1137: Trapped – Chapters 1-5

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5
Critiqued by Erttheking.  Who needs a freaking drink

TRIGGER WARNING! ANYONE WHO HAS BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

Nora: *Looks up* Fucking really?

Ert: *Gags* another EP fic. Another fucking-ugh. I feel like I’m a scientist who found a Baboon in the wildness dying from an unknown disease, and it’s my duty to record every last symptom. Even as the Baboon bleeds from its eyes, leaks a sickly yellow puss from its anus and has giant red boils all over its body.

Nora: Be strong man.

Shepard: Do I HAVE to do this one?

Ert: Yes.

Shepard: I mean come on. EP wasn’t perfect. Hell, he was bad, I’ll even say that, but he wasn’t as bad as you say he is.

Ert: *Gargles mouthwash*

Nora: We’ll see about that.

Ert: *Spits* Ok. this time EP did a  40k fic. For those of you who don’t know, Warhammer 40k is a tabletop game created by Games Workshop. It’s set in the GRIMDARK 41st millennium, where mankind has formed a massive empire spanning over a million planets. Ten thousand years ago, it was ruled by the Emperor of Mankind, a powerful being born in the stone age when thousands upon thousands of human psykers sacrificed themselves to combine their souls into one, forming a mighty soul that was greater than the sum of its parts.

Ert: Eventually in the year 30,000, the Emperor united humanity under his rule in the Imperium of Man, creating twenty legions of massive super soldiers named Space Marines (And Games Workshop has copyrighted the term because…they’re evil) and twenty sons called Primarchs who were even more powerful than the Space Marines to lead the Legions in the process. Two of the legions and Primarchs were stricken from history for reasons unknown (Because you can create custom armies in 40k and GW wanted to leave the door open).

Ert: The Emperor’s ruling policy was egalitarianism, scientific progress and atheism (because he knew that gods existed and it turned out they were all assholes. What with the Gods being the CHAOS Gods and all, and he was trying to weaken them by denying them worship…didn’t work). Things were going well, until the Chaos Gods managed to corrupt nine of the eighteen remaining Primarchs because, OOPS, daddy never mentioned to his kids that there were malevolent Gods out there that wanted to kill them all.  Even the one that kept poking his head into the realm of the Chaos Gods.

Ert: This was the beginning of the Horus Heresy, in which the Emperor’s former favorite child, Horus, led eight of his brothers in rebellion along with the legions and massive swaths of humanity. The war was seven years long, pretty short by 40k standards, but it DEVASTATED making. All of the loyal Primarchs who weren’t killed in the fighting went missing shortly after, only two of the traitor Primarchs died (Horus being one of them) and the Emperor was mortally wounded in a duel with Horus.

Ert: Technically the loyalists won the Horus Heresy, but it was a very empty victory. With the Primarchs and the Emperor gone, the Imperium became a theocratic, feudal nightmare. The Emperor was worshiped as a god, despite him going out of his way to say that ISN’T what he wanted to happen. Fun fact, the holy text for the Imperium of man was written by one of the traitor Primarchs, who turned to Chaos out of desperation for someone to worship and after worshiping the Emperor…really didn’t work out.

Ert: Technology is barely understood, with only tech priests getting it to work by “appeasing the machine spirits”. The Emperor is barely alive on life support and is acting as a beacon in the Warp (the realm of chaos that’s sadly necessary for FTL travel)  and requires a thousand sacrificed souls every day to stay alive. If he dies, mankind is screwed because they need him to travel through the Warp. Theocratic nut jobs run the Imperium now, killing all those who don’t worship the Emperor or who are suspected of worshiping chaos or being an unsanctioned psyker (untrained psykers can be exploited by Daemons). Oh, and mankind is under siege from all sides by aliens that want to kill them for some reason, either because they’re seen as inferior, they’re trying to wipe out all organic life, they’re hungry or they’re just bored. And most of the traitor Primarchs and their Legions are still alive and wrecking shit.

Ert: Yeah, it sucks to live in the 41st millennium. LET’S SEE HOW EP DOES A FUCKING SELF INSERT INTO THIS UNIVERSE!

Name: Chris

Occupation: unemployed

Age: 22

Preferred weapon: boltgun, chainswaord.

Nora: Oh a chainswaord. Those are really hard to master. Also, EP hasn’t even fucking gotten into the world of 40k and he’s already saying what his preferred weapons are. Not even trying is he? Oh yeah, and Chris is EP’s actual name. No denying the fact that this is a self insert.

Info: Chris is a former college student that has somehow found his way into the 41st millennium.

Shepard: Well, at least there’s no random teleporters. Yet.

Name: Selena Yamari

Occupation: Inquisitor

Preferred weapon: Power sword and bolt pistol.

Ert: Ah, an Inquisitor. What Ordo is she in? Xenos? Malleus? Hereticus? (Each Inquisitor belongs to an Ordo or an order. Xeno deals with aliens, Malleus with Daemons and Hereticus are witch hunters). Oh…there’s not one given. See, for someone who’s supposed to be a big fan of 40k like EP sometimes says he is, he kind of misses little details like saying what the Inquisitor’s JOB is.

Info: A voluptuous Inquisitor, Selena has the mind of seeing the grey area and uses it like some inquisitors.

Nora: *Smacks face* Of course. We don’t know her position, but we know she has big tits. EP writing at its finest.

Ert: At least it showed that she’s a radical Inquisitor instead of a puritan one. Though radical Inquisitors are usually shown as trying to defeat mankind’s enemies through extreme use of alien or Chaos artifacts that have a heavy chance of backfiring. Why is it I get the feeling this one is going to be more watered down than that?

Name: Vilana Kiross

Occupation: heavy weapons expert

Preferred weapon: heavy bolter

Info: a sisters of battle maiden. Vilana was a Cadian born but was brought up in one of the chapels of the sisters of battle. She was selected to be part of Selena’s group for her knowledge about weapons.

Shepard: Knowledge about weapons? Isn’t the Imperium so war crazed that they can’t actually count the number of foot soldiers they have?

Ert: Estimated to be in the trillions, but yeah. Throw a rock into a crowd and odds are you’ll hit someone that knows about weapons.

Name: Mikana Filanx

Occupation: sniper

Preferred weapon: long-shot lasgun sniper rifle.

Nora: HA! A lasgun! Have fun killing things with your flashlight lady! Seriously, lasguns are, at best, equal to modern day weapons. Lets just say that really doesn’t hold up in 40k, and you need more things like bolters, guns that shoots .75 caliber rocket propelled grenades.  The only reason lasguns are so popular is that they’re cheap, they can easily be recharged and they’re reliable.  The appeal to them is that making trillions of them to arm humanity’s massive army is actually possible.  That and they’re a bit more effective when used in massive amounts.

Info: a felinid sniper, Mikana is one of the few felines that can leave their homeworld. She is a very loyal soldier and has superior nose and ears.

Shepard: The hell is a Felinid?

Ert: Unno. The only canon information on them is this.

The Felinids, also known as Homo Sapien Hirsutus, are a recognized strain of Abhuman within the Imperium. They are restricted to the world of Carlos McConnell.

Ert: Hold on, let me check fanon…oh. They’re cat girls…oh yeah I forgot to mention. This is a HAREM story. EP. Self insert. Harem. Yeah. If it’ll make you feel any better, there’s no real canon information on the Felinids, so I prefer to think that this video captures them perfectly.

Ert: Note that EP seemed to work his way into the video at 1:13

Name: Kimsa Yangari

Occupation: cultural expert

Preferred weapon: shotgun

Nora: Cultural expert, HA! As if the Imperium cares. Their policy for dealing with Xenos is “Do we absolutely NEED to work with them to survive? If the answer is no, kill them all.”  And sometimes when the answer is yes they try to kill them anyway.

Info: A former princess of a feudal world Kimsa didn’t really care for her royal/ noble blood and was more interested in culture. Because of her extensive knowledge Selena had her join so that she would get to her mission done faster.

Shepard: A princess on a backwater planet has extensive knowledge into culture? I…ugh. Ok, ok, so EP is rather divorced from reality, he’s still not the anti-christ.

Ert: Just you wait. Also, a nun, a catgirl, a big breasted Inquisitor and a princess are all on EP’s to fuck list. Charming. And a shotgun? A regular ass shotgun? This is the personal party of an INQUISITOR! Why do these people have so many shitty weapons!?

Name: Zemus Orica

Occupation: minor Psyker/ pilot

Preferred weapon: laspistol, auto pistol, plasma pistol

Nora: Preferred weapons are pistol, pistol and pistol. Because that makes sense. Doesn’t exactly sound like she’s dual wielding them, and what is she going to do when she gets into a situation where a pistol doesn’t bloody cut it?

Ert: Also, in order, that pistol is shit, that pistol is shit, that pistol is pretty damn powerful but be careful you don’t overheat it if you value your hand.

Info: orphaned at a young age Zemus is an Amazonian woman who joined up with the navy and gained respect for being a brilliant pilot. She was recruited by Selena to get her where she needed.

Nora: Considering EP’s previous works with the word “Amazonian” I have very real concerns that this woman will have a dick. I apologize to all Hermaphrodites in the audience.

Shepard: I-WHAT!? Is he just writing badly done porn at this point?

Ert: Basically.

“Thank mate.” Chris said as he left the shop with a full bag.

Chris was a former college student who was looking for work.

Ert: I’m gonna be mean. He doesn’t say college graduate, he says “former college student” Show of hands, who thinks EP is a college dropout? I sure as fuck do.

But that didn’t necessary mean that he couldn’t have any fun. He had bought several 40k models along with paint brushes, paint and a codex rulebook. He had stopped playing for while as such he needed to update. As he put his headphones in a thunderclap then scared him half to death. Sighing he moved along the street. That was close as the downpour continued.

Nora: So a few models and a rulebook. That’ll set him back a couple hundred pounds.

Shepard: WHAT!?

Ert: Games Workshop is currently run by douchebags. It’s why I’ll play the many video games and read the books that are from 40k, but I will never play the tabletop game. The prices are absurd.

He made his way to a traffic light in order to cross to get to a bus stop. But as she stood next to it a lightning bolt hit the object and the lightning hit him. He screamed out in pain but while it lasted for a few moments it then disappeared, as did Chris but not his bag which fell to the floor.

Shepard: Well that was rather quick.

Nora: No kidding. Fuck build up, he likes 40k. That’s all you need to know, now into the 40k verse.

Ert: Via lightning bolt. Herr is still the most novel way into another universe, playing a piano for twelveish hours straight until you hallucinate from the experience.

OOOOO

“Ha come and get it Xenos scum.” cried a sister of battle welding a heavy bolter.

Bolter rounds flew through the air before impacting the wrathbone of Eldar armour. The sister laughed out loud as the Eldar fell back thanks to her bolter fire. But from a raised position on a hill not too far away a hooded Eldar ranger took aim at the sister. But unknown to him a woman in the threes had already got a feed on him and aimed her sniper at him. She smiled and fired first to get his attention.

Shepard: So they’re fighting Eldar?

Ert: Yup. Eldar are rather elvish with a good deal of technology that is more advanced than the Imperium and egos the size of small moons. They used to rule the galaxy but their empire fell after they accidentally created the fourth Chaos God (Long story) and now they’re fragmented, most of them living in giant moon sized starships called Craftworlds. Also if they can save a hundred Eldar by causing a million humans to die, they will do it without a second thought.

The Ranger looked up at her only to be met by a red bolt in the face. She smiled as a tail behind her waved in the air.

Nora: Yeah, no, fuck you. Eldar have a very unique way of learning combat, in that they go down “paths” and have it imprinted on them. The good news is that it causes them to be stupidly good at whatever they were specialized at, with the downside being that they’re hopeless in all other fields. There’s a sayings. Six Space Marines and six Eldar fight. The Space Marines kill five of the Eldar, and the last Eldar kills the Space Marines.

Ert: And this is a Ranger. Rangers have been known to pin down entire COLUMNS of infantry. Standard operating procedure for dealing with them is an ARTILLERY STRIKE! What’s more, Rangers have stealth cloaks, ones so effective that they actually can’t see beyond it and have to rely on psyker powers to know where they’re going. And this stupid fucking catgirl somehow magically knew where this master sniper was. Because HUMANITY, FUCK LOGIC! That’s assuming that her crummy little rifle would do anything to the Ranger’s armor, WHICH I DOUBT!

Behind the sister another women came up. She was dressed in a long red coat with an armoured corset on and thigh-high boots on. She welded a bolt pistol in one hand and a power sword in the other. She aimed at the fleeing Eldar and fired two rounds. Both of them hit the Eldar squad leader in the back killing him dead.

Shepard: Do bolt rounds piercing Eldar armor make more sense?

Ert: I’ll allow it. Still, Eldar RUNNING!?  NOPE! NOOOOOOO!

Nora:  And killing him dead.  As opposed to killing him alive.

Unknown to her a warp spider was in the trees and looked down on her for a moment before jumping. But before he landed on her a loud bang sounded causing him to fly backwards into the trees. She pulled the pump back as she moved up next to the coated woman. This one wore Cadian flak armour and tunic but without the selves and a shotgun shell bandoleer across her large chest.

Ert: FUCKING WHAT!? WHAT!? Warp Spiders teleport to their enemies, kill them, then teleport away before anyone can retaliate. They always ambush their enemies, and yet somehow EP’s future fuck toy managed to magically find it? EP, all of your fuck toys can’t know where all the enemy soldiers are hiding just because you want to deny the reality that realistically the Eldar should be butchering them all. And a shotgun wouldn’t do shit against regular Eldar armor, Warp Spiders have heavier armor than usual. In fact, let’s watch a video of a Warp Spider killing A SPACE MARINE!

Nora: Frankly that entire video shows Space Marines fighting Eldar and taking heavy losses in the process. I consider it relevant. At the beginning a Ranger headshots a Space Marine before the Marine even knew he was there.

The last of the Eldar fled into the trees allowing the women to form up. The sister then stopped firing her heavy bolter but kept a look out just in case they where going to get ambushed.

Ert: So who is she shooting at exactly?

“Unyaaaaaa.” the sniper said as she stretched out after jumping down from the three she was on.

She was a Felinid, a…catgirl to be accurate. She was one of the few allowed to leave her planet but the reason was not well known.

Ert:…So I say if it’s an anime trope that’s watered down and pandering and full of stupid bullshit, we call it animu. This is animu right here. Oh and the reason she was permitted to leave? So EP could fuck her. Also, catgirl to be accurate? EP, proper terminology is something you freaking suck at. Mainly because you seem to think animu terms can be used to describe medical conditions.

“Good shot as always Mikana.” said the coated woman.

“Thank you Selena, or should I say inquisitor?” the catgirl said purring.

Nora: Oh Christ. I don’t want to judge but what is the appeal of this? Not of being attracted to something with a tail or fur, oddly enough I get that. No, what is the appeal of something ACTING LIKE THIS!?  Puring, acting cutesy, saying “Unyaaaaaa”, it’s fucking annoying!

The woman with the shotgun just sighed. She was Kimsa Yangari, a former princess but after a rebellion she was little more the a peasant bur she didn’t care much as she had already joined the guard as a cultural expert.

Shepard: Wait a rebellion?

Ert: Yeah, an actually interesting story might go into detail about that, but EP just wanted an excuse to get a princess to fuck.

Shepard: Going a little overboard aren’t you?

Ert: Only a little.

Mikana was dressed in a tank top and camo trousers to blend in.

Nora: Yeah, no one will spot her in that camp tank top.

but there where holes so that her tail could move. The others shook their heads as her cat ears began to twitch.

“Huh? Something coming.” she said.

“TANK!” the battle sister yelled running toward them as fast as her legs would carry her.

Ert: It’s Sister of Battle, not battle sister EP, for god’s sake. Would it kill you to do a LITTLE research?

The other three turned to see an Eldar Fire prism tank smashing though the trees.

Ert: Yeah, see, this is what I mean. A prism tank isn’t a front line battle tank. It’s a tank designed to kill another tanks, mainly by snipping them at a distance. Fuck’s sake

“Oh Emperors teeth.” Selena moaned.

Nora: Yeah, I can hear him grinding them in anger.

The main cannon fired, the energy projectile missed and allowed the four to find cover and hide.

Shepard: A tank blast missed? Not even the explosion got them?

Ert: EP doesn’t want his sex dolls hurt.

Aside for the heavy bolter they had little to take on a tank. Bolters even heavy bolters where not the best idea to take the beast on. But Selena had her finger on her ear. Soon the sound of jets sounded in their ears.

“Unyaaa finally.” Mikana said as she watched as a Valkyrie came into sight.

Nora: Please tell me that “unyaaa” stuff isn’t supposed to be cute. It’s rather childish.

The tank baked a bit as the gunship came in and fired a salvo of storm bolter fire. The rounds bounced off the armour as the main gun charged up. But when it fire the gunship rolled to the side before it fired three rockets. All of them hit the mark and the tank exploded sending wrathbone armour everywhere.

Ert: Yeah, see, this is why a prism tank wouldn’t be bum rushing the front lines. I’d also like to know exactly how the Eldar didn’t notice a gunship in the distance, they’re not exactly subtle. But it’s an EP fic, threatening antagonists aren’t allowed.

“Good shot Zemus.” Selena said with a smirk on her face.

Shepard:…*Sigh*. I do have to admit that does get rather annoying.

“No problem I’ll keep the air clear, by the way I’ve picked up a power surge where the webway gate is. But the odd thing is that the Eldar haven’t left yet.” Zemus said over the comm.

“Copy and thanks.” Selena said as the gunship flew away. “Something up move with caution.”

Ert: I have nothing to back this up, but I’m pretty sure Humanity doesn’t know how the Eldar FTL network works. It took the Emperor decades to understand it, and he took the knowledge with him when he was nearly killed.

OOOOO

“Farseer we cannot determine what is causing the fluctuation.” one of the Guardian squad leaders.

“I can see that,” the Farseer said looking at the webway gate.

Farseer Valnran had been on this hell hole of a planet for too long and she wanted to get back as soon as she could.

Ert: Oh Christ, not a Farseer. They’re among the most powerful Psykers in the Eldar race, they can kill people with their bloody brains. And I just know EP is going to fuck this up too, making it so that the Inquisitor’s half assed team will kick her ass.

Humans where so naive about what was on this planet that they deserved to die. Filthy beings, but she had to give credit where it was due, they where stubborn and tough.

Nora: No dear, it’s just lazy writing.

The Webway had been fluctuating for the last hour so whatever was wrong with it must be due to something trying to come in or something else.

Shepard: Uh, I don’t see the connection between the Eldar Webway and being hit by lightning.

Ert: That’s because there isn’t one.

The thing was that she had never heard about Webways acting like this. Just then gunfire came from the tree line. It came so fast that her last group of Guardians fell without hesitation.

Ert: Christ the Eldar in this story are getting the shaft

Valnran took cover behind a rockcreet barricade that an old human force left behind. She only had a group of Rangers who had taken cover in the trees.

Nora: Oh, well this fight should be over in three seconds. A few well placed shots and the Inquisitor’s team is done for. Oh right, Eldar aren’t allowed to do anything in this story.

The fire continued as a human female walked out holding a heavy bolter in hand.

She had stopped firing but had he weapon trained on the Farseer.

“Surrender witch we have you surrounded.” she said.

Nora: At least from this side!

The Farseer could not help but let her mouth curl into a smile as she still had her Rangers in the trees. But just then the sound of gunfire met her ears. She looked to her left where the Rnagers had gone to see slug thrower flashes in the darkness of the trees and feared the worst. When the firing stopped a moment latter, she watched as a large muscular human holding two auto pistols in hand come out followed by the feared Catachan jungle fighters.

Shepard: Why is this woman on a mission against advanced Eldar forces using guns that are basically 21st century pistols? Weapons are are more commonly used by poor Planetary defense forces and gangs in 40k?

Ert: Because EP doesn’t do research.  Also that was the pilot.  Meaning she somehow landed her massive gunship and crept up on the expert Eldar snipers without them noticing and killed them with shitty pistols because fuck logic.

She could just surrender she had to do something.

Ert: How about kill them all with your brain? You’re a fucking Farseer. You’re an Eldar HERO UNIT!

Normally she would have senses them but thanks to something on this world her senses where dulled. Just as she was about to move she felt a steel sword press against her neck. Looking up she saw the female Inquisitor who had been hunting her.

“If you value your life you will surrender.” the Inquisitor said.

Nora: Blink and make her head explode!

The Farseer just looked at the human with death in her eyes before dropping her sword. With that she stood as two more human came from the treeline followed by Hazard suited Caidans. One of then had a tail and cat ears. That was odd normally those abhumans where kept on their world. But the Farsser then knew that this Inquisitor had her surrounded.

Ert:…Oh don’t tell me. Do NOT tell me that EP is going to have one of the most powerful beings in the 40k universe suck his dick.

OOOOO

Selena smiled as she took out a pair of cuffs that prevented from the Eldar using their Pyker powers.

Ert: You mean the ones that don’t fucking exist? Yes, the Imperium has ways to suppress the power of Psykers. They do NOT have ways to surprises Psykers as powerful as fucking Farseers.  The only thing I can think of is a Blank, a person who can shut down all Psyker abilities around him, but none of the Inquisitor’s party members are blanks.  Mainly because Blanks are emotionally dead and may be rather smelly, so I doubt EP would like them.  (Oh, and the big muscular woman is from a planet where they refuse to bathe.  I think EP missed the memo on that one.)

She forced the Eldar to tun and cuff her hands behind her back before letting the Catachaian Jungle fighters lave with her. She then turned to the Cadain Sargent with fury in her eyes.

“I TOLD YOU TO HOLD POSSITION!” she yelled as she walked up to him.

Shepard: What position? It feels like she’s yelling for no reason.

Nora: She is. Oh God, please don’t tell me this is going to be a Tsundere, we have enough animu with the cat girl thank you very much.

The other Cadians backed up a bit as they knew her temper. The Sargent just stood there looking at her.

“And I told you that I doubted the Xenos would double back!” the Sargent said back. “They are aliens, animals and must be treated as such. And I refuse to take orders form a subhuman!”

Ert: Cadians are people from the planet Cadia, which is essentially the front line against Chaos. They are raised from birth to be soldiers and wouldn’t make rookie mistakes like that.

Mikana hissed in annoyance as the fire in the Inquisitors eyes burned even brighter. She pulled out her bolt pistol and aimed it at his chest.

“I have the authority and the right to kill you now! But your skills are not in question, as such…” she said lowing her pistol. “…you’d better hope that I do not find a better replacement.”

