Fourth Annual Sucktastic Awards Ceremony

Hello, patrons! Today is the day you’ve been waiting for: the results of the Fourth Annual Sucktastic Awards! It’s time to find out if the fics you voted for were favored as the best of the worst in our 23 categories of excellence!

Interestingly enough, there really weren’t any close categories this year, and absolutely no ties! This makes 2015 the first of the Sucktastic Awards that feature clear victories in every category! I want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who took the time to vote, without you guys the Sucktastic Awards couldn’t happen.

Without any further ado, let’s get to the Awards!

The Worst Abuse of Thesaurus goes to:

For Thee I give Mine Breath

This category wasn’t even close, with For Thee I give Mine Breath getting well over double the next closest fic. And with the pretentious, over-the-top thesaurus usage featured in the fic, it is very deserving of this award.

Most Blatant Use of Plot Regurgitation goes to:

Beauty within the beast

This was an interesting category to watch. Early on this category was dominated by Eighth Spirit, which came out to a very large early lead, but the last three days of voting saw a huge deluge of support for our winner, Beauty within the beast. In the end, this on-rails fic featuring canon plot that the author clearly didn’t even want to include handily brought home the gold as the most regugitative of the nominees.

Most Epic Mary Sue goes to:

Jewel Lee and the Samurai Sisters from Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee

This year the most Epic Mary Sue goes to not one, but a whole character blob of Mary Sues! They were so awesome and special that not only did they each have unique powers, weapons, romances, and angst, but were each featured far more prominently than the primary protagonist of the source material, Jack. And since he had first mention in the title, that’s a pretty big accomplishment of Suedom.

Most Epic Gary Stu goes to:

Subject 23 from Subject 23

This was another category that was won in a landslide. And deservedly so. Subject 23 was over-the-top in every respect. Powers that could do pretty much anything no matter how illogical, dialogue that was just dripping in self-important pretentiousness, a supporting cast of characters who worshiped the ground he walked on, a romance with a hot paper-cutout of one of the canon characters, a trajik backstory just loaded crimes that are hand-waved at every turn, and so much more. Subject 23 is a pillar of Studom, and he deserves to take home this award for being the Stuest of Stus.

Awesomest McEvil goes to:

Pretty much everyone from A Jedi’s Destiny

Let’s face it, A Jedi’s Destiny had probably the most Awesome McEvils of any fic we’ve ever featured. It seemed like a new one was added at every turn, and all of them had their very own style of mustache to twirl. There was Buster for being the embodiment of pure evil, you had the President Goofy for being so utterly useless and overly bureaucratic, Professor X for his secret plot (whatever it was supposed to achieve), Kahn for his stupid plot twist of actually being a Sith lord of a different name, Arin for being a mass-murdering necromancer, and so many more. And anyone who wasn’t over-the-top evil was just plain useless. In fact, a lot of the characters were both over-the-top evil AND useless. Thank you, A Jedi’s Destiny, for raising the bar of pure, mustache-twirling evil a fic can aspire to.

Biggest WTF Moment goes to:

Jedi’s Destiny for the reveal that lions are descendants of Jedi Masters who came to Earth in the distant past and were transformed into lions due to how warm it was on the planet.

The nomination really speaks for itself. There is nothing, nothing that could prepare a reader for a plot twist that astoundingly stupid. Just so we can all marinate in it, I’ll post the original moment in all its glory:

Our fore fathers were human at that time but were subjected to high levels of thermal radiation on this planet as this planet was in the primitive times as the rest of the universe was practically thousands of years ahead of the human race here. As a result, we were caged up like little animals and were subjected to more radiation and any kind of DNA introduced to our bodies made us change.

For those playing at home: “thermal radiation” means “warmth.”

The Award for the Award for Redundancy Award goes to:

Life with Raptors for having lots of scene fragments which are shown twice by viewpoint overlap.

