1149: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Seven, Part OnePosted: August 22, 2015
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by SC, Grey, Cas, Shades, and Sir Paulo Rori
Shades: Why is it that every time I get called into a riff, I always end up dealing with some bloody weird bullshit? Now I’ve got TWIN SONS FROM THE FUTURE?
Cas: If it helps any, mum, we have much the same problem with the bloody weird bullshit thing.
Grey: Also, we’re not twins. Er, well, certainly not identical twins. We… we don’t finish each other’s sentences or anything like that. Or whatever else twins do, I don’t know.
Yeah, “twins” might be a bit of a stretch for these two. I mean, they don’t even wear similar clothing. Pretty much the only things they have in common are the monochromatic color scheme you and Lordic have going, the Britishness, the black hair, the perpetually sarcastic and/or pissed off attitude, and the gun-summoning. Beyond that, I’m amazed they’re even related.
Paulo: Well, though it is not a matter I typically discuss openly, I have a distant cousin who is purportedly my own spitting image.
Why don’t you talk about it?
Paulo: I have yet to meet the man. I may perhaps never do so. I do not wish to spread false tales.
Oh, shit, hi audience! Don’t mind us, we’re just screwing around a bit.
So, hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex and Jigo ran from bandits and had dinner at a campfire. Then Alex went off on his own, and Jigo revealed that he’s the kind of asshole who’ll let you walk headlong into danger without even stopping to warn you about it first. Nice.
We come now to chapter seven, “The Lady in White; Tales of the Wolf Princess pt.1.”
…Part one. You… you had to multi-part your chapters.
Fuck, this is gonna hurt.
Well, whatever. It won’t hurt nearly as bad as when San shows up, and I really don’t want to cover her introduction in this part because I’m SO not prepared to see how badly Stone-Man85 ruined her character, which is why this week’s riff is decidedly shorter than usual for me.
But enough about my woes; we have shit to do!
Shades: We do? Where?
Not Far to the West
Shades: Oooooooooh, you were making a pun! You limey little-
Cas: Mum, please, there are children present.
Shades: You are both in your twenties. Don’t bullshit me with this children nonsense.
Grey: You really thought that would work, didn’t you?
Cas: I was hoping…
Shades: I must have raised you wrong in your future, if you seriously think that I’d be dumb enough to fall for that.
Grey: Contacts did frequently drag you off on his jobs in our future. Kind of took away from your “mum” time.
Shades: Sounds about right. Wait, then who did most of the parenting? Not Lordic?
Cas: No, actually, SC did.
I played the stand-in parent for you two and raised you to be like your mother and father in almost every way in your future. I don’t know if I should be proud of that or disappointed.
Oh, before it slips my mind, Paulo? I made you an updated profile image.
Paulo: There, now that looks more like me.
Now then, ONWARD!
Alex and Isaac were sitting near the roadway; the one in which would help them get West of where they were coming from.
There goes Booky, chucking them bricks again.
Paulo: He seems to have an endless supply of them.
[WHU’ EVAH! I DO WHAT I WANT! -Book Specs]
As they sat, Alex just sighed, looking to Isaac for some unspoken question.
Yeah, what. What the fuck does that even mean?
Paulo: Was he perhaps trying to say that Alex had a question, but could not put it to words?
Your guess is as good as mine. This author’s English comprehension seems to drop every chapter.
Grey: It makes Cas cry.
Cas: I’m not crying, you blackguard! There’s pollen in the air that I’m allergic to or something!
Hey, it’s cool to cry, bro. Nobody’s judging you.
Cas: I said I’m not crying! My eyes just itch!
Paulo: Done of the greatest men I know allow themselves to weep, sir.
Cas: God damn it! I’m not crying, you tits!
Cas: …Don’t you say it, mu-
Cas: Right, that’s it, fuck everybody!
*Cas summons an entire battalion from the Imperium’s fleet and-*
~ONE MASS PLANETARY RESPAWN LATER ~
…Now you just sit there and think about what you did, mister.
*Cas pouts in the corner, wearing a dunce cap*
Shades: On the one hand, he’s a prick for launching an Exterminatus against the entire planet just because we were razzing him. On the other hand, he summoned a battalion of Imperium warships, and I couldn’t be more proud.
