1126: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Six, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by SC, Goldie, Grey, Cas, Rose and Ozzy

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex met a villain who thought he was sexy (though her fashion sense indicates that she thinks a lot of things), got a fur cloak that stank like shit, and met a… thing. That will be the topic of this part of the chapter, no doubt.

So, I really don’t mean to keep losing Paulo, but shit just constantly comes up for him, and he’s out again this week. This time it’s because his wife caught a flu bug.

*insert ain’t nobody got time for that here*

Well, since he’s out, I had to call in other guys. Ironically, yesterday, a wormhole opened that for once wasn’t Bifocals’ fault, and out popped the future children of some of the Specs and Co.! So I figured, what the hell, I’ll just have these guys riff with me.

First and foremost, we have Goldie, the son of the (obvious and inevitable) relationship between Specs and Bifocals:

O hai, Goldie!

O hai, Goldie!

Goldie takes after his father in the mercenary swordsman department, and after his mother in the insane mechanical devices department. The blue-grey thing around his neck is even a portable teleporter that allows him to summon any of his inventions on a whim. Unlike Specs, however, Goldie isn’t an idiot, and unlike Bifocals, you can be certain that Goldie’s inventions are safe to be around unless he decides otherwise. Case in point: Benji, the dual-form bodyguard droid who serves as Goldie’s response to Bifocals’ Gilderoy.

Guardian-Class Modular Combat Droid Type-002 Model A, codename

Guardian-Class Modular Combat Droid Type-002 Model A, codename “Benji”

Guardian-Class Modular Combat Droid Type-002 Model B, codename

Guardian-Class Modular Combat Droid Type-002 Model B, codename “Benji”

Next, we have Grey and Cas, a pair of brothers – Shades and Lordic’s two boys, actually. And yes, Shades and Lordic do eventually hook up. I didn’t believe it either, at first.

O hai, Grey!

O hai, Grey!

O hai, Cas!

O hai, Cas!

Grey takes after his mother more than his father, what with his preference of guns and adventuring for treasure and shit. Conversely, Cas (who was indeed named after Lordic’s nickname, Casanova) is more of the bookworm, and prefers to hang back and let his brother do most of the heavy lifting. Don’t get the wrong idea, he’s just as good with guns – swords, too! – he just doesn’t like getting involved.

And then we come to Rose and Ozzy, the children of perhaps the strangest relationship between Glasses and Sports Shades. I don’t know how the fuck that happened. Especially since Glasses has the hots for Book Specs, I thought.

O hai, Ozzy!

O hai, Ozzy!

O hai, Rose!

O hai, Rose!

(Note: Recolor.me’s glasses selection is hideously limited, so just imagine that Rose is wearing rose-colored glasses, and Ozzy is wearing… well, Ozzy Osbourne shades. Duh.)

Go ahead and take a wild guess which child takes after which parent. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Gee, that didn’t take long at all, did it?

Somehow or another, exactly NONE of Sports Shades’ douchebagness is present in either kid. Yes, they both have healthy egos, but in a way that doesn’t scream, “insecurities.” Unfortunately, ALL of Glasses’ friskiness came up in Rose, and has the smallest presence in Ozzy (he watches some INTENSE porn). Well, can’t win them all, I guess. It should go without saying that they’re both equally proficient with axes and swords, and both have catlike personalities at times. Thankfully, unlike their poor mother, neither of these kittens have to worry about unexpectedly reverting back to toddlers out of nowhere!

So, yeah, that’s those guys. They apparently consider themselves cousins, even though they aren’t even SIGHTLY related, and if you’re wondering what all the fantasy armor is about, evidently at some point they decide to form some kind of superhero-ish group because, hey, immortal and superpowered, why the hell not?

Goldie: That was about how we looked at it, too.

Rose: It’s worked out for us so far.

Hey, if it works…

Now then, I think it’s about time we get back to Alex and the… thing, so let’s do that:

Alex immediately jumped back, completely freaked out by this as he shouted and pointed, “AH! It talked!”

Wow, I’m an “it” now? Rude.

Grey: Some people are just plain inconsiderate.

Cas: Want us to shoot him? We can totally shoot him.

*Cas summons a crossbow*

I’m sure you can, but that would mean you shoot out my screen, and I kind of need that to riff with.

Cas: Oh yeah…

You know the trope, “Five-Man Group?” Supposedly, Goldie is the Hero, Grey is the Lancer, Ozzy is the Big Guy, Cas is the Smart Guy, and Rose is The Chick. I think we might have misclassified Cas.

Cas: One mistake and I’m getting dissed, I can’t even…

The little Fox-Squirrel chuckled, “Eheheheh. Ya got that right, fellah,” and then hopped up as he placed his front paws on the cage to hold himself up, “The name’s Isaac, kiddo. And it’s your lucky day for a purchase.”

Ozzy: You know, mom was really considering naming Isaac when I was first born.

Rose: I wonder what changed her mind? You really don’t look like an Ozzy.

It was probably Sports Shades.

Ozzy: It was definitely dad. I don’t know who hooked him on Led Zeppelin, but…

Grey: Blame Contacts. Probably.

I’m thinking he hooked himself on it. Contacts and Sports Shades don’t get along worth a damn.

The children: And how.

Oh right, you guys live with them…

seeing the human’s confusion, he closed his eyes, giving a salesman smile, “I’m on sale for the low price of 200 yen.”

