1091: Tangled: alternative story – Chapters Eight, Nine, and Ten

Title: Tangled: alternative story
Author: BionicDragonSpirit
Media: Movie
Topic: Tangled
Genre: Romance / Humor
URL: Chapter eight
Critiqued by Lyle

Good morning, everyone!  Welcome back to “Tangled: alternative story.”  Last time we read through this, we discovered that the Kingdom of Corona has running water and electricity, but there was some confusion if pushups had been invented yet.  We experienced some stale romance and our protagonists snuggled.  That’s about it.

This week I’ll be going it alone.  Koori received word that her family’s new home has been built and she went back to help her dads and brother decorate.  She’ll be back next week, most likely.

Now, before we begin I have to fix this counter.  Koori was a little button-pressy and didn’t understand the rules yet about keeping counters within their own fics.

*tinker-tinker*

Obviously Oblivious: 6

I changed the name, too, so we can use it to cover both character obliviousness and author obliviousness.

Hey guys… Thanks for the reviews, I guess. Anyway, Chapter eight, Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: Refer to previous chapters

51862234

I know we always harp on the authors for author’s notes, but seriously.  If you’re going to put up a pre-chapter note, at least put some fucking effort into it!

The author continues to master the <hr> tag, which is fantastic.  There’s one between every section.

Flynn’s POV (From now on I’m gonna write everything in POV’s)

NO!  No, no, no, no, no!

There are better ways to indicate who’s point of view it is!  And now this fucking piece of shit is in first person!  YARG!

*flails around with her sledgehammer*

You know, I’ve only seen switched perspective where it tells you the POV done well in three cases.

1.) George R.R. Martin does it in the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series (Game of Thrones, for those who go by the television show’s title).  He writes in third person, though, not in first.  Instead of chapter numbers he just puts the name of the character you’re following for that chapter.  It works really well with how many characters he has and how detailed and complex his story is.

2.) “Song in the Silence,” by Elizabeth Kerner.  She does something similar, although some of the chapters are first person and some are 3rd.  It is based on the character.

3.) “The Troy Games” series by Sara Douglas.  She also uses character perspective for chapter names.  Like Martin, she has a lot going on in her books and this helps the reader know who they will be following.  It’s been a while but I think she also uses 1st and 3rd based on which character you’re following.  The books are so good that you can easily ignore the fact that she’s essentially used POV tag.

I’ve never seen this done successfully in a fanfic.  If your stories are so basic that an amoeba can follow along, and you only have two fucking characters, don’t use gods-be-damned POV tags.  Use your narrative like a big girl.

I took out an apple from my satchel that I always had. I was about to take a bite when Rapunzel came in. She sat down in front of me, her eyes staring intensely at me. I took a bite and looked back at her, soon it turned into a staring contest (I still don’t know if anything physical from now existed back then, so… Yeah). “What do you want, Blondie?” I asked, breaking eye contact and taking another bite from my apple.

*twitch*

And what the fuck does that even mean?  First of all, keep your damned author’s notes out of the narrative.  Secondly, do you think they didn’t have eyes back then?  A staring contest is hardly a physical activity!  Did they have staring contests back then?  Probably.  Does it matter?  No, it doesn’t.  This author’s note just points out how utterly oblivious you are about your own story!

*smacks counter*

Obviously Oblivious: 7

Koori is going to be so disappointed that she wasn’t here to hit the counter.

“Just making sure you haven’t snuck out and disappeared” said Blondie. “Why would I?” I asked, cradling the half eaten apple in my hands. “Cause you’re a thief as my father said” said Blondie, eyeing me in a weird way. “Being a thief doesn’t mean I’ll run off just like that” I retorted, leaning back on to the chair that I was sitting on. “And why is that?” asked Blondie, I had to admit, I didn’t know how to answer her. “I don’t break a promise” I lied, taking a bite from my apple aggressively. “You didn’t make a promise” said Rapunzel, I mentally cursed.

What’s wrong with the excuse of him having it good to the point where he doesn’t need to be a thief anymore?  He gets to live in a big palace, follow around a pretty woman, and I’m pretty sure he’s eating better than he’s eaten in years.  There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Well, I’ve decided to give up thieving.  I like it here and I have no reason to leave.”

I stayed silent, taking one last bite from my apple before throwing it away. “Hey!” shouted Blondie. “What?” I asked, chewing my apple. “This is a royal castle. You don’t throw food around like that!” shouted Goldie, making me wince at the volume of her sound. “I’m sorry! I don’t live in these kinds of places, I’m a thief. I live where ever I go” I said, standing up.

