1145: Hammer Effect – Chapter OnePosted: August 18, 2015
Nora: Oh God, more Warhammer? Please tell me it’s not something EP wrote.
Ert: Don’t worry, it’s problem lies more in lore defilement than…anything EP did. It’s a falling action compared to that.
Goeth: All righty then, what do we got here?
Ert: A crossover with Mass Effect, because crossovers are minefields for bad fan fiction writing sadly. And this one is no exception.
Author’s Note: I made drastic changes to the story, so expect a character to be switched out and I’ll start with the background of General Siegfried in this chapter.
Ert: Yes, yes, yes, because no one has ever used Siegfried as a badass sounding name before.
Disclaimer: I do not own Warhammer and Mass Effect.
He felt the shaking of shells come at his men,
Nora: So what’s a shaking of shells and what does it want with your men?
his general had been killed when a heretical valkyrie had gunned down his Chimera. He struck the banner of Krieg into the ground,
Ert:…Krieg? Oh dear. In the Imperium of man, while the Space Marines are its most famous fighters, the Imperium actually has more planets than it does Space Marines (Originally. With how grim dark things have gotten that might not be true anymore). The majority of the fighting falls to the PDFs and Imperial Guard, ordinary men and women with flak jackets and lasguns which, while effective, look under powered compare to the shit most other species field. The thing that makes them interesting (Besides the whole ordinary men and women standing up to the horrors of the galaxy and beating it down thing) is that Imperial Guard regiments are formed on separate planets and tend to have their own theme.
Nora: The planet Krieg’s Imperial Guard regiments are the Death Korps. A long time ago, the planet of Krieg rebelled and a handful of loyalists used nuclear weapons to keep the planet in control of the Emperor, no matter the cost. After five hundred years of non-stop fighting, the rebels were defeated and the majority of the planet’s populace had to move beneath the surface. They then started forming Imperial Guard units to support the Imperium.
Goeth: The Death Korps are FUN! See, they still feel guilty about the rebellion and think that they have to atone, and the only way they know how to do that is die in battle. The Death Korps never route, never get intimidated and will fight to the last man. They are actively trying to die on the battlefield, and attack the enemy with such force and vigor that they are well known for being able to end year long stalemates, not letting petty little things like “Massive causalities” get in the way. Fun fact, commissars are units well known for shooting cowards to deter soldiers from deserting. Commissars shoot Death Korpsmen to keep them from suicide charging the enemy.
Ert: I’m not sure how this guy will handle them, but let’s read on.
behind the frontline trenches preparing for an attack. Guardsmen and grenadiers began to take their places in the trenches while a commissar stood behind them with his laspistol out.
Ert: Laspistol? A commissar with a laspistol? I know Cain did it, but I thought he was an exception, most commissars prefer bolt pistols.
He looked to the horizon and saw figures wearing banners of skulls, the traitor marines and their cultist meatbags. They outnumbered him and his troopers, but they were the Death Korps. To retreat was cowardice, to allow the enemy to gain ground was shameful, but to let the enemy win was heretical.
Nora: To be fair, that is how the Death Korps think. In Only War, they actually have to make a willpower check to abandon the battlefield, other wise they’ll keep fighting to the death. So at least the author isn’t fucking up their character. Yet.
Demons and the traitor marines charged forth only to face the rounds of the heavy bolters followed by the volleys of lasguns. Then he looked up to see a heretical war titan step forward while it’s weapons were powering up to fire.
Goeth: TITAN! Those war machines the size of skyscrapers and armed head to toe with weapons of all kinds? GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!
Ert: This is actually what made me realize something. Where are we? Why is the Imperium fighting Chaos forces that are strong enough to have a Titan? Why does the Imperium not have anything that’s a Titan killer? In fact, what planet are we on? Who started this fight? I confuse.
He knew he was going to die if he held his ground, but that was an honor as a officer of the Death Korps. When the forces of Chaos were in range of his laspistol
Nora: Everyone else has been shooting like crazy, how come you have to wait?
he raised it and pulled the trigger into the ocean of hell. Even though he was outnumbered, outgunned, and outmanned, he refused to believe that he was going to turn away from the numerous amounts of chaos cultists coming his way. Then the cultists were close enough to return fire back at the defenders. Soon the Death Korps and the forces of Chaos began to clash into one another, each not backing down from the fight.
Goeth: Little more detail please. Are the Death Korps going into melee with cultists or Chaos Space Marines? And are they using proper melee weapons like Chainswords, desperate ones like bayonets, or improvised ones like shovels? All are possible with the Korps, you need to specify.
Ert: Yes, I can actually see a Korpsman trying to kill a Chaos Space Marine with a shovel if there was nothing else to work with.
A greater daemon had stood out from the crowd, it’s hand was holding a corpse of grenadier who had died from blood loss. The Lieutenant of the Death Korps saw a commissar fall and he ran to take his sword to charge into the daemon.
Ert: Wait, is this the same commissar that was using the las pistol earlier? You gotta be more specific. And what happened to the commissar? From the description it sounded like he tripped.
The Daemon took notice of him and was chuckling at his charge. The daemon raised his sword while the lieutenant charged him. As the gap closed between the two he spoke these very words, “Terranis holds.” The daemon swung his sword, but the grenadier dodged the attack to swing his power sword into the daemon’s free hand and then his legs. With those strikes, the daemon fell to his knees as his face confronted the lieutenant.
Nora: Ok, I’d like to know what the hell this guy is hitting a Greater Daemon with, because it could be a power sword, chainsword or just a regular sword. What’s more, Greater Daemons have been known to rip Space Marines in half. Even if the guy was using a power-sword, basically a lightsaber, he’d need to get a at least a dozen hits on the thing’s face in to kill it.
He attempted to attack the officer with his mouth, but the lieutenant dodged the attacked to get himself on the daemon’s neck.
Nora: And I’d appreciate more detail into how this Korpsman isn’t being turned into a smear on the ground besides “He dodged”. And how since when has this character been a LT?
As the daemon attempted to get the lieutenant off, the officer began to inflict multiple strikes onto the daemon and he finished it by digging the sword into the head of the beast. He pulled out the sword and walked off the daemon to see his surroundings. The cultists saw the defeat of the daemon and began to turn away as the traitor marines fought.