That IS a low price. But I have a question as to whether Japan used Yen back then or not.

Cas: Actually no, Yen was first minted in Japan during the Meiji reign on May 10, 1871. Before that, a lot of Asia – including Japan – actually traded Latin and Mexican-minted silver dollar coins, and in the Muromachi period, Japan tried using a monetary system known as Tokugawa coinage. Using that system, you had coins made with bronze, silver and gold, ranging from the Ryō, to the Kōban, to the large Tensho Ōban coin. Although, using currency mined from Japan’s limited metal mines ended up being more costly than they had accounted for, what with outside Western countries looking to cash in on Japan’s wealth, and multiple provinces using their own specific currency rather than a united, singular coinage, and other such issues. After that system ultimately failed, Japan started minting Yen when China, who had developed coin minting technology for their own use, decided they preferred Mexican coinage over their own mints at that time, and gave their tech over to Japan. So, right now, Stone-Man85 is employing a monetary system that won’t exist for a looong time yet.

Wow. I take back that diss I laid on you earlier.

Cas: After that, you’d better.

he then opened his eyes, but then looked confused as he saw the boy was gone. He looked around, and saw the boy walking away, still in a half-daze about what had just transpired.

Isaac frantically jumped around the cage, causing it to jump around with him, shouting to the boy, “HEY, COME ON! DON’T WALK AWAY FROM A GOOD PRICE! I’M A RARE COMMODITY HERE!”

Oh look, the anime trope about a character getting blown off and getting all up-in-arms over it. Wherever have I seen that before, I do so wonder?

Goldie: Truly, my good sir, this is a mystery like no other.

Ozzy: I want to say that it starts with an “A?” Oh, what is that word?

Rose: Was it Aminu?

Hmm. Well, I’m sure it’s not important.

he jumped around so much, that he caused the cage to fall straight to the ground, opening it up. Isaac zoomed out of the cage in a little furry flash, like a squirrel would, right after Alex. He then hopped on by his cloak, and using his claws, climbed up onto the boy.

Shadow of the Alex.

*Goldie chuckles*

With his hood down, he spotted the little Fox-Squirrel on his shoulder. He freaked as he jumped, trying to get the little critter out, “Hey, get off me!” but the little fellow kept disappearing around him; it didn’t help at all knowing this critter was probably part squirrel, making it easy for him to crawl and climb on his body.

Rose: Heh. Kinky.

Just like her mother…

Ozzy: One of mom’s traits I’m glad I didn’t get as much of, truthfully.

“Seriously, I have enough problems as it is,”

If you got critter problems, I feel bad for you son.

Grey: I got ninety-nine problems, but a fox-squirrel ain’t one.

and then finally, grabbed Isaac as he brought him up to his face as he growled, “The last thing I need now is another curse or just a cursed creature following after me.”

“I ain’t cursed, kid,” Isaac explained, allowing Alex to ease his grip on him, “I’m a Forest Spirit.”

You’re getting on my nerves, is what you are. And we’re not even all that far in, yet.

Alex let him go, as Isaac ran up on his arm and perched himself on his shoulder.

There’s some wacko anime anatomy going on here if a combination fox-squirrel is able to sit comfortably on a teenager’s shoulder. A squirrel, I could buy, but have you seen how big foxes are?

I mean, they're small, yes, but they're not shoulder puppies.

I mean, they’re small, yes, but they’re not shoulder puppies.

Rose: Goldie has a shoulder-perching bot.

Goldie: I call it Polly because it makes parrot noises. And that’s it. I was feeling pirate-y one day.

Huh.

Alex’s frown stayed on his face as he answered, “I’ve seen a Forest Spirit, and you’re not a Forest Spirit.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah,” Alex answered, “The first one I saw was a giant boar that nearly tried to kill me.”

Bitch, Nago ain’t no spirit, he was a god! Get it right!

Isaac shook his head, “Nah,

tumblr_n93pr7oI3s1qzj5kvo1_400

Cas: Really, mate?

I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop myself.

that’s a Forest God; I’m a Forest Spirit. There’s a difference between the two.”

Goldie: Spirits are akin to angels. Maybe demons. Depends on what your views are, really.

Wow, you just ruined Isaac’s chance to give his own explanation.

Goldie: To be fair, it’s probably gonna be dumb.

Yeah, probably.

he smirked,

I should inform you, Isaac, that Taco is not above gonging small woodland creatures.

“A Forest God is both gifted in Strength and Immortality, unable to die as easily as you think. While a Forest Spirit, on par with the Gods, are servants gifted in powers deemed in order to serve the Gods in anyway,”

That had to have been the stupidest way of saying spirits are basically angels that I’ve ever read. And if a spirit is on par with a god, you’ve basically just said that the two are one in the same, thereby refuting your own argument. Nice going, dingbat.

he then sat on Alex’s shoulder proudly as he announced, “And I serve one of the Great Forest Gods, next in par with Shisha Gami.”

Okay, now I know you’re not using “par” correctly. As I explained, par means that they’re on the same level. In Princess Mononoke, nobody matches Shishigami. Any mention of him at all, even by fellow gods, is with the utmost reverence. The closest to “next in line” with him you’ll get is probably Moro, at least if we’re going by her track record as compared to other gods mentioned throughout the movie. And if you’re a forest spirit working for Moro, I’m pretty sure you’d be a wolf – LIKE THE REST OF HER PACK.

“That’s nice,” Alex stated, which caused Isaac to nearly flat out stare at the boy in shock.

