1098: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Six, Part TwoPosted: July 6, 2015
Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by Lyle
Welcome back, trusty patrons, to the second half of S&W:R. Koori hasn’t come back yet, but I wouldn’t put it past her to slip in unannounced at some point during today’s riff. I’ll go ahead and get started after a brief recap since there’s no point in waiting for her to arrive.
Last time Harry-Sue and Ryu-Stu both made the Quidditch team because they’re awesome. Some other students who did not make the team implied that Harry-Sue got the position because she’s sleeping with the team, even though they were present when they watched her wipe the floor with them in try-outs, proving that she won her position fair and square. But we have to have some sort of drama because Harry is a Sue and it’s supposed to add tension, or something.
That’s really all that happened. Let’s get cracking!
I know we gripe and gripe and gripe, but there are so many better ways of indicating a time skip. Such as starting the next paragraph with “A few months later, at the beginning of October, blah blah blah blah.”
Jade smiled deviously as she and Ryu snuck out of their dorm room leaving Naruto sound asleep, and met up with the Weasley’s and Hermione downstairs in the common room “Why did you have us wake up so early?” Ron complained between yawns “What could be so important as to wake us up at such an ungodly hour on when we have classes in…” He looked at the clock “Five hours!”
Typically, classes in a school such as this would start anywhere between 8 and 9am. Which means they are awake at 3 to 4am.
“Naruto’s birthday tomorrow,” Ryu explained quietly as everyone stiffened “We’ve never been able to give him a big party before and we want to be able to celebrate it properly for once.”
*slides Ryu a redemption cookie*
That’s for knowing Naruto’s birthday is in October.
Koori: October 10th, to be exact.
Jesus! Make some noise!
Koori: I made noise when I spoke. *sits down in her chair and sets Hiru’s jar on the desk* I hope I’m not too late to join in?
No, you’re fine. We just started. Did you have a good trip home?
Koori: As well as could be. Papa was not too impressed with Hiru.
*pats Koori’s shoulder* I’m sure he’ll come around.
The group looked confused at his words but nodded all the same “So what we need you two to do is…” Jade started as she whispered their plan to the pair with smirk that the twins mimicked “So you guys understand your roles?” She asked smirking as everyone nodded before the headed off “I hope this works.”
Koori: That’s a lot of smirking.
I’ve got an intern job for you.
Koori: It had better not be that honey badger again.
No, nothing like that. I need you to go slip this into Taco’s coffee. *hands Koori an unlabeled sachet of powder*
Koori: I’m not poisoning your brother for you.
It’s a just a mild sedative. Although if the smirking continues, we might have to get Swenia involved.
Koori: Understood. *poofs out of the room in a swirl of leaves*
*glances at her now leaf-covered floor* Fuckin’ Konoha shinobi.
Anyway, so everyone leaves to get ready for the day, even though it’s 4am and going back to bed would have been a better idea.
The next day, evening
That’s really starting to get on my nerves. Why do authors think that’s a good idea?!
Naruto frowned as that persistent tingling sensation he felt all day returned in full force as he walked up the stairs to the common room, with today being his birthday he had spent the majority of the day away from everyone as was his custom, sure he had celebrated his birthday with Jade, Ryu and Sarutobi-jiji before, but that was normally in the hospital after being chased and beaten by a drunken mob, ever since the incident three years ago where Jade and Ryu attempted to defend him he decided to disappear on his birthday. He knew no one knew about the Kyuubi here, but old habits die hard “Wattlebird.” He said tonelessly to the Fat Lady ignoring his flaring danger senses as she saw him smirk and swing open to a tremendous shout of “SURPRISE!” Nearly bowling him over before a grinning Jade and Ryu dragged the petrified blond into the common room.
Koori: I’m still not sure what this author is thinking when it comes to Naruto’s backstory. He was emotionally ostracized, not physically attacked.
Koori: You’re awfully jumpy today, Miss Lyle.
