1124: The Great Rift – Chapter Two

Title: The Great Rift
Author: LimeyK
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Drama/Adventure
URL: The Great Rift: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hey guys, and welcome back to the Library! Who else is looking forward to sub-par formatting by a pretentious author?

No one?

Well too bad, you’re getting it anyway!

Let’s get going, shall we?

We start our next installment of this riff with this:

A hooded figure emitting small puffs of breath walked shrouded in the veil of winter’s darkness along the side of a snow-covered street late at night.

HOLY FUCK MY EYES!

*pulls on the purple prose glasses*

Holy shit, I forgot how purple this prose is! Jesus, my eyes bleed just looking at it!

Up in the sky above was a blanket of jewel-like stars twinkling tranquilly.

Well, at least this story hasn’t run out of ways to describe the night sky yet. Give it time, though…

Amid the silence, snow crunched softly beneath the boots as the only light emanated coldly from a streetlamp further down.

So we’re in the middle of a depressing winter night, huh? Well, I think we’re going to go ahead and just play the background music to that event:

What? It has all the same kind of description of a cold winter (technically autumn, but who’s counting?) night, you know!

Upon reaching a house with only a single light visible on the second floor, the figure turned and scampered up to the front door while leaping over an ice covered driveway.

Wait, what? So he managed to scamper up to the front door, but he also leapt over a driveway? Forgiving that leaping over a driveway typically requires you to be fucking Superman and all that shit, how the hell do you scamper and leap at the same time? I mean, I guess if you scampered and then leapt every once in a while, that could work, but…

Gah!

*headdesk*

Anyway, we then get a line break, and we go to:

The figure took of the hood to reveal a light face albeit slightly pink from the biting cold.

… The continuation of the previous scene.

*headdesk*

Again with the badly placed line breaks? You know, LimeyK, you’re allowed to not use line breaks when a character goes inside!

And anyway, a “light face”? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean that his face has fewer calories? Is it as light as a helium balloon? What, man? What?

And who the hell is this mystery guy, anyway?

This was Victor, a perhaps common jock type boasting bright blue eyes and a short, blonde, spiked up hairstyle to go with his sturdily formed build.

“Sturdily formed build”? Holy shit, dude, take the thesaurus away for a second, if you don’t mind! You do realize how awkward it is that you said “sturdily formed build” when “build” is mentioned in the Merriam-Webster definition of “sturdy”, right?

Sheesh, at this rate, you’ll turn poor Swenia into a hyena or some shit.

His personality was very energetic, outgoing, and almost steadfastly unyielding in the sense of competition meaning he could get into trouble over a simple challenge.

And of course, instead of creating a scene that would show this information by way of his interaction with another character, the narration just decides to tell us this character’s personality!

You know!

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 4

He was also called by some a huge Smash Bros. fanatic, probably due to his choice sweater bearing a large smash insignia on the front.

Honey, have you seen Smash tournaments? Most of those people don’t actually wear Smash clothing! Hell, I once took part in a tournament at Ohayocon where one of the competitors cosplayed as that one shirtless Earthbender dude from Legend of Korra!

Point being, you can’t tell that someone is a fanatic just from the clothing they wear! It would be just like if I got an Arnold Schoenberg shirt because of my love of the Second Viennese School!

*leans back, revealing his Arnold Schoenberg shirt*

Seriously, like, what even?

“Hey Andre, I’m back.” He set a pair of shopping bags on the foot bench,

I hope there weren’t any eggs in there. They’ll be borked from the Superman jump you performed in the driveway.

took off his snow-tracked boots,

—which somehow got snow tracks on them, even though they’re not made of snow and nobody stepped on them—

and shook off the stubborn cold that still clung to him.

So this is a universe in which cold ghosts exist? Good to know!

Light footsteps could then be heard descending down the wooden stairs as a light hazel eyed Andreas revealed himself wearing thick winter socks.

A light hazel-eyed Andreas? The hell is that supposed to mean?

Hang on.

*goes to Uncle Google*

Huh. The only search result is a list of names. So… um… I’m guessing Andreas is our next character here?

“It’s a cold one tonight, and they say it might snow more. I think I did see some distant clouds approaching.”

Well, that answers that question.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first paragraph all chapter that has more than one sentence in it. Seriously, what the hell is up with his formatting?

And also, what the hell does this have to do with anything Vic was saying? Vic comes in saying “hey, I’m back”, and he responds with “it’s gonna be cold tonight” without any segue whatsoever! In what universe does that kind of conversation even begin to make sense?

On quite the contrary to Victor, Andreas was a passive, more shy and quiet type.

And once again, instead of having these two strike up a conversation, the narration just decides to tell us what Andreas’ personality is!

You know!

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 5

His dirty blonde hair was much longer, perhaps perfectly fitting with his long and to an extent effeminate slimmer build, complete with slim fit clothing and capris pants.

*sound from the distance*

Holy shit, I can hear Swenia’s barking all the way from here! Gumdrop, go check on Swenia!

Where his strength lay however was in resistance to the cold; he just loved this season of the year and savored every day of it.

And he’s doing that… by hiding out indoors while sending Victor over here to get the groceries. Huh, that’s certainly an interesting way to appreciate the season!

Even during this type of winter weather, he’d still wear short sleeves and capris but nice thick socks to wear around the house were always comfortable on cold floors.

*frown*

Did the topic change midsentence? Like, it’s talking about his fashion choices in winter (which, by the way, how is he alive!?), and then for no reason it turns into an episode of Martha Stewart Living!

Or would that be Project Runway? Or Next Top Model? RuPaul’s… Drag… Race?

Despite their rather polar appearances, the two had been good friends for years since primary school.

And once again, ladies and gentlemen, this fic decides that, instead of showing them reminiscing about good times in high school, it’ll just tell us how long they’ve been friends.

You know!

*hits buzzer*

“Minimal” Exposition Count: 6

Victor was the one looking out for “his” Andreas and keeping him safe under his wing, so to speak, but could there be something more between them?

