the Citadel, we are very glad to meet you here for the first time.” There came only silence from the group. “I’ll introduce myself and other councilors. I am Councilor Tevos of the Asari Matriarch.”

Ert: *Smashes face into desk* Asari REPUBLICS! Asari Republics you twit! Matriarch is the Asari term for an Asari who has entered the last phase of her life and is stereotypically assumed to pursue a career in politics. Was the five second google search to get the proper term too much?

Then she turned to the two next to her. “This is Councilor Valern of the Salarian Union and Councilor Sparatus of the Turian Hierarchy. Who are you?” The human hiding behind the visor of her hat

Ert: Visor of her HAT!? The fuck kind of hat is she wearing?

looked up and showed her face to everyone. She looked similar to the Asari in one way, but the skin color was the only difference.

Cornelia: I am really losing my patience with descriptions that are only “Looked like X except for Y” It’s lazy, pure and simple.

“I am Inquisitor Adrastia of the Ordo Malleus of the Imperium of Man.”

Nora: And seeing as Ordo Xenos is the branch of the Inquisition that deals with aliens, I really shouldn’t be here

Ert: I will flip if the story tries to say “Well there was no one else available.” This incident happened in FUCKING SOL! There’s kind of a lot of Inquisitors there.

“I’m very curious, is your position of great importance?”

“Let’s not get off topic, I am here because your fleet has entered Imperium space.”

Nora: Not really getting off topic. You were never really on a topic of any kind to begin with.

“Forgive the Turians for their actions, they act as the protectors of the galaxy. I am sure that they didn’t mean to frightened you.”

“Frightened us, ha. They merely surprised us, they are not even considered a raiding fleet.” Councilor Sparatus twitched his mandibles as when he heard her words.

Cornelia: Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. The story wants to vilianize the Turians while also making it clear they were hopelessly outmatched. Because humanity fuck yeah.

“Inquisitor Adrastia, why have you come here?”

“To see what this ‘galactic community’ that the Admiral of the fleet has spoken of.”

Ert: Because there’s a device in Imperium space that leads to a hub of xenos. I imagine a crusade will be declared by the end of the month. Seriously, if this story was anyway realistic, the Imperium would send a few billion soldiers through the Relay to massacre every Council race. They’d probably get a few Space Marine chapters in on it too. The Black Templars are pretty much in a constant state of crusade, they’d be first on the list.

“Are you amazed by the amount of races here?”

“No, not at all. I do not care about any xeno races that live here. I am concerned that your fleet that entered our space stated that we broke some law that we did not even know about. Explain that to me.” Soon her attention turned to Councilor Sparatus.

Nora: We’re still going on about this? Ok.

Cornelia:  “I came to see this galactic community” *Five seconds later* “I don’t care about this galactic community”

“Human, you must realize that we have a reason to have such regulations. Ever since the Rachni wars, we have decided that anyone who opens a relay without our consent is to be punished.”

Ert: I’m really surprised that the author is actually going with this approach, because the fact that the Tyranids just got through the Relay shows just how justified that law is. Usually the Council bashing routine is to show how the Council is all idiots, not how they were 100% right.

“So I am to be punished for doing something that I have no knowledge of. I didn’t even activate the relay. The fleet and I were there because we had just discovered xeno energy readings coming from the planet.”

“Are you saying that something else might have activated the relay?”

“Yes.”

Cornelia: Ten bucks say we either never learn what did it or that it was really stupid.

“Then why was your fleet there? You must have been preparing for something.”

“We were prepared to deploy boots on the ground to investigate the readings of the planet, but a planet breaking itself apart was not one of them.”

“So you admit that you were preparing with a military action.”

“Yes, but I had a reason to do so.

Ert: This reminds me of a 40k short story called the Last Church. The Emperor is burning the last Christian church and telling the priest who lived there how religion has caused countless horrors. The priest retorts that everything the Emperor has done to unite Earth under his rule makes him no better than the religious fanatics he criticized. The Emperor’s response is “The difference is, I know that I am right.”

When your fleet appeared from that relay of yours, we resorted to power our weapons to defend ourselves.” Then Councilor Valern calmed the two.

“Before this turns into a pathetic argument.” The salarian councilor looked at them indifferently. “I must confirm the reports of another race that made contact with our fleet.”

Cornelia: Yeah, while we’ve been wasting our time here they’ve already rendered three planets barren and they’ve quadrupled in number, we should probably do something about that.

“Yes, the Tyranids. When they first came we believed that there were going to attack us, but they were aiming for the relay.”

“Do you know if these Tyranids can tell us a reasonable answer for using the relay?”

“The only reason they can see is when the Imperium is forced to used exterminatus on lost planets.”

Ert: That…that doesn’t make any fucking sense. What does Humanity blowing up planets that the Nids are on have to do with them using the Mass Relay. Author. Have your characters react to what people are saying to them! Don’t just have them say whatever you want!

“You are in a conflict against their race.”

“Conflict.” She said before snorting. “That word is just an understatement, the Imperium is in an all out war against them.

Nora: I am also snorting because the Turian Councilor strikes me as the type of person who would eat his steak with a salad fork.

“Interesting topic, we would like to know more about their kind. Do you have any information of what they are and where do they come from.”

“All I we know is their behaviors, that is it. Their origin is unknown, but it is believed that they come from the edges of dark space.”

Cornelia: My God this dialogue is so FLAT! There is no emotion, no weight, no substance to anything these people say!

“You only know about their behavior.” She gave him a nod. “A subject worth looking into. Since you have just arrived at the Citadel, there is an embassy for your… Imperium. I hope that you enjoy your stay, inquisitor.” He looked to the other councilors. “Do any of you have any other questions.” They made a negative nod to the salarian. “This meeting is adjourned.”

Ert: A negative nod? What’s the difference between a positive nod and a negative nod? The fucking polarity?

The Embassy

It was a nice place in fact. It didn’t have any chaos taint or any strange xeno influence. However, the inquisitor was able to find surveillance bugs within the room. Nice plants, white walls. This place seemed brighter than a ships interior. “If the xenos think that we will be influenced by a few good looking rooms, they are doing a terrible job at it.” Stated General Siegfried.

Nora: Yeah, the simple fact that you haven’t gone back through the Relay to organize a massive invasion of Council space still shows how OOC you’re being for Imperials. Don’t act like Lieutenant Stu occasionally acting racist is enough.

“For once I agree with you. The Tau can do a better job at bringing people to their empire.” Commented Farseer Lofn. Inquisitor Adrastia grabbed the general’s attetnion.

Cornelia: Ok, now it’s just shifting into general Council bashing.

“General, I need boots on the ground. I am must inform the Inquisition and the High Lords of Terra of this discovery. You are to remain here with the Eldar.”

“Me with an Eldar. Why are you leaving me with…” Then he looked at the Farseer. “Her.”

Ert: Ok, is Lieutenant Stu’s personality just to disagree with everything the Inquisitor wants him to do? Because that’s all he’s done since the timeskip.

“General, I have my duty as an inquisitor. You must do your duty as a general. Since I am leaving you to this embassy I am ordering you to show the hammer of the Imperium to these xenos.” He stood there speechless.

Nora: What does that even mean? You want him to conquer them? In that case he doesn’t really have the invasion force he needs.

“Besides, if the situation becomes terrible I wouldn’t doubt your abilities, Oddball of Krieg.” She turned away from the two and exited the embassy as General Siegfried was mad at his situation.

“Great, I have to put up with you.”

“And I’m stuck here with you unless the Inquisitor brings me back to Ulthwe.”

Cornelia: Yes, they don’t like each other, WE GET IT! You’ve hammered it into our heads around five times since they’ve met.

The two parted ways as the Eldar was left to herself. He went over to the docking area to see multiple Valkyries drop guardsmen, grenadiers, engineers, tech-priests, and the Terranis Rangers. He was ashamed that he did not get into any combat. Waiting was worse than dying that’s for sure.

Ert: Oh, so he doesn’t want to die in combat, but he still considers waiting worse. Because it’s the classic case of an author who comes up with a new characterization every five seconds.

Then he saw two Salarians getting a look at his men behind a stack of crates. The general walked over and caught their attention. “Get out.” He said in calm mannered voice. The salarians scurried away before the troopers began to head for the embassy. He joined the trail of guardsmen walking in formation as he grabbed the attention of the xenos.

C-Sec Office

Garrus Vakarian was writing his report about arresting a krogan bounty hunter named Wrex, who was running about in Mordin’s Clinic.

