1129: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter EightPosted: August 3, 2015
Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Lyle and the shinobi intern Koori
Hello everyone! Welcome back to S&W:R. We’re in the home stretch with only four more chapters to go. I’m sure you’re all as excited about that as we are.
Koori: I would be more excited if this were the last chapter.
I know, I know. We can’t win them all. But if we manage to riff the entirety of chapter eight today then we’ll be that much closer, right?
So last time we met, Team Stu is given the chance to showboat their ninja skills. For reasons most likely related to blue, they chose to highlight only the basics of the ninja art, which would have bored any half-decent wizard used to fantastical things happening. Instead, because Stu aura is the strongest aura in the known world, everyone was very impressed with the exhibition.
Koori: I wasn’t impressed in the slightest.
*past Koori’s arm* You have taste, my dear. Anyway, so Number Eight Fruit Tree-sensei showed up at the end and ran off into the Forbidden Forest with his students. Let’s get to this.
AN: I’M BACK! And ready for action, hope you enjoy the chapter and please review!
Koori: I don’t want part of any action he might be ready for.
Chapter Eight: Investigation and Training
Team 11’s room
At least it isn’t a POV tag. I guess I’ll have to take what I can get. For all the horribleness this fic contains, it remains blissfully in 3rd person.
Koori: I haven’t had to use a senbon on you in a while. It’s nice.
Ryu sighed as he sat cross-legged across from Jade, the two of them with book sitting in their laps, it had been a month since Hachi had arrived and began training them rigorously “I’ve got nothing on spells that cause petrification, it’s all too high level stuff, unless one of the teachers is responsible?” He suggested tapping his chin in thought. The shinobi had begun splitting most of their free time up in two different ways, they were either training or researching possible ways of petrification. Hermione, Ron and Neville had all offered their assistance in the research aspect of it during their free time and did help them when they could, Neville had proven a tremendous help when he procured a list of plants, that when prepared in a certain way, could cause petrification to occur. While it did not give them any leads, it did help them rule them out as causes due to either secondary symptoms, or through testing the currently petrified Mrs. Norris.
What sort of secondary symptom could a petrified cat have? It’s a stone-solid cat.
Koori: Why didn’t Professor Sprout provide that list of plants to the teachers that are supposed to be figuring this out? Why would a group of genin be brought into this? The only time genin are called upon for difficult tasks is if there’s shortage of competent higher ranking ninja. Is Hogwarts low on competent staff?
This is starting to smell an awful lot like Harry Potter bashing. “Look how much better ninja are than wizards! The ninja will do everything while the wizards stick their wands up their noses!”
Koori: It’s like that boring story about the hunter doing stuff hunters are supposed to do while the hunters watch him do hunter stuff.
Watch yourself, intern.
Koori: *poors them both some tea and pushes one across the desk to Lyle* Just drink the green and keep riffing. You heard nothing.
Jade shook her head in denial “No,” She declared “Apparently last year a teacher was possessed by Voldemort and tried to steal an object that Dumbledore-san was guarding for an friend. Ever since then it’s been a pretty rigorous screening process.”
I’m sorry, what? Rigorous screening process? Have you forgotten Lockhart? I truly doubt that worthless piece of garbage was rigorously chosen. It’s more a matter of the DADA position being nearly impossible to fill. People don’t want it.
Koori: Snape does.
Yes, but Snape is an amazing potions genius. As much as he wants to teach DADA, he’s Dumbledore’s best professor for teaching potions and must stay in that position until an appropriate replacement is found. But that’s getting way ahead of where this story takes place. With only four chapters left, there’s no way we’ll be hitting Slughorn territory.
Ryu nodded in understanding as his brow creased in thought before he suddenly smacked himself “We’re looking in the totally wrong direction here Jade!” He shouted in realization causing Jade to look over at him “Remember what Naruto heard before he found Norris? He heard a snake!”
Koori: If I didn’t already read the series, I’d be angry that they’re bringing Orochimaru into this.
Spellcheck is telling me you meant to say Parochialism.
Koori: Your spellchecker needs improvement.
Jade blinked at the information as she caught on to what he was thinking “That’s right,” She breathed “If that’s true then that would really narrow down our search, we need to find a serpent that can petrify someone!”
Ryu leaned over and kissed Jade “And with your ability to talk with them…” He continued trailing off.
