1104: FALLEN – Chapters One and Two

Title: FALLEN
Author: Legendaryicon
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dead Space
Genre: Horror / Sci-fi
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by The Crowbar

[Warning: This fic contains visuals of necromorphs.  If you scare easily and don’t want to see freaky mutated zombie monsters, you might not want to read this one in the dark.  I know that when I formatted it, it started the shit out of me.  -Lyle]

Hello again everyone! The Crowbar Overlord has returned. And this time with a fic about Dead Space! aren’t you all excited?

Also, yes, I made backups.

For anyone who doesn’t know, Dead Space is a game where the protagonist is an engineer named Isaac Clarke who gets sent by his company to check out a distress beacon coming from a mining ship “Ishimura” along with his buddies. Little do they know there are man-eating monsters on board that want nothing more than for every human to die a horrible death of horribleness.

Also, it was all caused by a single object called “Marker” that the ship picked up from a planet. First the Marker caused everyone to go insane and then a weird creature got on board the Ishimura and turned everyone into monsters called Necromorphs.

This is a very basic summary of course, but I hope it’s enough for this riff.

And to keep myself from prolonging my own suffering, I’m going to start riffing now!

Chapter 1

Left Aside

Within the deep shines if light of space a massive ship named “Terra Nova”, arrived towards a planet named “Mortise X”.”All hands boarding towards

Mortise X no boarding” said the announcer as troopers, miners, and doctors slowly moved throguh the docking bay.

Oh God, here we go already…

First off, “Within the deep shines if light of space a massive ship”… What the absolute monkey fuck does that MEAN?!

And, “All hands boarding towards Mortise X no boarding” Huh?! Is the announcer saying that nobody can board the ship or nobody can leave the ship?

And why do you switch to a new paragraph in the middle of a sentence?! What the fuck, man?!

Also, the entire first chapter is like this… Get your barf buckets, everyone!

“No all I’m saying is that this entire

move was unnecessary” said Mary towards her husband.”Honey this wasn’t all bad we do this short 30-day period of work and we’ll be able to

get the new house “said Bobby. Ships began to take off quickly heading down towards the planet, a group of troopers began to line up all armored

with white and black visors glowed of a light blue, “you guys wait!”Yelled a late trooper as he tripped onto the cold steel floor his helmet slipped out of his hand sliding towards his commanding officer.

Good Fucking Christ, that run-on sentence…

Oh sweet merciful Crowbar, I need something qu-*BLARGH*

*The Crowbar is breathing heavily while a Painter runs towards him with a bucket*

Nah’ I think I’m fine no-*BLARGH*

*The Crowbar falls out of his chair*

I hate run-on sent-*BLAR*-

*Please hold. We are experiencing technical difficulties.*

…Oh man, I feel a bit better now…

That Painter doesn’t look so good though. Oh well!

Also, who the hell are those two? I got no description or nothing. It doesn’t say who they are, where they came from, why they’re here, or anything!

*sigh*

“Ray Gusto What the fuck!” she yelled noticing her fallen trooper as he staggered rushing back up

to his feet.”Im-Im sorry Captain” said Ray while he sweated worried his fellow troopers went into the ship waiting to leave. “Ray what have I told

you to be aware of when being ready for anything “she said, “I’m sorry I truly am “he said.

Oh, so those last two just got sucked into the Formless Void, eh’?

Great.

And who the fuck is this new guy then? Wait, where is this even taking place? The troopers are ready to take off? Didn’t a ship arrive just now?

What the fuck is going on?!

“Ray you are staying behind on the Terra Nova until we get back “,” but mam I’m ready for” , “no Ray you and the other half will stay to guard and

keep order here I don’t think most of you can handle the pressure on Mortis Said his Captain while giving him his trooper helmet back.

What. Oh… Dude, use your fucking quotation marks properly! It looks like she just described him how she’s giving him his helmet back!

