1087: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapters Seven and EightPosted: June 25, 2015
Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media: Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda/Maury
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 7
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hey ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more FaCe ThE StRaNgE.
So who else is willing to bet this shit fanfic is only gonna get more offensive as we go? Anyone?
Oh, all the hands are up, huh? Right, that about cements it.
Let’s just get going.
We start our chapter off with this:
Shadows back. They were gonna plan their attack on Dumbledore…
Then just plan it already! You know, instead of sitting there with your dicks out having a masturbation contest!
“What is a fucken faggots biggest weakness?” asked Shadow since he missed their talk already.
“Its gay anal surf,” answored Dally, “if they don’t take garyatric pills then if we put enough water in their ass their intenstines and stomach wil leak out…”
“It is a slow painful dead,” Sasuke continued…
“Because it will make youre eyes fall into your tonstils and it all falls out at the bottom,” Link finished.
First of all, I thought Dally was in the hospital and wouldn’t leave for a while! What’s she doing here?
Second of all… Garyatric pills? Really? And then their intestines leak out if you put enough water? Aside from the fact that some people like to clean their ass out with water if they bottom to prevent shit from sticking to the partner’s penis, aside from the fact that you’d have to do that for all anal sex anyway, are you for fucking serious!?
Fuck it, that counts twice.
*hits buzzer twice*
Fuck Progress Count: 15
“Oh is that because their asshoes are all loosened out from the sex??” Shadow asked.
Well, I hope Dally never runs into any straight women that happen to be into anal, or straight men that are into pegging. That’s gonna be a fun conversation. And speaking of which…
Fuck Progress Count: 16
Jeez, we’ve barely started this chapter and already we’ve got three counts on the Fuck Progress counter. This is gonna be fun.
Link noddd. Link bachelors from college so he knew about priest.
And what the hell does knowing about the priest have to do with anal sex? Well, apart from the obvious case of priest behavior, anyway…
Sasuke was also a healer but not unlike as much as Link.
Last I checked, your average human penis was not capable of stretching an anus open to the extent that would require hospitalization.
Wow, I’m really getting NSFW here, aren’t I? I’m so sorry, patrons.
“So how ae we going to get that much water in his ass?” Shadow asked “We don’t have enough receptickles to put them in…”
Have you never heard of a funnel? Just turn Dumbledore upside down, stick the funnel in his ass, and then put a hose right there and you’ll never want for water!
Oh my God, I’m actually trying to help these assholes! What has this story done to me!?
“Platinom Billy has the power to shoot that out of his hans,” Lank expend more. “He little red and then it just kind of goes from there…”
He can shoot water out of his hands? Um… what?
Holy Christ crackers, why am I even trying to inject logic into this shit fest!?
They all took deep breathes before kicking down the dore with a mighty PUSS
When the hell did Hagrid live on the Enterprise?
and where there was supoxxed to be Dumbleore there was only Haggid with his back face to the crowd in a reclining chaira with the TV playing “Spin the Wheel of Excitement” “.
Oh! I know that game! It’s the game where you spin the wheel to determine what creative ways you want to use to get out of shitty fanfics like this!
Let’s see what Hagrid rolled, yes?
“WHERE THE FUCK IS DUMGBLEDORE” howeled Billy, he was losing love for the world and they started tumoring back into Edward and Hiei.. they knew it was a trap.
“He was losing love for the world”, said the fic as it forgot that Billy’s entire existence owes itself to two people uniting to kill something they hate.
Because that’s how logic, right?
Edwad and Hiei were too toirtle from the evolution and laid on the dirty floor
Have fun picking the used condoms out of Edward’s hair later, Hiei!
while Shadow spun the chair around to deal a DEAD HAGRID. There was wands coming out of all the sausages of his body …
Okay, that’s… um… interesting. Apparently, Hagrid is so well-endowed he has multiple endowments. Huh, no wonder Dumbledore went straight to Hagrid’s house!
“OH JESAS”, gasped Sasuke he has a weak stomach and pubed all over the already dead corpes.
Pubed? You pubed all over the dead corpses?
“WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THONG”
Hagrid? A thong?
*looks to one side*
*looks to the other side*
Um… yeah! They bear such resemblance to each other!
Just then Axle came out from under the table… and turned mack into Mystiqeu!
Oh hi Mystique! Thanks for the reminder that you’re still in this fic! I think we all needed it, with how rarely you’ve showed up lately.
“MYSTIQUE!” Hiei said he hed a venditto against her for not giving him those powers…
First of all, it’s spelled vendetta. Second of all, why the hell are you mad at her? If we follow this story’s increasingly insane logic, you getting those powers was entirely dependent on Dally! Not Mystique! Jesus Christ!
“Yes it is I,” she smocked, “You really think you would get aware that easy?? DYMBLEDORE AND I ARE WOKING TOGETHER NOW!! HAHAHAHA!”
And that meant that you killed Hagrid… um… why?
You’re never going to explain why they killed Hagrid, are you?
“YOU FUCKING BITCHASS WHORE” Hiei swore and he charged at her full blast
Hey, she was the one giving you the rule that slowed you down before you and Dally jumped into something I have full confidence neither of you have the emotional maturity to deal with. You should not be calling her that!
but she turned into quickly Dally and he couldn’t do it… he stoped because he loved her… even if he did cheetah on her.
He did “cheetah” on her? Huh. Well, I suppose that’s one way you can vary things up while having sex a thousand times in one night. Huh, I’ll have to keep that in mind…
“I cant do it…” he admittoed… “But if Dally knew hat you were doing she would be TURNING IN HER GRAVE!”
Holy shit, Hiei, she’s still alive! That’s kind of a macabre thought to have about someone who’s due to have your damn baby, isn’t it?
“I don’t fucking give a Christ about Dally!” she laughed “She has the powers and you don’t and Dumbledore and I are going to RAPE DRACO.”
Why? What possible purpose does raping Draco serve? Why would anyone—
You know what? Fuck it. I don’t want to ask. This is just… gah!
Let’s just move on!
“SHIT” explained Link “We did loose him… WHERE IS THE HELL IS HE???”
Dude, he’s standing off in that corner of the formless void.
You see? Right next to the unidentified bush!
“WE TAKE HIM TO AZCABIN” she said and then with a bluff fof wind she man a torpedo and flew out exploding the building. “WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE FIRE” they shouted and dived out…
Okay, so Mystique summoned a torpedo from out of her anal pouch of holding… Okay… And then it blew the building up but the shrapnel didn’t kill any of them, and now they’re trying to leave the fire…
Sasuke, Hiei and Link maid it out
—while somehow finding the time required to jump into the bathroom and put on a maid outfit—
but when they turned they saw the burnging ashes of Shadow trying to crawl out of the carpet… he was holdin on for dear lite but the flames endulged him, taking him deeper to death…
…and then his ashes disintegrated, falling right next to the burning sparkly body of Edward Cullen. Who, by the way, guys, is still in there. You might want to do something about that.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Link tried to run after him but they hallowed him back…
“Don’t worry, Link, we’ll make sure you get crucified in front of Princess Zelda!”
They went up to Dalla’s room in the hospital… she was sketching agun this time a picture of Shadow. “Oh hello,” she squirted, “Shadow sung me the nicest song today.”
“Dally…” Hiei started… “We have bad news… something has happened…”
Again the whole school could hear the scream thin time in angus.
Wait, Shadow actually died and we’re supposed to see it as a tearjerking moment?
Um… Wow. That’s, um… interesting, at least. That’s… How do you even qualify that?
Fuck it, I’m not gonna try.
And speaking of try… Hm… This has actually been a rather short installment, hasn’t it? I feel like we could actually go a little further today. I mean… But should I? I mean, this fic is so god-awful it kind of begs you not to do it, you know? But at the same time, I feel like I should, or something.
Fuck it, let’s do the next chapter today.
Chapter 8 begins with this:
They took a day off of KTFD so they can give Shadow a pope buries.
Wait, they got the pope to do his burial!? How!? When the hell would our pope freaking condone this kind of “KTFD” bullshit!?