Nora: First of all, the subhuman wasn’t giving him any orders. Second of all, Inquisitor, what are you going to kill him for? Not liking abhumans? That’s the Imperium’s doctrine “suffer not the alien, the mutant, the heretic”. The only reason some abhumans are allowed to live in the Imperium is because of the use that they provide in battle.

“Huph.” was all the Sargent said.

Just then the fluctuation of the Webway portal began to glow purple making people take notice. It then glowed red, then green then blue. The portal flashed between these four colours fast making the soldiers back up until they where almost at the treeline. It then turned white before firing something out of it before shutting down. The object it flew and landed in a heap by the ruin. Once it landed the Hazard Cadians moved up fast lasguns up.

Shepard: While nothing important is going on, something confuses me. Inquisitors don’t just go running off to the front line of a random war willy nilly. What brought this Inquisitor here?

Ert: EP’s cock.

Shepard: Seriously man.

Ert: EP didn’t giver her a reason, he wants to fuck her, that’s basically what brought her here.

But as soon as the object was in sight they could see that it was human, or at least looked like it. Whoever it was wore a back top with a hood attached and urban camo trousers and combat boots. Interested Selena came up as well to get a good look. One of the Cadian turned the person over to see that it was a young man barely in is twenties. But his clothing chose questioned her. Why would anyone ware something like that?

Nora: I don’t know why someone would “ware” something like that.

“Is he alive?” she asked.

The Cadian laid his lasgun down and pressed two fingers on his neck.

“Yeah he’s still alive.” he said before he spied a wire.

Ert: I’d also like to know where these people are, why they were fighting Eldar and what the Eldar were trying to accomplish. But I doubt we’ll get any satisfying answers.

He followed it to an ear piece. Was he taking orders? He then followed it the opposite way until he came to a box of some kind. One side was silver while the other side, he touched it and a screen came up in a language he didn’t understand. So he put it back before looking up at the Inquisitor.

“What should we do with him?” he asked.

“Leave him he has no…” the Sargent tried to say but the Inquisitor fired a round by his foot making him shut up.

Shepard: Oh come on lady. Was nearly taking a man’s foot off really needed?

Ert: The word “Tsundere” keeps repeating over and over in my head and it makes me want to cry.

“Bring him I have questions.” she said before Zemus came in over the comm.

“I’m on the way.” she said with the Inquisitor nodding.

Nora: Nodding to the person that can’t see you. Brilliant.

OOOOO

Inquisitor’s personal ship was a light scouting vessel, a Viper-class Scout ship, was at the planetary port. She wasn’t one to wave her Inquisitional title around and liked to keep a low profile. A Viper-class was her preference.

Ert: An Inquisitor that doesn’t like to wave her title around HA! Good one! What’s more, a quick google search will reveal that Viper-class ships are very small and limited starships, only good for heading into specific areas. I’d think an Inquisitor would want something more flexible.

The Ship was named ‘Fury of the sun’. She liked the name as did her command team. Zemus flew into the hanger with the Arvus lighter transport filled with the command team and Cadians and their new guest.

Nora: They like the name of the ship? Ok, we can all rest easy now.

On they had landed the Cadians left first and headed to the barracks while the command team rolled a stretcher out of the ship with their new guest on it. Three Hospitaller stood waiting for them and moved up to the mobile stretcher and looked at the boy.

“He’s young.” the lead said as she took a blood sample.

“Yeah, get him to medical let me know if you find anything.” Selena said with the lead nodding.

Shepard: Wait, Hospitalers?  The branch of the Sisters of Battle that focus on healing? More nuns? Around EP…oh boy.

OOOOO

Selena sat in her room looking over a book and sighed. The planet they where on was little more then an industrial feudal world that had called for help against the Eldar. No one knew why the Eldar was there as such, not wanting another Aurelian incident the Inquisition sent her to deal with it. She had also been informed that the 56th Cadian was nearby and would be able to help out if she needed it.

Ert: The only thing I can find for Aurelian is a novel set in the Horus Heresy. It had nothing to do with the Eldar.

Just then the internal comm activated.

“Inquisitor you may want to come here, its about our new guest.” said the lead Hospitaller.

“I’m on my way.” the Inquisitor said before she put the book down and stood.

She walked out the door and into the hallway. She turned and walked down it to the lift to get there faster. Making it to the lift she entered and clicked it for level 4.

Nora: Having you walk all the way across the ship is far more convent than just telling you what the problem is.

OOOOO

The lead Hospitaller just looked at the boy her face was utterly confused. The Inquisitor walked in and looked at the boy who was now half naked.

“So what did you want?” Selena asked.

“He is not from the Imperium.” the Hospitaller said.

Shepard: Uh, how does she know this?

Selena turned to her eyes wide before laughing, but then realised the Hospitaller wasn’t smiling.

“His DNA clearly shows no evolutionary progress.

Ert: Oh you are too freaking technologically backwater to even bother looking for something like that.

Even though humanity has changed based on the planets we have inhabited, but there is a consistency throughout humanity of evolution. His evolutionary progress ends at M3.”

Ert: And you most certainly do not have freaking records going back that far. If they weren’t all destroyed by the Horus Heresy, they would’ve been wiped out during the 5,000 years when all human planets were cut off from each other by massive warpstorms before the Emperor made his appearance.

“M3?” Selena exploded. “That’s years before the Dark age of technology.”

“Yes and if memory serves correctly they didn’t even colonise Mars. Imagine what he could tell us.”

Nora: Nothing of value.

Fury of the sun mobile force:

20 Elite Cadian guardsmen.

2 Cadian commanders.
3 Elysian heavy bolter teams.

3 Elysian sniper teams.

8 Elysian commandos.

2 Elysian Turos assault vehicle.

9 Catachan jungle fighters.

7 Storm troopers.

3 Armageddon-pattern basilisk.

6 Chimera transports.

4 Leman russ battle tanks.

3 hydra tanks.

6 Taurox Primes.

5 Sentinels.

5 Valkyrie gunships.

5 Valkyrie troop carriers

4 Arvus lighter.

6 Thunderbolt fighters.

2 Marauder bombers.

2 Marauder destroyers.

1 Stromblade.

1 Baneblade.

Ert: A Baneblade and a Stormblade, tanks that size of city blocks, on a scout ship. HA! HA HA! No. Also she has around a platoon of infantry, barely any. She also has three artillery units, twelve APCs, seven tanks, five walkers, five gunships, ten fighters, a four bombers and the aforementioned block sized tanks. All of which supports a single platoon of infantry. Jesus fucking Christ EP, you have no idea how logistics work.

The local guard forces patrolled the walls of the capitol city keeping an eyes out. Heavy bolter turrets and lascannon turrets. This allowed them to take on both infantry and tanks. Spotlights where on top of the towers keeping an eye out for any aircraft. The soldiers wore uniforms similar to Cadian uniforms as they where easier and cheaper to make and buy. But unlike the Cadians each one of them was equipped with autoguns which they where more experienced with and knew how to use.

Nora: What city? And yeah, the most effective method of detecting aircraft. Spotlights. Because radar is for squares. Also, you’re using autoguns, which are less effective than lasguns in every way, but you’re more experienced with them. I guess the lack of recoil on lasguns makes things too easy for you.

Kimsa walked through the market street observing as much as she could. The place was close to Tau territory

Ert: Ok, what are Cadians doing all the way near Tau territory? And for the record, what are the Eldar doing there? You can’t just stuff everything into one spot, you need to establish shit.

and that could be seen with some of the stuff the space traders where selling.

Ert: Space traders…oh for fuck’s sake. Are you talking about Rogue Traders? Because they’re the only ones allowed to trade freely in the interplanetary market. Legally anyway.

But the local guard soon had them arrested.

Shepard: Huh. Guess they weren’t.  Still “space traders” is highly generic.

She made a mental not of that. Since the planet had no Adeptus Arbites the guard needed to take policing until Arbites could be trained. This planet was on the outskirts of the Imperium as such they couldn’t get much to them. Learning about thins kind of culture was always interesting.

Nora: The culture on planet insert name here. And the culture about upholding basic Imperial law. Namely if you don’t have the blessing of the Lords of Terra, you can only trade along pre-set trade routes.

But just then her ear piece chimed and Selena’s voice came in.

“Kimsa I need you back now.” the Inquisitor demanded.

“Ahhh why?” Kimsa moaned.

“I… need your cultural expertise, the ‘guest’ we have is from M3.”

Kimsa stopped in her track and ran towards the Inquisitional ship.

Ert: Yes person from a backwater planet, I need your cultural expertise about a civilization that existed 38,000 years ago and all records of which most likely would’ve been destroyed. I smart good.

OOOOO

Sargent Stolhome was the Cadian squad leader. He was more of a noble then anyone else and saw everyone as inferior to him.

Ert: Cadians DON’T FUCKING OPERATE THAT WAY! They’re military born, through and through. They don’t have civilians. They have Reserves. And if this was a blue blood Sergeant (NOT FUCKING SARGENT!) he would be in an ALL blue blood unit. Regiments are formed by pulling from the same pool of recruits, you know, so that they’ll work together well. Also here’s EP’s superb characterization at work again. He thinks he’s better than everyone else because nobility. 40k has actually done interesting things with nobles in its world you twit.

Now normally the inquisition didn’t want someone like this as it would make talks hard. But he was chosen for his leadership skills and combat prowess. While he was still a Sargent his dereliction of orders prevented him from gaining a higher rank. But to him it showed how ignorant how much people are.

Ert: I have no fucking idea what that paragraph tries to say, because EP’s relationship with the English language can be charitably described as loose.

Shepard: It’s not that bad…ok yes it is.

Nora: Combat prowess? Congrats, every Cadian that was ever born has that too. And if he was still a Sergeant and well regarded he would be a Veteran Sergeant, which would give him access to high tech toys.

He checked his lasgun as the Catachan Sargent came in.

“Stolhome, the Inquisitor is requesting your presence.” he said.

Stolhome sighed and stood.

Nora: Well that scene added a lot. The one dimensional bigot really held the whole story together.

OOOOO

Selena sat at the top of a wooden table with the Commanders of her mobile force on both sides. The two Cadian commanders sat opposite each other. One of them had a scar across his face with a patch covering his left eye. This was Hazer Kroger, he was selected by the Inquisitor for his commander and leadership skills. Unlike other commanders he was an infantry commander and preferred the might of guns over tanks.

Shepard: I’m pretty sure infantry commanders commonly prefer their infantry to tanks. It’s just what comes natural. Also, it seems like every other character has leadership skills that we’re not really seeing.

His opposite was Cadian as well but was a well drilled tank Commander named Esering Milna. Unlike his opposite he believed in the might of Imperial tanks.

Shepard: You know, Tanks are not superior to infantry, nor the other way around. They are different units for different situations. You cannot storm a building with tanks, not can you break through an armored line with tanks. What’s more, tanks tend to work with infantry. Spearheading their way through enemy lines so that infantry can slip through and wreck havoc behind enemy lines.

Next to him was Magos Flutna, he was give to her as it was more or less required by all Inquisitional forces had to have the Mechanicus presence. As such the Magos was the head of her mechanical teams. Then opposite him was Ti’sola the chief Hospitoler.

Ert: All of these characters and more, will not be receiving any in depth characterization.

She was once part of the order of the rose battle sister order but was forced into Selena’s group after the part of her order was destroyed by a ork hoard. Next to her was Stolhome, he was the leader of the land forces when the Commander wasn’t needed.

“Ok so I’m assuming that you have all heard about our guest.” Selena spoke.

Nora: Yes Inquisitor. An Eldar Farseer. WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING!? She could rip open a portal to the Warp and set an army of Daemons on all of us! She would die, but at this point she might consider that a fair price to pay!

Ert: Oh not her, the random bumblefuck we picked up.

Nora:…Seriously? We’re just ignoring the Farseer?

Everyone just nodded except for the Sargent.

“I highly doubt that claim.” he just whispered.

Shepard: No one made a claim. Is this man’s purpose in the story just to say “I doubt X” every five seconds?

“Ti’sona, what information do you have?”

The Hositoler picked up a few papers in front of her and began to read.

“From the bloods samples, bone fragments and other fluid in his body, it shows that the years of medical that we have been through does not show within his system.

Ert: Medical? What the hell is medical and why would it be in his blood? Medical technology? He could be from a feudal world where such technology was nonexistant.

We have found several baser chemical’s for deceases that we have not seen for years. His body also shows no genetic tampering,

Ert: One, what chemicals would just disappear? Two, the majority of humans in the 40k universe are unaugmented. A lack of tampering would only be noteworthy if you thought he was a Space Marine.

we have run other tests on him but we have found little to prove that he is not from M3. We have already gave him standard vaccinations. He does not any signs or being reactive or allergic to the chemicals but I want to keep an eye on him for a few days.” Ti’sona said calmly.

Nora: Well, he got vacines. At least EP isn’t a total moron…except for the fact that if there were any diseases that would’ve made their way onto the ship from the galaxy trotting that all the crew did, or just from the planet’s surface that already made their way into his body those vaccines wouldn’t have done jack. You know what, forget I said anything.

Selena nodded but the Magos spoke up.

“I’m more interested in this box device he has. I wish for it to be handed to me.” he said.

“Normally I would allow it but, he’s new, he may take it the wrong way… so no.” Selena said.

Shepard: Why are you denying your tech expert the chance to investigate EP’s toys? Are you afraid that he’ll give you answers that might explain things? Why is him being new a reason to deny it? He’ll take it the wrong way? So?

“So be it but there is a problem that we have.”

“Language.” Hanzer said,

“Ha what he doesn’t speck low gothic? Pathetic.” Stolhome laughed.

Ert:…Do I even need to mock that sentence? Ok how about this. If this guy really was a blue blood, he would speak HIGH gothic and most likely not know a word of low gothic. And if he had picked it up from his career as a soldier, he still would’ve had to learn it as a second language. And most likely would be unable to read it. So once again, EP fails at research. (Incidentally, High Gothic is essentially Latin and Low Gothic is a form of Latin that has decayed and been altered over the millennia)

“It’s no surprise to me.” Ti’sona said. “He is a primitive form of humanity, as such the language is likely going to primitive as well. If we take the baser forms of low gothic and use it on him. We will then see which one he reacts too and go from there.”

Shepard: At least someone is being a little bit logical.

Selena nodded at that. “Seems like a good idea, have Kimsa join you, she’ll provide insight.”

“Ok but what should we call him until we get his real name?” Esering asked.

“Why not M3?” the Magos asked. “Given the situation with him I believe it’s appropriate.”

Nora: I think “You” would’ve sufficed.

“Agreed.” everyone except for the Sargent said.

“Magos I want you to investigate how someone from the third millennium can get here through a webway gate.” Selena said in a serious tone.

“That technology is heretical, but I understand, I will pray on it and investigate.”

Ert: Heretical? Yes Tech Priests consider technology that isn’t approved to be heretical, namely anything that wasn’t perfected centuries ago. But that’s just it. This technology was made by man 38,000 years ago. A Tech Priest wouldn’t call it heretical. He’d be jizzing his pants to get his hands on it! He’d consider it HOLY! FUCK’S SAKE EP! DO YOU EVEN CARE!?

OOOOO

Kimsa just looked into the room with M3 in. She was drooling all over the window to the room. Ooo how she wanted to talk to him now and pick that beautiful brain for all the information about their past.

Ert: Oh good Christ, he hasn’t even woken up yet and the members of his harem are already literally drooling all over him.

But then damn door was locked preventing her from getting in. She wanted in, and wanted in now. Ti’sona came to to the cultural expert and tapped her on the shoulder making the former princess just look at her.

“I know how much you want to talk to him, but we are going to keep him under until tomorrow.” she said before one of the doctors came running up to her.

Shepard: Not that there’s a reason mind you.

“Ti’sona, I noticed something odd so I ran another batch of tests. It seems that his muscles have been growing abnormally.” she said.

With this the two ran back to the medical bay.

Ert: Oh great, the lightning bolt/webway is going to be making EP buff. This really is a sex fantasy for him. Might as well staple his face to a cover of Conan the Barbarian.

OOOOO

Selena looked over the paper over what the doctors found.

“Muscle growth, huh odd.” she whispered.

“I believe its because of webway travel. I highly doubt that webways where made to making people from travelling into the past to here.” Ti’sona said.

Nora: They were made for causing muscle growth though.

“Your hiding something.”

“sigh’ I think that Chaos may have something to do with this.”

Ert: OH! So this kid’s been touched by Chaos. EP, if this story of yours was halfway realistic, the Inquisitor would’ve blown your insert’s head off with her bolter at this point. Chaos is a huge fucking no-no.

The inquisitor looked up. “That’s a very serious charge.”

“I know but, they might not have done it willingly, however I think waking him up tomorrow would be the best idea.”

Shepard: The evil gods just accidentally transported someone to the 40k world? And gave him muscles?

OOOOO

The boy with his clothing back on was laid on the table with Ti’sona inside while Selena, Kimsa, Mikana and Stolhome watched from the observing room. The Hospitoler took a syringe and injected it into the boy’s neck.

OOOOO

Ert: Well that scene was needed.

Chris moaned as his eyes started open slowly, but he almost immediately closed them thanks to a bright being shined in his eyes. He grunted and over his eyes as his sight began to clear up. A woman in a world war one like nurses outfit came into sight. Her face looked like a models face with her darkish skintone refection the light and her purple eyes looking down on him…purple. He reacted fast and jumped and wrapped his arm around her neck.

Nora: Because nurses that constantly treat grizzly injuries on the front lines of ten thousand horrific different wars are hot. Just like they say at the recruitment center. “No uglies allowed”

He moved so fast that he didn’t realise where his arm was. That when he heard a door open and two soldiers holding familiar looking weapons at him. Trying to find something he reached behind him and grabbed something before bringing it to the woman’s neck. He now had a hostage,

Ert: Well isn’t EP just a fucking bastion of likability. No idea what’s going on? Take a hostage. This’ll convince your host that the correct course of action isn’t to blow your fucking head off.

something he didn’t want but still he had. The door opened again and a large breasted woman with a tank top on came running out and pushed the weapons the soldiers had away saying something. She then turned to him and said something.

Ert: And he’s in an unknown situation, scared for his life and the only thing he notices about the woman in front of him IS THAT SHE HAS BIG TITS! Why is it I get the feeling this guy could get stuck in a zombie apocalypse and would focus on the size of the tits on the zombies.

Chris blinked a few more times before his vision cleared. His eyes nearly came out of his head as he saw two Imperial guardsmen in red and back uniforms pointing lasguns at him. Somehow he got transported to the warhammer 40k universe,

Shepard: He certainly made that jump rather quickly. You’re supposed to build up to it, not have people just realize it. For someone who claims to be a big fan of Mass Vexations, he didn’t really learn a lot from it.

Nora: Also, this is why you figure out what the situation is before you take a goddamn hostage you twit.

thank lighting must have had something to do with it.

Shepard: Why is he thanking the lightning? Oh. He’s not. He just can’t spell.

The woman saw this but backed a bit in case he was doing to do something.

Shepard: Doing to do something. I…what?

But Chris knew he needed to do something, latin! Latin was one of the main languages in 40k, but known as high gothic. He needed to think, what was that Legion of the dammed motto?

Ert: You could let the hostage go. But no, that would make too much sense.

OOOOO

Kimsa just looked on, this boy had one of the medical staff as a hostage. This was more or less to be expected because he was in a strange place and wanted answers. She could see his face screw up, was he trying to communicate?

Nora: Of course it’s to be expected that he took a hostage. The nurse gets taken hostage at least twice a week. We don’t post guards though, we don’t want to mess with tradition.

“I…i in ded…d..d…dedicato imperatum ……ultra articulo mortis.” he struggled to say making her eyes widen.

He then pointed to her belt buckle and said. “Astra Militarum.”

Ert: Ok, you know the title of the Imperial Guard. And?

‘How does he know this?’ she thought.

“Ok guys stand down.” she said to the guard.

“But…” one of them tired to say but she just looked at him.

“Stand down!” she said more forcefully.

Nora: He’s a bore precious little bawbe who needs to be cuddled. Who cares if he’s holding someone hostage with a random thing.

The two guards did what she said before looking at him. M3 lowered his arm to Ti’sona’s side and gave a flick of the head. Kimsa shook her head before he pointed at the two guard and the room. That when she realised what he was trying to say.

“Ok you two leave now.”

Ert: Yes, leave me alone with the unknown thing who just took a hostage and has been touched by Chaos. I WANT TO FUCK IT!

The two guards just left but waited in the observation room. Selena was watching her hand on her bolt pistol as M3 came up slowly to the door. He moved around Kimsa as she came up next to the observation room door before pushing Ti’sona inside and into Selena before he closed the door.

Shepard: Any reason for the shoving?

OOOOO

Chris watched as the doctor removed and looked at him. She didn’t look angry or anything but she did give him an uncomfortable look. Just then the other woman came up to him and began to sniff him and feel him up.

Ert: First sign of this being an EP sex fantasy. No one is mad at him for anything when they should be fucking livid. Also-WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? Groping him? I think Inquisitors like to avoid people who can’t keep their libido under control.

“Ah.” he yelled as she pulled up his t-shrit.

Placed his hand on her head and pushed her away and backed away. But she just tuned to him hungrily.

“Bloody hell,” he moaned.

Nora: So the princess has already been drooling over him and is already groping him. And she doesn’t even know his name yet and they think he’s been touched by Chaos. How long until the nun, Inquisitor, animu girl and possible dick owner get in on it?

He pinched his noise and the woman copied him. Chris just gave her an odd look before finding a seat and sat down one of his eyes still on her. He opened a draw next to him to find some paper and a quill pen. He took one a piece of paper out and placed it on the desk. But before he could so anything he heard the door open to see a tech-priest standing there. The priest held a rectangular object in his hand.

Shepard: I’m not entirely sure that anything important happened there.

He then raised his hand with the device to Chris who raised his eyebrow but stood. He walked to the cyborg and slowly took the device from his hand. It came in two pieces box and an ear piece. He slid the ear piece in his ear and found red switch on the box. Looking at the Tech-priest he pointed to the switch to which the priest nodded.

Chris then switched the switch before looking at the Priest.

“Can you understand me?” he asked.

Ert: Ok, so the Tech Priest just came out of nowhere with a random thing that allows EP to speak Low Gothic. Because why not.

OOOOO

“Can you understand me?” M3 asked and Kimsa squealed in delight.

“Yay we can talk toy you now!” she cried jumping on him.

Nora: I legitimately can’t tell if that’s EP’s horrible writing or his attempt to make a cutesy character. Either way its an eyesore.