This was the second closest of all the categories. An honorable mention goes to The Final Hunt which was leading in votes up until Wednesday afternoon and was barely edged out for the award. In the end, though, repeating large chunks of every scene with no new information won out over hunter saying hunter all the time while hunter is the hunter.

Highest Jumping Shark

Jedi’s Destiny for the scene where an entire anthropomorphic lion nation is created because an anthropomorphic lion hits a thing covered in Greek with a sword.

This was the very epitome of a jumping shark. Everything up to this moment was pretty bland and uninteresting; there was some insulting conversation about the Holocaust and some vague and general hints that Buster was kind of a jerk, but otherwise things were pretty clement. This absolutely insane moment was really the turning point of the whole fic where the author began to try to outdo himself with crazier and crazier shit while making Buster more and more offensive. Because of how crazy this moment was, and how quickly the fic devolved after this moment, it’s shark jumped higher than the others.

Most Obvious Author-Insertion goes to:

Subject 23 from Subject 23

Since being a giant black-hole Stu almost always goes hand-in-hand with being a flagrant author-insertion, it’s only fair that our biggest Stu of the year is also a dead ringer for this category. The fact that the author’s profile is just a character sheet for Subject 23 is the nail in the coffin that proves Subject 23 to be the most obvious author insertion.

Biggest Douchecanoe McAsshat goes to:

Buster from Jedi’s Destiny

Buster was a shining example of how not to write a protagonist. Throughout the course of the fic he trivialzes the holocaust for sympathy, physically and mentally abuses his son, assaults a pregnant woman who is unarmed AND cuffed, sends the same pregnant woman to a concentration camp because of her mixed-race marriage, attempts to force the same pregnant woman into a sexual relationship against her will, allows mixed race marriages when the requests come from males, and creates a totalitarian regime with himself at the top. Buster may actually be the closest thing to a protagonist Hitler we’ll ever see. There is no question as to why he won this award.

Honorable mention goes to Urich from Homira Afterstory. Ulrich got a surprising number of votes for as tough an opponent as he had in Buster, acquiring over half as many votes. You know you’ve failed at creating a sympathetic character when that character gets more than 50% the number of votes as the Hitler-analogue does. In fact the voting was very, very close for most of the voting period (within 1 or 2 votes), with the gap only widening right at the end. Congratulations, CaptainAfrica, you failed big.

Lamest Duck goes to:

Kierain from My Job on Australian Wheel of Fortune

It should come as no surprise that this soggy noodle of a human being won this award. He did absolutely nothing in the fic but instead let Adriana do everything for him. From fighting his battles with bully co-workers, to to being his nurse maid, to dealing with his abusive father, and even tucking him in at night, Adriana did it all for her little toddler-man Kierain. For being a complete waste of space, we award Kierain the title of Lamest Duck.

Most Featureless Void goes to:

A Jedi’s Destiny

This thing was just chock full of void. So much that not only was nothing ever described (aside from a very vague description of Buster’s king suit), but there was no way to know what part of the world anything has happening in. And when we did get locations, they were super helpful, like things happening in the Asian country of Africa. The only thing we ever knew about anything happening was that Buster’s city was in Africa. Well, probably in Africa. Maybe.

Honorable Mention for Life With Raptors for also being completely devoid of any useful description and generally not knowing anything about the canon geology of Isla Nublar.

Least Connection to the Source goes to:

Jasmine Cumslut

Jasmine Cumslut absolutely domin- uh, swept this category, and it deserves to. Other than stealing characters from whatever canon the author currently had a hard-on for, this fic had absolutely nothing to do with any of the cited sources. Really, it wins this award because there was NO connection to any source. Even the characters were in no way like their canon equivalents. All they were names used as the author’s wank-fodder. For being devoid of any kind of source connection, Jasmine Cumslut is give the award for Least Connection to the Source.

Weirdest Crossover goes to:

FaCe ThE StRaNgE for being a cross of Harry Potter, Twilight, Yu Yu Hakusho, Sonic the Hedgehog, Legend of Zelda, Naruto, and Nightmare Before Christmas.