Also, “can’t handle the pressure”? Hey, either they were drafted or they signed up for whatever shit is going on down there. Either way your troopers have to earn their goddamn paychecks somehow! Leaving half your goddamn army behind to guard a ship isn’t a very good idea, ya’ know.

“you’re staying

that’s it my final word not only was your father my mentor but a great soldier never the less I’m doing you a favor “she said while walking passed him

holding her helmet and getting into the transport ship. Ray walked back towards the elevator as he held his helmet tightly, “closing docking bay doors

now “said the announcer while everybody rushed into elevators and others into the ships. Ray pressed the main lobby button as he sighed he looked

down at his helmet visor notcing the fresh white paint and its clean gleaning light of blue.

What. What does his father have to do with anything about you leaving him sitting on his ass on the ship? Why the hell did you bring him into the conversation at all?!

“Ray what happened?” said a voice through an instant

message over his rig, Ray placed his helmet on as he said aloud” well I was left behind and some of us new recruits might not have what it takes

“Cathy.”

Man, these troopers are taking it up the ass from their officers. “Not what it takes”? You guys signed up for this shit! These idiots are coddling their soldiers!

Oh, it all makes sense now! Of course a single engineer is a lot better in combat if their entire army is like this.

“Ah never mind that ray it’s not all bad you still have me and Bob through come on were both waiting in the mess hall for you” she said. Ray sighed

while the elevator moved swiftly through floors he noticed blood on the steel rusted floor “what the heck?” he said while noticing the doors open he

walked out thinking it might have been nothing at all.

What.

You see blood on the floor, act mildly surprised and then walk away like nothing is going on?

Okay, wow. These troopers are fucking idiots.

Also, he was left to guard the ship! The least he could do is investigate a bit!

Worst. Security. Ever.

He noticed that less people were walking around withing the halls while over the intercom he

heard “all remaining crew members report back to your dorms”. He walked forward while speaking aloud “Hey Cathy I’ll see you guys later them ima go

to bed then”,”–R” he heard only static and continued as he went up the rusted stairs walking passed other workers who said hello to him.

Blood? A notice telling everyone to go to their dorms? Radio static? Dude, there’s definitely some shit going down right now.

Green

flashing lights went off as another worker turned off his machine. Ray’s mechanical door slide open as its lights shined he saw his bed and computer

along with his digital pictures of him, his green haired girlfriend named Lilith. He removed his helmet while he lied down on his bed resting while he

close his eyes.

What. So we basically get little to no description about anyone’s appearances, locations or motives for being at said locations.

…Okay.

Also, this chapter was absolutely riveting!

But since this is rather short, I’m going full steam ahead straight into the next chapter!

Chapter 2

Outcome

Also, this entire chapter is 3 wall’o’texts now. Watch out everyone!

Pleasant dream within Ray’s mind faded as he awoke by a sudden sound of space rupture he sat up sweating as he heard the alarming sound of shooting.

Huh? “Space rupture”? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? If it means that his compartment got a hole in it, he should be dead or dying right now.

And shooting? I fucking told you to investigate you dimwit!

His eyes were tired he stood up quickly grabbing his equipment and his rapid 3 burst silence trooper pistol. His door opened as a worker fell to the ground bleeding out he was shocked beyond as he shook holding his pistol.

Aaaand great… He has a silence pistol. Why the fuck would your, a trooper’s, pistol possibly need a silencer? And see? That dude is dead.

Worst. Security. Ever.

And shocked beyond…?

Beyond what? Beyond the doors? Beyond belief? FINISH YOUR DESCRIPTIONS!

Large growls coming from down the hall he looked towards the ground, bloody floor, sounding alarms went off continously he slowly moved towards the hall quickly pointing his pistol he saw nothing excepting shredded wires sparkign along with ripped open walls and doors.

What. Alarms, shredded walls and doors?

Man, this dude must be a really heavy sleeper if he missed THIS party!

“Cathy?! Command? Anyone?” he said worried about what was going on, moving forward other bodies he breathed heavily desperately trying to catch his breath. Ray moved down the corridor until he reached the elevator heading up towards the trooper station. He looked at his data pad on his wrist noticing not many rigs active at all, “What the hell happened?