Ert: Jesus Christ. Fuck pacing, just stuff three Mass Effect companions in the same fucking sentence why don’t you!? What’s Mordin even doing setting up a clinic on the Citadel? It’s the center of galactic politics, there’s no shortage of hospitals there! He set one up on Omega because it was a shithole and people had no one to turn to there! Author doesn’t care again!

What was strange was the fact that the salarian wasn’t the one who wanted to arrest him. It was the quarian shopkeeper next to his clinic. Funny the quarian named Tali

Ert: OH COME ON! Four companions? I’m surprised you haven’t found out a way to jam Samara, Thane, Grunt and Liara into this scene yet…probably should keep my mouth shut.

always wanted the krogan to get arrested, but Mordin always bailed him out. What was the salarian doing?

Cornelia: Yeah it doesn’t really make sense for anyone involved. Tali isn’t the type to hound people to get arrested (Or open a workshop, on account of the fact that Quarians only leave the Migrant Fleet for pilgrimages) Wrex isn’t the type of person who would…do whatever it is that gets him arrested, and Mordin wouldn’t bail someone out who messes with his clinic. LEARN HOW CHARACTERS WORK!

His thoughts were interrupted by a turian C-Sec officer who asked him to see the new race. “Garrus, did you hear. The Council found another race.”

“Is it another savage people?”

Nora: Whoa Garrus! I don’t remember you being quite that racist! Also how many savage races has the Council actually found? Just the Krogan really. The Rachni I guess could count as one.

“No, one that achieve spaceflight without element zero.” Then he turned to see him.

“Really? That’s new.”

“You finished with your report.”

“Just now, why?”

“I was thinking about seeing them with our own eyes.”

Nora: Aren’t you two on duty? Garrus could be a little loose with regulations but that was more along the lines of bending the rules to get results, not shirking responsibilities.

“Where are they?”

“They’re just outside.” Another turian officer came up to speak something in his ear. “Actually, you can go without me.”

“You know I never care about first contacts. They’re all the same to me.”

Ert: No they fucking aren’t. You know, it’s amazing how this author managed to make first contact between races, one of the things that can completely alter how the world works, and making it boring.

Cornelia: To the characters or to the readers?

Ert: Yes.

“You should see them Garrus. I hear that some resemble a quarian.”

Cornelia: The only thing more annoying than bland descriptions are bland descriptions that are constantly repeated.

Garrus quickly came out of his office to see soldiers look like quarians, but in gray uniforms.

Nora: Doing so in the same paragraph even more so.

They marched past the office having their boots and gear make the only noise. Then he saw men in red robes with machines attached to their skin. ‘Who are these people?’ He said in his mind then he saw someone look different from the rest of his soldiers. He wore the mask that was similar to the rest of his men, but he had a golden chest plate covering his body. A coat of some kind covered his shoulders as he watched his brethren march past him. His attention turned away when Tali yelled out for him.

“Garrus! Wrex is puking in my shop, will you arrest him?”

“I’ll be there, but Doctor Solus is going to bail him out again.”

Ert: I don’t think the author knows what bailing out means. When someone is arrested, they pay bail so that they can be released from prison until their court date. Unless Tali drops the charges, she can still take Wrex to court and get him thrown in jail for a period of time that you can’t be bailed out for. And why is Wrex puking in Tali’s shop?

“I don’t care, he’s getting rid of all the customers.” Garrus rolled his eyes and began to arrest Wrex once more. When he arrived at the shop, he saw the krogan sitting on the floor as he looked up to see the turian.

“Here to arrest me, again?”

“Yep, I was the only one here.”

“You do know that Mordin is going to get me out.”

Cornelia: Is the record skipping? We need a term for this bad fan fiction (We say that a lot) where the author’s idea of good writing is to say something and then say ten or fifteen more times because he can’t come up with anything original.

“Yeah I know, but it’s part of the law to arrest you. Not doing it would make my record look bad. Besides, what did he do to you?”

“Don’t know, he said he needed to put me to sleep and he did. Then I woke up more angry than usual. He said that it was one of side affects of his medicine.”

“Why were you puking?”

“He said that it was working. Mordin told me to puke somewhere else and I puked in the quarian’s shop.”

Nora: I guess getting a bucket was too much effort for Mordin. Also, establishing what the hell people are talking about so that it isn’t just a bunch of meaningless noise? What’s that!?

“Would you please stop annoying her?”

“Why? I see a shotgun behind her desk every time I’m there, but she doesn’t use it.”

“And you want to see her use it?”

“Why not, would make an interesting show on the cameras.”

Ert: You know, I don’t remember Wrex being this much of an asshole. If he was screwing with someone it’d most likely be someone who pissed him off. Also, WHY IS TALI WORKING IN A SHOP!

“Cameras?”

“Yeah, some turian came in there and placed a bug in her shop. I was drowsy when it happened.”

“I expected more from a bounty hunter.”

“This isn’t a time to act like one. If I was, I would shoot you and leave.”

Cornelia: Yeah, Wrex never really threatened to kill anyone unless they were the ones to pick a fight with him or they had it coming. But hey, characterization? It’s rly rly HRD!

“Health issues.”

“No, more like a checkup every ten weeks. I go out and take out some criminal and then I come back to see how much damage I took.”

“Why Mordin? Why couldn’t you find someone else?”

“Mordin doesn’t give me any paper work and he gave me a discount. How can I not accept that?”

Ert: Mordin ran a FREE clinic. Jesus fucking Christ author, one thing? Can you please get ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT!? Oh yeah I should point out, the author did label this story as an AU, but an AU isn’t an excuse to just do whatever you want with no rhyme or reason. An AU needs to follow its own internal logic and still needs to follow the rules of the world, not just do whatever it feels like.

“You know he could be using you for something else.”

“What, it’s true. Plenty of things go on in there. A discount is one way for all the trouble I have to deal with.”

Noveria

Nora: Five seconds? Can we please stay still for five seconds?

A secret research facility had been studying the behavior of a Rachni queen contained in a glass cage where it could be observed. However, the Asari Matriarch made a decision to produce the Rachni to become part of their forces.

Cornelia: A good story would’ve introduced what the Rachni were and built up the idea of them being recreated. Here? BAM! Shoved down our throats in three seconds! No pacing at all.

Although they strengthened the immunity of the queen to survive what could kill her,

Nora: We did the thing! Let us never elaborate upon it!

Ert: Oh shit, WALL OF TEXT INCOMING!

the newborns would have to be taken from her to train them into the Asari’s forces to act as a second measure if the situation in the galaxy gets worse. The security was there if someone decided to breach into the hanger, the only place to enter the facility. A security officer watched the sensors of any incoming traffic and watched it like every other day; however, she saw multiple red dots appearing on her screen and began to warn the facility to go into lock down. She went over to the mike and began to speak. “Everyone in the facility, we have a hostile threat coming in. It is a lock down, I say again, it is a lock down. This is not a drill.” The researchers immediately ran to the bunker along with a few squads of their security. The rest of the asari security members began to shut the hanger doors as soon as possible. They quickly turned the entire hanger into a killing ground. Whoever knew about this place have better have enough manpower to take it by force because defense turrets began to go online in the hallways. There could only be on sound that they could hear and it was silence. Everyone waited for something to happen like an explosion, but a fearsome roar came from the other side of the hanger doors. The doors were smashed open from the outside. Loud bangs began to make dents and the asari were ready to fire. When the doors seemed like they would open up, the bangs stopped. Until a ‘scythe’ tore through the middle of the doors. A swarm of rippers poured into the cracks. The asari opened fire with their assault rifles and used their biotics to slam or warp them away, but the size of their numbers couldn’t be eliminated. The asari began to go into the hallways, but the doors closed behind them. Those who didn’t make it were eaten alive by the rippers. The hormagaunts quickly joined their kin as the termagants followed them. The commander of the tyrannids was the Swarmlord, who brought his retinue of lictors to join the ranks of it’s forces. It commanded them to break the doors with their talons.

Cornelia: First of all, that was really really REALLY freaking boring. Your prose is more stale than King Tut’s mummified corpse. Second of all Noveria? The Tyranids are attacking NOVERIA!? They gain biomass from devouring the local ecosystem and they attack a BARREN ROCK!? How fucking Tyranids work is that you need to make them use up more energy than they get from the planet they consume. Them wasting energy by attacking a planet they’re going to get little to no biomass from is them shooting themselves in the foot. They’d just drop a few Genestealers on the planet and move on. Third, I think the isolated research facility would’ve gotten a LITTLE bit of a heads up about the incoming Tyrannic swarm. Fourth. THE SWARMLORD!? The Swarmlord is the ultimate creation of the Tyranid Hive Mind. It is a master strategist, and managed to reenact the Black Knight skit from Monty Python on the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. The Swarmlord would not waste its time leading a charge on a planet like Noveria!

