1125: The Pirate and the Peasant – Chapter 2Posted: July 31, 2015
Title: The Pirate and the Peasant
Topic: Frozen, Rise of the Guardians, Brave, Tangled, How to Train Your Dragon, Peter Pan, Percy Jackson and The Olympians
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat (with special guest Syl)
Hello, my lovely Patrons! I’m back with another chapter of this short little pirate-themed mash-up and once again accompanying me is Syl.
“Why am I here again?”
Because I don’t know anything about pirates.
“Neither does the child writing this thing.”
… I have booze?
:props bare feet up on desk: “Works for me.”
So let’s review what happened last time; :flips through notes: Not a whole lot by the looks of it. Our fearless pirate captain Elsa scattered her crew on various missions…
“That have nothing to do with being a pirate.”
And was on her way to steal the crown jewels…
“Which are nothing but a dinky tiara.”
When she decided to hire a couple of local goons to do the job so she could chase after some man-candy.
“He’s barely boy-candy.”
That just sounds so wrong.
Captain Elsa Jane was a queen gone rogue.
Okay, but what does that have to do with her chasing after Jack? That’s where the last chapter was heading.
“Did you skip over some of the chapter? I won’t tell if you don’t.”
No, I didn’t. Give me some credit.
She was the former ruler of Arendelle, and she was a fiery one at that.
“What’s so funny?”
Sorry, it’s hard to explain.
The kingdom was a hardy kingdom. Stubborn, rebellious, much like their queen.
A fine, strong kingdom that will bear some lucky empire many healthy colonies.
Setting that aside, why does the narration make it sound like a rebellious populace is a good thing? Typically when the populace gets riled up, things do not end well for those in charge.
“In my experience, things end very abruptly for those in charge. A sword is usually involved, although the frogs have this fancy gadget that really streamlines the process.”
I don’t think the French still use the guillotine, or appreciate being called frogs.
“I wasn’t talking about the French.”
She had a younger sister by the name of Anna.
“Isn’t that the name of the princess that she sent her crew to kidnap?”
It is, isn’t it? Must be a common name for royalty.
:squints: “You know something, I can tell.”
As children, they were close, but Elsa pushed her sister away upon the request of her father. Why? Well Elsa was never given the chance to find out.
“Was her father a drunken, selfish asshole? That’s why mine sold me to the Scarlet Sisters.”
“It’s a long story, I’d rather not talk about it.”
You can’t bring up something like … Oh, you brought your knife again. :swallows carefully: Yay.
“As I’ve said, I am a deeply private individual. Can we get back to Elsa?”
Well, to answer your question about her father – no, I don’t think so. In the canon Elsa’s father isolates her because of her imperfect control over her ice abilities. It’s misguided, but he means well.
“Ice abilities? This woman has ice abilities?”
… I don’t know. :flips through notes: Nothing’s been mentioned in the narration.
She remembered clearly the pain, the misery it was to leave her sister alone. She loved her so much.
“So why not just tell her father to pop off and do what she wants?”
I’m sure he has good reasons for doing this; although if Elsa doesn’t have her powers then I can’t really think of one, but I’m sure there’s something.
When Anna turned 15, she and her parents went to visit their father’s sister. She was queen of a kingdom. Elsa could never remember which.
“Does she have many aunts who are queens of their own countries?”
You’d think that would be something that would stick in your mind.
Elsa never heard from the three again.
“Huh. I guess that means the princess she’s having kidnapped isn’t her sister.”
If she is, then this just reached a new level of stupid.
She was lonelier than before. With no hope to see her family again, what was she going to do?
I hear macramé’s nice.
“Can’t go wrong with drunken carousing. Or cross-stitch.”
The advisors thought it would be wise to forget about her family, and just lead the kingdom as their queen. In a nutshell, they told her to Screw the rules! Forget about your family! You can rule the kingdom at age 18. Okay? Okay.
“And this is a bad thing?”
It is a bit harsh; she just lost her family. Not her entire family, since she probably still has that aunt and various other relatives hanging around, but all of her immediate family is gone. That’s hard to go through at any age.