Andreas could be more comfortable and open with him than anyone else after all, that much was true.

Well, now! Far be it for me to comment, but don’t spoil the surprise, LimeyK!

Seriously, man, you literally just introduced these characters, to the point that both of these guys have only had one line of dialogue each! You’ve just introduced these guys, we don’t know anything about them (and no, I’m not counting the times you told us their personalities via narration, Mr. “Minimal Exposition”), and then you posed a question in there that basically confirms “yes, these two are gonna bone by the end of the fic”.

This fic has basically spoiled the trajectory of these characters’ relationship in their introductory scene!

*BAM*

This is beyond “film vs. paper” now. This is a violation of extremely basic storytelling principles that apply equally to celluloid and the printed page! You know, the one that says “if you have a relationship planned, you should never, ever spoil that they’ll get together in their introductory scene”? And don’t even pretend there’s uncertainty there: there’s a reason most people word the summaries for their romance fics in ways similar to what you just put in the body of your story!

*BAM* *BAM*

Jesus Christ, and I thought Subject 23 was bad about that shit…

“Awesome! So what snacks did you get, Vick?” He eagerly inquired while attempting to peer into the bags.

“Oh, I have the only snack you’ll ever need right here, Andreas. Just come closer and kneel in front of me so I can feed you…”

Victor hoisted them up high and smirked. “Follow me and you’ll find out.”

So you hoisted… the giant bag full of rat poison that you happened to get at the store? Um, why would you want to eat rat poison as a snack?

And wait a second…

*le gasp*

Oh shit, he smirked!

*runs out the door*

Ninjas, get the bolt tape! We have a Level 4 alert present! Go go go go go!

He raced past and rumbled up the stairs

*frown*

“Rumbled” up the stairs? What, are your stairs made of N64 Rumble Packs?

as Andreas staggered and then did likewise.

And how are you triggering the rumble feature while running up the stairs? Even if you could power those things, you’d be running up too quickly to send a constant electrical signal that would be required to make those things rumble!

“Hey, hey! I call dibs on the pro controller!” He eagerly called after his friend.

“Good because I already got the gamepad then!” Victor’s voice sounded from upstairs.

And with that, this scene ends, and we cut to:

The friends held their controllers firmly in hand as the TV screen displayed only darkness.

*frown*

What, your TV doesn’t have a way of telling you that you forgot to plug your Wii U’s HDMI cable into the TV? For shame!

On the coffee table in front of them was their now extensive collaborative collection of amiibo figures of various smashers in the game.

Oh, finally, something is described without that much purple! I think this calls for a celebration, no?

The only sound heard was the Wii U console gently humming its little working tune.

*raises eyebrows*

Since when were video game consoles able to hum the entire score of Street Scene?

The game room was only slightly lit from the window

Wait, what!?

*headdesk*

Um, LimeyK, have you been outside lately? You might notice there are no power outlets outdoors. You know why that is? ‘Cause there is no wiring outdoors.

So all that said: why the fuck is the room being lit from outside the window!?

*BAM*

Jesus Christ, what the actual fuck?

, and the air around them was still cold to a point where they could see their own breath emanating in soft clouds.

Aaaaand, you might want to call the mechanic now. If you’re able to see your breath while you’re indoors, you might have a problem with the heater, and you need to act now.

Perhaps though, this was a decision made on purpose not to use the heaters.

Or not. Huh.

Well, I guess you two idiots do like the idea of forking over thousands of dollars to fix widespread water damage! I suppose you’re expecting your welfare checks to pay for the plumbers that’ll need to go in and fix all the pipes you burst, huh?

Maybe it was something about being wrapped in a cold cocoon to add a sense of magic.

And suddenly, I have the vague feeling that LimeyK has never been in an indoor space in the middle of winter while the heater isn’t doing it’s job. Here’s a protip, LimeyK: it’s not magical, it’s terrifying. Also, highly inconvenient, considering that it’s likely harder to play video games while you’ve got gloves on to keep your hands warm.

“So your parents are gone until tomorrow evening?” Victor broke the silence.

“Yup, dad’s business stuff again.” Andreas concurred.

Oh, even better, you’re not paying the bills yourself! Well, have fun getting grounded for a year, Andreas!

And also, Victor asks a question, and you “concur” with him? You know, despite the fact that you answering his question means that there is no agreement to be made whatsoever since you’re informing one person of something that they don’t know about?

*BAM*

“Mom went with him to some convention out of town, so pretty much as long as the house is still here by then, it’s all ours.”

Well, you pretty much failed that objective, considering you’re keeping the heater turned off in the dead of winter.

Also…

*BAM*

LimeyK, I’m assuming that this is Andreas still talking. If this is so, why the fuck did you move that piece of dialogue to a new paragraph!?

*headdesk*

Holy Christ. I never thought I’d see an author who would break the paragraph while the one character is still talking, but holy shit, it’s happened.

It was finally Friday on a rather typical winter night in December by such Norwegian standards.

Wait, they have their heater off in Norway in December? How have their pipes not burst yet!?

*headdesk*

Jeez, I know I used to leave the heater off in Cleveland, but there the insulation was good enough that I didn’t have to worry about the pipes bursting! Here, with this situation? No! What the actual fuck is this!?

*headdesk*

Calling it now: LimeyK has never travelled above the Mason-Dixon Line.

Some clouds had now moved in and only small patches of stars still shimmered through.

Completing the night now were thick snowflakes beginning to glisten out the window as they gently descended through the illuminated zone of that single streetlamp outside.

You know, compared to the home owning fail that we’re witnessing right now, the tense shifts don’t seem so bad. But that said, they’re still pretty bag.

So here, patrons. Have some temporal sickness bags for that.

*hands them out*

If you find that those don’t help, simply see Ishi-sensei about that. You’d be surprised: the leech treatment actually works on temporal sickness.

Suddenly, the TV screen lit up and the Super Smash Bros. 4 U introduction theme split the silence.