This fic was basically a smash-mash of any fic the author could pull right off the top of her head, no matter how nonsensical. Better yet, no reason is ever given for all the canons intertwining and a couple of the canons were introduced and then completely forgotten in later chapters. FaCe ThE StRaNgE was truly a random assortment of canons. So much so that it’s very likely that a monkey and a dart board were featured prominently in the writing.

Honorable Mention to Jasmine Cumslut for likewise being a monkey-picked assortment of sources.

Most Unintentionally Hilarious Line goes to:

“Oh, yes. I nearly forgot that you are homophobic. You can’t stand the sight of blood.” from Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee

This is really the kind of award that speaks for itself. Telling you why this is funny enough to win the award would really just be explaining the joke.

Honorable mention goes to: “You’ve been through horrific things, yet, from what I can tell, your acting within normal. I mean apart from the homicidal tendencies,” from Subject 23 for being one of the most amusing moments of unintentional irony ever featured in the Library.

The Squick Award goes to:

Jasmine cumslut for being basically nothing but a long line of EP writing down fetishes without even having the decency to make it sexy.

Jasmine Cumslut absolutely dominated this category, and it’s no surprise. The fic was just icky. I mean just rancid. And it couldn’t even muster good enough prose to be arousing while it was being so offensive.

A strange kind of Honorable Mention goes to Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity in this category. Despite being nowhere near as Squicky as Jasmine Cumslut by votes, in the six months since the riff posted, it’s quickly raised to be the most viewed riff this past year by over double the number of page views of the next most viewed. It’s also now the third most viewed riff of all time for the site, and provided the number of daily page views remains relatively stable (as it has the last 3 months), it’ll be the most viewed riff on the site in 3 more months. I’ll keep you all updated on this fic’s rise up through the ranks of total page views. My hat’s off to you, Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity, you bring a lot of traffic to our site. And, I really, really don’t want to know why.

Worst Romance goes to:

Gaston and The Beast from Beauty within the beast

This was a romance built on all the most screwed-up criteria possible. The initial meeting was Gaston shooting the Beast. Keeping them together was the staff guilt-tripping Gaston into taking care of Beast. The romance was flamed by Lumiere bribing Gaston with a shiny rock to seduce the Beast. And the romance was strung along by an insane subplot where Gaston pretends to have amnesia in order to get pity from the Beast. There aren’t words.

Worst Trivialization goes to:

Jasmine cumslut for sex trafficking

This was a very close category with the other nominees all being very closely clustered.  But, in the end, Jasmine cumslut’s atrocious treatment on the topic of sex trafficking won the award.  Honestly, I don’t want to cite specific examples because I’ve been trying to drink away the memories of the fic ever since it was featured.

Honorable mention to all the other nominees; it was very close all around.

Squigliest Time goes to:

Twitanic the ship where dreams almost come true

In the closest category in votes, Twitanic the ship where dreams almost come true walked away with a victory for having absolutely no freaking clue on how to alter a timeline.  The titanic sinking in modern times yet maintaining many of the events surrounding events, like gambling for a ticket, just failed to work on so many levels.  Not to mention that the plot point of Rose’s arranged marriage makes absolutely no sense.  And let’s not forget:

“Yes Tracey we found the ship Twitanic after it sunk to the ocean floor almost more than 20 years ago” he has said.

I still don’t know what the hell “almost most than 20 years ago” is supposed to mean.

Honorable mentions to both Life with Raptors and Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors as they were both very close behind in votes.

Whiniest, Most Immature Character goes to:

Subject 23 from Subject 23

Subject 23 whined so much about Miranda that it’s amazing that the rest of the crew didn’t follow him around the ships with tiny violins.  The guy could just not help himself it seemed.  And the whining was augmented by the fact that not only was Subject 23 whining, but the narration was right along with him.  Which makes sense, since Subject 23 was also the most obvious author insertion, it’s no surprise that the narrator (the author) would take his side of things.

