1084: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Six, Part OnePosted: June 22, 2015
Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by Lyle
Good morning/afternoon/time of day to all you lovely patrons! Welcome back to the next chapter of SW:R, a Naruto-Harry Potter fanfic that fails on so many levels. Last time we met we watched as Jade, a genderbent Harry Potter, overreacted to an assumed slight against her way of life, made a fool of herself, and basically brought disgrace to her village. She cried a bit in an owlery with Ryu, an author insert who is in love with female Harry. Then they went to potions class and got on Snape’s good side. Oh, Team Stu also gets to skip all Defense Against the Dark Arts classes because Lockhart is incompetent. The other Hogwarts students still have to attend, though. Because reasons.
Koori: Konnichiwa! *walks into the office with a jar in her hand*
Oh, hey. I was wondering if you’d be coming back again today. For those who have missed the last couple weeks, this is Koori Umino, a Konoha kunoichi of chunin rank. She’s decided that she’s my new intern, even though I didn’t ask for one.
What’s with the jar?
Koori: This is the home of my new pet leech. Ishi-sensei is teaching me how to care for them. Do you like my jar? I made it myself.
It’s lovely- Wait, did you say pet leech?
Koori: I have named him Hiru.
Doesn’t that just mean “leech?”
Koori: I never claimed to be creative.
Right then. Let’s move along into today’s chapter, shall we?
Chapter Six: Qudditch, Birthdays and Petrifaction
Jade sighed as she shuffled her feet waiting for her turn for the Qudditch tryouts for the position of Seeker her new Nimbus 2000 resting lightly on her shoulder humming slightly as if in anticipation for the coming flight. Ryu was sitting off to the side waiting for the Chaser tryouts, he flashed her a supportive smile and winked before readjusting his Qudditch robes, although he said he vastly preferred them to the regular robes. Jade smiled back at him before the Wood called her up. “alright, I’ll be throwing these,” he held up a golf ball “And your to catch as many as you can.”
Holy crap. There’s 4 periods in that block! That must be a new record for DKR. At the beginning of this travesty that would have all been one sentence.
Koori: *peeking into her jar* I wonder if he’s hungry. Should I feed him?
How should I know?
Koori: Aren’t you a zoologist?
Doesn’t mean I studied leeches. Stick your hand in there. If he latches on, he’s probably hungry.
Jade nodded and quickly mounted and took off into the air smiling ferally at the feeling of rushing wind through her hair before signaling Wood she was ready as he took off from the ground, he immediately threw the small ball off and Jade shot right after it her shinobi trained eyes never losing sight of it and quickly nabbed it out of the air, pocketing it she saw Wood through another one in the opposite direction and Jade shot right after it catching it like the other, this continued another eight times and each time Jade caught them without difficulty.
Koori: *with her hand shoved into the jar* Well, of course she would catch them. She’s a kunoichi, isn’t she? We’re trained to catch all manner of things flying at us, most of them sharp and pointy. Small balls are nothing. *lifts hand from the jar* I guess he’s not hungry. Want to meet my leech?
Sure, why not. *looks into the jar* Yup. That’s a leech.
Wood let out a low whistle when they landed “Fred and George said you were good,” he commented “But I haven’t seen anything like that since Charlie Weasley!”
Jade grinned and scratched the back of her head in a very Naruto-like manner “Heh, guess it just comes naturally to me.” She mused before moving over to sit beside Ryu for the rest of the Seeker tryouts “He’s right,” Ryu agreed placing an arm around her “You looked amazing up there.”
Blarf. Get a room already, you two.
Now, considering that Harry Potter was a good enough flier to get onto the team his first year, which is unheard of, it is only expected that Jade also be good at it since she’s him with a va-jay-jay. And since Harry grew up in the Muggle world and was a natural at flying, it’s perfectly canon for Jade (who also grew up away from broomsticks) to be a natural. So there’s nothing particular wrong here, apart from the 12-year-old oogy-love.
Jade grinned with a faint blush decorating her cheeks “Thanks.” she murmured leaning into him. Their day thus far had been relatively the same from yesterdays, the only difference is that they didn’t bother going to the DADA classroom that day and had just done some light sparring on the roof. “Ne, Ryu-kun,” she said getting his attention “How do you think our friends are doing back home?”
Koori: Wait a moment. I read the Harry Potter books this weekend in order to better prepare myself for my internship. From what I gathered, this school is set up so that the children do not attend every class every day. Is this correct?
You read all seven books this weekend?
Koori: I take reconnaissance very seriously. Am I correct in my assessment?
Yeah, you’re right. It’s set up more like modern day university. The students take block classes and alternate what classes they go to. Monday they might have a double block of herbology and then Tuesday they’ll spend two hours in the dungeons for potions, instead.
Koori: How could their day be identical to the previous one, then?