Ert:…Regular human kills a greater Daemon…no. No. Fuck you. No. Even though there’s material out there to suggest a Korpsman is more augmented than the average soldier…no. It would’ve been near impossible for a Space Marine to take on a greater Daemon in combat. I love the Death Korps, but that was a major Gary Stu moment. If he was blasting it from a distance with an anti-tank gun and got multiple headshots in, then MAYBE! MAYBE that would be enough.
Soon the heretical war titan began to power itself to fire as the lieutenant looked to see the traitor marines run out of the killzone until a blast came out of nowhere. The Kriegsman turned to see the source of it’s firepower and saw an Eldar Titan.
Nora: Ok, that’s the second Titan that’s popped out of the empty void that this story takes place it. You can’t exactly sneak up on people with Titans, they’re not exactly stealth material. And what the fuck are the Eldar doing risking one of their Titans to save humans? As Fraug said last week, they’d blow up an entire planet of humans just to save a few of their own. The fact they’re playing hero here is screaming either OOC or “We saw that Lieutenant Stu down there was destined for greatness” I’m not sure which would be worse.
The Chaos titan was attempting to return fire, but the swift guns of the Eldar titan destroyed the great machine that was under the influence of Chaos. Knowing that there was an Eldar titan, he knew that the Eldar would also send an advance team in the process.
Goeth: I highly doubt he would know that. Korpsmen are sent in to break statements and specialize in trench warfare, and the Eldar hate losing men too much to get bogged down in either. So I doubt Korpsmen would be well versed in Eldar tactics.
He looked around to see if there were any survivors, but instead he realized that he was the only one standing.
Ert: *Sigh* Do I have to start a counter for Lieutenant Stu? And here’s a question. The Titan never fired its guns and there was an entire army of Chaos soldiers, including Chaos Space Marines. Why the hell was the Titan so slow in getting to the front lines that by the time it got there, ONE enemy soldier was left? And why the fuck are you using a Titan to kill ONE soldier? I know Chaos is batshit insane, but come on! A single shot from any weapon that the Chaos Space Marines are carrying would’ve done the job on him, flak armor doesn’t really stand up to bolters!
Before he could leave, he was confronted by twelve opportunistic cultists armed with autoguns.
Nora: Yeah, see EP? These are cultists, crazy sons of bitches who don’t have a steady infrastructure supplying them with weapons or a highly ranked leader who should make sure they’re armed properly. THESE are the kind of people who would use autoguns.
Ert: Everyone in this story must be completely unaware of their surroundings. Suddenly a war machine the size of a skyscraper! Suddenly ANOTHER warmth the size of a skyscraper! Suddenly twelve soldiers out of nowhere! The void just keeps spitting things out without rhyme or reason. Well, counter time.
(Suddenly Counter: 3)
After seeing this threat, he immediately grabbed a lasgun off the ground before running into a nearby trench. He fired back, but was suppressed by multiple directions.
Goeth: Sarge come in! Those directions have me pinned!
He looked over to see them move up cautiously before he saw one of them nod to one another. A grenade was pulled out and the cultist pulled the pin before attempting to throw it at his trench.
Nora: Ok, so the cultists that are supposed to be half insane are being more tactical than anyone in Trapped. Weep for the world.
Suddenly, a round out of nowhere went straight through his skull as the grenade exploded in his hand while those around him were harmed or killed by the shrapnel.
Ert: Of course they were.
(Suddenly Counter: 4)
The cultists looked around to see where their enemy was coming from until he saw Eldar Guardians and Warlocks come swiftly and eliminate the cultists. The heretics screamed while the Kriegsman observed the Eldar. He noticed the symbol of Ulthwe printed on their armor
Nora: Oh you do NOT know the symbols of the Eldar. Ok, Gary Stu time for Lieutenant Stu here. One for killing a Greater Daemon, one for being the sole survivor of a battle that should’ve killed him, and one for having knowledge he should not have.
(Gary Stu Counter: 3)
before he saw some kind of seer council and a xeno witch enter the area. They observed their surroundings before the xeno witch had turned her head to see the Lieutenant. The way she looked at him, made him feel like she was looking deep into his soul. The witch pointed at him before the Lieutenant started to run, not in fear, but for safety. He knew that to stay was to die.
Ert: To stay was to die…HELLO!? DEATH KORPS OF KRIEG! You WANT to fucking die! I mean Jesus Christ, isn’t that why you face tanked a Greater Daemon? In fact, what did you say earlier?
they were the Death Korps. To retreat was cowardice, to allow the enemy to gain ground was shameful, but to let the enemy win was heretical.
Ert: And yet here you are running away? Ugh. Didn’t take you long to fuck up the Korps did it author?
When he ran out of his trench he was confronted by four howling banshees who made him stop in his tracks. He looked around to see the Eldar surround him before the witch confronted him. “Why are you here?” She asked. He did not reply. She repeated the question, but with a more forceful voice. The lieutenant answered her with silence.
Goeth: He then charged, stabbing one of the Eldar in the throat with his bayonet, firing a shot at point blank range as he did. He pulled out and the alien crumpled to the ground, but even as he turned, the remaining three warriors descended upon him. Their swords ripped through his armor and into the very core of his body. He died within seconds, but he was content that he had died as he was meant to. On the battlefield, fighting the enemies of man. And he had dragged one of them down to Hell with him.
Nora: That’d be in character for the Death Korps. We can’t have that.
Then a warlock came up to her.
“Farseer, do not waste your time on this mon-keigh.”
“Human, why are you here? What happened?” Then the Lieutenant looked up to see her warmask before answering.
Goeth: *Looks around* You know, for a Farseer and someone with what I assume are a pair of eyes, you’d think that she’d be able to put two and two together and figure out that Chaos and the Imperium were butting heads. They kind of have a history of doing that.
“I survived…” He said in a monotone voice. The Eldar looked around to see the bodies of his men and decided to sigh.
“It seems that you are useful after all.” She turned towards the seer council. “We must leave, our duty is done and the threat is no longer here.”
Ert: What threat? What threat did this Chaos war band pose to the Eldar? And where ARE we?
“What about the human?” Asked one of the Warlocks. She turned to meet the Kriegsman’s eye sockets.