Good God, first wall’o’text is finished… Finally!

Now, where’s the next o- Oh shit, INCOMING!

Suddenly the elevator stopped the lights flickered as he said “oh shit” he rushed over towards the buttons until the vents above shattered and a necromorph landed in front of him screaming ,in such a raging manner.

Aaaand of course it’s immediately known what the fuck that thingy is that landed in front of him.

Aaaand of course no description is given about said thingy!

*sigh*

This, my ladies and gentlemen, is a necromorph:

latest

Eay yelled as he fell backwards and rapidly fired his pistol in such a panic he couldn’t think straight. The piercing bullets penetrated through its falling skin and meat as it struggled to move towards Ray as he kicked and screaming in a high pitched woman like scream.

What. Necromorphs don’t have high-pitched screams except for Exploders that, true to their name, would have already exploded and killed his ass.

Blood spilled everywhere as the limbs continued to move relentlessly all-round the rushed bloody floor the elevators light turned back on and the doors opened. Ray rushed out of the elevator quickly as he did he tripped over other shattered pieces of ripped metal. Ray stared back at the elevator as he heard moaning coming from the opposite side of the hallway. “Ray! Where are you” yelled Cathy over the coms “yes! Where? What’s going on “he said while looking around all around.

“Rushed bloody foor”? Don’t you mean rusted?

Also, which one of them is talking in that dialogue there? This is so confusing…

Also, “around all around”?

Wh-

*SIRENS*

Oh god-fucking-dammit, I hate these guys!

Fuck this, I’m dealing with them myself! Painters, keep the viewers entertained! Juggle or something!

*The Crowbar picks up his Crowbar and runs out*

*The Painters start juggling and doing acrobatics frantically in order to please the viewers*

*5 minutes later The Crowbar walks back in while pulling his Crowbar out of a torso*

Ah, much better…

Anyways, moving on!

“Something went wrong I don’t know me and Bob were called down towards the storage bay and found dismembered bodies of men “she said. Ray couldn’t believe it as he just fought off something similar, “What happened “he asked “They’re like dead or zombiefied or I don’t know it’s an infection I think most of the other troopers died during other calls “she said.

What. She only said she found dismembered bodies? What “similar” thing did she fight off then?

This isn’t the first thing the narration missed something…

And yes, we are finally at the last wall’o’text! Everyone brace!

Ray moved forward while listening to her respone “We need to get to the bridge to alert the rest that went to the planet Ray, we can’t handle this problem”.”Alright but what did you guys find besides that anything else? “he carefully checking his corners then he suddenly felt a gush of wind as it ripped through the walls and a loud angered roar screamed through his helmet and hallway he was pushed back.

Huh? What ripped through the wall? Where did that wind come from? This is a fucking spaceship! Did someone scream through his comms or somewhere around him? What pushed him back?!

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

He tried to grab onto the miner floor as then he looked forward seeing a large tentacle rushing towards him.

“Miner floor”?

What the fuck is that?

I- I don’t fucking know anymore…

*The Crowbar hears electronic warbling behind him*

GAH’, FUCK, WHERE’D YOU COME FROM, AETHON?! I thought you were suppressing those revolting Painters who want their “For science!” volunteers to return?!

You… You said they’re all dead? And they accepted that answer?

…The revolt is over? Why the fuck didn’t I think of telling the truth?

Anyways, Aethon suggests that the floor is either made of dead miners or someone marked the floor for mining, which seems like a rather dumb idea on a spaceship.

Now get the fuck outta’ here, I’m riffing!

It grabbed his left arm as it pulled him towards it “ahhhhh!” he yelled as he tried to shoot until he bashed through a window and floated into space as he grunted in pain and his rig dropped by half a bar out of the 9 bars. He began to breathe rapidly while looking around noticing the stars and looking back towards the ship seeing the massive organic tentacle ripping through other parts of the Terra Nova. “Oh my God… Cathy I can’t believe what I’m seeing..-are-are you aware of what we’re dealing with?!”