Yes, the theme song split the silence! Just like how Moses parted the waters of the Red Sea! Or like how people are frequently bisected in ninja movies and shit!

The two friends glanced at each other with beaming faces of excitement.

“Aww yeah.” Victor swayed his head up and down while Andreas just smiled at him.

Um, Andreas, you might want to call whatever the number for emergency services is in Norway. He’s swaying his head like he’s drunk while he’s not even drunk. That can’t be a good sign!

The famous lineup of their cherished all-star Nintendo characters zoomed past the screen doing their epic thing as the two dug into some snacks.

Our “overly-visual style”, ladies and gentlemen! You know, the one with such beautifully described imagery as… um… the guys! Doing the epic things!

Marvel at it!

“Yes, you got some of my favorites!” Andreas whipped out his switchblade knife and cut off part of a green apple, handing the piece to Victor before cutting himself a piece.

*frown*

Wait, why does Andreas just randomly have a switchblade knife sitting around in his pocket? Patrons, correct me if Norway is a little more lax on carrying weapons than the US, but doesn’t it seem a little messed up that this guy is able to carry around a fucking switchblade while nobody bats an eye?

In a mouthful, they collectively thought back on their countless nights playing Smash Bros. and all other things Nintendo together over the years.

To them their childhoods were a wondrous, precious time indeed where they’d spend countless afternoons after school together and subsequently sleepovers at each other’s houses while playing their favorite games.

Now they were both nineteen coming up fast on twenty, in university while home for the winter break, so they were waving a sort of faithful farewell to their distant, younger former figures of themselves fading slowly away into the eternal churning mists of time.

First of all, fucking really? “Younger former figures of themselves fading slowly away into the eternal churning mists of time”? What the fuck is this? This is just… really? Why the hell are we getting that kind of poetic symbolism in this? Sheesh, at least Lord Asmodeus had the good sense to just do away with plot in general when he did that! You’re just sticking that sort of shit in there where it doesn’t belong!

And I guess this is where the philosophical stuff comes in, huh? Well, I got news for you, honey: you’re not being deep. Trust me, you’re being pretentious.

How do I know this? Well, because you’re being monumentally full of shit, and perpetuating the stereotype of “oh, video games are only meant for the children”! Bitch, I’m twenty-five, and still an avid video gamer. And guess what? I play Smash, too! In fact, I’ve been playing other games that may be considered childish. Like Chroma Squad, which is essentially a Power Rangers simulator. Or what about Little Big Planet? Mod Nation Racers?

So for you to be like “we’re now saying goodbye to our childhoods” is insulting, demeaning, and so completely misses the mark of what defines a mature person it isn’t even funny. Just because you play video games doesn’t make you any less of an adult, and you are an idiot if you think otherwise. I’d have bought the philosophical merit of that little aside if it were right, but as it stands, it’s fucking wrong!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

On top of that, it comes right the fuck out of nowhere! I mean, really. This part so far has been about “character x goes to character y and they talk about things”, and it’s just been nothing but establishing plot and introducing characters doing things! And then we get this super-philosophical prose coming in to blindside us! Sheesh, at least most other pretentious authors that have been snarked here had the decency to keep the philosophical pretension a constant presence! You can’t even do that!

*BAM*

Our “visually demanding” story with “deep philosophical undertones”, ladies and gentlemen!

*BAM*

Good Jesus, and I thought Ulrich-Stu was a pretentious bitch.

Anyway, we get a line break, and then we finally break away from these two dumbasses:

Pit seemed frozen over the altar, staring down into the silky mirage of live feed from Midair Stadium where the bright sunlit flags and banners flew in the day’s breeze.

*hears a faintly distinct barking*

Dangit, Taco, can’t you come up with something to help Swenia get that under control? I swear, that can’t be good for her health!

The light emitting from the altar brought a tranquil ambiance to the otherwise dark stone hall he stood in.

So I’m guessing that this scene is set on Bald Mountain, then? Huh.

You know, suddenly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see this guy in quite the same way.

The altar’s sound was that of a distant echo, bouncing about and resonating all around the hall.

*frown*

Wait, the altar was projecting sound?

Oh, right, I forgot that Kid Icarus has its own THX sound system built into some of the locations:

“Remember, that could be you down there too.” A soft voice rose from behind him.

Pit turned around to see Lady Palutena approaching ever so elegantly.

“Some other mortal took your place this time, and that’s one less representative from Skyworld who can set foot in the arena.”

Pit seemed somewhat agitated by her sudden presence.

Pit? Agitated by Palutena? Hm… Well, Palutena did try to attack Pit once, but he knew she was possessed by a Chaos Kin, and anyway he did everything he could to break her out of it, so he should know that she’s snapped out of it by now, right?

He lowered his head. “Lady Palutena, I wanted to observe this time only.”

She walked up beside the angel and also peered into the altar before looking at him.

“Curious though, why you still didn’t want to at least attend. Is it because you were defeated last time?” She calmly asked.

*frown*

Wait, what?

As if the right mark was struck, Pit developed a sour expression and marginally turned his head away.

Palutena understood his guilt though and said reassuringly, “Remember there is no shame in being defeated in these tournaments, Pit. To retain a record such as yours anyway is beyond many who dream.”

Wait, this is Pit? Moping?

Um… are we sure this is the Pit from Kid Icarus? You know, this Pit:

‘Cause I’m pretty sure that even in the darker moments of Kid Icarus: Uprising, he was still cheerful and determined and wasn’t one to mope.

The angel slowly nodded after thinking deeply on it. “Yes, it was a good fight, and Link was just better than me.”

*checks cast list*

Huh. It says here that the role of Pit is to be played by Cloud Strife.

Well, I guess that does explain a lot.

Palutena continued to eye him as he went back to watching the altar, trying to ignore her persisting presence.

She turned and began to walk away before stopping once more, thinking for a few moments.

“Pit, my teachings to you held this back with reason, but defeat is a part of life for any being. Rise above the regret you hold and consider the larger picture.”