“Human, the Imperial lines are in that direction.” She said pointing in a certain direction.
Goeth: The direction with all the Imperium bodies.
Nora: Because an Imperium soldier wouldn’t know where his own army was.
“Why didn’t you kill me?” He asked in a monotone voice.
“It seems that the future has a proposition with you.”
Nora: Of course, Lieutenant Stu has been ordained by fate to be speshul.
(Gary Stu Counter: 4)
She said before she left along with her kin. When they disappeared he turned towards the Imperial lines and began to march on foot while he thought about the words of the xeno witch.
Ert: So, just to summarize, random Chaos and Imperium armies fight, somehow Lieutenant Stu survives while in the thick of the enemy forces while everyone else in trenches didn’t, Titans warped in out of nowhere, Eldar showed up for a fight they had no investment in, and overall this conflict had no meaning whatsoever.
Three Months Later
The Lieutenant stepped off a ship that arrived at the space port and began to look around the planet that he and the rest of the Krieg regiments called home. He didn’t know what to do since he didn’t receive any orders other than return to Krieg.
Nora: Then maybe you should go to the local commander and ask for further orders. Just an idea.
However, what caught his attention was a short man with a high-collared greatcoat holding a cigar. He was an old man, but the Kriegsman could see that his features showed the signs of experience. He walked up towards the Kriegsman as he released smoke from his mouth. “I have a proposition for you.”
Ert: Ok, who’s this guy?
Sol System, Seven Years after the Thirteenth Crusade
Ert: WHAT!? We’re just gonna jump to seven years after the thirteenth crusade? When is this in relationship to when we already where? And what thirteenth crusade? The thirteenth Black Crusade? Because a lot of crusades happen in the Imperium, you have to clarify when you’re making stupid time jumps.
Goeth: I swear, we get more temporal distortions every day,
A fleet was making it’s usual patrols in the Sol System. It was one of the few fleets of Holy Terra that kept their guard up ever since the plague marines attacked Pluto. The only attack into the Sol System that was made by the forces of chaos ever since the Horus Heresy.
Nora: Not sure what’s relevant about that battle. I mean, is there any reason that ships guarding the most holy place in the Imperium would let their guard down?
It was a normal patrol for the fleet, but a magos at his station took notice of the strange energy signatures that he had never seen before. With all his knowledge that he learned as a techpriest, this was new to him. He informed a naval officer who quickly came to his captain. “Sir, one of the techpriests have discovered energy signatures in the soul system.”
Ert: So we go to a tech priest on ship random at place random who talks to officer random who reports to Captain random. This story cannot sit still for three seconds, nor can it be assed to establish anything. We have heard zero names so far.
“Where is the energy coming from?” Asked the captain.
“Sir, he said that it came from Pluto. Should we send a team to see confirm his reports?” For the first time, the captain did not know what to even do. He didn’t have the answer to the officer’s question. Then the sounds of doors unlocking had grabbed his attention and the captain saw someone who he did not expect. An inquisitor.
Nora: Ok, so when did this Inquisitor get on board, what Ordo do they belong do, what role are they playing here and-
Ert: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! So is this a certain amount of time before or after the scene we just cut away form? Remember that scene had a time stamp and this one didn’t. WHEN ARE WE!?
Goeth: The time distortions are getting worse.
General Siegfried stood up on a stage to see new replacements come in and take their places.
Nora: Who the hell is this guy? The guy with the cigar we saw last chapter or someone else? Hell if I know.
He watched carefully and inspected each and every one of the guardsmen from his position. In the front ranks there was the grenadiers with their death skulls, behind him was the regular guardsmen while the specialists were on the right of the general’s view.
Ert: The fuck is a death skull? And where are we, what is going on-oh fuck it.
On the other side, there was his Terranis Rangers who wore a green, black, and brown camouflage colors on their uniforms and carapace armor. They still kept their masks on, but it was covered with the camouflage. Then commissars came to inspect the guardsmen, they stood from the troops and kept their eyes on their ranks. A colonel came up to him and grabbed the general’s attention. “Sir, you are requested at the harbor. Along with your troops.”’
Goeth: Hey, give me back my attention Colonel! I need it to figure out where this formless void is!
“Who requested my presence?”
“Inqusitor Adrastia of the Ordos Malleus.”
Nora: So was that the Inquisitor we got last scene or is it a different one? This chapter is so fucking confusing I can’t tell.
“Do you know why she is demanding my presence?”
“Yes, she informed me to tell you that you are in the service of the Inquisition.”
Ert: Helpful Colonel. Now get out of my sight.
With those last words stated from the colonel, he thought to himself. ‘Great’
“Understood, organize the men to gear up for their tour.” The colonel nodded and began to order the officers to relay the orders for deployment.
Goeth: Whatever orders those might have to be. They’re probably supposed to meet up with the 5th royal pogo stick brigade.
When the general came to the spaceport to see his forces march onto the ramp, he took a glimpse of a Baneblade that was driving forwards while a company of Grenadiers followed.
Nora: Wait, a ramp to what? Are the soldiers going onto a ship or are they just walking out into space?
Then he walked into the ship and asked a sailor where she was.
Ert: You think the Colonel would’ve told him.
The sailor lead the general towards his destination in the ship and when he finally reached it. He found the menacing dark colors of the Inquisitor’s clothing.
“Hello, General Siegfried.” A female voice had spoken and she turned around to see the general behind her.
Nora: Well at least this one doesn’t have huge tits and we know what her Ordo is. The Daemon hunters.
She had the symbol of the Inquisition hanging below her legs while she had sword in one side of her hips with an inferno pistol on the other side. “You must be the Oddball of Krieg.”
“Is that what they call me?” He said before folding his arms.
“Well that seems to be your official designation from Segmentum Command ever since your fiasco in the Kaurava System. Other than that, you don’t act like most Krieg generals.”
Goeth: So what’s this incident in this Kaurava system?
Ert: I don’t know, the only incident we saw was with Lieutenant Stu, and he…oh fuck me. Siegfried IS Lieutenant Stu.
