1119: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Nine

Title: Teen Fortress 2
Author:  MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video Game
Topic: Team Fortress
Genre: Drama / Family
URL: Chapter Nine
Critiqued by agigabyte’s Riffleet crew

Cain: Welcome back! Dakota and I are here for another chapter of Teen Fortress 2.

Dakota: Yep. *sigh* It’s just so bad.

Cain: *Pats Dakota on the back* Don’t worry, we only have two more chapters to go. We can do this!


Not a Verb Counter: 150

Cain: What?! “A good chap”?! Learn to use that word properly!

Dakota: I think “chap” is a substitute for “chapter”.

Cain: What?! No! You don’t fucking do that! You don’t use a word that already exists and has its own meaning as an abbreviated form of a separate word!


Not a Verb Counter: 152

Cain: What do you mean you put gas in there?



Dakota: Wait, you don’t think she means-

Cain: *Hands over a plasma pistol* Zombies.

Doodloodloo Doodloodloo Doodloodloo

PettyOfficer!Cain: There are too many! We have to fall back!

Unnamed CO: No! We have to hold the line!

Random Ensign: Look out! Anoth- *Screams in agony*

Unnamed CO: *Gets killed*

PettyOfficer!Cain: Commander! *Takes out three more Zombies*

PettyOfficer!agig: They’ve got it working! Fall back!

*They fall back into a building*

Engineer Person: Ve’ve got the Retcannon working, vut it needs a specific DNA signature. You both have it! Activate the Retcannon and wipe those Zombies off the face of the uni- *Screams in agony*

agig: Turn it on! I’ll hold them off! *Takes out three Zombies*

Cain: Come on, come on! *The Retcannon begins a neural link* Got it! *Cain uses the Retcannon to wipe the Zombies out of existence* We did it!

Doodloodloo Doodloodloo Doodloodlo

Cain: On second thought, just blow them up from orbit.

Sniper an me was walkin to school wen I saw somethin bad! Gabe Jonson was cryin an Ratman gaved him tishyous an the otter Teen Fortress 2 was there to. “Whats the down lo?” I asked to Gabe an blue the tishyou then said “Bad Teen Fortress 2 mad an evil clone of Marrissa called… ASSIRRAM an she put a comuter virus in Caroline to turns her full into GLaDOS!” Gabe cryed some ore an we all got sad at that.

Not a Verb Counter: 157

Dakota: Assirram? Assirram?! Fucking Assirram?!

Cain: So Principal Business Man tries to cheer everyone up and fails spectac-

suddenly… ASSIRRAM!

Dakota: Holymotherfuckingshitballs!

Cain: *Slaps Dakota* No!

Dakota: Sorry, sir. It’s just… that interruption. It was so bad.

She had a guns an pointed it at Gabe Jonsons head.

Cain: Make up your mind! Either a gun or multiple guns!

“Build me a time mashine or Ill shoot!” She was to close an we coldant safe Gabe in time so Ingineer “OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!” He texased.

Not a Verb Counter: 158

We all heped Ingineer build the time mashine fast. I looked back an saw Assirram wif the gun at Gabes head so I worked more fast a gain.

Not a Verb Counter: 159

Dakota:  Wait, wasn’t Engineer the only one who took the *snerk* “tim masheen clsas”?

Minuets later the mashine was done an Assirram went in. “Marrissa will stop you you cant win!”

Cain: The time machine took multiple ballroom dances to complete? Didn’t it take almost no time at all in the original?

Butt Assrram just lolled all evil an BOOM FLASH SPARKS she was gone to the future. “Marrissa must stop her its the worlds ony hope.” Ratman nodded with head an brave.

Not a Verb Counter: 160

Dakota: Could you show that again, Redshirt 74357425742553?

*Redshirt 74357425742553 pushes some buttons to activate a program, but there is a malfunction and the console he is at explodes, killing him*

Butt Assrram just lolled all evil an BOOM FLASH SPARKS she was gone to the future.

Not a Verb Counter: 161

Butt Assrram just lolled all evil

Butt Assrram

Cain: Oh, God damnit!

There was nothin we cold do so we classed but wen the others goned Pryo whispered to my eer “Scot I’m scarred what if Assirram destroys the world?”

Not a Verb Counter: 164

Cain: You’re scarred? You are scarred?! I’m the one who had to read every chapter of this piece of shit! Fuck you!

I huged her an said “Dont worry Pyro I will protract you!”

Not a Verb Counter: 165

Dakota: *snerk* I love when someone says ” protract” in place of “protect.”

She taked face off an kissed me an I kissed her.

Not a Verb Counter: 166

Dakota: *Tries to suppress laughter but eventually cracks up*

Cain: *Snickers* It’s not that funny.

