1131: FALLEN – Chapters Three and Four

Title: FALLEN
Author: Legendaryicon
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dead Space
Genre: Horror / Sci-fi
URL: Chapter Three and Four
Critiqued by The Crowbar

Aand I am back with the next chapters of FALLEN!

If anyone needs a refresher, the link to the last Chapter is here.

And to stop myself from delaying my torture…

Let the anguished screams of The Crowbar commence!

Chapter 3

Bloody Clover

“Its massive and its outside the Terra Nova Cathy, it pulled me out into space and well can you get to the main guns?”He asked while floating amongst the dead bodies and wreckage. “I’m not sure maybe Bob and I ran into so many of them while they ripped and ate through others” she said while taking in deep breathes.

What? She ran into a lot of necromorphs while they were eating everyone? How is she still alive?!

Also, necromorphs don’t actually eat anything, ya’know. They just rip you to pieces.

And if that giant fucking thing is stuck on the ship, I don’t think you can blast it with your main guns! Well, unless you want to blow everything up…

Gun fire continued as Bob yelled “hurry now!” as Ray heard yells, gunfire, and static sounds “well try Ray but let’s get to the bridge then well do that we need reinforcements!”She yelled.

…Huh…

Hu-what?!

“let’s get to the bridge then well do that we need reinforcements!”

Does… Can anyone decipher this?

A- Anyone?

…No? Okay then!
 

Ray looked forward and shoved his left hand as it pulled him forward with his telekinesis he noticed the massive tentacle moving as if it were searching for something in particular. Ray reached a flat surface while he space jumped across into an open shattered hallway his breathing got deeper as his visor glowed in the dark. He walked slowly seeing remains of metal, organics and weapons, quickly grabbing the floating shotgun named the penetrator.

Oh thank God, the first wall’o’text is finally over…

Also, does anyone even know what the fuck the rest of that monster is supposed to look like, beside the fact that it has a tentacle?

And of course we get no description at all except the fact that he’s somewhere in some broken hallway.

Ray pointed forward as more and more rushed slowly towards him he opened fire upon them as each fell he gripped tightly worried about Cathy and Bob.

Whoah-whoah-whoah!

What the fuck?! Did I miss something?!

*The Crowbar is backtracking*

Nope. Nothing. It suddenly just jumped from there to this.

Goddammit, author, yanking us like this is gonna make my Painters puke!

Within that moment he killed 5 then reloaded instantly he turned left as another one charged forward and got close enough towards his visor.

What? He killed 5 of who? Necromorphs? Interns? Ponies?

EXPLAIN YOUR SHIT, AUTHOR!

“and got close enough towards his visor”

*sigh* Do I even need to point out that that sentence makes no sense whatsoever?

He noticed the disgusting yet vial opened mouth of the legless tailed dog like person as it roared he struggled to hold it at bay as he pushed.

Huh? Disgusting yet vial?

What the fuck?!

Just-

HUH?!

His shotgun was slashed out of his hand as he grunted he punched it then grabbed his pistol, unleashing a full clip into its head and chest. He threw it across as it bleed in space the torn hallway of nail marks, exploded walls, and pierced bullets made Ray couldn’t believe the damage done by these things.

“and pierced bullets made Ray couldn’t believe the damage”

That made me gigglesnort for some odd reason.

Maybe I’m losing my sanity.

Maybe indeed.

Painters! I need to sacrifice one of you to the Gods of Fanfiction! I can feel my brainjuices seeping out of my ear canals!

*The Crowbar grabs a Painter by its neck and starts bludgeoning it with a Crowbar*

Ray tried to rush quickly yet in space he only wasted his breath more he quickly grabbed an assault rifle named Patriot.”Guys?”He asked over his intercom he got in the elevator and headed towards the main lobby to reach the Bridge.

I love how literally the only description we get about the weapons here are their names.

“Ray were halfway there well meeting you at the main lobby and were almost out of ammo “said Bob as he ran forward along with Cathy.

Wait, did we just change POV-s?

There was no indication whatsoever! What the fuck?

Ray reloaded his SMG-19 with penetrating ammo to help him, “I’ll meet both of you there then, any word from the colony below? “he asked while noticing the vents above him. Sounds came alive from the vents above him he looked up pointing his weapon in a steady motion until lights flickered “come on”.