“I don’t know how it works for queens, but it can’t be too different from a captain. Your first priority is to your crew, or in this case your country. Indulging in personal feelings is a luxury you cannot always afford.”
Are you positive you’re not a captain?
“Ugh, no. Never again.”
Obviously, the advisors were harsh, cold-hearted.
“That doesn’t mean they’re wrong, you know. This is bigger than one heartbroken girl; there’s a country to think of.”
They wanted their way all the time, no matter what.
Well, duh. They’re powerful politicians; that’s pretty much a given.
“I think this child is trying to turn these advisors into villains just for doing their jobs and making sure Elsa does hers.”
It does look that way. They aren’t treating Elsa like the Special Little Snowflake :snerk: that she is, so they must be evil.
They had no care for the trouble and misery they put their queen through, no care for the people of the kingdom.
Okay, that first bit makes them assholes but the second bit makes them incompetent assholes. The whole “crush the populace under our bootheels and to hell with the consequences” routine is not sustainable over the long term in most situations; you either drive the country into the ground or the people rise up and overthrow their oppressors.
“Like harvesting wool by slitting the sheep’s throat rather than shearing it.”
Elsa was always stressed, what, with mourning over the disappearance of her family, the idiocy of the advisors, as well as taking on the responsibilities as queen.
“And she didn’t hire new advisors … Why didn’t she do that?”
Because the plot demands she be a sniveling McWhineybritches who does nothing but bitch and moan about how terrible her life is.
“Yet this is the same woman who captains a pirate vessel.”
So it would seem. If she can’t take the pressures of being a queen, I don’t know why she would shuck them all to become an outlaw.
“I don’t know why she would want to. Sure, it sounds romantic in an abstract way; a life of freedom and no restrictions. But it would be a completely different set of stressful situations that her gentle birth would leave her ill-prepared to deal with. Most ladies of the court don’t regularly castrate rapists, whip malingerers, or cut the hands off of thieves dipping into the pot.”
Can’t say that would be something they would do on a regular basis, no. Also – damn. Remind me never to get on your bad side.
She had finally been pushed past the breaking point when the advisors demanded her to step down as queen.
“The allegedly evil advisors want to get rid of their puppet queen? Whatever for? She’s letting them do whatever they want with the country and is likely publicly shouldering the blame; why would they want to get rid of her?”
They insisted anyone from the kingdom could do a better job than she, and of course that pissed her off.
“But they’re not wrong if she’s nothing more than a figurehead; a half-trained monkey could manage that.”
True, but she’s got her bloodline on her side. In a monarchy titles are inherited, they couldn’t just pick some idiot and dress her up real pretty. She’s the queen, she can dismiss these advisors without a second thought so they should do whatever they can to keep her happy and ignorant. If they want to push her off the throne the best way would be to convince her to marry some shmuck and then arrange an “accident” for her.
She happily put an end to them, fleeing the castle.
“Is that suppose to imply that she killed her advisors?”
Kind of looks that way. I can understand that would make her upset – but again, she’s royalty. Royalty can get away with a lot more than an average person could. If she kept her cool she could brazen her way out of it.
“That doesn’t sound like something she’d do.”
On her way to the docks, she met another who harbored the same feelings as her own.
“There’s another displaced, murderous queen running around the docks? What are the odds?”
I know, right?
Kristoff was his name.
Oh, it’s that kind of queen.
“He’s a lady-boy? I thought you said he was an ice farmer.”
It does bring to mind some very odd mental images.
He was rejected by his family, and asked to tag along. Reluctantly, the former queen agreed.
On one hand there’s Kristoff, who was “rejected” by his family for some unknown reason – possibly due to his “queen” activities – and on the other hand is Elsa, whose family is dead and who was fucked over by those she should have trusted most.
“And Elsa may or may not be a multi-murderess.”
Wow. They could almost be twins. Actually, they could be twins and the audience would never know since neither has been described in any real detail.
The two of them headed to the docks and stole a ship, before they were on their way.
:Syl headdesks: “You’re right, the pillow does help.”
Told you so. I’m guessing that stealing a boat isn’t like hot-wiring a car.
“Whating a what?”
Ummm … Stealing a horse.
