1139: The Great Rift – Chapter Three

Title: The Great Rift
Author: LimeyK
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Drama/Adventure
URL: The Great Rift: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello children, and welcome back for more of this fic! Yay, guess what we get to sit through more of?

That’s right! More purple prose!

*puts on the purple prose glasses*

Sit tight, ladies and gents, it’s about to get crazy up in here!

We open our next chapter with this:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

Oh! Oh! Is this the moment where LimeyK finally realizes that his pretentious stuff about “I’m thinking about writing this like making a film” is complete bullshit? Is it when he finally realizes that his one-sentence-a-paragraph formatting is shit? Is it when he finally cleans up his prose act?

Put your hands together, and give a grand welcome to this tournament’s lineup!”

Aw, man!

*tosses popcorn*

And here I thought my life was about to get better.

The announcer hailed as more trumpets blared, flags and banners were released to fly, and the crowded stadium rose to their feet as the pairs of smashers filed out of the training room and strode across the high walkway ramp.

Holy Christ!

*hides under the desk*

You know, it’s kind of a bad sign when you know that the one-sentence-a-paragraph formatting tends to lead to all sorts of run-on sentences like the one above. You know what’s even worse? The fact that you expect those run-on sentences, and they still catch you off guard whenever they happen.

That’s a pretty impressive feat, to be able to do something so consistent yet surprise the reader every time you do it. Gotta give LimeyK props.

The newcomers must have been heavy with angst from being showered in the constant cheers from the audience.

*headdesk*

LimeyK, I can tell you from having stepped onto a stage in front of an audience more times than I think anyone would care to count that the feeling you get from entering a space like this is not as extreme as angst. Jitters, maybe, but angst?

And what do you mean “must have been”? LimeyK, either they feel the jitters or they don’t! It’s that simple! Don’t be so fucking vague about what they feel!

*BAM*

Jeez, tone it down with the prose, dude!

Many of them had done this procedure times before, but something felt different this time, like it was all suddenly new for everyone.

Many of the newcomers had stepped out onto a tournament space to bask in the adoration of the crowd before? Yeah, ‘cause the new guys have definitely done it before.

That makes sense!

Also, you’re now telling us about how the newcomers are feeling about stepping out onto an arena for the first time. You know, instead of showing us by way of describing their facial expressions, or the way they look at the crowd, or the way their hands twitch, or the way their steps suddenly constrict themselves, or the way their pace moves… No, you just tell us how they feel in the narrative.

You know.

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 7

When they stepped onto the middle fighting platform, the walkway ramp temporarily retracted back to the sides of the stadium.

*le gasp*

Oh my god, finally, a description of something that is actually fucking concrete! It only took this fic three fucking chapters to finally make good on its promise of providing good imagery!

In almost perfect unison, the fighters arranged themselves according to the lands from where they hailed in a pre-planned ring which traced around the large smash insignia banner in the center.

While there was a variation on how many smashers were grouped from each place, several spots retained a good number less than others.

Some were in fact noticeably empty.

And then it immediately gets awkward again. Thanks, LimeyK: it’s good to know we can rely on you for our dose of daily awkwardness.

Also, LimeyK, thank you for pointing out the reason why you’re not supposed to show up late to these kinds of events. This kind of puts a damper in the epicness of the opening ceremony, no?

As the fanfare continued to roll, the announcer had more to say regarding these vacant spots.

*sound of a bark from far off*

I’m with Swenia on this one. If you’re going to have the announcer continue, why not just have him continue instead of having the prose tell us he’s going to continue!?

“Unfortunately, some of the later bracket combatants are still on their way here, and will miss the opening ceremony.

See? So why the fuck did you include that little narrative tag when you were going to have the guy say stuff anyway!

*BAM*

Also, fanfares don’t generally “roll”. Snare drums roll, but trumpets? No.

*BAM*

LimeyK. Prose. You do it wrongest.

These include Star Fox and fellow ace Falco from the Lylat System, some remaining combatants from Xylvania on the Planet of Nations,

*snerk*

Wait, what?

Planet of Nations

Holy shit man, where the hell have you been your whole life? I mean, you’re aware that our planet has nations on it, right? And you’re aware, too, that just about every other planet that most of these guys come from has different nations on it, right?