Ert: Oh boy, here comes another one.

The asari soldiers attempted to hold them in the hallways, but the tyrannids swarmed their positions. It would be minutes before they overran their positions. In the bunker of researchers, they were afraid of what could happen.

Nora: Showing things hard, let’s summerrize!

Turrets were smashed or destroyed by their ranged weaponry, the only survivors were the ones in the bunker. The bunker could sustain life for five years if there were ten people, but the numerous amount of asari could last the group for six months. The bunker was attached to the glass containment of the Rachni queen that seemed unafraid of it’s intruders. The door was shredded opened as the Swarmlord entered the room. The group was afraid of it’s size, but what made it strange was the termagants bringing a body of an asari into the room. They all saw her body full of scratches and deadly wounds.

Cornelia: Scratches and deadly wounds? That’s like saying a ship has dents and hull breaches. If you can see the latter, the former really shouldn’t matter. Also, stop stuffing random things into the narrative like you think it has meaning. It’s disjointed and boring.

A thump behind the containment glass could be heard and they all saw tentacle touch the window. The body brought itself up, but there was only one difference, her eyes. They showed only darkness and they were afraid of what it would do, then her voice spoke. “Please release me.” The only stood in horror, but one of them came forward to answer.

Cornelia: They are in the same room as the Swarmlord. This conversation isn’t happening. It’s had enough time to kill every last one of them ten times over.

“Why do you want to be released?”

“You fear for the silence that will come. Please I am the only one that can speak to them.”

“Them, you know these creatures?”

“Yes, they are the brothers of the Rachni. The Alpha Rachni, our protectors.”

Ert:…WHAT!? WHAT THE FUCK! Are you kidding me? Are you fucking KIDDING ME! The Tyranids? The Rachni are native to the Milky Way and the war against them was fought thousands of years ago. The Tyranids are from OUTSIDE the Milky Way Galaxy and only showed up a couple hundred years ago! MAYBE some of them showed up earlier, but at most they were the forward scouts. You can’t just say “Oh, these guys are kinda similar, they’re related!” when making a crossover if it doesn’t make any sense! Because that’s basically what happened here. The Rachni and Tyranids have a similar thing about hive minds commanding massive swarms so therefore they were declared to be related.

“Why didn’t they fight you during the Rachni Wars?”

“Their attention was focused… elsewhere. They did not know that we were dying.”

Nora: They kinda suck at their jobs then.

“Will they back off if I release you?”

Cornelia: Is…is the Swarmlord just patiently sitting in the corner during this entire conversation? Need I remind you, this thing took one one of the most powerful Space Marines in the Imperium, and left him with no limbs and only one eye! It also fought a fragment of a dead god. When said god challenged it to a one on one duel, it snapped its fingers and unleashed six of its most elite monsters on the god, killing it in seconds. It is not the type of thing that politely waits for you to finished your conversation. It’s more “I kill you dead then eat you then recycle your biomass in the swarm.” Even if the Queen is its kin, the Tyranids I know would still kill everyone else.

“They only act as our protectors when we are in danger. Nothing more.”

Ert: Yeah…tell that to Tyran, Ichar IV, Macragge, Shadrac the Squat planets, Craftworld Iyanden, and the untold thousands of worlds that the Tyranids have invaded and stripped bare.

The asari walked to the console, but hesitantly desired to kill it with the acid tanks above the queen. However, these Alpha Rachni spared them to make this choice.

Nora: Everyone else in the facility though? Fuck em.

She looked at her peers and these Alpha Rachni. She saw only fear of death from the asari. She activated the containment room to release the Rachni Queen, the doors opened and the queen gave a look at her before it left the room. The asari turned back to see the Alpha Rachni turn away from them, leaving the survivors of this terrifying attack to themselves. The security squads began to check the hanger if the ships had survived the assault. Only one ship remained.

Nora: Well then, a major reveal about the Tyranids and the Rachni…thrown out in an anti-climatic manner in the second chapter in a way that makes no real sense. It’s called pacing author. As well as suspense. And having your writing make sense.

Ert: I guess “AU” is considered by some to be a free pass to fuck everything about both settings in the eye socket. And no, I don’t mean crack. Because if this story is supposed to be crack it is very BAD crack. Because crack is supposed to make people laugh at the absurdity of the situations it puts its characters in, and I’ve yet to chuckle. Because this guy just turned the Tyranids into the fuzzy bug friends, to quote a friend of mind, and he’s playing it all straight. To quote that friend of mine again “He’s worse than Matt Ward” For the record, Matt Ward created the Dreadknight, which is not so fondly referred to as the “Space Marine Baby Carrier.”

Cornelia: Not only does it look stupid, it leaves the pilot vulnerable to being shot in the face.

The Citadel Council

“Councilor Valern, what have you found about their ship?” Asked Councilor Sparatus.

“I have reports that they’re ships have no presence of element zero, but it seems that these ships were meant to sustain something else.”

Cornelia: We’ve ESTABLISHED THIS ALREADY! Something new please! Contrary to what you might think author, having the same thing drilled into my skull over and over again isn’t enjoyable!

“Like what?”

“That is something I have no knowledge of, but we need a spectre to investigate their ships.”

“A spectre? Isn’t that a job of a scientist.”

“Yes, but these humans seem to be militaristic from the reports of C-Sec. Besides, we need to learn the capabilities of their ships.” Concilor Tevos interrupted the group.

Nora: So how is a Spectre going to be able to do what a scientist can’t? Oh boy, I can already tell this is going to be a way to shoehorn in a character.

“Councilors, I would hate to interrupt this conversation of yours, but their ship has already left the Citadel.”

“Do we know anything about their race?” Question Sparatus.

Ert: YOU WERE FUCKING THERE FOR THE FIRST CONTACT! Why are YOU asking!

“No, but did you notice about those six in that white armor?”

“Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“They were much taller than those humans. We should find something about them.”

Cornelia: Yeah, there really was no purpose for the Eldar to be here. They didn’t do anything and just gave the Council more fodder to talk about nothing.

“Do you think that there is another race in their ranks?”

“I believe so, besides that is a good way to find something about these humans. Why don’t we send a spectre to investigate?” Councilor Tevos spoke up once more.

“Councilor Valern, they would be suspicious of us if they found out.”

“You are right, Tevos. These are militaristic beings so suspicion is part of their lives. What are we to do. They can’t just stay in the embassy and not talk with us.”

“We should wait it out. I know it isn’t the the quickest path, but patience may give us more than we want.”

Ert: That conversation in a nutshell. “What are they?” “We should send a spectre” “They’re militaristic” “What are they” “We should send a Spectre” “They’re militaristic.” I’m honestly convinced the author was trying to pad out the story.  And with that, onto chapter 3.

Author’s Note: If I continue to get these people who scream HERESY, I will throw a frakking Angry Marine at them. Those who don’t know what they are, go look it up on 1d4chan.

Ert: Stop making your story so heretical then. Also I’m pretty sure the Angry Marines would be more interested in putting a boot up your ass. And in the words of the Angry Marines “Fuck you.”

Fix Bayonets

Unknown Location

Fool why have you opened THAT relay!

We need to harvest more for ‘ascension,’ the harvest must go on.

Cornelia: Ok, gonna have to stop you right there. We are very clearly focusing on the Reapers right now. The whole point of the Reapers is that they harvest species who develop along the lines of the Mass Relays. That’s because their plans involve getting species to depend on the Mass Relays to transport and then hitting the off switch when they invade. They wouldn’t activate a Relay that brings a species that they pull the rug out from under into the fold.  I KNEW this revelation would make no sense.

Nora: Secondly Reapers can’t remotely manipulate the Relays. That’s kind of a major plot point in the first Mass Effect. They had to rely on the Keepers, a slave race they have in the Citadel, which is a control station for all the Relays. And the Protheans sabotaged the Keepers as a final act of defiance. Their entire actions for the first game was them trying to get an agent into the Citadel so that they could regain control.

Ert: Thirdly, they need “more”. What a bunch of horseshit. Since when have Reapers needed to meet quotas?

It will, but that relay must never be enabled, they are a force that will be our undoing.

No sentient life can stop us.

Not them, THEM!

Then they will join the ascension as well.

We are the tools of destruction that harvests for the cycle, but this species hides a large magnitude of it’s fleets in dark space.