“No, nothing like it. Unless they stole a very small vessel, it would take more than two people to sail a ship. And trying to make a go at pirating? They’d be laughed out of the ocean.”
Kristoff agreed to let Elsa be the leader, content with being the muscle of the partnership.
“Pity they have no one to be the brains of the outfit.”
Better call sensei to get that burn treated.
“I’m not letting that uptight parasite-fondler anywhere near me.”
Not you, the … Never mind.
Elsa was thankful for her fascination with boats, she learned all she knew from the books she read growing up.
:snerk: She learned how to sail from books? :giggles: Really? That’s what you’re going with, author?
“Of all the ridiculous nonsense I’ve seen in my life, that is the most recent.”
She sailed the ship with ease, until a terrible storm hit.
“And that’s why learning something like sailing from a book is a bad idea.”
It’s not like she wouldn’t have had an opportunity to learn if she had wanted to; the palace is on the waterfront and purchasing a yacht would have been easy for her once she was queen.
She couldn’t remember much of that week, only landing on the Isle of Berk around the 4th day.
Looks like her sense of time was the first to go.
“Must have been a hell of a storm if it lasted an entire week.”
Or they just got really, really lost.
“Where were they heading, again?”
Ummm … Hey, look over there! :points: A distraction!
Elsa had managed to make an arrangement with a local. Hiccup was his name.
“Isn’t that the name of her lover?”
There goes any dramatic tension that particular relationship might have had.
He agreed to build her a new ship to replace her old one, if she would allow him and his friend Astrid to join her team.
“I thought her lover was a blacksmith?”
It looks like he’s a fellow of many talents, or the author doesn’t know the difference between woodworking and metalworking.
“Or he forged her a boat out of iron.”
Let’s call that Option B.
Elsa, after seeing what both Hiccup and Astrid were capable of, happily agreed.
“What the hell can they do that’s so impressive?”
Soon enough, the team of four left Berk, content with the ship and its arrangements.
“What arrangements? What is going on?”
We call it “daybook writing”; it’s like reading a very boring diary entry.
Elsa was still the leader, as Hiccup and Astrid both agreed that she was capable of taking charge.
“Why? What has she done to prove herself an effective leader?”
She hasn’t died yet.
After all, it was expected of a former queen.
Who was the meat puppet of her corrupt advisors, so she doesn’t have any actual experience as a leader.
“And these kids aren’t loyal subjects, they are strangers. There’s no reason for them to follow her orders.”
The ship had been called the Aren Fleet.
“That’s a terrible name for a ship.”
I’ll grant you that it isn’t the catchiest name ever.
“A fleet is a group of boats, this is one dinky little vessel thrown together by a blacksmith.”
Notice it had been called. We’ll discuss what happened to that ship later.
” … Wait, who is speaking? Why did they say that?”
No! Bad author! :rubs author’s nose in fic: We maintain our voice!
Now, somewhere between England and France, Elsa discovered what it was like to be a pirate.
In the English Channel? I didn’t think there were a lot of pirates in the Channel.
“Elsa must be a decisive woman, you can cross the Breton Sea in only a matter of hours.”
She discovered the joys of looting, and the joys of becoming rich. After a talk with her crew, the decision was made.
They were to be pirates, and Elsa was to be the captain.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but this Elsa was a queen.”
“Wasn’t she already rich beyond most people’s dreams?”
And she was probably very famous and influential. She gave up all of that to become a stinking pirate.
Deciding on a last name for herself, Captain Elsa Jane became the woman she is today.
“Today” being the previous chapter before we started on this little side mission?
“Are you certain you didn’t skip over something or put the chapters in the wrong place? This seems like a prologue rather than a chapter.”
I’ve checked – twice. This is how it’s supposed to be.
Of course, that is not the end of the story.
No it’s just the beginning.
“That got stuck one-third of the way in for some ungodly reason.”
Soon after becoming pirates, the crew had at three successful, very memorable raids on prosperous kingdoms.
:Syl groans: “Will it ever end?”
I’m still waiting for it to get back to the beginning.
The Southern Isles, Arendelle, and the Greek Isles of Blest.
“That sounds unpleasant. Time for a drink.” :picks up glass from the desk:
Where did that … How do you do that?