“Oh, come on!” Isaac frowned as he went hysterical, “How can you not find that impressive to purchase me?”

“Because I don’t buy strange talking animals,” Alex responded, deciding to go with this latest piece of insanity that was thrown in his face,

Ozzy: Pretty sure Booky just threw a brick.

[If nobody else has the balls to do anything to me, I’d like to see YOU try, kid. -Book Specs]

“… and aside from the fact that a bizarre creature, whom I’ve never seen in any zoology book, or on Animal Planet episode, is speaking to me in plain English… what exactly can you do that would make me what to keep you.”

Christ, it’s like the author’s understanding of English is steadily dropping with each paragraph.

And fuckin’ here we go again, referencing things that have no meaning in the present time period! Who the hell is going to know what Animal Planet is in the Muromachi period, Alex?

“I can help you with your curse,” Isaac answered, earning a surprised look on Alex’s face. He then looked to Alex with a smile as he continued, “I can lead you to where you need to go, as well as help you point out what and who can help you within the forest, including the Tribes that reside within them.”

Thereby taking all the challenge of actually finding the cure out of Alex’s ordeal, and thus removing all tension about it from the fic. Nice going, author, you just made your fic uninteresting.

Grey: I feel like I should be upset by this.

Not really. When this fic isn’t boring, it’s aggravating, so I don’t mind that it’s going to go back to being boring again.

Alex thought about it for a moment, and in truth, he really didn’t know jack squat what he would expect to find. So far, he had been lucky to take only the forests where there wasn’t any Gods or Demons in them.

Cas: Oh don’t worry, that turn of luck won’t last long.

The last thing he needed to do was get in trouble and get cursed twice.

And end up with more stupid powers, probably.

Goldie: Oh Jesus, it’s one of those “I dun got cursed” situations? Couldn’t just let it be a CURSE, could he?

Nope. Of course, so far he’s been treating the entire canon like some kind of super goofy anime, so I kind of saw it coming when it happened.

So far, he really didn’t want to get in any more trouble than he already was.

You already have. Remember little miss princess from earlier?

Sighing in defeat, he crossed his arms and looked to the little fuzz ball, “It’s your funeral.”

Isaac smirked as he looked to Alex face-to-face, “Alright then,” and then pointed to the pet market owner, “Then pay up the man.” all this earned was a confused look on his face. This caused Isaac to blurt out in an frustrated tone, “Hurry it up! The sooner you pay for me, the faster I can get on with you as your familiar!”

Ozzy: Uh oh, he used the F-word.

Rose: I can hear Booky screaming already.

[*SCREAMS HORRIFICALLY* -Book Specs]

He suddenly zoomed around all over Alex, trying to find something to pay the shopkeeper. Alex twirled and twisted around, trying to grab Isaac as he blurted and screamed out, “Hey, come on! Stop that! Hold still!”

Finally, Isaac hopped off and scurried over to the shop keep. He hopped on the table, and spat out one of the gold nuggets that Alex had in the small bag given to him by the Amishi.

Oh, I completely forgot he had those.

Goldie: Must mean they’re not really all that important.

Like a lot of things the author’s written so far.

Isaac smirked as he proudly presented him, “There you are, Kashiro. Pay in full with one gold nugget. This should get the store up and going.”

The shop keep was stunned by this, but then he started to cry comically

Oh God fucking damn it, another anime trope. This jackass just doesn’t stop with these.

as he blubbered, “But… but, Boss! How am I gonna manage the store without your business skills?”

“Hey, come on,” Isaac said as he walked over and padded Kashiro on his hand, “You’ll run the store fine without me. We both knew this day was gonna come along. Just know that fate will probably have us cross paths again.”

Rose: Don’t lie to him, you’re ditching his ass.

“Oh, thank you, Isaaku,” Kashiro blubbered happily, trying to wipe away his tears.

Ghostie, I’m so sorry.

“Don’t call me that, please?” Isaac pouted, “I changed my name to Isaac, remember?”

And that makes sense HOW in Muromachi Japan?

Grey: Because, you know, reasons.

Alex raised an eyebrow in confusion at this whole thing, and sweat dropped as his shoulders slumped at this scene,

Ghostie, I’m sorry again.

Goldie: I feel like you’ll be apologizing a lot before we’re done.

Yyyyyeah.

“So the animal was the store owner? Wonder if anyone else knew about this? And if they did, what would they do about it?”

Cas: Evidently, nothing.

Maybe not here.

Ozzy: Are you implying things would go differently…

Elsewhere in the Village

…Bro.

Rose: Yeah, we’re pretty privy to that joke in our time.

*sniffle* I couldn’t be more proud…!

Near a miso soup stand, someone was sitting at it, looking rather distasteful at his bowl of miso.

You’re supposed to eat it before it gets cold, bro.

Grey: It’s okay; sometimes Cas does the same thing because he’s too busy reading.

Goldie: He does, though! He managed to leave a single carrot sit out for so long that it wilted!

WOW.

Cas: I like to read, is that such a crime?

He was a very ugly lump of a man

Ozzy: Yo, harsh bro.

walking towards him on what looked like a pair of short stilts that stuck out from the bottom of his wooden sandals.

GETA, damn it, those are geta!

I would know what geta are! I’ve seen some of the ninjas get kicked right upside their faces by an angry wife-ninja before! Ishi could tell you all about it!