I’m going to have to put a bell on you.
Anyway, Koori does bring up a good point. Ryu seems convinced that the villagers of Konoha are evil the point of attacked a small child. Many of them are not initially very nice to him but it is more of a social shunning. He is never injured.
Back to the story, Naruto gets a huge cake and is very surprised. We get a rehashing from Harry-Sue about how they wanted to give him a good party and that the entirety of the Gryffindor House decided to get involved.
Naruto stared in shock at the gathered crowd as tears started welling up in his eyes “T-thanks guys,” he whispered softly as he wiped the tears away “It means a lot.”
Koori: Considering how emotional Naruto is, he really should carry some handkerchiefs with him.
It’s canon, at least.
Koori: For the most part.
Jade and Ryu pulled him into a hug “What’s a family for Naruto-kun?” Jade asked rhetorically “Now you better blow out those candles, ’cause I want some cake!”
Naruto laughed as he turned to the cake and blew hard leaving a single candle untouched “You know what that means bro,” Ryu teased “Ya got a girlfriend you not telling us about?”
I’m honestly unfamiliar with the meaning behind Ryu’s words. In my experience, failing to blow out all your candles means you don’t get your birthday wish. Koori?
Koori: I don’t care for cake. Father usually bakes me a pie for my birthday.
Fair enough. Readers? If any of you know what he’s talking about, feel free to enlighten us.
A certain pale eyed kunoichi sneezed vioently in the middle of her spar with with Kiba spraying him with snot.
Koori: I doubt Hinata would be so rude to snot all over Kiba. She would pause her fighting to cover her sneeze, especially if it was a friendly bout with a cell-mate.
I swear, if this author keeps doing that I’m going to shove a fish where the sun don’t shine.
Naruto sputtered as he violently denied the accusation to the laughter of the common room and started to get swamped with gifts, while most of them where candy and such from the collected Gryffindor students he received more meaningful gifts from his friends, Ron had gotten him a wizard chess set, the twins gave him a large supply of pranking objects, most of them banned from the school, Percy, in addition to ignoring the twins gift, had given him a book on Herbology that contained information on some of the more dangerous plants in the wizarding world, Ginny shyly handed the blond a book on antidotes before blushing and scampering away Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had sent him a tin of Mrs. Weasley’s fudge along with a card saying they were always welcome at their home, Hermione had given him a book containing large scale charms and counter curses.
Daybook gift giving! Other than the fact that this is one huge run-on sentensograph, there really is nothing wrong with what everyone gave Naruto. Considering Harry-Sue is taken by Author-Ryu, I guess Ginny needs another love interest so she’s getting thrown at Naruto. I’d like to know where the Weasley children got the money to give Naruto such fine gifts, though.
Koori: Selling organs on the black market.
Koori: I read an article about it online. People can sell human internal organs on the black market for money.
I truly doubt that’s what the children did to afford the gifts.
Koori: Drug trafficking, then.
You need to lay off the Google.
Take a deep breathe everyone, we’ve another sentencograph incoming.
Teuchi and Ayame had sent the blond a packet of coupons for free ramen at their stand while Sarutobi had sent a set of gleaming Kunai that were guaranteed to never dull or brake while Hachi had sent a blond a scroll containing several shadow clone based jutsus that had him jumping for joy, It was his adoptive families gifts that affected him the most however as Ryu handed him a package that had Naruto’s eyes widening when he opened it revealing a brand spanking new wakazashi that Ryu forged himself short before coming to Hogwarts and had actually managed to not only incorporate several seals into it but a couple of Charms he had found useful guaranteeing the quality of the blade for generations to come, Jade handed him a scroll containing several fuuton jutsus she had secretly swiped from the library. The party was still going when midnight rolled around the corner forcing McGonagall to barge in shouting about the fact they needed to be in bed and enforcing the fact as well, but not before slipping Naruto a box of Honeydukes best chocolates along with a note saying it was from the staff of Hogwarts.