Cornelia: Dark space in Mass Effect means outside the Milky Way. In that case, no they don’t. No one has a fleet in dark space unless you count the Tyranid main fleet that has yet to arrive. Also Reaper #1 knows this but Reaper #2 doesn’t because reasons.

We will be overwhelmed by their numbers. That relay must be disabled, for there are threats that even we cannot comprehend.

What could threaten us, we were made to harvest all life.

The species in that relay live in constant conflict. If they know about us, then they will do what they have known for more than ten Millenniums.

What could that be?

War.

Ert: Allow me to talk in cryptic so that you have to ask for clarification for what the fuck I actually meant.

That is the first action every species uses against us, what do they have that could threatened us?

They have gods.

Nora: This story wasn’t written for the sole purpose of jerking off the Imperium of man and talking about how awesome they are. No sir. I insist

The Imperial Palace

Inquisitor Adrastia had been notified by a member of the Ecclesiarchy that an important event has been made. Since she was one of the closest Inquisitor’s there other than the Inquisitorial Representative, she was invited to the Emperor’s palace to see this event and report her findings.

Ert: Considering that the Inquisition’s headquarters is built under Terra’s south pole, I fucking doubt it.  Also I said I would flip.  DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH!  Contrary to popular belief, your character does not have to be speshul and be the only person available for the job.  It’s stupid and annoying, so fuck off with it already.

She entered the palace seeing the Adeptus Custodes keeping watch before she entered the large hallways scented with incense. Then she arrived at a door that slowly opened up. Adrastia looked to see all the High Lords of Terra kneel before a stranger wearing the Emperor’s golden armor, but she immediately saw one difference in this stranger. She saw a skull implanted into the armor with one eye looking at her. It was like a Chaplain and the Emperor had been combined to become into this. “I heard that.” He said through a vox channel coming from his skull head. “Is this the one who found this relay?” One of the High Lords spoke up.

Ert: Who the hell is this guy and why is he…oh God no. No no no no no no NO! I am begging you please do NOT do what I think you’re going to do!

“God-Emperor, this is Inquisitor Adrastia. She was there and made contact with the xenos.”

Ert:…..FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

He turned to see her. “Inquisitor, the Emperor has risen from his throne. We have gave him a text-to-speech device and he has returned to us.”*

Ert: *Smashes face into desk* I was wrong. This author didn’t get all of his information from 1d4chan. He also got it from The Emperor’s Text to Speech device, a web video series. You know how I said if this story is crack it’s bad crack? While Text to Speech device is GOOD crack. All of the Emperor’s bodyguards are camp gay and channel the Pillarmen from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure (Except one, the main character who plays straight man), the Ultramarines are all self absorbed snobs who regularly defy the laws of reality to accomplish their missions (Which makes their Chapter Master want to chew his own face off) the High Lords of Terra are all senile and talk about outlawing breathing (Oxygen is one of the few natural resources Terra has left you see) and the Tech Priests are all sexually attracted to toasters. Oh, and the Emperor is a foul mouthed, short tempered asshole who is very grumpy about spending 10,000 years on a golden toilet being unable to scratch his nose.

Nora: The series did do a few serious things, such as the Emperor redeeming one of his sons that turned against him, but for the most part the series is pretty silly. Taking shots at Warhammer 40k lore and some of the more questionable choices GW has made. It wasn’t masturbatory fanfiction. Oh, and the Emperor STAYED ON THE GOLDEN THRONE! As a text to speech device doesn’t really undo the 10,000 year old wounds Horus inflicted on him. What’s more, the series pointed out that even if the Emperor COULD just slap his corpse into a mech of some kind, he couldn’t. Because he needs to stay on the Golden Throne to keep the Astronomican powered and allow Human ships to travel through the Warp. So author fails on two different fronts.

“Inquisitor, what is your report.” She came forward and saw the Emperor’s golden armor force her to become speechless. She quickly recovered and began to speak.

“My dear Emperor, I have encountered this relay that lays dormant in Pluto. However, a xeno fleet entered to meet us. Shots were exchanged, but our power forced them to reason. We entered the relay to meet this galactic council.”

“What have you done in this situation?”

“General Siegfried and I have established an embassy in their Citadel.”

“Is it a fortress?”

Cornelia: Why can’t people talk like human beings in this story. The Citadel could be a building or a planet for all he knows. The proper response would be “What is the Citadel.”

“No my Emperor, it’s like a small Craftworld. Their ships are smaller in size and they look very weak in a direct fight against us.” The Emperor stared at her as if he was staring into her soul.

“Are you hiding something from me?”

“Sir, what are you asking of me?”

Ert: I’d really like to know how the Emperor knew that she was hiding something from him, and why any Inquisitor that wasn’t secretly an agent of Chaos would hide something from the Emperor.

“Was there someone else along with you?” She gave a sigh.

“The ones who told us of the relay was an… Eldar.”

“Do they have any reasons to come this far into Imperial space? Especially this close to Terra.”

Nora: Logically the most reasonable thing to do would be the Emperor to demand that the Inquisitor tell him everything instead of this painfully slow, bit by bit process we’ve been getting the entire story.

“They said that it sparked some interest for them and so I allowed them to join me.” An Inquisitorial Representative was quick to judge her.

“You allowed the Eldar to get this close to holy Terra! How could you even call yourself an Inquisitor?” The Emperor turned to see him.

Cornelia: Guy’s got a point. They stood nothing to gain by letting the Eldar come.

“Terra isn’t holy, representative. It’s just the capitol of humanity.”

“If those living on holy Terra hear this in the streets, the public will be in chaos.”

“Thank you Inquisitor for your report.” He turns to the High Lords. “Since I am back on my feet, it’s time to help humanity thrive in the stars and eliminate the threats.”

Ert: Wow. “Terra isn’t holy” “There will be chaos in the streets if this is heard of” “Yeah, whatever”

“It’s good to have you back, God-Emperor.”

“I got to tell you fuckers that I’m not god.” Inquisitor Adrastia, left the Imperial Palace with a smile on her face knowing that the Emperor was back in control.

Nora: Was that supposed to be channeling the Emperor of the Text to Speech device?  The guy whose U K F and C keys are probably very worn out by now? Yeah…watch an actual episode then get back to me. Until then, regarding your writing.

Ert: Well, that’s another thing that would’ve been a major reveal in a good story that was shat out without any rhyme, reason or ceremony. That makes three. One with the Reapers turning on the Relay, one with the Nids being related to the Rachni, and this mess.

(“Reveal” Counter: 3)

The Citadel

General Siegfried passed Farseer Lofn who was sitting with her legs crossed, meditating her mind about the future. She was trying see the future, but it just showed General Siegfried looking through the side of a glass window with his hands behind his back, staring into the abyss. Suddenly she witnessed red beams of light lighting up as guardsmen and navy men began to run back and forth behind the general. Soon the red light glowed brighter and she opened her eyes as if the future holds a danger. What was strange was that he felt so familiar to her. Like she met her before.

Outside the Citadel

Cornelia: Well that was a waste of time. I always hated vague visions of the future, they’re basically foreshadowing for people who don’t know how to write. George R.R. Martin is the only person I’ve ever see do them right, mainly because he makes them more symbolic than anything else. And even then he does them so much they grate on the nerves a bit.

A fleet of Bataran ships appeared from a relay which consisted of two dreadnoughts, three carriers, seventy cruisers, and twenty-five frigates.

Ert:…No. No. Fuck you. I’m getting this out of the way right now, fuck you. Before we move on, let us review the defenses of the Citadel.

As befits such an important galactic location, the Citadel boasts multiple layers of defense. The first is the Serpent Nebula itself: the nebula’s composition is such that it is difficult for attacking fleets to navigate, thus preventing them from launching a concerted attack.

Another link in the Citadel’s defensive chain is the Citadel Fleet. The fleet is a massive task force consisting mostly of turian vessels but also including ships from the other Council races. The Citadel Fleet, led by the imposing asari dreadnought Destiny Ascension, constantly patrols the space around the station. However, should any aggressor manage to break through the Citadel Fleet, reinforcements from all over the galaxy are only minutes away, due to the network of mass relays located nearby.

If any enemy gets close enough, the station is capable of closing in on itself to form a long, armored cylinder, 45 kilometers in length. The station’s hull is sufficiently strong that, even when subjected to the most advanced weaponry available, it would take several days of sustained bombardment to inflict any serious damage to the superstructure.

The station also boasts its own internal security force, known as C-Sec. The 200,000 officers patrolling the station handle everything from customs to hostage negotiations.