“Like how we’re both stuck in a shitty fanfiction written by a man who thinks that fanfics can be written like films. And on that note, you think you can help me find a way for us to get out of this mess?”

The angel’s wings flicked as he said nothing in response.

Palutena gave an unsure smile back as she turned and exited.

Once silence was upon the room again, Pit rested his hands on the sides of the altar.

He began to shake his head before turning and walking away.

*points at the exit sign*

Keep going, Pit, the way out of this fic is right there! Come on, it’s right here!

His wings fluttered slightly as he still heard the sound from the altar.

Something made him stop. “No, Lady Palutena is right. I must try and leave my regret behind.”

Dammit, Pit, you were so close to escaping this piece of shit!

*headdesk*

Oh well, I guess that means we’ll see Pit engage in all this OOC moping, then. Hooray!

*waves flag while glaring at audience*

Anyway, after that, we get a line break, and the scene changes to this:

A chorus of horns sounded as the official smash banner was slowly lowered onto the fighting platform and laid out like a huge mat.

Um… why? Banners are supposed to hang from between two walls, not be laid on the ground! What the hell are you planning on doing to that poor banner, tearing it apart?

Then the announcer’s voice thundered around the stadium.

“Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, young and old from all corners of the galaxy! The fiftieth quadrennial smash tournament at our Midair Stadium is about to commence!”

*frown*

Quadrennial? Huh, so they schedule this thing like the Olympics, then? Okay, I guess that is one way to do it…

Inside the training room Mario, Kirby, as well as all the other fighters turned and gazed out the entrance to the platform as a wall of roaring excitement seemed to swell the opening slightly wider.

*cringe*

Taco, I think we need your physics expertise again. I know sound waves aren’t your specialty, but…

“It is by the pleasure of having the so many nations and worlds together in attendance here for this next week of smashing celebration and games that the opening ceremony be presented! Please direct your attention to the central platform as all the first round combatants reveal themselves in order by bracket, along with honoring their homelands from where they hail!”

Huh. I guess the roll of the announcer will be played by that second-rate announcer that got fired from ESPN for having the blandest commentary known to man.

Mario took a deep breath and began walking toward the entrance opening while Kirby seemed transfixed at large paintings of former smash champions lining the training room wall.

Okay, and he looked at those paintings because…?

He snapped out of it and scuttled along the floor to catch up with Mario.

So he looked at them for no reason. Don’t you guys just love pointless asides like that!

Several Koopas and Shy Guys proceeded to wheel in a large cart lined with at least one hundred trophy models of each and every fighter participating.

So if we count them all, that means we’ve got a shit ton of trophies just running around and shit. Okay, so who are the trophies for? ‘Cause I doubt you’re gonna hand them out to the participants of this tournament, since that would be the ultimate vanity prize to get their own trophies and shit. Is it a limited sweepstakes for the audience? ‘Cause if so, what the hell are they doing down there?

Mario and Kirby took their own and proceeded to pair up at the entryway while the others in proper order did likewise.

*frown*

And the point of that is…? Because you do realize that there are still 99 trophies per fighter left sitting there, right? So what the hell are the remaining trophies for? Souvenirs?

Back down the row of pairs, a shaky legged Luigi and contrasting upright Link stood next to each other.

Link gave him a hardy pat on the shoulder before offering a thumb up gesture and a confident smile to accompany it.

The green clad plumber uneasily smiled back and shuffled his feet in place.

*headdesk*

And once again, that could’ve been lumped into a single paragraph, LimeyK. Seriouly, what the hell?

Standing tall behind him was Captain Falcon with a fitting muscular counterpart.

And that “fitting muscular counterpart” would be… who, exactly?

Further down the line were Marth, Ike, Roy, and Lucina each paired with other fighters.

And those other fighters are…?

Little Mac confidently nudged his brawler belligerent on the arm and cocked his head.

And this brawler is…?

No, seriously! Who are half of these people paired with? You’re doing yourself no favors by just saying “and then Captain Falcon was paired with an equally muscled dude” and leave it at that! You can’t just go in there and assume we know what you’re talking about!

Our “intensely visual” style, ladies and gentlemen!

“This is gonna be awesome, right man?”

What “right man” should say: “no, it’s not, and you need to get the hell out of here right now!”

What he actually says:

The brawler shrugged, “Even if I lose, the point is this is my first time here.”

Oh, so you’re a newbie here too, huh? Gee, I do wonder if I can learn more about this character!

Nothing, LimeyK?

*headdesk*

Our fic with “intense characterization”, ladies and gentlemen!

“Nah, don’t talk like that.” The young boxer smiled. “It’s my first time too… but it’ll be a real smash, just us two out there!”

The two proceeded to bump fists and share a quick laugh.

And this brawler was never heard from again.

Red meanwhile held his three selected poke-balls tight while his partner flexed muscles.

So Red was paired with Captain Falcon, then? Gee, why the fuck didn’t you just say that, LimeyK?

Behind him were a per usual joyful looking Jiggly Puff, impetuous Charizard, and determined Greninja with their paired opponents.

*record scratch*

Wait a second!

LimeyK, you are aware that Charizard was one of the three Pokémon that Pokémon Trainer alternated between in Brawl, right? And yet Charizard is showing up as his own separate fighter here.

So literally, Charizard has just gotten away with being entered twice!

*BAM*

Seriously, do you not know anything about the history of the series you’re writing in? What the actual fuck!?

And also, where’s Pikachu?

Donkey Kong stared eagerly at his rather small and unsettled matchup while Diddy was monkeying around with his creature counterpart.

And these two are standing next to… who, exactly?

Further back in the line still, the pair of Pikachu and Yoshi exchanged determined yet playful smiles with each other as they too stood ever eager.

Oh there’s Pikachu! Why isn’t he parading around with the rest of the Pokémon? And oh hey, it’s finally another pairing where we’re told who the other half of the pairing is! Thank Christ for that!