That’s two sentences, time time. Holy shit.
Koori: Wait a moment. Ryu forged a sword? A twelve year old made a sword?
There’s so much fail here, Koori. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Koori: Oh, does this mean we can make a list?
You’ve been doing your research! *wheels out the chalkboard* Would you like to do the honors, or shall I?
Koori: *grabs the chalk* Allow me!
1.) A twelve year old forging a well-made blade is about as realistic as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man actually Attacking New York City.
2.) Unless that kunai is diamond edged, it will dull. Kunai, being made of steel, do not typically break, however, so saying he was given one that wouldn’t break is stating the obvious.
3.) Japanese is not pluralized. Ever. That should read jutsu.
4.) If he forged the sword before coming to Harry Potter Land, how did he put charms into it? If they were added later, it should be said as such. The way it is worded it makes it sound like he put the charms on during the forging stage, which would have happened before he knew any magic.
5.) What library did she steal those from? I doubt the Hogwart’s library, not even the Restricted Section, would have shinobi jutsu scrolls.
6.) Why in the name of the Nine-Tail would the staff of Hogwarts get Naruto a box of chocolate? Did every single teacher chip in to buy it? Let’s see here… Runes, Arithmancy, Muggle Studies, History of Magic, Herbology, Potions, Care of Magical Creatures, Divination, Transfiguration, Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts… plus the Headmaster, the groundskeeper, and Filch. That would be a staff of 14. A box of Russell Stover’s costs about 8 American dollars, or just over 5 British pounds. One wizarding galleon is about 5 British pounds, so the cost of a box of chocolate would be about one golden galleon. 1/14 of a golden galleon would be approximately 35 brass knuts, each. It isn’t an exact exchange rate so the numbers are not precise, but let’s face it: 8 fourteen ways means that the teachers put a little over fifty cents into the gift pot. Are we supposed to see this is a touching gesture? It sounds like they’re a bunch of cheapskates to me.
Koori: How was that?
I’m so proud of you. *wipes away a tear*
The party ends and Team Stu shares a “touching” moment in their dorm where they tell each other that they’re family and that they’ll always do things for each other, blah blah blah boring. They all three fall asleep on one bed.
*silently stands up and walks out of the office*
Koori: Uhm, Miss Lyle? Where are you going? *looks around awkwardly for a moment* I guess it’s up to me right now. *clears throat* Next sentencograph.
The next morning not very many people got up early in the Gryffindor Tower as a result of the celebrations from last night, although Naruto did wake up earlier than usual and slipped out of the room leaving Ryu and Jade be as they slipped closer together unconsciously, opening the portrait door he apologized to the Fat Lady for waking her and ghosted down the stairs heading to the Great Hall hoping to get some breakfast as his mind whirled from memories from last night ‘Is this what it means to have friends?‘ Naruto wondered to himself as he walked ‘I’ve never had a celebration like that before, so many people giving me gifts, even if they didn’t know me, is that what it means to be accepted?‘
Koori: Yes, Naruto. I would think that was obvious.
He sighed heavily before freezing his sharp senses catching the scent of something unfamiliar, and foreign to the castle, his ears twitching as he caught the sounds of a snakes hiss and slithering, he frowned, snakes weren’t allowed as pets on the school premise, closing his eyes he concentrated on the sounds only to frown as they had faded away “Weird.” He muttered before continuing on his way only to freeze again as he rounded the corner and caught sight of Mr. Filch’s cat Mrs. Norris hanging from a torch bracket by her tail with the words ‘THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE’ emblazoned on the wall above her.
Koori: Wait a second…
*grabs her copy of The Chamber of Secrets and flips through the pages*
Koori: Naruto’s birthday is October 10th. According to that needless scene note at the beginning of this part, it is only the next day: October 11th. The scene in which Mrs. Norris is petrified happens on All Hallow’s Eve, when the children are returning from the Halloween Feast in the Great Hall. That’s a difference of 20 days.