*headdesks onto buzzer*
Fuck Progress Count: 17
Seriously, it’s one thing to fuck with social progress, but to fuck with what progress we’ve managed to make within the Catholic church? Not cool, Dallas! Not cool, not even for a trollfic!
They didn’t put him in a koffin because it reminded Edward and Dally to much of bed and theyd get sleepy so they put him in a boat they took to Hogwarts and have him a Viking wedding.
Say what you will about sparklepires, at least they didn’t sleep in goddamn coffins at any point. They slept in regular beds.
Like, you know, the one that Edward and Bella destroyed in Breaking Dawn with their sexytimes!
They set it on fire like how they died and sent him into the ocean where they ware mermaids.
You mean the lake, honey. And frankly, I’m pretty sure that the mermaids of that particular lake have better taste in men than the generic nice guy you fed them, so…
They all took a sec to say something in his salvation..
And he ascends to heaven during this scene, because why not.
“I was always kinda jealous of him, “ sais Edwarf, “He was so fast and kind.”
“He took a sacofice to save us… for that I Ma always thankful,” said Hie.
“Wish I woulda got to know him better…” said Link, “He couldhave been one my top friends”
“He was so young,” said Draco, “I miss him alteady.”
Yes, let’s all eulogize for this character that we no absolutely nothing about and talk about how amazing and selfless he was in his sacrifice!
You know, the one he took when Mystique tossed a torpedo and he was left behind by the selfish dickbags who left him there. He didn’t explicitly give his consent to be used as a martyr, but dammit he is a martyr, I swear it!
Now it was Dally’s turn… she was in her wheelcheese
—which somehow didn’t melt before she got there—
and had to bring the IC down with her so she was still all connected with links.
Honey, bringing the IC down with her would assume that she had a character that was pulled apart by the author to begin with. And let’s face it: we all know that the only thing that defines Dally is that she’s hot, and that she’s also apparently a homophobic bitch.
“Shadow was one of my best friends…” she bean, “I wouldn’t have trade him for anyone in te world, even for the rarest pokemon, or the biggest chaos emerald. He had a handsome voice and could have really made something of itself.”
Honey, that’s the best you can do? I betcha ten bucks that any random person could come up with a better funerary speech than—
Her speech impediment made everyone cry, it touched their sharts.
Well, at least the narration is honest about what it really touched. That’s pretty refreshing, I have to admit.
“We need to extract our revenge…” Edward grred, “The ysaid they were hiding out in Azcraban… all we have to do is get arrested and then we will be there to KILL THEM.”
Yeah, good luck with that, Edward. Unless your name is Gerard Butler, I’m pretty sure you won’t be able to work your way through prison with enough calculation to fuck Dumbledore’s day up.
And besides, Mystique didn’t say that Draco was technically being held as a prisoner at Azkaban, now, did she? I mean, I know you can assume anything in a trollfic, but I’m pretty sure that Mystique wasn’t talking about prisoners of the Ministry when she did that spiel.
“Ok but how will we get out after?” asked Sasuke.
“Dally can use her powers to transform us all into something to escape or like death eaters so we can disquiseourselfes and it will work,” said Hiei.
Yeah, but what do you plan to do about the fact that this simple action will make you all fugitives for the rest of your lives, and that you’ll never be able to live like a truly free person unless you leave the country and take up an alias or something?
And wait, wasn’t it kind of a big plot point that Dally couldn’t give her powers to anyone else unless they married her? I mean, seriously, Hiei, you do remember your rage fit at Mystique about this last chapter, right? So literally, you just made a plan that relies on polygamy of the multiple-man-one-woman type. And yet I don’t see you bitching about how that’s immoral according to the societal norms of Western culture, right?
“ARE YOU FUCKEN OUT OF YOUR MOM?” scrame Edward, “Shes pregnant… how in the bloody hell do you think I’m gunna let her fight you pussy eater?”
Wait, what!? The clingy asshat who is always jealous of everyone for even daring to hang around Dally is the one actually showing concern for the pregnant woman here!?!?
