1137: Trapped – Chapters 1-5Posted: August 11, 2015
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5
Critiqued by Erttheking. Who needs a freaking drink
TRIGGER WARNING! ANYONE WHO HAS BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
Nora: *Looks up* Fucking really?
Ert: *Gags* another EP fic. Another fucking-ugh. I feel like I’m a scientist who found a Baboon in the wildness dying from an unknown disease, and it’s my duty to record every last symptom. Even as the Baboon bleeds from its eyes, leaks a sickly yellow puss from its anus and has giant red boils all over its body.
Nora: Be strong man.
Shepard: Do I HAVE to do this one?
Shepard: I mean come on. EP wasn’t perfect. Hell, he was bad, I’ll even say that, but he wasn’t as bad as you say he is.
Ert: *Gargles mouthwash*
Nora: We’ll see about that.
Ert: *Spits* Ok. this time EP did a 40k fic. For those of you who don’t know, Warhammer 40k is a tabletop game created by Games Workshop. It’s set in the GRIMDARK 41st millennium, where mankind has formed a massive empire spanning over a million planets. Ten thousand years ago, it was ruled by the Emperor of Mankind, a powerful being born in the stone age when thousands upon thousands of human psykers sacrificed themselves to combine their souls into one, forming a mighty soul that was greater than the sum of its parts.
Ert: Eventually in the year 30,000, the Emperor united humanity under his rule in the Imperium of Man, creating twenty legions of massive super soldiers named Space Marines (And Games Workshop has copyrighted the term because…they’re evil) and twenty sons called Primarchs who were even more powerful than the Space Marines to lead the Legions in the process. Two of the legions and Primarchs were stricken from history for reasons unknown (Because you can create custom armies in 40k and GW wanted to leave the door open).
Ert: The Emperor’s ruling policy was egalitarianism, scientific progress and atheism (because he knew that gods existed and it turned out they were all assholes. What with the Gods being the CHAOS Gods and all, and he was trying to weaken them by denying them worship…didn’t work). Things were going well, until the Chaos Gods managed to corrupt nine of the eighteen remaining Primarchs because, OOPS, daddy never mentioned to his kids that there were malevolent Gods out there that wanted to kill them all. Even the one that kept poking his head into the realm of the Chaos Gods.
Ert: This was the beginning of the Horus Heresy, in which the Emperor’s former favorite child, Horus, led eight of his brothers in rebellion along with the legions and massive swaths of humanity. The war was seven years long, pretty short by 40k standards, but it DEVASTATED making. All of the loyal Primarchs who weren’t killed in the fighting went missing shortly after, only two of the traitor Primarchs died (Horus being one of them) and the Emperor was mortally wounded in a duel with Horus.
Ert: Technically the loyalists won the Horus Heresy, but it was a very empty victory. With the Primarchs and the Emperor gone, the Imperium became a theocratic, feudal nightmare. The Emperor was worshiped as a god, despite him going out of his way to say that ISN’T what he wanted to happen. Fun fact, the holy text for the Imperium of man was written by one of the traitor Primarchs, who turned to Chaos out of desperation for someone to worship and after worshiping the Emperor…really didn’t work out.
Ert: Technology is barely understood, with only tech priests getting it to work by “appeasing the machine spirits”. The Emperor is barely alive on life support and is acting as a beacon in the Warp (the realm of chaos that’s sadly necessary for FTL travel) and requires a thousand sacrificed souls every day to stay alive. If he dies, mankind is screwed because they need him to travel through the Warp. Theocratic nut jobs run the Imperium now, killing all those who don’t worship the Emperor or who are suspected of worshiping chaos or being an unsanctioned psyker (untrained psykers can be exploited by Daemons). Oh, and mankind is under siege from all sides by aliens that want to kill them for some reason, either because they’re seen as inferior, they’re trying to wipe out all organic life, they’re hungry or they’re just bored. And most of the traitor Primarchs and their Legions are still alive and wrecking shit.
Ert: Yeah, it sucks to live in the 41st millennium. LET’S SEE HOW EP DOES A FUCKING SELF INSERT INTO THIS UNIVERSE!
Preferred weapon: boltgun, chainswaord.
Nora: Oh a chainswaord. Those are really hard to master. Also, EP hasn’t even fucking gotten into the world of 40k and he’s already saying what his preferred weapons are. Not even trying is he? Oh yeah, and Chris is EP’s actual name. No denying the fact that this is a self insert.
Info: Chris is a former college student that has somehow found his way into the 41st millennium.
Shepard: Well, at least there’s no random teleporters. Yet.
Name: Selena Yamari
Preferred weapon: Power sword and bolt pistol.
Ert: Ah, an Inquisitor. What Ordo is she in? Xenos? Malleus? Hereticus? (Each Inquisitor belongs to an Ordo or an order. Xeno deals with aliens, Malleus with Daemons and Hereticus are witch hunters). Oh…there’s not one given. See, for someone who’s supposed to be a big fan of 40k like EP sometimes says he is, he kind of misses little details like saying what the Inquisitor’s JOB is.
Info: A voluptuous Inquisitor, Selena has the mind of seeing the grey area and uses it like some inquisitors.
Nora: *Smacks face* Of course. We don’t know her position, but we know she has big tits. EP writing at its finest.
Ert: At least it showed that she’s a radical Inquisitor instead of a puritan one. Though radical Inquisitors are usually shown as trying to defeat mankind’s enemies through extreme use of alien or Chaos artifacts that have a heavy chance of backfiring. Why is it I get the feeling this one is going to be more watered down than that?
Name: Vilana Kiross
Occupation: heavy weapons expert
Preferred weapon: heavy bolter
Info: a sisters of battle maiden. Vilana was a Cadian born but was brought up in one of the chapels of the sisters of battle. She was selected to be part of Selena’s group for her knowledge about weapons.
Shepard: Knowledge about weapons? Isn’t the Imperium so war crazed that they can’t actually count the number of foot soldiers they have?
Ert: Estimated to be in the trillions, but yeah. Throw a rock into a crowd and odds are you’ll hit someone that knows about weapons.
Name: Mikana Filanx
Preferred weapon: long-shot lasgun sniper rifle.
Nora: HA! A lasgun! Have fun killing things with your flashlight lady! Seriously, lasguns are, at best, equal to modern day weapons. Lets just say that really doesn’t hold up in 40k, and you need more things like bolters, guns that shoots .75 caliber rocket propelled grenades. The only reason lasguns are so popular is that they’re cheap, they can easily be recharged and they’re reliable. The appeal to them is that making trillions of them to arm humanity’s massive army is actually possible. That and they’re a bit more effective when used in massive amounts.
Info: a felinid sniper, Mikana is one of the few felines that can leave their homeworld. She is a very loyal soldier and has superior nose and ears.
Shepard: The hell is a Felinid?
Ert: Unno. The only canon information on them is this.
The Felinids, also known as Homo Sapien Hirsutus, are a recognized strain of Abhuman within the Imperium. They are restricted to the world of Carlos McConnell.
Ert: Hold on, let me check fanon…oh. They’re cat girls…oh yeah I forgot to mention. This is a HAREM story. EP. Self insert. Harem. Yeah. If it’ll make you feel any better, there’s no real canon information on the Felinids, so I prefer to think that this video captures them perfectly.
Ert: Note that EP seemed to work his way into the video at 1:13
Name: Kimsa Yangari
Occupation: cultural expert
Preferred weapon: shotgun
Nora: Cultural expert, HA! As if the Imperium cares. Their policy for dealing with Xenos is “Do we absolutely NEED to work with them to survive? If the answer is no, kill them all.” And sometimes when the answer is yes they try to kill them anyway.
Info: A former princess of a feudal world Kimsa didn’t really care for her royal/ noble blood and was more interested in culture. Because of her extensive knowledge Selena had her join so that she would get to her mission done faster.
Shepard: A princess on a backwater planet has extensive knowledge into culture? I…ugh. Ok, ok, so EP is rather divorced from reality, he’s still not the anti-christ.
Ert: Just you wait. Also, a nun, a catgirl, a big breasted Inquisitor and a princess are all on EP’s to fuck list. Charming. And a shotgun? A regular ass shotgun? This is the personal party of an INQUISITOR! Why do these people have so many shitty weapons!?
Name: Zemus Orica
Occupation: minor Psyker/ pilot
Preferred weapon: laspistol, auto pistol, plasma pistol
Nora: Preferred weapons are pistol, pistol and pistol. Because that makes sense. Doesn’t exactly sound like she’s dual wielding them, and what is she going to do when she gets into a situation where a pistol doesn’t bloody cut it?
Ert: Also, in order, that pistol is shit, that pistol is shit, that pistol is pretty damn powerful but be careful you don’t overheat it if you value your hand.
Info: orphaned at a young age Zemus is an Amazonian woman who joined up with the navy and gained respect for being a brilliant pilot. She was recruited by Selena to get her where she needed.
Nora: Considering EP’s previous works with the word “Amazonian” I have very real concerns that this woman will have a dick. I apologize to all Hermaphrodites in the audience.
Shepard: I-WHAT!? Is he just writing badly done porn at this point?
“Thank mate.” Chris said as he left the shop with a full bag.
Chris was a former college student who was looking for work.
Ert: I’m gonna be mean. He doesn’t say college graduate, he says “former college student” Show of hands, who thinks EP is a college dropout? I sure as fuck do.
But that didn’t necessary mean that he couldn’t have any fun. He had bought several 40k models along with paint brushes, paint and a codex rulebook. He had stopped playing for while as such he needed to update. As he put his headphones in a thunderclap then scared him half to death. Sighing he moved along the street. That was close as the downpour continued.
Nora: So a few models and a rulebook. That’ll set him back a couple hundred pounds.
Ert: Games Workshop is currently run by douchebags. It’s why I’ll play the many video games and read the books that are from 40k, but I will never play the tabletop game. The prices are absurd.
He made his way to a traffic light in order to cross to get to a bus stop. But as she stood next to it a lightning bolt hit the object and the lightning hit him. He screamed out in pain but while it lasted for a few moments it then disappeared, as did Chris but not his bag which fell to the floor.
Shepard: Well that was rather quick.
Nora: No kidding. Fuck build up, he likes 40k. That’s all you need to know, now into the 40k verse.