Not all thieves are wandering vagabonds, ya know.  Many have dens or homes they return to when they’re done with whatever they’re stealing.  I won’t be too hard on this, though, since it never specifies that Eugene has a permanent home.

Well, with that we get a POV change and an <hr> tag.

Rapunzel’s POV

I swear I wanted to whack him with my frying pan, He’s getting on my nerves but somehow, I can’t get enough of his playfulness (call it whatever you want, I’m sticking with playfulness). “Fine, just don’t do that anymore” I said, crossing my arms. “Whatever, Blondie” he said, I tried hard to stop a smile forming. We stayed silent for awhile until my father came in. “Rapunzel…” my father called, I looked up at him and asked: “Yes?”, still sitting down.

I’m tempted to smack the author with a frying pan.  Seriously, leave your comments out of the story.  Playfulness is a bad bit of word-choice but it isn’t horrible.  Cheek would have been a better word to use there.  But you don’t have to qualify you using a bad word by telling us you’re going to use it whether we want you to, or not.  That’s just sloppy.

Also, rude much when her father comes in.  Typically, even if you’re the crown heir of the throne, you stand when the King or Queen enter the room.  Or you grovel, or bow, or whatever the culture dictates you do.  Flynn at least should be bowing and Rapunzel should stand up to curtsey to her father.

“Your mother and I are going for another business trip. We will be gone for two weeks” he declared, making me nod. “…And we leave tomorrow” he finished, making me nod again. “I trust her to you, Flynn Rider” he said, eyeing Flynn dangerously. “I’ll care for her…” he said, mumbling something after. “Good, now we will leave early in the morning so we might not be in the castle in the morning” he said, hold both my arms with his hands. “Ok, have a safe trip. See you in two weeks” I said, prying off his hold and hugging him.

Wut.

Wut.

Business trip. The King and Queen of Corona are going on a business trip.  BDS has no idea if the people of Corona have eyes or partake in staring contests, but she’s totally okay with calling a diplomatic journey a “business trip.”  And she  doesn’t even question that business trips aren’t around during the time period she’s writing in.

*smack*

Obviously Oblivious: 8

I slowly released him from my embrace and let him walk away. “Under my care again, I see?” said Flynn, making me turn around. “Listen, Rider. I can take care of myself” I said, pointing a finger at him. “Then what’s the use of hiring a personal bodyguard?” he questioned, leaning into his chair. I sighed. I could feel my face growing a little bit hot. “Uhh, Blondie… Why is your face red?” asked Flynn, raising an eyebrow at me. My hands flew up to my face to feel it was very hot. “Nothing, now if you excuse me…” I said slowly, before walking out the door.

o-DOG-YAWNING-facebook

I leaned against the closed door. I touched my cheek again and wondered what I just did. My train of thought was soon broken by a hand touching my shoulder. I turned around fast, my hair whacking whoever it was. Then I realized it was Flynn. “Oh! I’m so sorry” I knelt down and looked at him. He was cradling his face. “I’m okay” He said, slowly standing up.

When Rapunzel spins in a circle, her hair wraps around her body.  It’s too long to whip.  She would have to be spinning like a centrifuge to get up enough speed to lift that much hair from the ground.

Oh, look.  Back to Flynn.

Flynn’s POV

I swear I heard a crack when Rapunzel’s hair hit me. I shrugged it off and just cradled my face. “Oh! I’m so sorry” I heard Rapunzel say. “I’m okay” I said, standing up. “Are you sure?” she asked. “Yeah, I’m sure” I said, letting go of my face. I blink repeatedly, trying to clear my vision. Everything soon became clear for me… but a bit too clear. I looked at Rapunzel and my eyesight suddenly picked up each and every detail off her face. Her emerald green eyes, her soft, pale skin and especially her thin, soft lips, my heart suddenly skipped a beat.

grumpy-cat-yawning-gif

I don’t think I’ve ever been so disinterested in the development of romance.  This thing is so utterly stale.  Maybe Koori’s right and we should make croutons from this.

I shook my head and my vision became normal. “Uhh… Flynn?” Rapunzel said making me focus my vision on her and asked: “Yeah?” looking into her eyes. “What are you doing?” she asked, confusing me. I took me a few seconds to realize I was touching her lips. I instantly pulled away my hands, my face turning hot.

How could you be unaware that you’re pawing at her face?  I’m calling shenanigans on that one.

*smack*

Obviously Oblivious: 9

“I’m sorry” I said, after awhile, avoiding eye contact with her. She didn’t reply so we stood there silently. “Anyway, I decided to go to the market again” she finally said. “When?” I asked, looking up at her. “Now” she replied, dragging me with her.

I really don’t like this Rapunzel.  She’s so damn bossy.