What. He has a full suit on?! Did he like… Did he sleep with his R.I.G?! That must’ve been uncomfortable… Also, I don’t think the health system would actually work like it does in-game. I’m thinking it may be something more along the lines of a really advanced heart monitor or something similar.

Also, yay! This chapter is done, too now!

Celebrate, my viewers, for my torment has ende-

Oh. Shit. This thing has 10 chapters…

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFU- *Please hold. We are experiencing technical difficulties*

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98 Comments on “1104: FALLEN – Chapters One and Two”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    Aaaand great… He has a silence pistol. Why the fuck would your, a trooper’s, pistol possibly need a silencer? And see? That dude is dead.

    Worst. Security. Ever.

    And shocked beyond…?

    Beyond what? Beyond the doors? Beyond belief? FINISH YOUR DESCRIPTIONS!

    Whoops. Bit of an accident with the blockquotes there.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    The wordings inside this ‘fic are not the making of sense.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    while the elevator moved swiftly through floors he noticed blood on the steel rusted floor

    Blood spilled everywhere as the limbs continued to move relentlessly all-round the rushed bloody floor

    to bed then”,”–R” he heard only static and continued as he went up the rusted stairs walking passed other workers who said hello to him.

    Hold up, why is everything rusted??? That seems like a hideously unsafe thing for a starship to be doing given that the structural integrity of every single surface is a life-or-death issue… and also a rather difficult thing for a starship to be doing, since it’s an artificial, controlled environment and you don’t just have lots of humidity sloshing around.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Wut?

      • agigabyte says:

        I read this and its shittiness messed up my spelling.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Hmm, that is a horrible side-effect indeed.

        Excuse me while I go drink some…

        CAKE!

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Liquid cake?

        LIQUID CAKE!!!!!!!!!!

        (Seriously, somebody please invent liquid cake, I’ll be your friend forever if you do….)

      • "Lyle" says:

        I even try to proofread as I format. What did I miss?

      • The Crowbar says:

        This:

        Aaaand great… He has a silence pistol. Why the fuck would your, a trooper’s, pistol possibly need a silencer? And see? That dude is dead.

        Worst. Security. Ever.

        And shocked beyond…?

        Beyond what? Beyond the doors? Beyond belief? FINISH YOUR DESCRIPTIONS!

        ^^ Is in blockquotes for some reason. I wonder if I messed up with the separators…

      • The Crowbar says:

        Large growls coming from down the hall he looked towards the ground, bloody floor, sounding alarms went off continously he slowly moved towards the hall quickly pointing his pistol he saw nothing excepting shredded wires sparkign along with ripped open walls and doors.

        ^^ Should be in blockquotes

      • The Crowbar says:

        I think that’s all.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Fuuuuuu…. it looks fine in the writing screen. I’ll have to go into the code and fix it. Gimme just a minute….

      • "Lyle" says:

        There we go! All fixed. For some reason it wasn’t showing up on the visual edit field but I found some hidden blockquotes in the code view. I think I have it sorted now. Let me know if you see anything else going wonky.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Beyond twilight, obviously.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ok, so thus far, Ray The Trooper has been rejected for planetside detail because he “can’t handle the pressure”, ignores tons of blood in the elevator, decides to meet his friends for lunch but then decides to go to sleep instead, wakes up to find everyone dead, screams like a little girl the moment he sees a Flood combat formnecromorph, tries to run away and is sucked out into space for arbitrary reasons.

    Did….
    Did Keirian join the Space Marines after Wheel of Fortune finally fired him?

  5. infinity421 says:

    Jesus, what is up with that author’s formatting? And leaving a space before the quotation makrks? Eurgh, what is this?

  6. magisking says:

    *Incomprehensible screams of rage*

    Oh, god, the grammar is horrible.