Ert: Via lightning bolt. Herr is still the most novel way into another universe, playing a piano for twelveish hours straight until you hallucinate from the experience.
“Ha come and get it Xenos scum.” cried a sister of battle welding a heavy bolter.
Bolter rounds flew through the air before impacting the wrathbone of Eldar armour. The sister laughed out loud as the Eldar fell back thanks to her bolter fire. But from a raised position on a hill not too far away a hooded Eldar ranger took aim at the sister. But unknown to him a woman in the threes had already got a feed on him and aimed her sniper at him. She smiled and fired first to get his attention.
Shepard: So they’re fighting Eldar?
Ert: Yup. Eldar are rather elvish with a good deal of technology that is more advanced than the Imperium and egos the size of small moons. They used to rule the galaxy but their empire fell after they accidentally created the fourth Chaos God (Long story) and now they’re fragmented, most of them living in giant moon sized starships called Craftworlds. Also if they can save a hundred Eldar by causing a million humans to die, they will do it without a second thought.
The Ranger looked up at her only to be met by a red bolt in the face. She smiled as a tail behind her waved in the air.
Nora: Yeah, no, fuck you. Eldar have a very unique way of learning combat, in that they go down “paths” and have it imprinted on them. The good news is that it causes them to be stupidly good at whatever they were specialized at, with the downside being that they’re hopeless in all other fields. There’s a sayings. Six Space Marines and six Eldar fight. The Space Marines kill five of the Eldar, and the last Eldar kills the Space Marines.
Ert: And this is a Ranger. Rangers have been known to pin down entire COLUMNS of infantry. Standard operating procedure for dealing with them is an ARTILLERY STRIKE! What’s more, Rangers have stealth cloaks, ones so effective that they actually can’t see beyond it and have to rely on psyker powers to know where they’re going. And this stupid fucking catgirl somehow magically knew where this master sniper was. Because HUMANITY, FUCK LOGIC! That’s assuming that her crummy little rifle would do anything to the Ranger’s armor, WHICH I DOUBT!
Behind the sister another women came up. She was dressed in a long red coat with an armoured corset on and thigh-high boots on. She welded a bolt pistol in one hand and a power sword in the other. She aimed at the fleeing Eldar and fired two rounds. Both of them hit the Eldar squad leader in the back killing him dead.
Shepard: Do bolt rounds piercing Eldar armor make more sense?
Ert: I’ll allow it. Still, Eldar RUNNING!? NOPE! NOOOOOOO!
Nora: And killing him dead. As opposed to killing him alive.
Unknown to her a warp spider was in the trees and looked down on her for a moment before jumping. But before he landed on her a loud bang sounded causing him to fly backwards into the trees. She pulled the pump back as she moved up next to the coated woman. This one wore Cadian flak armour and tunic but without the selves and a shotgun shell bandoleer across her large chest.
Ert: FUCKING WHAT!? WHAT!? Warp Spiders teleport to their enemies, kill them, then teleport away before anyone can retaliate. They always ambush their enemies, and yet somehow EP’s future fuck toy managed to magically find it? EP, all of your fuck toys can’t know where all the enemy soldiers are hiding just because you want to deny the reality that realistically the Eldar should be butchering them all. And a shotgun wouldn’t do shit against regular Eldar armor, Warp Spiders have heavier armor than usual. In fact, let’s watch a video of a Warp Spider killing A SPACE MARINE!
Nora: Frankly that entire video shows Space Marines fighting Eldar and taking heavy losses in the process. I consider it relevant. At the beginning a Ranger headshots a Space Marine before the Marine even knew he was there.
The last of the Eldar fled into the trees allowing the women to form up. The sister then stopped firing her heavy bolter but kept a look out just in case they where going to get ambushed.
Ert: So who is she shooting at exactly?
“Unyaaaaaa.” the sniper said as she stretched out after jumping down from the three she was on.
She was a Felinid, a…catgirl to be accurate. She was one of the few allowed to leave her planet but the reason was not well known.
Ert:…So I say if it’s an anime trope that’s watered down and pandering and full of stupid bullshit, we call it animu. This is animu right here. Oh and the reason she was permitted to leave? So EP could fuck her. Also, catgirl to be accurate? EP, proper terminology is something you freaking suck at. Mainly because you seem to think animu terms can be used to describe medical conditions.
“Good shot as always Mikana.” said the coated woman.
“Thank you Selena, or should I say inquisitor?” the catgirl said purring.
Nora: Oh Christ. I don’t want to judge but what is the appeal of this? Not of being attracted to something with a tail or fur, oddly enough I get that. No, what is the appeal of something ACTING LIKE THIS!? Puring, acting cutesy, saying “Unyaaaaaa”, it’s fucking annoying!
The woman with the shotgun just sighed. She was Kimsa Yangari, a former princess but after a rebellion she was little more the a peasant bur she didn’t care much as she had already joined the guard as a cultural expert.
Shepard: Wait a rebellion?
Ert: Yeah, an actually interesting story might go into detail about that, but EP just wanted an excuse to get a princess to fuck.
Shepard: Going a little overboard aren’t you?
Ert: Only a little.
Mikana was dressed in a tank top and camo trousers to blend in.
Nora: Yeah, no one will spot her in that camp tank top.
but there where holes so that her tail could move. The others shook their heads as her cat ears began to twitch.
“Huh? Something coming.” she said.
“TANK!” the battle sister yelled running toward them as fast as her legs would carry her.
Ert: It’s Sister of Battle, not battle sister EP, for god’s sake. Would it kill you to do a LITTLE research?
The other three turned to see an Eldar Fire prism tank smashing though the trees.
Ert: Yeah, see, this is what I mean. A prism tank isn’t a front line battle tank. It’s a tank designed to kill another tanks, mainly by snipping them at a distance. Fuck’s sake
“Oh Emperors teeth.” Selena moaned.
Nora: Yeah, I can hear him grinding them in anger.
The main cannon fired, the energy projectile missed and allowed the four to find cover and hide.
Shepard: A tank blast missed? Not even the explosion got them?
Ert: EP doesn’t want his sex dolls hurt.
Aside for the heavy bolter they had little to take on a tank. Bolters even heavy bolters where not the best idea to take the beast on. But Selena had her finger on her ear. Soon the sound of jets sounded in their ears.
“Unyaaa finally.” Mikana said as she watched as a Valkyrie came into sight.
Nora: Please tell me that “unyaaa” stuff isn’t supposed to be cute. It’s rather childish.
The tank baked a bit as the gunship came in and fired a salvo of storm bolter fire. The rounds bounced off the armour as the main gun charged up. But when it fire the gunship rolled to the side before it fired three rockets. All of them hit the mark and the tank exploded sending wrathbone armour everywhere.
Ert: Yeah, see, this is why a prism tank wouldn’t be bum rushing the front lines. I’d also like to know exactly how the Eldar didn’t notice a gunship in the distance, they’re not exactly subtle. But it’s an EP fic, threatening antagonists aren’t allowed.
“Good shot Zemus.” Selena said with a smirk on her face.
Shepard:…*Sigh*. I do have to admit that does get rather annoying.
“No problem I’ll keep the air clear, by the way I’ve picked up a power surge where the webway gate is. But the odd thing is that the Eldar haven’t left yet.” Zemus said over the comm.
“Copy and thanks.” Selena said as the gunship flew away. “Something up move with caution.”
Ert: I have nothing to back this up, but I’m pretty sure Humanity doesn’t know how the Eldar FTL network works. It took the Emperor decades to understand it, and he took the knowledge with him when he was nearly killed.
“Farseer we cannot determine what is causing the fluctuation.” one of the Guardian squad leaders.
“I can see that,” the Farseer said looking at the webway gate.
Farseer Valnran had been on this hell hole of a planet for too long and she wanted to get back as soon as she could.
Ert: Oh Christ, not a Farseer. They’re among the most powerful Psykers in the Eldar race, they can kill people with their bloody brains. And I just know EP is going to fuck this up too, making it so that the Inquisitor’s half assed team will kick her ass.
Humans where so naive about what was on this planet that they deserved to die. Filthy beings, but she had to give credit where it was due, they where stubborn and tough.
Nora: No dear, it’s just lazy writing.
The Webway had been fluctuating for the last hour so whatever was wrong with it must be due to something trying to come in or something else.
Shepard: Uh, I don’t see the connection between the Eldar Webway and being hit by lightning.
Ert: That’s because there isn’t one.
The thing was that she had never heard about Webways acting like this. Just then gunfire came from the tree line. It came so fast that her last group of Guardians fell without hesitation.
Ert: Christ the Eldar in this story are getting the shaft
Valnran took cover behind a rockcreet barricade that an old human force left behind. She only had a group of Rangers who had taken cover in the trees.
Nora: Oh, well this fight should be over in three seconds. A few well placed shots and the Inquisitor’s team is done for. Oh right, Eldar aren’t allowed to do anything in this story.
The fire continued as a human female walked out holding a heavy bolter in hand.
She had stopped firing but had he weapon trained on the Farseer.
“Surrender witch we have you surrounded.” she said.
Nora: At least from this side!
The Farseer could not help but let her mouth curl into a smile as she still had her Rangers in the trees. But just then the sound of gunfire met her ears. She looked to her left where the Rnagers had gone to see slug thrower flashes in the darkness of the trees and feared the worst. When the firing stopped a moment latter, she watched as a large muscular human holding two auto pistols in hand come out followed by the feared Catachan jungle fighters.
Shepard: Why is this woman on a mission against advanced Eldar forces using guns that are basically 21st century pistols? Weapons are are more commonly used by poor Planetary defense forces and gangs in 40k?
Ert: Because EP doesn’t do research. Also that was the pilot. Meaning she somehow landed her massive gunship and crept up on the expert Eldar snipers without them noticing and killed them with shitty pistols because fuck logic.
She could just surrender she had to do something.
Ert: How about kill them all with your brain? You’re a fucking Farseer. You’re an Eldar HERO UNIT!
Normally she would have senses them but thanks to something on this world her senses where dulled. Just as she was about to move she felt a steel sword press against her neck. Looking up she saw the female Inquisitor who had been hunting her.
“If you value your life you will surrender.” the Inquisitor said.