That’s the end of this chapter and we get a line break and another author’s note.

Heyyyy… Sorry for the late update. Hadn’t had time to write, I was gone for a vacation in Singapore. Anyway, Chapter 8 is finally done. R&R&Bye.

We really don’t care where you went for vacation.  And whenever I go on vacation, I bring a notebook and still manage to find some time to jot a few things down.  I can understand not having access to the internet in which to upload the story, but I spent 4 weeks in Australia at one point and still wrote chapters while there.  You have no excuse, BDS.

Now, since chapter nine is super short, we’ll be tackling it as well today.  I get the feeling we’re about ready to jump a great white with how boring the story has been.  The author has probably run out of ideas.  Let’s see what happens in the market.

Hey guys, to make up for the late update, here’s chapter five.

Disclaimer: Refer to previous chapters

*slow blink*

This is chapter nine, dipshit.  Something like this is such a basic mistake, and an incredibly embarrassing one, that you’d think BDS would have gone back and fixed it.  But nope.  Here it sits, four chapters off.

Flynn’s POV

Goodie.

Leaning against the post of the stall Rapunzel was in, I looked at her trailing hair. The more I looked the farther my eyes travelled just to see her hair. I was surprised that it hadn’t got dirty or something yet. I shrugged off the thought as Rapunzel called me to move to another stall. I followed her voluntarily, leaning against the new pole. The day dragged on and so did Rapunzel’s hair, I swear I’m going to cut that hair when I get the chance.

Rapunzel is in a stall?  Is she selling something?  That’s an odd way for the monarchy to fill the royal treasury.

The day is dragging on like this story is dragging on.  Any slower and I’d assume it was about zombies.

“Blondie, you’ve been to every stall and you haven’t even bought one thing!” I whined, making her stop in her tracks. “I haven’t been to every stall” she said before stopping in front of yet another stall. “Now I’ve been to every stall” she said before examining the goods. I looked down at her and groan silently before looking at the shopkeeper.

Apparently Eugene is not familiar with browsing for the sake of browsing.  You can go shopping without any intention to make a purchase.  That’s how I am with thrift stores.  I don’t go in expecting to find something I have to buy but it’s still fun to look through things.  You never know what you’ll find.  For me that’s usually books and neat mugs but Mr. Lyle and I once got two perfectly good rolling suitcases for $14 total price.

He was rather big and bulky, he intimidated me a lot. Then I realized we were at a butcher’s shop. Wait… Didn’t Tim and Keith say they had a third brother? I thought and examined the butcher again. He resembled the two brothers, my heart then skipped a beat. The butcher was brandishing his butcher knife, which had the engravings of the two brothers’. I gulped.

The two brothers’ what?  Names?  Profiles?  Favorite sayings?

“Hey, haven’t I seen you before?” asked the butcher, eyeing me curiously. “Uhh… You must be mistaken; my name is Eugene, Eugene Fitzherbert” I said, rubbing the nape of my neck. “Eugene Fitzherbert, aye? Huh, funny name you’ve got there. My name’s George” he said, while cleaning his butcher knife. Shoot, it is him… I thought. “Hey, Flynn, let’s go” said Rapunzel, making my heart skip a beat and George’s eyes twinkle with amusement. “Flynn… as in Flynn Rider, the one who killed my brothers” said George, a wicked grin on his face. “Rapunzel… run” I said, pushing her while quickly gathering her hair. “Why?” she asked, I didn’t reply but instead, put her long her over her head. “Hey!” she said before I picked her up bridal style.

Technically, he didn’t kill your brothers.  He knocked one down (it never specified he’d died) and the other ran into the ocean and drowned on his own.

Also, Eugene reminds me strongly of someone…

“What are you doing?” asked George, making me stop. “Look, I’m not sad that you killed my brothers. I’m actually happy” explained George, with a hearty laugh. “Why?” I asked, putting Rapunzel down gently. “I never liked them, they used to push me around since I was the youngest” he said, sitting down on a stool. “Well, don’t feel bad” said Rapunzel, walking up to him and patting his back. “Rapunzel, at least buy one thing and we can go now” I said, leaning on one leg. “Fine, if it stops you from whining” she said, earning a laugh from George. “I’ll buy that duck, please, George” said Rapunzel, pointing at a chopped duck next to me. “Right on it” said George, getting up and shoving the duck into a sack.

Of all the tasty meat, you buy the duck?  Really?  You know how greasy those are if you don’t make it right?

And I’m not buying the “my brothers used to push me around so I’m glad they’re dead” schtick.  I’d check that duck for poison before you eat it.  If this guy was really glad you did it he would have a much more realistic reasoning.  “They tried to kill me, repeatedly, and they stole my entire life savings.”  Now that would be a better reason.