“I can either learn who is ordering it around, or even convince it to stop the attacks!” Jade concluded excitedly “Finally, Progress!”
The pair shared another kiss before they delved back into their research with renewed vigor.
Ew. Tweenaged wuv.
Koori: *passes Lyle a Squick-Sickness bag* It took the actual Harry Potter trio longer than a month to figure out that it was a Basilisk. And then it was Hermione that discovered it. Then there was following the spiders and the dueling club.
I have the feeling we’ll be skipping over a lot of that in order for Team Stu to show off how awesome ninja are.
Koori: While I am obliged to agree that ninja are awesome, this story is pathetic.
*eyes narrow* That’s getting dangerously close to being a POV tag.
Koori: Drink your tea. *refills Lyle’s mug*
I’ve noticed you’ve been a lot less polite since you started your internship.
Koori: I’ve gotten to know you better. You don’t like formality.
Naruto stood in the middle of the hallway where he had found the petrified cat. Naruto was one quick to admit that he sucked at book work so he had began searching the entirety of the school hoping to find a physical clue on whatever caused the petrification.
Closing his eyes he channeled a slight amount of chakra to his nose and sniffed deeply ‘Dammit‘ He thought in irritation ‘The scent is completely gone now.’
Koori: … That’s not… I… what?
I think the author has confused Naruto with Kiba.
Koori: Naruto does not have olfactory abilities! And channeling chakra to various parts of your body does not strengthen that part! Where did this author learn about the canon?
My best guess? Other clueless authors. I’m seriously doubting that DKR has actually read any of the manga or watched any of the show. His knowledge base is so piss-poor that I could almost wager money that his entire experience with Naruto-verse is by reading other badly written fanfiction.
“So my container is trying to hunt something is he?” A voice rumbled from Naruto’s mind causing him to freeze as his eyes went wide.
‘Kyuubi?‘ He wondered as he felt the blood from his face drain.
A yawn answered him “No it’s Santa,” Kyuubi mocked in return “Of course it’s me! Who the fuck else lives in you head!”
Wait a second. What’s going on here? Naruto can’t talk to the Kyuubi when he’s walking around conscious.
Koori: Hallucinations based on the fact that their dobe of a jonin instructor is having Naruto pull all night patrols without letting him get more than three hours of sleep beforehand?
‘B-but how are we talking?’ Naruto asked as he slipped into a corner hidden from sight to avoid prying eyes.
“This seal, as much as I hate it and the bastard Yondaime for sealing me in here, can allow us mental communication,” The Kyuubi explained “Listen Brat, I know you don’t trust me at all, but we need to talk sooner or later and work out a deal between the two of us.”
*twitch* That’s not how that happened. Naruto’s first encounter with the fox demon was when he was knocked unconscious during training with Jiraiya.
Koori: *chugs her tea*
Naruto frowned ‘I am not setting you free bastard fox.’ He answered angrily.
“Did I ask to be free? Of course you wouldn’t release me!” Kyuubi exclaimed with a huff “I’m not asking to be free brat, I would have to be blind, deaf and dumb to not see that! All I’m asking is for some sensations of the outside world, because of the seal I can see what you see, but I want to be able to feel the wind on my fur, the smell of the world.”
‘What would I gain from this?’ Naruto asked frowning as his mind raced with possibilities.
“Aside from starting a good foundation in cooperation between us?” Kyuubi asked in irritation “I can help you filter what you smell, hear, taste and see as well as provide you some of my chakra when you need it.”
Koori: This is stupid. *folds her arms* The fox gave Naruto use of his chakra because if the host dies, the fox dies, and Naruto was falling down a ravine to his death the first time they met.
‘I need some time to think on this,’ Naruto responded after a few minutes of silence ‘I’ll let you know tonight.’
Naruto sighed as he felt the Kyuubi’s presence recede from his mind before looking around as the Lunch Bell rang “I won’t find anything else here,” He muttered to himself as he stepped out of the shadowed corner “Might as well get some lunch.”
Koori: Well, Naruto is never one to skip out on a meal.
Later that Day, in the Forbidden Forest
That was almost a complete sentence. Heaven forbid he incorporate that into the following prose.
“So you guys haven’t been able to find anything out yet?” Hachi asked as he ran his three students through their warm up exercises in preparation for training.