Nora: Blink and make her head explode!
The Farseer just looked at the human with death in her eyes before dropping her sword. With that she stood as two more human came from the treeline followed by Hazard suited Caidans. One of then had a tail and cat ears. That was odd normally those abhumans where kept on their world. But the Farsser then knew that this Inquisitor had her surrounded.
Ert:…Oh don’t tell me. Do NOT tell me that EP is going to have one of the most powerful beings in the 40k universe suck his dick.
Selena smiled as she took out a pair of cuffs that prevented from the Eldar using their Pyker powers.
Ert: You mean the ones that don’t fucking exist? Yes, the Imperium has ways to suppress the power of Psykers. They do NOT have ways to surprises Psykers as powerful as fucking Farseers. The only thing I can think of is a Blank, a person who can shut down all Psyker abilities around him, but none of the Inquisitor’s party members are blanks. Mainly because Blanks are emotionally dead and may be rather smelly, so I doubt EP would like them. (Oh, and the big muscular woman is from a planet where they refuse to bathe. I think EP missed the memo on that one.)
She forced the Eldar to tun and cuff her hands behind her back before letting the Catachaian Jungle fighters lave with her. She then turned to the Cadain Sargent with fury in her eyes.
“I TOLD YOU TO HOLD POSSITION!” she yelled as she walked up to him.
Shepard: What position? It feels like she’s yelling for no reason.
Nora: She is. Oh God, please don’t tell me this is going to be a Tsundere, we have enough animu with the cat girl thank you very much.
The other Cadians backed up a bit as they knew her temper. The Sargent just stood there looking at her.
“And I told you that I doubted the Xenos would double back!” the Sargent said back. “They are aliens, animals and must be treated as such. And I refuse to take orders form a subhuman!”
Ert: Cadians are people from the planet Cadia, which is essentially the front line against Chaos. They are raised from birth to be soldiers and wouldn’t make rookie mistakes like that.
Mikana hissed in annoyance as the fire in the Inquisitors eyes burned even brighter. She pulled out her bolt pistol and aimed it at his chest.
“I have the authority and the right to kill you now! But your skills are not in question, as such…” she said lowing her pistol. “…you’d better hope that I do not find a better replacement.”
Nora: First of all, the subhuman wasn’t giving him any orders. Second of all, Inquisitor, what are you going to kill him for? Not liking abhumans? That’s the Imperium’s doctrine “suffer not the alien, the mutant, the heretic”. The only reason some abhumans are allowed to live in the Imperium is because of the use that they provide in battle.
“Huph.” was all the Sargent said.
Just then the fluctuation of the Webway portal began to glow purple making people take notice. It then glowed red, then green then blue. The portal flashed between these four colours fast making the soldiers back up until they where almost at the treeline. It then turned white before firing something out of it before shutting down. The object it flew and landed in a heap by the ruin. Once it landed the Hazard Cadians moved up fast lasguns up.
Shepard: While nothing important is going on, something confuses me. Inquisitors don’t just go running off to the front line of a random war willy nilly. What brought this Inquisitor here?
Ert: EP’s cock.
Shepard: Seriously man.
Ert: EP didn’t giver her a reason, he wants to fuck her, that’s basically what brought her here.
But as soon as the object was in sight they could see that it was human, or at least looked like it. Whoever it was wore a back top with a hood attached and urban camo trousers and combat boots. Interested Selena came up as well to get a good look. One of the Cadian turned the person over to see that it was a young man barely in is twenties. But his clothing chose questioned her. Why would anyone ware something like that?
Nora: I don’t know why someone would “ware” something like that.
“Is he alive?” she asked.
The Cadian laid his lasgun down and pressed two fingers on his neck.
“Yeah he’s still alive.” he said before he spied a wire.
Ert: I’d also like to know where these people are, why they were fighting Eldar and what the Eldar were trying to accomplish. But I doubt we’ll get any satisfying answers.
He followed it to an ear piece. Was he taking orders? He then followed it the opposite way until he came to a box of some kind. One side was silver while the other side, he touched it and a screen came up in a language he didn’t understand. So he put it back before looking up at the Inquisitor.
“What should we do with him?” he asked.
“Leave him he has no…” the Sargent tried to say but the Inquisitor fired a round by his foot making him shut up.
Shepard: Oh come on lady. Was nearly taking a man’s foot off really needed?
Ert: The word “Tsundere” keeps repeating over and over in my head and it makes me want to cry.
“Bring him I have questions.” she said before Zemus came in over the comm.
“I’m on the way.” she said with the Inquisitor nodding.
Nora: Nodding to the person that can’t see you. Brilliant.
Inquisitor’s personal ship was a light scouting vessel, a Viper-class Scout ship, was at the planetary port. She wasn’t one to wave her Inquisitional title around and liked to keep a low profile. A Viper-class was her preference.
Ert: An Inquisitor that doesn’t like to wave her title around HA! Good one! What’s more, a quick google search will reveal that Viper-class ships are very small and limited starships, only good for heading into specific areas. I’d think an Inquisitor would want something more flexible.
The Ship was named ‘Fury of the sun’. She liked the name as did her command team. Zemus flew into the hanger with the Arvus lighter transport filled with the command team and Cadians and their new guest.
Nora: They like the name of the ship? Ok, we can all rest easy now.
On they had landed the Cadians left first and headed to the barracks while the command team rolled a stretcher out of the ship with their new guest on it. Three Hospitaller stood waiting for them and moved up to the mobile stretcher and looked at the boy.
“He’s young.” the lead said as she took a blood sample.
“Yeah, get him to medical let me know if you find anything.” Selena said with the lead nodding.
Shepard: Wait, Hospitalers? The branch of the Sisters of Battle that focus on healing? More nuns? Around EP…oh boy.
Selena sat in her room looking over a book and sighed. The planet they where on was little more then an industrial feudal world that had called for help against the Eldar. No one knew why the Eldar was there as such, not wanting another Aurelian incident the Inquisition sent her to deal with it. She had also been informed that the 56th Cadian was nearby and would be able to help out if she needed it.
Ert: The only thing I can find for Aurelian is a novel set in the Horus Heresy. It had nothing to do with the Eldar.
Just then the internal comm activated.
“Inquisitor you may want to come here, its about our new guest.” said the lead Hospitaller.
“I’m on my way.” the Inquisitor said before she put the book down and stood.
She walked out the door and into the hallway. She turned and walked down it to the lift to get there faster. Making it to the lift she entered and clicked it for level 4.
Nora: Having you walk all the way across the ship is far more convent than just telling you what the problem is.
The lead Hospitaller just looked at the boy her face was utterly confused. The Inquisitor walked in and looked at the boy who was now half naked.
“So what did you want?” Selena asked.
“He is not from the Imperium.” the Hospitaller said.
Shepard: Uh, how does she know this?
Selena turned to her eyes wide before laughing, but then realised the Hospitaller wasn’t smiling.
“His DNA clearly shows no evolutionary progress.
Ert: Oh you are too freaking technologically backwater to even bother looking for something like that.
Even though humanity has changed based on the planets we have inhabited, but there is a consistency throughout humanity of evolution. His evolutionary progress ends at M3.”
Ert: And you most certainly do not have freaking records going back that far. If they weren’t all destroyed by the Horus Heresy, they would’ve been wiped out during the 5,000 years when all human planets were cut off from each other by massive warpstorms before the Emperor made his appearance.
“M3?” Selena exploded. “That’s years before the Dark age of technology.”
“Yes and if memory serves correctly they didn’t even colonise Mars. Imagine what he could tell us.”
Nora: Nothing of value.
Fury of the sun mobile force:
20 Elite Cadian guardsmen.
2 Cadian commanders.
3 Elysian heavy bolter teams.
3 Elysian sniper teams.
8 Elysian commandos.
2 Elysian Turos assault vehicle.
9 Catachan jungle fighters.
7 Storm troopers.
3 Armageddon-pattern basilisk.
6 Chimera transports.
4 Leman russ battle tanks.
3 hydra tanks.
6 Taurox Primes.
5 Valkyrie gunships.
5 Valkyrie troop carriers
4 Arvus lighter.
6 Thunderbolt fighters.
2 Marauder bombers.
2 Marauder destroyers.
Ert: A Baneblade and a Stormblade, tanks that size of city blocks, on a scout ship. HA! HA HA! No. Also she has around a platoon of infantry, barely any. She also has three artillery units, twelve APCs, seven tanks, five walkers, five gunships, ten fighters, a four bombers and the aforementioned block sized tanks. All of which supports a single platoon of infantry. Jesus fucking Christ EP, you have no idea how logistics work.
The local guard forces patrolled the walls of the capitol city keeping an eyes out. Heavy bolter turrets and lascannon turrets. This allowed them to take on both infantry and tanks. Spotlights where on top of the towers keeping an eye out for any aircraft. The soldiers wore uniforms similar to Cadian uniforms as they where easier and cheaper to make and buy. But unlike the Cadians each one of them was equipped with autoguns which they where more experienced with and knew how to use.
Nora: What city? And yeah, the most effective method of detecting aircraft. Spotlights. Because radar is for squares. Also, you’re using autoguns, which are less effective than lasguns in every way, but you’re more experienced with them. I guess the lack of recoil on lasguns makes things too easy for you.
Kimsa walked through the market street observing as much as she could. The place was close to Tau territory
Ert: Ok, what are Cadians doing all the way near Tau territory? And for the record, what are the Eldar doing there? You can’t just stuff everything into one spot, you need to establish shit.
and that could be seen with some of the stuff the space traders where selling.
Ert: Space traders…oh for fuck’s sake. Are you talking about Rogue Traders? Because they’re the only ones allowed to trade freely in the interplanetary market. Legally anyway.
But the local guard soon had them arrested.
Shepard: Huh. Guess they weren’t. Still “space traders” is highly generic.
She made a mental not of that. Since the planet had no Adeptus Arbites the guard needed to take policing until Arbites could be trained. This planet was on the outskirts of the Imperium as such they couldn’t get much to them. Learning about thins kind of culture was always interesting.
Nora: The culture on planet insert name here. And the culture about upholding basic Imperial law. Namely if you don’t have the blessing of the Lords of Terra, you can only trade along pre-set trade routes.