Ert: There really was a temporal shift! He went all the way up to General after that mess. And I’m only guessing because I looked ahead and there was no mention of a Lieutenant Stu and only Siegfried. And at the start of the chapter it said “I’ll start out with the background of General Siegfried”. Author, when you’re writing the backstory of a character, it helps if we know WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE! Oh, and for Lieutenant Stu (I’m gonna keep calling him that because fuck him) becoming a General in god knows how many years, a ding on the counter…wait seven years after the 13th…WAS THAT BATTLE AT THE START SUPPOSED TO BE THE 13TH BLACK CRUSADE!? TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!
(Gary Stu Counter: 5)
“I act like a Kriegsman, but with a more ‘positive’ attitude.”
Goeth: You ain’t a Kriegsman then. Your allies would’ve shot you dead for cowardice. Not that the story feels the need to say what this positive attitude is, or why he’s called the Oddball of Krieg. Because this story can’t establish anything.
“Wouldn’t your peers hate you for not being shameful about your ancestor’s actions.”
Nora: Yes they would and they would kill him.
“They do hate me, no doubt. However, they just think too much on the past. I just make sure I don’t make those mistakes.”
Ert:….How have you not had your throat slit while you were asleep? Ok, this man is not of the Death Korps of Krieg. I declare it now. He is officially an imposter. And if a Korpsman really did not want to focus on the sins of his ancestors and wanted to live, he’d keep his fucking mouth shut about it (Which would actually be an interesting character) but no, this one has to run around and spot off how he’s better than the rest of the Korps. AND SOMEHOW HE GOT PROMOTED TO GENERAL!
(Gary Stu Counter: 6)
“Yet you did, you stated to the Ecclesiarchy that the God-Emperor is not immortal.”
Ert: OH COME ON! Is this prick trying to get himself killed!?
(Gary Stu Counter: 7)
Nora: Yeah, not only is he not acting like a Korpsman, he isn’t acting like someone who lives in the Imperium. It is INSANELY fundamentalist. People have been murdered over less when it comes to not worshiping the Emperor properly.
“That was a mistake?
Goeth: One that would realistically get you set on fire.
I was told from Bjorn the Fell Handed, that he knew the man in person and stated that the Emperor was just a powerful psyker.”
Goeth: No. No.
Nora: Bjorn the Fell Handed is a ten thousand year old Space Marine that fought alongside the Emperor. I refuse to believe that he had anything to do with Lieutenant Stu here.
(Gary Stu Counter: 8)
Nora: And if Bjorn really was spreading the word about the Emperor, you’d think he’d tell it to someone more important. Like the Twelve Lords of Terra
“Bjorn the fell handed? You trust his words to be true.”
“Yes! Is it wrong not to trust someone who lived in the time of the Emperor.”
“That is speculation. We do not know if he is right.”
Ert: Yeah, it’s religious fundamentalism at work right here. Thing is, it should’ve come into play when Bjorn told Lieutenant Stu, but of course, Lieutenant Stu is too speshul to act like everyone else.
“We should speak about that subject another time since we have important matters at hand. Such as why I am here standing on your ship?”
Nora: I can already see the Inquisitor reviewing the Nine Actions (IE: Inquisitor torture methods) in her head.
“Yes, the Adeptus Mechanicus has gained my attention of energy signatures in the planet Pluto. They say that they would like to gain a closer look at the xenotech that is on that world. However, they require someone to have a full force at the ready if the situation goes wrong.”
“I guess that full force would have to be me and my men.”
Ert: Because for some reason you couldn’t get any men from Sol, you know, THE MOST HEAVILY FORTIFIED AND MILITARIZED STAR SYSTEM IN THE ENTIRE IMPERIUM OF MAN!?
Goeth: Mars alone would have massive armies, answering to the Mechanicus directly. They wouldn’t need to ask for help, let alone go all the way to Krieg to do it. And why do they even need soldiers to investigate something deep in home territory?
Ert: Lieutenant Stu is just that special.
(Gary Stu Counter: 9)
Ert: Also they wouldn’t have gone to the Daemon hunters if they did to to the Inquisition. They would have gone to Ordo Xenos, dealing with xeno technology is their field of expertise.
“You are correct, I choose you out of all the generals that Segmentum Command has recommended for this mission and you were not on their list.” General Siegfried chuckled.
Nora: We probably already dinged him for that, but that comment just rubs it in our faces so much that we’re gonna ding him again.
(Gary Stu Counter: 10)
Goeth: the Segemtum Command and their LOGIC. Who needs it.
“I suppose this is my lucky day.”
“Out of curiosity, why would you say that?”
“I’ve been stuck on my deathworld home for quite some time and my regiment has been reinforced for the past few months. All I need is a mission and I am a happy man.”
Ert: Ok, either he’s happy to get into a fight or he doesn’t feel the need to atone for his ancestors, therefore he wouldn’t feel the need to recklessly fight like all Korpsmen do. Pick one.
“You are strange, do you know that?”
“I’ll take that as a complement. It would seem that this ship is capable of holding all of my ‘assets’.”
“What kind of assets would that be?”
“Vehicles and artillery.”
“Are such assets necessary?”
“Yes, you never know if a situation goes wrong.” A sailor entered the room to notify the general.
Nora: Assets that the Mechanicus in Sol really should already have, but whatever.
“Sir, all of your ground forces have boarded our ship.” The general turned his attention towards the inquisitor as the sailor left.
“When do we leave?”
Pluto, Sol System
Ert: I know it’s rather repetitive, but it really gets rather disorienting how much of a broken, disjointed mess this story is.
The ship came out of warp travel and began to orbit around the planet along with the fleet that reported the energy as the techpriests began to scan the xeno energies for any changes since they left. “So this is Pluto.” Commented General Siegfried. “Shouldn’t we warn the High Lords of Terra about this situation?”
“No, that would raise questions and cause panic on Holy Terra.”
Nora: One, the High Lords of Terra know all sorts of shit that they keep secret from the populace. Two. OH NOES! THEY MIGHT ASK QUESTIONS! Grow up and contact them.
“Seems a bit unusual coming from an Inquisitor.”
“Says the positive Kriegsman.” The general turned his head and stared at her through his sockets. She looked at him and felt a change of expression behind that mask. “Don’t give me that look.” He turned his head to see the planet.
Ert: If that was supposed to be a character moment, it fell flat.