“Ahhhh.” he yelled as she wrapped herself around his wait.

“Come on get off please.” he said.

“Kimas get off him please.” Selena requested.

Shepard: Why did this woman who nearly amputated someone’s foot earlier just ask nicely here?

The Cultural expert made a face at her but related and backed off. But then M3 looked to Selena.

“So I can assume your the Inquisitor?”

Ert: When was it ever established that there was an Inquisitor here in the first place?

All eyes then turned to him.

“Your from M3 how do you know that?”

“Because all of this used to be a game to me.”

Ert: Ok, best case scenario, they would laugh at him. Worst case scenario, they would shoot him in the face for saying something so heretical. The idea that their world is just a game. This is why most self insert characters keep where they’re really from a secret. Because when you say it out loud, you sound fucking insane.

In a cave deep inside the Taina mountains rooms with gold, and silver decorated the walls and ceiling.

Nora: I’ve never seen walls decorated with gold and silver rooms before.

In a large chamber with a pit at the fat end was filled with gold at the sides. A statue of a tall female figure with four arms and inverted legs with hooves as feet.

Ert: Please tell me this isn’t another one of EP’s fetishes.

Her head had long crests spreading out and into the rock. Two of her arms where outstretched with long nails. She also had two more arms under her normal ones. These arms where spread out to the side but instead of hands they where long blade like appendages.

She was also had little clothing on

Ert: Yeah, see, this is why I’m legitimately concerned. With the only things that get attention in this story being the stuff EP wants to jack off too, this statue is making me concerned.

as her right arm was in a sleeve while her left leg was in a footless stocking lined with spikes. The top part of her wasn’t covered and her breasts where showing. But unlike normal women this one had six breasts with the to being the largest and the lowest being the smallest.

Shepard: Oh Spirits, I think I’m going to throw up.

Ert: Sounds like a Slaanesh Daemon. Slannesh is the god of pleasure. Not sex EP. Pleasure. There’s a difference.

On her belly was a circle with a line pointing to the right with a crescent shape though it and another smaller one on the end. The same emblem was on the floor in front of her.

Chains came from the palms of her hand that ended in a pair of iron cuffs. They sat there menacing awaiting their next victim soon.

Nora: Next vicim? What happened to the first victim? And where the fuck are we?

“Niaaaa let me gooo!” a young woman yell echoed through the caves.

As the scream died down men and women entered the chamber. Each one of them wore a purple robe but when they move into line formation similar to a church seating they disrobe. Each one of them had ether a piercing or tattoo in the same shape as the statue but on various parts of their body. They then knelt in the rows before stretching their arms out in the air and bowed. As they did this two miles brought out a woman who was struggling against them.

“Niiiiaaaaaa.” she yelled as the two men dragged her to the cuffs.

Shepard: So the catgirl character (I think, nothing is really explained here, the focus was on how sexy the statue was and the catgirl has been the only one to make noises like this) is about to be sacrificed to a dark god, and instead of pleading for her life or trying to escape she just makes that cutesy noise? I don’t even. What is that noise even supposed to be? We looked it up and can’t find anything

They then fastened the cuffs around her wrists before walking to the sides. The woman tired to struggle but couldn’t. The chains rattled as she moved. A chant then came from the people in front of her for a few moments before a purple mist swirled in front of her. A woman with purple skin holding a long staff in one hand and a knife in the other appeared before her.

The woman then approached the chained woman and touched her.

“Nia.” the chained woman said flinching.

Ert: That isn’t a word EP. It’s not a fucking word. Although we looked up a bunch of definitions for “nia” and nearly all of them relate to sexy women, so I don’t know what the fuck you’re on.

The knife in the purple skied woman’s hand then merged with her flesh becoming an arm blade. Smiling she then lunged it into the woman’s belly before brining it back out with her gut’s following. Her blood flowed out of her and filled the emblem on the floor. Within moments the emblem was filled with blood and soon began to glow so bright that the worshippers had to cover their eyes.

When it died down the purple skinned woman held up a blood red heart with the same emblem on the floor. The woman who was stabbed though had gone as did her blood. But the worshippers cheered out loud at the ceremony making the woman smile. However unknown to her, this would be one of the last sacrifices she would make.

Nora:…Yeah, remember how we said that we were concerned that EP only ever seems to put details into things he would jack off to? yeah, that’s something that we’re all thinking about right now.

Shepard: *Wretches into bucket*

Ert:  Ok, so that wasn’t the catgirl.  Apparently.  So what did we just see and how it is important?

OOOOO

“So America inadvertently created another terrorist group?” Kimsa asked.

Ert: Ok, I am not fucking touching that one. I’m just gonna say, no one in the 41st millennium would know what America is.

Kimsa had been bombarding Chris for the passed three hours about humanity’s past. He had a bit of explaining to do but the local nobility called for the Inquisitor. As such she had ordered Kimsa to question him. But to Chris it was more like an interrogation. She was tiring him out more so then plying on the latest games.

Nora: More tiring than playing the latest games? Oh boy EP, how do you keep up with this crazy broad?

“Yeah as far as AHHHHH…” he tried to say as Ti’sona took some blood out. “I know they didn’t do it on purpose but one of the reason was religion you see the main religion for America was Christianity. The main errr person for it was born in the middle east, and this whole thing was in the middle east. As you can guess, some people thought the ‘End times’ was going to come from there.”

Ert: Oh Christ, EP is trying to talk about modern politics! This just in! ISIS has nothing to do with the power vacuum created when America toppled Middle Eastern Governments. The only thing that matters about it is religion.

Kimsa was getting even more interest now.

“So this end times thing what’s that all about?” she asked eyes almost popping out in excitement.

“Ok so one of the things that the bible said

Nora: No. Just…just stop. You’re not talented enough.

that the end times was coming, which was also known as the rapture when the battle between the devil and god would happen. It all pretty self explanatory. The thing was that most of the west and parts of the est didn’t believe it.”

“East and west?” she asked.

Chris looked at her for a moment before shrugging.

“The term was used to define the influence between Europe and Asia. But even then it gets murky.”

Ert: Ok, first of all, I think the concept of West and East would make it to the 41st millennium. Second of all, there was more to Western civilization than just Europe.

“Ooooo that reminds me, was there a city’s named Atlantys and Nova Yourk?” she asked remembering something.

“Well, Atlantis or the ‘Lost city of Atlantis’ is considered to be a myth. When I was around people where still looking for it with no luck. As for Nova Yourk I knew it as New York. It was quite the attractive city in America, very popular.”

Shepard: So in reality this woman doesn’t actually know anything about Pre-Imperium Earth and needs EP to tell her everything. Some cultural expert.

“Ahhh I wish I could have seen it all.” she moaned with Chris giving a snicker.

He then looked down, he had been thinking about something for a while now. He knew that Webway’s weren’t supposed to do this which meant that this was a one-way-trip.

Ert: How do you figure genius? Something does something it was never meant to do and somehow you know it’s a one way trip? Ever hear of Newton’s third law?

He was trapped here which meant that he needed to fight. That was the only thing he could do, he also needed to gain allies if he was to find a way back. But just then his stomach grumbled making him blush.

Nora: Yup, he needs to fight. He can’t just go to an Agri-world and become a farmer.

“I’m all done here you can go.” Ti’sona said with no emotion.

“Come’on I’ll take you to the canteen.” Kimsa said standing and pulling Chris out of the chair.

The two exited the medbay and into the hall. It was longer then M3 had anticipated,

Shepard: Why hasn’t he told them his name? It said that he talked with the princess for three hours, his name should’ve been her first question.

but he still moved along with Kimsa who was still looking at him. He tired to look away but being the guy he was it was hard not to look down her cleavage.

Ert: That says so fucking much about EP. So. Fucking. Much. Lack of self control for one.  I’m a man that very much enjoys the female body.  I happen to have both respect for women as people and the ability to not let my libido control me.

He forced himself to think about something else. They moved down a little nether of them talking to each other mostly because Kimsa was studding his old world features. They soon entered a very large room with a buffet at one end and soldiers eating at tables.

Nora: Yeah, no. On a starship that could be months away from a resupply, food would be strictly rationed. There certainly would be a buffet.

While they didn’t have their weapons or helmets on Chris could tell who they where just by looking at them.

Ert: No you can’t. Fuck you.

Some of them turned eyes to him as she and Kimsa walked over to the food area and got tray for themselves but as they moved along he could only flinch at the food they had. Some of it just looked like muck while others didn’t look edible at all. But he soon picked out few pieces of meat and a few safe looking vegetables.

Shepard: Huh. I know food can be rather horrible in some parts of the 40k verse, but there are planets dedicated to growing fresh food. Not everyone can get it, but you’d think an Inquisitor would be able to get her hands on it. And why did he call it buffet if it’s all gunk?

The two then took the nearest seat. Some of the soldiers had gone back to talking about whatever while Chris and Kimsa began to eat. However the former princess did little more then watch M3 eat. The meat for him seem to be a little tough so he took it by the bone and pulled it away. A piece of it napped off allowing him to much it up and eat it. He nodded his head at the taste as it was like pork.

Ert: Who are you? George RR Martin? I don’t give a fuck about what you’re eating EP.

“Not bad.” he said making Kimsa smile.

“Yeah well it’s the best we have.” said a gruff voice alerting the two.

A tall man wearing a black and red Catachan uniform came and sat down in front of Chris. His plate was filled with nothing but meat and a few poisonous looking leafs.

Nora: He’s a MAN! MAUN! MAUN don’t eat no vegetables.

“So judging by your clothing, I guess you must be M3?” he said.

“Is that what people are calling me? Good grief.” Chris moaned.

“Yeh well, get used to it kid, a lot of people are calling you that. Anyway name’s Sargent Krimm, 19th Catachan furies.”

Ert: Yeah, we looked it up, the Catachan Furies aren’t a real thing.

OOOOO

Selena pinched her nose as the bickering of the nobles was giving her a headache. One of the daughters of the local nobility had gone. While she wanted to help, their bickering was too much. There was still bad blood between the nobles due to he fact that before they where brought into the Imperium they where at war. But even if they where part of the Imperium now they were still bickering.

Ert: I’m counting down the seconds until she causes them to stop bickering by shooting her bolter. Because that seems to be her thing.

“Xenos!” yelled one. “It has to be the Xenos scum.”

“You may be using them as a proxy!” yelled another who stood and pointed at the accuser. “Your clan was always wanting power.”

“How dare you? You must be the one who took her!”

Nora: I’m guessing that one of them must be the family that the daughter belongs to. So why would they kidnap their own family? And for the record, what planet are we on NOW!? Christ, we’ve been to two maybe three different planets and I don’t know the first thing about any of them.

That made the entire room burst out into a yelling match. Having enough of this Selena stood and took out her blot pistol and fired it into the air making the yelling stop.

Ert: OH I FUCKING CALLED IT! Must be because she’s a short tempered bitch.

The room then turned to her her as she lowered the smoking pistol.

“If yo all are going to bicker perhaps I might have you all removed.” she said.

Nora: Yes, I’ll have this meeting with myself.

The room fell quiet as she let her words sink in. Soon enough the room fell back into their seats not wanting to anger her further. They knew that she had the power to do whatever she wanted and fearing for their lives and power they had to follow her orders.

“Inquisitor since we still have some animosity between us, maybe it would be best for you to conduct this instigation.” an old man at the head said.

Shepard: Uh, I thought that was already the idea. Speaking of which, isn’t investigating a kidnapping kind of below an Inquisitor? Don’t they usually deal with massive threats to the Imperium?

Ert: Don’t tell EP that, he’s busy staring at her cleavage because that’s the guy he is.

Selena sat down. “I wish I could but I cannot, there maybe more Xenos out there. I have got my forces on a patrol rota.” she said calmly but paused for a moment and thought. “I could however spare three people to do the investigation.”

“That will be satisfactory.”

Nora: We could do it ourselves, but we have been declared incompetent by the author.

OOOOO

“Wait you mean that millions of people have a device like this?” Krimm asked looking at Chris’ smartphone.

“Well, not that model and not exactly like it but yeah similar devices.” Chris answered as several soldiers looked at the device.

He wasn’t surprised about this kind of thing. The likely hood of them having similar tech was next to non thanks to the mechanics. But then again there were some pretty advanced worlds out there. One of them may have it. It was almost a childlike wonder to the soldiers as they looked at the device. But just then.

Ert: We have starships that can travel through the horrors of the Warp, but fuck that shit, he has an IPOD!

“Kimsa, Chris and Stolhome get to my office now!” Selena said over the vox speaker.

“Well, that’s us. See ya mate.” Chris said standing and shook Krimm’s hand.

He then followed Kimsa out.

“He seems like a good Kid.” said one of the Cadian’s.

“Yeah, wonder if he’s going to join us.”

Nora: Yeah. Remember the days where the inquisitor had STANDARDS!? Glad that’s gone. Just let any old random time displaced fuck join us. Also, if he’s really from another world like he keeps saying that he is, how does that mesh with the theory that he’s from the past? No one has really been bringing that up because it’s an EP fic and everyone is braindead.

OOOOO

Chris and Kimsa walked into Selena’s office. It was quite large for an office but then again she was an inquisitor so she would have to have some luxuries. The wall was decorated with trophies of animal heads and rare weaponry.

Ert: Oh wait she’s a hunter? Maybe. Never established.

By a window behind her desk was banners of the inquisition. The desk that Selena was behind was made of a dark wood and well made. Stolhome was already inside wearing his Cadian armour and stood like he was on parade.

Ert: Oh, like this?

“Bout time.” he muttered as the two newcomers stood next to him.

Selena sighed and stood. “I’m going to be quick about this but I need you three to conduct an investigation for a disappearance of a nobles daughter.”

Ert: Why, in the fucking hell are you giving a random bumblefuck who doesn’t know the first thing about the planet you’re on the job of hunting down a missing person?

Stolhome just stared at her wide eye while the other two just looked t each other and shrugged.

“What? Me a high born Cadain soldier has to look for a noble whore because she hasn’t turned up?” he fumed.

Nora: Uh, yeah, EP, you seem to fail to understand how status based prejudice works. A highborn would only think he’s superior to people of common birth. He would be proud at being chosen to go rescue a noblewoman. If anything he would object to EP being on the mission for his low birth (among other things). The one basic character trait this guy had and you couldn’t even get it right. Why don’t you just change his name to “the asshole”, that’s all he really is.

“Orders are orders.” Chris said earning himself a death glare from the Cadain Sargent.

“Just like M3 said.” Selena said earning herself a glare from Chris making her blush. “Also you three are the only ones I can spare. Now you will follow my orders or I will have you shot.”

Shepard: Uh, an Inquisitor would not blush when someone glares at her.

Ert: Good God, she really is a Tsundere. Also, you can’t spare the cat girl, the dick owner or any of the other soldiers you’ve got? Oh right, you only have fifty men in total because author can’t math good.

Stolhome shut up at that and just walked away allowing the Inquisitor to look at the two still in her office.

“I have no idea what’s going to happen, so M3 I want you to outfit yourself with what you know. I’m trusting that you have some kind of militarum experience. Don’t let me down.”

Chris nodded at that and left with Kimsa.

Nora: I’m just gonna assume that you have military training and won’t royally screw everything up. KK bye.

OOOOO

Kimsa handed Chris an armoured vest with ammo pouches on the front. The young man threw it on over his hoodie and zipped it up. He then slid 30 round auto rifle magazines into the pouches.

Shepard: What is this author’s obsession with using the very worst the Imperium has to offer?

He had some experience in combat as he used to do airsoft and paintball.

Ert:…Just shut up. Just stop fucking talking. If I have to explain the difference between a paintball gun and an assault rifle I think I’ll lose it.

But this wasn’t real and he could end up dead. He then picked up a modified Agripinaa pattern type III autogun. The weapon had similar firing mechanism to an AK47 a weapon which his father had taught him to use. But as h fastened it to a sling that was already round his body he stopped.

Ert: BECAUSE AK-47s ARE OH SO FUCKING COMMON IN GREAT BRITAN! Fun fact! I’m pretty sure a British civilian owning an AK-47 IS VERY FUCKING ILLEGAL!

“Ahhhhhhhh noooooooo!” he cried to no one in particular.

“What?” Kimsa asked.

“I missed the Deadpool movie.” he said looking down.’

Ert:…Was that supposed to be fucking funny? Because I fail to find it humorous.

Kimsa giggled a bit making him look at her with a brow raised. But she picked up her combat shotgun placed it on the mag lock on her back.

Nora: Hehehe, I have no idea who Deadpool is.

“Come on then.” she smiled and walked out of the armoury.

He smiled and just followed her. This was going to be an interesting investigation. But as he walked out a figure with a tail followed them out of the armoury. The figure breathed heavily wanting something from their new guest.

Shepard: Of course she does.

Ert: For the record, we actually just went through four chapters. EP didn’t feel the need to put chapter titles and numbers in the chapter proper. And I’ll do many things, but I won’t wipe EP’s ass for him. One last chapter and we’re done with what this story so far

Ok guys I would like to point out that while the Farseer to be a slave option is sill up I would like to point out that almost all reviewers have said salve. I would also like to point out that I think the Inquisition would have cuffs or similar binders that would negate pyker abilities for reasons. So so far I’m going for slave, but unless the majority says otherwise.

Ert: Oh yeah, he wanted the Eldar Farseer in his harem and the only way he could think of making it work was if she was a slave. Because “That’s the only way I could see love working” Question EP, ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!? First of all, this is a Farseer, a FARSEER! She is not your plaything, she is an insanely powerful Psyker. Second of all, there’s this thing in the Imperium, they’re called Sanctioned Xenos. Tau, Kroot, even Orks and fucking Dark Eldar can be sanctioned.

Ert: Dark Eldar are Eldar who spend their entire existence capturing people and torturing them so Slaanesh won’t eat their souls. If THEY can be sanctioned, I think a regular less psychotic Eldar would be fine. (Oh, and one time a Dark Eldar captured a Farseer and took her back him. His allies nearly killed him for making such a stupid move. Go figure). Third, the majority WAS against the slave option you twat! Because as it turns out, your readers aren’t as braindead as you are.

Chris, Kimsa and Stolhome walked through Nimas District of the capitol. Nimas distinct was the Noble district where the nobility of the city lived. But while Kimsa and Stolhome had just walked on Chris occasionally stopped looking at the architecture and people. It was a techno medieval state. The citizens wore clothing similar to English Tudors but there where computer posts of the latest news. He wouldn’t be surprised if a Space marine chapter would come to recruit from this world.

Nora: Yeah…no. Once again EP shows how little he knows about 40k. Space Marines don’t recruit pampered nobles. They go to death worlds, places where reaching the age of 18 is considered an accomplishment because you need to be freaking tough to be a Space Marine.

The architecture seemed to be also reminisced of medieval Europe. He shrugged his soldiers and just continued on until they came to a large cobblestone building. There where banners on the front walls. These banners where blue with a gold sword pointing down and through a white skull. Whoever was kidnapped must have been important. Chris then noticed a group of soldiers nearby. They wore a blue tunic and silver armour.

Shepard: I think we found another example of daybook writing being mixed with purple prose. We had enough of that in Herr’s snarking thank you very much.

He had noted that the local guard where in Cadian uniforms. This meant that these guards must be part of this house’s personal army.

Nora: EP just keeps making nonsensical logical jump after jump. Pretty much half of the Imperial Guard units in the galaxy copy Cadia’s armor.

Kimsa knocked on the door and after a moment an Asian-looking girl opened the door. The girl was dressed in a French maid outfit.

Ert: FUCK YOU! *Aims melta-gun* I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR FUCKING FETISHES EP!

Goeth *Pokes head in* My 40k lore is rusty, what’s a melta-gun?

Nora: Short range weapon that creates a blast of energy tens of thousands of degrees hot. The fandom nicknamed it the lava-shotgun.

Goeth: MINE! *Grabs melta-gun*

As soon as she saw the Inquisitional I on Kimsa’s and Stolhome’s uniform she froze. After a moment she bowed.

“Welcome my lady and lords to the Uniti house.” she said.

“Sigh’ please don’t do that. We’re here to investigate the disappearance of Madam Liandra.” Kimsa said.

Shepard: Who just says sigh out loud? That makes no sense

“Oh.” the maid said standing. “F…follow me.”

The three walked inside and followed the maid to the second level. They then walked to a room at the end. As they walled Chris noted that this house seemed to be more on the military side then anything. The walls where decorated with paints of the family and suits of armour where on the corner with a weapon in hand. All of this cried out that the family was probably generals of the army which was why those guards where outside.

Ert: Making a lot of assumptions EP, and you’re not very good of it. Generals? EP, war is the Imperium’s way of life. They have been fighting wars on all sides for the last 10,000 years. These people could just be collectors for all you know. Oh, and I think they have guards, call me crazy BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING NOBLES! Nobles tend to have guards!

The door to the room was then opened and the three entered. It was a rich girls room for lack of a description. A large double bed decorated with white and gold sheets, an Arabian style carpet, flower patterned silk curtains and oak-like wooden furniture. All of it just screamed rich.

Ert: Wait, is it rich? You only hammered that point in around three times, you need to make it five just in case your readers are on the same brain level as you.

The maid waited by the door as the three spread out a bit looking at the room. The sell was lavender scented making the three f them feel very nervous. Kimsa walked over to a chest of draws next to the bed, Stolhome moved over to the fr side of the room and just stood looking at the paintings.

Nora: All they’re doing is looking around the room of the person who went missing. Did the locals not do this before calling for a goddamn Inquisitor for help?

Chris however looked around the room carefully making sure to look at each and everything. His mind focused on anything and everything that seemed to be out of place. But something caught his eye. By the window was something that was out of placed. He walked over to it slowly as the other two continued with what they were doing. At eh window he couched and looked down, under the carpet was a small bump. He slid his hand under and pulled out a small stone with an Eldar marking on.

Ert: Because the college dropout knows more about searching that the trained Cadian and the exile princess because MAIN CHARACTER NEED BE BEST AT EVERYTHING!

“Found something.” she said standing.

The other two came up to see.

“Xenos witchcraft.” Stolhome said with anger.

Shepard: You know, in a story with good writing, the guards would’ve looked, found the Eldar artifact and THEN they would’ve called for the help of the Inquisition. This way it just makes everyone except EP look incompetent.

“An Eldar rune.” Kimsa said. “But the Eldar were eliminated not too long ago.”

“Why does that matter? This proves they have something to do with it.”

“No it doesn’t.”Chris said before turning to the two. “We now know that they had something to do with this but the Eldar are gone from this world. It just means that they were here and nothing else.”