But just then her ear piece chimed and Selena’s voice came in.
“Kimsa I need you back now.” the Inquisitor demanded.
“Ahhh why?” Kimsa moaned.
“I… need your cultural expertise, the ‘guest’ we have is from M3.”
Kimsa stopped in her track and ran towards the Inquisitional ship.
Ert: Yes person from a backwater planet, I need your cultural expertise about a civilization that existed 38,000 years ago and all records of which most likely would’ve been destroyed. I smart good.
Sargent Stolhome was the Cadian squad leader. He was more of a noble then anyone else and saw everyone as inferior to him.
Ert: Cadians DON’T FUCKING OPERATE THAT WAY! They’re military born, through and through. They don’t have civilians. They have Reserves. And if this was a blue blood Sergeant (NOT FUCKING SARGENT!) he would be in an ALL blue blood unit. Regiments are formed by pulling from the same pool of recruits, you know, so that they’ll work together well. Also here’s EP’s superb characterization at work again. He thinks he’s better than everyone else because nobility. 40k has actually done interesting things with nobles in its world you twit.
Now normally the inquisition didn’t want someone like this as it would make talks hard. But he was chosen for his leadership skills and combat prowess. While he was still a Sargent his dereliction of orders prevented him from gaining a higher rank. But to him it showed how ignorant how much people are.
Ert: I have no fucking idea what that paragraph tries to say, because EP’s relationship with the English language can be charitably described as loose.
Shepard: It’s not that bad…ok yes it is.
Nora: Combat prowess? Congrats, every Cadian that was ever born has that too. And if he was still a Sergeant and well regarded he would be a Veteran Sergeant, which would give him access to high tech toys.
He checked his lasgun as the Catachan Sargent came in.
“Stolhome, the Inquisitor is requesting your presence.” he said.
Stolhome sighed and stood.
Nora: Well that scene added a lot. The one dimensional bigot really held the whole story together.
Selena sat at the top of a wooden table with the Commanders of her mobile force on both sides. The two Cadian commanders sat opposite each other. One of them had a scar across his face with a patch covering his left eye. This was Hazer Kroger, he was selected by the Inquisitor for his commander and leadership skills. Unlike other commanders he was an infantry commander and preferred the might of guns over tanks.
Shepard: I’m pretty sure infantry commanders commonly prefer their infantry to tanks. It’s just what comes natural. Also, it seems like every other character has leadership skills that we’re not really seeing.
His opposite was Cadian as well but was a well drilled tank Commander named Esering Milna. Unlike his opposite he believed in the might of Imperial tanks.
Shepard: You know, Tanks are not superior to infantry, nor the other way around. They are different units for different situations. You cannot storm a building with tanks, not can you break through an armored line with tanks. What’s more, tanks tend to work with infantry. Spearheading their way through enemy lines so that infantry can slip through and wreck havoc behind enemy lines.
Next to him was Magos Flutna, he was give to her as it was more or less required by all Inquisitional forces had to have the Mechanicus presence. As such the Magos was the head of her mechanical teams. Then opposite him was Ti’sola the chief Hospitoler.
Ert: All of these characters and more, will not be receiving any in depth characterization.
She was once part of the order of the rose battle sister order but was forced into Selena’s group after the part of her order was destroyed by a ork hoard. Next to her was Stolhome, he was the leader of the land forces when the Commander wasn’t needed.
“Ok so I’m assuming that you have all heard about our guest.” Selena spoke.
Nora: Yes Inquisitor. An Eldar Farseer. WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING!? She could rip open a portal to the Warp and set an army of Daemons on all of us! She would die, but at this point she might consider that a fair price to pay!
Ert: Oh not her, the random bumblefuck we picked up.
Nora:…Seriously? We’re just ignoring the Farseer?
Everyone just nodded except for the Sargent.
“I highly doubt that claim.” he just whispered.
Shepard: No one made a claim. Is this man’s purpose in the story just to say “I doubt X” every five seconds?
“Ti’sona, what information do you have?”
The Hositoler picked up a few papers in front of her and began to read.
“From the bloods samples, bone fragments and other fluid in his body, it shows that the years of medical that we have been through does not show within his system.
Ert: Medical? What the hell is medical and why would it be in his blood? Medical technology? He could be from a feudal world where such technology was nonexistant.
We have found several baser chemical’s for deceases that we have not seen for years. His body also shows no genetic tampering,
Ert: One, what chemicals would just disappear? Two, the majority of humans in the 40k universe are unaugmented. A lack of tampering would only be noteworthy if you thought he was a Space Marine.
we have run other tests on him but we have found little to prove that he is not from M3. We have already gave him standard vaccinations. He does not any signs or being reactive or allergic to the chemicals but I want to keep an eye on him for a few days.” Ti’sona said calmly.
Nora: Well, he got vacines. At least EP isn’t a total moron…except for the fact that if there were any diseases that would’ve made their way onto the ship from the galaxy trotting that all the crew did, or just from the planet’s surface that already made their way into his body those vaccines wouldn’t have done jack. You know what, forget I said anything.
Selena nodded but the Magos spoke up.
“I’m more interested in this box device he has. I wish for it to be handed to me.” he said.
“Normally I would allow it but, he’s new, he may take it the wrong way… so no.” Selena said.
Shepard: Why are you denying your tech expert the chance to investigate EP’s toys? Are you afraid that he’ll give you answers that might explain things? Why is him being new a reason to deny it? He’ll take it the wrong way? So?
“So be it but there is a problem that we have.”
“Language.” Hanzer said,
“Ha what he doesn’t speck low gothic? Pathetic.” Stolhome laughed.
Ert:…Do I even need to mock that sentence? Ok how about this. If this guy really was a blue blood, he would speak HIGH gothic and most likely not know a word of low gothic. And if he had picked it up from his career as a soldier, he still would’ve had to learn it as a second language. And most likely would be unable to read it. So once again, EP fails at research. (Incidentally, High Gothic is essentially Latin and Low Gothic is a form of Latin that has decayed and been altered over the millennia)
“It’s no surprise to me.” Ti’sona said. “He is a primitive form of humanity, as such the language is likely going to primitive as well. If we take the baser forms of low gothic and use it on him. We will then see which one he reacts too and go from there.”
Shepard: At least someone is being a little bit logical.
Selena nodded at that. “Seems like a good idea, have Kimsa join you, she’ll provide insight.”
“Ok but what should we call him until we get his real name?” Esering asked.
“Why not M3?” the Magos asked. “Given the situation with him I believe it’s appropriate.”
Nora: I think “You” would’ve sufficed.
“Agreed.” everyone except for the Sargent said.
“Magos I want you to investigate how someone from the third millennium can get here through a webway gate.” Selena said in a serious tone.
“That technology is heretical, but I understand, I will pray on it and investigate.”
Ert: Heretical? Yes Tech Priests consider technology that isn’t approved to be heretical, namely anything that wasn’t perfected centuries ago. But that’s just it. This technology was made by man 38,000 years ago. A Tech Priest wouldn’t call it heretical. He’d be jizzing his pants to get his hands on it! He’d consider it HOLY! FUCK’S SAKE EP! DO YOU EVEN CARE!?
Kimsa just looked into the room with M3 in. She was drooling all over the window to the room. Ooo how she wanted to talk to him now and pick that beautiful brain for all the information about their past.
Ert: Oh good Christ, he hasn’t even woken up yet and the members of his harem are already literally drooling all over him.
But then damn door was locked preventing her from getting in. She wanted in, and wanted in now. Ti’sona came to to the cultural expert and tapped her on the shoulder making the former princess just look at her.
“I know how much you want to talk to him, but we are going to keep him under until tomorrow.” she said before one of the doctors came running up to her.
Shepard: Not that there’s a reason mind you.
“Ti’sona, I noticed something odd so I ran another batch of tests. It seems that his muscles have been growing abnormally.” she said.
With this the two ran back to the medical bay.
Ert: Oh great, the lightning bolt/webway is going to be making EP buff. This really is a sex fantasy for him. Might as well staple his face to a cover of Conan the Barbarian.
Selena looked over the paper over what the doctors found.
“Muscle growth, huh odd.” she whispered.
“I believe its because of webway travel. I highly doubt that webways where made to making people from travelling into the past to here.” Ti’sona said.
Nora: They were made for causing muscle growth though.
“Your hiding something.”
“sigh’ I think that Chaos may have something to do with this.”
Ert: OH! So this kid’s been touched by Chaos. EP, if this story of yours was halfway realistic, the Inquisitor would’ve blown your insert’s head off with her bolter at this point. Chaos is a huge fucking no-no.
The inquisitor looked up. “That’s a very serious charge.”
“I know but, they might not have done it willingly, however I think waking him up tomorrow would be the best idea.”
Shepard: The evil gods just accidentally transported someone to the 40k world? And gave him muscles?
The boy with his clothing back on was laid on the table with Ti’sona inside while Selena, Kimsa, Mikana and Stolhome watched from the observing room. The Hospitoler took a syringe and injected it into the boy’s neck.
Ert: Well that scene was needed.
Chris moaned as his eyes started open slowly, but he almost immediately closed them thanks to a bright being shined in his eyes. He grunted and over his eyes as his sight began to clear up. A woman in a world war one like nurses outfit came into sight. Her face looked like a models face with her darkish skintone refection the light and her purple eyes looking down on him…purple. He reacted fast and jumped and wrapped his arm around her neck.
Nora: Because nurses that constantly treat grizzly injuries on the front lines of ten thousand horrific different wars are hot. Just like they say at the recruitment center. “No uglies allowed”
He moved so fast that he didn’t realise where his arm was. That when he heard a door open and two soldiers holding familiar looking weapons at him. Trying to find something he reached behind him and grabbed something before bringing it to the woman’s neck. He now had a hostage,
Ert: Well isn’t EP just a fucking bastion of likability. No idea what’s going on? Take a hostage. This’ll convince your host that the correct course of action isn’t to blow your fucking head off.
something he didn’t want but still he had. The door opened again and a large breasted woman with a tank top on came running out and pushed the weapons the soldiers had away saying something. She then turned to him and said something.
Ert: And he’s in an unknown situation, scared for his life and the only thing he notices about the woman in front of him IS THAT SHE HAS BIG TITS! Why is it I get the feeling this guy could get stuck in a zombie apocalypse and would focus on the size of the tits on the zombies.
