1105: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter Ten (The Real One)

Title: Tangled: alternative story
Author: BionicDragonSpirit
Media: Movie
Topic: Tangled
Genre: Romance / Humor
URL: Chapter Ten
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, my lovelies!  Welcome back to T:as.  Last time we met, Rapunzel and Eugene had a staring contest, Rapunzel’s parents left on a “business trip,” and then our tepid duo went shopping.  They met a butcher who happened to be the brother of the two kidnappers from previous chapters.  He was oddly happy that his brothers were dead and Rapunzel bought a dead duck.  Then, because our author could not even jump a dogfish, let alone jump a full shark, we got an author’s note for a chapter that pleaded with the readers to tell her how to write her story.  There’s five more chapters, so she must have gotten some guidance.  Let’s see what it was.

Ok, thanks to a guest, I have an idea of how to continue this story, and no, since Rapunzel hasn’t seen her real parents for eighteen years, I’d want to put something related to the movie except for the names. Anyway, here’s chapter 10.

Waaaait a second.  *looks at the description of the story then back at the author’s note*  The whole concept of this story is that Rapunzel was not kidnapped as a baby and, therefore, was raised by her parents in the castle.  What in the world does BDS mean when she says that Rapunzel hasn’t seen her real parents in eighteen years?  Koori!

Koori: *poofs into the room in a swirl of leaves, carrying a large tray of drinks*  Yes, ma’am?

*takes a mocha from the tray and sips it*  Ah, perfect.  Thank you, intern.  Now, go prepare the shark jump tank’s flaming ring.  I think we might need it.

Koori: Do I have time to deliver the rest of these drinks?

How long will it take you?

Koori: Less than five minutes.

Go for it, then.

*Koori poofs back out, leaving more leaves scattered around Lyle’s office*

… I really need to talk to her about that.

Anyway, moving right along.

Flynn’s POV

Oh.  Right.  I forgot about that part.  At least I have this to console me.  *takes a sip of her coffee*

I walked into the castle after Rapunzel. “What are you going to do with the duck?” I asked, looking at her. “I’m going to give it to the poor, who can’t afford meat” she said, a small smile on her face.

While the meaning behind your idea is noble, and something Rapunzel would probably do since she has a pure heart and gentle soul, you’re going to give the poor a single duck?  That’ll go a long way to feed the needy.

unimpr10

“Do I get it?” I asked, making a pleading face while holding my hands out. She looked at me for a while before smacking me. “In your dreams! You aren’t poor, judging by you stealing stuff, you’re as rich as me” she said, crossing her arms. I rubbed where she hit me and said: “Worth a shot” smiling slightly.

Wow, Eugene.  That was a douchey question to ask.  She’s going to give it to the needy and you live in the fucking palace now.  Would you like to go take some candy from small children while you’re at it?

As for you, Princess-Britches, typically people steal because they’re poor and can’t afford to otherwise live.  Unless they’re kleptomaniacs, that is, and if Eugene were actually a kleptomaniac you’d have already found your silverware stuffed down his pants or something.

Rapunzel’s POV

Already?  That was short.

Flynn looked a bit cute when he made the pleading face but I couldn’t help but smack him for his idiocy, wait when did I learn that word?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe during one of your various tutoring sessions that would have created a young woman of high learning and culture?  Typically, countries like their leaders to be well-educated.  And from the opening musical number of the canon movie, Rapunzel knows how to read.  I’d truly doubt she wouldn’t have come across “idiocy” at some point in her life and figured out it’s meaning.  It isn’t a hard word, after all.

Never mind. Anyway, when I heard him say “Worth a shot” I could feel a smile tugging at my lips. I kept my expression as hard and angry as I could and I stormed off for no reason. I passed the kitchen and put the duck on the table.

You know, in this age of non-refrigeration, you might want to either smoke that duck right away or get it to the poor whom you wish to feed before it spoils and starts smelling like last week’s sauerkraut.

I went into my room and lay down on bed. Thoughts rushing through my head and without me realizing, I fell asleep

Flynn’s POV

Gah!  That’s going to give me whiplash if the author keeps that up.