Honorable mention goes to Kierain from My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune.  His whiny man-baby attitude got him a lot of votes, just not enough for a victory here.

The Bashing Award goes to:

Subject 23 – For bashing Miranda Lawson

In this landslide victory, Subject 23 basically proved that if you can get yourself the whiniest character slot for bitching about another character, you’re a shoe-in for also taking the bashing award.  Once again, having the assistance of the narrator made the victory all but certain.

Worst Wardrobe Porn goes to:

Jasmine cumslut

It’s an amazing accomplishment by itself to make notable wardrobe porn in a fic with so little clothing in it to start with, but to  also sweep the category in the most one-sided victory of the year while doing it is a rare talent.  A rare talent for extremely overwrought and purple writing, but a talent nonetheless.

And finally, Most Obvious Troll goes to:

To Love Another Soul by Writer of Eryn Lasgalen

This one probably won’t surprise many people.  Not only did the author write a fic that turned into an incredibly obvious troll right at the end (in that the author flat out says it’s a troll), but she also teamed up with KittyNoodle to troll the library with it.   Hats off to you, Eryn, you got us good.  Let us reward your successful trolling by giving you this award for pulling one over.

Thanks again to all our voters who helped with today’s ceremony, and thanks to all our readers in general who humor us by reading all, or at least some, of the millions of words we’ve put out over the years.  Here’s to another year of bad fics, egregious author insertions, and over-the-top Mary Sues!


55 Comments on “Fourth Annual Sucktastic Awards Ceremony”

  1. Tie Dye Mage says:

    It seems that Subject 23 and A Jedi’s Destiny got the most flack. And for good reasons.

    • SC says:

      Oh, they were very good reasons.

      Like, Jedi’s Destiny? I’ve never before asked about a riff I’ve missed out on and been told, “DON’T READ IT.” That’s all my proof right there that it was bad.

  2. infinity421 says:

    The Squick Award goes to:

    Jasmine cumslut for being basically nothing but a long line of EP writing down fetishes without even having the decency to make it sexy.

    Haha! YES! I bloody knew this one would win it!

  3. "Lyle" says:

    Yay, my duck was the lamest! Good show, everyone!

  4. SC says:

    I’ll have you know that Kitty was not the only one Eryn teamed up with!

    Actually, she contacted me first, and then I told Kitty about it.

    But hey, Kitty was the one who riffed it, so no worries.


    Honorable mentions to both Life with Raptors and Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors as they were both very close behind in votes.

    *Or very far. Hard telling with those squiggly timelines of threirs.

    At least I got an honorable mention this time! That leaves me with very confusing thoughts about whether I appreciate the almost victory or not, though. I mean, a fic I think is awful almost won something, how am I supposed to feel good about that?!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Hmm. Looks like I managed to pick ’em reasonably well this time around, although I do have one lingering question:

    Who the hell keeps reading ‘Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity’??????????

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And it looks like A Jedi’s Destiny wins the unofficial “Worst Fic” award. And unlike previous years, it won with a whopping five wins, instead of the usual four.

    That’s a new record of wins for a single fic within one year, folks! Let us never hope we find a fic that horrible again.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Which reminds me, I really need to get off my doughy, khaki-covered behind and work on those Crisis: Africa process docs.

      If, you know, other people are still interested in making that story.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Knowing our luck, Herr…

      Knowing our fucking luck…

    • TacoMagic says:

      If I never have to do a fic that absolutely horrible again, it’ll be way too soon.

      But, at least I got a good stolen character (SC?) out of the deal. Actually, between both Jedi’s Destiny fics, I’ve pulled 3 out of 4 of the recurring characters I’ve used in riffing. 2 out of 3 if you don’t count Marckus. And Crunchy is debatable since he was inspired by the first fic, but is otherwise original.

  7. GhostCat says:

    YES! Gaston and Beast for worst romance! I was hoping they would win, because … ugh. Terrible “romantic” plot.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I initially did not vote for BWTB for romance because the romance Stubject 23 had more sexism and mutant chimp-turians. But I’ve come to reconsider, mostly because BWTB depends, entirely on romance to even exist… and still can’t get it right.

