1112: The Legund of Lik – One ShotPosted: July 19, 2015
Title: The Legund of Lik
Media: Video Game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda
Genre: Not Listed
URL: The Legund of Lik – Dramatic Reading
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai
Hello again, noble patrons! It is I, AdmiralSakai, back to deliver to you a fresh helping of unmitigated failure. I’ve got another Half-Jaw ‘fic in the pipeline that I happened to find particularly objectionable, but before we dive back into the Halo universe I thought I’d cleanse the Library’s collective palate with a quick little one-shot in a franchise we are all a bit more familiar with. The Legund of Lik is an… incomprehensible little probable trollifc set in the Legend of Zelda universe. I’m… actually surprised that nobody has bothered to look into it before, but that might be because the original text copy of the thing has been removed. In order to make this spork I had to transcribe the ‘fic, panel by panel using an online OCR service, from this dramatic reading, so I do hope you’re happy.
And so… let’s begin:
This was a dark shadowy night at the end of the day.
As opposed to a dark shadowy night… when, exactly?
Link was asleep, sleeping in his bed
Well, this is off to a good start…
Release the orbital drop pods!
*A team of DRD agents is crushed by orbital drop pods rolling down the hall.*
You know, I’m still not entirely sure we are using those correctly.
when a dream appeared in his head. It was about a girly female princess dressed in a princess robe, wearing a princess crown.
Well, that‘s really informative…
“Link, you must help me. My name is Zelda, and I have been kidnapped and taken away out of my home by the dark shadow priest Darkman.
As opposed to being kidnapped and then… left where you were?
Ok, who wants to play some Donkey Kong….
He plan to use my power to open the magical gate of hell to free the demon lord Ganon,
king of evil monsters. Please, you need to must come to help. I’m being held captive in the chapel near the castle.
So, basically, the plot of roughly 33% of the Zelda series, then?
The chapel’s main gate entrance door is locked, so you’ll have to use the secret passage, which is located under a waterfall near the Zora domain’s habitat.”
Not near Zora’s Domain itself, mind you, but near where Zora’s Domain lives. I am not entirely sure how those two locations could possibly be different, but stranger things have happened in fan fiction.
Lik ran to Zora Domain and swim unter water and get in secret place to chapel which take Lik where to Zelda is and held by pigman.
This sentence makes Iegolas by Iaura look coherent.
Lik swam and swam until almost out breath and still swam more despite depleting health. By time Lik get surfaced, he weak and faint so he kill many Hyrrule knights
All hail Link, Hero of Friendly Fire!
and ﬁnd many hearts and a fairy whcih he bottled. He then ran to chapel and he end up in graveyard before chapel and their were many gosts and skeletoses and stalkids and bats and poes. Lik got out master sword and ready ﬁght the monsters and save Princes Zelda and be hero to people and vanquish man who always cum back and die and cum back again and be evil.
And I can see we’re in for more My Immortal-style abuse of the word “cum” here as well. I can’t look up the publication date due to the ‘fic itself being deleted, but if this did… come… out after MI, I’d consider this passage the first major indicator that this is in fact a trollfic and not, you know, just really, really bad.
Lunk slash fastily at bat and bat hit and splode becuz that is what monsters do. And Link yell and do dash walk and strike fastlike at unded thinks and make them splode too and ropees fall out because munstrs eat them for some raisin.
Ok, look. If you’re going to bring game mechanics into your story just to clumsily attempt to “deconstruct” them, then don’t just say “Link did a game mechanic” as a substitute for an action sequence!!!
Link pik up rupees because he might ned them for later because he mite buy bombs and stuf. “Likn you are live but soon be like us of zombi ghoasts and be attak peeple becuz you monstr then and not be you no moar!” say monstrs
That’s… surprisingly philosophical for mindless undead constructs that utterly lack vocal cords.
and poes and stallkids attak Link but Link were holding sword out and light reech tip of master sword and it make sound when monster reach him and he do ﬂashy spin and slashed monsters and defect them and expode them and get many rupee
Gosh. Wow. Gee. So thrilling.
“You should not haev done stop me on my qest becus I haev no bone pick with you” said Lik and Link laff becuz he say joke since they were undead but now reded.
Yep, the Hero Of Time is now one of those assholes who laughs at his own (painfully unfunny) jokes.