Chris blinked a few more times before his vision cleared. His eyes nearly came out of his head as he saw two Imperial guardsmen in red and back uniforms pointing lasguns at him. Somehow he got transported to the warhammer 40k universe,
Shepard: He certainly made that jump rather quickly. You’re supposed to build up to it, not have people just realize it. For someone who claims to be a big fan of Mass Vexations, he didn’t really learn a lot from it.
Nora: Also, this is why you figure out what the situation is before you take a goddamn hostage you twit.
thank lighting must have had something to do with it.
Shepard: Why is he thanking the lightning? Oh. He’s not. He just can’t spell.
The woman saw this but backed a bit in case he was doing to do something.
Shepard: Doing to do something. I…what?
But Chris knew he needed to do something, latin! Latin was one of the main languages in 40k, but known as high gothic. He needed to think, what was that Legion of the dammed motto?
Ert: You could let the hostage go. But no, that would make too much sense.
Kimsa just looked on, this boy had one of the medical staff as a hostage. This was more or less to be expected because he was in a strange place and wanted answers. She could see his face screw up, was he trying to communicate?
Nora: Of course it’s to be expected that he took a hostage. The nurse gets taken hostage at least twice a week. We don’t post guards though, we don’t want to mess with tradition.
“I…i in ded…d..d…dedicato imperatum ……ultra articulo mortis.” he struggled to say making her eyes widen.
He then pointed to her belt buckle and said. “Astra Militarum.”
Ert: Ok, you know the title of the Imperial Guard. And?
‘How does he know this?’ she thought.
“Ok guys stand down.” she said to the guard.
“But…” one of them tired to say but she just looked at him.
“Stand down!” she said more forcefully.
Nora: He’s a bore precious little bawbe who needs to be cuddled. Who cares if he’s holding someone hostage with a random thing.
The two guards did what she said before looking at him. M3 lowered his arm to Ti’sona’s side and gave a flick of the head. Kimsa shook her head before he pointed at the two guard and the room. That when she realised what he was trying to say.
“Ok you two leave now.”
Ert: Yes, leave me alone with the unknown thing who just took a hostage and has been touched by Chaos. I WANT TO FUCK IT!
The two guards just left but waited in the observation room. Selena was watching her hand on her bolt pistol as M3 came up slowly to the door. He moved around Kimsa as she came up next to the observation room door before pushing Ti’sona inside and into Selena before he closed the door.
Shepard: Any reason for the shoving?
Chris watched as the doctor removed and looked at him. She didn’t look angry or anything but she did give him an uncomfortable look. Just then the other woman came up to him and began to sniff him and feel him up.
Ert: First sign of this being an EP sex fantasy. No one is mad at him for anything when they should be fucking livid. Also-WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? Groping him? I think Inquisitors like to avoid people who can’t keep their libido under control.
“Ah.” he yelled as she pulled up his t-shrit.
Placed his hand on her head and pushed her away and backed away. But she just tuned to him hungrily.
“Bloody hell,” he moaned.
Nora: So the princess has already been drooling over him and is already groping him. And she doesn’t even know his name yet and they think he’s been touched by Chaos. How long until the nun, Inquisitor, animu girl and possible dick owner get in on it?
He pinched his noise and the woman copied him. Chris just gave her an odd look before finding a seat and sat down one of his eyes still on her. He opened a draw next to him to find some paper and a quill pen. He took one a piece of paper out and placed it on the desk. But before he could so anything he heard the door open to see a tech-priest standing there. The priest held a rectangular object in his hand.
Shepard: I’m not entirely sure that anything important happened there.
He then raised his hand with the device to Chris who raised his eyebrow but stood. He walked to the cyborg and slowly took the device from his hand. It came in two pieces box and an ear piece. He slid the ear piece in his ear and found red switch on the box. Looking at the Tech-priest he pointed to the switch to which the priest nodded.
Chris then switched the switch before looking at the Priest.
“Can you understand me?” he asked.
Ert: Ok, so the Tech Priest just came out of nowhere with a random thing that allows EP to speak Low Gothic. Because why not.
“Can you understand me?” M3 asked and Kimsa squealed in delight.
“Yay we can talk toy you now!” she cried jumping on him.
Nora: I legitimately can’t tell if that’s EP’s horrible writing or his attempt to make a cutesy character. Either way its an eyesore.
“Ahhhh.” he yelled as she wrapped herself around his wait.
“Come on get off please.” he said.
“Kimas get off him please.” Selena requested.
Shepard: Why did this woman who nearly amputated someone’s foot earlier just ask nicely here?
The Cultural expert made a face at her but related and backed off. But then M3 looked to Selena.
“So I can assume your the Inquisitor?”
Ert: When was it ever established that there was an Inquisitor here in the first place?
All eyes then turned to him.
“Your from M3 how do you know that?”
“Because all of this used to be a game to me.”
Ert: Ok, best case scenario, they would laugh at him. Worst case scenario, they would shoot him in the face for saying something so heretical. The idea that their world is just a game. This is why most self insert characters keep where they’re really from a secret. Because when you say it out loud, you sound fucking insane.
In a cave deep inside the Taina mountains rooms with gold, and silver decorated the walls and ceiling.
Nora: I’ve never seen walls decorated with gold and silver rooms before.
In a large chamber with a pit at the fat end was filled with gold at the sides. A statue of a tall female figure with four arms and inverted legs with hooves as feet.
Ert: Please tell me this isn’t another one of EP’s fetishes.
Her head had long crests spreading out and into the rock. Two of her arms where outstretched with long nails. She also had two more arms under her normal ones. These arms where spread out to the side but instead of hands they where long blade like appendages.
She was also had little clothing on
Ert: Yeah, see, this is why I’m legitimately concerned. With the only things that get attention in this story being the stuff EP wants to jack off too, this statue is making me concerned.
as her right arm was in a sleeve while her left leg was in a footless stocking lined with spikes. The top part of her wasn’t covered and her breasts where showing. But unlike normal women this one had six breasts with the to being the largest and the lowest being the smallest.
Shepard: Oh Spirits, I think I’m going to throw up.
Ert: Sounds like a Slaanesh Daemon. Slannesh is the god of pleasure. Not sex EP. Pleasure. There’s a difference.
On her belly was a circle with a line pointing to the right with a crescent shape though it and another smaller one on the end. The same emblem was on the floor in front of her.
Chains came from the palms of her hand that ended in a pair of iron cuffs. They sat there menacing awaiting their next victim soon.
Nora: Next vicim? What happened to the first victim? And where the fuck are we?
“Niaaaa let me gooo!” a young woman yell echoed through the caves.
As the scream died down men and women entered the chamber. Each one of them wore a purple robe but when they move into line formation similar to a church seating they disrobe. Each one of them had ether a piercing or tattoo in the same shape as the statue but on various parts of their body. They then knelt in the rows before stretching their arms out in the air and bowed. As they did this two miles brought out a woman who was struggling against them.
“Niiiiaaaaaa.” she yelled as the two men dragged her to the cuffs.
Shepard: So the catgirl character (I think, nothing is really explained here, the focus was on how sexy the statue was and the catgirl has been the only one to make noises like this) is about to be sacrificed to a dark god, and instead of pleading for her life or trying to escape she just makes that cutesy noise? I don’t even. What is that noise even supposed to be? We looked it up and can’t find anything
They then fastened the cuffs around her wrists before walking to the sides. The woman tired to struggle but couldn’t. The chains rattled as she moved. A chant then came from the people in front of her for a few moments before a purple mist swirled in front of her. A woman with purple skin holding a long staff in one hand and a knife in the other appeared before her.
The woman then approached the chained woman and touched her.
“Nia.” the chained woman said flinching.
Ert: That isn’t a word EP. It’s not a fucking word. Although we looked up a bunch of definitions for “nia” and nearly all of them relate to sexy women, so I don’t know what the fuck you’re on.
The knife in the purple skied woman’s hand then merged with her flesh becoming an arm blade. Smiling she then lunged it into the woman’s belly before brining it back out with her gut’s following. Her blood flowed out of her and filled the emblem on the floor. Within moments the emblem was filled with blood and soon began to glow so bright that the worshippers had to cover their eyes.
When it died down the purple skinned woman held up a blood red heart with the same emblem on the floor. The woman who was stabbed though had gone as did her blood. But the worshippers cheered out loud at the ceremony making the woman smile. However unknown to her, this would be one of the last sacrifices she would make.
Nora:…Yeah, remember how we said that we were concerned that EP only ever seems to put details into things he would jack off to? yeah, that’s something that we’re all thinking about right now.
Shepard: *Wretches into bucket*
Ert: Ok, so that wasn’t the catgirl. Apparently. So what did we just see and how it is important?
“So America inadvertently created another terrorist group?” Kimsa asked.
Ert: Ok, I am not fucking touching that one. I’m just gonna say, no one in the 41st millennium would know what America is.
Kimsa had been bombarding Chris for the passed three hours about humanity’s past. He had a bit of explaining to do but the local nobility called for the Inquisitor. As such she had ordered Kimsa to question him. But to Chris it was more like an interrogation. She was tiring him out more so then plying on the latest games.
Nora: More tiring than playing the latest games? Oh boy EP, how do you keep up with this crazy broad?
“Yeah as far as AHHHHH…” he tried to say as Ti’sona took some blood out. “I know they didn’t do it on purpose but one of the reason was religion you see the main religion for America was Christianity. The main errr person for it was born in the middle east, and this whole thing was in the middle east. As you can guess, some people thought the ‘End times’ was going to come from there.”
Ert: Oh Christ, EP is trying to talk about modern politics! This just in! ISIS has nothing to do with the power vacuum created when America toppled Middle Eastern Governments. The only thing that matters about it is religion.
Kimsa was getting even more interest now.
“So this end times thing what’s that all about?” she asked eyes almost popping out in excitement.
“Ok so one of the things that the bible said
Nora: No. Just…just stop. You’re not talented enough.
that the end times was coming, which was also known as the rapture when the battle between the devil and god would happen. It all pretty self explanatory. The thing was that most of the west and parts of the est didn’t believe it.”
“East and west?” she asked.