All that remained was to emerge basked in the day’s light while rapt in adoration.

*louder bark*

You think you can give Swenia a bone, LimeyK? It’s the least you owe her for making her bark at all your awkward prose! I mean, seriously! This is some of the most awkward prose I’ve seen in a while, and I’ve been reading that Legend of Dragoon fic Taco’s been snarking!

Anyway, after that, we get a line break, and we cut to…

Fox slid back comfortably into his chair at the main controls of the Great Fox.

Oh hey, it’s Fox McCloud. And apparently, he’s not with everyone else. Huh.

I do wonder where this is going.

He tapped on one of the armrest’s sensor points and a large screen above proceeded to unfold downward.

After a few seconds the screen lit up with live coverage of the Midair Stadium along with a group of news reporter creatures discussing various things like fighter stats.

Oh. Huh, so Fox is apparently skipping this tournament too. So either someone attacked the Lylat System again, or he’s going to start moping like how Pit did.

Oh goddammit, Jason-Stu attacked, didn’t he?

“Hey guys, I think it’s about to start!” Fox lit up and called back.

His fellow wingman Falco and mechanic Slippy glanced up with excitement from working on ROB 64.

So they were excited from working on ROB? Then why the hell did they turn away from ROB? You’d think that if maintenance on ROB had been so goddamn captivating, they wouldn’t turn their attention away from him! You do know how being excited about something to the point where you turn to it immediately works, right?

“Just hang on a moment.” Slippy turned back and concentrated on re-attaching a circuit board onto the robot’s side panel.

Thank you, Slippy.

One of the camera views on the screen zoomed into the training room doorway to reveal the darkened first few rows of combatants, namely Mario and Kirby waiting patiently in the shade.

“Ah, perfect timing!”

“Mario and Kirby are up first again?” Falco inquired as he lay his welding shade down on a table while walking over.

What Fox should say: “Well of course! We’ve got to fulfill the plot regurgitation somehow, right?”

What he actually says:

The vulpine nodded, “Seems to be the new tradition now, if that even makes sense. I think it’s because they’re similar rounded in power and fighting styles.”

Because the fat plumber who can only do a double-jump, is not so easily launched, and has one particular moveset is totally rounded in power and fighting style with the pink puffball who can flap up to five times to recover, can be launched away from the arena at relatively low percentages, and has a totally different move set from Mario!

*BAM*

Falco came up behind Fox and gently laid his wings on his shoulders while his head rested on Fox’s, whose ears flattened in response as his wingman smiled above.

Excuse me.

*runs out, runs back in with popcorn, smiles*

Proceed.

“Me, I’m pretty sure it’s because everyone just loves the plumber and the blob. We’ll show ’em though! Ready for our match ups, Foxy?”

*pauses mid-chew*

Wait, what?

Fox playfully shook Falco off and glanced up again at the screen.

“As ready as I’ll ever be, but you’d better not let them hear you bashing; Kirby’s a star warrior and Mario’s saved the kingdom countless times so their reps are well earned… same with ours. We don’t however start until the eleventh bracket so technically for us there’s no real hurry.

LimeyK, are you not aware of how tournaments work?  In most fighting tournaments, they usually handle at least some of the early brackets in multiple matches throughout the day. Now, granted, this tournament is being stretched out over a week, so perhaps they don’t need to do that.

But if there is an opening ceremony? Yeah, the participants would have to be there! And guess what? I’ve also been in a tournament before where I was absent when my bracket started. You know what they did? They cut me out of the tournament, because of lack of attendance. And that, my friend, is a general trend that happens. You don’t show up to your bracket, the other guy wins by default.

So with that said, tell me: why the fuck are Fox and Falco permitted to arrive late to this tournament!?

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Hello! LimeyK! Get with the program here!

He then solemnly reminded as a final say, ” Remember though… this time we both represent Corneria alone, and all of Lylat for that matter. It’s all for the honor.”

“Not that you should have any problem with this since we did it in Melee and since I was Corneria’s lone representative in the original Smash Brothers, but fuck it: we need something to talk about, right?”

*louder barking*

Also, holy shit, there she goes again. Goddammit, LimeyK, I’m expecting you to pay for her bone this time!

Falco nodded somewhat regretfully in agreement, “Yeah, it’s a shame Pepper couldn’t make it to watch us. Then again though, the years might finally be catching up to the old geezer.”

Oh hey, it’s Falco being brash and cocky! Finally, a character who is being focused on who isn’t horribly OOC.

*offstage trombone*

Okay, fine, Luigi’s a borderline case.

He then looked back at Slippy, who hadn’t moved from ROB 64.

He cleared his throat, “Hey Slippy, give it a rest already. Come and watch the opening ceremony! If you keep working too hard, ROB won’t be the only one with a blown fuse!”

Holy shit, a paragraph with more than two sentences!

Slippy sighed, flipped up his welding shade, and turned to meet Falco’s eyes with a sarcastic stare. “Your sense of humor has a way of causing us all trouble.”

And you ruined it by pulling Slippy out of character. Thanks, LimeyK!

Falco just smiled as Slippy continued, “I don’t know about you guys, but I’d like to have the Great Fox’s manual controller back online instead of having to talk to that lifeless com. Plus it’s not a fuse that the memory FREEZE was caused by, Einstein.”

Seriously, when did Slippy turn from the overly cheerful child of the group into a cynical snarker who snaps at his teammates? Isn’t that Falco’s department?

Fox smirked and shook his head while Falco winced, giggling in amusement.

Agh, crap!

*runs out the door*

Ninjas, we need more! What we have now isn’t gonna be enough!

“At least ROB has a decent sense of humor!” He was about to bring out a second comeback when Peppy entered the bridge.

Oh hi Peppy. Can you please put a stop to this insipidness?

“Alright knock it off, the both of you.” He grumpily gawked

So he’s berating them, but he’s also gawking at them? But how do you berate someone when your jaw has hit the floor from sheer stupidity?