*grabs a copy of the Dictionary of the Damned*
Koori: According to this, I believe I have found my first timeswiggle.
*cross-checks her references*
Koori: Yes, I’m positive I’m right. This is a timeswiggle. Bad author!
“Holy Crap!” He cursed in shock at the sight before him before quickly forming a pair of bunshins, one to get his teammates, and the other to het a teacher.
Koori: Crap is a curse word. There is no need to state that he cursed when you actually write out the swear. That’s just redun-
*peeks into the hallway then slowly retreats, shutting the door firmly*
Koori: So that’s what Ishi-sensei was talking about. I think I’ll be safe to ignore it for now. My calligraphy is embarrassing.
Later, Medical Wing
Koori: Miss Lyle usually twitches at this point. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to follow suit.
*attempts an over-exaggerated twitch*
A small group had gathered around the frozen stiff Norris as Dumbledore inspected the frozen stiff cat. The group consisted of Madam Pomfrey, Snape, McGonagall, Lockhart, who was spouting off rubbish as usual, Mr. Filch who was heaving dry sobs for his cat and the three genin shinobi, Ryu himself was inspecting the cat himself as well with a seal on the back of his hand as it glowed with green chakra “Nothing is wrong with her physically,” Ryu muttered in confusion “It’s similar to a stasis seal, but I see no chakra around her coils that would signify the use of one.”
Koori: Visible chakra. He’s using visible chakra. *presses her lips into a thin line* A twelve year old is using mother-fucking visible chakra!
Koori: And of course Ryu discovers that Mrs. Norris isn’t dead, instead of it being Dumbledore! And nevermind that this scene didn’t even take place in the infirmary! It happened in the hallway where Mrs. Norris was found! Has this author even read the books? I read the books! I even watched the movies, and while they were rife with missing information, they still followed the general outline of the books! This is unacceptable! This is just the author trying to make his own character look more badass by being better at everything than anyone else around him-
*Lyle walks back in and presses a mug of steaming tea into Koori’s hands*
Koori: *takes a gulp* Chamomile?
For calming. Feel better?
Koori: A little.
Good. Now help me shove this dead fish up the author’s ass. *holds up a herring*
*Koori and Lyle leave the office*
*Hiru lifts the lid of his jar and peeks out*
Hiru: Well, I say. They seem to have forgotten that they were in the middle of something. I shall finish this as there is not much left. Yes, quite. I think that shall do just fine. Basically, there is some plot regurgitation in the way of Professor Lockhart claiming the cat is dead, then being corrected by Dumbledore. He tries to save face, no one pays him any attention, Dumbledore mentions the mandrakes, and then Ryu suggests that he be allowed to look up some seals in one of his books in order to be useful. All rubbish, if you ask me. Not that anyone does. No one asks the leech. *harrumphs* Dumbledore, because he values the input of an untested twelve year old to that of, say, Madam Pomfrey, our most excellent witch-nurse, is grateful to the little Stu for his offer to find a way to “unseal” the petrification. Snape then asks the Team Stu if they will give him a list of shinobi medicines and herbs so that he might be able to use them in finding a cure for Mrs. Norris. All this despite the fact that there is a perfectly serviceable cure growing in Professor Sprout’s greenhouses, if you ask me. But no one ever asks the leech, now do they? No, they don’t. We end the chapter with Naruto telling Dumbledore about hearing a snake before finding Mrs. Norris. I hate snakes; nasty things. Not like anyone ever asks me, though. Not the leech.
Hiru: Oh, yes, now that was quite necessary given that we are at the bottom of the page. It wasn’t in the slightest bit redundant to put that there-
Hiru: And of course no one will come in here to see if I want to partake in the poetry contest with the DRD. I’m just a leech in a jar. Leeches don’t do poetry, right? How would you know? Did you ever ask a leech? No, of course not. No one ever asks the leech. *harrumps*