Chris looked at her for a moment before shrugging.
“The term was used to define the influence between Europe and Asia. But even then it gets murky.”
Ert: Ok, first of all, I think the concept of West and East would make it to the 41st millennium. Second of all, there was more to Western civilization than just Europe.
“Ooooo that reminds me, was there a city’s named Atlantys and Nova Yourk?” she asked remembering something.
“Well, Atlantis or the ‘Lost city of Atlantis’ is considered to be a myth. When I was around people where still looking for it with no luck. As for Nova Yourk I knew it as New York. It was quite the attractive city in America, very popular.”
Shepard: So in reality this woman doesn’t actually know anything about Pre-Imperium Earth and needs EP to tell her everything. Some cultural expert.
“Ahhh I wish I could have seen it all.” she moaned with Chris giving a snicker.
He then looked down, he had been thinking about something for a while now. He knew that Webway’s weren’t supposed to do this which meant that this was a one-way-trip.
Ert: How do you figure genius? Something does something it was never meant to do and somehow you know it’s a one way trip? Ever hear of Newton’s third law?
He was trapped here which meant that he needed to fight. That was the only thing he could do, he also needed to gain allies if he was to find a way back. But just then his stomach grumbled making him blush.
Nora: Yup, he needs to fight. He can’t just go to an Agri-world and become a farmer.
“I’m all done here you can go.” Ti’sona said with no emotion.
“Come’on I’ll take you to the canteen.” Kimsa said standing and pulling Chris out of the chair.
The two exited the medbay and into the hall. It was longer then M3 had anticipated,
Shepard: Why hasn’t he told them his name? It said that he talked with the princess for three hours, his name should’ve been her first question.
but he still moved along with Kimsa who was still looking at him. He tired to look away but being the guy he was it was hard not to look down her cleavage.
Ert: That says so fucking much about EP. So. Fucking. Much. Lack of self control for one. I’m a man that very much enjoys the female body. I happen to have both respect for women as people and the ability to not let my libido control me.
He forced himself to think about something else. They moved down a little nether of them talking to each other mostly because Kimsa was studding his old world features. They soon entered a very large room with a buffet at one end and soldiers eating at tables.
Nora: Yeah, no. On a starship that could be months away from a resupply, food would be strictly rationed. There certainly would be a buffet.
While they didn’t have their weapons or helmets on Chris could tell who they where just by looking at them.
Ert: No you can’t. Fuck you.
Some of them turned eyes to him as she and Kimsa walked over to the food area and got tray for themselves but as they moved along he could only flinch at the food they had. Some of it just looked like muck while others didn’t look edible at all. But he soon picked out few pieces of meat and a few safe looking vegetables.
Shepard: Huh. I know food can be rather horrible in some parts of the 40k verse, but there are planets dedicated to growing fresh food. Not everyone can get it, but you’d think an Inquisitor would be able to get her hands on it. And why did he call it buffet if it’s all gunk?
The two then took the nearest seat. Some of the soldiers had gone back to talking about whatever while Chris and Kimsa began to eat. However the former princess did little more then watch M3 eat. The meat for him seem to be a little tough so he took it by the bone and pulled it away. A piece of it napped off allowing him to much it up and eat it. He nodded his head at the taste as it was like pork.
Ert: Who are you? George RR Martin? I don’t give a fuck about what you’re eating EP.
“Not bad.” he said making Kimsa smile.
“Yeah well it’s the best we have.” said a gruff voice alerting the two.
A tall man wearing a black and red Catachan uniform came and sat down in front of Chris. His plate was filled with nothing but meat and a few poisonous looking leafs.
Nora: He’s a MAN! MAUN! MAUN don’t eat no vegetables.
“So judging by your clothing, I guess you must be M3?” he said.
“Is that what people are calling me? Good grief.” Chris moaned.
“Yeh well, get used to it kid, a lot of people are calling you that. Anyway name’s Sargent Krimm, 19th Catachan furies.”
Ert: Yeah, we looked it up, the Catachan Furies aren’t a real thing.
Selena pinched her nose as the bickering of the nobles was giving her a headache. One of the daughters of the local nobility had gone. While she wanted to help, their bickering was too much. There was still bad blood between the nobles due to he fact that before they where brought into the Imperium they where at war. But even if they where part of the Imperium now they were still bickering.
Ert: I’m counting down the seconds until she causes them to stop bickering by shooting her bolter. Because that seems to be her thing.
“Xenos!” yelled one. “It has to be the Xenos scum.”
“You may be using them as a proxy!” yelled another who stood and pointed at the accuser. “Your clan was always wanting power.”
“How dare you? You must be the one who took her!”
Nora: I’m guessing that one of them must be the family that the daughter belongs to. So why would they kidnap their own family? And for the record, what planet are we on NOW!? Christ, we’ve been to two maybe three different planets and I don’t know the first thing about any of them.
That made the entire room burst out into a yelling match. Having enough of this Selena stood and took out her blot pistol and fired it into the air making the yelling stop.
Ert: OH I FUCKING CALLED IT! Must be because she’s a short tempered bitch.
The room then turned to her her as she lowered the smoking pistol.
“If yo all are going to bicker perhaps I might have you all removed.” she said.
Nora: Yes, I’ll have this meeting with myself.
The room fell quiet as she let her words sink in. Soon enough the room fell back into their seats not wanting to anger her further. They knew that she had the power to do whatever she wanted and fearing for their lives and power they had to follow her orders.
“Inquisitor since we still have some animosity between us, maybe it would be best for you to conduct this instigation.” an old man at the head said.
Shepard: Uh, I thought that was already the idea. Speaking of which, isn’t investigating a kidnapping kind of below an Inquisitor? Don’t they usually deal with massive threats to the Imperium?
Ert: Don’t tell EP that, he’s busy staring at her cleavage because that’s the guy he is.
Selena sat down. “I wish I could but I cannot, there maybe more Xenos out there. I have got my forces on a patrol rota.” she said calmly but paused for a moment and thought. “I could however spare three people to do the investigation.”
“That will be satisfactory.”
Nora: We could do it ourselves, but we have been declared incompetent by the author.
“Wait you mean that millions of people have a device like this?” Krimm asked looking at Chris’ smartphone.
“Well, not that model and not exactly like it but yeah similar devices.” Chris answered as several soldiers looked at the device.
He wasn’t surprised about this kind of thing. The likely hood of them having similar tech was next to non thanks to the mechanics. But then again there were some pretty advanced worlds out there. One of them may have it. It was almost a childlike wonder to the soldiers as they looked at the device. But just then.
Ert: We have starships that can travel through the horrors of the Warp, but fuck that shit, he has an IPOD!
“Kimsa, Chris and Stolhome get to my office now!” Selena said over the vox speaker.
“Well, that’s us. See ya mate.” Chris said standing and shook Krimm’s hand.
He then followed Kimsa out.
“He seems like a good Kid.” said one of the Cadian’s.
“Yeah, wonder if he’s going to join us.”
Nora: Yeah. Remember the days where the inquisitor had STANDARDS!? Glad that’s gone. Just let any old random time displaced fuck join us. Also, if he’s really from another world like he keeps saying that he is, how does that mesh with the theory that he’s from the past? No one has really been bringing that up because it’s an EP fic and everyone is braindead.
Chris and Kimsa walked into Selena’s office. It was quite large for an office but then again she was an inquisitor so she would have to have some luxuries. The wall was decorated with trophies of animal heads and rare weaponry.
Ert: Oh wait she’s a hunter? Maybe. Never established.
By a window behind her desk was banners of the inquisition. The desk that Selena was behind was made of a dark wood and well made. Stolhome was already inside wearing his Cadian armour and stood like he was on parade.
Ert: Oh, like this?
“Bout time.” he muttered as the two newcomers stood next to him.
Selena sighed and stood. “I’m going to be quick about this but I need you three to conduct an investigation for a disappearance of a nobles daughter.”
Ert: Why, in the fucking hell are you giving a random bumblefuck who doesn’t know the first thing about the planet you’re on the job of hunting down a missing person?
Stolhome just stared at her wide eye while the other two just looked t each other and shrugged.
“What? Me a high born Cadain soldier has to look for a noble whore because she hasn’t turned up?” he fumed.
Nora: Uh, yeah, EP, you seem to fail to understand how status based prejudice works. A highborn would only think he’s superior to people of common birth. He would be proud at being chosen to go rescue a noblewoman. If anything he would object to EP being on the mission for his low birth (among other things). The one basic character trait this guy had and you couldn’t even get it right. Why don’t you just change his name to “the asshole”, that’s all he really is.
“Orders are orders.” Chris said earning himself a death glare from the Cadain Sargent.
“Just like M3 said.” Selena said earning herself a glare from Chris making her blush. “Also you three are the only ones I can spare. Now you will follow my orders or I will have you shot.”
Shepard: Uh, an Inquisitor would not blush when someone glares at her.
Ert: Good God, she really is a Tsundere. Also, you can’t spare the cat girl, the dick owner or any of the other soldiers you’ve got? Oh right, you only have fifty men in total because author can’t math good.
Stolhome shut up at that and just walked away allowing the Inquisitor to look at the two still in her office.
“I have no idea what’s going to happen, so M3 I want you to outfit yourself with what you know. I’m trusting that you have some kind of militarum experience. Don’t let me down.”
Chris nodded at that and left with Kimsa.
Nora: I’m just gonna assume that you have military training and won’t royally screw everything up. KK bye.
Kimsa handed Chris an armoured vest with ammo pouches on the front. The young man threw it on over his hoodie and zipped it up. He then slid 30 round auto rifle magazines into the pouches.
Shepard: What is this author’s obsession with using the very worst the Imperium has to offer?
He had some experience in combat as he used to do airsoft and paintball.
Ert:…Just shut up. Just stop fucking talking. If I have to explain the difference between a paintball gun and an assault rifle I think I’ll lose it.
But this wasn’t real and he could end up dead. He then picked up a modified Agripinaa pattern type III autogun. The weapon had similar firing mechanism to an AK47 a weapon which his father had taught him to use. But as h fastened it to a sling that was already round his body he stopped.
Ert: BECAUSE AK-47s ARE OH SO FUCKING COMMON IN GREAT BRITAN! Fun fact! I’m pretty sure a British civilian owning an AK-47 IS VERY FUCKING ILLEGAL!