SMG-19? What? Where the fuck did that gun come from?!

Also, sounds came alive?

What sort of horror has this author awakened?!

Cathy yelled as Ray’s eyes went wide “what’s going on ?!””Fuck!? They’re so many run keep going! get to the main lobby now!” she yelled as he heard others screaming and roaring from his fired his assault rifle until his clip ended, a worker fell t othe ground as Cathy helped him stand up. Children yelled and screamed as others got taken by the large tentacles.

What? Where’d all these fucking people come from?!

Wait, did we change POV-s suddenly? Holy shit, we did!

Ghostie is going to love this. I remember hearing mentions of a leech-filled bolt-tape. I hope those ninjas still have some of that…

Bob ran after a child as he witnessed a massive Brute smash his mother he yelled ‘mom!”Bob quickly shot a necrmorph that came behind the child as he grabbed him dashing past the chaos that erupted from the lower decks. More rushed through as Survivors ran towards the main lobby.

And ofcourse we get no description beside the fact that it’s called “Brute”. Which means there’s basically nothing left of that lady.

Why?

Because this is a Brute:

latest

Cathy fired along with 2 other troopers “move!””oh no!”Yelled another while being taken through the steel floor as it was ripped open from below. “They won’t open the emergency security doors wont fucking open!” yelled a miner as the rest were coming. Cathy ,Bob, and a few others stood behind him firing, cursing,reloading,others cried, others panicked.

Welp. They’re all fucked. Or at least I hope so. The sooner they all die, the sooner this tripe ends!

Also, I love how the dude exclaims “Oh no!” as he gets pulled from under by a giant monster capable of ripping through steel bulkheads.

And yay, ’tis time for Chapter 4 now!

Chapter 4

Savior

Pinned against time Bob held onto the small child, “Open the fucking doors! Now!” he yelled as the miner cried and sweated. “I-I need someone to come

from the other side!”he yelled suddenly it began to become dented as Cathy said “No they’ve made it to the main lobby” Bob looked at the child cry as

he said “God damn it!”.

Oh Sweet Merciful Crowbar, it changed formatting again… The wall’o’text is no more, but we’re back to this bullshit again…

*HURK*

If you’re gonna go with shit formatting, at least be consistent, for fucks sake!

Cathy looked at the theirs as they began to lose hope until the doors suddenly began to slowly open as Ray pushed them with

his bare hands “Hurry!”he yelled as they ran through while Cathy said “Ray thank god”.

What.

“Cathy looked at the theirs as they began to lose hope”

Whu-

Oh. Fuck. This.

Done. I’m fucking done! Bye! This fucking fuckety fucker fuck just won’t stop with its nonsensical bullshit!

IT. NEVER. ENDS.

*The Crowbar has forced a Painter to choose the easy way out*

There, all’s good now.

“Close them now!” Bob and Ray closed the massive rusted

doors as Necromorphs bashed against the opposite side. Ray looked at them as he asked “what about the others”,”where the only ones left lets go”

said Bob as all ran up the stairs and bashed through the glass window into the main controls of the Terra Nova. Cathy grabbed ahold of the controls

and radioed for help.

Whoah-whoah-whoah…

Terra Nova?

The CMS Terra Nova?!

Why the fuck are there civilians on THAT?!

Terra Nova is a fucking military ship that has been floating in space, derelict for 200 fucking years after the necromorphs wrecked it during a covert mission! Why would there be civilians on it?!

No one has any idea where the hell the ship even is!

Or maybe it’s just a coincidence…

Also, how the hell do you know that you’re the only ones left on the ship?

Bob and Ray stood side by side “how did this all happen? “asked Ray,”we think it’s that stupid rock onboard but were not sure

“said Bob while letting the child down.

The doors smashed open as a Brute rushed forward Ray and Bob along with the last trooper besides Cathy.”Alright let’s do it “said Bob, they opened

fired their weapons as Cathy rushed to continue her communications with what might be the colony until 2 Brutes smashed through the walls rushing

towards the bridge as Cathy couldn’t react in time Ray fired his SMG-19 into its skull while the child cried aloud The 2-nd Brute tackled Bob and the other

trooper as Ray rushed over towards the stairs looking at Bob standing.