Rose: Our dad had a pair of geta for unknown reasons. I think mom burned them…?

Goldie: No, I burned them. He asked me to so that people would stop talking about why he had sandals hanging on his wall.

I very highly doubt that he “asked” you.

Goldie: Yeah, he actually just shoved them in my hands and left before I could object.

That sounds more right.

A large parasol and basket were slung over his shoulders. The man was very short and had a pudgy face with a large, red wart that bulged out between his eyebrow and his equally red nose. From the look of the dirty white tunic that covered his round belly, the red cap and cloak, and the set of ceremonial beads dangling from his hand it was a good bet that this man was a member of some religious order.

In the Muromachi period, it can pretty much be assumed that most of Japan practiced the Shinto faith. So, he’s not part of A religious order, he’s part of THE religious order.

And that’s also not true, because that’s only Jigo’s cover. He’s a mercenary working for a Daimyo lord and stands as the head honcho of the Daimyo side of the three-way dispute the movie is centered around, like how Moro and Lady Eboshi are the head honchos for the wolves and Irontown. You don’t learn this about Jigo until late movie, when everybody is suddenly after Shishigami’s head for Imperial support and he and his men shoot Shishigami’s head off mid-transformation.

He was known to some as Jigo, a holy monk of sorts from what people had heard about him.

Uh, Stone-Man85, religion in the Muromachi period was about as huge a deal as respect STILL is today. If someone is a monk, EVERYBODY IS GOING TO KNOW IT. They don’t even have to know his name, all they need to do is LOOK at him and they will fuckin’ clear the table off so that he’s not sitting on front of a horrible mess.

Priests, Samurai and the Imperial Family, you can expect the entire country to shape up whenever any of them are around.

Grey: Don’t forget the miko, mate.

Cas: Maaaybe, but there is a detail here:

During the feudal Kamakura Period (1185–1333) when Japan was controlled by warring shogun states, the Miko was forced into a state of mendicancy as the shrines and temples that provided her with a livelihood fell into bankruptcy. Disassociated from a religious context, her performance moved further away from a religious milieu and more toward one of a non-ecclesiastical nature. The travelling Miko, known as the aruki Miko, became associated with prostitution.

Grey: …Oh.

Yeah, and since the mid-late thirteen hundreds are when the Muromachi period kicked into gear, it’s a bit doubtful that this little issue was subject to change. In fact, come the Edo Period, their situation got WORSE. So, I mean, there might still have been SOME respect for Miko as a religious icon, but… well.

Grey: Well, fuck. Thought I had something there.

Next time, buddy.

Jigo grimaced after taking his first sip of the miso soup that had just been poured into his bowl. This day had not gone well for him, not at all. It was bad enough that he had to make that trip to the Imperial Capital on such short notice to report to the damn Emperor.

Oh, pardon THE EMPEROR for needing you to make an audience posthaste, didn’t realize that was such a bother for you.

Now he was stuck in backwater Kugi-tai, after just narrowly escaping yet another raid from Osano’s samurai, eating lukewarm soup, ‘At this rate it’ll be another two weeks before I finally reach iron town.’

And the lady you work for ain’t gonna like that. If I’m not mistaken, isn’t there a rendezvous you need to meet?

Goldie: And he thinks he has the time to sit around eating crappy soup? Dude, get a move on.

He licked his upper lip and grunted, “This place selling soup or donkey piss,” he said as he squatted idly on the wooden stilts of his sandals.

Ouch. And people think food critics TODAY are scathing.

The soup vendor shot him an irritated look from behind the cloth wrapped around her face.

What, is she a soup ninja? Why is her face covered?

Cas: And speaking of soup ninja, what’s Kira doing in this fic?

Kira?

Rose: We met her during an adventure from way back when. She kinda just followed us home, and now she makes soup on cold days. Likes to wear purple, too.

Huh. And here I thought the ninjas were missing someone.

Jigo just ignored her and let his sharp ears wander about the street

Dude, get your ears back, they’re sharp! Samurai might mistake them for weapons and arrest them!

Grey: And do you KNOW how hard it is to post bail with no equilibrium?

until they came upon one conversation that pricked his interest. He tilted his head to his left and looked at a group of men across the street.

“…and the moment I looked up, there he was. His demonic right hand raised up in the air as he nearly split the earth around him. It sent the samurai bandits flying back, almost as if they were hit by a tornado.”

Tornados pull things IN, pal. That’s why people try to run AWAY from them.

Stone-Man85, are you serious? You live in America, a place which sees frequent tornado activity in certain areas, said tornados often making the news because of how devastating they are, and you don’t know how tornados work? Like, okay, maybe you might not live in an area where that’s a problem, so maybe you DON’T know, but then you couldn’t even be bothered to RESEARCH IT?

Can you, for once, TRY AND PUT SOME EFFORT INTO YOUR WORK?

“Any idea where he comes from?”

“Haven’t the faintest.”

“They say he’s actually a half-demon from lands beyond.”

Previously a human from lands beyond.

Goldie: Kind of like all of our parents.

It’s true!

“Humph!” Jigo said as he continued to drink the bitter tasting soup, “The only demons those people will ever see are the ones they have to share their beds with.”

All present: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

That burn was so bad, I bet the ninjas felt it!

*an arrow stuck in butter slams into SC’s desk; attached is a note*

“Esshi-kun, please turn down the temperature in your riffing chamber. As you know, the Bata no Ninja reside directly beneath, and it is becoming quite uncomfortable for us down here. Most humbly, Ishi.”

