1147: Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Rider’s Persona – Chapter Two Part 1Posted: August 20, 2015
Title: Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Persona’s Soul
Author: Nero Angelo Sparda
Media: TV Shows/Video Games
Topic: Kamen Rider Ryuki/Persona
URL: Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Persona’s Soul Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hey everyone! I’m Herr Wozzeck, and welcome back to Kamen Rider Ryuki: A Persona’s Soul.
So who else is looking forward to seeing Kamen Rider Ryuki getting messed up beyond all belief? No one else?
Too bad! ‘Cause we’re going deeper into this thing anyway!
All right, let’s do this!
We pick up with this:
For starters I would just like to tank everyone for reviewing and submitting their oc’s and i hope everyone like’s this chapter.
Oh my God, people actually submitted characters for this crap!?
Good Jesus, just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, people with no taste whatsoever decided to jump in! Well, that’s never a good sign.
Chapter 2: The Second Rider! Knight
Riku woke up to the sound of his phone going off, he had set it the night before and went to bed after he took a shower. He slowly grabbed his phone and shut the alarm off. He then went to the shower and took off all of his clothing and then turned the water on, waiting a few minutes for it to warm up.
*hears the bell go off at school*
Yeah, you might want to put some andale on it there, Riku-Stu. Trust me, you’ll want to run and do things quickly.
He looked at the uniform for a moment and then began to put it on.
What the hell are you trying to accomplish, showering with your school uniform on? That strikes me as being supremely counter-intuitive towards the purpose of a shower, you know!
When he was finished getting changed into his uniform he looked at himself in the mirror and found himself liking the way it looked, but then opened the first button at the top.
And that was when he realized “holy hell, do I look like crap with chest hair”. And thus, our Stu discovered the wonders of manscaping.
Or rather, that’s what it would’ve been, if the narrative didn’t completely drop this and move on to the next thing:
He slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed put on his helmet as he walked through the door and locked it behind him.
He then got on his motorcycle and put on his helmet and started his motorcycle and drove to the school.
And no, patrons, I’m not cutting anything between the last two block quotes. It really is paced like this in-story.
Along the way to school he saw several people wearing the school uniform walking down the street while others rode on their bikes or in cars.
When he saw the school he inwardly let out a groan and parked his bike, he sat on his bike and took a deep breath to calm himself down.
Going to a new school for the first time was always awkward at best no matter where you go and how old you were.
Okay… um… thank you for the observation on life, the universe, and everything?
Seriously, what the hell is this? I know it’s awkward, but that’s not the real point here! The point is, if going to a new school is awkward enough to trigger something that reads more like a fucking anxiety attack, there’s something wrong with you!
Not that we needed any further confirmation of this, after all. You are a clichéd “troubled loner” stereotype.
He then gets off his motorbike and walks into the school. He goes around looking for 2-2, and then—
‘Kinishiro Morooka he can’t be that bad can he?’ Riku thought. When Riku had gotten his schedule from the principal and showed it to Yui the girl immediately told him that she pitted him for having the man dubbed ‘King Moron’ by the students.
—well, for whatever reason, Yui warps into the scene.
Right… Well, at least there’s a Persona character I can recognize. I.E., isn’t Morooka the homeroom teacher of the protagonist’s class for at least part of Persona 4?
This guy better not take over Yu’s role in Persona 4. He’s already stolen the significance of two of the characters, taking the significance of a third one is just going to twist the fucking knife.
He asked her if he wasn’t really that bad and the only response that he got was you’ll find out for yourself tomorrow.
‘Thanks’ a lot Yui,‘ Riku thought sarcastically, wishing that she had told him something about the guy.
Just like how we wish you had showed us what you just summed up instead of telling us about it!
After this, Riku enters the class room, and—
When he entered the room the teacher in the front of the class turned toward Riku and frowned at the sight of him. The man was probably in his late thirties and had black hair in a bob-cut, hazel eyes, and large buck teeth. He wears a dark navy suit with white lines, white collar long-sleeved shirt with a yellow-and-light orange checkered tie.
Fashion Police Needed Count: 8
So you can take your time and describe a wardrobe, but you can’t tell us what some of the characters did. Good to know your priorities are straight!
“Alright take your seats on the double. Now listen up this guy recently moved from our putrid capital to the boonies basically making him an illegal immigrant,” Kinishiro said,
Ert! Ert! We need a Persona 4 analysis on Aisle 4, please!
getting a wierded outlook from Riku when he finished writing his name.
“Dammit, I knew I shouldn’t have made my Outlook username firstname.lastname@example.org! Frick!”
“Go on now introduce yourself.”