“Ahhhhhhhh noooooooo!” he cried to no one in particular.
“What?” Kimsa asked.
“I missed the Deadpool movie.” he said looking down.’
Ert:…Was that supposed to be fucking funny? Because I fail to find it humorous.
Kimsa giggled a bit making him look at her with a brow raised. But she picked up her combat shotgun placed it on the mag lock on her back.
Nora: Hehehe, I have no idea who Deadpool is.
“Come on then.” she smiled and walked out of the armoury.
He smiled and just followed her. This was going to be an interesting investigation. But as he walked out a figure with a tail followed them out of the armoury. The figure breathed heavily wanting something from their new guest.
Shepard: Of course she does.
Ert: For the record, we actually just went through four chapters. EP didn’t feel the need to put chapter titles and numbers in the chapter proper. And I’ll do many things, but I won’t wipe EP’s ass for him. One last chapter and we’re done with what this story so far
Ok guys I would like to point out that while the Farseer to be a slave option is sill up I would like to point out that almost all reviewers have said salve. I would also like to point out that I think the Inquisition would have cuffs or similar binders that would negate pyker abilities for reasons. So so far I’m going for slave, but unless the majority says otherwise.
Ert: Oh yeah, he wanted the Eldar Farseer in his harem and the only way he could think of making it work was if she was a slave. Because “That’s the only way I could see love working” Question EP, ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!? First of all, this is a Farseer, a FARSEER! She is not your plaything, she is an insanely powerful Psyker. Second of all, there’s this thing in the Imperium, they’re called Sanctioned Xenos. Tau, Kroot, even Orks and fucking Dark Eldar can be sanctioned.
Ert: Dark Eldar are Eldar who spend their entire existence capturing people and torturing them so Slaanesh won’t eat their souls. If THEY can be sanctioned, I think a regular less psychotic Eldar would be fine. (Oh, and one time a Dark Eldar captured a Farseer and took her back him. His allies nearly killed him for making such a stupid move. Go figure). Third, the majority WAS against the slave option you twat! Because as it turns out, your readers aren’t as braindead as you are.
Chris, Kimsa and Stolhome walked through Nimas District of the capitol. Nimas distinct was the Noble district where the nobility of the city lived. But while Kimsa and Stolhome had just walked on Chris occasionally stopped looking at the architecture and people. It was a techno medieval state. The citizens wore clothing similar to English Tudors but there where computer posts of the latest news. He wouldn’t be surprised if a Space marine chapter would come to recruit from this world.
Nora: Yeah…no. Once again EP shows how little he knows about 40k. Space Marines don’t recruit pampered nobles. They go to death worlds, places where reaching the age of 18 is considered an accomplishment because you need to be freaking tough to be a Space Marine.
The architecture seemed to be also reminisced of medieval Europe. He shrugged his soldiers and just continued on until they came to a large cobblestone building. There where banners on the front walls. These banners where blue with a gold sword pointing down and through a white skull. Whoever was kidnapped must have been important. Chris then noticed a group of soldiers nearby. They wore a blue tunic and silver armour.
Shepard: I think we found another example of daybook writing being mixed with purple prose. We had enough of that in Herr’s snarking thank you very much.
He had noted that the local guard where in Cadian uniforms. This meant that these guards must be part of this house’s personal army.
Nora: EP just keeps making nonsensical logical jump after jump. Pretty much half of the Imperial Guard units in the galaxy copy Cadia’s armor.
Kimsa knocked on the door and after a moment an Asian-looking girl opened the door. The girl was dressed in a French maid outfit.
Ert: FUCK YOU! *Aims melta-gun* I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR FUCKING FETISHES EP!
Goeth *Pokes head in* My 40k lore is rusty, what’s a melta-gun?
Nora: Short range weapon that creates a blast of energy tens of thousands of degrees hot. The fandom nicknamed it the lava-shotgun.
Goeth: MINE! *Grabs melta-gun*
As soon as she saw the Inquisitional I on Kimsa’s and Stolhome’s uniform she froze. After a moment she bowed.
“Welcome my lady and lords to the Uniti house.” she said.
“Sigh’ please don’t do that. We’re here to investigate the disappearance of Madam Liandra.” Kimsa said.
Shepard: Who just says sigh out loud? That makes no sense
“Oh.” the maid said standing. “F…follow me.”
The three walked inside and followed the maid to the second level. They then walked to a room at the end. As they walled Chris noted that this house seemed to be more on the military side then anything. The walls where decorated with paints of the family and suits of armour where on the corner with a weapon in hand. All of this cried out that the family was probably generals of the army which was why those guards where outside.
Ert: Making a lot of assumptions EP, and you’re not very good of it. Generals? EP, war is the Imperium’s way of life. They have been fighting wars on all sides for the last 10,000 years. These people could just be collectors for all you know. Oh, and I think they have guards, call me crazy BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING NOBLES! Nobles tend to have guards!
The door to the room was then opened and the three entered. It was a rich girls room for lack of a description. A large double bed decorated with white and gold sheets, an Arabian style carpet, flower patterned silk curtains and oak-like wooden furniture. All of it just screamed rich.
Ert: Wait, is it rich? You only hammered that point in around three times, you need to make it five just in case your readers are on the same brain level as you.
The maid waited by the door as the three spread out a bit looking at the room. The sell was lavender scented making the three f them feel very nervous. Kimsa walked over to a chest of draws next to the bed, Stolhome moved over to the fr side of the room and just stood looking at the paintings.
Nora: All they’re doing is looking around the room of the person who went missing. Did the locals not do this before calling for a goddamn Inquisitor for help?
Chris however looked around the room carefully making sure to look at each and everything. His mind focused on anything and everything that seemed to be out of place. But something caught his eye. By the window was something that was out of placed. He walked over to it slowly as the other two continued with what they were doing. At eh window he couched and looked down, under the carpet was a small bump. He slid his hand under and pulled out a small stone with an Eldar marking on.
Ert: Because the college dropout knows more about searching that the trained Cadian and the exile princess because MAIN CHARACTER NEED BE BEST AT EVERYTHING!
“Found something.” she said standing.
The other two came up to see.
“Xenos witchcraft.” Stolhome said with anger.
Shepard: You know, in a story with good writing, the guards would’ve looked, found the Eldar artifact and THEN they would’ve called for the help of the Inquisition. This way it just makes everyone except EP look incompetent.
“An Eldar rune.” Kimsa said. “But the Eldar were eliminated not too long ago.”
“Why does that matter? This proves they have something to do with it.”
“No it doesn’t.”Chris said before turning to the two. “We now know that they had something to do with this but the Eldar are gone from this world. It just means that they were here and nothing else.”
Ert: Oh goodie. The only lead that they have and EP is dismissing it because they’re gone now. You know who else is gone now? THE PERSON YOU’RE LOOKING FOR! And how do you know you got ALL of the Eldar dumbass? Last time I checked, Ranger cloaks were pretty good.
“Dumb primitive fool” Stolhome whispered so that Chris couldn’t here him.
Nora: You know a story is bad when you agree with the one-dimensional asshole.
“I’ll go talk to the maid, you guys stay here, see what you can find.” he said before walking out.
“Primitive fool.” Stolhome said making Kimsa look at him with wide eyes. “He has no idea what the Eldar are capable of, they are deceptive. They could have planed it there for something.”
“Sometimes a lesser mind can find what a greater mind cannot.” Kimsa said back.
Ert: This is not one of those times. EP is a fucking moron, pure and simple. What’s more, this is the only lead you have. All you can do is pursue this until an alternative lead presents itself. You’re only sticking up for EP because he’s your future husbando princess
“WHAT?” Selener practically yelled at the Vox screen.
“You heard the situation is growing with your sector, the Tau are aggregating the outer planets and the Eldar are acting with increased boldness. As such the Ultramarines, Rising sun crusaders and Dragon knights will be there within the week.” said the Inquisitor from the vox vid.
Ert: So we’re getting Space Marines from three different chapters. Two that EP made up…and the fucking Ultrasmurfs. Of course. Matt Ward’s Precious little bebeh. Fitting. Matt Ward’s writing is on par with EP. He said that the Ultramarines were the best chapter ever in one of the rulebooks and that anyone who disagreed with them were “deviant”, and that their rookie scouts were better than the veterans from other chapters because Matt Ward was a fucking hack. No wonder EP likes his pet chapter.
The screen then went blank and Selena groaned. She could handle a few guardsmen but three chapters of space marines?
Nora: Some Inquisitor you are if this is too much for you.
That meant that Imperial command was panicking about something. Then it hit her, there was an Ork group nearby. They must have something to with them panicking. Just then there was a knock on her door and Chris entered.
Shepard: Wait, where did Orks come into the equation? I thought Tau and Eldar were the problem? Ugh. The Tau let humans join their ranks sometimes, is it too late to defect?
“Hey can I come in?” he asked.
“Your already here,” she said with a bit of a smile. “Did you find anything?”
“Not much, it appears that the Eldar where in the room but that was it. We found a rune but all we can do is make guesses.”
Ert: I still insist they had nothing to do with it even though we have no other leads because I’m a dense motherfucker.
Selena nodded at that and stood, turned around and looked out of the window. “Remember when you told us you know about this time? Well I’m assuming you know about the Space marines.”
“Yep, the Emperor’s angels of death, descended from nine of the first founding chapters to today. Although many of the chapters that I fought against where Ultramarines and Dark angels. While other chapters where fan made.”
Ert: You said that you fought against Space Marines? ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOUR STUPID ASS KILLED!? Why don’t you just say that you took a great shit on the Emperor while you’re at it.
Selena nodded at that. “Ok because a company will be here within the week.”
“Cool, meeting them will be cool.” he smiled.
Nora: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Selena then turned to him removing her coat while she was at it. Chris Blushed as he saw the Inquisitor’s breasts stick out from her chest. She was probably an E or F cup which didn’t help the young man avoid perverse thoughts.
Shepard: Do we really need to see this guy salivating over breasts? And wouldn’t someone constantly going into combat want smaller breasts so they wouldn’t get in the way?
Ert: EP can’t jerk off to small boobs.