  8. agigabyte says:

    Cain: I was hoping for a win in some category by Teen Fortress 2. Then again, I am a bit biased, and you guys didn’t get to see the last chapter.

    Goddess: Oh God, the last chapter. [B]*Shudders*[/b]

    • TacoMagic says:

      Guest riff series tend to get a little bit of the short end of the stick in the awards. This is probably due in part to the “first submit, first post” policy which breaks up series of riffs on a single fic so that they don’t always happen on a weekly basis.

      From past awards, the fics that win the most are really bad, really long, and have weekly riff postings. My theory is that the weekly reinforcement helps to burn it into the memory better than fics with sporadic update schedules. This is also why one-shots don’t win nearly as many awards.

  9. parrish122 says:

    I bet that if EP ever learns of this, that he’ll start promoting his story as “award winning”. Just without mentioning what the awards were.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Nah, he’ll just call me a troll like he’s taken to doing more recently. More to the point, he’ll probably do it on Facebook, too…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        It still amazes me that EP is not writing this stuff trying to be offensive. I initially did not want you to even review any of his ‘fics because I thought he was like the MLP shockfic authors and would enjoy having his work popularized and knowing that it offended people… but apparently he is entirely serious and takes criticism even harder than most other authors we feature.

      • SC says:

        His real issue is that he’s so blind to how bad his work really is, that anytime anybody calls him out on it, he gets mad and lashes out at them rather than trying to fix it. And unlike most other authors, who tend to get it after a while, HE NEVER HAS.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          I’m not sure that it’s that he’s so blind to it, as much as it is that he’s just too stupid to understand the problem. Not to mention too stubborn to see it. Deadly combination right there.

  10. neji7hyuga says:

    I looked through which fics won, and there’s two I want to comment on-

    Weirdest Crossover goes to:

    FaCe ThE StRaNgE for being a cross of Harry Potter, Twilight, Yu Yu Hakusho, Sonic the Hedgehog, Legend of Zelda, Naruto, and Nightmare Before Christmas.

    That does sound weird. Though I can imagine someone can make a good story out of that kind of mega-crossover. Though I wouldn’t try to do it myself, much too advanced of a level for me to try to do so. A normal crossover is hard enough…Ninja Chronicles Halo should be proof enough on why I have taken a bit of a break from trying any crossovers in general for a bit.

    And I know that because I have done something like that before. My sense of shame wouldn’t let me keep it on the internet. It was 21 chapters long.

    Worst Trivialization goes to:

    Jasmine cumslut for sex trafficking

    Not a promising title, and I am not wanting to even look at the text of the story for fear that I will see something disgusting.

    And the trivialization of sex trafficking is indeed very bad, it’s bad to trivialize any serious issue in general.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Not a promising title, and I am not wanting to even look at the text of the story for fear that I will see something disgusting.

      That is not entirely accurate. If you were to look at the ext of Jasmine Cumslut, you would in fact see many, many disgusting things.

    • TacoMagic says:

      There are only a handful of Riffs that we tell people that they’re probably better off not reading. Jasmine Cumslut tops that list.

      Also on the list: Gabriel Hawke, Jedi’s Destiny (the second one with Buster in it), A Cave Story unabridged, and, despite its apparent popularity, Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity.

      There are a few others as well, but I’m drawing a blank.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Also, we have a logo!

  12. Delta XIII says:

    Kinda unrelated, but I just came back here and HOLY SHIT NEW BACKGROUND AND NEW BANNER WHAT?!

  13. erttheking says:

    Oh, Subject 23 came SO close to winning the worst fic of the year, but I guess you can’t really compete with Lion’s that form a nation by hitting a greek thing, go to war with Nazis and become semi-human (I think) because Blue. Oh and racism and labor camps. Say what you will about Subject 23, at least he wasn’t a position to declare himself dictator.

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