Oh God, another run-on sentence, I-

*BLARGH*

Oh no, my cupcakes are all over the floor now!

*The Crowbar scoops up all the half-digested cupcakes, eats them and licks the remains off the floor*

Mmmm, tasty cupcakes…

Also, 2 Brutes against your ridiculous SMG? Yeah, you’re fucked, man.

“Ray protect Cathy! Get us the Calvary” he said while he removed his helmet

and smiled at his enemies that rushed forward he gripped his assault rifle. Ray rushed back to her as she yelled “Ray! We lost the antenna!”.”No?! Can

you activate a fail safe?

What. What failsafe? If you lose your antenna, no comms, you fucking moron! The only way to fix this is to replace the broken one!

Also, why the fuck would you remove your helmet mid-battle, you fucking moron?!

he yelled as he looked back at Bob that was fighting bravely against the hordes. “The failsafes are all gone they won’t work

“she said as they felt a large movement of pressure along with a huge moan all across the ship.

Huge movement of pressure? That makes no sense at all. Pressure doesn’t “move”, it changes!

Also, “Bob that was fighting bravely”

Nice description of a potentially epic battle there, dimwit!

“Ship comartments 7,9,5,3 are all shredded and are all being sucked out into space!”She continued. Ray couldn’t believe it he thought within his mind and grabbed the child closely”Cathy can you fly the ship into the planet?! We need that colony it might be our only chance!”Said Ray. Cathy couldn’t believe what he was asking

Yeah, I can’t believe what he’s asking either!

This ship is completely fucked, and I doubt a random trooper like Cathy can fly a huge fucking warship!

Also, your armor is filled with holes, and so many rooms are exposed! If you enter the atmosphere, you better hope your bulkheads hold, unless you want the entire inside of your ship to cook!

Actually, if the ship isn’t suited for atmospheric entry, that’s probably gonna happen anyways.

then she nodded”im

configuring the flight controls now”,Ray looked back as he held the panicking child close he noticed Bob running back up the stairs while he reloaded

his pistol “fucking day what thell is this “he said to Ray.

The ship moved forward towards the planet of Mortis X, Terra Nova was moving into the atmosphere until suddenly. The engines shattered and Ray

long with everyone began to drop forward into the main front of the ship.

“main front of the ship”? How many front sides does this fucking ship have then?

Also, called it! Now that their engines blew out, we can all enjoy the beautiful sight of this ship slamming into the planet, vaporizing everyone inside along with itself!

Hold onto dear life the glass shattered Ray held on along with the

screaming child as alarms went off Cathy was sucked out in that instant as he yelled “Cathy!” she along with the other necromorphs pulled by the incredible air pressure of the atmosphere from the Nova fell quickly in a downward motion Ray yelled in pain, grunting, thinking that this would be his

death.

What. The glass shattered, and Cathy, along with necros was sucked out?

The ship is in fucking freefall! A whole fucking huge ship made of metal! You morons should be melting in the heat now!

Holding himself in a downward motion he tried to hold onto the kid as the child looked up into his visor crying he said aloud “HOLD ON”. Ray

saw flames come alive as the burning atmosphere burned through the Terra Nova and onto the child as he witnessed him burning alive.

Bit of a delayed reaction on physics’ part, but alright, I’ll take it…

Anyone else hungry?

“NOOOOOOO”

then Blackness as the ship crashed into the Dirt Mountains on the edge of a cliff side.

And since no one was strapped down and the glass in front of them was gone, they were all flung out of the ship at Mach 10 and got splattered all over the mountainside!

Okay, this is enough for today…

Ow, my fucking brain is revolting against me right now…

Advertisements

36 Comments on “1131: FALLEN – Chapters Three and Four”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Within that moment he killed 5 then reloaded instantly he turned left as another one charged forward and got close enough towards his visor.

    What? He killed 5 of who? Necromorphs? Interns? Ponies?

    No, I think he literally killed the number 5. There is now a blackened, smoking hole in between 4 and 6.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    ”Cathy can you fly the ship into the planet?! We need that colony it might be our only chance!”Said Ray. Cathy couldn’t believe what he was asking

    Yeah, I can’t believe what he’s asking either!