“That would be telling.”
The Southern Isles was full of snobbish idiots; the entire crew was more than happy to steal the kingdom’s gold.
No need to go into any detail or anything, it’s not like stealing an entire nation’s wealth would be the least bit interesting.
“I’d much rather hear more about how mean those advisors were for not treating Elsa like a damned china doll.”
As for Arendelle, well both Elsa and Kristoff wanted revenge on their “beloved” home.
She abandoned her throne and likely killed all the high-ranking court officials, plunging the entire country into political chaos.
“Yeah, I think they’re good on the revenge front.”
And the Greek Isles of Blest. It was Elsa’s first solo mission. She’d picked up weapons, gold, silver, and other precious metals and gems. Needless to say she was very proud of this accomplishment.
“She did all that, whatever it was, by herself?”
Witness the power of a Sue – able to accomplish the impossible in a single paragraph!
Soon after that, Elsa had heard news of Berk’s new silver mine. Elsa was a fan of silver. A huge fan of silver.
I’m fond of silver as well, but you don’t see me going on about it.
“Me, I prefer copper and brass. Much more useful.”
It could be used to make weapons, and the captain absolutely loved weapons. Swords, daggers, knives, bows and arrows. You name it. Elsa loved it all.
“Silver is a terrible metal for weapons! It’s soft and heavy; a sword made of solid silver would probably bend under its own weight – and even if it didn’t, it would be dull to the point of uselessness after the first blow. A silver bow would bend under the strain of the first arrow.”
I suppose the author thinks it sounds dramatic, giving her all-silver weapons, to keep with her canon color scheme of blue and silver.
“A well-made blade has its own beauty; this ‘ all silver weapons’ codswallop is the kind of over-priced decorative trash tourists would buy.”
Hiccup knew that his father would protect the mine at all costs. He tried to tell his captain that it was a bad idea. But Elsa was the most stubborn person they knew.
I think you misspelled “most suicidially idiotic”, author.
“An excellent quality to have in a captain.”
She ordered them to sail on, which led to disaster.
There was a huge fight between the Vikings and Elsa’s crew.
Much shock. So surprised.
“I wonder how many of her crew died?”
A village of Vikings against four teenagers who don’t know what they are doing? All of them should be dead.
“How many do you think really are dead?”
Since they all make an appearance in the first chapter, which apparently happens later in the timeline, I’m going to say all of them live.
Hiccup and Astrid dreaded to fight their families, but they did it anyway.
Ugh, the wording is so awkward.
“Care for a drink?”
Better wait until after the riff, I don’t want to have to start over.
Kristoff took the liberty to fight the chief, Stoic the Vast. Hiccup had decided he wasn’t strong enough yet.
“So three teenagers against a village of Vikings.”
Poor things. That village never stood a chance.
Hiccup had lost his foot, Astrid had almost lost her hand, Kristoff had been stabbed, but he did not die.
Yeah, we know.
“He’s in the first chapter!”
The Aren Fleet was destroyed. It was blown up by Stoic the Vast, who Elsa and the crew learned was Hiccup’s father.
:yawns: “I’m so glad the author decided not to show any of the exciting stuff. So much better to just tell everyone what happened instead. It really shortens the time I have to spend reading this drivel.”
Welcome to my world.
In an act of defiance to his former home, Hiccup sought the help of an old friend from Never Hollow.
Her name was Tinkerbell, or Tink as the crew would come to call her.
So I was right, it is Tinkerbelle.
She’s a fairy.
“A fairy as in” :holds up fingers an inch apart: “a tiny little magical person kind of fairy?”
That would be the one.
She helped Hiccup not only rebuild the ship, but also build him a new foot.
“A tiny fairy built a boat? A regular-sized boat?”
And a prosthetic foot.
She soon joined the team, thus making Hiccup and herself become the blacksmiths.
:eye-twitch: Gah. The awkwardness, it burns me.
Have you been hanging out in the Lounge with an anthropomorphic lion?
“Her kitten is really cute.”
Elsa remembered having to search her stash of weapons, before finding the perfect one. It was Stygian Iron, a metal only found in Greece. The dagger was double-sided. One side was blunt, but looked very sharp. It couldn’t cut anything, thankfully. The other side was sharp, sharper than any weapon Elsa had seen before, aside from her favorite golden dagger.