Ert: Oh goodie. The only lead that they have and EP is dismissing it because they’re gone now. You know who else is gone now? THE PERSON YOU’RE LOOKING FOR! And how do you know you got ALL of the Eldar dumbass? Last time I checked, Ranger cloaks were pretty good.

“Dumb primitive fool” Stolhome whispered so that Chris couldn’t here him.

Nora: You know a story is bad when you agree with the one-dimensional asshole.

“I’ll go talk to the maid, you guys stay here, see what you can find.” he said before walking out.

“Primitive fool.” Stolhome said making Kimsa look at him with wide eyes. “He has no idea what the Eldar are capable of, they are deceptive. They could have planed it there for something.”

“Sometimes a lesser mind can find what a greater mind cannot.” Kimsa said back.

Ert: This is not one of those times. EP is a fucking moron, pure and simple. What’s more, this is the only lead you have. All you can do is pursue this until an alternative lead presents itself. You’re only sticking up for EP because he’s your future husbando princess

OOOOO

“WHAT?” Selener practically yelled at the Vox screen.

“You heard the situation is growing with your sector, the Tau are aggregating the outer planets and the Eldar are acting with increased boldness. As such the Ultramarines, Rising sun crusaders and Dragon knights will be there within the week.” said the Inquisitor from the vox vid.

Ert: So we’re getting Space Marines from three different chapters. Two that EP made up…and the fucking Ultrasmurfs. Of course. Matt Ward’s Precious little bebeh. Fitting. Matt Ward’s writing is on par with EP. He said that the Ultramarines were the best chapter ever in one of the rulebooks and that anyone who disagreed with them were “deviant”, and that their rookie scouts were better than the veterans from other chapters because Matt Ward was a fucking hack. No wonder EP likes his pet chapter.

The screen then went blank and Selena groaned. She could handle a few guardsmen but three chapters of space marines?

Nora: Some Inquisitor you are if this is too much for you.

That meant that Imperial command was panicking about something. Then it hit her, there was an Ork group nearby. They must have something to with them panicking. Just then there was a knock on her door and Chris entered.

Shepard: Wait, where did Orks come into the equation? I thought Tau and Eldar were the problem? Ugh. The Tau let humans join their ranks sometimes, is it too late to defect?

“Hey can I come in?” he asked.

“Your already here,” she said with a bit of a smile. “Did you find anything?”

“Not much, it appears that the Eldar where in the room but that was it. We found a rune but all we can do is make guesses.”

Ert: I still insist they had nothing to do with it even though we have no other leads because I’m a dense motherfucker.

Selena nodded at that and stood, turned around and looked out of the window. “Remember when you told us you know about this time? Well I’m assuming you know about the Space marines.”

“Yep, the Emperor’s angels of death, descended from nine of the first founding chapters to today. Although many of the chapters that I fought against where Ultramarines and Dark angels. While other chapters where fan made.”

Ert: You said that you fought against Space Marines? ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOUR STUPID ASS KILLED!? Why don’t you just say that you took a great shit on the Emperor while you’re at it.

Selena nodded at that. “Ok because a company will be here within the week.”

“Cool, meeting them will be cool.” he smiled.

Nora: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Selena then turned to him removing her coat while she was at it. Chris Blushed as he saw the Inquisitor’s breasts stick out from her chest. She was probably an E or F cup which didn’t help the young man avoid perverse thoughts.

Shepard: Do we really need to see this guy salivating over breasts? And wouldn’t someone constantly going into combat want smaller breasts so they wouldn’t get in the way?

Ert: EP can’t jerk off to small boobs.

Moving around her desk she then stood in front of him and threw her hat away. She was around the same hight as him but her green eyes pierced his making him gulp. Smiling he closed the gap pressing one hand on his cheat and another one on a bulge between his legs.

Ert: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I YOU ARE A FUCKING REPRESENTATIVE OF THE EMPEROR’S HOLY INQUISITION! Inquisitors do not just fucking go around sleeping with whoever. The only account of an Inquisitor sleeping with ANYONE that I can think of is Ambery Vale, and she ended up with CIAPHAS CAIN! HERO OF THE IMPERIUM (Yes he must always be referred to as that). Cain is a man who is well known for being a hero…in secret he is actually a massive coward who keeps trying to run away from his problems and accidentally ends up in even bigger problems by mistake and accidentally making himself looking like a hero. And then getting shipped off to even bigger fights.

Nora: Cain! We found a Chaos cult in the local brothel! But we’re not sure where their headquarters are.

Ert: Hm, you secure the rest of the city and hunt down anymore strongholds they have. I’m going to attack the brothel. I think it’s their REAL headquarters. *A few moments later* OH FUCK IT REALLY WAS THEIR HEADQUARTERS! Point is, Cain built up a reputation of being a hero, was charismatic to his men, and he and Ambery’s relationship was so stable it lasted well over a century until he died of natural causes. And even when she knew he was actually a coward, she didn’t care. (Though one of the more depressing moments in Cain’s life is when she gently tells him that he can be himself around him. He jumps to the conclusion that she can read is mind and is about to execute him for cowardice…someone give Cain a hug please.)

He gulped as she leaned in but just as their lips where about to meet, Kimsa came through the door. Her eyes widened at the sight she saw in front of her and cried out in anger.

“Inquisitor what are you doing?” she yelled.

Nora: I wanted dat ass!…Oh Christ I just said that.

The Inquisitor looked to her. “Why I’m trying to entertain myself, after all I saw him first.” Selena said with a smile.

Shepard: This woman has the authority to blow up planets ladies and gents. That and she starting making moves on EP out of nowhere really. No build up, no interest in him, EP just jumped to the sexy parts.

Kimsa just growled as Chris backed up a bit. “Err Inquisitor look I came to ask you something.”

She looked at him disappointed but sighed. “Ok go on.”

Chris took a deep breath before looking at her directly. “What I’m about to suggest is heretical

Ert: There are very few ways I can see someone saying this to an Inquisitor without getting their brains splattered all over the wall.

but it may help us in the long run. I want to turn the Eldar farseer into a slave.”

“What?” was the two asked.

“Now before preaching about spoiling my soul just listen, she’s a Farsser there for a powerful phyker.

Nora: One, our earlier point about sanctioned Xenos. Two, this woman is highly regarded within Eldar society. In fact, expect a command raid to rescue her. Three, she would NEVER agree to this. Eldar are too proud to kneel before humans. You want to fuck an Eldar EP, just admit it. Here’s something though, if you’re going to write a romance with an Eldar, DO IT FUCKING WELL!

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Story:Love_Can_Bloom

(Warning, the above link leads to 1d4chan. The story itself isn’t NSFW, but several attachments are. Proceed with caution)

This means that she should be useful, aside form the powers she can see the future this provides us with an advantage. And because we have her and not the Eldar that robs them of on of their Farseers.” he said.

Ert: Yeah, the problem is like we’ve said before. She isn’t gonna go along with this and the Eldar are going to be hauling ass to get her back

Selena nodded before looking at him with a brow raised. “But why didn’t you suggest Sanctioning her?”

“Well from what Kimsa said about her, I highly doubt that her pride and arrogance would allow it.”

Nora: Oh, so you DO know what sanctioning is. You just want to go with slavery because you think it’s sexier. Also, how is she gonna be too prideful to become an ally to humanity but not prideful enough to work for you as a slave.  Because EP is horny.

Selena nodded at that. “Ok go for it,” she then saw Chris surprise before smiling. “I chose the people on this ship no only for their skills but also their less hatred of other races. This provides a very good combat force. They have worked with Tau, Eldar and some mutants before. So go for it.”

Ert: Ugh. Inquisitors do need to work with aliens sometimes, but I doubt they would want to recruit people who want to get all buddy buddy with them.

Chris smiled before leaving.

“He’s mine Kimsa, I’m the Inquisitor.”

Ert: You did not just fucking say that.

“An I’m your cultural expert, without me your plans will fall through.”

The two just looked at each other with fire in their eyes. At the door a cat ear twitched as the Felinid sniper smiled.

Nora: Oh yeah, my organization would just fall apart without the CULTURAL EXPERT! What ever would we do without you?

OOOOO

Chris was directed to a cell at the far end of the detention wing. He was alone which was more or less of a good thing as he needed to do this alone.

Shepard: You versus an Eldar Farseer. You lose.

There was two ways of doing this, either she will submit herself or he will use pleasure against her.

Ert:…Are you going to fucking rape her? Ep choose your next words VERY! FUCKING! CAREFULLY!

Sighing he opened the door and walked in to see the Farseer without her wrathbone armour but in little more than a cloth shirt. Her hands were chained in front of her and the chain was connected to a ring on the wall. Her was a deep red colour and her body was slightly muscular with a pair DD beasts. All in all very beautiful.

Ert:…Oh good God he fucking is.

Shepard: Looks like you were right in that he wanted her to be a slave to satisfy sexual urges.

“And who are you meant to be?” she asked.

“You cannot see my thoughts?” he asked slightly surprised.

“Of course not when I have your phyker cuffs on.” she said in a very arrogant fashion.

Nora: How many times do we have to say that the Imperium wouldn’t have the means to suppress an Eldar’s Psyker abilities? Especially a Farseer?  And that psyker power supressing cuffs don’t really exist?

“Well that explains that, now I’m called Chris, and I am from M3.” he said with a slight smile.

“Impossible, no one could come from that time and live.”

Shepard: Technically people have gone into the Warp and come out thousands of years later. His trip breaks all known records though.

“Well I did come form a webway gate.”

“Well that explain the fluctuations, now to your business with me.”

“Ok, there are two options, the first is that you submit yourself to me as my sanction. As such I will look after you against all humans who will put a round in your head.

Ert: Why does she have to submit to YOU!? You’d think that the Inquisitor would be a much better choice for keeping a Farseer under control. See this is what happens when everything is about EP getting laid, all common sense gets thrown out the window.

The second, and the hard way, will be more fun for me but not you. It means for you to become a slave, and while I will teat you like a person outside but inside I’ll treat you like a sex slave. The choice is yours, I’ll g

let you think it over. I’ll see you again to tomorrow.” he then said before walking out.

Ert:…WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! EP’s self insert just flat out said that he’s a rapist! Are you insane EP? Do you really want a character who is modeled after you to be a rapist? Can I call YOU a rapist now considering that this character is now? Fuck, I’m considering it.

Nora: This is just nauseating. Work for me or I’ll rape you. I know EP still has you blocked, but can you leave an anon review?

Ert: YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!

Shepard: Creator…I wash my hands of you.

OOOOO

The ship of Aristotle was the ship of the Ultramarines 5th company lead by force commandeer Victorn. Victorn was the Force commander and was of the local nobility but unlike the other nobles, he was one who tired to help as much as he could.

Ert: One of these pampered nobles becoming an Ultramarine and becoming a Captain of one of the ten companies. HA! GOOD ONE!

He at at the commanders chair looking at the warp. Despite it’s nature, there was an odd beauty about it, it was strange but then again he was human.

Nora: Ok, looking at the Warp without protection. Uh, your brains are now liquid.

As he looked out the widow as a young woman barely out of her twenties entered. She had golden skin with long blond hair and brown eyes. She wore a Greek wrap around her body with a gold badge holding her wrap together. It had the Ultramarine U on it.

“Father why did we change course?” she asked getting Victorn’s attention.

“Why aren’t you in your room Alrexandra?” he asked with mock sarcasm.

Ert: I am told that on the Ultramarines homeworld Space Marines keep in contact with their families, but I seriously doubt they would bring them on missions. Also another attractive woman. Did you not have enough with your fucking future rape victim EP?

She just looked at him with fire in her eyes that made him laugh. “Ok ok, the Inquisition called me, they need ships moving to a planet named Ivune.

Nora: Five chapters in and we finally learn the planet’s name. Didn’t take too much time huh EP?

The place was recently taken over by the Imperium but something’s going on and the Inquisitor there has failed to find anything. Not to mention the Orks may take this as an opportunity to cause mischief.”

Ert: Psychotic alien warriors who kill for the sake of killing. Finally someone to root for.

“Geez trouble much.” she said earning herself a hard look from her father.

“This is a serious matter Fenra, the Inquisition is the organization that you cannot disobey.”

Fenra just looked at him nodding.

Shepard; Actually, Space Marine Chapters are one of the few organizations that can give the Inquisition the middle finger and get away with it. Space Wolf Chapter Master Logan Grimnar, actually killed an Inquisitor and got away with it.

Ert: So that’s EP’s latest story. I have to say EP, I’m surprised that you managed to write a story with only one hand free. I share a lot of the fetishes you do, but it DISGUSTS me how you handle them. Rape fantasy needs to be handled with care, and if you go all out you need a nice big “I don’t actually condone rape, this is all fantasy” at the front of your story like every sane porn writer does. Fuck, I’ve read outright porn with more depth than anything you’ve got. So let’s summarize. EP

-Can’t fucking spell

-Has an atrocious grip on grammar, pacing and characterization.

-Really just writes crap porn

-Thinks its ok to have a character based off of him threaten to rape someone

-Only includes female characters to ogle them

-Flat out admits he can’t control himself when ti comes to starting at women

-Thinks shooting a BB gun gives him combat experience

-Has no forensics skills whatsoever

-Can only describe a female character by the size of their tits.

-Has his characters make annoying animu noises even when they’re about to be gutted.

-Just can’t fucking write

Ert: *Sigh* We’ll be coming back to this as EP updates. Next week we’ll be moving onto a 40k/Mass Effect crossover, which is thankfully not as bad as this story and mostly just fucks up the lore. Consider this a springboard and a middle finger to EP. Though there isn’t a middle finger BIG enough for him.

I’m banned from reviewing his stories.  Can you guys please review his story and try to get it through his thick skull that rape = bad?

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625 Comments on “1137: Trapped – Chapters 1-5”

  1. leobracer says:

    I hope that there’s still ryncol in that super tanker I ordered.

  2. SC says:

    Name: Chris

    Occupation: unemployed

    Age: 22

    Preferred weapon: boltgun, chainswaord.

    Correct me if I’m mistaken, but aren’t those particular weapons STRICTLY RESERVED for the Space Marines? Also, aren’t they a bit too big for the average, not-huge/heavily-armored Imperium citizen to handle?

  3. SC says:

    a sisters of battle maiden.

    Why must EP defile the Sororitas?

    • erttheking says:

      Oh yeah, speaking of which, Bolters are their go to weapon. Hence the less than flattering nickname of “Bolter bitches”

    • infinity421 says:

      Well, there was a comparison between him are Ward in the riff. Maybe he’s taking after the Defiler of Canon himself.

      • erttheking says:

        TEH SPIRITUAL LIEEEEEEEEEGE!

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:

        I thought Goto was 1d4chan/fanbase-in-general’s whipping boy for shitty novel-writing, and Ward just for lore?

        I actually remember reading one of those things, well before I knew of his reputation lol

        Haven’t bothered to take a second look at it but I remember it kinda just sailed over my head for the most part. Was only intrigued by the amusingly bad 3d render of a Deathwatch Marine and Eldar standing back to back on the cover.

  4. SC says:

    oh. They’re cat girls…

    It’s idiots like EP that give people who like catgirl/boy characters, or any animal/human hybrids, a bad rep. I know personally that done right, they can be just as powerful, intimidating, heroic or what have you as any human character, and I put a LOT of time into the ones I make to ensure that such is the case, but I am decidedly within the minority.

  5. SC says:

    Ert: Also, in order, that pistol is shit, that pistol is shit, that pistol is pretty damn powerful but be careful you don’t overheat it if you value your hand.

    Forget her Psyker designation, she’s a schlock-tier sidearms specialist!

    • erttheking says:

      Plasma pistols are even more effective than bolt pistols, but the exhaust from them venting heat can melt your face off if they’re not careful. So uh…proceed with caution.

  6. SC says:

    Show of hands, who thinks EP is a college dropout? I sure as fuck do.

    He went to college? How do you figure?

    No, really, with his idiocy, how do you figure he could have even been accepted INTO a college?

    • erttheking says:

      Legitimate concern. Still, I have no reason to believe he’s a liar…wait a minute, yes I do. yeah good point! How do we know he isn’t a HIGH SCHOOL dropout.

    • GhostCat says:

      I’ve known a number of college graduates that were this level of dumb.

      • SC says:

        I still feel like we shouldn’t hold out for EP.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Yea’h, and it depends on what they even go to study. So many people who claim they’ve graduated, never say in WHAT, and then act all smart-ass in a field they’ve probably never even had a introduction into.

        Like that one time a dude in 9Gag comments started a comment-war with me about Solar Roadways, but later it turned out he had a degree in Gender Studies and was spouting bullshit that all the Solar Roadways enthusiasts unfortunately believed.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        OH GOD the gender studies people.
        I made the mistake of adding a guy from high school to my Farcebook account, and since then it’s been just a nonstop stampede of rants and terrible “poetry”.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Oh. Sweet. Baby. Jesus.

          I just checked…

          Tartu University has Gender Studies…

          *Starts sobbing uncontrollably*

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Actually, he sounds a lot like my former roommate the 4-chan troll, who somehow did get into college despite being not of first-rate intelligence and subsequently failing half his classes. They admit some immensely stupid people either as a result of legacy nonsense or just by mistake.

    • TacoMagic says:

      As somebody who has a degree, I can confirm that some very stupid people get into college. My college was even worse than usual because they had special programs that catered to those who had less than stellar High School performance. It was one of the hazards of being a private university that gives preferential admission to Catholics regardless of academic achievement.

      Most of those folk would go on to attempt degrees in journalism, business, and philosophy. You know, the degrees that really help out when you run out of toilet paper in the house and are desperate.

      But even within the engineering program we had our idiots. Most of them went on to do civil engineering.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Idiots in civil engineering?

        Yeah’, there’s no way that could end up disastrous.

        Atleast your university had no Gender Studies.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Civil engineering doesn’t get a lot of respect from the larger body of engineers in general. It’s the easiest of the engineering disciplines so it tends to collect a lot of the folk who can’t hack it in the other fields.

          And, civil engineers tend to end up as managers who subcontract with more specialized engineers and architects to do their work, so they aren’t doing themselves any favors there, either.

          Don’t get me wrong, there are some good people in Civil engineering, but they tend to be the minority.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, the hierarchy here in Cleveland is pretty clearly Civil -> Mechanical -> Electrical, but then Facebook’s success started attracting a lot of idiots who would otherwise have gone straight into management to our computer science program…

      • erttheking says:

        *Looks at upcoming Journalism degree* Pardon me, I’m just gonna go cry in the corner.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Sorry, dude, from a standpoint of jobs, Journalism is not the greatest degree to bring to the table. At my college, at least, journalism was the degree you took if you didn’t know what you were going to do, or if you were there for spots and not academics.

          However, if you’re going to make a go at being a writer, it’s a decent degree, especially if you’re supporting it with a good class-load.

          It really comes down to less what the degree says, and what the person getting the degree is trying to get out of it. If you’re putting in the work to make that journalism degree mean something, then you’ll get more out of it.

          That said, there is little hope for those taking Comp Sci as a major. It’s just so saturated. In the last “degree satisfaction” survey I saw, Comp Sci got dead last for people feeling they were getting value from it.

        • erttheking says:

          Well my school calls it Technical Writing and Journalism, and I was kind of aiming to be a technical writer…somewhere.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, I got on a CS track back when Facebook was first taking off, and I had no idea I was going to end up as one of two theorists among literally hundreds of people who all think they’re going to “work for Google”.
        The stodgy, mathematics-heavy academic theorists that do things I’m interested in continue to kind of skulk around on the perimeter and even pick up a few grants here and there (current project involves implementing a new type of machine learning for robotics control), but had I known the discipline was going to become this much of a dog-pile I absolutely would have pursued a degree in physics instead.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Heh. I found my interest in physics a few years ago. I’m going to learn physics in Uni, no matter what.

        • erttheking says:

          I would’ve taken physics, but the one High School class I took on it made me want to bash my head against something hard. Nothing quite like being one of those people where your interests apparently aren’t the best fields. But hey, better than forcing yourself into something your not good at because “Dat where da money at”

        • The Crowbar says:

          Luckily for me, there’s a big shortage of physics teachers in Estonia. And the lesson schedule is really skimped, too, so one could take a job in multiple schools at a time.

          Quite a few phys teachers have made a lot of dough that way.

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:

        At least you guys don’t have Environmental Engineering…

        Tho being in Comp Sci always makes me feel kinda second rate to the Software Engineers myself LOL

        As my friend would joke, I’m gonna grow up to be a Servitor rather than a Techpriest XD

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I dunno, the software engineers always struck me as more on the implementational end of the spectrum, and the current crop of CS people probably should have just done that instead. We’ve got people running around up here who can’t even prove that their “business idea that’ll totally kill Google” even terminates correctly. And being better than them has to count for something, right?

        *Delivers a digital shoulder pat.*

  7. SC says:

    OOOOO

    AAAAAY!

  8. SC says:

    Herr is still the most novel way into another universe, playing a piano for twelveish hours straight until you hallucinate from the experience.

    Who knew pianos could get you high? XD

    • erttheking says:

      It was less the Piano and more he played it for an extremely long time without stopping.

      • SC says:

        “My wrists are basically putty and my fingers will never bend right again, but I’m not done with this song yet- oh hey, Citadel, how’d I get here?”

        -Mass Vexations Abridged.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        It’s also more the piece itself. Satie’s Vexations is a really weird piece: you’re supposed to play it really slowly, repeat the same thing up to 800 times…

        Oh, and did I mention that all the chords contain tritones?

      • SC says:

        It certainly didn’t help that you went into detail about exactly how fucked your brain gets after playing it.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Yeah’, Herr’s insertion was amazing. I remember it to this day…

  9. leobracer says:

    I’d love to write more reviews to this ass clown, but he banned me from reviewing his fics.

  10. Oh god…

    I thought Matt Ward was bad…

    Sweet merciful Emperor…

    I do this for all human kind…

    *Raises Volkite Serpenta*

    • leobracer says:

      I’m sure that the fandom would rather have Matt Ward than this guy.

      Actually, I think every fandom would rather have the bad authors of their franchises than EP.

      • erttheking says:

        Only because it’s a close call and that Matt Ward did the occasional cool thing when the stars aligned. Like the World Engine.

      • leobracer says:

        What was the World Engine anyway?

        I’ve heard of it many times, but I’ve never actually figured out what it did or was.