“For some odd reason, I have an unusual feeling about this mission.” Soon he heard the doors open around him and he turned to see someone unexpected enter a room. An Eldar, but not just any eldar. General Siegfried could recognize that she was an Eldar witch or a Farseer. Either way, he saw her as a threat.
Goeth: And how did the Eldar get onto the heavily guarded Inquisition ship? Oh right, from the void.
(Suddenly Counter: 5)
He pulled out his laspistol and aimed it at the Eldar.
Ert: *Sigh* a GENERAL with a laspistol? Why does no one in the stories I read take advantage of the advanced arsenals they have access to?
She pulled out her sword and her shuriken pistol in response to the general. However, Inquisitor Adrastia lowered the general’s aim with her hand while he saw the symbol of Ulthwe printed on her armor.
“General Siegfried, stand down.”
“Inquisitor, why is there a xenos standing on a ship of the Inquisition this close to Terra?”
Nora: Because this story doesn’t give a shit. And if you were a real Korpsman she’d be dead already.
“She is the reason why we are here. Return your weapon back to it’s holster before you force my hand.” There was a pause with the Kriegsman and then he returned his weapon to it’s place before he pulled his coat closer to his chest.
Goeth: I could’ve told you before you met her, but personally I find Mexican stand-offs to be amusing.
“Inquisitor, who is she?”
“I can speak for myself general.” She said. “I am Farseer Lofn of Craftworld Ulthwe. I am the one who gave your inquisitor a reason to be here.”
Ert: That’s a load considering that the Mechanicus spotted it and asked for her help. It makes twelve kinds of no sense, but that’s what happened.
“Why are you here?”
“This planet has brought my attention and I believe a set of events are going to follow.”
“That is not your concern.”
Nora: See Lieutenant Stu? We can totally trust her!
The general tensed his muscles when the Farseer said those words. Then the door opened once more and brought everyone’s attention. A magos ran towards the inquisitor with haste.
“Inquisitor, I bring ill news.” He said. “The power levels of the xeno energies are rising.”
“Magos, what is going on?”
Goeth: Well if you didn’t interrupt him, he could probably tell you Inquisitor. And why is it that this story can only convey information by having random background characters come forth?
“Something is inside the planet and it seems that it will do something once it reaches to it’s maximum level!” He came forward to the windows to see the planet. “Frak I think it just did.” The Farseer, general, and inquisitor joined the magos and watched from their view. Then they heard a great crack and saw chunks of ice breaking apart from the planet and into smaller pieces. “The planet is breaking.” Then General Siegfried noticed a xeno object that was being uncovered.
Ert: Ok, I think I know what’s happening. In Mass Effect, the main method of traveled across space is the Mass Relay system, giant objects that can send ships to another Mass Relay, no matter how far away it is, almost instantaneously. And right off the bat, the author fucks up several things about them. See, the Mass Relay in Sol wasn’t encased in Pluto, it was encased in one of Pluto’s moons, Charon. In fact, Charon wasn’t actually a moon in the Mass Effect universe, but rather the Mass Relay frozen in kilometers of ice. Secondly, Mass Relays don’t just turn on by themselves, they need to be activated through the use of Prothean technology. In Mass Effect, humans found a Prothean data cache on Mars that allowed them to activate the Charon Relay. Here it’s just kinda turning on. So the author doesn’t really care about the lore for either series. Well at least there’s no bias.
“Magos, is that causing the energy?” He pointed out. The magos looked closely and saw a blue object that was seems to be pointing in the direction of empty space, but it held a bright blue ball of energy within the object itself.
“I have never seen anything like it. It doesn’t look like it comes from the Tau.”
Nora: Why would you assume that the Tau made it? They were smacking rocks together when you were already space faring.
“A relay?” Stated Farseer Lofn.
“A relay what is that?” Questioned Inquisitor Adrastia.
“Before you humans even reached the time of space, there was a race that had some presence in your system. They called themselves Protheans. They were simply exploring your planets until they left without leaving any trace.”
Goeth: So, apparently the Mass Effect universe and the 40k universe just kinda exist in the same place. So tell me something. In Mass Effect, the Reapers come into the Milky Way every 50,000 years to wipe out all space faring organic life. The Eldar had a galactic empire for 60 million years and it only fell 10,000 years ago, well after the Protheans disappeared. In all this time you’re simply telling me that the Reapers never noticed the Eldar? Or that the Eldar never noticed the Reapers doing their genocide thing? Don’t tell me that the Eldar didn’t notice, they clearly knew about the Protheans and they were spread out through the entire galaxy, they didn’t have any limitations on their space travel. Looks like author forgot to science!
“Did they place their relay in our planet?”
“If I had the answer I would have told you, otherwise it is a mystery.”
Ert: Five bucks says she does have the answer. And no lady, you’ve established yourself as the type of person who would keep her mouth shut.
“Is this worth anything to us?”
“No, it does not. We do not gain anything from using these relays.”
“How do you know that these were relays?”
Nora: Relay is a rather generic term, you’re gonna want to specify what it actually is and what it does before you can ask if you know for sure that they did that thing.
“My race observed them without alerting them and that is how we gained out knowledge of these lower beings.”
Goeth: We then just kinda watched as the Protheans were slowly butchered over 300 years, because we’re pricks like that.
“Is that all your xeno race knows?”
“Do not insult me inquisitor, your races is still pathetic in the eyes of the Eldar.”
Ert: I mean it is all we know, but I’m not telling you.
“At least we are not dying out.” Stated General Siegfried.
Ert: Yeahhhhhh…say that again when you’ve stopped the Tyranids from gobbling up your planets.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me. I don’t need to repeat it again.” The two gave each other cold stares until the magos grabbed their attention. An ensign entered the room and grabbed Adrastia’s attention.
Nora: All right children, time for nappy.
“Inquisitor, the captain wants you at the bridge.”
“Understood sailor.” She turned towards the three. “Enough, I still have to investigate this strange technology. Now follow me.” They all went to the bridge while Farseer Macha gained vicious and curious looks from the sailors that she was passing by. They entered the bridge and the captain made the sign of the Aquila towards Adrastia.
“Inquisitor, we have received reports of more strange xeno energies getting larger.”