Link then ram forward and ran fast because he heard screaming like Zelda’s. Link ran fast in direction where he hear Zelda scream. Then he get hit back and it was an octorock to hit him.
Link found hokshot on ground and aimed it at octorock’s face
You know, usually the Zelda series makes you work for your items a bit more, and doesn’t just drop them conveniently on the ground in the middle of nowhere.
Also, I would just like to point out that everything from here back up to the part where Lunk fought the bat in the graveyard has been one single, giant paragraph.
Lik then aim at octorok with hokshot and ﬁre it and hookshot pierce octorok but octorok tum blue and only stun. Lik then upset and look around and fund sheld. Lik then use sheld and octorok no stun and octork shot rock at Lik and Lik’s sheld deﬂect and send back rock hitting octorok and octorok die and
hart fal on gnmd.
Ok, why on Earth would buying a shield from the SDQF cause a baby deer to flop into existence nearby?
The Void must be strong with this one.
Lik said “Looks like I rock yur world!” and he eat hart to replenish helth.
The healing power of venison!
And bad one-liners, let’s not forget the bad one-liners.
After he beat octorok he ran to to where he heard zelda scream. As he went he realized he was dead
Oh. Well, that ended… rather abruptly.
end with watr pool that too long to swim.
But he had idea, he put on iron boots to walks on bottom like he walking in air. But then he found self runing low on air. so he take empty bottle, suk air out of it and run in water forward
I’m almost convinced that this is an actual Zelda mechanic, but I’m not sure.
But Lik still had long to go and again ran out air. Lik began to drown, and he died and his body floated up to the surfaee. Lik was now dead.
And good riddance.
Now no one can save Zelda and stop Gannon and ﬁght him and save world and make it
And I think we should all be grateful. Gan(n)on’s rule may be harsh, but at least he has prevented our idiot “hero” from transforming everything into butter.
But then the captive faery got out and ﬂew into Lik’s mouth
This ‘fic has an odd obsession with items that are not usually eaten being put inside of L[?]k’s mouth. Just going to throw that out there.
and Lik was revived and lived again and could save Zelda and stop Gannon and ﬁght him and save world and make it butter pace.
*ALARM BLARES AGAIN*
Oh shit, double redundancy, double redundancy!
*Returns, wielding a burnt-out plasma rifle and drenched in the world’s butter.*
Let’s never do that again.
So Link goes up out of water and end up in hiden temple wit cool musik
Generally one does not think of the theme music from the Zelda series as actually being audible in the world. Although I suppose there could be a full orchestra underneath Hyrule Field and we just never found it…
and there were satues with faces liek munsters
and were on liek totem poles
On those things that are like totem poles, but weren’t, you know, actually totem poles.
and lunk go in and wet on platform.
*whap whap whap*
No! Bad Lunk! I thought we had you toilet trained!
Lunk went down hole on ﬂatform and ﬁghted mnsters that were like skulls that ﬂew and did ﬂashing of colors, they stop in air as he hit and he hit them many times tll they di “i haev no tiem ﬁght with numskulls” Lin say with serius face
Wow, even for The Legund of Lik that last one-liner is… just incredibly bad.
and go on but he end up in a room that close off and there is musc change and then a guy in armor that ride ﬂying horse thing come out,
So his armor rides a flying horse thing, but the actual guy just has to walk.
“I am Iron Knockle and kill you link because I work for Ganun and am evil!”
That’s as good a reason as any, I suppose…
And he charge at Link and Link jump dodge and horse ridden Iron Knuckle go by then turn and head after Link again,
Seriously, [AUTHOR UNKNOWN], game. Mechanics. ARE. NOT. ACTION. SEQUENCES!!!
so Link jump again and pogo stik on his head
Whatever the heck that means…
and knock from horse Iron Knickle and ﬂying horse thing explod.
Sigh…. Fare thee well, Flying Horse Thing. We hardly knew ye.
“You ruin my sted and now I mad an angry!” roared Iron Knuckle and attick Lunk.
Hey, guys, if you’re looking for Lunk, I think he’s still in the attic(k).
“Sir, we’d like to thank you for the informative tip that we’re grateful for, sir. Have a nice day that is pleasant.”