Rapunzel just ran away… for no reason. I stood blankly for a second, and then started walking into the kitchen. I saw the sack of duck inside and walked over to it. I looked inside to see if the duck was still inside… it was. I closed the sack and walked to Rapunzel’s room. I slowly opened the door after realizing it was unlocked and saw that Rapunzel was sleeping. I smiled lightly before slowly closing back the door.

The duck is in a sack?  Do you realize how greasy that sack will be?  You don’t put raw poultry in a bag.  *smacks the fic upside the head*  And what was the purpose of Eugene even checking inside the bag to see if the duck was still there?  Obviously there was something in the bag.  Did he think the duck got up and walked away?

And where in the hell is the cook?!  Shouldn’t the head of the kitchens been all over that sack of duck like ticks on a deer?

I gave myself a tour around the castle, looking at everything that I could have stolen if I wanted to. I walked into my “guest” room and lay down on bed. Though it was still day time, I couldn’t help but feel tired. My eyelids got heavier by the second and soon I was asleep.

Seriously?  Now we’ve descended into Narcolepscene territory?  Using sleep as a means of changing a scene is a valid technique, but only when used sparingly.

Koori: *poofs in*  Done!  Anything else you need me to do today?

Just hang tight.  *points to Koori’s chair*  I think we might be jumping that shark soon.

Koori: Ooo, my first jumping shark!  I’m so excited! *plops into her chair*

My/Reader’s/Narrator’s POV

Wut.

Koori: I feel insulted to be placed into the same category as the author of this story.

*glances ahead*  Holy mother of sharks… Koori, where’s my sledgehammer?  We need to break this up so the sheer stupidity of what we’re about to read can be felt.

Koori: I took it in for cleaning.

Oh.  Right.  Can I borrow a kunai?  I’ll just cut this paragraph up instead.

Koori: Sure.  *passes one over*

“Raise the sails!” shouted the captain of the ship. It was raining and thunder clouds have gathered.

index

This is why having some knowledge of what you write about is very, very important.  First of all, the sails should already have been raised.  Although there is no indication of how bad the storm is (it says raining and thunder) I’m assuming there’s a high wind.  If there’s a high wind, and therefore, big waves, these sailors should be preparing to “heave to” in order to prevent the boat from being hit broad-side by the waves (which could case it to capsize).  If this is a vessel outfitted for deep sea travel, they would probably also have a sea anchor, which would then be deployed to keep the boat more stable during a heave to procedure.  The jib needs to be locked into place as well, if the ship has one.  It’s never specified how large the ship is.  The only time sails would be raised during a storm would be if the ship was equipped with a special type of storm sail, reserved only for weather that could damage normal sails.  The normal sails would be furled to prevent them from ripping.

The King and Queen were currently on the ship’s cabin, terrorized by fear.

Shouldn’t you guys be in the cabin?

“Sir! We have lost control of the ship!” shouted one of the crew.

…Then grab the fucking wheel and get back in control!  This isn’t a car, you moron.  You don’t just “lose control” of it.

“Drats! I knew we should have never sailed” murmured the captain. He went to the wheel to see it torn in pieces. “Who did this?!” shouted the captain. No one answered and the captain looked at where the wheel holder was standing and saw it get torn by the wind with his own eyes.

The wind tore apart the wheel of the ship.  The wind.  Wind.  Tore apart a heavy wooden structure.

c86

The captain went into the cabin, drenched and heaving. “I’m afraid, Your Majesty… We may not make it” said the captain, dread filled the king and queen and soon, the ship was engulfed by the waves.

shark-jump-5

AND THE SHARK HAS JUMPED!

Koori: Yay!  *applauds*  Look at that form!  He cleared the water!

He’s been training for this moment for four years.  Let’s go to the scores.  Judges?

judges-score-cards_pan_20134

Well done, Bartolomé.  Well done.

So, because this story was going abso-fucking-lutely nowhere, the author has chosen to kill off Rapunzel’s parents ala “Frozen.”