        • erttheking says:

          The World Engine was basically the Necron version of the Death Star. It got taken for a joy ride and blew up a few Imperium planets before the Imperium sent a huge ass fleet to deal with it. Sadly even on a good day for the Imperium Necron tech is stupidly advanced and they couldn’t dent the planet sized death machine, and got picked off one by one. At this point, the Chapter Master of the Astral Knights Space Marine chapter decided to ram it with his battle barge, actually piercing the hull and allowing his chapter to board it. For a 100 hours they fought non-stop, killing necrons and blowing up everything they could until they eventually got to the main core.

          Get this. The Chapter Master went in with 700 men. Five made it to the core. And he and the last of his men sacraficed themselves to blow up the World Engine’s main core. At that point, the energy throughout the ship spiked and because of all the damage that the Astral Knights had done blowing up power regulators, the energy spike couldn’t be controlled an essentially crippled the entire world engine. At that point, with the World Engine’s shields down, the fleet blasted the crap out of it.

          The Astral Knight’s battle barge was salvaged and turned into a shrine, with life sized statues of all the Knights who died in battle (IE, the entire chapter) A dozen other Space marine Chapters who took part in the battle, and one Marine for each of them wen to the shrine to act as a guard. Even though the planet has been all but abandoned, they stand there to this day, guarding the shrine.

      • leobracer says:

        Huh. Interesting.

        Well at least some people can come up with some cool stuff. Unlike others that I could mention.

      • SC says:

        *cough*EP*cough*

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh My, that story sounds amazing!

    • I know a lot of people hated it but I thought the new necron lore was pretty good

  11. SC says:

    She smiled and fired first to get his attention.

    [some more text here]

    Nora: Yeah, no, fuck you. Eldar have a very unique way of learning combat, in that they go down “paths” and have it imprinted on them. The good news is that it causes them to be stupidly good at whatever they were specialized at, with the downside being that they’re hopeless in all other fields. There’s a sayings. Six Space Marines and six Eldar fight. The Space Marines kill five of the Eldar, and the last Eldar kills the Space Marines.

    Ert: And this is a Ranger. Rangers have been known to pin down entire COLUMNS of infantry. Standard operating procedure for dealing with them is an ARTILLERY STRIKE! What’s more, Rangers have stealth cloaks, ones so effective that they actually can’t see beyond it and have to rely on psyker powers to know where they’re going. And this stupid fucking catgirl somehow magically knew where this master sniper was. Because HUMANITY, FUCK LOGIC! That’s assuming that her crummy little rifle would do anything to the Ranger’s armor, WHICH I DOUBT!

    Also, the cat shot first. Not to kill him outright, to get him to LOOK to her position. She should be dead right now, because if I read that about Eldar skills right, that guy would have been able to swing around and pop her head open in a second.

    • SC says:

      And that’s not even taking into consideration how she was able to get the jump in him without him picking up on her movements towards his position and wiping her out then and there.

    • erttheking says:

      Not to mention lasguns don’t make that much noise. Not even sure it would’ve been good at getting his attention.

      • SC says:

        Unless she somehow smacked the ground by his hand and he felt the residual heat from the shot, which he probably would, but all told the point stands.

  12. SC says:

    Oh Christ. I don’t want to judge but what is the appeal of this? Not of being attracted to something with a tail or fur, oddly enough I get that. No, what is the appeal of something ACTING LIKE THIS!? Puring, acting cutesy, saying “Unyaaaaaa”, it’s fucking annoying!

    I personally don’t find the appeal in it. The only reason any of the animal/human hybrid characters I make ever behave that way is because it’s the animal side of them exhibiting its standard character traits, probably because the human half is preoccupied with other activities and doesn’t realize it’s happening until someone points it out. That’s it. I don’t use it to beef up any sexual demeanor.

    And “unyaaaaa?” That just doesn’t exist with my characters. I prefer that, if they must make animal noises, they be ones that don’t reek of anime. The younger children might give little mews, because they’re not quite the best at speaking normal words yet, and some adolescent teens might make other cat noises to express emotions they aren’t as able to get across like full-blooded humans, but full adults ditch the habit entirely and behave almost exactly like full-blooded humans, save for their obvious differences.

    • leobracer says:

      I find the whole ‘Nyaa’ thing that’s typically associated with catgirls/boys to be very annoying.

      A cat goes ‘Meow’, not ‘Nyaa’.

      • erttheking says:

        Probably Japanese having different onomatopoeia than us. Technically both are wrong as it sounds nothing like the nose a real cat makes.

      • SC says:

        It’s how Japan translates the sound, I think. Good Japanese-to-English translators would easily interpret the sound as “meow,” but most people just go with “nya”.

        You’d have to ask Ghostie to elaborate on it, I’ve never fully understood it myself.

        • GhostCat says:

          In Japanese a cat’s meow is typically expressed as ニャニャ (nya-nya) or ニャンニャン (nyan-nyan), and it’s almost always doubled up like that. When pronounced properly it does sound a bit like the sounds a cat makes, what we call a meow. The “meow” that we’re familiar with in English would sound very different pronounced the way it would be in Japanese – with a short “e”, short “o”, and no lone “w” – more like “meh-oh”.

          Japanese onomatopoeia (called giseigo) is actually a lot more extensive than it is in English and is broken up into two groups; giongo, the typical “bang”, “woosh”, “meow” we’re used to, and gitaigo which is essentially onomatopoeia for things that don’t make sound – like jumping would be “pyon-pyon” or twinkling would be “kira-kira”.

      • leobracer says:

        Even so, I still find it irritating.

      • SC says:

        And yeah, technically we’re both getting it wrong (my cat makes a noise similar to “mow”, pronounced like Mao), but it’s what we’ve come to associate with cats, so barely anybody really complains.

      • The Crowbar says:

        A lot of people see “meow” as “nya”? Huh. I was wondering what all the fucking “nyaaa”-ing was…

  13. SC says:

    Christ the Eldar in this story are getting the shaft

    You know, I had an idea already that the Eldar are stupid powerful when the sole Eldar member of the ship’s crew in the Rogue Trader stream over been watching demonstrated the absurd killing potential of his gun by unloading it full-auto into a gigantic hellbeast of sorts and essentially killing it in a single volley, where all his fellow crewmates had barely been leaving even so much as a scratch on it with their own guns.

    To see the Eldar in this fic reduced to punching bags and fuckbuddies is pretty insulting.

    • SC says:

      Oh, and as an aside, here’s a funny incident that happened to the crew’s engineer in that stream:

      Captain John “Silk” Silkernicus: Are the crates filled with slaves open yet?

      Engineer: Yeah, I’ll go show you. I just unwelded the lids.

      *engineer rolls a god-awful number*

      Engineer: Captain, those crates are REALLY welded shut.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Other great moments in Roleplay.

        “I head back to the city.”

        Okay, you’re about 50 miles away in the middle of a giant forest and no clear path. I’m gonna need a nav roll.

        *Critical fail on 2D10*

        Okay, you find yourself inexplicably standing on a 6 inch ledge halfway down into a deep gulch. You’re not sure how you go here. The cliff face above and below you are sheer, made of smooth stone, and extend a good 30′ up and down. Your ledge only extends a few feet in either direction, and you have no idea where this gulch is with respect to where the rest of your party is.

        “Well… shit.”

  14. agigabyte says:

    agig: Hey guys, I’m back from the Avatar section and- why are you two on the ground?

    Cain: *Looks up weakly* This fic. It’s by EclipsePheniox.

    agig: I’m not even going to read it.

    Goddess: Smart man.

  15. agigabyte says:

    Cain: In other news, Sadielover1470 strikes back after two more chapters of Rei. Sem is already doing some great work on Truth or Dare Surprise.

  16. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    *Looks up snarking header*
    Fucking hell, Ert, what spore of madness has EP unleashed upon the world this time?!

  17. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Selena has the mind of seeing the grey area and uses it like some inquisitors.

    ……
    What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

    • erttheking says:

      Like I said, I think it’s meant to imply that she’s a more radical inquisitor. Inquisitors are usually measured on the puritan to radical scale. Puritan being “Kill anything that remotely looks Xenos or Chaos related” with radical being “Oh look at this ancient Chaos artifact that blew up a world and corrupted millions of people. I wonder if I can use it.”

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Yeah, can kinda see it now, but why the hell is it worded so awkwardly?

        • erttheking says:

          Because EP can’t fucking speak English. Considering the mastery you have over it despite it being your second language Yoshi, as far as I’m concerned you have the right to be twice as mad as I am about that.

      • SC says:

        Can’t speak English.

        Lives in the UK (probably, if his Facebook is any indicator).

        …u wot, m8?

  18. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    As he put his headphones in a thunderclap then scared him half to death.

    Okaaaaay… What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

  19. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    He made his way to a traffic light in order to cross to get to a bus stop. But as she stood next to it a lightning bolt hit the object and the lightning hit him. He screamed out in pain but while it lasted for a few moments it then disappeared, as did Chris but not his bag which fell to the floor.

    Ehhhh… Ert? Are you sure we didn’t accidentally crossover into Full Life Consequences 5?

  20. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Behind the sister another women came up.

    Another “women”?

    Oh dear god… A character blob! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

  21. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    This one wore Cadian flak armour and tunic but without the selves and a shotgun shell bandoleer across her large chest.

    Yep, because that’s the best time to remind the readers that the main female character has big breasts, in the middle of a fucking fire fight.

  22. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: And killing him dead. As opposed to killing him alive.

  23. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    So… EP decided it would be a good idea to introduce catgirls to Warhammer 40k universe.
    Cat girl..

    …in Warhammer 40k

    Cat girl…

    …in Warhammer 40k…

    This is going to be absolutely DELIGHTFUL.

    • SC says:

      Apparently they’re actually a thing in the 40K lore already?

      Or fanon lore, whichever.

      • erttheking says:

        It’s a canon thing in that there was a whole sentence dedicated to them in one of the codexs. Only one (One sentance and one codex) And I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t act this ANNOYING (Or maybe they do and that’s why they’re not allowed to leave the planet) Anyway, it was never established how they look and the video I posted solidifies how I consider them to look.

      • SC says:

        I kind of imagine them like Space Marines wearing cat ear hairbands for inexplicable reasons.

        They’re not allowed off their planet because the Imperium doesn’t want to acknowledge they exist. XD

    • leobracer says:

      There are plenty of races in other franchises that would not feel out of place in Warhammer 40k.

      Catgirls are not one of them.

      In fact, in this one fanfic on the Spacebattles forums, the protagonist said that the Hierarchy from Universe at War would feel right at home in Warhammer 40k.

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      That second one’s Fantasy Battle ya git

  24. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Mikana was dressed in a tank top and camo trousers to blend in.

    Yep. Cause those will totally protect you from… Whatever the hell it is those alien elf things use.

    • SC says:

      Just know that their guns are unreasonably powerful.

    • erttheking says:

      The only character I would’ve bought wearing a tank top was the pilot, on account of her being Catchan and their standard battle outfit looking like this.

      Yeah, basically they’re an army of Rambos.

      Though to be fair, standard issue flak armor probably wouldn’t have done shit against Eldar weaponry.

      • SC says:

        Space Rambo army.

        My God.

        • erttheking says:

          And then there’s the 40k ACTUAL Rambo. Sly Marbo, who has apparently won every medal the Imperium gives at least once (And many three times) Sadly, like the original Rambo, he’s a shell shocked wreck. Still, he mainly channels that into slaughtering enemy armies single handily. With a pistol that basically deals the same damage as a sniper rifle.

      • SC says:

        That guy’s gonna live forever, just in case the Imperium creates a new medal that he hasn’t received yet.

      • SC says:

        Well, then the Imperium will KEEP him alive in case they create a new medal he hasn’t received yet.

        At this point, they’ve got to consider it status quo.

  25. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    What the FUCK kind of college students wake up in a hospital and immediately decides to take a hostage? Was this guy raised by ISIS or something?!

  26. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Wait… So neither of those Kadian commander guys get any characters at all?

    Might as well start calling them General Kwai and General Fai…

  27. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    For someone who claims to be a big fan of Mass Vexations, he didn’t really learn a lot from it.

    Huh?

    When did that happen? Didn’t he call Herr’s writing “boring”?

  28. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    What is that noise even supposed to be? We looked it up and can’t find anything

    Probably EP’s version of “Nyan”…

  29. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh yeah, and Chris is EP’s actual name. No denying the fact that this is a self insert.

    For those of you interested, we found this out ’cause EP outed himself on a Facebook group that SC happened to be subscribed to. So yeah…

  30. Herr Wozzeck says:

    No, what is the appeal of something ACTING LIKE THIS!? Puring, acting cutesy, saying “Unyaaaaaa”, it’s fucking annoying!

    I bet you anything EP wanted to masturbate to Hillary Duff’s character in Food Fight, but then realized that the entire internet would call him crazy for liking Food Fight, so he did this instead.

  31. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Nora: Please tell me that “unyaaa” stuff isn’t supposed to be cute. It’s rather childish.

    It could be worse. She could be using Bablefish Russian because she’s too lazy to try to figure out Russian grammar rules, or even how to read Cyrillic.

  32. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The tank baked a bit

    No no no! We all know you don’t incorporate a tank in th oven unless you’ve sifted flour over it first! Come on, guys, this is warfare baking 101!

  33. GhostCat says:

    She welded a bolt pistol in one hand and a power sword in the other. She aimed at the fleeing Eldar and fired two rounds.

    Did she just shoot the space-elf with her sword?

  34. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Yes and if memory serves correctly they didn’t even colonise Mars. Imagine what he could tell us.”

    *spittake*

    Okay, I’m calling it now: the only reason she knows this is because this inexplicably became a crossover with Assassin’s Creed.

  35. GhostCat says:

    Selena sat in her room looking over a book and sighed.

    Her room overlooks a book?

  36. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You can’t just stuff everything into one spot, you need to establish shit.

    Ert, have you forgotten this is the same guy who thought Parallel Realities was worth stealing whole-sale, right down to the part where nothing is established about their parallel galaxy.

    What were you expecting?

  37. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It’s no surprise to me.” Ti’sona said. “He is a primitive form of humanity, as such the language is likely going to primitive as well.

    And it was at this point I said to myself “you know what, I liked it better when the requisite characters couldn’t tell what era the author avatar was from”. Like, you know, how it is in practically every other Mass Effect self-insert on the face of the planet.

    Except, you know, Subject 23.

    And loathe as I am to say this… I think we’ve finally found a self-insert fic that has out-stupided Subject 23 as far as “oh, our author avatar is the center of the universe” is concerned.

    Well, I guess there’s no use denying it: EP is a narcissist.

  38. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Shepard: The evil gods just accidentally transported someone to the 40k world? And gave him muscles?

    I have it on good authority it wasn’t an accident. I heard it was the doing of a mysterious fifth God. I don’t know his true name, but whispers in the wind refer to this god as Skynet…

  39. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Because nurses that constantly treat grizzly injuries on the front lines of ten thousand horrific different wars are hot.

    Is it me, or did this one supermodel nurse get more description than anything else in the fic?

  40. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Trying to find something he reached behind him and grabbed something before bringing it to the woman’s neck.

    “…”

    “The hell are you looking at me for? I have a hostage!”

    “… You’re holding her hostage with a Teddy bear.”

    “…”

    “Well?”

    “…”

    *EP jumps out the window*

  41. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The woman saw this but backed a bit in case he was doing to do something.

    I guess he was going to do the same something this woman wants:

  42. GhostCat says:

    “His DNA clearly shows no evolutionary progress.

    Why would they be expecting any? This is only the year 30000, right? Unless there’s been a drastic increase in mutations, there shouldn’t be a noticeable difference in the human genotype.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      40,000… But huh. The point still mostly stands, since the humans in Warhammer 40K don’t look that different from us…

      • erttheking says:

        Unless they were expecting him to be an Abhuman like an Ogryn or a Ratling. Or a Squat (Games Workshop representative points gun at Ert’s head) I mean, some third thing that doesn’t exist.

      • GhostCat says:

        Using DNA to chart evolution only works if you’re talking in terms of millions of years; humans are still ninety-two percent identical to mice at the genetic level.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Even if there was a sufficient genetic change over those 40,000 years, they would need a control sample of 21st-century DNA in order to compare against. Otherwise, his DNA would just look somewhat abnormal.

  43. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Nora: He’s a bore precious little bawbe who needs to be cuddled.

    Oh, please don’t remind me. We’ll have to deal with the fall-out of such a decision at the FBA in some amount of time.

  44. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I know they didn’t do it on purpose but one of the reason was religion you see the main religion for America was Christianity. The main errr person for it was born in the middle east, and this whole thing was in the middle east. As you can guess, some people thought the ‘End times’ was going to come from there.

    *headdesk*

    EP, look, I dislike Christian Insanist America as much as you do, but even I’m not stupid enough to think that this whole Middle East crisis problem was caused exclusively by the (somewhat true) assertion that some on the insanist side of things think that Christians returning to Jerusalem will speed the coming of Christ. No, in real life, the situation is way more complicated than just “that religion doesn’t like things going on in this part of the world”.

    *BAM*

    Shut the fuck up, EP. Clearly, you don’t know anything about the world.

    • leobracer says:

      And he seems to have forgotten that America has no official religion.

      Speaking of which:

      http://www.alternet.org/story/155985/5_reasons_america_is_not_–_and_has_never_been_–_a_christian_nation

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oh shit, you just brought up a good point without meaning to! Anyone want to bet that Chris here is a crazy right-winger? ‘Cause only crazy right-wingers would think that America is a Christian nation.

      • leobracer says:

        Achievements in Ignorance.

        Who knew that I was capable of that?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Indeed. A lot of the far right likes to forget that the greater majority of the founding fathers were Deists and Quakers because the Puritans had just finished a hundred years of screwing everyone over. They wanted the separation because they saw first hand what conjoining religion and government leads to and were throughly disgusted with dogmatic Christianity at that point.

        • The Crowbar says:

          I’ve heard that a lot of them even claim something about the constitution which is completely false (to suit their own needs).

        • TacoMagic says:

          It’s generally a strange mindset when viewed from the outside. Essentially those most deeply indoctrinated just sorta assume that all people, deep down, are Christian and just haven’t gotten in touch with their “True” self yet. As such they can freely assume that the founding fathers were all Christians, because, deep down, everyone is.

        • The Crowbar says:

          …What.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Welcome to my world.

        • The Crowbar says:

          If I was surrounded by people like that…

          I would constantly be visiting the nearest toilet on a run, before devolving into a mess of mad giggles where no one can see or hear.

        • TacoMagic says:

          It’s unfortunately less humorous when those people are determining government policy.

          Also, if you’re ever visiting the US, go ahead and add Wisconsin to the list of states to avoid.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Oh God…

          Why, what’s wrong with Wisconsin?

        • TacoMagic says:

          So very many things right now.

          Currently it is desperately fighting against social evolution while simultaneously making business decisions aimed at special interest groups rather than more generalized economic growth.

          But hey, they’re fine with spending my money on a new sports arena for a privately held basketball team that nobody really likes. So bully to them. Because that’s what being economically conservative is all about!

        • The Crowbar says:

          Mein Gott…

          I constantly watch a podcast “The Drunken Peasants”, and get a lot of news about USA from there, but wow…

        • TacoMagic says:

          Yeah. I know social evolution tends to get really rocky when controlling generation paradigms get close to dying out (baby boomers), but it’s getting cray-cray over here.

          Basically the baby boomers and their younger minions are on their last hazzah trying to recapture their glory years. Unfortunately their highly-romanticized memory of the golden years is not really the direction we need to move on the social progress ladder.

          Another 15-20 years and the situation solves itself, but it’s a hell of a wait.

  45. agigabyte says:

    This is the review he was responding to.

    agigabyte
    *Retches* I just read your fic. Let me explain something. You don’t make a self insert WITG YOUR OWN NAME then have them threaten to rape someone. Here’s a list of your traits.

    -Can’t fucking spell

    -Has an atrocious grip on grammar, pacing and characterization.

    -Really just writes crap porn

    -Thinks its ok to have a character based off of him threaten to rape someone

    -Only includes female characters to ogle them

    -Flat out admits he can’t control himself when ti comes to starting at women

    -Thinks shooting a BB gun gives him combat experience

    -Has no forensics skills whatsoever

    -Can only describe a female character by the size of their tits.

    -Has his characters make annoying animu noises even when they’re about to be gutted.

    -Just can’t fucking write

    Watch as I’m banned from reviewing your fics because you’re a bitch.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I love how he doesn’t even address the whole “you can’t have an SI with your own name rape someone” bit.

      • agigabyte says:

        I asked him about it and he stopped responding.

      • erttheking says:

        Of course he doesn’t reply to that. The fucking coward.

      • agigabyte says:

        Scratch that, I just got a response. And *Snerk* you really just need to see it yourself.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Hm…

          Scroll up? I know that fanfiction.net censors the word rape if you turn the profanity filter on. (And on that note: why would you do that!?) If it is, then just put it between characters like r-a-p-e.

        • agigabyte says:

          It only censors them by saying “rape” as “r***”.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          It’s EP, you know he’d be stupid enough to think something else is hiding behind those asterisks.

      • agigabyte says:

        “Ever hear of physiological warfare? or propaganda? The main premise of the idea is the Eldar are Arrogant right? So using this idea i think a normal Eldar would not join the Imperials or help them without a good cause. Thus a treat of forced to be lowed in standard. Because they refer Humans to be ‘apes’ as it were as such if the Eldar is say forced into intimacy by a human they would feel soiled and unable to go back. This way they would feel lower then a what they see humans are thus making them essentially a slave.”

        • erttheking says:

          ….*Wretches* What…what the fuck EP? I don’t fucking want a justification. Rape is fucking rape!

        • GhostCat says:

          Ever hear of physiological warfare?

          No, actually, I haven’t. I didn’t think the study of organic processes had their own kind of warfare.

          And that’s his reasoning behind raping her and turning her into his slave, so that she’s slut-shamed into serving him? How the hell does that relate to propaganda? Does he just like using big words to sound like a smartypants? Fuck him in the ear.

          Also – sweet mercy, even in his non-fic writings he has terrible grammar.

        • erttheking says:

          I think he missed the point of the question. He thought he wanted us to hear the logical reasoning behind his actions. What he thought we said “How does this process work?” What we actually said “THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

        • GhostCat says:

          And I find this so-called “logic” of his flawed; if the Eldar see humans as lesser beings then his rape of her, although a traumatic experience, wouldn’t necessarily leave her completely shattered. It could also be viewed in the same way a dog humping your leg would be – messy, pointless, and embarrassing, but almost expected from an ill-mannered creature that cannot control his baser needs.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          *headdesk*

          And he still doesn’t see that it doesn’t make it okay for him to do that. Nor does he seem to realize the implication of what he’s writing.

          Two wrongs don’t make a right.