The Citadel also has turrets to ward off small craft, such as dropships.

Nora: Knowing this writer he’s going to forget every last bit of this

The admiral looked at his screen to see the whole of the Citadel itself. “The council seems to forget that threatening our trade is also threatening our culture.” He said to himself. “Time to respond to reply to their ‘crackdowns.'”

Ert: He could’ve been talking about how the Asari Councilor fucked his wife for all the sense that makes. You need to ESTABLISH THIS SHIT! And Council crackdowns on the Batarians? Since when!?

Quickly he ordered his men to prepare for war. “This is Admiral Ghako Segbobar, get the rest of our fleet in position. I want our fleet’s maximum firepower at the ready.” An ensign came to him.

Cornelia: As opposed to holding back?

“Admiral, I have a report from one of our agents. He says that the rumors of a new race is there.”

“Has he confirmed it?” He gave a nod. “Good, we might get some extra credits off of this new species. What is the ETA of the rest of our fleet’s arrival?”

Ert: Batarian cliche #42. If there’s a new species in the area, the Batarians are always mustache twirlers who want to sell them on the market because evil.

“ETA, ten minutes.”

“Good, I don’t have the patience to wait. Are the transports ready?”

“Yes sir.” He smiled and waited for the right moment.

Nora: Ten minutes for the largest fleet in Council space to blast the crap out of you.

The Citadel Docking Bays

The control towers noticed that a fleet of Batarian ships were coming closer to the station. “This is Citadel Control, state your business so we can allow you in.” Stated an Asari C-Sec officer.

Ert: I refuse to believe that these people are too stupid to not recognize an incoming war fleet. I mean, they have DREADNOUGHTS for fuck’s sake.

“This is the Batarian Hegemony, we have come here to conduct business with the Council.”

Cornelia: What part of “State your business” did you not understand. You can’t reply to “state your business” with “We have business.”

“Then bring in your ship containing your VIP and we will let you dock.”

“Forgive me, but I’ll be the one to tell you that we have no VIP.” Soon the communications was cut off and the Asari looked outside to see explosions coming off the side. She looked where it came from, but saw Mass Accelerators weapons firing on the docking bay.

“This is Control Station 13 we are under attack, I say again we are under attack!” She looked back to see the fleet, but a slug was coming at her. “Goddess…”

Nora: I think the Batarians just went into flat out stupid evil territory. They’re attacking civilian targets instead of the massive Council fleet floating RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM! And didn’t we just establish the Batarians like to slave rather than kill?

Presidium

The councilors were listening to the Hanar representative speaking about their achievements… again, but someone from C-Sec quickly interrupted them. Garrus didn’t want to give the news to the councilors, but due to the urgency he volunteered to do so. “Councilors, we have to get you to safety immediately.”

Cornelia: Really they’d be safe on the Citadel. Just close the arms and there’s no way for the Batarians to get to them.

“What’s going on?” Demanded Councilor Sparatus.

“The Batarian Hegemony has attacked the Citadel, the ships are on their way to defend against their fleet, but we have to get you out of here now.”

“They must be upset about the Spectre attacks on their slave trade.” Stated Councilor Valern.

Ert: Spectre attacks that were never established before and will never be brought up again. Noticing a pattern? Also, people. You’re allowed to have emotions. You’re not all robots.

The councilors quickly followed the C-Sec officer to their designated safe room. Quickly the Citadel ships were engaging the Batarian forces, but was not enough to stop the transports from deploying troops into the wards soon streets would become areas of firefights as Batarian soldiers began to press their way into the wards capturing the civilians as slaves.

Nora: Uh, Batarians. Slight problem with your plans. If your fleet gets routed who picks up all the civilians? And how are your slavers going to take on the 200,000 C-Sec operatives present on the Citadel?  And how are your dropshops getting past the Citadel’s turrets? Also CLOSE THE FUCKING CITADEL ARMS!

The Embassy

Cornelia: Not the human embassy, just the embassy.

General Siegfried was not a stupid man to know that there some fighting going on, he had heard reports that there was fighting the streets already. An officer quickly came up to him. “General, the fighting is on our doorstep, should our forces wait to attack?”

Ert: A Korpsman with any respect would’ve been foaming at the mouth for a good scrap. What’s Lt Stu got to say?

“Captain, we are in an embassy of the Imperium, if they dare try to pry those doors open, then we attack. Otherwise we wait this out.

Ert: Space him. Every last Korpsman is weeping in shame that their regiments have been dishonored this way.

However, we should prepare for the worst. I want defenses established around the door, now!” Quickly the guardsmen had a sandbag wall prepared as they had two Heavy Bolters placed behind the wall.

Nora: Well at least the Imperium’s paranoia is shining through a little.

Guardsmen attached their bayonets with their Lasguns as the Grenadiers joined them as if the doors were about to break open from an ork charge, then the general walked to see Farseer Lofn come forth to meet him.

Cornelia: You know, he only had a handful of men, and all of them were some kind of bullshit “ranger” thing that doesn’t exist in the Imperium. I’d like to know how he has both regular guardsmen and grenadiers.

“General, I believe you will need my help.”

“What makes you think I would need the help from a xeno?”

Ert: We get it man, you’re super awesome and can do everything yourself, stop pummeling us with your blandness.

“This race that is attacking this… Citadel, has a dark intention for both of our races.”

“How dark is their attention?”

“Same as my darker kin.”

“The Dark Eldar?”

Nora: I can tell this because of the vision I saw…oh no wait that was something else. Well, I can tell this because I just can!

“Yes, this race is planning of taking us back to their planets as… slaves.”

“Farseer, I was a pupil of the Tactical Genius. It’s going to take more than slavers to kill me.”

Ert:…FUCK! YOUUUUUUUU! You mean to tell me, that random man smoking a cigar back in chapter one…was fucking Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed!? NOPE! THAT DOES NOT FUCKING HAPPEN!

Cornelia: Ok, Ert’s foaming at the mouth right now, let me go through why this is wrong. One, Creed’s title of “Tactical Genius” is a fan term, it doesn’t exist inside the world of 40k. Second, Creed is the leader of all military forces on Cadia, which is the Imperium’s front line against the Eye of Terror, a warp rift spanning thousands of lightyears and home to most of the surviving Chaos Space Marines. He has better things to do than teach random Korpsmen. Especially since he picked up Lieutenant Stu after the thirteenth Black Crusade, during with 90% of Cadia’s surface fell to Chaos! I think Creed would be a little busy trying to take it back! Third, your strategy lessons with Creed won’t do jack with just a handful of men.

(Gary Stu Counter: 12)

“Your attitude is very amusing.” Then he nodded his head in disbelief.

“Even though you are a xeno, I’ll take that as a complement.”

Nora: This guy is basically a walking Fisher Price toy. He only has five lines of dialogue that he gives a slight twist to.

Outside the Embassy

A Batarian sergeant and his squad had cleared the streets of C-Sec and now he was going to take the civilians hiding in the shops in the surrounding area to extract information out of them. “Where is the embassy of this new race?!” He Demanded. They were too scared to even reply since they knew nothing of how their fate was going to go.

Ert: All those civilians that apparently he’s just yelling at from a random position.

“One of you must know where they are.” An Asari pointed in the direction of a door that had been locked during the entire time. The sergeant didn’t even notice it during the firefight with C-Sec, but now he did.

Cornelia: We’ll eventually meet a character in this story that isn’t completely stupid. Eventually…

The civilians were quickly taken away to be transported off of the station as the space battle above was turning into hellish nightmare for both sides. The sergeant and his squad hacked the door controls as he smiled under his helmet, thinking that this race must be scared in a situation like this. It would be easy credits for him, they would be richer since a new species has a higher value than anything else.

Nora: Going into a secured and small area that can easily be bottlenecked. I is the true tacticcul genius.

When the doors were finally hacked it opened, but showed numerous soldiers in masks looking at them. He had made a terrible plunder in his career. Soon the Heavy Bolters fired away tearing the bodies of the Batarians before the kinetic barriers could even activate.

Ert: While I have no doubt that Heavy Bolters would tear kinetic barriers to shreds, the barriers would still activate for fuck’s sake. In fact, they’re always on! They just only react to things that move fast enough. Does the author know ANYTHING about EITHER universe?

Even if it did, the explosion from one of these rounds would tear the barriers within less of a second. The remaining Batarians were terrified at the weapons this race wielded and then the lasers appeared and tore through the tissue and the armor.

Nora: Teared through the tissue and the armor. I know that sometimes Batarians are on the cheap side but I think that even they wouldn’t get tissue armor.