Goeth: And while we’re at it, can you please stop using such vague terms? Energy is energy, it doesn’t become human or xeno, it’s kinetic, thermal, chemical, all that fun stuff. It doesn’t identify by species.
“What is going on?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” Then an ensign spoke.
“Captain, unidentified ships have appeared in range!”
“Are they heretical?”
“Too small for traitor ships.”
Ert: Well give me the size of the ships Ensign, you didn’t get your job so that you could let people play the guessing game!
“The techpriests got nothing on these ships sir; however, they are numerous and small. Shall we fire up the lancers?”
“Yes.” Then a vox operator grabbed the captain’s attention.
“Captain, unidentified ships are hailing us. Shall we respond?!” The captain turned his head towards the inquisitor then she gave a nod to confirm her order.
Nora: Uh, considering how violently xenophobic the Imperium of Man is, and considering that there are unidentified alien ships in the most holy star system that they have, realistically those ships would’ve been reduced to atoms by now.
“Open vox channels, but keep the power levels of our weapons ready!”
“Xeno, do you think that they are your ships?” Said General Siegfried asking Farseer Lofn.
“No general, we have a way of beauty when we design something.”
Goeth: Yes, the Eldar get all pretentious and artistic whenever they design a fork, but simplicity and practicality is for lesser species apparently.
“That’s good to know.” Reports told the captain that the fleet has prepared their ship weapons to fire on command.
“Then you are closed-minded. You should know that we don’t travel in such forms.”
Ert: That sentence doesn’t really respond properly to what Lieutenant Stu said.
The vox operator channeled the transmission onto the speakers loud enough for everyone in the room. Then these words were spoken while Inquisitor Adrastia saw more ships appear in front of the relay.
“This is the Fleet of the Citadel Council, can you understand me.” Then Inquisitor Adrastia was quick enough to speak.
Goeth: Well realistically they shouldn’t considering that they just met and that even Mass Effect translators can’t just automatically figure out
“I can understand you. Tell me, why are you in the space of the Imperium?”
“First you tell me why have you activated Relay 314?”
Nora:…We didn’t. YOU did. Seriously, the fact that they just came through is pretty indicative that they were on the other side and that they were the ones who turned it on. Also, author ones again makes lore opsie. Relay 314 was the Shanxi relay, not the Charon Relay. There’s a great big “Author didn’t care enough to do research” flag being raised over this story. Not only is he getting the First Contact War from Mass Effect in the wrong place, he fucked up the motivation. Humans broke Council law and activated a Mass Relay, which was deemed illegal after reckless activation of Mass Relays unleashed the Rachni onto the galaxy, so the Turians moved to stop it. Here, humans do nothing and the Council is still pissed because…the Council is dumb?
“We did not activate this relay of yours. We were merely reacting to it’s energy.”
“Do you know that you have broken Council regulation?”
Ert: Why is it so hard for this author to have characters properly respond to what other characters are saying?
“Regulation? Even if we knew of these regulations we wouldn’t care. Show us what you are?” Soon a holographic image showed a strange reptile bird that was standing on two legs with it’s mandibles opening when speaking.
“I am Commander Vyrnnus of the 14th Fleet of the Turian Hierarchy, you must be brought to justice for breaking regulation. What is your race’s designation?”
Goeth: You know, the Turians aren’t stupid. And for the record, the Destiny Ascention, the very biggest military ship ever built by the Council and a dreadnought, is 1 kilometer long. The Havoc class raider merchant raider is a 40k ship that is among the lightest classification of starship in 40k. It’s 1.6 kilometers long. Do the math.
Nora: The Turians would be shitting themselves at the size of the Imperium ships, not making demands.
“We are humans commander and I do not think that you are in the position to talk to us like that. Xeno.” His mandibles twitched before a navigation officer yelled out to the captain.
“Sir, we have signs of a Tyranid hive fleet coming towards the xeno object!”
Ert:….WHAT!? A Hive Fleet? Are you fucking me? Which Hive Fleet? If it’s one of the minor Hive Fleets that have been kicking around Imperium territory, then it NEVER would’ve gotten this far in. The only possible Hive Fleet that could have done this is Hive Fleet Leviathan, the biggest Hive Fleet to date and was last seen tearing its way across Imperium space, heading for Holy Terra. Apparently the Tyranids are attracted to the psyker signal that the Emperor gives off like moths to a flame.
Nora: So if Hive fleet Leviathan finally managed to make it to Terra, no one should be surprised, because it would’ve had to tear its way through thousands upon thousands of star systems in order to do that, consuming tens of thousands of planters in the process. And if it managed to get this far, I imagine it would’ve been able to build up enough biomass to take Terra itself. So I safely declare the Imperium of man DEAD!
“Tyranids?” She said to herself. “Close all communications, I want the High Lords of Terra on high alert!”
Ert: Uh, those two commands kind of contradict each other.
Soon the vox operator began to switch to an official channel while the navigation officer grabbed their attention.
Goeth: Ah, I see. Now the High Lords need to be informed. Yes, because Hive Fleet Leviathan will cause less panic than a random thingie. The charts say so.
“Tyranids are in range, do we fire?”
Nora: No, invite them to tea.
“Yes, do it! In the name of the Emperor.” Confirmed the captain. General Siegfried and Farseer Lofn looked outside the ship to see a large swarms hive fleet come in from multiple directions. However, it was aimed for the relay.
Ert:…So. The whole reason that the Tyranids invaded the Milky Way Galaxy in the first place was because of the presence in the Warp that the Emperor is giving off. They could feel it from outside the galaxy, but now that they’re on the doorstep of Holy Terra, they’re ignoring it to focus on a random Mass Relay? Ugh…author, just admit that you know nothing about 40k.
The Turian Hierarchy’s 14th Fleet
“Sir, new unidentified contact has been spotted in the range of our ships. Multiple contacts are swarming towards the relays.” Commander Vyrnnus didn’t know what to do, it was a first contact and this new unknown had grabbed his attention. Then a combat officer spoke.
Goeth: Well that could be a little more disjointed, come on buddy, try harder.
“Sir, first unknown race is firing on second unknown species. What is our orders?” He had to take action. “Second unknown species are having a course to the relay!”
“Shit, all ships are to fire at everything!”