Sooo sorry for the short chapter and late update! I have an Idea on how to continue this but I can’t think how to write it down.

One word at a time, usually.

Koori: Why are you encouraging this?

Morbid curiosity?

Anyway, That is all, R&R&Bye.

Or, ya know, whatevs.

That’s it for this week, folks.  Koori, go give Bartolomé a nice big chum bucket for his jump.

Koori: He’s earned it.  *poofs out*

*looks at all the leaves*

*sigh*

Advertisements

24 Comments on “1105: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter Ten (The Real One)”

  1. GhostCat says:

    Flynn’s POV

    Gah! That’s going to give me whiplash if the author keeps that up.

    I feel your pain, sister.

  2. GhostCat says:

    I saw the sack of duck inside and walked over to it. I looked inside to see if the duck was still inside… it was.

    Why would he do that? Does he think they might have accidentally purchased a zombie duck?

  3. GhostCat says:

    I gave myself a tour around the castle, looking at everything that I could have stolen if I wanted to.

    Thus illustrating why it is a very bad idea to let the thief wander around the palace by himself.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    He went to the wheel to see it torn in pieces. “Who did this?!” shouted the captain. No one answered and the captain looked at where the wheel holder was standing and saw it get torn by the wind with his own eyes.

    Ok, what?????????

    1) How the fuck does wind disintegrate a ship’s wheel?
    2) If the wind can instantly disintegrate a ship’s wheel, how come it seems to have no effect at all on the rest of the ship?????
    3) If the wind can instantly disintegrate a ship’s wheel, why does it not also disintegrate the capitain??????????????

  5. GhostCat says:

    My/Reader’s/Narrator’s POV

    :eye-twitch:

    THAT’S IT!

    :grabs Xenodoken Gun:

    EAT FLAMING XENOMORPH, YOU BASTARD!

    :Ghostie is tackled by a flurry of ninja:

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know, in this age of non-refrigeration, you might want to either smoke that duck right away or get it to the poor whom you wish to feed before it spoils and starts smelling like last week’s sauerkraut.

    For that matter, even if they have refrigeration (they have toilets, after all), they’re still leaving the damn thing out in the middle of the table and letting it warm up and become a Duck Blob.

  7. GhostCat says:

    “Drats! I knew we should have never sailed” murmured the captain.

    :fans self: My mother warned me about sailors and their fondness for strong language.

  8. GhostCat says:

    He went to the wheel to see it torn in pieces. “Who did this?!” shouted the captain. No one answered and the captain looked at where the wheel holder was standing and saw it get torn by the wind with his own eyes.

    Does he really expect someone to take credit for destroying the wheel? Did he think one of the crew took a hammer to the wheel – the only way to steer the ship – for a lark? And if the wind is strong enough to destroy the wheel housing, then how the hell is the captain still standing there?

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    What is it with this author and scenes where people die?

    Most of her writing is merely extremely bad, but whenever an NPC dies she does it using circumstances that make the students of Sodor High seem like rational, well-adjusted human beings.

  10. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Would you like to go take some candy from small children while you’re at it?

    Stealing candy from monkey spawn, while more difficult than billed, is truly for the amateur of the dark arts. When you find yourself prepared for the mastery of the Dark Side, come to me. I will teach you of eating cake in front of a herd of kindergarteners.

    • Harriet Shepherd says:

      Harriet Shepherd: Lord of the Dark, Master Renegade, Raptor Supreme, it is an honor to finally meet you. Teach me, my lord. Teach me how to hone my force powers and biotics. Teach me to become Sith!

  11. TacoMagic says:

    “Sir! We have lost control of the ship!” shouted one of the crew.

    Oh fuck me, we’re about to see this fic rip-off Frozen, aren’t we?

    • GhostCat says:

      It’s less of a rip-off and more like a cheaply made knock-off that will give you a horrible rash that baffles the scientific community for decades the first time you touch it.

      • agigabyte says:

        Cain: Our Scientists are using Suits made of concentrated WTF to study it right now.

        Goddess: They have to take them off after no more than three hours then wait ten times how long they wore the suits in order to not go insane.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s