Then the plasma guns burned the xeno sergeant within seconds and in less than a minute, the Batarian squad lay dead before the Death Korps of Krieg.

Cornelia: No. No no no. After all of the people only using lasguns, you can’t have someone pull a plasma gun out of nowhere. Whose is it? Not everyone can just get those things.

The guardsmen charged out of their embassy to clear the street of these xeno soldiers and General Siegfried stepped out to see the bodies of these aliens. ‘Four eyes.’ He said in his mind. “Men of Krieg, we are not here to take the Citadel,

Ert: We’re kind of stupidly OOC like that. Also these guys are Kriegsmen? Because I can’t find anything about rangers being in the Korps.

but instead repel any invading forces trying to attack the forces of the Imperium. Be cautious and cleanse this station of these four-eyed bastards.” Soon the guardsmen and the grenadiers began to run through the streets keeping an eye for any possible stranglers and snipers.

Nora: Ok, so just for a record. A full Batarian invasion that the 200,000 men and women of C-Sec can’t stop…and a dozen Kriegsmen and Eldar are going to stop it…*Sigh*

General Siegfried was accompanied by his grenadier squad along with the Eldar Farseer and her banshees. He ordered the embassy to be converted to an HQ immediately and the guardsmen followed. Once the essential command center was made he desired a situation report immediately. “Whats the situation with our forces?” He asked to a young officer who expected him a different question.

“General, our forces have taken this part of the station with success and with minimal casualties.”

Ert: Yeah I’m assuming “this part” of the station was a few square meters.

“Have our forces be ordered to destroy their weapons if they are about to die. I cannot allow the weapons of the Imperium fall into the hands of these xenos. Make sure to only kill the four eyed xenos.”

Cornelia: Non-Hegemony Batarians live on the Citadel too you know. Considering you decided to grow a conscious out of nowhere, you think that you could take that into account.

“Understood, sir.” Within seconds the officers, Commissars, and the Watchmasters had heard the order given by the general and began to relay it to the men. “Deploy the Baneblade.”

Nora: No. I think that the Council would’ve noticed if you had left the tank the size of a city block behind. What’s more, you never established it, or any of the soldiers that you’re pulling out of your ass. And now we get the whole point of this mess. “Humanity fuck yeah.”

(Gary Stu Counter: 13)

Mordin’s Clinic

The salarian Doctor and the Krogan merc began to gun down the batarian soldiers entering through one doorway. Wrex and Mordin had their Scorpians firing at them with ease. However, they were running low on thermal clips. “Mordin, you got a spare?”

Ert: THERMAL CLIPS DON’T FUCKING EXIST YET! Thermal clips were reversed engineered from Geth technology, and the Geth haven’t come out of hiding yet! UGH!

“Second to last clip, make it count.” Stated the doctor. They looked up from behind their cover to see more batarians at the doorway, but a something had grabbed their attention. They looked away from Mordin and Wrex to see something else, but Mordin made a quick observation about the situation.

Nora: AHA! Mordin did a thing!

Suddenly lasers were flying in the batarians direction, who broke for cover. However, the numerous amounts of lasers tore through the ranks of the batarians. Mordin and Wrex walked up to the door to see burnt marks on the batarians.

“Bastards deserve that.” Stated Wrex.

Ert: *Sigh* Wrex and Mordin aren’t allowed to stand on their own as badasses. They need help to fight off the two bit slavers.

“Laser weaponry, only seen as prototypes from the Salarian Union.” Noted Mordin,

Cornelia: Uh…I think you’re supposed to stay quiet about that stuff Mordin.

they looked to see the grenadiers passing by as they saw their skulls on their masks. Mordin also took note of the sharp weaponry at the side of their belts. They quickly entered Tali’s shop to see it all wrecked from the fighting. Then they saw the quarian come from behind the table with her Reegar Carbine at the ready.

“What happened?” She said behind her mask.

Nora: Oh behind her mask. I thought it was in front of her mask because that’s the way that Tali’s face work, sometimes it just teleports around.

“I believe this new species is clearing the citadel.”

“You mean those men in those masks?”

“Yes, seems like they want to help.”

Ert: I’m starting to suspect that the author isn’t doing this because he’s an awful writer but because he thinks his readers are so stupid that he needs all of his characters to play Captain Obvious.

In the Streets

Three Turian C-Sec Officers were held up in a shop, fighting off the Batarians. However, they were running low on ammo until lazers flew past them.

Ert: THERE IS NO FUCKING Z IN LASERS!

Three Batarians lay dead and the officers took a look to see twelve Terranis Rangers equipped with ‘Hellguns’ fire upon the Batarians.

Nora: Rank and file soldiers with hell guns? Sorry guys. Those are special forces and high ranking officers only.

More of the four eyes came in to press forward on both the Rangers and the officers. A Ranger came out of cover and went into the street while he fired upon the Batarians. However, he was in open cover. Meaning that he was exposed to fire. The Batarians took this chance to kill him, but the rest of Rangers came out to provide volley fire for their comrade. Then a YMIR mech came out and fired it’s machine gun and rockets at the men. The machine killed three Rangers while they jumped for cover.

Cornelia: Well that was a disjointed mess. Also as far as I’m concerned these guys aren’t the Korpsmen who want to die on the battlefield, so what the fuck is that one guy doing breaking formation like that? And a YMIR mech came out of nowhere.

(Suddenly Counter: 6)

In response, the Kriegsman called in armor support. A Baneblade broke through a series of buildings to aim the las cannons on the YMIR mech.

Ert: Killing hundreds of innocents! Also Baneblades are not something you can call up and have them be there in a few seconds.

The two turrets shot it’s arms off before the main cannon fired a large shell into the rest of it’s body. The explosion was so large that few of the Batarians received burn wounds from it. “Get some missiles on that thing!” Yelled one of the Batarians. Three missile launchers were pulled out and began to fire on the super tank. However, the missiles literally bounced off it’s armor like it was nothing. “Shit!” Yelled one of them.

Nora: I don’t see why they would bounce off, but the again I’m not the moron who wrote this barely functional story. I mean that wasn’t an action scene. That was a summary of an action scene.

Safe Room

The Councilors did not know how to respond to the situation, but reports from C-Sec were stating that these humans were joining the fight against the Batarians. However, Councilor Sparatus was skeptical about them. “Even if they do manage to clear out the Batarians in that ward, we still have to deal with the other wards.”

Cornelia: That’s not really him being skeptical about the Imperium. That’s just him being realistic.

“Councilor Sparatus, this is good news compared to the rest of the wards. We will have one less ward to deal with.” Replied Councilor Valern. Councilor Tevos observed the weaponry through the camera footage.

Ert: How insufferably naive.

“Councilor Valern, the Salarian Union may be behind the laser weaponry race.” The Salarian councilor looked to see what she was looking at.

“Impossible, how could they have laser weaponry for their forces. It is understandable for ship combat, but for ground forces it must be an achievement.”

“Surprised that another race surpassed you in laser research.” The salarian gave her a nod.

Nora: “You’re behind in laser weapons” “Impossible!” “You’re behind in laser weapons.” I’m sorry author, could you please make the dialogue slightly more dull? I’m still awake.

“If we could get our hands on their weapons, our Spectres could get an edge.”

Nora: Yes, we need to focus entirely on our 100 man unit and not our rank and file soldiers!

“This race may bring some surprising technology that isn’t based off of Element Zero.” Soon they saw a heavy weapons team set up their Heavy Bolters and fire away at three YMIR mechs that was torn apart from it’s enormous projectiles.

Cornelia: The mechs just did nothing while that happened huh?

The Converted Headquarters

General Siegfried could hear reports of easy success in the citadel and was surprised that these xenos were easy to fight compared to the Orks and the Tau.

Ert: Yeah, that’s why you don’t really crossover these two worlds in their entirety.

However, he heard reports of vessels from the xeno fleet providing support for their ground forces. He needed a fleet that could prevent them from having pure air dominance. He needed help from Inquisitor Adrastia, but she left with the ship that they came in.

Nora: So they have Baneblades but nothing to take air dominance. How stupid are these people?

Trying to communicate through vox channels was pointless, but he realized that she was also a psyker. He turned to see if Farseer Lofn was there, luckily she was watching the situation along with the general. “Farseer, I need you to communicate to the Inquisitor of our situation.”

“I see that you take many factors into consideration.” She quickly went to meditate in her room and she quickly used her mind to speak to the inquisitor of the Emperor.

Cornelia: What are those factors again?