Goeth: Hey, that’s the strategy I use when I’m trying to piss everyone off. Doesn’t make much sense here because the Tyranids are attacking the Relay while the Imperium isn’t.
Ert: Council stupid, Council need to do everything wrong.
Soon the Citadel ships fired their mass accelerator cannons at the targets of opportunity. First, they began to fire at will at everything in their sights, but it hardly did anything. The ship of the 1st unknown race deployed shields like all ships; however, his combat officer surprised him that the slugs had simply disappeared before impact.
Nora: Not sure what the heck that is supposed to mean. The Imperium doesn’t have any, “completely vaporize incoming projectiles technology” that I know of. Imperium shields absorb the blasts from ENERGY weapons.
The 2nd unknown species was getting closer and closer, refusing to move away from the sheer firepower coming from the fleet. When this swarm came close, he saw a frigate get smashed through without mercy. “All ships, displace, displace!” The ships of the Hierarchy moved away, but those that were not fast enough to leave were quickly smashed by the hive fleet.
Ert: So where hundreds upon hundreds of ships destroyed or were only two destroyed? You gotta establish.
Then rounds exploded near the ships that were close to the hive fleet. “Whose shots were those?” He asked.
“Sir, it’s the first race. They are not halting their fire.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sir, I’m still receiving reports of ships being fired upon.”
Nora; I get the nagging feeling that this story is going to try to portray the Imperium as victims in this incident, even though Turian weapons can’t so much as scratch Imperium ships and the Imperium is freely blasting Turian ships to pieces just to try and get at the Tyranids.
“Display them on screen.” Then he looked at the display to see this human ship fire all of it’s cannons at this swarm. He was shocked by the size of the firepower that came from each lance and plasma weaponry. “Do we have anything to kill that thing?”
“No sir, that ship is huge and our rounds can’t seem to hit it. The ship has some sort of shielding that’s preventing it from taking damage.” The commander asked for reports of any casualties that continued to rise from the dreadnought that held so much firepower. He lost a one-forth of the fleet in this engagement
Ert: Wow. It’s nothing short of a miracle that you lost that few ships.
and heard one of the ensigns say that the swarm race had reached the relay and began to use it for travel.
Nora: No. Once again, author doesn’t know the first thing about Mass Effect. You need activation codes to use the Mass Relays. You can’t just fly up to them and get thrown through space. Tyranids would not be able to use it.
“Disengage, we must warn the Citadel!”
“Sir, we are being hailed by the humans.”
“Put them on display..”
Goeth: Meh, the horrors from Hell can wait. Also considering that they apparently all got through the relay in about five seconds…and that the 50,000 ship Migrant Fleet sometimes takes entire days to get through, I estimate this Tyranid Fleet to be…twenty ships.
Ert: A pretty pathetically small fleet then, one that never should’ve gotten so close to Terra.
He felt nervous thinking about what this hive fleet could do once it reached Citadel Space. The display showed the human with similar Asari traits in some sort of armor that only exposed the woman’s face. He saw a taller figure with a masked man standing behind her.
Ert: Wow hold up author! You’re blowing us away with this incredible detail!
“Why are you hailing us? You have accused me for breaking regulation and fired on the fleet. Tell me why I shouldn’t exterminate you on the spot.”
Nora: If you were properly in character, you wouldn’t even be waiting for that answer. Everyone is so rampantly OOC in this
“This isn’t the spot to talk. I should have done this first contact properly.”
“First contact done properly? So you xenos had screwed a situation like this before?”
Nora: Oh shut up. Your first contact policy is kill everything.
“Yes, but it didn’t include a hostile race with superior weapons.”
Ert: Again, Turians are not this brain dead.
“We are not hostile,
Goeth: We estimate that the Imperium has most likely wiped out hundreds if not thousands of species since its inception. Even stone age aliens on the basis that they might become a threat one day. It’s paranoid but they kind of have a point considering that they tried to do this with the Tau, failed, and then 6,000 years later the Tau started their own miniature empire.
Nora: You. Know. NOTHING. Of 40k.
we being defensive with you xenos for being in the heart of the Imperium.”
“Ma’am please don’t shoot us, we didn’t know that we would be in a situation like this.”
Ert: So we decided to shoot first because Council stupid.
“Normally I would just stop talking to you and shoot you on sight, but that is something I would do on a backwater system not in the heart of humanity. Then there is the fact that you have brought the Tyranids to our doorstep. So tell me why are you doing this?”
Ert: And being at the heart of humanity makes xenos genocide less part of the Imperial Creed HOW!? Allow me to say a quote from the pamphlets issued to all Imperial Guardsmen.
“Fear The Alien. Hate The Alien. Kill The Alien.”
Nora: This policy actually isn’t something that happened when the Emperor was gone either. He CREATED this policy. In the Great Crusade, the Emperor found some lost human colonies that had successfully merged with local xenos and lived in peace. He destroyed them all.
Goeth: Might have something to do with the myriad of powerful races out there that seem to go out of their way to fuck up humanity and him not wanting to take any chances. I mean with those planets destroyed the xenos were gone for good. You can always just make more humans.
“I… I came prepared to make another species into a client race of the Turian Hierarchy.” The woman smiled.
“It seems that you were disappointed with the results.”
“Yes, and now we have an unknown race entering our space.”
Nora: A fleet that never should’ve gotten to Sol.
“What are you suggesting?”
“I am asking if you can come and meet with the council, the center for the galactic community. I’m hoping that you might know what these other species is capable of.”
Ert: This meeting is so disjointed. ATTACK! OH NO NIDS! Ok, you help plox? I feel like we’ve gone through three different characters with this guy.
“The center of the galactic community? I will come, but I must have a fleet at this relay.”
“Understood.” He felt relieved that his whole fleet didn’t break apart and died on the spot. “Someone inform the council of our new arrivals.” An ensign quickly began to do what he said.
The Citadel Council
Ert: Ok, how many jumps have we made in this chapter alone? I won’t put up a counter because that’d be like having a counter for a lack of commas, we’d be dead in ten minutes.
Councilor Sparatus had just received a report about a first contact after Commander Vyrnnus’s fleet hand entered the relay. He was about to speak about the subject right after the current issue was finished. When it was time, he looked at his best to see the two other councilors of the other races. “Ah, Councilor Valern, Councilor Tevos. I’ve got a report about a first contact.” The Asari councilor stared at him with a cold stare.