“No, but we were able to narrow down the list considerably,” Jade revealed with a hint of pride in her voice “We figured it’s a serpentine based creature that is causing the petrifications due to the fact that Naruto had heard a serpent hissing when Norris was attacked.”
That’s actually speculation. He heard hissing before they found Mrs. Norris. There’s no evidence that the hissing sound happened in concert with Mrs. Norris’ petrification. The cat could have been hanging there for hours before they found her.
Koori: Assumptions make dead shinobi.
If only that happened in this fic.
“Hmm that’s a good point,” Hachi agreed as he held his chin in thought “Do that, but be extremely careful while investigating, treat this as an A-class mission.”
Koori: I still think Hachi cheated to get to jonin. He’s just too dumb.
Agreed. So they start training and we get a time skip to:
So Team Stu is getting ready for bed and Naruto tells them about the deal the fox is offering.
Ryu blinked in surprise as Jade looked stunned “That’s… interesting,” Ryu said as he frowned “Let me check the seal.” Naruto nodded as he took off his shirt and channeled his chakra to the seal causing it to appear “Every time I see this seal I am more awed by the skill of the Yondaime.” Ryu muttered as he inspected the seal seeing beyond the ink and design to the function and status of the seal that every Fuuinjutsu novice learns how to do “The seal is intact, and from what I can see it’s function is to allow some interaction with the Kyuubi without allowing it to influence you so long as you are alert.”
Koori: He’s a fucking genin and he can tell the seal is perfectly fine? DKR is seriously trying to tell us that his little self-insert is so kick-ass that he can decipher complex seal work?
I… was that really necessary?
Koori: Rage-Panda agrees with me.
Let’s move on before I try to make sense of that.
So Jade and Ryu tell Naruto to do it because nothing could possibly go wrong from making deals with a demon. As this is a fanfiction, no harm will come from it. They go to bed and Jade tells Ryu “thank you.” He wants to know why.
“For coming here with me,” She explained “I mean, you want to become a jonin sensei yet you’re willing to put that on hold to come with me…”
Koori: How, exactly, is this delaying that? Most jonin aren’t given a squad until they’re in their early twenties. Ryu is, what, twelve? Maybe thirteen now?
We’re never really told.
Koori: Regardless, unless he’s actually twenty and this is getting pedophilic, having him there with you will not delay him becoming a jonin sensei. Plus, he’s got to make jonin first. Being zomgaweshums isn’t a guarantee of gaining jonin rank. They look at the whole picture before promoting you.
“Of course I would come Jade-chan,” He whispered comfortingly hugging her “I love you, I would always put you before my own desires.”
Koori: Another indication that it is a terrible idea to put romantically involved people on the same team. His concern for her will compromise an important mission one day and people will get killed.
Jade smiled happily as she buried herself further into his chest “I love you too Ryu-kun.” She whispered as they drifted off to sleep.
Koori: *hands Lyle another Squick-Sickness bag*
How are you unaffected by this?
Koori: A ninja must withstand many things in their training. Squick is one of them.
Koori: That’s getting worse. Should I up the strength of the tea?
Might be a good idea. We’re about halfway done with this chapter. I’m going to do some more paraphrasing to keep Koori from rage-quitting all over my desk.
Ryu sits in the middle of an empty room and performs a seal that makes him look like he’s covered in tribal tattoos. It’s never specified if they fade when he’s done. He stumbles out of the door and Jade asks if he’s okay.
“Just fine,” Ryu assured smiling “As you can see the inscription was a success.”
So the tribal tattoos didn’t fade with the complete seal? He’s walking around looking like this?
Since there are hundreds upon hundreds of tribes with tattoos to choose from, I’m going with the Maori of New Zealand and their fantastic facial tattoos. Each one is unique. I’m picturing Ryu’s and it looks like this:
Hachi nodded “Good to hear, rest up for now,” He ordered “I’ve already cleared a day of leave for you to recover.”
Why are they at Hogwarts, again, if they’re just going to keep getting excused from classes due to ninja-related things?
Ryu thanks Hachi and Harry-Sue carried Ryu back into their room. She leaves him there and goes off to class herself. No idea where Naruto is.
Koori: It would seem that the author has forgotten about Naruto for the most part. He’s a secondary character in this in order for DKR’s self-insert to wank all over Female!Harry.