Wow. You know your plan sucks when it makes the man who gets jealous of Dally if another man so much as introduces himself the one who’s right. Good job, Hiei. Good job. You fail at life.
Also, he actually does bring up a pretty good point. Intentionally getting yourself arrested while pregnant is a horrible idea unless you like the idea of getting the psychological and emotional trauma that comes with being pregnant in prison.
Thanks, Edward, you just saved this fic one count on the Fuck Progress counter. Good job.
“She wont fight just heal, god damn it,” Hiei said,
And that makes it better, how? Oh, right, IT DOESN’T!
“Well maybe we should wait til after she has the baby to do this…”
Yes, that would be a smart idea… um… random person who just opened his mouth!
“We don’t have time… I know I am the hero of it,” said Link,
Get it!? Get it!? See!? Because he’s the Hero of Time! You know, the Hero of Time, who appears in Ocarina of Time, in which he travels back and forth in time by playing the Song of Time on the Ocarina of Time at the Temple of Time so that he can take the Ocarina of Time to a dungeon with a Block of Time to remove the Block of Time with the Song of Time!
Laugh, damn you! Laugh!
“We need to go fucken now or Draco will be raped and fingered.”
Just then the whole school could hear a scream from the hospital. I was Dally.
Wait, so Dally teleported to the hospital from the shore, just so everyone at the shore could hear Dally’s scream all the way from the hospital?
“SHIT THE BABIESES CUMMING” they all said in unsun as they to the elegator in the Hogwarts.
What the fuck is this!? The goddamn baby is somehow getting sexual pleasure, and while it’s in the womb!?
Like, seriously, what the actual fuck did I just read!?
They pushed button “Come on come on come on we don’t have time for tis BULLSHIT” they said hirredly.
Huh, the fic just articulated how we feel about all the homophobic bullshit we’ve been getting in here since day one. Imagine that!
Finaly they got up but it was too late… they missed the babys crowning and umbiblical chord.
Wait, they crowned him? So that means that Dally is royalty? Since when did Mystique become the queen of Monte Carlo!?
But the baby it was beatiful … it had red eyes (more red than Dally’s, it was Hiei’s eyes) and black hair with red steaks from Dally and white from Hiei, and it had fangs because it was Dally’s vampire genes.
Okay, even forgiving that there’s going to be all sorts of wonky bullshit to be witnessed in a pregnancy that takes less than a fucking day, how the hell does this baby have hair? I just… what!?
Nurse Joy handed the baby to Hiei, “You are now the father of a new boy…” she nounced.
Nurse Joy!? Wait, so this is now a goddamn POKEMON crossover!?
Dallas, you’re really trying to ruin everyone’s childhoods here, aren’t you?
“Awww,” he groped,
“What sould we name him?”
“We should name him after Shadow who deid in his memory…”
Dear Jesus, this whole “he sacrificed himself for us because we say so” bullshit is insulting to Shadow’s memory. Like, what the actual fuck?
“Okay…” Hiei angered, “His name… is Shadow Darkblood Yerameshi…”
And why the hell is Hiei getting all angry that it’s the name of the child?
Wow, not one of these suitors makes a good boyfriend for Dally. That’s a whole level of epic fail, that you fail so hard at setting up attractive boyfriends that nobody ends up being the better option for her!
Meanwhile Mustique and Dumbledore were around a orb (tne the one that made the room swirl and gave Daly the powers) and the ycould see into what was happening…
So they now have an analogue to Madame Leota they just keep lying around in Azkaban. Um… why?
“FUCK” hurtled Mystique, “GOD FUCKING DAMIT I will teach that hot gothic midget a thing or two about fucking MY daughter…”
“Mysqitue it just gets worse… “ Dumbledore sighed “That boy… is the chosen one…”
Okay, so we’re suddenly doing that clichéd plot track now.
You know what?
*throws hands in the air*
Sure. Why the fuck not? It’d make just about as much sense as anything else that’s happened thus far!
Oh, whatever. I’m just gonna go ahead and call it a day before my brain starts hurting too much.
I’ll see you guys next week. Hopefully by then, I’ll have had a nice dip in the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi.