1097: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Seven

Title: Teen Fortress 2
Author:  MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video Game
Topic: Team Fortress
Genre: Drama / Family
URL: Chapter Seven
Critiqued by agigabyte’s Riffleet crew

Cain: *Sigh*

Captain Dakota Dighe: Sir? What’s wrong?

Cain: Just thinking about having to review this next chapter. This is your first assignment in the Riffleet, so you don’t know what it’s like. Especially this troll. With the promise of the return of someone we all despise. Marissa. Oh boy, here we go.

Chapter 7: THE NEW GIRL

AN OK GUYZ IVE BEEN THINKIN AN A GUY NAME LOGIC EDTOR WANTS TO EDIT MY STORY AN MAKE IT MORE BETTER. BUT I SEED LOTS OF TV SHOWS WERE THEY CHANG STUFF THEN PEPOLE DONT LICK IT NO MORE SO I WAS WORRY BOUT THE CHANGES THEN I HAD IDEEA! I WILL PUT BOTH TEH UNCUT AN UNSENSORED VERSHUN AN LOGIC CORRECSHUN SO YOU CAN DESIDE WICH ONE YOU LIKE YURSELF!

EVRYONE WINS!

THIS IS THE UNCUT AN UNSENSORED VERSON NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE LOGIKS EDITS.

Not a Verb Counter: 38

Cain: This person had significantly better grammar than Marissa, so I was tempted to just do that instead. However, I am dedicated enough to push through.

TEEN FORTRESS 2

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE NEW GIRL

It had been a weke sense the kill of Principal GLaDOS an we had a new princepal named Business Man hoo was cool an rote stories an stuff. Sniper an me was walkin to school when all of sudden Solder flied in on his rocket gun with cry in his feces. This was supper shockin since I never seen Solder cry ever

Not a Verb Counter: 40

Dakota: Sir? I am reading that right, correct? Marissa did just write:

Solder flied in on his rocket gun with cry in his feces.

I’m not hallucinating, am I? Please tell me I’m hallucinating.

Cain: No, Captain, you are not, sadly.

Dakota: Damn.

FLASHBACK

We was playin baseball at jim class an I stepped up to bat with Marrissa. Solder was pichin the balls an I batted them with lick a 3000 average wen his shoo untied. Solder bended down to tie but I batted ball to soon an it hit hims butt an impacted his anus. “SOLDER IM SOOOOOO SORRY!1!” I ran to him for cumfort but he was ok. “Dont worry Scot a reel man like me never cry!”

FLASHBACK OVER

Cain: What? *Grabs diagram* That isn’t how the human body is shaped. One of two things could have happened. Either A. You hit it hard enough that it hit a wall and bounced back to slam into him, or B. He pitches backwards. I find the second one to be more likely.

if Solder was cryin now it must been relay bad news. “Guys Jenny dumbed me”

Not a Verb Counter: 43

Dakota: Oh, don’t worry. You already were dumb.

This was bad becos Jenny an Solder had been goin steady for almost a moth now. “Turns ot she was a spy from British to assinate Mr. Sanpe!” We all o-mouthed wen Solder said that it was big spurise!

Not a Verb Counter: 46

Cain: Moths are not a measurement of time.

“An worst off all: she said that a other guy from British named Harry wents unnercover to an change his looks an name to… WHEATLY! Buty he got amneesha an forgot he was Harry an now no none can find him.” I realiced we hadnt seen Wheatly/Harry in a long tim this was bad.

Not a Verb Counter: 48

Dakota: Are we sure that the amnesia isn’t just a plot device to explain why Harry says “Bloody Soddin Wanker”.

Lieutenant John Jameson: Sirs! Massive wall of text incoming! Permission to fire weapons at it?

Cain: Granted.

John: Firing! *multiple blasts of plasma lance out, breaking the wall of text apart*

“But what bout Mr. Sanpe?” Sniper angryed he didant like Mr. Sanpe an wanted to revnage him with me but we culdant if he was died. “Part of bad news she dumbed me ass oon as she kill him!” Mr. Sanpe was ded an I shulda ben happy but I wasant. I just wanted to revnage him not kill. We walked rest of way with heads on lo.

Not a Verb Counter: 52

Dakota: What?