“Here you go, free of charge” said George while I took the sack. “Thanks” smiled Rapunzel before skipping away with me and her hair trailing behind her.

With that pointless interlude, we reach the end of chapter “five.”

Sorry, for the short chapter but had to make up for the late update. Anyway, new character!

Yes, a butcher with three lines.  I’m all a titter.

That is all, R&R&Bye. Seriously, review, I’m that desperate.

Really?  Because you’ve been nothing but blasé to your readers to this point.

Welp, that was relatively painless.  Let’s do one more chapter!

Now, up to this point, none of the chapters have had titles.  This one does, and it’s vital that I share it with you before we begin:

Help I need Ideas IMPORTANT PLS READ

Yup, this isn’t an actual chapter.  It’s a cry for help because this author’s story is so boring that she couldn’t even come up with a shark to jump.  Here’s the entirety of the non-chapter.

Hey, guys. School started seven days ago, also this is not an update. But please read it.

I’m having writers block, so please give me some ideas in the reviews or just PM me. Your ideas may help in this story but I’ll choose. So please leave suggestion in the reviews.

Thank you for reading.

There are five more chapters after this.  I peeked ahead and I can tell you for a certainty that what lays ahead is mind-boggling.  We’ll swan dive into it in a couple weeks.  Join me next Monday when we see what other bullshit our tepid ninja can get into.

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22 Comments on “1091: Tangled: alternative story – Chapters Eight, Nine, and Ten”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    (I still don’t know if anything physical from now existed back then, so… Yeah)

    It’s true, you know. Nothing physical existed before about 1803- historical figures all lived an ethereal existence as beings of pure light and thought.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Flynn’s POV (From now on I’m gonna write everything in POV’s)

    :falls to knees:

    NOOOOOO!!!!

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    The butcher was brandishing his butcher knife, which had the engravings of the two brothers’. I gulped.

    The two brothers’ what? Names? Profiles? Favorite sayings?

    Penises. It had engravings of the two brothers’ penises.

  4. GhostCat says:

    Hey, guys. School started seven days ago, also this is not an update. But please read it.

    Nothing about those statements makes me want to continue reading.

    And why do so many fic authors feel the need to include pointless personal information in their fics? It has no bearing on anything!

  5. GhostCat says:

    I’m having writers block, so please give me some ideas in the reviews or just PM me. Your ideas may help in this story but I’ll choose. So please leave suggestion in the reviews.

    :headdesk:

    :headdesk:

    :headdesk:

    • neji7hyuga says:

      *sighs and facepalms*

      It’s one thing to ask nicely for constructive criticism and list trouble areas so people can help you, since it’s good to get that. I have done that since I really do want to improve.

      Though something like this…that’s why one needs to outline and plan. After all, planning and outlining can help to make sure one does not write oneself into a corner.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Yep, he did it, this guy pulled the same “why don’t you guys write my story for me?” crap that E-motherfucking-P pulled.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        That’s not good, I wouldn’t even ask people to write my story for me. I would rather write my own story, and put my own effort into it. After all, it feels good to do a good job or at least try.

      • GhostCat says:

        For some reason, many fic authors treat their chapters as if they are blog posts – hence the overly chatty Author’s Notes we often see. It’s one thing to solicit advice or share personal information on a blog or forum thread or bio page, but this is meant to be a finished, published work.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        It’s one thing to ask for constructive criticism at the beginning or end of a chapter but it’s another to try to get people to do your story for you or add to much stuff that’s not related to constructive criticism .

        Not sure what your opionons are on asking for constructive criticism within a chapter at the beginiging or end, but If you don’t like that, we can agree to disagree.

      • GhostCat says:

        Asking for concrit at either the beginning or end of a chapter is fine, even welcome, but there should never be Author’s Notes inside the body of work. They do nothing but break the narrative flow. If I had special concerns about a specific scene or passage that I wanted advice on, I would indicate that portion with an asterisk or other notation to draw attention to it, and then leave an Author’s Note at the bottom addressing my concerns and asking for advice.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Oh, I see. And I do agree.

        And about having them in the middle of chapters, that’s the kind of thing I don’t like. So I agree on that. And I agree on the rest.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I’m beginning to suspect that BDS really did not think her idea through.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        That is what it’s looking like.

        It’s the reason why one really should outline and plan for long projects. I have a few and I am planning and outlining. One could do the same for shorter ones, though it’s advisable to do so, but the long ones really do need it so one does not go halfway through and write themselves into a corner.

  6. magisking says:


    Did BDS take this video seriously? Because that might explain a few things.


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