*chuckles*

Holy shit, dude, I didn’t think you would be capable of producing a name so damn generic for anything, but it happened!

and last but definitely not least, Dreamland’s one and only Meta Knight.”

A slight rise in cheers could be heard as each of these late arriving members was listed.

A slight rise in cheers? So the cheers formed persons that could jump up every time someone was listed?

*offscreen bark*

Yeah, what Swenia said.

“Don’t worry yourselves about their empty spaces, for our hearts are with them, and we will still fully honor their participation by playing their home anthems as well for when they arrive!”

Well, that’s gonna produce hilarious results if they come barging in during the middle of a match in progress, isn’t it? Imagine: Little Mac and Pikachu are fighting, and suddenly out of nowhere we hear this play in the background:

Yeah, that’s gonna throw you for a loop too, right?

The royal audience meanwhile also rose to their feet as the entire stadium quickly hushed and became almost dead silent.

“Oh shit, Fred, I think they’re unhappy about something! Shit, hide, heads are gonna roll!”

The grouped fighters held up each other’s arms and confidently looked to the royal audience while several Lakitus descended with news cameras, strategically positioning themselves around the platform to film everyone.

Oh hai random nod to Super Mario 64. Good to see you’ll have a point!

The giant display screen above showed a live master shot of the entire scenario.

And what the fuck shot is that? LimeyK, I know you’re proud of the fact that you used a piece of industry lingo, but that means nothing to the rest of us! What the fuck is the display screen actually displaying? What is actually being played there?

Our “visually demanding” style, ladies and gentlemen! You know, the one where the giant display screen is displaying… uh… the thing!

The announcer then continued, “We will now introduce and honor all nations and worlds with us here today while hearing their anthems in the respected order!”

Wait, so you lumped the promenade and the parade of nations (so to speak) as two separate things? And then you’re slowing it down further by playing all their anthems?

*headdesk*

Okay, someone needs to fire the idiot that organized this opening ceremony. Clearly, they’re bad at their jobs.

First of all, LimeyK… You do realize that anthems tend to take at least one to two minutes to play, right? And you’re going to play all of them. So the Mushroom Kingdom, the Dreamland… um, whatever Little Mac’s anthem is… the DK anthem… um… the Pokemon anthem…

Look, just call them theme songs, okay? ‘Cause that’s what they are! Don’t try to pretty it up by calling them anthems!

Anyway, not the point. The point is, you have a lot of anthems to play through, so you’ll be there for at least ten minutes. I’m sorry, but no sports crowd in existence is willing to sit through ten minutes of nothing but anthems. In a graduation, you might get away with it. But otherwise? No!

Second of all, here’s a thought: instead of having all the fighters promenade out in pairs that are unrelated to each other, why didn’t you just, oh, I dunno, have them promenade out in groups ordered according to the places they’re representing!? It kills two birds with one stone! Shit, why do you think the Olympics has the athletes parade out in the order of nations they represent? It’s because it’s quick, it’s efficient, it keeps the proceedings lively…

Basically, you’re setting your audience up to start falling asleep in about five minutes. And as any opening ceremony organizer can tell you, that is not what you want to do when you’re supposed to get everyone hyped up in the opening of your tournament!

*BAM*

Sweet Jesus Christ…

Since the Mushroom Kingdom had officially hosted the smash tournaments since their founding, theirs respectively came first.

“Starting from our own Mushroom Kingdom!”

*Alarm Blares*

Oh fuck me, really? Come on!

*leans out the window*

Swenia! Unleash the Chroma Squad!

*Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence*

Ah, you gotta love it when indie toku studios outside of Japan get their thing going. They’re always looking for more money, so that leads to some pretty reliable guards!

Mario, Luigi, and the other fighters hailing from there held their heads high.

And they didn’t cheer when their fanfare started playing, I take it. Um… why?

Up in the royal audience, Peach and Toadsworth held their hands over their hearts.

The following anthems then began playing in order around the smash ring as a sort of great medley which flowed seamlessly from one to the next.

*offscreen bark*

“A sort of great medley which flowed seamlessly from one [anthem] to the next”? Um, LimeyK, you’re aware that the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of ‘medley’ is this:

a musical piece made up of parts of other musical works

You’re aware of that, right? So why the fuck do you think you need to clarify that each anthem flowed seamlessly into the next one? It’s practically implied by its nature as a medley!