Paulo: It was as impressive as it was terrifying.
Grey: We’re going to have to list that under “Last Resort Superpowers” and set some ground rules about ever using it again, I’m thinking. If we and Goldie are all serious about this superhero thing, we need to abide by SOME standards.
Shades: You kids made your own miniature Justice League?
Grey: Well, of a sort. It’s more like a mix between Devil May Cry – the demon-hunting business, I mean – and the Avengers, in a way. Can’t really call it Justice League without the satellite base, you see.
Good point. But didn’t the Avengers have a flying stealth aircraft carrier?
Grey: We have a smaller scale version of it, courtesy of Goldie.
Hmm, fair enough, then.
Shades: So wait, you have a boring office AND a mini stealth carrier? Why bother even using the office, then?
Grey: You try cruising around in a stealth carrier without the government shooting you down over assumed invasion. Besides, that’s what we use when we’re on different worlds or some shit, the office is where we hang out here on Earth.
He’s making some good points, this son of yours.
Shades: I’m so proud, I think I might start crying! And then Cas can razz me back for razzing him!
Paulo: Oh come now, it is a very fair deal.
He’s not wrong, you know.
That is until Isaac encouraged it to be spoken, “If you’ve got a question, it’s probably best to get it off your chest, you know?”
Shades: Doesn’t that count as a-
Grey: Hey Cas, drop an Exterminatus on those guys.
Cas: I’m sorry, didn’t we just classify that as a “last resort only” deal?
Grey: Oh, right. Well, at least snipe them or something.
Cas: Do it yourself, you lazy arse.
*Grey summons a-*
*-Oh; Well, you can probably guess what happened next*
Paulo: Seeing what all you are willing to resort to at the first excuse, I imagine family get-togethers in your future must be frightening.
Cas: We’re required by law to inform the feds before we have dinner so that they can prepare a security perimeter.
Grey: Don’t even get me started on Black Friday…
I’ve seen firsthand what Shades becomes on Black Friday, I think I can guess.
Cas: No, mate, you really can’t.
Shades: I can, though, and it’s horrific.
Grey: That’s a word for it.
After hearing a wise quote come from his furry companion, Alex smirked as he asked, “It’s not gonna get easy for me when we reach Shisha Gami’s forest, is it?”
Shades: Just like it hasn’t been easy for us to read this shite.
Literally the only reason I’m still reading this mess is because I’m riffing it. Otherwise, I’d have quit a long time ago.
Isaac thought about it for a moment, planting a half-smile on his furry face. He then flopped onto his belly and rested his head on his forepaws, answering, “Well… I really don’t think so.”
Make him look as cute as you want, author, I still hate Isaac.
Cas: Grey’s actually allergic to the entire Canis genus, for some reason. Isaac would be deadly for him to even be near.
Grey: Yeah, thanks for that, dad…
*Shades shifts uncomfortably*
Grey: …Don’t tell me I actually got it from you, mum.
Shades: …I was never allowed to have a puppy by my mum and dad, and the one time I tried, I understood why I was barred. The doctors said I looked like an overripe tomato. I… Didn’t realize it was hereditary, though.
Grey: Damn it, mum.
Cas: Glad I didn’t get it.
Grey: No, but he did get his allergy to cats.
Shades: That is Lordic.
Cas: For fuck’s sake, dad!
*Grey grins smugly*
“That’s what I thought,” Alex continued, as he sighed in hopelessness, “Just… why is it, that out of all the centuries in the timeline I could’ve been thrown into, why did it have to be this one?”
Because your author wants you to fuck San.
Paulo: Really, there is no other reasoning required where he is concerned.
he then caught a glimpse at Isaac for a moment; Isaac rasied his ears and jerked his head up at that remark.
After seeing that expression, Alex figured that now it was time to tell Isaac the further truth, “That’s right, I never did tell you.”
He’s told literally everybody else, but somehow Isaac heard none of it. Right. Sure. Whatever.
Paulo: And here I believed that I had trouble paying attention at times.