      • agigabyte says:

        “Ok sorry if you didn’t get this but the Eldar farseer had anti-pyker chains on which prevents her from using her powers. as for M3 i do not recall him having a fight with her more of a talk.”

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oh fuck me, the classic “it’s not rape if she enjoyed it” excuse.

        Just say that “it’s not rape if she enjoyed it” is a lame excuse used by horndogs like you to avoid responsibility for psychologically damaging a woman.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        While it is obviously repugnant on any number of levels, sexual abuse of captives as a tactic to break down resistance has a long history of use by such enlightened minds as the United States military at Abu Ghraib, the Qaddafi regime in Libya, and multiple insurgent factions in the D. R. Congo. It’s generally somewhat effective at keeping prisoners submissive, but like other “enhanced interrogation” methods it’s absolutely terrible at making them cooperate in any sort of active manner.

        It’s also a war crime, and while the 40K natives are culpable for knowing about it and allowing it to happen ultimately this “Chris” character is the one who originated the idea of his own free will and carried it out under “Imperium” authority. In any sane universe, the “protagonists” of this story would be up in front of a firing squad or spending the rest of their lives in three-by-three concrete boxes.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Oh my good God, EP is an embarrassment to human race.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Tell him anti psyker chains don’t fucking exist.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I know EP is British, so chances are he’s asleep right now…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        When he does reappear, could someone with an established thread relay my comments on war crimes? I started my ff,net account very recently, and so it would likely be mistaken for a sockpuppet if I did it myself..

      • agigabyte says:

        “about the phyker chain, So? just because they don’t exist doesn’t mean that i cannot add a bit of my own ideas into it. besides the lore is so large they might exist.

        a for the rape think. Look if you don’t like it that fine but don’t complain at people for it if they use it, it is their story not yours. if it was your story you have people with dear heads or something. and just because i wrote she he was threatening to do it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will go though with it.

        If you have a problem then i suggest you should unfollow because it may continue happening.”

        • erttheking says:

          If he wasn’t going to go through with it, the Farseer would be able to call him on his bluff in a milasecond! And you, YOURSELF said, “Slavery is the only way I can see LOVE working” He mistakes raping someone in slavery as LOVE! As for it not existing, yeah, you can add something that doesn’t exist, but you can also add the Black Legion going around giving candy to orphans. People who give a shit about 40k are going to call you out on fucking up.

        • GhostCat says:

          Logically, the whole “he doesn’t have to go through with it” reasoning doesn’t work; if he threatens her and then doesn’t go through with it if she refuses to cooperate, then he’s lost. He can only go backwards, which puts him at a disadvantage. If you bring out the big guns right out of the gate – “Do this or I’ll kill/rape/maim you.” – and then don’t, any subsequent threat will have no teeth to it.

        • erttheking says:

          No kidding. Then again EP thinks with his dick and he was probably fantasizing about fucking a Farseer instead of writing an actual story. And forgot that this character was supposed to be the hero and not the depraved leader of a Slannesh cult. I also find it funny that he kept the Inquisitor out of the loop on this one, so he could charge in and show how he, a 22 year old dumbass, could outsmart a THOUSAND YEAR OLD ALIEN TELEPATH!

        • GhostCat says:

          A twenty-two year old dumbass who has been in their time period for what, a day? Two days? And he’s being sent on important missions and allowed to interrogate important prisoners because … Why? The power of boners is strong?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        and just because i wrote she he was threatening to do it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will go though with it.

        I’m sorry, I call bullshit after he wrote Jasmine cumslut.

        Also, tell him that he just had his author avatar threaten to rape someone. So now we can call him a rapist. Let’s see what he says about that…

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        So I wrote this:

        You know, EclipsePheniox, we knew you were dense. But I didn’t think you could be that dense.

        It’s bad enough you get defensive every time someone tries to give you criticism. It’s bad enough you have a history as a plagiarist.

        But for you to tell someone this:

        “and just because i wrote she he was threatening to do it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will go though with it.”

        First of all, you wrote Jasmine cumslut and Kira’s story of Domination. Given your track record, we have every right to say you will go that route.

        Second of all, that is really beside the point. You had Chris–a character who is based on yourself (and don’t even deny it: aside from the fact that you label this fic as an SI, I have seen your Facebook page which states that your name is Chris IRL, so I KNOW that this character is based on you)–threaten to rape someone. You also have a track record of writing fetish fiction that glorifies all manner of forced sexual activity.

        Therefore, you have just outed yourself as a would-be rapist.

        You aren’t just stupid. You are a morally reprehensible human being.

        If you think rape is a thrilling fetish… Well, even if it wasn’t totally wrong to have that fetish (because why in God’s name would you fetishise an event that wreaks terrible emotional and psychological damage on someone), why would you air it out? And don’t tell me not to read it if I don’t like it: this is the internet. People will comment on things you do no matter what you say. If you are so insecure that you don’t want people to call you a disgusting pig who is mentally unwell, don’t post your sexual fantasies online. Simple as that.

        But even beyond that… Are you even aware of what rape can do to a victim? Rape damages you in a way you can’t begin to fathom (and, frankly, in a way I don’t think you’d care to understand given your complete lack of empathy). It can ruin a person’s ability to trust others, it can make a person feel ruined… And you know why that is? Because when something so private that requires so much trust is forced on them, it robs the victim of an amount of agency. You dehumanize them. You tell them they aren’t worth anything.

        Because let’s get something right here: women, contrary to what you think (and very contrary to how you write them), are NOT objects to be desired by insecure men. They are PEOPLE. They have emotions, they can think with more than just their clitoris, they are more than the bra sizes with which you describe them (which, I may point out, you describe incorrectly since you don’t know how bra sizes actually work). They are people.

        They are not things for you to do with as you wish. And therefore, that is why it is wrong to force them to satisfy you without their express consent. That you think that raping anyone is acceptable is beyond horrifying, and that you think that people don’t have a right to call you out on your sick fantasies is mind-boggling. But hey, I guess all those women you say you live with forgot to instill a moral compass within you, much like they forgot to give you a dictionary on your 18th birthday.

        And don’t break out the “I have Asperger’s” excuse. I have told people with Asperger’s about the things you have done, and they are EMBARRASSED to share a condition with you. Asperger’s is a mental condition, not a get-out-of-jail-free card to dodge personal responsibility for the things you do and say.

        From what you write, you would be an unapologetic rapist who thinks it’s okay to force someone into sexually pleasing them under any circumstance. And we reserve the right to call you out on that. And that gives me the right to say this: if you respond to this review with anything other than taking this fic down, you will confirm everything I have said.

        So go ahead. Call me an uptight asshole. Go on. Make my day, punk.

        • agigabyte says:

          Do you want me to post it in the reviews for you?

        • The Crowbar says:

          I wonder how anyone can have so little self-awareness?

          I mean, if so many fucking people call him out on all the exact same bullshit, shouldn’t anyone with half a fucking brain realise that they’re doing something very wrong, and should pull their stuff, or at the very least, ponder long and hard on what exactly he’s fucked up with?

        • GhostCat says:

          Because he’s a self-obsessed, unethical, morally bankrupt, narcissistic windbag who prefers to objectify women and indulge in his own twisted fantasies rather than listen to anyone with a dissenting view. In his own mind he is a Stu; he is the center of his world and his is the only opinion that will ever matter to him.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Hmph. Wonder how a prick like that deals with everyday life…

        • GhostCat says:

          I’d imagine very poorly.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, he moderated it. So the situation has changed.

          Be my guest.

        • agigabyte says:

          Done. Took screen caps, too.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Bleh’. I have Asperger’s, and it barely affects my life at all, except for the occasional panic attack whenever I have to present something in front of an audience. It’s a condition that can go from really mild to something that keeps you from having any sort of social life whatsoever.

          And even when something does happen or whatever, I don’t even bring it up for fucks sake. I don’t want to embarrass myself with a victim card I could easily use for pretty much anything.

          I suppose he could have some tiny inkling of a disorder, but… Eh’, that makes it even worse. Why would you use a mental condition as an excuse for anything?

        • GhostCat says:

          He’s a Special Little Snowflake; he’s probably been surrounded by people who praised his every little action for his entire life. If he does have a condition then those same people probably excused any ill behavior by blaming his disorder – even though Asperger’s doesn’t make you an asshole – but if he doesn’t then he’s trying to play the victim card to win an argument and that makes him more of an asshole.

        • erttheking says:

          Like I said, the rape fetish IS a real thing, but just about everyone I’ve seen write about it handle it a thousand times better, saying things like “This is just fantasy, if you condone actual rape, you’re sick in the head”. Christ, I’ve even seen people who wrote stories about their fetish and afterward said “Oh Christ, why did I write this?”. People with rape fetishes don’t actually want to rape someone, in the same way that people who like action movies don’t want to kill someone. It’s just that EP has been fucking it up time after time, and keeps going “NU-UH” every time we accuse him of putting rape in his stories, and using justifications that are VERY similar to ACTUAL rapists.

          And uh…you know. I might be one of those people that has that fetish.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Agig don’t bother: I posted it as an anonymous review.

        Crowbar: Dammit why can’t I like things more than once!?!?!?

      • agigabyte says:

        “That story was made on a whim you see i have an overactive imagination and after i looked at the image i just had the urge to write something. Now if you read that before this then you probably have a clouded view of my work From another world aside of course. Look if you don’t like it that’s fine but don’t complain at me because you don’t like it. Now i understand that some things maybe wrong with it, and those thinks maybe things that you don’t like.

        And that fine, but once again don’t complain, other people other then you like it and it’s for those people i write for. Now i would like it if you didn’t contact me again. While i will not care if you do if you say anything rude then i will block you without hesitation.”

      • agigabyte says:

        Also, I feel like he does care, tremendously.

        • GhostCat says:

          He probably likes the attention he gets, as well as having the opportunities the trot out his little pet theories and say “Look, I’m not a sick fuck – I HAVE REASONS!” and then act all wounded and misunderstood.

        • The Crowbar says:

          All the attention? People are starting to despise him!

          Would it not be better to be liked instead? I don’t understand what goes through his head.

          …That’s assuming anything actually does go through his head.

        • GhostCat says:

          Some people love negative attention; it makes him feel superior because – in his mind at least – he’s always going to be right and we’re just a bunch of idiots who “don’t understand”. He’s also got a bit of a power trip going on, he bans anyone who puts up too much of a fuss and removes items he doesn’t like.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Why do people like him exist?

          It makes my brain smoke trying to figure out what kind of a life one has to have to end up such a way that everyone hating him means to him that he’s morally and intellectually superior to everyone.

          I mean, are you sure the Special Snowflake treatment through someone’s childhood could actually turn someone into this… Fucking…

          I don’t even know what to call this anymore. I just hope I never meet anyone like this in person.

        • GhostCat says:

          Sadly yes. Constant positive reinforcement isn’t a good thing; if someone is always told that they can do no wrong, then when the do something that’s wrong they assume that they are right and it is everyone else who is wrong.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Wait, what’s all this about an “image”?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Crowbar, some people ascribe to “no press is bad press”. Shit, just look at Octavarius Kaiser Scott!

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, that response didn’t show up on the fic, which means EP actually figured out how to moderate his anonymous reviews.

        Well, shit. Looks like he confirmed what I said.

        So who wants to take this fic to the Tumblr feminists and see them rip this garbage apart?

        • agigabyte says:

          Goddess: That sounds amazing. I second this motion.

          Cain: Thirded.

          agig: Fourthed.

          Dakota: Fifthed.

        • The Crowbar says:

          If you actually go through with that crazy idea, then you’ll either have to share links or a loooot of screencaps.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, do you know any Tumblr feminists? ‘Cause I think Ert has an old “friend” we could start with…

        • erttheking says:

          As I already told Herr, I want nothing to do with that fucker. Somewhere else, maybe. But her? Fuck no.

        • The Crowbar says:

          I think I maybe could dig up some from some Youtube channels I know of.

          Maybe. Not completely sure. I’m honestly not too keen about diving into that particular pile of festering shit.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        While I wouldn’t use the term “feminist” to describe these people, feeding them EP should be good for some laughs. I await the firestorm with bated breath.

      • agigabyte says:

        “Then enjoy your ban from my stories, by the way you do realize that just because you don’t like my stories doesn’t mean that other people will. You talk about being dense while you fail to realize that other people have different tastes. You are the fool not me.”

        I got the butthurt little fuck to block me, guys.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Damn. I’d review his story, but I’ve never reviewed stories. I’ve no idea how the whole thing really goes.

          Also, I’ve been thinking. Maybe handing him over to Tumblr feminists would be a bit harsh…

        • agigabyte says:

          That sick fuck deserves it.

          …you know, maybe I can manage my anger a bit better if I go to sleep.

        • The Crowbar says:

          …I just woke up. Oh well, if you still wanna do this, I got over 10 potential tumblr blogs minimized in a window right now. Ready to link them here if anyone needs them.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Yep. He just proved everything I said about him.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Herr, do you still plan on going through with this idea?

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, Ert has offered to post the thing to the fanfiction group on Facebook that we’ve joined up with, so…

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          If I’m not sufficiently satisfied that he’s gotten his just desserts, then yes.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          We’re the fool? Yeah, honey, that excuse doesn’t work when it’s morally objectionable material. Frankly, those people with “different tastes” are as mentally fucked up as he is, or don’t know any better.

  46. Herr Wozzeck says:

    which was also known as the rapture when the battle between the devil and god would happen

    It’s also not called the Rapture at any point in the Book of Revelations. If you had bothered to fucking read the Book of Revelations, you would know that.

    But you’re EP, so you don’t.

  47. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He then looked down, he had been thinking about something for a while now. He knew that Webway’s weren’t supposed to do this which meant that this was a one-way-trip.

    *sigh*

    You know, in Mass Vexations, I had this whole character arc going where he figured that perhaps dying would send him back. He didn’t know it would be a useless venture to go back until MV2, but before then he had some hope he could go back.

    But no, fuck interesting characterization! Because why do that when you can get straight to the fap material, right?

  48. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He tired to look away but being the guy he was it was hard not to look down her cleavage.

    Just for the record, I’m using this line if anybody asks me why we think he’s a sexist pig.

  49. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I’m pretty sure a British civilian owning an AK-47 IS VERY FUCKING ILLEGAL!

    According to Uncle Google:

    In the UK guns may only be owned if they are for legitimate sporting reasons or if you are a landowner or gamekeeper who needs a shotgun to keep down vermin. They are not issued to the UK armed forces.

    The AK47 is not a sportsman’s weapon so you would not have a legitimate sporting reason for keeping one and they are not used by farmers. You would not get a licence for it.

    You would be facing around ten years in prison.

    Source: https://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130729204001AACNhxB

    Also, you can’t import an AK47 into the UK, if this is any indication: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/10464873/Royal-Marine-who-brought-AK47-home-from-Gulf-War-spared-jail.html

    So yeah. It’s pretty illegal.

  50. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Ok guys I would like to point out that while the Farseer to be a slave option is sill up I would like to point out that almost all reviewers have said salve.

    Actually, as one of your reviewers points out:

    Are you reading your own reviews? Cuz there’s five saying “no slave” three saying “slave” and several undecided. Methinks that five makes up majority, meaning that the majority are saying no…

    I guess EP only means the majority as in “I just disregarded the reviews that don’t agree with me”.

    Even more proof that he doesn’t listen to any kind of criticism.

  51. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Nimas distinct was the Noble district where the nobility of the city lived.

    Well, of course it’s where nobility lives! Where else would they be in–

    *ALARM BLARES*

    Oh fuck! No, keep them away from me! Keep them–

    *is tossed into the shark jump tank*

    • SC says:

      Evidently, the Imperium has a DRD as well.

      *An Inquisitor whispers in SC’s ear*

      Ah, Ordo Redundantia Ordo! I see, thank you, Inquisitor Repetitius.

  52. GhostCat says:

    Even though humanity has changed based on the planets we have inhabited, but there is a consistency throughout humanity of evolution. His evolutionary progress ends at M3.”

    :headdesk:

    Okay, pumpkin, let me explain to you the difference between a genotype and a phenotype. A genotype is essentially the blueprint for a specific species; all humans have the same genotype, all rabbits have the same genotype, and all cats have the same genotype. A phenotype is the way those genes express themselves; humans, rabbits, and cats all have the genes to possess two ears, two eyes, a spine, four limbs, etc. but they all express themselves in different ways. Phenotypes can also differ across the same species; a race adapted to a world with higher gravity might have a denser bone structure, but they will still be genetically human.

  53. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It was a rich girls room for lack of a description.

    I can’t be the only one who immediately thought about the spoiled rich girl from most 90’s movies as soon as I read this, can I?

  54. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Last time I checked, Ranger cloaks were pretty good.

    They can’t be that good, if generic Harem dweller earlier in the story could shoot an Eldar Ranger even through that cloak.

  55. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She was probably an E or F cup which didn’t help the young man avoid perverse thoughts.

    Didn’t we already talk about how EP doesn’t know how bra sizes work back when he used that to discuss a woman’s breast size in Jasmine cumslut?

  56. GhostCat says:

    Ert: Yes person from a backwater planet, I need your cultural expertise about a civilization that existed 38,000 years ago and all records of which most likely would’ve been destroyed. I smart good.

    If it were me, I’d find it very insulting. It’s like a team from an Ivy League school bringing in an African Bushman and telling them “Hey, you’re from a primitive culture, chat up this Australopithecus for us!”

  57. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Nora: Oh, so you DO know what sanctioning is. You just want to go with slavery because you think it’s sexier.

    You say this like you expected anything different out of the guy who wrote Jasmine cumslut.

  58. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She wore a Greek wrap around her body with a gold badge holding her wrap together.

    It’s called a toga, dumbass. To. Ga.

    Also, since she has golden skin… and good Lord, I can’t believe I’m about to make this joke…

    But it’s official. This is her:

  59. AdmiralSakai says:

    This already went up on Monday? Can’t believe I didn’t see it until now.

    Not really having any sexual orientation myself, all human sexuality is equally baffling and repulsive to me, and so I’m pretty nonjudgmental about the whole affair.

    EP, however, makes me sick to my stomach.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *le gasp*

      Sakai is asexual? Oh boy, I actually never would’ve guessed!

      • SC says:

        Hey, I’m cool with it. I’m actually much in the same boat, I don’t get the appeal behind sex at all and have exactly zero interest in engaging in it ever.

        But I’m pretty sure I’m not asexual – I just think sex is gross.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Oh boy, I actually never would’ve guessed!

        Wait, really? I think I mentioned that fact something like three times in previous comments.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Really? I… never noticed it.

          Then again, I can be notoriously unobservant in some things. Like finding things in my room…

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      Sex is heresy

      In teh Grimdarkness of teh far futoorz all procreation should be limited to test toob cloning

      BLOOD

      BLOOD FOR TEH BLOOD GOD

  60. AdmiralSakai says:

    Just then the fluctuation of the Webway portal began to glow purple making people take notice. It then glowed red, then green then blue.

    Sadly, Team PRGB was never able to achieve the renown of Ruby Rose and her band of miscreants.

  61. AdmiralSakai says:

    “His DNA clearly shows no evolutionary progress.

    Well, of course it doesn’t. He’s EcplisePheniox, after all.

  62. AdmiralSakai says:

    The Inquisitor looked to her. “Why I’m trying to entertain myself, after all I saw him first.” Selena said with a smile.

    She runs a ship with 50-odd perfectly healthy males on it. She should not be this desperate.

  63. GhostCat says:

    No, what is the appeal of something ACTING LIKE THIS!? Puring, acting cutesy, saying “Unyaaaaaa”, it’s fucking annoying!

    But, sadly, it is a thing. It’s called ぶりっ子 (burikko) and is this sort of cutesy, childish behaviour that is considered “flirting” by many girls.

  64. GhostCat says:

    We have already gave him standard vaccinations.

    … For diseases that didn’t exist forty thousand years ago. All of them, at the same time.

    Welp, he’s dead.

  65. GhostCat says:

    “It’s no surprise to me.” Ti’sona said. “He is a primitive form of humanity, as such the language is likely going to primitive as well. If we take the baser forms of low gothic and use it on him. We will then see which one he reacts too and go from there.”

    If all else fails, just talk VERY LOUDLY AND SLOOOWLY in your own language. I hear that works for tourists.

  66. GhostCat says:

    So there’s a sudden scene shift to a sacrificial offering to a multi-appendaged goddess and then the fic reverts back to what passes for normal? Did EP accidentally insert a scene from another one of his terrible fetishistic fics and just decide to leave it in?

    • erttheking says:

      I have no idea. The story description says that Chaos is supposed to be the main enemy, but so far we’ve gotten just Eldar. And apparently Tau and Orks are in the area. That random sacrifice is all we got to suggest Chaos.

  67. GhostCat says:

    But he soon picked out few pieces of meat and a few safe looking vegetables.

    :headdesk:

    I really, really hope he either dies from consuming toxic plants or comes down with a violent case of gastric upset.

    • GhostCat says:

      His plate was filled with nothing but meat and a few poisonous looking leafs.

      :headdesk:

      Unless you’ve been given special abilities to see the chemical composition of the plants SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE VEGETABLES!

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      NO! He’s already sprouted more than enough shit!

  68. GhostCat says:

    I have got my forces on a patrol rota.”

    Yep, EP’s British or from a part of the world that used to be. I don’t know anyone else who would use “rota” instead of schedule or list.

  69. GhostCat says:

    It was a rich girls room for lack of a description.

    But something tells me you’re going to anyway.

    A large double bed decorated with white and gold sheets, an Arabian style carpet, flower patterned silk curtains and oak-like wooden furniture. All of it just screamed rich.

    Dammit.

    Also – I’ve rarely seen authors describe the sheets on a bed unless it is in trashy bodiceripper romance novels.

  70. GhostCat says:

    Is it just me, or does EP’s constant misspellings of “Psyker” make the word look more like “fucker”?

  71. neji7hyuga says:

    A self insert into the Warhammer 40K universe?

    Neji- Who’d want to be there? From what I heard, sounds like something straight out of a nightmare genjutsu…

    Indeed, it makes a lot of other universes look like paradise in comparison…Halo is not too bad, same for Star Wars, not such a bad galaxy if you know what you are doing and don’t stick your nose into dangerous business.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      My idea for a one-chapter Halo self-insert: Dan Hodges wakes up on the battlefield during the Fall of Reach.
      He screams like a baby until some Marines find him and lump him in with all the other refugees, and manages to get on an evacuation transport to Mars. He then panhandles enough money for a flight to Earth, moves someplace as far away from North Africa as he can get, and then cowers in fear until the war ends and he can start enjoying 500-years-more-advanced video games with the money he makes as a factory worker at a Misriah Armories plant.