*BAM*

“The Flower Kingdom!”

The representing fighters and creatures from there stood proud as the cameras panned along them, showing close ups of their faces.

Um, question, LimeyK: exactly who is supposed to be a representative fighter from the Flower Kingdom, again? ‘Cause I have no idea what the Flower Kingdom is supposed to represent.

“Sarasaland!”

Daisy held her hand over her heart while her fellow Sarasans were also given glory upon the big screen.

All the ones in the audience cheered to the anthem played for their country, which has exactly… um… zero representatives in the body of the tournament.

“The Sprixie Kingdom!”

The rainbow fairies danced, twirling around in midair while their nation’s tune went to a sort of digital infused, almost techno sounding beat.

*headdesk*

What? Really?

*BAM*

First of all, LimeyK, you didn’t allude to the Sprixies in the bit backstage where you were busy training along. So if there are no Sprixies fighting, why the fuck are you playing their anthem?

Second, “digital infused, almost techno”? Um, did you listen to the Super Mario 3D World soundtrack, mister? ‘Cause that uses a friggin’ big band, dude!

Seriously, patrons. According to LimeyK here, the soundtrack to Super Mario 3D World:

That apparently sounds like this:

*BAM*

And yes, for those of you saying this might be an arrangement: I’ll get to that. Because next we get:

“Dinosaur Land!”

Bidro and Yoshi both closed their large eyes, feeling their homeland’s primal anthem resonating deeply within along with the other fellow dinosaurs from there.

Their homeland’s “primal” anthem?

Wait, what…?

“The Kongo Islands!”

Donkey and Diddy Kong shot the cameras excited looks and could hardly prevent themselves from beating their chests to the lively, tribal style anthem.

And now there’s a tribal style anthem.

*BAM*

Okay, LimeyK, as the resident musician of the Library, I’m going to tell you the following: you are no longer allowed to use musical terms in your prose. Clearly, you have no sense of what an anthem is actually supposed to be, nor how an anthem actually relates into the music of a particular culture.

See, here’s the definition of “anthem”:

a rousing or uplifting song identified with a particular group, body, or cause.

Now, does it apply only to a national anthem? No. But here’s what you need to understand about any kind of anthem, and especially a national anthem (which is what I’m assuming you’re shooting for here given that these anthems are to greet all the people of a particular place): “rousing or uplifting”.

See, the purpose of a national anthem is supposed to be that it’s a simple musical statement that anyone can sing behind which a country’s citizens can rally behind. So you see, national anthems are a specific style of anthem, and they’re often grand, sweeping statements that have an uplifting tune. Why do you think the Finnish national anthem takes after Finlandia? It’s because Finland can rally behind it. Hell, why do you think they perform the Star Spangled Banner at the start of important sports games in America? It’s because we can all get behind it.

So it’s a very, very specific word for a very, very specific kind of mood the anthem is trying to set.

You know what else is notable about an anthem? Shockingly, most of the time, the anthem is performed in a style that actually does not line up with the style you might find in the actual culture.

Great example? Cuba. I know, I know, personal bias, but it’s fairly true what I’m saying here.

You see, Cuban music is inflected with all sorts of African rhythms, brought over from the slaves. It’s also a very different sort of application than from what we got in Jazz in America, since Cuba was a Spanish colony rather than an English one. So you see a bunch of genres that came out of Cuba. Salsa. Rumba. Cha-cha. Mambo. Those of you well versed in dance might recognize that some of the genres have variations in other Hispanic countries, but the Cuban style can usually be picked out almost immediately.

And hey, it bled into pop music by Cubans, as well. Here’s an example, this particular one being Guantanamera as sung by a younger Celia Cruz:

Or how about this, from a smaller outfit somewhere else?

And hey, it’s not like other music hasn’t been given that treatment before! Here, have a remix of a popular classical tune in this style:

So you can see: it’s a very, very distinct style of music, one that would be instantly recognizable if you were to go up to someone and play it for them. It’s a style that can only come out of Cuba, and it’s a signature sound you hear a lot in places that have a large Cuban population.

*breathes in*

Here’s the Cuban national anthem:

*BAM*

But fine, okay, the arrangement might be different. And hey, you can always be like “hey, that justifies the techno arrangement of the Sprixie Kingdom” anthem.