Well, you heard him guys, pipe down on the burn hype a bit.

Goldie, Rose, Ozzy, Grey and Cas: Aww…

He too had seen the young outlander pass through the battle, as well as witnessed the extraordinary powers he had used on that samurai as well as the fighting skills he used to fight off a whole gang of bandits.

And it was ALL BULLSHIT.

The first moment he had laid eyes on the tanned-skinned youth, he immediately recognized something valuable in his abilities. Something very valuable, indeed.

Hey! It’s your first redundancy, kids!

Goldie: Oh no.

*OH YEEEAAAH!*

Goldie: Grey, Cas, guns!

*Grey and Cas grudgingly summon pistols and move out to the hall; gunfire ensues*

Goldie: Ozzy, go back them up!

*Ozzy draws two katanas (for coolness, naturally) and runs out to the hall*

Goldie: Benji!

*Goldie snaps gods fingers, and his personal guard-bot Benji materializes before him*

Benji: Battle mode, activate.

Rose: Give Benji support while you attack from behind?

Goldie: Oh good, you were paying attention. Let’s go!

*Goldie draws his sword and a laser hand cannon, and the trio join the rest in the hall*

…It’s just the freaking DRD, they didn’t need to mobilize an entire attack formati-

*a loud, electronic-sounding BOOM rocks the building, and a DRD agent is sent flying through the wall*

SHIT!

*SC dives under the desk as a truly epic battle spills into the riffing room, destroying many things before finally concluding with the DRD retreating*

Ozzy: …Well that was fun.

I SURE HOPE YOU DAMN KIDS ARE PLANNING ON CLEANING THIS SHIT UP, BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO!

*The children survey the room*

Goldie: …Ah. Too hardcore?

The fuck do YOU think?!

Goldie: Uh… Felix!

*Goldie snaps gods fingers, and a butler bot materializes in the room; it promptly scans the area*

Felix: …Optical scan complete. Mess detected. Processing vocal inquiry: “Holy shit, son, what did you do?”

Goldie: It’s complicated. Can you take care of this for us while we finish up the riff?

Felix: Orders received and acknowledged.

*Felix sprouts twelve cleaning utensil-equipped arms and sets to work rectifying the damage; meanwhile, the children stand about awkwardly*

Goldie: …Sorry about that.

Let’s just get back to the riff, please.

And as soon as he got the chance he was going to find a way to exploit that value.

Shouldn’t take him too long, Alex is probably going to arrive shortly.

“Well look at what the wolves dragged in,” a man sitting next to him said.

Jigo glanced in the same direction the man was looking and grinned. Standing in front of a rice merchant was none other than the young outlander himself dressed in a wolf-skinned cloak, and what appeared to be a Fox-Squirrel on his right shoulder. Tossing a rusty coin into the soup vendor’s lap, he stood and brought his bowl to his wide mouth.

“I suppose the Gods must really like me today,” he said as he slurped up the last of his soup.

Ozzy: Is anybody else mildly creeped out by the description of Jigo finishing his soup?

Rose: It’s making me feel dirty. And I think hardcore S&M with rubber animal masks is tame.

And that will follow me into my nightmares.

Alex stood quietly as the young woman sitting across from him poured a large amount of rice into a bag and handed it to him. “This should cover the cost,” he said, placing a small gold nugget in her hand.

The rice merchant looked at the yellowish lump as if it were a piece of animal droppings. Obviously she had no idea what it was that she was actually holding, “Just what the hell are you trying to pull?” she snapped, shoving her open palm at Alex. If you’re not going to pay with real money, then give me back my rice, you little thief!

“Who are you calling a thief,” Alex asked as he raised an eyebrow, “That is real money…”

I’d jump on the author’s ass here, but Ashitaka gets shat on about the gold nugget as well, so this one’s a pass.

“Excuse me,” someone cut him off, “But might I inspect that.

Alex looked to where the voice had come from, and saw a very ugly lump of a man walking towards him on what looked like a pair of short stilts that stuck out from the bottom of his wooden sandals. A large parasol and basket were slung over his shoulders. The man was very short and had a pudgy face with a large, red wart that bulged out between his eyebrow and his equally red nose. From the look of the dirty white tunic that covered his round belly, the red cap and cloak, and the set of ceremonial beads dangling from his hand it was a good bet that this man was a member of some religious order.

Wh-!

YOU JUST FUCKING RECYCLED JIGO’S DESCRIPTION YOU FUCKING HACK!

*Did someone say recycled?!*

God damn it!

Goldie: Should-?

No, you sit your asses down. I’M handling this.

*The DRD kick in the doo-*

*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*

DRD Agent: …Oh shit-poop.

Laser Eye Explosion

*Once the fires die down, SC puts his glasses back on; another buttery arrow slams into the desk*

“Esshi-kun, please refrain from unleashing your eye-fire upon the floor. It causes the ceiling for us to heat up substantially, and it is again very uncomfortable in here. Most humbly, Ishi.”

Sorry.

*muffled Japanese below the floor*

I think they said we’re all good. Hard telling.

Also, you guys can come out now.

*the children peek out from the respective hiding spots – Goldie having hid behind Benji, who threw up an exothermic barrier to repel the heat wave*

Cas: Not sure that I trust you.

Don’t give me shit, kid, if I have no issues exploding your mom’s head, I certainly won’t hold back with you.