Potions Classroom, later that day
*twitch* Is that tea done yet?
Koori: It’s too hot.
A risk I’m willing to take. *holds her mug out for Koori to fill*
Jade gets to potions and Hermione notices that Ryu is missing, although nothing is said of Naruto’s conspicuous absence. Jade explains that Ryu has “chakra exhaustion” from a project he was working on.
“His project?” Hermione asked “I don’t remember the Professors assigning any projects.”
*frowns and grabs the script* The part of Hermione will be played by a rotting watermelon. Well, that explains why she’s coming across as a fucking moron. Hermione is nothing if not fascinated by anything she does not understand. She would have read every available resource on ninja the moment she met Team Stu and would have been able to deduce by the phrase “chakra exhaustion” that it was a ninja-related project.
*smacks DKR with the script* Use your brain.
Jade groaned at Hermione’s declaration “Hachi-sensei gave it to us to work on while we were here in Hogwarts,” She explained “Seriously ‘mione you need to relax a bit.”
I can’t actually debate that. Hermione could afford to relax a bit now and then.
Hermione blushed in embarrassment “It’s just that being a book worm, I’ve never really had friends, so I channeled everything into my schoolwork,” She explained “And well, good marks are all that I really have…”
Koori: May I have that? *holds her hand out for the script. Lyle shrugs and hands it to her*
Koori: Hermione wouldn’t just blurt all that out! Have you even read the books?
I think we’ve established that DKR has no actual experience with the canons he writes in.
“Bullshit!” Naruto declared quietly from in front of the pair as he carefully diced his ingredients “You have more than brains, or the hat woulda put you in Ravenclaw wouldn’t he?”
Koori: That’s… surprisingly astute coming from Naruto.
Ron also jumps to Hermione’s defense and tells her she was really brave last year. Harry-Sue is smug about being right and then says that “too much knowledge is almost never a bad thing.”
“Almost?” Hermione asked confused.
Jade winced slightly as Naruto slightly stiffened “Trust me ‘mione, you do not want to know,” She warned with a hard look “Some things are meant to stay in the dark, especially around shinobi, do not dig to deeply. Promise me you won’t.”
And we’re right back to Harry-Sue painting herself as a hardass who has had a tragic past. Now, I will give her that she has had trauma in her past, what with her mother dying to save her, but she doesn’t remember that and grew up with Team Stu. Seems she was relatively happy. We’ve been told she had a hard time growing up but we’ve never been shown it.
Koori: Most shinobi have had tragic pasts. Hell, mine was fairly tragic until Papa saved me.
From what I heard, you saved him.
Koori: I never would have had the guts to run away from my family if he hadn’t been there to help me, though.
I guess that’s a fair assessment.
Anyway, so Hermione promises not to dig into Harry-Sue’s past and Harry-Sue thanks her for that.
That Evening, Forest Training Ground
Koori: *silently refills Lyle’s cup*
This is the last scene for this chapter. *gulps her tea* We can do this.
“Alright, you feeling one hundred percent Ryu?” Hachi asked Ryu as Team 11 stood around their training area with a curious Madame Pompfry looking on.
“Hai, sensei.” Ryu confirmed as he stood in the center of the clearing.
“Alright, give it a try.” Hachi said as he stepped back from Ryu who formed a set of hand seals concentrating his Chakra.
“Kinraiton: Rakurai Kyoshin(2)!” Ryu shouted as he formed the last seal his tattoo seals glowed an electric blue as arcs of lightning coursed around his body “I think it’s working Sensei.”
It would be nice to know what they’re trying to do.
Koori: Impress Madam Pomfrey, I’d guess. Why else would she be there?
Hachi nodded and ran a quick diagnostic jutsu on the seals and gestured for Pompfry to check him over “Seals are working as designed,” He informed “They seem to be protecting the nervous system and regulating the chakra, Poppy?”
“This is simply amazing,” the School Nurse breathed her eyes wide in shock and awe “Not only has the signals in his brain sped up to the point of light, but the entire nervous system has, this could possibly give you a zero point reaction time…”
… Wut. I just…. wut.
the signals in his brain sped up to the point of light
What the fuck does that even mean?!
Koori: I’m as lost as you are.