Link strike fast with sword but Iron Knukl have shcld and block attack and attack Link who have sheld and block attack, Link then low stab with sword and hurt Iran Knuckle who couldnt lower sheld fast enough to block
… and then this goes on for like eight more run-on sentences of pure, undiluted Flynning before Link finally kills the damn thing. It’s sad that I can tell it wasn’t copypasted only because different words are misspelled each time.
Although we do get a Marvel hero for the Middle Eastern market- Captain America losing his appeal? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Iran Knuckle!
Ok, I never thought I would say this, but the dialogue here has actually improved to at least Link: The Faces of Evil levels.
Which is still sad, but now slightly less so.
and he go inside further to save Zlda from Gannn and save day from evil and darknes and huring and monstrs.
What on Earth is “huring” even supposed to be? It sounds like some sort of fungus that destroys wooden structures or something.
So then Likn went. He ran faster and faster into dark cave and lit lantern so he could so. He had to ﬁght a hored of bats and and snakes and then he found place with mirror around him.
Because that’s a completely normal thing to find inside a dark cave infested with vermin.
the other link was all black with black skin and black eyes.
Note that canonical Dark Link has red eyes.
Link attack but the black link did same thing, it went on for minutes and then almost an hour until Link use bomb and Black Link exploded into pieces
Is it sad that I actually prefer being told these action sequences and not made to sit through each excruciatingly dull stab and block?
Also, I’d just like to note that we have defeated one of the most infamously difficult bosses in the Zelda franchise in roughly one eighth of the text-time it took to kill a single octorok.
and Link laughed and ran, leaving other Link in peices. He kept running …
… and fought a Dead Hand, and possibly a [Wall/Floor?]master as well (it’s hard to say since all the enemies are just just called “hand” or occasionally “hanf”), in a paragraph I’ve redacted for extreme boringness, and then he got a boss key that “showed up with sparkles and chime” …
So Link go to fmd big door for master kay to ﬁt in and open. Likn walk up stars and and then ﬁnd door with big keyhoel and skul on ﬂoor by it and he does the taking of key out and open door and go in.
And, unlike our dear departed friend Flying Horse Thing, The Skul On The Floor By The Door will never once be mentioned again. Why is it there? Nobody knows…
Inside there is darkness and he see nothin and even lantrn not light room. Then Lin see eyes glow, it was Gannun and he smile with teeth and face like pig with tusks
As opposed to smiling like a pig without tusks?
Or is it actually possible that the author thought it normal to inform us of the tusks separately because (s)he does not know that normal pigs can have them???
“Join me Link, and yo will haev powr and be greetest in all land of Hyruel!” say Gannon “NO!” say link “THEN YU MUST DI!” roar Gannon and col boss music play.
Well, that got to the point fairly quickly, at least…
Link swing sword at Gannon but he teleportal away and laﬁ’ “Link yu slow, you not hit with sword well becaus darkness make you bind but I am darknees and ﬁght beeter!”
My god, this taunting is so bad I am actually longing for the puns to come back.
and then hold up hands, make trumpet-like charge sound
Whatever the hell that is…
and shoot like energy ball at Lik and hit Link who hurt and helth low and start makeing beep sounds and slide on grownd.
Ok, I get that the beeping of the low-health alarm is another clumsily-inserted game mechanic, but why is Link now sliding along on the ground??? Is he like one of those corpses from Hitman??
But then Link bump somthing that is hard and look and feel, it was pot that culd be lit like
ﬁre for some reson
Ohhh…. kaaaay…. So, like a brazier or something? Or is it actually just a flammable clay pot?
so he did and room get briter and Gannon cover face with clok “NO!!! The lite! It burns!” and then shoot fore lighting from ﬁngers but Link dodge fast and roll on ground then stewd up and light another ﬁre pot thing.
Even the author doesn’t know what these things are…
Sudenly, the dark shado prist, Darkman, appears on ﬁont of link “It seams u have forgotten me lol. I wont let you interfr with my plan on helping the dark wolrd doom in existanee with power on my side if u please, siir.”
Ok, absolutely none of that made sense.
eh then cats litning at Link, thrwing him on the wall of the side of the room an pro seed with extinguish the pot in ﬁre wiht magic water coming out of is magic rod
And that just got very Freudian very quickly.
and breaking the post aftnvard. “Let the drknses engulf u in fear, mah boi.”
Ok, from now on I’m going to have to end all of my menacing one-liners with “mah boi”.