    • leobracer says:

      I’ve had an idea for a Destiny Self Insert.

      Problem is, I don’t have an outline for it yet.

  72. neji7hyuga says:

    Ert: And this is a Ranger. Rangers have been known to pin down entire COLUMNS of infantry. Standard operating procedure for dealing with them is an ARTILLERY STRIKE! What’s more, Rangers have stealth cloaks, ones so effective that they actually can’t see beyond it and have to rely on psyker powers to know where they’re going. And this stupid fucking catgirl somehow magically knew where this master sniper was. Because HUMANITY, FUCK LOGIC! That’s assuming that her crummy little rifle would do anything to the Ranger’s armor, WHICH I DOUBT!

    From the sound of things, if an entire army of Rangers showed up, I’d suggest that we take off, and glass the entire site from orbit.

    Neji- I’d suggest the same. All my techniques would be useless.

    Indeed, one blast from the Shadow of Intent’s energy projector should get the job done.

  73. TotallyNotAlphaLegion says:

    Ert: The only thing I can find for Aurelian is a novel set in the Horus Heresy. It had nothing to do with the Eldar

    Something I can actually know about and can contribute. Yay! Anyway, what I think he is referring to is the events of the 40k videogame “Dawn of War 2” by Relic. Basically a Tyranid splinter fleet (read: giant space bugs that devour biomass to grow stronger) attacks an Imperial controlled sector called Aurelia. The Eldar are involved because the course of the fleet would eventually take them to Eldar controlled worlds, and they wanted to prevent that. Their solution involved sabotaging the defenses of the worlds, letting the Tyranids invade, and then blowing everything up, destroying the fleet, along with tens of billions of humans.

    After reading this fic, the one and only good thing I can say about it, is that there are no female Space Marines. And I thank the Emperor/Chaos/Alpharius for that.

    • erttheking says:

      Well they could be done well. In EP’s hands however…I shudder. Also it looks like EP’s got targeted locked on the daughter of a Space Marine.

      • TotallyNotAlphaLegion says:

        It could be worse. Maybe. Ok, probably not. I’m just hoping he doesn’t go through with the farseer thing at this point.

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:

        I’ve never gotten a straight answer on this myself, basically concluding this is something up to fan interpretation, so

        The age old question, ‘do spess mehreens have P33NIS?’

        I’m actually somewhat intrigued as to why a Force Commander would have a ‘daughter’, biological or not; since I’m a sucker for Marine/human interactions that sounds like it’d be an interesting thing to consider but I get the feeling I won’t be getting any answers from the fic in that regard LOL

        Are there any sorts of obscure bits of lore speaking of this kinda thing tho? Or anything that would resemble a Marine still being an active part of anything close to a traditional family? I think the closest things I’ve heard of were some very specific Marine-human female ‘bonds’ right before the Horus Heresy but I’ve never personally read those novels so I wouldn’t know myself just how close they were.

  74. neji7hyuga says:

    Ert: FUCKING WHAT!? WHAT!? Warp Spiders teleport to their enemies, kill them, then teleport away before anyone can retaliate. They always ambush their enemies, and yet somehow EP’s future fuck toy managed to magically find it? EP, all of your fuck toys can’t know where all the enemy soldiers are hiding just because you want to deny the reality that realistically the Eldar should be butchering them all. And a shotgun wouldn’t do shit against regular Eldar armor, Warp Spiders have heavier armor than usual. In fact, let’s watch a video of a Warp Spider killing A SPACE MARINE!

    Sounds like a very good reason to take off and glass the entire site from orbit, though it may not work considering the Warp Spiders’ nature…

    Neji- They’d make terrifying foes.

    Indeed.

  75. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Is it me, or is this snarking well on its way to hitting 250 comments?

  76. neji7hyuga says:

    animu

    How was this word made up and what would the definition be in your words? Just wondering since I have to admit that I am a bit confused about the word.

  77. neji7hyuga says:

    Ert: Well isn’t EP just a fucking bastion of likability. No idea what’s going on? Take a hostage. This’ll convince your host that the correct course of action isn’t to blow your fucking head off.

    That…that’s so dumb!

    Neji- Indeed. If one is in a strange situation or place, best thing to do is move carefully, don’t make any hostile moves.

  78. neji7hyuga says:

    Ert: And he’s in an unknown situation, scared for his life and the only thing he notices about the woman in front of him IS THAT SHE HAS BIG TITS! Why is it I get the feeling this guy could get stuck in a zombie apocalypse and would focus on the size of the tits on the zombies.

    Somehow, I think you are right on that. Doing that in the world of Dying Light would be a horrible idea. One word- Virals. They’re, to put it simply, really fast zombies who will chase you up buildings if you try to seek safety on a rooftop. They’ll climb up there, though one can kick them off. That’s the fun part of dealing with them, kicking them off of rooftops. SPLAT! Though depending on how far they fall, one may have to wait for them to climb back up and kick them off again.

  79. neji7hyuga says:

    Ert: So that’s EP’s latest story. I have to say EP, I’m surprised that you managed to write a story with only one hand free. I share a lot of the fetishes you do, but it DISGUSTS me how you handle them. Rape fantasy needs to be handled with care, and if you go all out you need a nice big “I don’t actually condone rape, this is all fantasy” at the front of your story like every sane porn writer does. Fuck, I’ve read outright porn with more depth than anything you’ve got. So let’s summarize. EP

    -Can’t fucking spell

    -Has an atrocious grip on grammar, pacing and characterization.

    -Really just writes crap porn

    -Thinks its ok to have a character based off of him threaten to rape someone

    -Only includes female characters to ogle them

    -Flat out admits he can’t control himself when ti comes to starting at women

    -Thinks shooting a BB gun gives him combat experience

    -Has no forensics skills whatsoever

    -Can only describe a female character by the size of their tits.

    -Has his characters make annoying animu noises even when they’re about to be gutted.

    -Just can’t fucking write

    Ert: *Sigh* We’ll be coming back to this as EP updates. Next week we’ll be moving onto a 40k/Mass Effect crossover, which is thankfully not as bad as this story and mostly just fucks up the lore. Consider this a springboard and a middle finger to EP. Though there isn’t a middle finger BIG enough for him.

    I’m banned from reviewing his stories.  Can you guys please review his story and try to get it through his thick skull that rape = bad?

    Hmmm…maybe he’ll listen to the First Hokage?

    I will try. My approach will involve taking as many of those points as possible, and expanding upon them. No cuss words or anything like that. If things don’t work…I won’t do anything more past that point other than leave a comment here in the Library about what happened. I know it is likely going to blow up in my face, but in that case, I will ignore.

    After all, he needs to realize how bad doing that kind of stuff is.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, you’re welcome to try. Ert did attempt to give criticism without expletives and without getting angry about it, but EP got incredibly defensive even when Ert approached him that way.

      I don’t expect it’ll end well, but I won’t stop you from trying.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        That’s not good, one should accept constructive criticism if one wants to improve.

        Same, I don’t think it is going to end well if that’s the case with Ert. Will post here once something happens.

        And if he continues to deflect all criticism, his stories will stay the way they are.

      • erttheking says:

        It’s true. I tried for a freaking year to be the nice guy to him. Never got anywhere. He essentially told me to do his job for him.

  80. agigabyte says:

    In some unrelated news, if you see someone on YouTube called Notal Ael, who can generally be found spouting bullshit about the Halo books not being canon to the games, do not engage. They are an uncreative, unfunny troll.

    /rant

  81. erttheking says:

    Something to throw out there. The story description describes EP as a normal person. With normal in quotation marks.

    Ain’t that the fucking truth.

  82. The Crowbar says:

    Info: A voluptuous Inquisitor, Selena has the mind of seeing the grey area and uses it like some inquisitors.

    “Big tits. Yeah’, that’s pretty much all anyone needs to know about her.”

  83. infinity421 says:

    Author: This Fuck (EP)
    Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
    TRIGGER WARNING! ANYONE WHO HAS BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

    FFFFFuck. EP wrote a 40K thing with sexual assault and oh god why
    This is going to be exactly as bad as I think it is, isn’t it?
    It’s going to have a shittonne of Slaaneshi heresy, isn’t it?

  84. The Crowbar says:

    The second, and the hard way, will be more fun for me but not you. It means for you to become a slave, and while I will teat you like a person outside but inside I’ll treat you like a sex slave.

    Whu-

    Did he literally just proclaim to the whole wide world that he has no problems whatsoever with raping someone?

    I-

    Uh-

    This, I say rarely, but… If someone killed EP, it would be a favor to the fucking Universe.

  85. infinity421 says:

    Preferred weapon: boltgun

    Does EP even realise that firing a bolter would shatter his arms and chest from the recoil?

    • SC says:

      He probably doesn’t even realize that civilian boltguns exist either, so I’ll go ahead and say no.

    • erttheking says:

      I’ll let that slide due to the pen and paper games I play having rules where you can use them and Imp guard LTs commonly using bolt pistols. Thing is, he would have no fucking idea how to use a boltgun.

  86. Colonel deFraug says:

    So Herr told me about this story, and I figured: “I’ve been away from the Library for a while, I should go see for myself. How bad could it be?”

    This bad. It can be this bad. And poised to get rapidly worse.

    Gotta say though, you are DEEPLY underestimating the power of the lowly laspistol. I’ve used a compact laspistol and a monoedge sword to slaughter combat servitors and heretic skitaari with a character who was still in the second tier of advancement in Dark Heresy.

    • erttheking says:

      I am well aware that the lasgun makes up the backbone of the Imperium military for good reason, but you have got to agree that it should not be one shotting Eldar. In fact, for all its reliableness, it really shouldn’t be one shotting anything with decent armor. Hell, Only War mentioned that lasguns could be overcharged in a way that vastly improves their ability to pierce armor( +2 damage and +2 AP), I would’ve been slightly more ok with this then, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        I don’t have proper Eldar stats to hand, but I do have Dark Eldar. All of the DE troops (non-grotesque flesh golems) have 12 wounds and 3 to 4 armor.
        The basic M36 Lasgun has a base 1d10+3E damage code that can be boosted to 1d10+4E for two ammo per shot or overloaded to 1d10+5E Pen 2 for 4 ammo per shot and becoming unreliable.

        So yeah, a overload M36 could potentially one shot a DE troop into crit wound territory.

        What you’re more likely seeing is a long-las with a hot-shot pack. (The sniper set up of choice for the IG.) That’s 1d10+4 Pen 4 Tearing, which again -can- one-shot a DE into crit wound territory, and more reliably with a single shot than M36.

        And this doesn’t even get into the Emperor’s Fury rules.

        Now, one-shotting a space elf is a rare occasion, but it can happen with las.

        Really, with Eldar the trouble isn’t hurting them. That’s easy. The trouble is actually -hitting- them. And not dying to their weapons in the mean time. This is why I play psykers. Unnatural Shot is love, and Precognitive Strike is life. (Also, d10s love me.)

        Still, you’ve got to wonder why, as an Inquisitor’s private retinue, they don’t have access to hellguns. I mean, really. I can understand it for the poor schlubs you play at the beginning of a DH campaign (like Mr. Compact Laspistol Ravion Jaghatai, that I mentioned earlier), but these guys are more akin to Ascension level characters, which can do SO much more. (Heretical Space Marine chapter? Unleash the briefcase of flying psy-exploding xenos teeth!)

        • erttheking says:

          That’s if you roll a 10 or 9 for damage. Plus you’re not taking toughness into account. Plus EP didn’t say anything about the long-las using a hot-shot back, espically considering that with a hot-shot you need to reload after every shot, and Ms. catgirl fired twice in short succession, IE, without reloading. Plus there are a shit ton of Eldar profiles in the Rogue Trader expansion Kornonus Bestiary (Which has stats for the Avatar of freaking Khaine…for the particularly suicidal group of players I guess). Warp Spiders have an armor of 7 and a toughness of 3, in addition to 18 wounds. At the very least, Eldar armor seems to be at 5 and can go all the way up to freakng 13 (Though that’s for a Wraithlord, his shit probably isn’t standard issue)! I think it’s safe to say Dark Eldar have lighter armor than the Eldar due to their whole gimmick of being fast moving raiders. From what I’m seeing it’d take around three shots with max damage being rolled to take down a regular Eldar. Maybe two if the gun is overcharged, but I don’t see that being established anywhere.

          And yeah, they really should have hellguns, maybe even freaking plasma rifles. I mean, the pilot has a plasma pistol for god’s sake! It’s not like it’s impossible.

          And really if I should be getting on anything it’s EP’s obsession with autoguns. Those things have half the clip capability of lasguns, aren’t as reliable and can’t be overcharged.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Good point on toughness, forgot that. That does make the longlas even more likely to be the gun of choice since it gets Felling 4. And yes, hotshots are single shot, but there are talents for fast reload that would fit the actions. All of which is me being exceedingly fair to this pile of dreck. Realistically, this would need to be an Emperor’s Fury trigger to fit in the RPG.

        DE do have lighter armor than mainline Eldar, but you do want to be careful with using RT stats, as they tend to be somewhat inflated. (It’s pretty much the least cross-compatible of the systems in my opinion.) But yeah, Eldar hit well, avoid well, but tend to crumple when you do hit them.

        Autoguns and stubbers of all sorts do have the advantage of long burst counts and lots of exotic ammo choices. I’ve known Assassin players to use custom slug rifles with special ammos in preference to just about anything else they could get for a LONG time. Though, again, at this level of the Inquisition, you should be using bolters for that.

        I mean seriously, when I was running the guy that wiped a platoon of Astartes (who was essentially at these character’s prestige level), I had a pair of hellpistols and a pair of meltapistols, and those were my secondaries! When you’re that far up the line, you pretty much can source anything but relics and faction-specific gear, and sometimes you can get that too!

        • erttheking says:

          True, but I seriously doubt that the catgirl could fire a shot, reload, and fire another shot before the Ranger could get a bead on her. Even with rapid reload you’re only allowed to get one shot per turn unless you’re dual wielding. Not to mention I’m pretty sure deliberately missing would count as a called shot, which is a full action.

          Yes, this is true (Freaking organ grinder rounds…Jesus are they broken) but like the hot-shot packs, EP doesn’t actually DO anything with those possibility.

          I’ll do a little digging in a less inflated setting and see if I can find anything. Only War should probably have some Eldar stats.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        OW was actually what I checked for the DE. Standard Eldar were not there for whatever reason. Maybe it’s in one of the books I don’t have.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Didn’t think to check my Black Crusade. Harlequin basics are 3 armor 3 Tough 15 wounds. The Shadowseer is 3 armor 4 Tough 28 wounds. Plus Veil of Tears, Precog Dodge and the Holo-suit. Good lord.

    • GhostCat says:

      This is what it takes to bring you back to the Library?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Fraug, hug me. I’m scared. This guy could rape someone IRL and there’s naught we can do to stop it.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Throw a cupcake into Herr’s bunker*

        There. Eat it wisely, for it is a cupcake. Small in size but more magnificent than a mountain of gold.

    • SC says:

      Oh shit, hi Fraug! Long (-ish) time, no see!

  87. AdmiralSakai says:

    I will teat you like a person outside but inside I’ll treat you like a sex slave.

    Ok, I’ve been chewing over this passage for a while now and I just don’t get it. Why does he feel obliged to treat her normally around other people?

    • erttheking says:

      I think he’s trying to keep up a good image of not being a total monster. He’s failing frankly. Christ EP comes off as a sociopath.

      • The Crowbar says:

        EP is like the most fucked up Evil Overlord I’ve ever seen, except for the fact that he’s too stupid to actually BE an Overlord of anything.

        …That comparison really makes no sense here, but whatever.

        A B-movie villain with Stu powers?

    • GhostCat says:

      Or alternatively, given EP’s tenuous grasp on the mechanics of English, he will outwardly treat her normally but inwardly fantasize about her being his sex slave. That definitely sounds like EP.

  88. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know, for a while I was using EP ‘fics and Subject 23 as inspiration for Palaven’s Dogs‘ villains, as they were certainly a target-rich environment and I sort of hoped that having them called out on their bullshit and filled full of lead might filter back to people like EP who think this sort of thing is OK.

    I’ve kind of had to make an effort to stop doing that, as while these fics are filled with ways to make the Good-Is-Not-Nice attitude of the Homeguard appear more justified, having so many of them was making PD far more sex-focused than I wanted the story to be.

  89. neji7hyuga says:

    Just had an unsettling thought- what would EP do to Tsunade and Mei Terumī? They are two of the strongest kunoichi in Naruto, and leaders of their villages. Hidden Leaf village for Tsunade, Hidden Mist Village for Mei Terumī.

    I hope he does not drag those two into the horribleness of this fic…or any in the future…I respect Tsunade and Mei too much to reduce them to the levels that EP reduced his female characters to.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I think Tsunade and Mei Terumi will be fine. EP doesn’t look like he’s into Naruto, and if he would’ve featured them in a fic I figure it would’ve been Jasmine cumslut, and they were nowhere to be seen in there, so…

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Oh, I see. And true, he does not seem to be into Naruto. Don’t see any crossovers with Naruto or Naruto fanfics in his favorite stories section either.

        EP…there is no credible way to defend him, he’s that bad. It is true that we all were beginner writers at one point and have old shames and some of us may have done less than tasteful things. But people like EP seem to not want to improve in any way. And the things he does- plagiarizing, demeaning female characters, trivializing rape and possibly other things…he has no excuse to keep doing those things. And in earlier comments I heard he pulled the “it is not rape if she enjoyed it” excuse, which is total idiocy. And he keeps pulling excuses and stuff to excuse his writing and thinks he can get away with everything.

        When it comes to commenting on stuff, I try to be a nice guy, try not to be mean to others. Since I don’t like leaving mean stuff, start feeling guilty about it. But people like EP, I am finding it very hard to not say anything too mean. Though some would say he deserves such things said about him.

  90. AdmiralSakai says:

    My buddy Serketry is currently doing a readthrough. His comments will be underlined.

  91. AdmiralSakai says:

    It’s like the guy playing the Space Marines was busy hitting on the girl that walked by the Games Workshop front in the mall, instead of actually playing his forces smart

    Actually, EP is like that kid’s little brother making Pew Pew noises playing with the cool-looking models.

  92. AdmiralSakai says:

    Well, shit.

    I think I’ve figured it out:

    Catgirl on EP’s squad ^ Random cult sacrifices catgirls (or at least girls who make cat sounds) ->

    Catgirl will get captured so that EP can beat off to rescuing her (or catgirl gets captured so that EP can beat off to her bloody demise?).

  93. erttheking says:

    Well good news. My guest review went through.

  94. TacoMagic says:

    Ert: Yeah, it sucks to live in the 41st millennium. LET’S SEE HOW EP DOES A FUCKING SELF INSERT INTO THIS UNIVERSE!

    *Opens a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream and dumps his coffee into it*

    Bottoms up people!

    *Takes a deep swig*

  95. TacoMagic says:

    She welded a bolt pistol in one hand and a power sword in the other.

    Lady, that is NOT how you weld.

  96. TacoMagic says:

    “Normally I would allow it but, he’s new, he may take it the wrong way… so no.” Selena said.

    *facepalm*

    Yes, because Inquisitors are big about making sure they don’t hurt feelings.

    What next? Geneva Convention being upheld by the Orks?

  97. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: He’s a bore precious little bawbe who needs to be cuddled. Who cares if he’s holding someone hostage with a random thing.

    I’ve been picturing him holding an IV bag to her throat.

  98. TacoMagic says:

    “Niiiiaaaaaa.” she yelled as the two men dragged her to the cuffs.

    For crap’s sake, EP! That’s now how you spell Nya(n)!

  99. TacoMagic says:

    He had some experience in combat as he used to do airsoft and paintball.

    Aaaand there’s the moment I’ve been dreading. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here, chewing on the table until the bad thoughts go away.

    • Colonel deFraug says:

      Are you going to need an extra table? Cause that’s a lot of bad thought to wait out.

    • erttheking says:

      I’d say that’s offensive to you as a gun owner, but really it’s offensive to everyone as brain owners.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Wait, does he actually proclaim that?

      Even little ol’ me has been to a gun range, fired pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, carbines, sniper rifles and so on…

      As long as I remember, firing an actual weapon at the place I wanted was quite a bit tougher than paint-fucking-ball.

      • GhostCat says:

        Yeah, that’s the extent of his “combat” experience. He’s treated as a seasoned professional and reacts to awakening in a strange place by immediately taking a hostage and going on the defensive but he’s never seen actual combat.

  100. The Crowbar says:

    Wow.

    We are truly on a roll with this fic.

    • erttheking says:

      Yeah I think I’m gonna have stop whatever fic I’m currently working on whenever this PoS updates.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Which I’m half-hoping never happens.

        Imagine if the next chapters get even worse than this. Our brains would explode from disbelief.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        No. that would fit the established pattern. EP is a recursive spiral of terrible.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Yeah’. That’s why I said half-hoping :(

        If he still chooses to continue this shit, then it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Oh, Crowbar. Oh, dear sweet Crowbar.

        This will not get any better.

        That being said, I could almost see a satire piece for this fic where the Farseer agrees to the ‘sex slave’ BS only to use their absolutely unrestricted psyker powers (which tend to focus on divination, illusion, and manipulation) to trick the puny mon-keigh Inquisitorial party into massive mistakes that lead to the fall of the sector, the deaths of trillions of Imperial citizen, and the loss of a critical forge world that was the producer of a pattern of Sentinel walker, simply to avoid the deaths of a fireteam of Dire Avenger Aspect Warriors that were flamed down by a Sentinel created on that forge world in the original destiny line.

        The best part of this satire? This is perfectly in character for the Eldar.

        • erttheking says:

          Well I don’t think they would do it just to save the death of a fireteam, but yeah, if the destruction of a critical forgeworld, say, prevented the Imperium from deflecting a tendril of Hive Fleet Leviathan into the path of an Eldar Craftworld, I could see a Farseer doing all of that.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Fraug, maybe you can try to get through to EP?

        • erttheking says:

          I think trying to crack his thick skull is an exercise in futility by this point. We just do it because we’d go insane keeping all out criticisms bottled up.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Oh, they’d do it for small numbers like that. I remember multiple comments that Eldar consider any number of human deaths perfectly justified to save a single Eldar. Frankly, the only reason they don’t dick with humans more is due to the whole ‘humans are special’ thing when it comes to destiny.