You have trouble tuning in? Could’ve fooled me.
Paulo: Before I went into knighthood, I was afflicted with a condition that diverted my mind from the task at hand, no matter how important it was. I believe modern medical science in this world names it, “Attention Deficit Disorder?” In any event, basic training taught me how to reign that in. Now I only suffer minor symptoms. Funny what fighting for your life will teach you, eh?
Shades: Damn it, why does the guy from however many centuries ago in a fantasy world have better war stories than I do?
Cas: That’s a self-answering question, mum.
I bet he hasn’t even told you guys about the time he got into a ship battle with pirates, and won in spite of never having been a sailor a day in his life.
Shades: That Syl character might be interested in it if there were skyships involved.
Pretty sure there weren’t any skyships involved. Paulo’s world barely even has a grasp on magic, let alone skyship technology.
Paulo: And besides, if the name “skyship” indicates anything, it is a flying craft. I have no desire to ever know what flying feels like.
Grey: Well, after you’ve accidentally fallen overboard and ground your organs into a fine paste in the dirt a couple times, it’s actually not that bad.
Why does it seem like you know this personally?
Grey: Apparently, I’m a bloody klutz when it comes to walking on an open deck in the air.
Paulo: Thank you for reaffirming that I shall never seek to know what flying is like.
He got up and sat where the fox-squirrel was sitting and leaned against it, “It’s hard to believe, but you’re looking at a real bonafide, American from the 21st century,”
I’m sure this info bomb would have been much more substantial if it was delivered any better than that.
Cas: But Alex has no concept of dramatic timing.
Isaac seemed to stare at him for a moment, as Alex went on, “I guess I can’t blame you if you don’t believe me.”
“Actually, it would explain a few things,” Isaac started as he looked to Alex with his head off his forepaws, “LIke how you’re always going on about missing watching something called DVDs. Going on and on about missing pizza, Chicken Salads, and, what was it… oh yeah… hot dogs? What age do you come from that let’s you eat dogs?”
Is… is the author acknowledging that Alex keeps bringing shit up that nobody could possibly know in Muromachi Japan?
Holy fuck, I didn’t think that was possible.
Shades: Watch as it never happens again.
“Trust me,” Alex defended, “It’s not what you think. It’s actually leftover meat mashed together,” and he scratched his head in thought for a moment, “At least that’s what I think they are.”
Depends on the brand.
Grey: The kosher ones are mystery meat from the front end of whatever animals get put in it.
Cas: We hope, anyways.
Any particular reason you guys eat kosher? I’m not against it, just curious. I mean, you’re not Jewish, either of you.
Cas: It’s only for hot dogs, mate. Throw a honey-baked spiral ham at me and you’ll never see it, or me, again. Whether that be because I ate it and fell asleep or because I got put in the ICU with a blunt force-induced coma and the police took the ham as evidence, I don’t know.
Ah, gotcha. Also, that image is hysterical.
Grey: It’s not nice to mock people’s sufferings, mate.
WAIT THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED?! PFFFFFFFT-!
Paulo: Ah yes, “Foolish Deaths and the People Who Suffered Them.” Although, I suppose in this case, that book would be, “Foolish Hospitalization and the Cas Who Suffered It.”
Cas: Apparently, I got pulled off of life support by the end of it, so it DID kill me.
Oh dude. XD
Cas: By the way, if I hadn’t said it before, I hate Monocle.
Shades: That’s my boy.
Well, now that I know the context, the story is so much worse!
“And there’s something else you mentioned,” Isaac asked, “You were muttering in your sleep; almost to the sound like you were with a woman.”
Shades: Oh you dear summer child, you actually have dreams about having a shot in hell. That’s precious. You’re a sweet little cinnamon dumpling.
Grey: Jaysus, lass.
Shades burns Alex’s house down, ladies and gentlemen.
Alex blushed at this, and went wide eyed with surprise, “Yeah, I figured. Who was this woman you mentioned in your sleep? This, uh… Lara Croft?”
*SC, Grey, Cas and Shades share a glance, then dissolve into hysterical laughter*
Paulo: I need not ask who Lara Croft is; even I know how to use the image search on an internet engine, my thanks and deepest regrets to Sir Specs. This boy is truly hopeless.