*headdesk*

as he hobbled up and took a seat in the chair beside Fox. “We almost went the whole way without any of this usual nonsense.”

At least this time, you actually showed us what that “nonsense” was, instead of relaying it through the narrative so it could tell us what to think!

Falco crossed his wings and sneered toward Slippy, who made a raspberry face back.

“It’s bad enough for the Lylat System’s image that we’re missing the opening ceremony, of all things, due to concerns with the General’s health.” The hare continued. “As if the timing for all this could be any worse.”

Trust me, Peppy, I don’t think any of us expected you’d be trapped inside a crappy fanfic!

Peppy then tapped a button on the large control board in front of him.

“Great Fox, time remaining to destination Midair Stadium?”

A second or two of silence passed before the ship replied, “ETA to destination: two hours.”

Oh, they’re only going to show up two hours late, then? Well thank Christ for that!

A burst of cheering sounded from the screen above as the camera began following Mario, Kirby, and the others emerging into the sunlit stadium.

They all raised their hands and waved faithfully around to the crowds.

“Gather around everybody!” Fox reached over into a convenient cooling compartment and grabbed a small snack.

Taking a bite, he nodded with satisfaction. “Here we go.”

Well, thank God that’s the end of the chapter, folks!

*le sigh*

Dammit, this is gonna be a long one, isn’t it?

*plops into seat*

Ah, well. Well, guys, I’ve been Herr Wozzeck. Stay tuned when we move on to the next chapter of this train wreck next week!

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99 Comments on “1124: The Great Rift – Chapter Two”

  1. magisking says:

    And there goes more brain cells. Seriously, why is PITT of all people moping?

  2. GhostCat says:

    So this is a universe in which cold ghosts exist? Good to know!

    I resent that! I’m only cold from October to February.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Oh, I have the only snack you’ll ever need right here, Andreas. Just come closer and kneel in front of me so I can feed you…”

    Too soon after jasmine cumslut, man. Way too soon.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    The game room was only slightly lit from the window

    Wait, what!?

    *headdesk*

    Um, LimeyK, have you been outside lately? You might notice there are no power outlets outdoors. You know why that is? ‘Cause there is no wiring outdoors.

    So all that said: why the fuck is the room being lit from outside the window!?

    Well, in an urban area with a thick coat of snow on the ground and an overcast sky, at night reflected light from outside can be much brighter than an indoor area with the lights off.

    I am disappointed- this happens all the time in Cleveland, where I thought you had spent a substantial amount of time.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I don’t know what part of Cleveland you’ve been to where that’s true, but that never happened to me when I was there, even when it got super snowy…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well, I did live right next to a big commercial area. Maybe in Coventry or someplace it’s darker.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          East Cleveland is darker than DownTown. You actually see that more in Boston.

          But even then, snow reflection never got bright enough to light up a room even “slightly”. ‘Cause the way it’s phrased, it’s implying that we’re talking “lit like a candle” here.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        It certainly was never that bright, your eyes had to adjust before you could actually see anything.

  5. GhostCat says:

    Ninjas, get the bolt tape! We have a Level 4 alert present! Go go go go go!

    :whispering:

    You’re going to do what with a three-headed butler?!? When did we get one of those?

    :more whispering:

    Oh, the three-headed sheep. Sorry, I get “butler” and “sheep” confused sometimes.

  6. The Crowbar says:

    Holy shit, I can hear Swenia’s barking all the way from here!

    Swenia…

    Barks?

    Huh.

  7. The Crowbar says:

    So everyone are OOC, the formatting is utter shit piled up on bullshit, there is purple of the likes I haven’t seen in over a year, and there is Ulrich-level pretentiousness.

    Sweet Filly Celestia, this is painful…

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Pretty much. Which is about the same as it was last week.

      Though, I don’t think it was Ulrich-level pretentiousness. At least he’s not giving completely asinine reasoning for “all humans are shit and aren’t at all like animals”.

  8. leobracer says:

    Hey Herr, can I write my own riff of ‘Parallel Realities’ on the Spacebattles Forum?

  9. agigabyte says:

    Cain: Wow. This is the most extravagantly deep Lavender prose that has ever been witnessed by the unsuspecting members of the Archon bridge crew.

  10. "Lyle" says:

    Andreas revealed himself wearing thick winter socks

    And what an underwhelming reveal it was, too. He should have at least used some jazz hands.

  11. "Lyle" says:

    Falco came up behind Fox and gently laid his wings on his shoulders while his head rested on Fox’s, whose ears flattened in response as his wingman smiled above.

    Excuse me.

    *runs out, runs back in with popcorn, smiles*

    Swenia will be as disappointed as you that this scene went nowhere fast.

  12. neji7hyuga says:

    A Super Smash Bros. Fanfic…

    That sounds considerably harder to pull off than an Naruto, Halo, or Mass Effect fanfic since it’s got so much one has to take into account and suchlike. Meaning a higher difficulty level.

    With Naruto, there’s a lot one can do. And a lot of writing prompt ideas if one looks everywhere.

    Same as in Halo. The games themselves may not appear to have much, but the Expanded Universe and the Halo wiki can give you a lot of writing prompts, such as the unseen battles of the Human-Covenant war, the Forerunner-Flood war, and more.

    And Mass Effect also, if one is willing to look, can offer tons of writing prompts.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Yeah, Smash Brothers is itself technically a “we’re doing this ’cause we can” crossover.

      And believe me, I’ve written some real shit in the Smash Brothers section. Just look at some of my old shames and you’ll see what I mean very quickly.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Sounds like it. I do have a question, not sure if I asked before though, is a “We’re doing this ’cause we can” crossover inherently bad? Or can it be pulled off by a skilled enough writer and exist as a humor and/or parody story? If it’s the skilled enough writer thing, would explain the rarity of good fics of that type.