But that brings us back to the function of an anthem. The anthem is supposed to be a rallying cry. If you change up the anthem by arranging it in a style that may not necessarily be uplifting, you risk downplaying the whole “rallying cry” part of an anthem. It’s why some people are so sensitive to their national anthems being rewritten. It’s why some people get annoyed at all the pop singers that muck up the national anthem. Hell, Igor Stravinsky got arrested simply for reharmonizing our national anthem! Now, that’s not to say it’s impossible to arrange a national anthem for a particular event  so that it’s not a march-like texture (they arranged the Star Spangled Banner in 4/4 time when Renee Fleming sang it at the 2014 Super Bowl), but you usually don’t stray into fitting your anthem so that it reflects the musical style of your people.

Ergo, by turning these great rallying cries into these cute little arrangements that reflect the culture of their country of origin, you miss the point of why anthems are played at sporting events. Not to mention, you kind of wound national pride by doing that!

Hence, LimeyK, why you’re no longer allowed to use musical terms. Or indeed, to even talk about music. You talk up a big game in your profile about how much you love music, but frankly, you’re not equipped with the right know-how to describe music in your prose.

So kindly don’t describe music in your prose again. Musicians everywhere will thank you for it.

“The Sunshine Animal Islands!”

Some Pianta and Noki fighters glanced earnestly at themselves up on the screen while conducting a little hula dance they always do to show their nation’s culture.

Oh my God, is this going to go on forever?

“Kanto!”

While the Pokémon, namely Jiggly Puff swayed slowly to the uplifting tone, Red let the shade line of his cap rise until the sun barely pierced his eyes, gazing into the sun’s halo-like brightness and recalling his life’s past experiences as a Pokémon trainer.

*headdesk*

Holy shit, it does!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Jesus Christ, are we going to be forced to sit through the whole thing!?

“Hyrule!”

Zelda above, Link, a few Gorons, and other Hylian fighters held their hands across their chests in honoring their dear kingdom’s song and its solemnity.

“Skyworld!”

Several angelic warriors extended their wings and floated several feet above the ground, showing off with some air acrobatics.

*BAM*

Goddammit, I find something new to rant about every few paragraphs in this thing.

*sigh*

Just scroll through the rest of the anthems!

“Ylisse!”

The warrior princess Lucina and her Ylissens stood side by side, gazing rather nonchalantly and ignoring the passing cameras while staying focused.

“Valm!”

Similar groups of weapon-wielding humanoid combatants held their hands up together in a unified salute to the lenses upon them.

“Altea!”

The radiant prince Marth and friend Roy unsheathed their blades and pointed them skyward so the metal glistened vividly in the sun.

“Telius!”

A proud Ike stood alone on this spot with his hand resting on his great sword’s handle.

“The Bionis!”

More humanoid fighters and creatures possessing unique clothing and equipment were given the spotlight.

“Pop Star!”

Waddle-dees, Waddle-doos, and others filled this spot on the smash ring while dancing happily to their theme.

“Dreamland!”

Kirby waved his adorable stubby arms and shuffled his feet with his fellow dreamlanders to dreamland’s joyous and catchy tune while the cameras fixed on him.

“The Planet of Nations!”

These humanoid brawlers, slightly shorter in stature compared to the others present, still stood proudly together by each of their nations: the Western Frontier, the Tundran Territories, the Anglo Isles, the Solar Empire, and Xylvania.

“The Lylat System!”

Despite this spot being empty, the anthem still rolled and was honored all the same.

Holy fuck, that’s a huge chunk of time to devote to something that ultimately doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. On the one hand, I’m glad I don’t have to buzz this on the “Minimal” Exposition counter, but on the other hand, I would’ve preferred the bit of exposition! Though, now that I mention that counter, I guess I should buzz the blurb we got with “The Planet of Nations”, whatever the fuck he thought he was saying by naming his planet that. Seriously, you couldn’t think of any other way to fill us in on what it is, and what is in that place?

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 8

Because answer me this question, LimeyK: how relevant to the action is it for you to list every single anthem that’s played in this medley? Here’s the answer: it isn’t fucking relevant! It doesn’t illuminate anything about the characters, it doesn’t move the plot forward, and it doesn’t do enough worldbuilding for this to serve any function towards establishing the setting! Literally, you could remove this whole bit with the anthem parade and the reader would miss exactly nothing.