We walked rest of way with heads on lo.

with heads on lo.

heads on lo.

Cain: I don’t even….

Wen we arrived I o-mouthed in shock there was a new girl! She was super hot an pretty even more than Pyro (but im not a cheeta so I didant thin that way) All the guys was tryin a ask her out an sex her but she just smied an said “Sorry duds Im takin =D” She was walkin wif Caroline carryin a robo ball.

Befour we cold ask hoo the new girl was Gabe Jonson an Ratman ranned up to us wif the rest of Teen Fortress 2!

Not a Verb Counter: 58

*Alarms blare* Marissa Alert! Marissa Alert! All hands brace for impact!

Cain: Jameson, divert power to shields!

*A massive blast of Terribad Particles impacts with the fleet, outright destroying a dozen or so ships, and disabling most others*

CPO Joranda Enyalalia: Admiral! The ship is in terrible shape! We can complete the riff, but the Archon will require heavy repairs!

Cain: Send a message to Sem! Get the Osprey II here, ASAP! Meanwhile, we need to finish this riff! Take us in, half power!

“Guys thats my future dotter Marrissa Roberts we need to help her future!” We o-mouthed but Ingineer made a smartly an said “Dont worry Gabe I just passed my time mashine exams I can build her one reel good.”

Not a Verb Counter: 59

Dakota: I would ask why there’s a time machine class, but this is the school where the Principal is named GLaDoS, people are allowed to carry LMGs, and you only get expelled for rape or attempted rape if the victim is the Principal’s daughter, so I’m not really surprised.

Gabe claped him on the back an we headed for are class befour lunch wen it wold go down.

Histry with Mr. Pursell was boron becos I coldant stop thinkin bout Marrissa an how she was future. Maybe befour she leafed she cold tell me my future an if I was merried Pyro? Ratamn was sittin next to me an lookin happy so I asked “Rutman why yur happy if Cave Jonson exploded yur balls?”

Not a Verb Counter: 66

“Dont worry Scot I replased them with…” An he pulled down his pants an I saw that his man thingys was now too robo balls the space an rick cores! “Balls of steel!” He happied at havin balls a gain an I felt happy to becos not havin balls in a bad thing if yur a guy.

jontron_nightshade_reaction_gif_by_metroid0070-d5gmyks

Not a Verb Counter: 70

Mr. Pursell was drawin pictures of a dog an rabbit solvin criem when the door bustled open wif mad an screemin. I guy wif a mask like batman flowed in an landed it was… SPY! “Guys im sorry bout befour but Caroline is in hooge danger we have to help:” We runned out of the room an I saw Gabe Jonson an the rest of Teen Fortress 2 goin to the jim an ready for a fite.

Not a Verb Counter: 79

Dakota: Wasn’t Spy expelled a few chapters ago?

We got there I saw Marrissa an Caroline an Wheatly the robo ball gettin coronered by THOSE JERK ROBOTS ALTAS AN P-BOBY. Heavy got a determant look on his feces an russianed into the room.

Not a Verb Counter: 82

Cain: Ah, so here we have Marissa’s Scatological tendencies yet again.

“OH NO YOU DONT!” Heevy landed an crushed Atlas an P-Body like sqiwsh so Marrissa an Caroline were safed. “You got heer just in time lol.” Caroline said lolling with happy an relife.

“My name is russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im real fat lol.” Heavy shacked Marrissas hand an she smiled at thim.

Not a Verb Counter: 86

Dakota: He shacked her hand?! Eww!

“These are my frends we all have cool niknames they are Scot, Solder, Spy, Sniper, Demonman, Medik, Ingineer and Pyro an were all called TEEN FORTRESS 2!”

Cain: You got half the names wrong.

“Well little lady I herd you needed a time mashine builted an I passed my time mashine exams so I can help.” Ingineer got to work on makin Marrissa future. “The mashine is compleet!” He happied an Marrissa an Wheatly got into there. But…

Not a Verb Counter: 90

Cain: “makin marissa future”.

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“Marrissa I mad this nettle that gives you powers.” Ingineer said to Marrissa. “No lol I already have them in the future this most be how I gotted them in the first place.” She said in voice lick hevan. “Ok then Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you yull have them.” An he put the nettle in Paroline an she got alls glowy.

Not a Verb Counter: 94

Cain: I imagine a needle would be much better than a nettle.

Then a evel lolling came from the room an it was… CAVE JONSON an a bunch of people hoo look licked Teen Fortress 2 but mad an mean. “I AM CAVE JONSON! GABE JONSONS MORE EVIL TWIN! Aslo I cloned yur friends and made evil ones there called TEEN FORTRESS 2!” I was sooo mad that they stealt are name an was evil wen Teen Fortress 2 was opposed to be the good guys.

Not a Verb Counter: 97

Cain: We’re getting pretty close.

Marrissa an Cave Jonson had a big fite with lots of ackshun an stuff but that all ready happoned in ITS MY LIFE so go reed that first becos this is the seekwill spinnoff so you shold all ready no that. After the pig fight Marrissa flied back in an we all cheered “MARRISSA MARRISSA YAY!”

Not a Verb Counter: 103

Cain: Yep. We got from 38 to 103 in a single chapter. And I’m pretty sure we’ve missed a few.

We all huged her becos she was a hero an then Marrissa went into the mashine with some tendar family moments wif Gabe an Caroloin.

But befour it cold happen there was a gun shoot noise… CARLINE WAS GOT SHOT! Marrissa was staked in the mashine an coldant get out so instade Gabe ran up to Cave the gun man an roundhose kicked his head an it exploded and the bad Teen Fortres 2 ran way! The Medik went up to Caroline but said “Im sorry Gabe but she will dye soon” with tear in eyes. Gbae the most mad ever an say “NOOOOOOOOOOO!11!”

Not a Verb Counter: 107

Dakota: Wait! If Caroline died then this timeline has no Marissa! Yes!

“Gabe… Marrissa… I love you…” An she died. “Carlion I will build you a new robot body an it will be called… GLaDOS in onor of yur dead mother!” Marrissa got send back to the future (lol) an we cryed.

Not a Verb Counter: 109

Cain: I don’t see what’s funny about it, but whatever.

Affer the cryin was done we left the jim, school was canceled do to Caroline dyin an the cheerleeders gettin molestraped by Cave Jonson an the jocks gettin beet up.

Not a Verb Counter: 113

Cain: Deep breaths. Deep, calming breaths. Just imagine destroying Marissa with an entire fleet.

I was walkin bake to Sniper an mes hose when I saw Spy standin at a bridge wif gun hand. “Thanks Spy you are a reel hero.” I telled him but Spy just keept cryin. “No Im not. I was to late an Carlnie is kill. She was my tru love an I cant life without her.” Spy helded up the gun. “No Spy Gabe said he can rebuild!” But Spy didant care.

“Then shell be Gabes for evar.” He frenched an pull trigger an blood an branes wnet everywere it was sooo gross. A copple was havin a picknick below an the blood an branes went all on them so thru up. Now I had got home an tell Sniper the sad news…

Not a Verb Counter: 125

TO BE CONTINUED

THAT WAS A REEL SAD CHAPTER I THINK NEXT ON WILL BE MORE HAPPIED AN FUNNY MAYBE ITLL BE BOUT MEDIK ORE SOMETHIN?

Cain: Please, no. Don’t do it! I’ll riff anything! Anything but that!

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5 Comments on “1097: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Seven”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Dakota: Wait! If Caroline died then this timeline has no Marissa! Yes!

    “Gabe… Marrissa… I love you…” An she died. “Carlion I will build you a new robot body an it will be called… GLaDOS in onor of yur dead mother!” Marrissa got send back to the future (lol) an we cryed.

    Actually, some forms of time travel have an odd property that I’ve personally started referring to as “causal orphaning”, wherein any number of objects and people that might have existed, but didn’t, can emerge from a time machine completely spontaneously (at least from the perspective of the worldline they came into).

    This SCP Foundation article explains it with pictures: http://www.scp-wiki.net/exit-history (second divider)

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I batted them with lick a 3000 average

    Meaning that every time he threw a ball, it split into three identical balls and she hit all of them.

  3. agigabyte says:

    I’ve created 3 OC’s over the course of this riff. Wow.

  4. agigabyte says:

    In other news, Sadielover1470 has deleted Talkfest.


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