        And could a Super Smash Bros crossover really be pulled off successfully? I took a look in the Super Smash Bros section of the Fanfiction.net website and saw it said 10.8 K (assuming that K means thousand). Which means there’s got to be good ones within. If it were impossible, there wouldn’t be that many anyways. Or people are that determined to pull one off successfully.

        Guess that shows that there are those that don’t give up even in the face of daunting challenges, and that’s a good trait to have. Since in Fanfiction.net, trying to pull off something difficult or something that usually ends up being bad will likely earn you reviewers claiming it can’t be done. Though it would likely be a very satisfying feeling to prove them wrong.

        And I’ll take a look at those fics one day, I imagine if they are your old shames, they must be bad.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, the thing about Super Smash Brothers is that, with the sole exception of the Subspace Emissary mode in Brawl, there really isn’t any story that brings all those canons together. It’s essentially a bunch of Nintendo fighters coming together and beating each other up, basically because it’s fun for the players. Unlike most crossovers in the gaming world (like, say, Heroes of the Storm or Kingdom Hearts), Smash doesn’t go for an overaching plot in most of the installments.

          That kind of makes it hard to do a good Smash Brothers fanfic. So often, what you’ll see in Smash fanfiction is either a bunch of shipping fanfiction, or soap opera-like antics that go on between matches.

          Though, I should note, too, that the longest fanfic ever written is actually a Super Smash Brothers fanfic. It clocks in at over four million words at the present moment. (For reference, it’s currently over three times as long as In Search of Lost Time, which is the book that holds the Guinness World Record for longest novel at a little over 1.2 million words.) So hey, you never know.

        • neji7hyuga says:

          That’s true, played all of them. Only Brawl had a real story.

          I can imagine so. And that’s not too surprising.

          Four million words?! That’s…*is speechless*. And that’s true, one will never know.

        • GhostCat says:

          The lack of a cohesive narrative in the source materials is a hard thing to overcome, the author has to essentially create something out of nothing. It could be done, but would require so much world-building that it would be simpler to just create an original work. We’ve actually featured a few fics from open-world games, notably Guitar Hero and Sims, and they were just as plotless and rambling.

        • neji7hyuga says:

          You do have a point. It’d be extremely difficult and require the skills of an expert.

          In fact, it’d be easier to world build from one canon instead of multiple. Take for example, the Naruto Pilot, which is a prototype version of Naruto before the actual series. There’s so little that world building from that is hard enough, but fun. If one canon is hard enough but fun, imagine how hard multiple canons would be…

      • "Lyle" says:

        I’d like to think that a skilled writer could pull off writing stories for some of the more difficult fandoms but I’ve not seen it in practice.

  13. infinity421 says:

    The pretentiousness! Noo, it’s too much!

    The thing that annoys me most about this is that purple prose can be done well – very well, in fact. Lovecraft used it to great effect in many of his stories, and from what I’ve seen of the Wheel of Time series, Robert Jordan also had a knack for it.

    This guy, though? This guy, who thinks he can write a story like he would a movie, with an ‘intensely visual’ style or however he phrased it? No. Purple prose crossed with pretentiousness never ends well.

  14. Margolias says:

    Victor was the one looking out for “his” Andreas and keeping him safe under his wing, so to speak, but could there be something more between them?

    Andreas could be more comfortable and open with him than anyone else after all, that much was true.

    Huh. Two gay male OCs. That’s rare.

    • Margolias says:

      frickle frackle.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      That is very rare indeed. I’d give LimeyK props for going in that direction, but honestly, after he basically spoiled their relationship’s arc in their introductory scene I’m not so generous.

  15. Margolias says:

    His dirty blonde hair was much longer, perhaps perfectly fitting with his long and to an extent effeminate slimmer build, complete with slim fit clothing and capris pants.

    So he’s pretty much the stereotypical twink/uke, then.

  16. Margolias says:

    >“Oh, I have the only snack you’ll ever need right here, Andreas. Just come closer and kneel in front of me so I can feed you…”

    Please don’t turn this into a porno.

  17. Margolias says:

    “Rumbled” up the stairs? What, are your stairs made of N64 Rumble Packs?

    Well, it IS a Smash Bros fic.

  18. Margolias says:

    On the coffee table in front of them was their now extensive collaborative collection of amiibo figures of various smashers in the game.

    HA! You have Amiibos? Everyone knows that they’re impossible to collect. Fuckin’ stus…

  19. Margolias says:

    Maybe it was something about being wrapped in a cold cocoon to add a sense of magic.

    I’m sorry, were they taking some sort of drug offscreen? Who in their right mind leaves the heating off in the middle of WINTER?!

  20. Margolias says:

    LimeyK, I’m assuming that this is Andreas still talking. If this is so, why the fuck did you move that piece of dialogue to a new paragraph!?

    Ya know, for someone so pretentious, LimeyK seems to forget a lot of the rules of writing a story.

  21. Margolias says:

    “Yes, you got some of my favorites!” Andreas whipped out his switchblade knife and cut off part of a green apple, handing the piece to Victor before cutting himself a piece.

    Oh lord, he’s FEEDING him now? What’s next, is he gonna dip his fingers in chocolate sauce and have Andreas suck them clean?

  22. Margolias says:

    “Wave goodbye to their childhoods”. What? I’m 21, and I still play videogames. Pokemon takes up most of my free time, along with other games. Fuck this, I’ll do nerdy stuff all I want. Hell, I just bought a replica of the fucking Ocarina of Time just so I could learn how to play it! NO.

    • GhostCat says:

      :waves:

      I’m thirty-five and enjoy a wide variety of nerdy pastimes. I regularly wear a replica TIme Turner, I painted all the doors in my house TARDIS blue, and have not one but two sets of Batman sheets. If for any reason I stop being nerdy, it’s probably because I’m dead.

      • "Lyle" says:

        I’m 31 and wore a Harry Potter / Link Mashup shirt in my engagement photos. My fiancé wore Ninja Turtles. He also bought me a PS3 for Valentine’s Day. He’s such a keeper.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      And I’m 25. Also, I’m pretty sure Taco still manages to play video games, and he’s married with children, so…

      • "Lyle" says:

        He’s a couple years older than me.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m thirty… something. Uhh… three maybe four? Age kinda stopped mattering to me after 25, honestly.