    This ship is completely fucked, and I doubt a random trooper like Cathy can fly a huge fucking warship!

    Also, your armor is filled with holes, and so many rooms are exposed! If you enter the atmosphere, you better hope your bulkheads hold, unless you want the entire inside of your ship to cook!

    Actually, if the ship isn’t suited for atmospheric entry, that’s probably gonna happen anyways.

    That, and assuming they survive they have just brought necromorphs to the surface of a populated planet.

    The last time that happened, the Elites had to glass New Mombasa.

  3. Ishi says:

    Ghostie is going to love this. I remember hearing mentions of a leech-filled bolt-tape. I hope those ninjas still have some of that…

    Leech-filled bolt-tape? That suggests an intriguing possibility.

    -dials cell phone-

    Moukin-niisan? I wish to speak with DaburuMegane-chan regarding a small matter of an upgrade to the Spider Cannon.

  4. neji7hyuga says:

    What? He killed 5 of who? Necromorphs? Interns? Ponies?
    EXPLAIN YOUR SHIT, AUTHOR!

    Sounds like there’s a serious lack of explaining stuff from what I have seen.

    I used to have that problem, just look at “Asari Healing”. At least I improved to some amount. Don’t know how much.

  5. neji7hyuga says:

    Wait, did we just change POV-s?

    There was no indication whatsoever! What the fuck?

    Another problem I used to have with my fanfics but fixed, or tried to fix it at least.

    It’s a bad thing to do, leaves readers confused.

  6. neji7hyuga says:

    And ofcourse we get no description beside the fact that it’s called “Brute”. Which means there’s basically nothing left of that lady.

    Why?

    Because this is a Brute: *insert image*

    The Brute, if it gets a hold of you, will tear you to shreds.

    Neji- I wouldn’t even think about using close quarters combat against that thing. I’d stay as far away as possible and use long range attacks.

    Agreed on that, it can smash steel bulkheads. When I saw that thing in the game for the first time, all I could do was try to keep clear so I wouldn’t get torn apart.

  7. neji7hyuga says:

    Also, a character’s dialogue and actions should get a paragraph, and every time there’s a change of speaker- whether if the speaker speaks or does an action, or both, there should be a new paragraph.

    Otherwise readers will get confused.

  8. neji7hyuga says:

    And since no one was strapped down and the glass in front of them was gone, they were all flung out of the ship at Mach 10 and got splattered all over the mountainside!

    And thus, reality ensued!

    900 million years later…

    A Forerunner scout ship found nothing there. No trace of the ship. No trace of the characters. Since time erased everything.

  9. "Lyle" says:

    This author has a serious case of diarrhea of the brain. He’s in such a damn rush to get the story down that he just sort of vomits it all onto the page in one mashed up jumble of incoherent words. It’s dizzying; truly, it is.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Pfff, maybe I should try it.

      Just imagine.

      Sitting in a room in the middle of the night…

      Looking at a piece of paper, tapping your pen against the table…

      And then you BLARGH your brain all over the piece of paper.

  10. TacoMagic says:

    “let’s get to the bridge then well do that we need reinforcements!”

    Does… Can anyone decipher this?

    I think the speaker was channeling John Freeman. Let me put it through the translator…

    “Let get’s two brig! Thn we dew tat wee ned reforce!”

    Hope that helps.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    He walked slowly seeing remains of metal, organics and weapons, quickly grabbing the floating shotgun named the penetrator.

    “Me-ow! Well, hello there!”

    Sorry, wrong kind of penetrator.

    • TacoMagic says:

      he yelled as the miner cried and sweated. “I-I need someone to come

      “This sounds like a job for the Penetrator!”

      Stahp.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I was wondering if I should make the joke or not.

        Then I went, “Nah’, these guys have definitely spent enough time on the internet to let their minds to the job for me.”

  12. TacoMagic says:

    Huh? Disgusting yet vial?

    What the fuck?!

    Just-

    HUH?!

    I’m going with that it’s a misspelling of “Disgusting yeti-vial.”

    Yes, it is a thing.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    “Ray were halfway there well meeting you at the main lobby and were almost out of ammo “said Bob as he ran forward along with Cathy.

    Gun without bullets kill too slow, use nife-

    *Mauled by lioness*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s