Look, LimeyK, showing stuff is all well and good, and we’re the first to say you need to show shit. But there’s a line where you have to ask yourself “what do I show”. And with this? No! None of it was necessary! It just bogged down the pacing of this fic with something that could’ve been summed up or expounded on elsewhere!

*headdesk*

Sheesh, at least Terrence Malick knew what not to include in The Tree of Life! That’s more moderation than I’ve seen from you!

While the lower cameras glorified the smashers live on the board, inter-cutting between showing the audience sections from the same worlds was also concurrently respected.

*offscreen bark*

Dammit, what did the medicine man say about that again?

Many saw themselves up on the big screen and couldn’t resist waving or shying their faces away with a blushing smile.

Aren’t they already doing that? I mean, most of the live audience is presumably looking down at the live people in the actual arena, right?

The sense of passing time seemed to be lost in substitution for much more immersive, almost sacred moments as the vast list of participators and music went on.

*louder offscreen bark*

Crunchy, can you check on Swenia really fast? I think something is legit wrong with her.

Also, LimeyK, I think you’re confusing them taking this as a sacred moment with them being bored out of their fucking skulls. If nothing else, I can at least relate to how they feel.

Not a single gram of the rising excitement was dropped or ignored in respecting each and every moment during the massive reverbed sound of the anthems racing around the stadium.

*louder offscreen bark*

Crunchy?

*looks around*

Crap, I should’ve known he would vacate the premises on my turn to snark. Shit…

It all may have taken a while, but the proper honoring silence prevailed the entire duration.

*headdesk*

And I am now convinced that LimeyK has never actually been to a live sporting event, or even watched one on TV.

Anyway, we get a line break, and we cut to this:

Across the galaxy on different worlds in households were families, friends, and fans alike gathered in living rooms, tuned in and witnessing the spectacle on their televisions.

Okay, I guess that’s fair enough, but—

Wait a second, there’s already the next line break!?

*headdesk*

Wow. A single sentenceograph that is on the shorter side as far as sentenceographs go is apparently enough for a scene now.

*BAM*

Anyway, we finish that bit, and…

On board the Great Fox, the Star Fox team was also watching and listening to the opening ceremony.

Standing in their proper military salute posture, Fox and Falco especially were pleased they still got to hear their anthem played despite their temporary absence.

Why the hell would they be watching the opening ceremony in the middle of a military salute? Not only is that extremely uncomfortable, it strikes me as being completely unnecessary.

And speaking of unnecessary, you know what I call unnecessary? These cuts to the televised audience!

*BAM*

After that, we cut to the next scene.

Thumb sticks clicked from side to side as the menus cycled on the screen until the character selection screen bloomed to life.

*loudest bark*

Excuse me for a second, patrons.

*leaves*

[Three Hours Later]

Oh, fuck my life…

Sorry, guys. I had to rush Swenia to the hospital. Apparently, she was reading along, and all the shit prose caused this growth to show up in her throat that makes her bark at awkward prose. So they have her under the knife now, they’re gonna try to get it out.

I wonder, though… If that happened to Swenia, am I developing that…?

[Two Hours Later]

The doctor says I’m good. I only hope I haven’t been misdiagnosed…

“Free for all!” The game famously announced.

As if instinctively, Andreas went to the options and changed the match to two stocks.

Wow, did LimeyK get his instruction in adverb use from Stephenie Meyer? ‘Cause I’m telling you, not only is it not necessary half the time, but it’s just clunky as hell and adds nothing but filler to the word count!

“Are you going your main?” Victor asked whilst moving his hand reticle randomly around the screen.

Andreas circled his too and tried to follow Victor’s, but it was rather difficult.

“Nah, I’m going random for this one.” He answered with a giggle, selecting the corresponding icon.

Which would be…?

Our “visually demanding” style, ladies and gentlemen! In which the random fighter icon is… the icon!

“You know what, me too.” Victor smiled and did likewise. “More of a challenge then!”

Andreas turned to reach back into the snack bags but suddenly thought he saw something dark move in the corner of his eye behind him, what looked like a figure past the window.

*bark*

WHAT THE FUCK!? THE HOSPITAL IS TWENTY MILES AWAY AND SHE’S UNDER SEDATION! HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL HEAR HER BARKING!?