  7. agigabyte says:

    In something completely unrelated, who are all the Librarians in the logo? Lyle and Taco are obviously the ones in the front, and AR might be the one next to Lyle, but I’m not sure otherwise.

  8. neji7hyuga says:

    I noticed AdmiralSakai’s comment here-

    Hold up, why is everything rusted??? That seems like a hideously unsafe thing for a starship to be doing given that the structural integrity of every single surface is a life-or-death issue… and also a rather difficult thing for a starship to be doing, since it’s an artificial, controlled environment and you don’t just have lots of humidity sloshing around.

    I have the same question too.

    If the ship was abandoned for years in space, decades or centuries even, it would more likely end up like the Forward Unto Dawn, basically falling apart on the inside. The reason it started to fall apart within 4 years must have been because it got sliced in half by the slipspace portal and then things started to happen in the game during the first playable level…

    Speaking of starships and the passage of time, there’s one insane example from Star Wars. I think it’s an older Star Wars comic. How can it be insane, one might ask? It’s because the thing was flying through space for 20,000 years!

    Time was a bit kinder to it than it should have likely been, but still, things happened.

    The airlock had been dented by a meteor, which jammed the door shut. Upon opening it there was a gust of stale but breathable air. And there was dust covering things such as the floor and assorted things within the ship. As for the food rations? Oh boy, any food dispensed either appeared as a blue-gray slime or a black, hardened chunk.

    Here’s the link to the page in the Star Wars wiki, for those who are interested in what insanity had ensued-

    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Starkiller_(Longhaul_all-purpose_transport)

    I wonder if any fanfic topped that one. I have seen a few sci-fi ones with a ship drifting for centuries.

  9. X Equestris says:

    I…I’m not even sure what I just read.

  10. You could say this story is…

    *takes off sweet shades

    A bloody mess!

    Or that the author’s writing ability…

    *Removes eyeballs

    Is a bit rusty!

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    I’ll go back to the matrix now…

  11. The Crowbar says:

    Oh Sweet Baby Jebus, I just gizoogled this riff…

    *gigglesnort*

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This is a very basic summary of course, but I hope it’s enough for this riff.

    SC is disappointed in you, Crowbar.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Blood? A notice telling everyone to go to their dorms? Radio static? Dude, there’s definitely some shit going down right now.

    So does anybody else get the feeling that this guy watched Shawn of the Dead and didn’t realize that the scene where Simon Pegg goes to the store without noticing that the zombie apocalypse has already started was supposed to be played for laughs?

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    and his rig dropped by half a bar out of the 9 bars.

    *facepalm*

    Oh come on! Really? First that Legend of Dragoon fic, now this?

    *headdesk*

  15. TacoMagic says:

    And this time with a fic about Dead Space!

    Welp, based on how well things went last time we had Dead Space in a fic, I’m just gonna go ahead and start drinking right now.

  16. TacoMagic says:

    One question:

    What the hell did I just read?

  17. TacoMagic says:

    His eyes were tired he stood up quickly grabbing his equipment and his rapid 3 burst silence trooper pistol.

    3-round burst on a pistol? It’s like a regular pistol, but harder to aim, and like a machine pistol but without the constant suppression! The worst of both worlds combined into one! And silenced to reduce stopping power to boot!

    I love it when gamers without any firearm experience outside of FPSs try to talk about guns.

    For the record, there actually is one burst fire pistol out there, and it’s pretty rare because nobody really liked it so not many were made (Beretta 93R).

  18. TacoMagic says:

    The piercing bullets penetrated through its falling skin and meat as it struggled to move towards Ray as he kicked and screaming in a high pitched woman like scream.

    Ray, you really need to work on developing a manly bellow.

    • magisking says:

      Something must be wrong with the alarms. They didn’t go off after that redundancy.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Maybe it was the less used silent ala-

        *A blow-dart hits Taco in the back of the neck and he drops on the spot. A group of stealthy DRD agents of stealth drag his body out of the room.*.

  19. […] If anyone needs a refresher, the link to the last Chapter is here. […]


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