“Right,” Hachi said with a raised eyebrow at the dumbstruck Poppy before turning to Ryu “Alright, time to test out the technique, run to the mark point and back.”
Ryu nodded and turned to the said marked point 50m away and with a sparking sound vanished only for a thud to sound as Ryu ran straight into the tree… 40m behind the marked point.
Jaws dropped at the speed as Ryu groaned in pain “Did he just go 90m in less than a second?” Naruto asked in awe as Jade and Poppy ran over to Ryu who was recovering.
Koori: Yes, ma’am?
Get. The. Chalkboard. *slams back the whole teapot.*
Koori: *wheels it out then gets out of the way*
You have a two-part nervous system in your body. The Central Nervous System (CNS) and the Peripheral Nervous System (PNS). Your CNS is what YOU control. It’s how you tell your brain to move your foot so you don’t step on that sharp thing you’ve spotted in your path. Your PNS nervous system is your reaction time. It’s how your brain tells you to move your foot if you step on something sharp that you didn’t know was in your path. With me so far?
Koori: *nods and scribbles some notes*
I want everyone to walk across the room right now. Did you find yourself having to wait impatiently for each step? No? What about the opposite? Did you find yourself rocketing across the room and through your wall? Not that either? That’s because your CNS works as fast as is appropriate to work. If you were to speed up the signal between the brain-foot-brain connection, you know what would happen? Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. You wouldn’t walk any faster than you just did because you told yourself to fucking walk. The same could be said of any other action you consciously perform. Even with your synapses firing as fast as light (which is 186,000 mi/sec), it would do your CNS BUBKISS! Zilch! Nada! No good whatsoever. Because you consciously regulate your speed. It will not make you faster to send the signals faster.
Now, let’s discuss going faster, like Ryu just did. You can tell your body to go that speed, but it won’t happen, no matter how fast your fucking synpases are firing. Why is that? Because you have a physical limit to what you are capable of doing with your body. If you had actually succeeded in fooling your body’s limitations, as Ryu somehow did, you would tear your muscles and tendons to shreds. You would destroy your body. No amount of conditioning would save you. Not even a ninja, such as him, would be able to withstand that sheer amount of force being exerted on your body.
And that, noble patrons, is why this has got to be one of the biggest bullshit moments I’ve dealt with since the time the Isle of Sodor killed slave children without repercussions.
Koori: … I think I might need to make you something stronger than tea.
Long Island ice tea, please. With a cherry. And a curly straw.
Koori: A cherry and a curly straw with a Long Island?
“Anyone catch the number of that truck?” Ryu groaned out as Jade gently lifted his head into her lap.
“No, but I think the tree will be angry you ran into it near the speed of light.” Jade commented looking at the dent in the tree “Your just lucky we put cushioning charms all throughout the area… you’d be dead otherwise.”
*goes back to the chalkboard, sucking down the Long Island through a color-changing curly straw*
It’s stated that Ryu moved 90 meters in less than a second. Let’s just say it was one second, to save on splitting hairs. *writes that down* When you get into split-seconds, things just get overly ridiculous.
I also mentioned up there in my rant that the speed of light is 186,000 miles a second. Let’s break that down into meters. *scribbles*
Doing incredibly simple math, we can see that the speed of light in meters per second is… Let’s see here…
1609.34 meters per mile. 186,000 miles per second of light speed travel…multiply that together…
299,337,984 meters per second is the speed of light in metric. And Ryu moved 90 meters per second.
*taps both numbers with her chalk*
Does anyone else see a problem with statement than Ryu was moving at the speed of light? If not, you’ll be staying after class to clean the erasers.
“She is quite right young man,” Poppy agreed deactivating the diagnostic spell “Thankfully all you have is a few cracked bones and a minor concussion.”
HOW?! *brandishes her drink*
“Going to have to add in some speed limiters than,” Ryu said as Hachi and Naruto approached the group “Until I can get fully adjusted just each level of speed at least.”
*grinds her teeth* The dumb. It hurts.
Koori: *pours more Long Island into Lyle’s glass*
I’m just going to finish this up so we can go get drunk and forget about this fic for a week. Jade kisses Ryu and then they all go back to the castle.
Thank the ever loving lobster gods.
Koori: The… lobster gods. *looks into the pitcher* I think I might have made it too strong.
See you next week!