[Four Hours Later]

Well, the good news is Swenia’s not under the knife anymore. The bad news is, she was in the center of a crater around which everything around her had been disintegrated. Also, they hadn’t actually managed to remove the lump.

So I’m calling a doctor in from outside, ‘cause apparently, taking her out of the Library was a terrible idea. Now here’s hoping that the doctor gets here before Ishi comes along with the leeches…

Anyway, LimeyK, you’re saying that he thought he saw a figure out of the corner of his eye? Oh no, I am just sitting in my seat shaking, whatever could this mean?

His eyes shot up swiftly, only to see nothing but the continuous blanket of snowflakes still falling in the faint streetlamp light outside.

Andreas shrugged off the slightly suspicious thoughts that briefly crossed his mind and turned back.

You know, I think I need to start skipping segments of this prose. This fic is just boring when it’s not busy spouting out some of the worst prose I’ve ever snarked for the Library. (Yes, even worse than the Quarter Quell sequels. Do you know how epically you have to fail at prose to be worse than the fucking Quarter Quell sequels!?)

So then Vic and Andreas here go on about their matches, they talk about the Amiibos, and—

“Well, looks like it’s your call man,” He then seemed to admit. “I got nothing.”

He was referring to the expansive stage selection screen.

*BAM*

Thank you for treating your audience like idiots, LimeyK. And trust me, you shouldn’t do that anyway, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that even idiots would think this fic is bad.

So then Andreas goes off to get some fruit, and then we cut to the next scene:

A tear formed in Pit’s eye as the anthems concluded, followed by a considerable length of calm silence.

Well, if the audience wasn’t bored to tears by that promenade of anthems, they certainly will be bored to tears now that there’s nothing being said!

Then the cheers rose with a giant swell as sufficient applause was granted to each and every one of the fighters, who also all clapped in honor of the anthems.

*frown*

Hm…

I’m going to add the concert hall to the list of places LimeyK probably hasn’t visited yet.

The angel actually began to unintentionally clap softly too before he shook his head, snapping out of his apparent melancholy.

*frown*

Began to “unintentionally” clap? I’m not sure clapping is the kind of motion you would do unintentionally, LimeyK.

Seriously, do you even know what “unintentionally” means? ‘Cause I’m starting to suspect you don’t actually know the definition of half the adverbs you pepper into your prose.

As the image view panned along the fighters, Pit stared with a sense of vengeful distaste down at a contrasting waiving and joyous Link in the altar.

*frown*

Wait, a contrasting “waiving” and joyous Link?

*shrugs*

Well, I could see why he’d be bummed about having to waive his rights to see the love child he probably had with Zelda, but what I want to know is how the hell these guys didn’t manage to get the lawyer in the shot!

His hand struck the water’s surface and threw the image into a distorted mess of ripples.

The angel covered his face and groaned loudly while walking back a good several meters from the altar.

Oh, just get the tub of ice cream already! Come on, we all know it’s the only place left for this scene to go!

He went all the way to the doorway and rested on one side, gazing out across Palutena’s magnificent temple aloft in a sea of clouds.

Inhaling a deep breath of fresh cool air, he stood and listened to the birds chirping in a nearby garden.

After thinking another moment, he finally decided momentously to leave the altar of observation behind and go out for a nice long walk around Skyworld, all while trying to clear his mind of dark lingering thoughts from the past.

And of course, this is all broken up into a ton of paragraphs. Because lumping three sentences into a single paragraph is just that thing other authors do.

*BAM*

After this, we cut back to Vic and Andreas, right after Andreas loses a match. Andreas makes a comment about always playing the girls, and—

Victor laughed and playfully tackled his friend, holding him down on the floor.

“You are just a girl Andre, admit it; and you’re gonna be mine tonight.”

He grasped Andreas’ torso as if he was a predator on its prey.

“Hmm, should I call you Andrea? You know you like it when I do that.”

Andreas blushed and smirked, resting his hands on his friend’s much thicker forearms while he stayed there submissively for several moments.

Uh… huh…

LimeyK, I just have one question:

WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS LEVEL OF CHARACTERIZATION THROUGHOUT THE FIC BEFORE NOW!?