This is one of the worse passages of descriptive narration I have ever read. The dagger’s made of a special kind of metal, only there’s no information given about that metal, and it isn’t really a dagger because it is dull on one side, but the other side is sharper than a different dagger that has never been described and thus is useless as a comparison.
“I think I liked it better when there was nothing.”
She gave to Hiccup as an apology, and all was right with the crew once again.
“That’s what she thinks his foot is worth, a knife?”
He is a Viking; they do tend to lose limbs on a more regular basis than most demographics, but according to the first chapter she gave him the knife to “make amends” for attacking his family, not losing a foot.
“I would have at least offered a chest of gold, or given him his choice of the wenches from the next raid.”
She did make him her boyfriend.
“I fail to see how that would be a reward.”
This leads us to the joining of the last member. Princess Merida.
STOP CHANGING PERSPECTIVES!
“Oi, more royalty. Most pirate crews don’t have this many blue-bloods.”
They’re the special little snowflake crew.
Elsa had sailed to Scotland for another solo mission, to steal the jewels of the tribal kingdom of DunBroch.
“She sailed a boat all by herself and then stole the jewels – why is it always jewels? – of yet another kingdom all by herself … Why does she even need a crew?”
Who else is going to tell her how awesome she is?
Of course, she did not expect to run into the runaway princess.
“With her track record, she should expect nobles to fling themselves off of the piers when she drifts past.”
Princess Merida had wanted an escape, and Elsa gladly gave it to her. The girl was independent, tough. Merida proved to be a valuable asset.
She could use any weapon she so desired, although she preferred the bow and arrow.
I am so beyond caring about anything at this point.
“This princess sounds far more competent than Elsa. She should be captain.”
Not going to happen. Elsa’s the Sue; competency doesn’t matter.
The team welcomed the Scottish princess, and Elsa was still accepted as their ruthless captain.
Told you so.
After many more raids, Captain Elsa had become famous across the entire continent of Europe.
The entire continent, the whole thing?
“It can happen, if her exploits were especially memorable.”
I just read about them and I have a hard time remembering what happened. And this is in the days before mass media; it takes a long time, months or years even, for news to travel via conventional methods.
She soon learned of the kingdom of Corona. Happy to have another kingdom to destroy, to watch slowly crumble, she and her crew set sail.
I thought her whole motivation was to money, now it’s about crushing kingdoms?
“That would explain why she chooses to target royal treasure, it doesn’t explain why she attacks places on land – they are supposed to be pirates, not Vikings.”
A couple of them are Vikings, maybe it rubbed off on the others. It is weird that she would be so interested in destroying a country, which stealing the crown jewels wouldn’t do. Sure it would probably bankrupt the monarch, but the country could survive. Taxes would soar and the trickle-down effect would mean life would get much worse for the average peasant, though.
“Elsa is supposed to be the villain, right?”
But little did Captain Elsa Jane know, that Corona would be where everything changed.
Because she meets a boy!
“Why remain a strong,independent woman with clear goals when you can ignore your responsibilities to chase after boy-candy?”
That still sounds wrong.
Hey, look – there’s an Author’s Note!
“There’s a what?”
Alright, a Guest asked if Elsa was the lost princess. I shall give my answer now. No, she is not. You’ll all see how it all ties in in the next couple of chapters. They also asked if Hiccup would end up with Astrid or Merida. Most definitely Astrid. Also, if Jack and Elsa have their powers. No, no they do not. I hope this helped.
Okay! So thank you to all of you who reviewed, followed, and favorited! It means so much!
I will most likely be unable to update tomorrow, so I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
See you next time! c:
“what in God’s name am I looking at?”
It’s an Author’s Note; when the author decides to have a little chat with her audience they will add these to the fic.
“But she just revealed large portions of the plot!”
:Ghostie shrugs: Better now than never, I guess.
I’ve seen it happen. We could go through the entire fic and nothing could be revealed.
“I think I need a stronger drink.”
We’re off to raid the Adult Beverage Cabinet – see you next time, Patrons!