So Paulo, what if I told you that some my inspiration for Shades CAME FROM Lara Croft?
Shades: It’s why I go adventuring with Contacts and Specs all the time.
Cas: …So Alex basically has wet dreams about our mum.
Grey: That’s even MORE tragic.
*Shades cackles maniacally*
Alex went wide eyed and blushed profusely as he stammered, “Tha… that’s not nothing to do with our situation!”
Shades: Careful sweetheart, your English is slipping.
he then looked away as he mumbled, “‘sides, it’s just a fan crush I’ve got on her, anyway. She’s not a real person; just a video game character from my favorite games I like to play back home.”
Grey: Who our mum – and I guess by extension us – were somewhat inspired by. Well, good luck with that, mate.
“And that’s another thing; what in Genbu’s shell is a ‘vid-eo gamea’?” Isaac asked, as he stood up, stretching his back out and looking up to his human companion, “Is it some form of gladiatorial entertainment back in your time?”
Short answer: yes, but only if you game online. Single player is more a marathon attempt.
Shades: Or an all-out melee, depending on the game.
Alex shot him a grin as he answered, “If I ever get back home, and you’re along with me for the ride, I might show you.”
Alex can teach you, but he’ll have to charge.
*Paulo spits his tea in horror*
Normally I’d be concerned that you got the reference, but I’m pretty sure you’ve been introduced to YouTube by now.
he then let out a heavy sigh, and began to gather up his supply sack, and put on his cloak once more, “I’ll tell you one thing,” he stated as he slung up the sack, “Ever since I got here, there’s been a many strange things since I got here.
Shades: Is it my turn? Please say it’s my turn.
It’s your turn.
*Shades summons two very big LMGs and dispatches the DRD with maniacal laughter*
Cas: …You haven’t been letting mum shoot things lately, have you?
It’s been a rough few months on that front.
Grey: Mate, that’s not good for her sanity.
Yeah, I noticed.
Every day something new and unexpected happens to me every day.
I’m sorry, was that two consecutive fucking redundancies in the same paragraph? And you DIDN’T NOTICE THIS, author?
Paulo: Some days, I truly wonder if killing DRD agents is necessary. And then they open fire on me indiscriminately when I try and reason with them, and I realize it is. That in mind…
*Paulo draws his swords and walks out into the hall. Amidst the rampant decimation, a decapitated DRD agent head flies into the room*
Hey, don’t muck up the floor, yo!
Paulo: Apologies, that one got away from me.
Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”
Wonder how you could put two obvious redundancies next to each other and not notice? Yeah, for sure.
“What’s gonna happen next?” Alex answered.
Suddenly, thunder began to sound, followed by a huge torrent of rain as it fell hard on them both. Isaac, who was beginning to get soaked, looked to Alex. Alex had a mixture of happy and annoyance on his face at this moment. He looked to Isaac as he mumbled, “Please… just… don’t… say it.”
…Look asshole, if the joke didn’t work the first time, what makes you think we’ll be convinced a second time?
Well, that’s that for this week. I think we all learned something today. No, not about Alex, fuck him – I mean about the happy family in the room.
Paulo: I learned that Grey is a good warden against my odds of learning to fly.
Cas: I learned that, utilized correctly, a spiral ham can be a delicious object of murder.
Shades: I learned that Lordic and I have kids, and those kids get our respective allergies in full force.
And I learned that the Library can respawn an entire planet post-Exterminatus! What does any of this have to do with the riff? Fucking nothing, but it’s still more interesting! With that in mind, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Unfortunately, I can only stave off having to deal with San for so long, and that is sadly what comes next, and it’s going to suck. Immensely. Bring your booze. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Shades, Grey, Cas, and Sir Paulo Rori, I’ll see you next time!
…By the way, you think the Imperium’s gonna be mad that you used some of their fleet without permission?
Cas: I’m… reasonably certain I can maybe talk it out. Possibly.
Grey: I’ll bring my guns.
Shades: Just be sure to praise the Emperor after every other sentence and you might be okay.