Moving around her desk she then stood in front of him and threw her hat away. She was around the same hight as him but her green eyes pierced his making him gulp. Smiling he closed the gap pressing one hand on his cheat and another one on a bulge between his legs.
Ert: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I YOU ARE A FUCKING REPRESENTATIVE OF THE EMPEROR’S HOLY INQUISITION! Inquisitors do not just fucking go around sleeping with whoever. The only account of an Inquisitor sleeping with ANYONE that I can think of is Ambery Vale, and she ended up with CIAPHAS CAIN! HERO OF THE IMPERIUM (Yes he must always be referred to as that). Cain is a man who is well known for being a hero…in secret he is actually a massive coward who keeps trying to run away from his problems and accidentally ends up in even bigger problems by mistake and accidentally making himself looking like a hero. And then getting shipped off to even bigger fights.
Nora: Cain! We found a Chaos cult in the local brothel! But we’re not sure where their headquarters are.
Ert: Hm, you secure the rest of the city and hunt down anymore strongholds they have. I’m going to attack the brothel. I think it’s their REAL headquarters. *A few moments later* OH FUCK IT REALLY WAS THEIR HEADQUARTERS! Point is, Cain built up a reputation of being a hero, was charismatic to his men, and he and Ambery’s relationship was so stable it lasted well over a century until he died of natural causes. And even when she knew he was actually a coward, she didn’t care. (Though one of the more depressing moments in Cain’s life is when she gently tells him that he can be himself around him. He jumps to the conclusion that she can read is mind and is about to execute him for cowardice…someone give Cain a hug please.)
He gulped as she leaned in but just as their lips where about to meet, Kimsa came through the door. Her eyes widened at the sight she saw in front of her and cried out in anger.
“Inquisitor what are you doing?” she yelled.
Nora: I wanted dat ass!…Oh Christ I just said that.
The Inquisitor looked to her. “Why I’m trying to entertain myself, after all I saw him first.” Selena said with a smile.
Shepard: This woman has the authority to blow up planets ladies and gents. That and she starting making moves on EP out of nowhere really. No build up, no interest in him, EP just jumped to the sexy parts.
Kimsa just growled as Chris backed up a bit. “Err Inquisitor look I came to ask you something.”
She looked at him disappointed but sighed. “Ok go on.”
Chris took a deep breath before looking at her directly. “What I’m about to suggest is heretical
Ert: There are very few ways I can see someone saying this to an Inquisitor without getting their brains splattered all over the wall.
but it may help us in the long run. I want to turn the Eldar farseer into a slave.”
“What?” was the two asked.
“Now before preaching about spoiling my soul just listen, she’s a Farsser there for a powerful phyker.
Nora: One, our earlier point about sanctioned Xenos. Two, this woman is highly regarded within Eldar society. In fact, expect a command raid to rescue her. Three, she would NEVER agree to this. Eldar are too proud to kneel before humans. You want to fuck an Eldar EP, just admit it. Here’s something though, if you’re going to write a romance with an Eldar, DO IT FUCKING WELL!
(Warning, the above link leads to 1d4chan. The story itself isn’t NSFW, but several attachments are. Proceed with caution)
This means that she should be useful, aside form the powers she can see the future this provides us with an advantage. And because we have her and not the Eldar that robs them of on of their Farseers.” he said.
Ert: Yeah, the problem is like we’ve said before. She isn’t gonna go along with this and the Eldar are going to be hauling ass to get her back
Selena nodded before looking at him with a brow raised. “But why didn’t you suggest Sanctioning her?”
“Well from what Kimsa said about her, I highly doubt that her pride and arrogance would allow it.”
Nora: Oh, so you DO know what sanctioning is. You just want to go with slavery because you think it’s sexier. Also, how is she gonna be too prideful to become an ally to humanity but not prideful enough to work for you as a slave. Because EP is horny.
Selena nodded at that. “Ok go for it,” she then saw Chris surprise before smiling. “I chose the people on this ship no only for their skills but also their less hatred of other races. This provides a very good combat force. They have worked with Tau, Eldar and some mutants before. So go for it.”
Ert: Ugh. Inquisitors do need to work with aliens sometimes, but I doubt they would want to recruit people who want to get all buddy buddy with them.
Chris smiled before leaving.
“He’s mine Kimsa, I’m the Inquisitor.”
Ert: You did not just fucking say that.
“An I’m your cultural expert, without me your plans will fall through.”
The two just looked at each other with fire in their eyes. At the door a cat ear twitched as the Felinid sniper smiled.
Nora: Oh yeah, my organization would just fall apart without the CULTURAL EXPERT! What ever would we do without you?
Chris was directed to a cell at the far end of the detention wing. He was alone which was more or less of a good thing as he needed to do this alone.
Shepard: You versus an Eldar Farseer. You lose.
There was two ways of doing this, either she will submit herself or he will use pleasure against her.
Ert:…Are you going to fucking rape her? Ep choose your next words VERY! FUCKING! CAREFULLY!
Sighing he opened the door and walked in to see the Farseer without her wrathbone armour but in little more than a cloth shirt. Her hands were chained in front of her and the chain was connected to a ring on the wall. Her was a deep red colour and her body was slightly muscular with a pair DD beasts. All in all very beautiful.
Ert:…Oh good God he fucking is.
Shepard: Looks like you were right in that he wanted her to be a slave to satisfy sexual urges.
“And who are you meant to be?” she asked.
“You cannot see my thoughts?” he asked slightly surprised.
“Of course not when I have your phyker cuffs on.” she said in a very arrogant fashion.
Nora: How many times do we have to say that the Imperium wouldn’t have the means to suppress an Eldar’s Psyker abilities? Especially a Farseer? And that psyker power supressing cuffs don’t really exist?
“Well that explains that, now I’m called Chris, and I am from M3.” he said with a slight smile.
“Impossible, no one could come from that time and live.”
Shepard: Technically people have gone into the Warp and come out thousands of years later. His trip breaks all known records though.
“Well I did come form a webway gate.”
“Well that explain the fluctuations, now to your business with me.”
“Ok, there are two options, the first is that you submit yourself to me as my sanction. As such I will look after you against all humans who will put a round in your head.
Ert: Why does she have to submit to YOU!? You’d think that the Inquisitor would be a much better choice for keeping a Farseer under control. See this is what happens when everything is about EP getting laid, all common sense gets thrown out the window.
The second, and the hard way, will be more fun for me but not you. It means for you to become a slave, and while I will teat you like a person outside but inside I’ll treat you like a sex slave. The choice is yours, I’ll g
let you think it over. I’ll see you again to tomorrow.” he then said before walking out.
Ert:…WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! EP’s self insert just flat out said that he’s a rapist! Are you insane EP? Do you really want a character who is modeled after you to be a rapist? Can I call YOU a rapist now considering that this character is now? Fuck, I’m considering it.
Nora: This is just nauseating. Work for me or I’ll rape you. I know EP still has you blocked, but can you leave an anon review?
Ert: YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!
Shepard: Creator…I wash my hands of you.
The ship of Aristotle was the ship of the Ultramarines 5th company lead by force commandeer Victorn. Victorn was the Force commander and was of the local nobility but unlike the other nobles, he was one who tired to help as much as he could.
Ert: One of these pampered nobles becoming an Ultramarine and becoming a Captain of one of the ten companies. HA! GOOD ONE!
He at at the commanders chair looking at the warp. Despite it’s nature, there was an odd beauty about it, it was strange but then again he was human.
Nora: Ok, looking at the Warp without protection. Uh, your brains are now liquid.
As he looked out the widow as a young woman barely out of her twenties entered. She had golden skin with long blond hair and brown eyes. She wore a Greek wrap around her body with a gold badge holding her wrap together. It had the Ultramarine U on it.
“Father why did we change course?” she asked getting Victorn’s attention.
“Why aren’t you in your room Alrexandra?” he asked with mock sarcasm.
Ert: I am told that on the Ultramarines homeworld Space Marines keep in contact with their families, but I seriously doubt they would bring them on missions. Also another attractive woman. Did you not have enough with your fucking future rape victim EP?
She just looked at him with fire in her eyes that made him laugh. “Ok ok, the Inquisition called me, they need ships moving to a planet named Ivune.
Nora: Five chapters in and we finally learn the planet’s name. Didn’t take too much time huh EP?
The place was recently taken over by the Imperium but something’s going on and the Inquisitor there has failed to find anything. Not to mention the Orks may take this as an opportunity to cause mischief.”
Ert: Psychotic alien warriors who kill for the sake of killing. Finally someone to root for.
“Geez trouble much.” she said earning herself a hard look from her father.
“This is a serious matter Fenra, the Inquisition is the organization that you cannot disobey.”
Fenra just looked at him nodding.
Shepard; Actually, Space Marine Chapters are one of the few organizations that can give the Inquisition the middle finger and get away with it. Space Wolf Chapter Master Logan Grimnar, actually killed an Inquisitor and got away with it.
Ert: So that’s EP’s latest story. I have to say EP, I’m surprised that you managed to write a story with only one hand free. I share a lot of the fetishes you do, but it DISGUSTS me how you handle them. Rape fantasy needs to be handled with care, and if you go all out you need a nice big “I don’t actually condone rape, this is all fantasy” at the front of your story like every sane porn writer does. Fuck, I’ve read outright porn with more depth than anything you’ve got. So let’s summarize. EP
-Can’t fucking spell
-Has an atrocious grip on grammar, pacing and characterization.
-Really just writes crap porn
-Thinks its ok to have a character based off of him threaten to rape someone
-Only includes female characters to ogle them
-Flat out admits he can’t control himself when ti comes to starting at women
-Thinks shooting a BB gun gives him combat experience
-Has no forensics skills whatsoever
-Can only describe a female character by the size of their tits.
-Has his characters make annoying animu noises even when they’re about to be gutted.
-Just can’t fucking write
Ert: *Sigh* We’ll be coming back to this as EP updates. Next week we’ll be moving onto a 40k/Mass Effect crossover, which is thankfully not as bad as this story and mostly just fucks up the lore. Consider this a springboard and a middle finger to EP. Though there isn’t a middle finger BIG enough for him.
I’m banned from reviewing his stories. Can you guys please review his story and try to get it through his thick skull that rape = bad?