“I’m Riku Yamato, as he just said I-”
“Heathen!” he cried out, causing Riku to stop and stare at him. “You were just ogling that innocent young girl by the window weren’t you! You’re name is going down on my rotten shit list!”
First of all, that’s “your”, not “you’re”.
Second of all…
Fuck me, he is going to take Yu’s place in the plot of Persona 4, isn’t he?
‘I’m on his shit list already? Well fuck you to asshole your on mine as well,’ Riku thought to himself angrily and had to resist the urge to spit in his face.
Whoa, nelly. I mean, not that I don’t echo Riku’s sentiment there, but dude, can you cut it out with the awkward prose? It’s kind of—
“I don’t know what filthy institution you come from, but we don’t do that here!” he yelled out.
‘Must resist…must resist…punching him in the face,’ Riku thought, resisting the urge to deck the man in the face, but resisted for two reasons the first being that he didn’t want to get in trouble on the first day, the second being that he would probably break his hand in his attempt because the man’s teeth looked large enough to be a shield.
First of all, thanks for telling us he was resisting the urge to deck King Moron in the face! Because we totally wouldn’t be able to figure that out on our own considering what he thought!
Readers Are Stupid Count: 10
Second of all… was that—
Yep, there’s the good ol’ DRD. Good thing I’ve got more tokusplosions on standby.
*BOOM* *BOOM* *BOOM* *BOOM*
Ah, tokusplosions. Thank you for existing.
Third… Holy shit, man, use a period in there! These run-on sentences are gonna kill someone, you know!
It was a few seconds after that the thought changed from punching him to kicking in between his legs.
Now he knew the reason why he was called King Moron.
Much like we know why the author never continued this after Chapter 4, right?
“Sir there’s an empty seat here can he sit here next to me?” a boy called out causing the two to turn and see a boy raising his hand in the air, motioning to the seat across from him. The boy wore the standard uniform and wore a white v-neck shirt along with a pair of red and black headphones and had unkempt fawn colored hair.
Fawn-colored air, huh…? Hm…
*goes to Uncle Google*
Yep, I think Riku-Stu is replacing the player character from Persona 4, too.
Why don’t you just replace the protagonist from Bloodborne while you’re at it, too? That way, I can force Ert to sit through this so I have someone to suffer with me!
Anyway, King Moron tells Yosuke to sit down, and then Riku and Yosuke exchange a couple lines of dialogue. King Moron yells at them to shut up, and then we get a thought where Riku’s like “well, great, I got the teacher to hate me”. We then get a random tangent about how he hates King Moron (not that it’s unjustified, but you’ve already cemented that, dude), and that he hopes a Mirror World monster would never attack during school hours because he could get in trouble with King Moron (which is more than fair, really).
He was brought out of his musings when the bell rang, causing King Moron to stop talking for a moment.
“That’s it for today, come back tomorrow and we’ll be back to our usual routine so be prepare!” King Moron said, sounding as if someone just had the balls to punch him.
Oh! Oh! Can I volunteer? Someone needs to punch him in the balls for the tense shift in the middle of the sentence!
‘I hate him. I can say that so easily, I hate this guy. He’s the first man that I’ve actually met that made me want to hit him the mere moment he opens his mouth,’ Riku thought. While he honestly usually think that bad about people he couldn’t help it with King Moron. Apparently King Moron had a talent that involved making people hate him.
I’m sorry, are you telling me Riku-Stu hates King Moron? Please do say it again, I don’t think I quite got that Riku-Stu hates King Moron’s guts from the first five times you said that.
Readers Are Stupid Count: 11
It may not be explicitly spelling out an emotion, but fuck it, I’m counting it.
Anyway, we then get a blurb about Ms. Yamano staying at the Amagi Inn, and then Yosuke comes over and—
“Hey new guy!” someone called out, no doubt to him since he is technically the ‘new guy’.
Readers Are Stupid Count: 12
Aren’t you just glad that Nero Angelo Sparda has such steadfast faith in our ability to retain information? It’s almost like he thinks we’re fucking morons!
Anyway, Yosuke introduces himself, and Riku shakes his hand.
“Nice to meet you,” Riku replied shaking his hand. “So if you don’t mind me asking why are you talking to me?”
“Well someone doesn’t like talking much.
Don’t mind him, Yosuke; Riku-Stu just remembered he’s supposed to be doing the troubled loner routine. Which, now that you mention it, he did get buddy-buddy with Yui a bit fast for being a troubled loner, didn’t he? I mean, granted, Yui can see into the Mirror World so I can see why Riku would allow Yui to get closer than most, but now he’s hanging around you? Yeah…
The reason I’m talking to you is because I know how awkward it can be being the new kid and all since my family moved here a couple months ago.”