Terra’s Faithful

Inquisitor Adrastia was about to go off into another investigation with a fleet which required the Ordo Malleus; however, someone had seemed to enter her mind. “Inquisitor, return to the citadel, the general requires your help.”

“Who are you and why have you entered my mind?”

“I am the Farseer you brought along.”

“What makes me think I would listen to a xeno like you?”

Nora: Uh…she never said that to the Farseer. And she has ALREADY listened to her. Jesus, the author loves his generic humans saying they hate xenon so much that he has them say it even when its out of character.

“The general was desperate enough to require my help. He needs a fleet to stop this race from harming his forces.”

“A xeno fleet has attacked the citadel?”

“Yes, the general needs a fleet to counter theirs.”

“Tell him that I will come with the Black Templars Chapter.”

Ert: Either the Black Templars were already there, in which case what the fuck are they waiting for, or you have to go get them, by which time the battle will already be over.

“I will.” Soon the Farseer left the inquisitor’s mind and Adrastia changed course for the relay with a fleet of three Battle Barges, five Emperor-class battleships, a Nemesis-class Fleet Carrier, twenty Armageddon-class Battlecruisers, and forty Mars-class Battlecruisers. Little did the two know that there was an unknown being watching their conversation in the depths of the warp.

Nora: Oh they were already there. WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T THEY BEEN USING THEM!

Author’s Note: What do you guys think?

Ert: It sucks.

I actually had to research the Mass Effect and 40K ships for this chapter. I also wanted to try something different.

Cornelia: Good. Now research everything else and try something that isn’t stupid.

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81 Comments on “1153: Hammer Effect – Chapters 2 & 3”

  1. erttheking says:

    To top it off, the third chapter is called “Fix bayonets” and I don’t recall anyone using one…in fact, the second chapter said that the soldiers already HAD bayonets on their guns.

  2. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but if these tyranids are from out of the galaxy, wouldn’t it make much more sense if they’re related to the Reapers instead of the rachni?

    • erttheking says:

      Kinda? The whole thing with the Tyranids is that the devour everything, rendering planets barren, which doesn’t fit that well with the Reapers cycle thing, as the Reapers need to leave something over so they can start again. Also the theory is that the Tyranids are from another galaxy…that they destroyed.

  3. SC says:

    Also the guy only knows about 40k from 1d4chan.

    *cringe*

    Oooh dear. They’re not the worst, but they are FAR from the best lore source.

    • magisking says:

      A lot of what they say is meant to be a joke. Why the hell would anyone take it seriously?

      • SC says:

        Because people – like this author – are dumb enough to do so?

        I mean, I KNOW THEY’RE TROLLING FOR LULZ, look how they format their pages for crying out loud!

  4. SC says:

    I guess “AU” is considered by some to be a free pass to fuck everything about both settings in the eye socket.

    Eesh, this again. I remember getting into an argument with an author over the boundary definitions for AU fics. I made sure to explain my point thoroughly – that while yes, you can make your own rules, the canon(s) must still remain true to its/their core values. You can’t suddenly decide Rivendell is an Imperial spaceport or whatever.

    The response I got back?

    The equivalent of being told, “Nuh-uuuh.”

  5. SC says:

    An armed group of reptilian soldiers began to keep the crowd in check as flashes of cameras attempted to catch the inquisitor’s face.

    Just a random thought from me, but you’d think that, for Mass Effect being so far in the future with technology, the cameras would have auto-brightening capabilities to render flash photography irrelevant. I could be wrong, though.

  6. SC says:

    The Plebians are not allowed to look upon my blade!

    Call me crazy, but I’ve yet to read any kind of story where a swordsman was blade-shy. I mean, maybe if he were a Jedi in hiding from the Empire, I could see him not wanting to show off his sword everywhere, but for the most part, every swordsman archetype one ever seen has them proudly displaying their weapon. And I’m pretty sure commanding officers in the Imperium’s military wouldn’t give a shit who knew they were armed and who didn’t, so what’s this guy’s deal?

  7. SC says:

    however, the bayonet was the interesting part of the weapon.

    …What? No, it’s not. Krogans use big fucking knives and nobody bats an eye, why would they care about a knife attached under a gun barrel? And even if, somehow, there were races in the Council who had no idea how bayonets work, any one of the other races could easily fill them in, and THERE ARE ALSO HUMANS ON THE COUNCIL. Humankind would be one of the races least impressed by a bayonet, because we’ve been using that shit forever!

    Author, this shit is elementary grade.

    • GhostCat says:

      And if you’re going to make a statement like “the bayonet was the interesting part of the weapon”, then you need to be able to back it up with something to justify that statement.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, why’s the bayonet interesting? Is it a rotary blade? Can it fire like a shuriken? Is it a super-heated vibrobayonet that cuts through steel like butter?

        You can’t just call a bayonet interesting and expect us to believe you.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cornelia: Considering that Quarians have had their faces hidden for 300 years, I’d like to know how anyone who isn’t a very old Asari/Krogan would know that.

    Well, you can get quarian porn on Omega for five credits, so I always assumed that their appearance was sort of an open secret where through manipulating circumstance the games did not let us look under their suits but it was relatively common knowledge in-universe.

    That said, humans are way more similar in appearance to asari than quarians, so the author is still wrong.

    • erttheking says:

      The only Quarian appearance we got was that phoned in photoshopped portrait of Tali. Doesn’t count as far as I’m concerned.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Exactly. Palaven’s Dogs actually has a stated policy of completely ignoring anything that was introduced in ME3*. That also had the benefit of opening up what turian females could look like, so instead of them looking like burn victims and only two existing in the entire galaxy, they are just kind of difficult to distinguish from the males and often referred to as “he” due to a quirk of the Turii language.

        Similarly, we do get a description of what the quarians look like under their helmets, and it’s less a phoned-in photoshop and more along the lines of “A Homestuck troll got freaky with a Kig-Yar”.

        *Except for Primarch Victus, he was awesome.

  9. GhostCat says:

    Because of it’s sheer size, the council asked the leaders to come in a smaller vessel.

    Ewww…

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    The only thing that they were allowed to see was his chestplate.

    Meaning that either the non-Euclidean geometry is back in force, or his chestplate is gigantic and he is hiding entirely behind it like some sort of tower shield.

  11. SC says:

    But hey, characterization? It’s rly rly HRD!

    God forbid a badfic author possess the ability to set the basic groundwork for a character and work up from there in a way that sticks to core values while improving on said values at the same time. Shit, that’s like trying to quote Shakespeare!

  12. GhostCat says:

    Cornelia: I am really losing my patience with descriptions that are only “Looked like X except for Y” It’s lazy, pure and simple.

    And if the author never bothers to describe X before using “looked like X except for Y”, then it is doubly lazy.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, he’s assuming everybody is familiar with the Mass Effect and 40K canons, and that is simply not true.

      Like, without looking at a Google search, if you asked me what a Tyranid was, I’d say “some kind of dinosaur or something,” when it is, in fact, much closer to the Xenomorph from the Alien franchise.

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, I have almost no familiarity with either canon so telling me that something looks like something else, only slightly different, helps me not at all. It’s the same sort of Void characterization that plagued that pirate fic I just finished.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    looked up and showed her face to everyone. She looked similar to the Asari in one way, but the skin color was the only difference.

    Logic bomb! If she looked similar to the asari in only one way, every other aspect of her appearance would be different.

    Also, she would differ in multiple ways: her skin color would be different, yes, but she would also have a differently shaped head, she would (presumably) have hair, and she’d probably be built somewhat more sturdily than the standard asari phenotype.

  14. “Frightened us, ha. They merely surprised us, they are not even considered a raiding fleet.” Councilor Sparatus twitched his mandibles as when he heard her words.

    That’s an awfully sedate reaction considering that they murdered your subordinates for no good reason!

  15. GhostCat says:

    “General, I have my duty as an inquisitor. You must do your duty as a general. Since I am leaving you to this embassy I am ordering you to show the hammer of the Imperium to these xenos.” He stood there speechless.

    Nora: What does that even mean?

    OOH! I know!

  16. What’s Mordin even doing setting up a clinic on the Citadel? It’s the center of galactic politics, there’s no shortage of hospitals there! He set one up on Omega because it was a shithole and people had no one to turn to there! Author doesn’t care again!

    Well, the Citadel does have a substantial problem with its distribution of resources… I;m sure there are plenty of hospitals for rich people.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    And why is Wrex puking in Tali’s shop?

    Well, in my experience nausea is a fairly common reaction to finding oneself in a space that should not exist.