All loked bad for Lik, until he remember he had hokshot and he point at Dark man and impale his head with hokshot as extendeed.
Again. This took substantially less time than it did for us to fight a single ocotrok.
Dark man then fall on grund an began dying and said with last breath “I faild and can no longer surve Gannon and now I see your mind is sharp and as is your wepons and I must give respect and I must say yur strong but I still hate you cuz I am dark man and surve Gannon therefor I no like you, even if wepons are sharp and hurt me in head and kill me and I still be here but I die and will stop talking now so Meister Gannon can defeat you with his skills and power and you die and faill and world is worsened but it better place for us because we are evil so we would like it better this way and you wouldnt.”
Oh for the love of god just die already!!!!!!!
“Glad you get the point, Dark man” sad Lik.
Ok, that was a genuinely snappy one-liner in response to this man’s insanely long speech. But I think the author was just going for another lame pun, so I will eat the redemption cookie myself.
You know, these things are actually kind of dry. I wouldn’t recommend them.
And Lik then pre pair to ﬁght with Gannon pig man and will now save world. But ﬁrst Lik take Heart container from Dark man dead body with hole in head and take it and acts it and reﬁll health and add one more. Gannon loked mad and got reddy ﬁght Lik aﬂer death of dark man who got hed impaled from hokshot as extended and now dead and tum to heart container which Lik ate and recover health lpus one. “You kill dark man and imaple with extend hokshot and now he dead and you ate heart container which he became and reﬁll heatlh plus one,
Sigh… Release the quadcopters!
*Cries of misplaced technological enthusiasm emanate from the hall.*
That should keep them busy for a while.
now I mad and will defeat you making that plus one and recover useless and pointless. Said the piggy Gannon. And then Gannun pulld out trifarce of power
Trifarce is right….
and get strongr and bigger and hav longer teeth and angered face and weard darkness cloak so now only eyes seed
If only his eyes are seeing now… dare I ask what else was seeing before?
“Now I beet you at last Lunk, becuz in darnes I am master of darkness and evil and monsters and light that is Zeldr is prisoned and who I may eat or mary is left is Lnk, who is you!” said Gannon in loud evil voice.
Sorry, Gan(n)on, you’re still mostly incoherent. Although as far as Zeldr goes, I’d recommend that you marry, then eat. Not much point to doing it the other way around.
Gannon then teleportald into tree of himself
Oh, goody, the eldritch horrors are back!
Do you think there’s a tree of AdmiralSakais somewhere in addition to the Ganon tree?
and trumpet again and throw three energy ball but Link deﬂect them but they not hurt Gannon because he is darkness and he cannot hit darknees with no light. And then Lik remember and start lighting ﬁre pots gain and light start up in room “NO!!” Gannon painful scream and coverd face in cloak and walk back slowly. Link lite another pot and lite get brighter in room that was dark.
Is the Dark lord really going to get defeated by setting fire to some pots?
Lin lite another and Gannon back away, no longer see because light was theme and dark was not, as he back walk he trip on dark man robe and fall into pot that had ﬂame and catched aﬂame and walked fastlike atound “NO! I am on ﬁre and it is hurting me!” screamed Gannon and screamed at top of ltmg,
Wow. It didn’t sink in until now, but this Gan(n)on is really dumb.
he was burnd more but not a lot and fell into hole that was at side of room.
Well that’s what happens when you let huring get into your floorboards.
“NO!!!l Not into pit, it bums!” yelld Ganin as he felld to doom while burning. “
Ok, this is my strongest evidence that this is in fact a trollfic: direct (if ungrammatical) quoting from The Wand Of Freaking Gamelon.
“You may be pig, but you ar not wite meet!” said Link and went in and ﬁnd zelda prisoned and opend doo
Ok, I just don’t get this one. Is it somehow bad to be dark meat or something?
“Lik! You sav me from Gannon and defected him
I think he was more than defective enough already.
and dark man and the evil and darkness and hurting and now peace and happy return to peeple and darkness now gone from word!” said Zalda and they went.
Hopefully to Hell.
And as they went the pants were alive and singing
Kill it! Kill it with fire!!! Even if the author actually meant “plants” and not my khakis… that’s not supposed to happen.
and happy music play and sun and birds rised up in sky.
Hopefully not to the same altitude.
And boy, what an end it was.