Riku stared at him for a few moments, but the smile a little and said. “Thanks.”
And then Riku-Stu was just like “run for the hills!”, and then fought a monster. Why the hell a smiling monster would show up in the Ryuki universe and why it wasn’t in a mirror is beyond me, but fuck it, that isn’t important.
“Hey Yosuke!” A girl called out causing the two to turn and see two girls walking toward them. She wore a light green, high collared athletic light green jacket with several buttons over the school uniform’s skirt and had short bowl shaped brown hair and hazel eyes.
The girl next to her had long straight black hair and grey eyes. Like the brown haired girl she wore the high school’s girl uniform, with the added addition of a red sweater, headband, and black pantyhose. The girl next to her could’ve been her opposite, while the brown haired girl gave him the feeling that she was a tomboy the black haired one seemed to be more calm and more shy of the two.
*hits buzzer twice*
Fashion Police Needed Count: 10
Jesus Christ, how much costume porn is in this thing? And again, it’s even more impressive considering this is daybook costume porn.
Seriously: I never thought I would see the day where daybook costume porn graced the Library, but holy shit it happened!
“You’re the new guy, I’m Chie Satonaka,” the brown haired girl said.
“I’m Yukiko Amagi,” the black haired girl said.
“Nice to meet you two,” Riku said.
Chie and Yukiko…
*watches a brief YouTube Let’s Play*
Oh. Well, that would explain why their introduction is so damn lifeless.
For those of you not in the know: from what I can gather, Chie and Yukiko were actually introduced first. Ert, correct me if I’m wrong on that, but I’m sure Chie and Yukiko had quite a bit more character in their introduction ‘cause of that.
“Hey Chie did you bring it?” Yosuke asked, Chie to stiffen for a moment and then sigh as she opened her bag and pulled out a DVD. Yosuke tried taking it out of her hand, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Break my Trial of the Dragon Yosuke and you will regret that I ever lent you it,” Chie threatened, glaring at him for incentive.
Ah, and that would be another thing that would do it. IIRC, in the game Yosuke already had his hands on it, and had already broken it when Chie asked for it back.
Well, that’s just great news, isn’t it? He’s already completely fucked Kamen Rider Ryuki over, and now he’s doing the same thing to Persona 4. Taking what was a pretty nifty character introduction and managing to suck the life out of it?
This continues to not bode well.
Note to self don’t get on her bad side,’ Riku thought, watching the guy sweat under her gaze, not wanting to be on the receiving end of her anger.
Because obviously we can’t figure out that he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of her wrath from the content of his thoughts!
Readers Are Stupid Count: 13
“You know I got the feeling that when we got here you would be threatening Yosuke with death or something,” a person said catching their attention.
How the hell does a person catch their own attention by something they say? That’s… um… No.
Yosuke used the opportunity to get the DVD out of her hand and put it in his bag.
“Yuki, Hazama!” Chie said, causing the others to turn and see a boy and a girl walking toward them.
Okay, I definitely don’t remember this from the first few minutes of Persona 4.
Uncle Google, I may need your help!
They both had slightly tanned skin and were about the same height, with the girl being slimmer and the boy being slightly more muscular figure.
So the boy was scheduled to be an anatomy class model. Well, that’s an… interesting use of your special talent, I must say.
They both had aquamarine eyes and had brown hair, the girl’s hair went down to her shoulder, while the boy’s hair was messy and was shorter. They both wore the school uniform, but the girl also wore a grey vest.
Holy shit, two characters who don’t get the costume porn? Shit, they must not be all that important. Hm…
*goes to Uncle Google*
Wait, what? But Yukiko is already in the scene! Yuki is an entirely separate character, isn’t she?
Oh, fuck me!
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve seen our first reader-created character:
And there’s the rest of Ren Akiyama’s character, and to boot it’s been folded into Kitaoka’s story too. And then it’s like “oh, by the way, she’s doing it to cure her brother”. This is a borderline wish, so I’ll accept it under the Kyubey Clause of contract making.
But I’ll cut Nero some slack for this, though: with user-submitted characters, you’re bound to get shit like this, as our foray with our first “user submissions” fic can tell you. And trust me, wait until you see the shit some of the other users submitted.
But that said, Nero, remember: you are the one who walked into this. Just telling you that now.