Felix: Processing vocal remark: “For fuck’s sake, I just cleaned that spot.”

Sorry, bro.

The rice merchant shrugged then dropped the yellow clump into the priest’s dirty hand.

Eeewww. Why did the gold nugget turn into a pee ball?

Ozzy: Dude, I told you to keep it in the litter box.

Rose: I told you to keep it in the litter box!

Grey: Well, I’m thoroughly disgusted.

“My Gods,” the man exclaimed after looking at the small object for a moment, then looked back at the rice merchant with wide eyes. “You silly woman, don’t you realize that this is a piece of pure gold?” He gave her a crooked grin, “But if it’s money you really want, what do say I pay for this lad’s rice and take this nugget off your hands.” Raising his hand above his head and showing off the gold, he addressed the crowd of people that had been building up. “My good villager’s, is there a jeweler amongst you who can tell me how much this is worth?”

Good Guy Scumbag Jigo: Offers to pay the exact sum of the gold you tried to use for your rice, but only so that he can manipulate you for his purposes later.

Goldie: Sounds a bit like Contacts, actually.

Yeah it does. Only, without the offer to pay for you.

As the scene unfolded, Alex could only look at the ugly little man in total bewilderment. “Is this guy a priest or a merchant?” he asked his fuzzy companion, Isaac silently, “Because he seems to act like the latter.”

In fact, he is neither!

Aaawkwaaaaard…

“Yeah, something seems fishy about him,” Isaac mumbled on it, but shook his furry head. “Oh well, as long as he’s keeping them occupied…” Isaac stated the obvious.

“Yeah, let’s get outta here,” He turned around and began walking away with his rice bags in tow.

“No?” the man continued before an actual answer could be given. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to do it myself. Now I’m just a monk, but I’d say that this gold nugget is probably worth at least three full bags of rice.” The crowd gasped and broke into a buzzing murmur. “That’s right, maybe even more!” He looked over his shoulder and saw that Alex was now halfway out of the village. “Hey, where’ you going?” he called out, but before he could take a single step, the rice merchant grabbed his arm.

“Where are you going?” she asked viciously, and yanked the gold from the monk’s hand, “Give me my gold!”

Jigo dun got mugged.

Rose: Is it any wonder that he’s a mercenary?

Goldie: Whoa, wait, what’re you implying? Not all mercenaries!

Take it outside, you two.

Goldie: …Huh?

I said, take it outside. You know,

Outside the Village

Rose: …But we’re not in a village.

An entire clan of ninjas live right below me. Their room could very well be a village, from what I’ve seen of it. I consider that close enough.

“Jeez!” Alex exclaimed as he looked to his newest travel companion, Isaac, “Is there anyone in this century that’s not some crazy wacko?”

Ozzy: Yeah, everybody who isn’t you, actually.

The fox-squirrel yipped in response. “Nah, probably not,” he then looked towards the road path, “It’d be pretty rare if there weren’t people as crazy as that.”

“Okay, then let me ask this question,” Alex quizzed on, “Is there anything or anyone in this time that won’t try to kill me?”

1140448

Isaac thought about it long, he pondered about it, but then finally answered, “Hmmm, probably not.”

The two had barely gotten a few yards away from the village when they heard a familiar voice calling out to him. He looked over his shoulder and saw the priest running after him. How he was able to do such at thing with that heavy looking basket strapped on his back and those stilted sandals was a complete mystery to Alex.

Don’t underestimate a man’s ability to sprint in geta.

Goldie: Especially Sports Shades.

“Hey, there! What’s the rush?” the monk called out, “You can’t leave now, we’ve only just met.”

Cas: He was leaving before you even introduced yourself, mate.

He moved to a place alongside Alex and smiled, “You’re a man of few words, I can tell that just by looking at you,

Jigo, you blind fuck, Alex isn’t a man! He’s a boy, and he says MANY things!

so I’ll introduce myself first. He cleared his throat and continued. My name is Jigo. I’m a traveling humble monk of the Southern temple. And you are?”

Southern WHAT temple, Jigo? You can’t just say “southern temple” and expect people to get what you’re talking about. And by the way, author, temples in Japan usually have NAMES, in case you didn’t know.

Nathan

Goldie: Nathan?

The main protagonist from the fic this fic ripped off. You can tell Alex is based off of him because Stone-Man85 keeps fucking their names up.

glanced at Jigo and frowned slightly. There was something about this stubby little man that just didn’t seem right. Alex,” he finally answered, ‘A man of few words’, this guy definitely scores a low in observational skills.’

I know, right?

“Well, Alex,” Jigo continued. “We’ve got your rice and you are all set. Now don’t you even think of thanking me.”

Grey: ‘Kay. Now piss off, gobshite.

He then looked down at Isaac, who was giving him a confused and investigative look, then back at Alex, “Actually, in all truth, it should be me doing the thanking to you, really.”

“Why do you say that?” The dark haired youth asked, gazing off at the setting sun, “This actually the first time we’ve met.”

“I was trapped in that battle back there, and you distracted the samurai long enough for me and a few others to get away,” Jigo paused for a moment, then added, “I saw what you did to that samurai and when you made that crater as well, not to mention those fancy foreign fighting moves you had going there. You fight like you’ve got a demon in you, boy.

Well, he kind of does.

Also, those foreign fighting moves are part of a form known as, “Stupid Boy Style.”

Ozzy: You mean the one where you spend more time flourishing than actually doing anything, and when you finally act, it makes no reasonable sense?