Seriously, dude, what the hell? You actually can write decent characterization. I mean, these two playfight like that, they’re close enough where they can do that without getting creepy, Vic doesn’t care and Andreas doesn’t care… This may be a little on the nose considering that you spoiled their entire arc in the last chapter, but yeah, these two are actually close, and they have some chemistry.

It’s not perfect, but it’s the best thing this fic has produced so far. Fuck it, I’ll take it!

So how are you going to continue this bit of sexual tension?

The character selection screen came once more, causing the two to sit back up.

“Well, I’ve held it off until now but I’m trying an experiment.”

Andreas went to the selection area to pick a new name for his player.

You’re just going to drop it and keep chugging along at the same pace you’ve been doing it.

*headdesk*

Good job. You took the only decent thing your story has had in it so far, and you turned it to crap. Good job, LimeyK. Good job.

He thought another moment before entering the figures into the text box.

The word typed out was flaks, or luck in Norwegian.

*frown*

*runs over to Uncle Google*

Okay, let’s see…

Flaks

*shrug*

Eh, I’ll let LimeyK have that one. It’s close enough.

After this, Vic laughs at Andreas over this, and then Andreas replies “luck is a good thing to have, yo”. Vic thinks about it, and then looks over at Andreas.

“I suppose, but would you still like me to go get more cheese from the fridge?” He shot smugly.

Tossed back in amusement Andreas refuted, “As if! You want me to get it for you? I’ll go do it since I’m your girl!”

After sharing a good laugh, Victor turned back to the screen.

Oh thank God, we got a flash of that chemistry. Isn’t it funny how the guy with the worst prose has a better sense of how characters have chemistry than pretty much every other author we’ve snarked here at the Library? It’s almost worth a redemption cookie.

Almost.

Anyway, after this they decide to have the Amiibos settle the last round, with them picking up the Kirby and Mario Amiibos, and then…

Victor was about to press the start button when the game’s sound suddenly cut out.

The two friends gave a look of slight confusion to one another.

Victor tapped the start button several times more, but no response was conjured.

The screen was still on, but it was frozen and bared no audio.

Much like how this particular paragraph couldn’t be bothered to actually be a single paragraph.

Again, something must have caught Andreas in the corner of his eye,

*BAM*

Did it catch Andreas, or did it not? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure he would notice a fishing hook inserting itself in his fucking eye!

yet as his head looked back this time his face became drained of all color.

Yeah, that would be the blood loss you’ve now incurred from the hook in your eye. You might want to check a doctor after the offending party removes it and stuff.

His eyes widened as his voice trembled, “Vick…!”

Victor was now becoming annoyed.

“Ugh dammit, what’s wrong with the game?!” He snapped as he rapidly tapped start.

*frown*

So Vic sees his game is frozen, and he’s still at the “tap start until something happens” part? You’d think by that point that he’d go on to the next step of tech support!

Andreas meanwhile was still fearfully staring behind them.

“Vick!” He frantically nudged Victor on the shoulder.

“What is it?” Victor swung his head to look at his friend but immediately latched his eyes onto what he was staring at; his mouth dropped wide open.

Oh my God, they found out what was inside the briefcase in Pulp Fiction! Quick, kidnap them! We must torture them to steal their secret at any cost!

*BAM*

Okay, that’s not what actually happens, but dammit, that would’ve been hilarious!

No, what actually happens is this:

The room and everything once behind them was completely gone, swallowed in a wall of pitch black that kept expanding around them.

They were literally staring into nothingness as it enveloped them too.

The only visible light left was still emitting from the now blank white TV screen.

Well, at least it wasn’t the Magic Wii U. Or the interdimensional portal built by the Protheans. Anything is better than either of those two, really.

Oh come on, you totally knew they were going to get sucked into this Nintendo Universe at some point, guys! They wouldn’t have any screen time if they didn’t, you know?

Anyway, Vic then notices that Andreas isn’t anywhere nearby. So he claws through the blackness, being all:

“Hey, Andre?! Where are you?!” He now cried out.

Somewhere else in the void, Andreas’ case was no different from the other side.

“Vick, Vick?!” Andreas shivered slightly as he looked all around himself.

Dude, chill out, he’s right there.

*points somewhere in the void*

See?

With no response, he tucked up his legs while sitting in the center of that ominous light, suspended around him in that chilled space, without a form or color.

What the hell is this…? He feared almost out loud to himself.