(Also, yes: Kamen Rider Femme is a part of the proper Ryuki-verse. Only problem is, she only appears in the Ryuki movies, so she has no place in the series. I’ll cut Nero some slack for that, though: truth be told, Kamen Rider in general does become a bit of a sausage fest, and that’s before we get into the one weak spot with one of the female characters in Ryuki… *tooth grind*)
Anyway, after this, Riku-Stu is introduced to these two characters. It’s about as dry as you’d expect, so I’m skipping it. At that point, Yuki asks why Chie was threatening Yosuke, and Chie says:
“He has my trial of the dragon that I’m lending him and I threatened him if something were to happen to it,” Chie said, explaining why she did.
Because obviously we can’t pick up that she was explaining it from the context that she said it in.
Readers Are Stupid Count: 14
“…You had all rights to threaten him,” she replied, letting out a laugh and Chie joining her.
*rereads the personality blurb in the review*
Friendly? So the lady who just laughed at Yosuke’s misery is supposed to be “friendly”?
Good job, Nero: you haven’t even left one scene with someone else’s character and you’re already fucking up her characterization. Not that I expect good characterization from the guy who completely fucked Shirou Kanzaki’s character (nor do I expect it from someone who consistently forgets he set up his own main character to be a “troubled loner”), but some semblance of what your reader wrote down would be nice!
Yosuke gulped as the two laughed. He had made both Yuki and Chie angry at him one time and was still scared to death about it.
Just like how I’m annoyed to death at the fact that this guy thought he could make this fic work. Right? This is just a whole sandwich of fail!
Riku smirked at the scene
*hides under the desk*
Ninjas! Get the bolt tape, pronto! We have a level five alert here!
and saw Yui walk through the doorway wearing the high school uniform with a bag slung over her shoulder. When she saw the group she walked over at the two and noticed the displeased look that Riku sent her way.
Hm… Well, Yui is still in high school. On the one hand, there was that plot point revolving around her 19th birthday so she could still be in high school… or she could not be in there…
Eh, I’ll let Nero have that one. And only that one, so far!
“Good afternoon Riku, how was King Moron?” Yui asked, smirking.
Ack! Now she’s doing it too!
Ninjas, bump it up to alert level six!
“Yui you could’ve given me some warning about King Moron and what he’s like,” Riku deadpanned, giving her the answer to her question and causing her to smile.
“I did tell you what we called him, how many teachers earn that kind of nickname, it should’ve at the least given you a idea of what he was like,” Yui replied.
“It did,” Riku answered, causing her to smirk and the others to laugh.
Bump it up to alert level seven!
Also, we can now confirm that Yui has also been pulled completely out of character, because she was never a smart-ass at any point in the series. And here, she’s smirked twice in the same fucking scene! So literally, the entire Kanzaki clan is now out of character.
Good job, Nero; you’ve done a bad.
“Yui, how did you meet Riku?” Yukiko questioned, wondering how the two met.
Because we totally can’t tell that she was wondering how they met from the fact that she asked that question in the first place!
Readers Are Stupid Count: 15
“I was walking around town when I met Riku he just moved into town so I agreed to help him settle in,” Yui answered, leaving out the Mirror World and the Kamen Riders.
Yes, because we all can’t tell the information Yui omitted from her explanation. Nope, no way we could figure that shit out!
Readers Are Stupid Count: 16
“I better get going I have to help my parent’s at the inn,” Yukiko said.
“Yeah and I have to get back to my grandmothers to help her out at the café,” Yui said, agreeing with Yukiko.
Wait, Yui’s other grandmother is there helping out at Sanako’s café? Dude, where the hell was that woman in the series?
Oh, right. Not present. Because, you know, don’t want the series to get too overcrowded with characters. Seriously, it already has loads and loads of characters as is, why do you feel the need to add more?
“Yui want a lift back to your place?” Riku asked. Yui accepted the offer and the group
“Dude you own a motorcycle!” Yosuke exclaimed.
Nero, I think you left out
He had thought about getting a motorcycle himself, but his parents didn’t like the idea so it was immediately shot down.
And the point of this narrative aside was…?
“Yeah had to save a lot of money to get it, and keep my grade
“I didn’t have to keep the rest of the sentence, though. So I let it go, where it is now prancing about with prairie dogs in the old west.”
“Can I borrow it sometime?” he asked, hoping that he would say yes.
“Not a chance in hell,” Riku replied quickly, sitting on the seat and putting on his helmet. Yui sat behind him and wrapped her arms around him.
Smart move, Riku. I don’t think you’d want your property to get broken by anyone, you know?
“See you guys tomorrow,” Riku said, doing a mock salute with one hand before turning the handle, turning the accelerator, driving to Yui’s.
And he did that without any actual movement from the wheels. That is quite the unexpected Stu power, I must admit.
Anyway, I think that’ll just about do it for this installment of this riff. I’ve got more chapter to get through, so I’ll see you guys next time, for more The Great Rift.