“Councilor Sparatus, did our fleet engage with these newcomers.”
Goeth: Well someone’s jumping to conclusions.
“I heard from my reports that this race called the humans had a ship waiting outside of the relay before everything went to hell. The report said that they engaged with a species that has their own version of FTL with a larger ship. Then another species came in and that was when Commander Vyrnnes took action. He lost one-forth of his fleet in the engagement before this species entered the relay.”
“You mean that there were two species that were there?”
Ert:…Did I stutter?
“Yes, from what Commander Vyrnnus said in his report. These humans referred to these creatures as Tyranids.”
“How enormous was their ship?” Asked Councilor Valern.
“Larger than the Destiny’s Ascension.” Valern gasped.
Nora: Yeah, which is why I refuse to believe than any commander, no matter how brain dead, would fire on them without being fired on first.
“Did they have any presence of element zero?”
“From what I know about ships, it would require plenty of Element Zero.”
Goeth: No idea why they’re asking these questions. Reeks of “We must establish that this story is a crossover”.
“Interesting, have they decided to meet with us?”
“From the report, they might send an ambassador. It said that our fleet was in the heart of their empire.”
Ert: Might? Be a little more wishy washy Councilor, your report is too concrete.
“Present yourselves when they come.” Commented Councilor Tevos. “I would like to know if this race is more reasonable than the Rachni.”
Back on Terra’s Faithful
Ert: “Back on” for fuck’s sake…
When Inquisitor Adrastia was finished speaking to the High Lords of Terra,
Nora: Who promptly ordered her execution for not letting them know about the Relay sooner.
she was waited for the fleet of the Sol system to secure this side of the relay before leaving. She also heard a report that a sizable hive fleet had entered the relay before the remaining Tyranids have decided to break off onto the edge into the dark depths of space.
Goeth: No. As we decided, you would know years in advance if a massive Hive Fleet was getting near Terra, and no fleet besides Leviathan would be able to do it. I know you said it happened but your story is wrong.
This was now much more than an investigation. To have a Tyranid Hive Fleet have access to a relay that lead to Holy Terra was unacceptable.
Ert: I’m more concerned how the Tyranids got into Sol WITHOUT the aid of a Mass Relay, because someone royally screwed the pooch for that to happen.
The Xenos ships were still there and she turned to see General Siegfried and Farseer Lofn have some kind of gap between the two. “Inquisitor Adrastia, are you sure that is wise to go to this Citadel that these xenos speak of?” Questioned General Siegfried.
Nora: Do you or do you not have a small army of Korpsmen on board and have a ship that dwarfs theirs? What’s the danger.
“General, let us look at it this way. A Tyranid hive fleet has access to one of our most protected systems in the Imperium. To have such a fleet in our space must be exterminated on the spot. If I must, I will bring the inquisitors of the Ordo Xenos to fight this threat that lays within our system.”
Goeth: OHHHHH I hope we get Inquisitor Kryptman on this…well ex-Inquisitor Kryptman. Apparently this was the guy that proved that the Inquisition did indeed have a line they were not willing to cross. That line was blowing up Imperium controlled planets before the Tyranids even got there. A shame really, the guy was there when the Tyranids first emerged onto the galactic stage and he’s been studying them ever since.
“If the Ordo Xenos is going to be needed, shouldn’t we leave the Eldar in space.” Farseer Lofn was offended.
Ert: And confused. That statement was kinda random and didn’t make sense.
“You would dare commit such action against me, general?”
“Why not, could be fun to watch a xeno like you flying out the airlock.” Inquisitor Adrastia was actually afraid of this man. He seemed like he was willing to order such idea to his men.
Nora: Inquisitor is afraid of Lieutenant Stu, the Korpsman who was too much of a pussy to die. Fuck off.
(Gary Stu Counter: 11)
“To entertain myself, I’ll be the one to throw you.”
“You wouldn’t dare?” Replied Farseer Lofn.
Ert: Like I had to scream over and over again last week. Farseers can rip you apart with their brains. She would most likely kill Lieutenant Stu on the spot for saying that.
Author’s Note: Surprise! I replaced Macha with Lofn. My reason is this, why not have a daughter of a Vindicare Assassin and a Farseer be part of a story.
Ert: Remember how last week I included a link to a story about an Eldar Farseer and a human actually falling in love in a human? Well, they had a daughter in some works that expanded on the story, Lofn. Ok, number of things this story fucks up about Lofn.
Ert: Lofn has a very unique ability to render anything nearby docile, which should be working on Lieutenant Stu.
Lofn tends to keep a few docile Tyranids around (Yeah, I thin her stories were supposed to be more light hearted and not meant to be taken totally seriously) and I see none of them here.
Third of all, I don’t think Lofn would be welcome on as a Farseer on a Craftworld, due to being half human.
Lofn is usually depicted as a very loving person. Not really the stereotypical racist Eldar. (You know, because her father was human and she herself is half human)
One, it would make sense since Macha is considered a whore in the 1d4chan stories and two, I read a thread that Lofn became a pretty good Farseer. Due to that fact alone, I decided to replace that slut.
Nora: Oh goody. One of these cunts. Apparently Lofn’s (Possible) aunt was originally the Eldar in this scene and the author just replaced the names because character riting is hard. And a THREAD!? Well you gotta shit all over Lofn’s character based on what a THREAD says. And fuck Macha that slut whore, how dare she HAVE SEX! Which doesn’t make any sense considering she’s only really developed in the 1d4chan community, and there it’s stated she’s a 4,000 year old virgin. So fuck logic when it comes to slut shamming! And yeah, I’ve peeked ahead and I’m pretty sure this author’s sole information about 40k comes from 1d4chan.
Ert: Speaking as someone who reads 1d4chan fairly often, it’s not really something that’s good as a sole source of information for 40k. It’s more for people who like foul/black comedy and already have a decent understanding of 40k lore. You can learn some things from it, but only if you have a good deal of information of 40k to go on. If you make it your foundation…well we get this mess. So we got a story based entirely on a message board’s take on 40k. This is gonna SUCK!