        And yeah, EP is not a person you reason with. They are a trainwreck you admire from a distance. I really don’t want to expose any of my internet presences to them, or really give them any more validation. Pointing and laughing is pretty much the extent of what I think EP is worth, given previous history.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I actually find it a bit sad, that he doesn’t even bother to think on what we said and simply dismisses it all.

  101. TacoMagic says:

    The door to the room was then opened and the three entered. It was a rich girls room for lack of a description.

    THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SETTING!

  102. TacoMagic says:

    That meant that Imperial command was panicking about something. Then it hit her, there was an Ork group nearby. They must have something to with them panicking. Just then there was a knock on her door and Chris entered.

    Ert, promise me that an Ork doesn’t get added to the harem. Ert? Eeeeeerrrrrrt?

    • The Crowbar says:

      Don’t relax yet, EP will probably update this crap.

      Who knows how large his harem will get this time.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m actually tempted to go over there and start badgering him to include an Ork, just to push this thing into the furthest depths it can reach.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Taco, if you encourage him, I will load up Dwarf Fortress against my better judgement and build a Bridge-a-Pult for your sorry ass specifically.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Bring it!

        Dwarves! We must prepare to unleash hell… and fling it at the enemy!

        *Dwarves wander around in circles complaining that the selection of alcohol isn’t as good as it should be*

        I hate you guys.

        *Taco withdraws from society*

        • The Crowbar says:

          I am not used to micromanaging, so I still haven’t figured out how to efficiently distill enough beer for 100 dorfs.

          They’re just painfully sober all the time.

          I also found out why everyone fears the Catsplosion. Those little bastard lagged my game down to 4 FPS. Eventually I managed to crowd them into one of the lower levels of my mine, and trapped them with a single miner who opened up a path into a lava lake.

          Then a titan came in and ate everyone.

        • TacoMagic says:

          I’m actually pretty good with logistics of material management, I often have a fort of 200 living just fine. However, I’m not great at balancing that with a reasonable military. Generally everything falls apart as soon as the first big siege arrives and I discover that the lever for the safety gates was never actually hooked up to them.

          In other news my best fortress ever:

          Spawnpoint was right next to a pond. Filled with alligators. Angry, giant alligators.

          To give my dwarves credit, some of them died in 2 hits instead of 1.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Poor dorfs xD

          My very first fort died of thirst. The stupid river froze and I didn’t trust the pockets of stagnant water underground.

          I also walled in the first dwarf caravan that came, and then looted their stuff once they were all dead.

          Half the time I spend in Adventure mode, but I for the life of me cannot find any giant monsters or necromancer towers. Everyone who knows their location give detailed descriptions only on bandit camps, nothing else. I just wish there was a way to cheat everythings locations on the map.

          My favorite part is the combat system. Don’t you just love it when a legless Bogeyman bites one of your back teeth out?

        • The Crowbar says:

          Oh, that is beautiful!

          Hmm. Do you know of any stories similar to Boatmurdered? That one kept me laughing for 3 hours straight.

        • TacoMagic says:

          I know of several. One of the most epic was Headshoots. In fact, I’d say Headshoots was more entertaining than Boatmurdered, and featured a lot better writing in general.

          Here’s a link to Headshoots.

          Also, if you liked Boatmurdered, you’d probably really enjoy this reading of it. The guy is just awesome at narrating. He also does some of Headshoots (Which is seriously worth listening to as well), but sadly he abandoned the project before finishing.

        • erttheking says:

          Taco, prove your worth as a leader. Don’t unleash hell. COLONIZE it!

        • The Crowbar says:

          All the dwarves would go crazy from Melancholy and start killing eachother.

        • TacoMagic says:

          I did. Then I put a sub-basement in hell in order to mine some delicious slade to play with >:).

        • The Crowbar says:

          Wait, you can actually do stuff in Hell? O_O

        • erttheking says:

          I never played Dwarf Fortress, but something I do know is that opening a portal to Hell is supposed to be end game shit that’s supposed to wipe you out. All I know is that there’s someone out there you claimed “I just colonized Hell!” And the first response was, “Oh you call that a colony? You can do better than that.”

          That’s what Dwarf Fortress will always be to me.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Yea’h, that’s why it’s called The Circus. Imagine a clown car, only all the clowns look terrifying, are ridiculously murderous, and can incinerate anything in their path. Nothing short of a devious trap or an army of Champions could kill them without half the fort getting annihilated.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Why yes, yes you can:

      • The Crowbar says:

        If you don’t mind me asking, do you know of a way to get all beings’ locations and such into the journal thingie in Adventure mode? I just want to see the combat system at work while I fight giant monsters.

        After the time an ogre chased me for a whole mile while dragging his own guts and puking the whole way, I started loving this game.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m actually not all that well versed in adventure mode, I play mostly fortress.

        That said, there’s probably a setting somewhere in the configs for it. A large amount of DF can be tweaked with configs, so I’d start there.

        However, the seek/quest/reputation system is relatively new (added in DF40), so it may all still be hardcoded. Typically that’s the way that the project progresses. It starts out with everything hardcoded, then as things get refined, we start seeing more configurable tweaks for it.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Ah’, alright.

          Yea’h, I know about the raws. I used them with DFHack to get myself full adamantine armor and weapons to get revenge on Bogeymen after one of them punched my brain out.

          Hmm, maybe Legends mode could help out…

        • TacoMagic says:

          Hmm, looking into it, there is no config for “all knowledge.”

          However, locations don’t change for historical beasts unless they’re raiding. So you could open legends mode and just find out where everything lives and go with that.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Yeh’, I’ll go with that.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Back to your beer problem.

          Your best chain is this: Set up several farms all near a stockpile set to seeds. Have that stockpile set to disallow barrels. I find four 5×5 farms is more than enough to keep up so long as at least one of them is set to plump helmets for all seasons.

          All the farms should be linked to a nearby stockpile for food. Once again, no barrels.

          Link that stockpile to a main holding stockpile on your production floor. That stockpile can have barrels, but should be set to only take from links.

          Build your distilleries near that stockpile and set them to take only from that stockpile.

          Create an output stockpile right next to the distillery that holds only the booze.

          Create another stockpile near your dining rooms that only holds booze. Set that stockpile to only take from the booze stockpile next to the still.

          That sets up a chain where your workers are doing as little of the hauling as possible and all the long-distance hauling is handled by your drudges. It’s pretty efficient, and if you use DFHack to set a minimum for your booze stock, you’ll never run out*.

          *Barring tantrum spirals, sieges, or the booze stockpile catching fire.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Oooh, nice.

          My first semi-succesful fort (the one that got eaten by the giant fly titan) had a farm right next to the entrance, and the food stockpile was on the other side of the fort.

          I went there as an adventurer to claim some adamantine equipment I deliberately left behind for myself, but all my dorfs had turned into murderous ghosts, and I got torn apart at the entrance >_<

        • TacoMagic says:

          Another little tip that isn’t intuitive: When starting out, Savage areas are actually a lot easier than normal or even peaceful ones (so long as they aren’t Evil aligned).

          The reason being that you can find giant animals. Tamed giants are great defense and produce tons of animal products.

          My most successful fort spent 10 years developing and perfecting a giant dingo breeding program. This was back before the armor and undead buff, so a group of 4 trained giant war dingos was more than a match for anything that came knocking on our door.

          Watching the four of them tear apart a siege of 30 goblins? Yeah, that was entertaining. Lost two of them, but both the remaining two got epithets.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Wow. That sounds amazing. I wanted to do a similar thing with that semi-successful fort, but I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to trap the bastards in order to tame them.

          I also saw that on livestock list, there was something called “Drake”, which was apparently just a male duck.

          I so hoped that I could get a dragon and bunker the bastard right next to my entrance…

        • TacoMagic says:

          You actually can capture dragons, they’re just really rare and very hard to tame. Even harder to breed because how difficult getting a mated pair is.

          But, if you want the ultimate in breeding program, you go for Rocs. At the age of 20, a Roc is the size of an 800 year-old dragon.

          Unfortunately Rocs aren’t really any easier to get than dragons.

        • The Crowbar says:

          A lot of things seem rare in Dorf Fort.

          I once visited a goblin dark fortress in Adventure mode. It was empty. Completely empty. I was expecting a giant-ass army to fight in a glorious bloodbath, but nope.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Yeah, there’s a lot of that right now because of the way armies and civilizations work. It’s one of the things on the to-do list. But, in all fairness, the game is in perpetual alpha, so these kinds of weird bugs are to be expected.

          It’s also one of the reasons I play mostly fortress mode. The fun comes to you.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Hmm, yeah. With how large the game is, it will be a long time until it even reaches Beta.

          I just remembered it’s been a while since I’ve started a new fort. This time I’ll practice setting up a competent military, so a giant fly won’t eat all of us so easily. In that fort I had like 50 wardogs guarding the entrance.

          A single goblin once laid siege, and they all attacked him at once. They kept biting his teeth, ears, lips, fingers and whatnot. It went on for a full 10 minutes before the goblin fleed from the onslaught and promptly keeled over in the wilderness from lack of blood.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Ahhh, back in the days when a wardog could actually kill a goblin.

          In some ways it’s a shame that the armor mechanics were changed to make armor actually work.

          And in others, it’s nice that my dwarves don’t immediately get slaughtered by a kobold wielding a stolen hat.

        • erttheking says:

          *From nuke proof bunker* FUCK DRAGONS! JUST FUCK ALREADY!

        • The Crowbar says:

          Ey’!

          …Dragons are awesome.

          The first dragon I ever met in Dorf… I forgot to equip my shield, and remembered that I even had one right AFTER he breathed fire at me.

          You can guess how that went.

        • erttheking says:

          No, I want the dragons to fuck each-OTHER

        • TacoMagic says:

          Dragons have been so much worse to deal with now that they can actually breath fire, fly, and move at the speed of light.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Also, do you think it would be possible to dam a river, and then unleash it on the entire area in case of a siege?

        • TacoMagic says:

          It is entirely possible to dam a river. However, due to the way water works in DF, you can’t really create a large lake to deluge enemies with just by damming.

          To create a deluge of death, you need to create a cistern up at least 1 level and/or pressurize the water with pumps.

          Better yet, use lava.

        • The Crowbar says:

          I tihnk I might go with water, since I want to kill all the caravans too and loot their crap.

          Walling them off in the trade depot didn’t work, since that resulted in a lot of miasma, ghosts and general unhappiness becuase of dead dorfs.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Bah, there’s a much easier way. Killing them with water will still end with ghosts and unhappiness.

          If you want to rob a caravan without the consequences, wait for the caravan to unload, then deconstruct the trade depot. They’ll drop all the goods and happily leave the map.

          But if we’re talking about elves, lava from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

        • The Crowbar says:

          There are so many different things I want to build in Dorf Fort, but I also have to juggle the entire fort itself all the time. It makes it a lot more fun, but I wish I was a bit more competent, since my success rate with my projects so far is like 1 in every 10 forts.

      • TacoMagic says:

        1 in 10 is pretty respectable, especially if you haven’t spent a few years learning how to DF.

        It took me a solid 6 months before I had what I’d term as a successful fort (Unleashed and survived the Circus). And even then, I had to cheese that by encasing the clowns in obsidian. It was probably another year to 18 months before I successfully pulled off a legitimate military circus visit. And even then, that was before the buffs that the clowns and undead got in DF2014.

        • The Crowbar says:

          That’s what I actually tried to do. I tried to unleash The Circus to see if my wardogs are worth shit, but then that giant fly came…

          It’s my most memorable fortress, and it survived for like, 5 years or so.

          Half of the deceased died in a cave-in because I tried to carve out an underground graveyard.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Yeah, the wardogs, especially now, won’t do well against the circus. Hell, even 3-5 full squads of dwarves fully clad in candy guarding a specifically designed arena only have a modest chance of success against it.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Oh wow.

          I COULD arrange a cave-in with small pockets next time… Tell the miners to clear it out, and whenever a demon appears, they can pick them off one by one…

          Or I could just say “fuck it” and drop a metric fuckton of lava on top of them.

          Though the first sounds a bit more Fun.

        • TacoMagic says:

          They’re immune to lava. You have to coat them in lava, then turn it all to obsidian to kill them.

          Otherwise, yeah, tactical cave-in is a pretty standard approach.

        • The Crowbar says:

          I also ended up with 2 adamantine crowns. They were worth a million each, and that’s why the fucking titan even came in the first place.

          My wealth was comfortably low before those 2 crazed craftsmen brought death to us all because they just had to craft something pretty.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Also, are the nobles really as bad in Dorf Fort as everyone claims?

      • The Crowbar says:

        Is there even any use for Slade? I mean, it seems pretty fucking dangerous to mine that stuff.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Nobles are not nearly as bad as they used to be. In the earlier days of DF, you could get endless waves of only nobles, and they’d just wander around demanding stuff without doing anything. They now have specific gates so that you never get more than a handfull of them.

        So, nobles have a bit of an earned reputation, but they’ve been improved a lot since the 40d days.

        So far as slade, most reasons to do anything with it is because you can. You can build with slade to do anything that you can do with stone, so a large tower of slade would be a huge feather in your cap.

        You can also make crazy weapons and armor out of it, but due to how heavy it is, nothing can use it anymore. It used to be that a bug in encumbrance let you use the weapons, but no longer from what I hear.

        • erttheking says:

          I created the most powerful sword in the world. AND IT’S TOO FUCKING HEAVY FOR ANYONE TO USE!

        • TacoMagic says:

          Pretty much.

          Or things like wheelbarrows made out of adamantine that triple the value of your fort and cause titans to attack. Thanks, strange moods.

        • erttheking says:

          Though wouldn’t that stuff be good in castle walls? I mean, if it’s too heavy to move you pretty much NEED to put it in stuff that won’t be moving.

        • TacoMagic says:

          DF hasn’t yet implimented a material quality check on walls. From the standpoint of defense, a wall made of slade is every bit as defensive as a wall made out of soap*.

          *And before you ask, yes I have made a castle out of soap.

        • erttheking says:

          I would like this game if I could understand how to play it (and get a version that ran well on a mac)

        • TacoMagic says:

          Yeah, DF has one of the most brutal learning curves and hostile UI’s that I’ve ever played. It really isn’t for everyone, that’s for sure.

          If it wasn’t for… everything else about it, I wouldn’t have bothered. If nothing else, the sheer bulk of fiction surrounding it always draws me back in, even after I take long breaks from it.

          And the mac thing… bleh yeah, that’s an issue. I don’t think there’s been a competent Mac port out since like V.31.

        • erttheking says:

          I got one that ran, but for some reason when the window came up the game itself was shoved into the corner.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Hmm, odd. Sounds like maybe something messed up in the d_init.config.

          That’s the most likely problem to my mind, especially if you were attempting to use a graphics pack.

        • The Crowbar says:

          I was put off by the ASCII graphics for about a year, until I finally decided to give it a try. My personal favorite bit of the game is it’s amazing combat system.

          This one time in Adventure mode, I was asked to kill a witch everyone was really scared of. So after searching for a week, I found her lair, and walked inside. I saw a cauldron with a bronze ladle inside. I took it, and suddenly she jumps out of nowhere and starts stabbing me with a bronze fork.

          I bitchslap her with the flat of my axe, but she still keeps coming at me. I chop off all 4 of her limbs. She keeps rolling after me, trying to bite me. It took 5 chops to the neck before the crazed witch finally succumbed to blood loss of all things. The whole entrance to her lair was caked in her blood.

        • The Crowbar says:

          So slade is pretty much the heaviest stuff?

          Huh. So it could technically make better blunt weapons than silver or platinum, if only someone could lift the damn thing?

        • TacoMagic says:

          Pretty much. Arena testing showed slade warhammers to one-shot pretty much anything they hit.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I got off my lazy bum and started a new fort, “Torchtrussed”! Goblins shall tremble before my mighty army!

        …Oh crap, I forgot I need an accountant.

        Also, what the hell? I went into the advanced embark screen, and I could only add livestock to my list of stuff I want to bring with me? Meh’, I’ll just get a ton of dogs. At the very least they’ll be cannon fodder…

      • The Crowbar says:

        Also, do you have Steam?

        If you don’t mind me asking ,that is.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Ert, promise me that an Ork doesn’t get added to the harem. Ert? Eeeeeerrrrrrt?

      Please make this happen, oh please oh please oh please….

    • erttheking says:

      There’s a distinct lack of vaginas among the Orks, so don’t worry…the Tau on the other hand…well…I can’t make any promises…OH FUCK ME IF HE ADDS A CULTIST!

  103. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: I wanted dat ass!…Oh Christ I just said that.

    *Plops a bottle of Bailey’s Coffee into the orbital launcher and aims it at Ert’s station*

    Incoming, Nora, I think you need this more than I do right now.

  104. SC says:

    And to think, all these comments started with me and Leo.

    Sheesh. XD

    • The Crowbar says:

      And it’s still going!

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I wonder what the site record for the most comments on a single post is- there doesn’t seem to be any way to rank them by views or comments, sadly.

      • SC says:

        It would take forever if we tried.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Depends on what you count. Record holder is the suggestions page. Before the first culling, it had hit 1200.

        So far as most views. That used to be something I could look up, but WP recently changed the way they do stats, so it’s now impossible for me to pull those numbers, unfortunately.

      • GhostCat says:

        There is if you’re a Librarian; I can see a list of most commented posts on the dashboard. This post wins by a wide margin, the next closest is 744: To Love Another Soul – Chapter One with 239.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Oh hey, there’s the old stats page, didn’t even know you could get to it from there.

        Top 5 most viewed pages in order:

        Twin Humanities Chapter 18 and 19
        The Prayer Warriors Chapter 1 and 2
        Pingu’s Venture into Sexual Activity
        Trapped chapters 1-5
        Asari Healing Chapter 3

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Top 5 most viewed pages in order:

        Twin Humanities Chapter 18 and 19
        The Prayer Warriors Chapter 1 and 2
        Pingu’s Venture into Sexual Activity
        Trapped chapters 1-5
        Asari Healing Chapter 3

        That frightens me for multiple reasons.

      • TacoMagic says:

        And, oddly enough, Chapter 24 wasn’t one of the two times we’ve had to lockdown the comments.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Questing was also the only time that I was flat-out mean to an author in an attempt to hurt feelings. She wasn’t getting why Psychic was so upset that she’d been threatened with immolation and Kamielle needed a wake-up slap and a boot out the door.

        • The Crowbar says:

          …Threatened with immolation?

          What.

        • TacoMagic says:

          She did an author’s note where she expressed a desire to light Psychic on fire and was asking others to join her.

          She claimed it was metaphorical or some such, and pulled the chapter then apologized, but it was in pretty bad taste. Psychic refused to accept the apology, which was her right, and the author got her panties in a twist for not receiving forgiveness for it.

          That’s when I stepped in. I also took the riff off Psychic’s hands at her request because she didn’t feel she could remain objective, which was probably the right choice.

        • erttheking says:

          We have to stay objective? *Looks at rift* Er….

        • TacoMagic says:

          EP might be a special case where objectivity isn’t really needed because he’s a first-class ass-nugget.

          In general, though, objective riffing tends to be more humorous than just trying to be as insulting/hurtful to the author as possible.

        • erttheking says:

          Yeah. To be honest, NOT wondering what the hell is wrong with EP is more than indicative of bias on in favor.

        • The Crowbar says:

          *snerk*

          Whoops?

        • GhostCat says:

          The author got mad and posted an Author’s Note chapter threatening our Librarian before heading over to our comments sections to generally act like a bitch through two different accounts. She did back off a little bit and seemed contrite, until we found her AN chapter – her argument was that she had posted the AN when she was still angry but since she had later apologized we should be okay with it.

        • The Crowbar says:

          Wow. Well then…

  105. neji7hyuga says:

    Over 500 comments?! Geez, that’s a lot!

    And the most viewed list TacoMagic put up in the above comments-

    Twin Humanities Chapter 18 and 19

    The Prayer Warriors Chapter 1 and 2

    Pingu’s Venture into Sexual Activity

    Trapped chapters 1-5

    Asari Healing Chapter 3

    Not too surprised, and that old shame of mine, Asari Healing, sometimes I question why I even wrote it.

    Though at least it is not the worst. I could have been worse, like EP…

    • erttheking says:

      You have grown much my friend. :)

    • The Crowbar says:

      Man, I wish everyone could take old shames as well as you do.

      Or maybe not. That would mean we wouldn’t get any hilarious angry letters.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I think that part of it is that, while obviously not of the finest quality, Asari Healing was a genuine attempt to write a good, clean adventure ‘fic that introduced sleazy or just plain nasty content only unintentionally, as opposed to things like EP’s ‘fics where the “good guys” are clearly bigoted and evil.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        True, I agree with what you said.

        It was an attempt to write a good, clean adventure fic that ended up introducing that kind of stuff unintentionally due to what was most likely lack of explaining and description.

        And true about the “good guys” in EP’s fics. They’re clearly bigoted and evil.

  106. erttheking says:

    I don’t really feel comfortable giving out EP’s information to extremists who we KNOW are going to abuse him. No matter how horrible he is we ourselves need to hold ourselves to standards. I’ll post the story to the Fanfiction facebook group Herr SC and I are a part of, the people there will criticize him without harassing him.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Yeah’. I thought it might be going overboard, too. EP is a massive prick, but no one deserves a tumblr lynch mob.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well, I was sort of hoping that what would happen would be that EP and the mob would wind up distracting or weakening each other. But Tumblr feeds on outrage, and these are people and not pawns I can move around. Thanks, Ert, for reminding me of that.

  107. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Ert? I think you a word here again:
    “There certainly would be a buffet.”

  108. The Crowbar says:

    *The Crowbar climbs out of his demolished bunker, spitting out a piece of Painter jelly that caught in his teeth during one of the explosions. All around are other destroyed bunkers, the viewing room itself is vaporised, everything is shrouded by smoke and anything that is still flammable is burning.*

    Is…

    Has the comment section finally calmed down?

    *The Crowbar crawls off to find the kitchen*

  109. AdmiralSakai says:

    WE BROKE 600! WE BROKE 600! YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

  110. "Lyle" says:

    Took me a while to get through this one. Just the mention of “EP” is enough to make me feel the rage coming on. What an utter waste of carbon he is. He is a textbook case of why feminism still needs to exist in this world.

  111. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    oh

    oh God

    why

    WHY

    I leave this place for like one month and I come back to this D:

    (…does this also mean that you’re currently going through existing 40k fics with a more… fine tooth comb now? …including crossovers?)

    )

  112. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    Frankly, I was worried I might’ve saw ‘Catachan FurRies’ in there.

  113. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    Mein gott

    my faith in the fanbase is utterly shaken by the alarmingly large amohnt of positive site reviews for the story


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