I should be worried that you know that, but Sports Shades is probably a big practitioner.

Rose: How do you think we learned it?

Goldie: I’ve been trying to make them UN-learn it for years now…

A troubled look crossed Alex’s face, and he smiled bitterly, “In a few weeks I will be a half-demon.”

Cas: Oh, good! Then Grey and I’ll be able to try out our new Demonbusters!

“Demonbusters?”

*Cas and Grey summon some… very interesting guns*

guns

…Wow, how long have you guys been sitting on those with no reason to use them?

Grey: Too bloody long.

“What was that?” Jigo asked.

“Nothing, forget it.” it was then that Isaac tickled his face with his tail, getting Alex’s attention, “Hey, come on, Isaac. Knock it off; what’s the big deal?” He then looked over his shoulder and spotted a small group of men following them from at a distance.

Could it be assassins?!

The samurai from earlier?!

The Specs and Co. come to ruin his ass?!

(Does anybody really care?)

Find out next week!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Hopefully I can finish this chapter next week, because my God, this had no reason to be so long. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Goldie, Benji, Grey, Cas, Rose and Ozzy, I’ll see you next time!

…There, I included Benji in the sign-off too.

Felix: Processing vocal objection: “You did not include me! What the hell, man?!”

Ah shit, I forgot you were still here, sorry.

Goldie, Grey, Cas, Rose and Ozzy: Rude.

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80 Comments on “1126: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Six, Part Three”

  1. SC says:

    *insert ain’t nobody got time for that here*

    God DAMN IT, I knew I forgot something when I edited this riff!

    Ah well. You get the joke, anyhow.

  2. The Crowbar says:

    What have you been using now, after tektek got upended by Gaia for your characters?

    • SC says:

      Recolor.me; it’s not as loaded as tektek because it’s so new, but it’s been working out okay so far.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Ah’, thanks!

      • The Crowbar says:

        Hmm, that site seems pretty interesting.

      • SC says:

        It’s not as item-heavy, but it allows for color customizations and multi-layering, so hey.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Apparently you need these bits to unlock more items?

      • SC says:

        Only if you just plan on customizing your own avatar.

        There’s a forum called Avatar Contests where you can freely build whatever the hell avatar you want at no cost. They give you an image code when you save it, even. (And if you remove the image tags, it becomes a link directly to the avatar you just made, so you can save it to your picture gallery for future use. That’s how I’ve been doing these character profiles in my riffs.)

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh, wow, I just checked the database, and there’s a TON of stuff added every single day!

        I think I like this place.

      • SC says:

        It was made by the same guys behind tektek, so hey.

  3. The Crowbar says:

    Wait, he’s on sale? And for 200 yens?!

    Man, your soul is the cheapest I’ve ever seen…

  4. The Crowbar says:

    “Because I don’t buy strange talking animals,” Alex responded, deciding to go with this latest piece of insanity that was thrown in his face,

    What, why not?!

    Talking pets would be way better than a non-talking pet!

  5. The Crowbar says:

    [*SCREAMS HORRIFICALLY* -Book Specs]

    Huh? What F word?

    Familiar?

  6. leobracer says:

    I just checked out this guy’s profile to see how many words this fic has.

    269k words.

    Where in the nine hells did this guy get the motivation to write that many words?

    • SC says:

      At least to until a certain “chapter” that is waaaaay the hell later on from now, he pretty much just lifted chapters from the original fic he ripped off, with some very minor changes so that hopefully nobody would call him on his plagiarism.

      Oh, and he’s still going with this fic, by the way. It’s not done yet, far from it.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      That many words?!

      Even my longest stories, both on and off the internet, never got that close! Even my longest that I have currently on Fanfiction.net but put on hiatus due to how badly written it is and will eventually re-write it, has 27,444 words.

  7. neji7hyuga says:

    The Crowbar said-

    Yeah’, I mean, it’s a FANFIC.

    Isn’t the whole point of fanfiction like… Bringing an idea to life about something you really like, or fulfilling your fantasies through competent writing?

    I agree with you on all that.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    “The name’s Isaac, kiddo. And it’s your lucky day for a purchase.”

    Issac. A Judeo-Christian biblical name in the middle of Shinto and Buddhist Japan. Riiiiigggghhhttt…

    • neji7hyuga says:

      In a fic set in a Japanese setting, one should use Japanese names.

      Which is why, in Naruto, I stick to Japanese names for characters, it fits. Using Western names…just doesn’t fit.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Which is precisely why my intern is named Koori and not something dumb like Jessica.

        • neji7hyuga says:

          Indeed, the name Jessica would not fit in a Naruto setting. It would just stick out as a glaring naming error that would likely get whoever made the error called out on it.

          And considering the nature of Fanfiction.net…I wouldn’t be surprised if some starting throwing insults directed at the writer for doing something like that. And we know they can get downright vicious and spiteful at times.

      • SC says:

        I always try and make my characters have names that fit with the context of their stories. Even if it’s something really simple, like “Seth.”

        • neji7hyuga says:

          I do the same too, be it Naruto or another fandom. Always good to make sure the names fit.

    • SC says:

      I’m not even going to credit the author with Japanifying it as *Isaaku” because that was just rancid.

  9. "Lyle" says:

    “… and aside from the fact that a bizarre creature, whom I’ve never seen in any zoology book, or on Animal Planet episode, is speaking to me in plain English… what exactly can you do that would make me what to keep you.”