  18. GhostCat says:

    Cornelia: Not only does it look stupid, it leaves the pilot vulnerable to being shot in the face.

    That was the very first thing I thought when I saw the picture; they can build this bulky mecha suit, but can’t give the pilot a helmet or even a visor to keep bugs out of his teeth and shrapnel out of his eyes? That seems like a design flaw that should never have left the drafting stages.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I think it’s called Warhammer 40k because it would take 40 thousand years to work through all the wonky tactics and engineering.

      • SC says:

        Well, to be fair, common solutions for technology not working right in the Imperium is to:

        A) Smack the crap out of it

        or

        B) Pray that it doesn’t fuck you over.

        So take that how you will.

    • erttheking says:

      Matt “Spiritual Liege” Ward wanted to have it invoke the power loader from Aliens. Apparently he forgot that that thing was designed for heavy lifting and not frontline combat.

  19. GhostCat says:

    Contrary to popular belief, your character does not have to be speshul and be the only person available for the job.

    Case in point – Isaac Clarke of the Dead Space series. His only special gift can be boiled down to “good at not dying”.

    • SC says:

      And shooting legs off space zombies with what is considered a POWER TOOL by that universe’s standards, but hey.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I think the Dead Space universe has reached a metastable state where all the OSHA inspectors die before they can write anybody up.

      • erttheking says:

        Wasn’t there something in the backstory of Deadspace about there being a major resource shortage to which planet cracking ships were made? It’d make sense if those things cut a shit ton of corners to get them cracking planets ASAP (Never played a single Dead Space game)

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, the planet-crackers were put into service to help replenish depleted resources. Even if they didn’t cut corners, the Ishimura is a mining ship; it would stand to reason that most of the tools onboard were designed to break things apart.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Not to mention: “Just crazy enough.”

      • erttheking says:

        Yeah, normally stories go with “Just crazy enough” plans when there either aren’t any sane plans available, or they’ve already been tried. That or the character’s back is against a wall and they have nothing to lose.

        You don’t just do it right the bat when you have plenty of time to plan! There are BILLIONS of soldiers in Sol alone, along with who knows how many generals. And Lieutenant Stu is chosen…why exactly? He faced tanked a Daemon? Good for him…GIVE HIM TO THE BLACK TEMPLARS! Don’t give him a command!

  20. agigabyte says:

    As someone who knows nothing about Warhammer 40k, it’s very obvious that this has no bearing on the canon whatsoever.

  21. infinity421 says:

    Well, you said that something Creed-related would piss me off about this…

    CREED
    NO
    WHAT
    WHY
    ;_;

  22. SFY says:

    Why do I keep pronouncing his name as “General Stirfryed”?

  23. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Also, unrelated to the story, turns out THIS is what Synths from the Fallout universe looks like.
    https://scontent-hkg3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11137147_10153546943102673_5121281761193305_n.jpg?oh=9f003d7c59dc4b8c6012f0543620aa94&oe=566AA739

    Though this is a “Generation 2” synth. Harkness and the bodyguard guy are probably a more advanced model.

  24. TacoMagic says:

    It seemed like it had cartridge; however, the bayonet was the interesting part of the weapon.

    Yes, because if Warhammer 40k is known for anything, it’s the hyper-advanced knife technology it employs.

  25. TacoMagic says:

    A thump behind the containment glass could be heard

    I really wish it could have, then we might actually be experiencing this story rather than being told about it.

  26. TacoMagic says:

    Not them, THEM!

    Who?

    “You know. The guys. They. Those people. The group. The peeps. THEM! And not just them or them THEM, but THEM THEM.”

    Ahh, all making sense now.

  27. TacoMagic says:

    Wait a damn fucking minute. I finally put my finger on what is bothering me about this whole setup.

    The Imperium just discovered the existence of Ezeo via the relay located in the Sol system.

    40k fans, let that sink in.

    The imperium just discovered a way to do FTL without using the warp. The entire tech priesthood would have collectively orgasmed before descending on the relay en mass to deconstruct, reverse-engineer, and micronize the technology behind it regardless of it being Xeno in origin.

    Yet, here, not even the barest of interest in the relay.

    • erttheking says:

      On the one hand the Tech priests have a tendancy to go “HURESY! HURESY!” when it comes to technology that isn’t human made and perfected thousands of years ago, and the ones that don’t keep trying to find Tomb Worlds, so they’re the other extreme and they’ll probably end up blowing up the Relay by accident.

      Still, it is completely glazed over, with no one reacting to it one way or another.

      • TacoMagic says:

        True enough. If nothing else, it would be extremely interesting to see the reaction and fallout of the relay discovery. Watch the cultural and theological struggle within the Imperium as they try to decide whether to adhere to the old ways, or to research and develop a xeno technology that completely avoids warp exposure. Really, that could be one of the more interesting things to explore in a 40k/ME cross. Hell, I could even see it resulting in a schism within the imperium.

        However, since it IS interesting, that does explain why we won’t see it in this fic. Such things are best avoided when focusing on Stu-stroking and spoon-feeding the audience basic plot points.

      • erttheking says:

        That’s provided an Inquisitor doesn’t do something radical like try to blow it up or push it into the sun to avoid such a schism…which in of itself would be interesting. On the other hand I see it kind of hard to see there being open discussions about using xeno tech without the usual “HURESY!” bolt shell to the face combo. The Inquisition and more radical Tech Priests only get away with it because they do it in secret. Hell, a lot of human made tech is shunned by all but the tech priests, that’s why it’s called the DARK age of Technology.

        I think the way to go would be a team of radical tech priests and Inquisitors trying to spin a cock and bull story about how the Mass Relay was an ancient human relic/ a gift from the Emperor…maybe having those who say otherwise suffering unfortunate accidents.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Another way to approach it would be the prevalence of Ezeo (which, frankly, should be everywhere in the Imperium since they have so many planets and all).

        Could be a shadow group of Inquisitors/Radical Techs have actually been using it for a while in order to do subtle power grabbing in the background. The relay pops up and then they have to hush it fast before somebody drives the thing into the sun.

        And then, given what we know about the size of the explosion when you do blow a relay up, driving it into the sun could be its own plot device, too.

        Really, a lot of angles that this could be approached with. All of them better than what we’re getting here.

  28. TacoMagic says:

    However, we should prepare for the worst. I want defenses established around the door, now!” Quickly the guardsmen had a sandbag wall prepared as they had two Heavy Bolters placed behind the wall.

    So… um… where did they get those sandbags? Do they just lug around a few thousand pounds of sand with them wherever they go?

    • erttheking says:

      Well they are Imperium, they are that paranoid…hell I’m more concerned about the other things they pull out later on.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Okay, yeah, the sandbags were way less stupid than the Suddenly™ brand Baneblade.

      • erttheking says:

        I know LT. Stu said he’s Creed’s student but…fuck that. #1 Creed couldn’t have possibly have brought him up to his level in the short time they trained (Whatever it was. Seven years I think?) #2 Creed’s abilities are exaggerated by fanon #3 this story isn’t cracky enough to be pull off Creed’s Tacticul Genius crap #4 Even if it was, a properly cracky story would’ve gotten the Baneblade in the enemy general’s bathroom ALL ALONG! After Creed had intentionally clogged the toilet to be a troll.

  29. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: Oh behind her mask. I thought it was in front of her mask because that’s the way that Tali’s face work, sometimes it just teleports around.

    *Dumps coffee out of his keyboard*

    I’m really surprised this thing still works.

  30. TacoMagic says:

    I actually had to research

    *Twitch*

    Oh my, you poor thing. What a brave soul you are.

  31. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: That conversation in a nutshell. “What are they?” “We should send a spectre” “They’re militaristic” “What are they” “We should send a Spectre” “They’re militaristic.” I’m honestly convinced the author was trying to pad out the story.

  32. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Oh shit, WALL OF TEXT INCOMING!

    Yipe!

    *attempts to hide, but is crushed regardless*

    [LE GLORIOUS RESPAWN]

    Ugh. Whose idea was it to assign me a room in the West Wing?

  33. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    However, he was in open cover. Meaning that he was exposed to fire.

    What? What the hell is an open cover? Was he flanked? If he’s flanked, that means he’s out in the open and doesn’t HAVE a freaking cover! God, it’s not rocket science!

  34. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    but the rest of Rangers came out to provide volley fire for their comrade.

    *Headdesk*
    Covering fire, you idiot! It’s covering fire! Volley fire means your soldiers have to line up and that’s clearly not the case here! Read what you fucking write!


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