It’s the plot, kid. Try not to think about it to hard.

The light steadily began to defuse,

*frown*

Huh. I didn’t know bomb squads were trained in the art of dealing with light. I think we’re going to have to talk to Isaac Newton now…

fading from sight as everything then became true darkness.

Only a slow and shivered breathing was still audible.

That would be Swenia, after having woken up from surgery at the point where she’s about ready to murder LimeyK for the crimes his prose committed against her throat.

Anyway, that’s where we’ll leave this off for now, patrons. I’ve been Herr Wozzeck, and I’ll see all of you happy people next week! Seeya!

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27 Comments on “1139: The Great Rift – Chapter Three”

  1. GhostCat says:

    The newcomers must have been heavy with angst from being showered in the constant cheers from the audience.

    :pulls out dictionary:

    Angst – n; a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not the emotion they should be experiencing right now.

  2. Ishi says:

    So I’m calling a doctor in from outside, ‘cause apparently, taking her out of the Library was a terrible idea. Now here’s hoping that the doctor gets here before Ishi comes along with the leeches…

    *drags in vat*
    Apologies for one’s lateness, there was some trouble with the containment vessels.

  3. GhostCat says:

    Victor laughed and playfully tackled his friend, holding him down on the floor.

    “You are just a girl Andre, admit it; and you’re gonna be mine tonight.”

    He grasped Andreas’ torso as if he was a predator on its prey.

    :gasp!:

    Could it be?

    “Hmm, should I call you Andrea? You know you like it when I do that.”

    Andreas blushed and smirked, resting his hands on his friend’s much thicker forearms while he stayed there submissively for several moments.

    :gets out popcorn:

    The character selection screen came once more, causing the two to sit back up.

    “Well, I’ve held it off until now but I’m trying an experiment.”

    :scoots to edge of chair:

    SWENIA! GLASSES! GET IN HERE! I THINK WE HAVE A LIVE ONE!

    Andreas went to the selection area to pick a new name for his player.

    BOO! :throws popcorn at fic:

    Sorry, girls – false alarm.

    • GhostCat says:

      “I suppose, but would you still like me to go get more cheese from the fridge?” He shot smugly.

      Tossed back in amusement Andreas refuted, “As if! You want me to get it for you? I’ll go do it since I’m your girl!”

      :gets out more popcorn:

      After sharing a good laugh, Victor turned back to the screen.

      :throws remaining popcorn at fic: Dammit!

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Poor Swenia is going to be super disappointed…

      • GhostCat says:

        Poor thing; first her throat, and now this.

      • agigabyte says:

        Goddess: You have a point. These sort of scenes don’t really work for that kind of industry.
        HATHORNE!

        Hathorne: *Walks into the writing room* Sir?

        Goddess: There are some similar scenes to the ones we just planned in this fic. They didn’t get could reception from our focus group. MonoCat: The Movie needs better stand in actors for the R-Rated scenes.

  4. infinity421 says:

    He fails at prose, he fails atmusic, he fails at line breaks…
    Is there anything this author will fail to, uh, fail at?

  5. neji7hyuga says:

    Just skimmed through and looked at things that caught my eye. Though from what I have seen, the writer should try to stick with easier to write stories. Jumping straight into crossovers is…generally not a good idea. Much too advanced for ones starting in writing.

    Better to stick with one canon if one is starting out, like the one the writer is most familiar with.

    Though based on the ending and what was said, is that “taking a hostage” thing in Trapped going to happen in the next chapter? Sounds like it is going to…since you said it does it even worse.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

    THE END OF THE FIC!?

  7. TacoMagic says:

    Not gonna lie, that Eine Kleine… Salsamusik is pretty damn catchy.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    Not a single gram of the rising excitement was dropped or ignored in respecting each and every moment during the massive reverbed sound of the anthems racing around the stadium.

    Woof.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    Great, an unsuccessful surgery AND a missed opportunity for slash. Swenia is going to be a treat to be around when we’re getting next Wednesday’s riff put together.

  10. Margolias says:

    “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

    The sweet release of death?

  11. Margolias says:

    The newcomers must have been heavy with angst from being showered in the constant cheers from the audience.

    Shall I break out the Linkin Park album?

  12. Margolias says:

    Planet of Nations

    That’s… the most generic planet of hats I’ve ever seen.


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