    So if he’s speaking English with Mr. Rabies here, does that mean that everyone in Muromachi Japan is speaking English as well for Stulex to understand them and communicate?

    Skeptical Lyle is Skeptical. And charging Carlos.

    • neji7hyuga says:

      I fully understand, it’s not believable considering the setting.

      In cases, this is not attended to in-universe like in a science fiction setting like Halo or suchlike.

      And in crossovers, same could apply.

      Though in settings that have an explained away of how it happens- like in Mass Effect, such a thing needs to be taken into account. Like if you have a crossover, whoever is crossed over into Mass Effect likely won’t have a translator, and in that case, wouldn’t understand the alien characters at all. The Human characters, depends on what language is being spoken. Thus, a translator will be needed.

      And that is what I have taken into account for a Mass Effect and Naruto crossover I eventually will do in the future. Not now of course, not skilled enough and need to refresh on Mass Effect canon and suchlike.

      And speaking of Mass Effect and Naruto crossovers, as I have told Herr about before, there’s some…cliches I have seen. One is Naruto being the last of his kind from his home world, or one of the few remaining. As for the cause- in some cases Reapers, in others some other cause. In one case it was Geth. Though a few thankfully diverge from that. Though most have Naruto Uzumaki as a main character. I tried to look for one with Neji Hyūga. One apparently looked like he would be amongst the characters, but gets killed off along with several others in the first chapter…

      Which is why I want to be sure I do this one right. Since it diverges from the cliches I have seen. After all, I don’t want a repeat performance of what happened to Ninja Chronicles- Halo…

    • SC says:

      I’ve kind of just written it off as some kind of magic translator or something. That’s one of the few suspensions of disbelief I don’t have an issue with.

  10. S.M.F. says:

    What was that about the F-word? If there’s a spork context for this, I’d like to know about it, if only because I’ve somehow forgotten about it! >.<
    Granted, that may well be a good thing…

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Isaac frantically jumped around the cage, causing it to jump around with him, shouting to the boy, “HEY, COME ON! DON’T WALK AWAY FROM A GOOD PRICE! I’M A RARE COMMODITY HERE!”

    *sigh*

    Okay, Chris Rock, you can poke your head out from under the stall now.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    and then finally, grabbed Isaac as he brought him up to his face as he growled

    *frown*

    You know, I wonder what the hell possessed this author to give this talking animal that presumably comes from Muromachi-period Japan one of the most Abrahamic names ever. Like, for fuck’s sake, Isaac is the son of Jacob that was supposed to get sacrificed before God gave Jacob the ram, right?

    So what the hell is the name “Isaac” doing in fucking Muromachi-period Japan!?

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Thereby taking all the challenge of actually finding the cure out of Alex’s ordeal, and thus removing all tension about it from the fic. Nice going, author, you just made your fic uninteresting.

    You say that as if it had ever been interesting in the first place.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Finally, Isaac hopped off and scurried over to the shop keep. He hopped on the table, and spat out one of the gold nuggets that Alex had in the small bag given to him by the Amishi.

    You know, when I first read this line, I thought it said “shat out one of the gold nuggets”.

    I almost wish it had been that…

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Near a miso soup stand, someone was sitting at it,

    Wait, so if he was near it, why was he sitting at it?

    *headdesk*

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “This place selling soup or donkey piss,” he said as he squatted idly on the wooden stilts of his sandals.

    *frown*

    *checks cast list*

    Why on earth did Chef Gordon Ramsay decide to offer his voice talents to this fic?

    • GhostCat says:

      And why is he wearing stilts? Geta are made of wood, but they aren’t that thick. I do know of two specialty “tall” styles of geta, but they were worn by merchants or courtesans (or actors, which were usually the same thing).

    • SC says:

      THIS TOFU IS SO UNDERCOOKED I CAN SEE FUCKING MOLD GROWING ON IT! GO BACK AND MAKE IT AGAIN YOU STUPID EGGROLL!

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It sent the samurai bandits flying back, almost as if they were hit by a tornado.

    *headdesk*

    Even one watching of The Wizard of Oz can tell you this isn’t how tornadoes work! What the actual fuck!?

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He too had seen the young outlander pass through the battle, as well as witnessed the extraordinary powers he had used on that samurai as well as the fighting skills he used to fight off a whole gang of bandits.

    And it was ALL BULLSHIT.

    Not to mention a run-on sentence.

    Jesus, you could overflow the banks of the river Rhine with the amount of run-on sentences in this fic…

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    How he was able to do such at thing with that heavy looking basket strapped on his back and those stilted sandals was a complete mystery to Alex.

    Someone drop a copy of Timeline into this kid’s lap.

    The book, not the movie. ‘Cause the book is actually much better. And also brings up that these people back then probably moved faster in older things on virtue of the fact that hey, they were used to it.

  20. TacoMagic says:

    he smirked,

    He’s a fox squirrel, how does that even-

    Isaac smirked as he looked to Alex face-to-face,

    Seriously, fox squirrels don’t have a smirkable face! How is he-

    Isaac smirked as he proudly presented him

    *GONG*

    *A fox squirrel is launched out of the bunker*

  21. TacoMagic says:

    “Well, Alex,” Jigo continued. “We’ve got your rice and you are all set. Now don’t you even think of thanking me.”

    And it just so happens that he wasn’t! See, that’s why he was splitting town with the rice while you were distracting everyone.


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