Dakota: No, *Laugh* you don’t get *Another laugh* it, sir! Taked face off! That is *More laughter* that is just the best thing ever! *Takes a minute or so to compose himself* Okay, I’m good.

“Scot.” She said wif all a lovey feces.

Cain: Oh God! Why me?! Why, Lord?! Why?!

Goddess: If someone riffs another “seekwillspinoff”, they will need a Scatology counter.

Cain: Gah! What did I say about SDQF in riffs?!

“Tanya I love you.” I said back then she said “I love you to Scout.” An we went to the looker room were I found her girl an… USE YUR IMAGINE PERVS!

Goddess: Again, this fic promotes slavery?!

12 weeks latter… Pyro an I was goin super steddy an things was god. It was lunsh an we were eatin outside wif Sniper, Ingineer, Scot, Medik, Heavy an Demoman. Gabe Jonson, Ratman an some siense nerds was at the otter table makin computers an stuff.

Not a Verb Counter: 169

Cain: We didn’t need you to say all those names. You could have just said Teem Fortress 2, Cave Johnson, and some nerds at the other table making computers and stuff.

“Guys wen I grow up Im goin to by the Portal High School an make a lab there called PORTAL LABS in onor of the best high school ever.” An they all said YAH an did hi-fifes. But withou warnin a portal opened an Marrissa and Assirram was there!

Not a Verb Counter: 171

Cain: So we have unattributed Dialogue, although I assume Gabe said it, then a random Portal opens up and Marissa and Assiram step out.

Dakota: Don’t forget the hi-fifes!

We all got up an said “Dont worry Marrissa were heer for backup!” Marrissa nodded no with head “No go in portal an kill the zombees an turrents!”

Goddess: I like to think that she nodded the head of a Zombie, rather than her own. Her suepidity is so infectious.

Cain: So they do this thing where they start killing Zombies with various weapons, then we get these two.

I sued Marrissa to bat the turrents off the zomboys heads then batted the heads off to.

Not a Verb Counter: 172

Goddess: That had to be intentional. Had to.

Pyro set some on fire but more came an tried a eat Gabe Jonson but Ratman jumped out an the zombees tried to eat his balls insted but coldant becos he had balls of steal!


Wile we fited more zombees Medik saw a thing an yelled “Theres the portal if we close it the zombees will stop common!” I used speed to get behin the zomboys an to the portal. I locked up an a saw the prototip portal gun that was chargin it, I wold have to destory it to close the portal.

Not a Verb Counter: 176

*Pokemon music plays*

Marissa: Go, Scot!

Assiram: Zombees, ram their asses!

Use tear face off!

Marissa: Dodge it with Speed!

Announcer: The attack missed!

“Hurry Scout quick!” Pyro screemed hardcore as the zomboys over helmed her. I got a brave look on my feces an grabed the prototip portal gun an threw on the grownd but it didant brake. “G****** F****** B*****!” I cursed out because I was so mad. Then…

Not a Verb Counter: 176

Assiram: Zombees, attack Pyro with Swarm!

Announcer: Pyro uses Screem Hardcore! Pyro survives with one health!

Marissa: Scot, use Throw On Grownd!

Announcer: It’s not very effective!

Goddess: “G****** F****** B*****!” Hmm…

General Flaming Bungle. This perfectly describes Teen Fortress 2.

“Ahhhhh!” Pyro screemed a gain as a zomboy riped her face off an all the other Teen Fortress 2 o-mouthed that she as a girl.

Not a Verb Counter: 179

Assiram: Zomboys, use Ripe Face Off!

Announcer: It’s super effective! Critical hit! Pyro fainted!

Dakota: Well, that’s it, the love interest is dead. She can no longer take face off.

“No zombees touch my GIRLYFRIEND!” I screemed lick a screemin thing that screems an punched thru the prototip gun to make a huge explode like BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM! An ever thing wend dark.

Not a Verb Counter: 183

Marissa: Scot, use Punch Thru Prototip!

Announcer: It’s Super Effective! Critical Hit! BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM! Prototip Portal Gun fainted!

Cain: “Screemed lick a screemin thing that screeems.” Wow, that’s uncreative, even for you, Marissa.

Dakota: Are they dead yet? Pyro and Scot seem to be dead. Let’s hope they stay that way.

Cain: Well, see you guys next time.


10 Comments on “1119: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Nine”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Butt Assrram

    Marrissa, stop making such an ass of yourself.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Scot I’m scarred what if Assirram destroys the world?”

    Ummm…. good riddance?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know, “Asirram” would not be a bad name for a fantasy villain.

  4. neji7hyuga says:

    …is this a trollfic? I just skimmed through and saw the Not a Verb counter, and it’s over 150…

    If it is, I am not surprised.

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