        One of my friends is 45. He plays video games too. Also, he’s part of our P&P group. You know P&P: those games of make-believe where you get to slay imaginary dragons with your pretend wizard.

        Truth be told, I used to worry as a kid that somehow I’d grow out of gaming. I was pretty dumb back then.

  23. Margolias says:

    “Remember, that could be you down there too.” A soft voice rose from behind him.

    Pit turned around to see Lady Palutena approaching ever so elegantly.

    “Some other mortal took your place this time, and that’s one less representative from Skyworld who can set foot in the arena.”

    Pit seemed somewhat agitated by her sudden presence.

    I’m sorry, but where’s the trollish goddess and overly upbeat angel we know and love? Cause they aren’t here, that’s for sure.

  24. Margolias says:

    A chorus of horns sounded as the official smash banner was slowly lowered onto the fighting platform and laid out like a huge mat.

    Okay, is EVERYBODY smoking something in this fanfic?

  25. Margolias says:

    Falco came up behind Fox and gently laid his wings on his shoulders while his head rested on Fox’s, whose ears flattened in response as his wingman smiled above.

    Wait, doesn’t Fox have a girlfriend?

  26. Margolias says:

    Did anything actually happen in this chapter?

  27. TacoMagic says:

    Light footsteps could then be heard

    Cerbersheep!

    BAAAA?

    I need you to make sure to bring up the addition of the double auxiliary verb and sensory verb combo to the gongable offense list at the next minion meeting. It’s getting out of hand and starting to make me twitchy.

    BAAAA!

    Awesome, thanks.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Cerbersheep?

      Also, may I ask about something completely unrelated to the Library?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Cerbersheep showed up a few weeks ago, he’s my new helper.

        Sure, ask away.

      • The Crowbar says:

        You’re a fan of Dark Souls, right?

        Do you remember the sword Zweihander?

      • TacoMagic says:

        I do remember the sword, yes. It’s based on the German Bidenhänder, which was used by Landsknecht in the 16th century.

        It’s not really accurately depicted in the game so far as use, but I’m relatively lenient on games misusing weapons because it isn’t really core to their purpose (That of providing a game which is fun to play).

      • The Crowbar says:

        It’s my favorite sword in Dark Souls, and I just found out that it’s actually a thing.

        It was one hell of a “holy shit” moment for me.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yup, it’s just not really accurately depicted in Dark Souls (the Bidenhänder would be more of a defensive weapon or used as a polearm, and not really used as a sword the way you stereotypically think of them). As such, it would employ lots of overhead swings when attacking, but in DS there are far more attacks that utilize long-sword style slashes. Even worse, the DS Zweihander uses thrusts, which you would NEVER do with a 2-handed sword because of how off-balance that would put you.

        That said, the way it’s carried on the shoulder is actually correct for 2-handers, so I’ll give them full credit for that.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Yea’h, apparently it was used half the time as a pike against the cavalry.

        Oh well. The fantasy was nice while it lasted. I always knew it was a little weird to be swinging a giant sword like a madman.

        Worked nicely against most of the giant monsters, though!

  28. TacoMagic says:

    Victor hoisted them up high and smirked. “Follow me and you’ll find out.”

    *Cerbersheep trots through the lounge with a slightly bloody roll of bolt-tape in his left mouth.*

    BAAAAAA.

    *Cerbersheep drops the roll of bolt-tape at Taco’s feet and wags his stubby tail*

    We need to work on your interpersonal skills.

    BAAA?

  29. TacoMagic says:

    “So your parents are gone until tomorrow evening?” Victor broke the silence.

    “Yup, dad’s business stuff again.” Andreas concurred.

    “Mom went with him to some convention out of town, so pretty much as long as the house is still here by then, it’s all ours.”

    *Porno music echoes loudly through the halls of the Library*

    Dammit, Swenia!

    • TacoMagic says:

      Falco came up behind Fox and gently laid his wings on his shoulders while his head rested on Fox’s, whose ears flattened in response as his wingman smiled above.

      *Porno music intensifies*

      Don’t get your hopes up, girl, you’ve been burned by the promise of slash before!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      XD

      Keep reading, Swenia…

  30. TacoMagic says:

    Wait, why does Andreas just randomly have a switchblade knife sitting around in his pocket? Patrons, correct me if Norway is a little more lax on carrying weapons than the US, but doesn’t it seem a little messed up that this guy is able to carry around a fucking switchblade while nobody bats an eye?

    Switchblades are completely illegal in Norway. Completely. You can’t buy them, you can’t sell them, you can’t own them. So… yeah.

  31. TacoMagic says:

    Huh. It says here that the role of Pit is to be played by Cloud Strife.

    We’re gonna need some ice over here for that BURN!

  32. TacoMagic says:

    Inside the training room Mario, Kirby, as well as all the other fighters turned and gazed out the entrance to the platform as a wall of roaring excitement seemed to swell the opening slightly wider.

    I… don’t even know what to do with that, honestly. Mostly because of that “seemed” bit. Does that mean they just had some kind of mental reaction to the sound that effected a kind of tunnel vision where the opening came into sharp focus or what? It’s such a subjective and vague term that it makes deconstruction impossible. At best it’s just inept symbolism that doesn’t actually mean anything physical, so trying to bring physics to bear on it is like trying to glue an eel to a leech by using a jellyfish.

    Physically, you can destroy stuff with sound so I guess it could be made literally wider by shattering whatever the opening happens to be made out of, but that would require a lot of sound and probably be fatal to Mario & Co.

    • Ishi says:

      it is like trying to glue an eel to a leech by using a jellyfish.

      Hmmm…

      -dials cell phone-

      Yes, is that Crazy Neptune’s Salt Water Fishery? One wishes to place an order.


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