Because the author is an oblivious American?
Koori: Oh! *smacks the counter*
Observationally Oblivious: 7
…That’s the “Tangled: alternative story” counter, Koori. We don’t use counters across fics.
Koori: Oh. *sets her jar on the desk and pulls a cellphone from an outer pocket of her flak jacket. She taps some buttons and then starts swyping*
What in the world are you doing with a cellphone?
Koori: Putting a note into Drive so I remember not to use the counters between riffings.
Ryu smiled lightly “I’m sure their fine tenshi,” he murmured softly rubbing her arm “Hinata isn’t one of the fangirls and can fend for herself, then Shino is considered a prodigy for his clan, Shikamaru, while lazy, is incredibly smart and if Chouji is with him he’ll flatten anyone who tries to hurt him.”
I get the feeling the author is name dropping to prove he’s seen the show or read the manga. “Hey look! See?! I know what I’m talking about! I know names!”
Koori: Shino was never considered a prodigy. Creepy as all else, but not a prodigy. The closest any of that group of graduates got to prodigy was Sasuke being considered the number one rookie to beat. Shino is good, don’t get me wrong. In fact, the entirety of the rookie twelve are good in their own ways or they wouldn’t have made it through to graduation, but I resent that word being thrown around like that. It takes a lot to be a prodigy in a village filled with kekkei genkai.
Jade giggled a bit a relaxed slightly “I’m nervous Ryu-kun,” she admitted “I feel like something’s going to happen and I’ll have no control over it.”
“Of course you won’t tenshi,” Ryu said drawing her closer to him “There are things that will be out of our control and we can’t do anything about it aside from standing together.”
Jade nodded as she laid her head in his lap “I know,” she whispered softly as he began to softly stroke her forehead “But it frightens me all the same.”
Ryu smiled down at her reassuringly “Just remember I will be right beside you when that time comes,” he stated “It’s a promise.”
Jade smiled back at him when the call for the Chaser tryouts echoed through the stadium “Good luck.” She whispered kissing him as he moved off to the collected group.
Uhm, if she’s got her head in his lap but is kissing him…
Koori: I’ll go get the HurfCo bags. Can you watch Hiru for me?
He’s a leech in a jar. I don’t think he’s going anywhere.
Koori: Says the woman who is not a zoologist of leeches.
“Alright you’ll be throwing Quaffels at the goalposts as if you’re in the game, It’ll be the best out of five, so the person who gets the most will get the position of Chaser” Wood explained as he paced in front of the few Chaser-wannabes “I’ll be acting as Keeper so make sure you do your best.”
Ryu was the first up and quickly took to the air and accepted the Quaffel from Katie. He looked over at Wood as he planned out his attack strategy.
You don’t attack the Keeper! You throw the damn ball through one of the three hoops! Also, wouldn’t a mock-game be a better way to determine who gets the position? Just having them try to make goals against the Keeper doesn’t show how they fly under pressure, their ability to take a hit from a bludger, or how well they can steal the ball from the opposing team. Playing a game of HORSE is a horrible way to pick your new Chasers.
*stands as well and picks up Hiru’s jar* I think that’s our cue to leave.
Koori: But I just got back! *sets a stack of HurfCo bags onto the desk*
*sits back down* Oh, okay, fine.
Koori: *takes back the jar and removes the lid* Did you behave yourself for Miss Lyle?
“What is he doing just sitting there?” Hermione asked confused “Won’t they disqualify him if he takes too long.”
“Nah, he’ll be ready soon,” Naruto reassured “Ryu is just planning out his mode of attack, although he works best when leading a squad.”
Thank you, Exposition!Naruto.
Koori: I’d like to object to this.
Koori: They’re genin: beginning ranking shinobi. They don’t lead squads. You don’t become a squad leader until you’re a chunin, at the earliest. Only an idiot would let a genin lead a cell on a mission. That would be like allowing Hiru to lead a mission.
“Really?” Hermione said shocked.
Koori: Really. I promise this is how it actually works.
Naruto nodded “That’s the only way we have been able to even touch our sensei during training,” he explained “even if he was holding back… a lot.”
Koori: Where is their sensei?
That’s a good question. We haven’t seen Eight Fruit Tree-Sensei in quite some time.
Koori: *sniffs in disdain* Letting your genin troop alone on a mission for a long period of time is just asking for failure of your mission. Especially a mission that’s higher ranking than what they’re trained to handle.
*twitch* This had better not be going to first person.
Ryu suddenly shot forward on his broom as he charged at Wood straight on surprising many only for him to suddenly drop at the last minute throwing his Quaffel through the far right goalpost shocking Wood who completely missed the maneuver.
Of course the author insert is a natural. Why wouldn’t he be? I’m going to save us all the boring play-by-play of how Ryu hands Oliver his ass. Basically it’s a bunch of Ryu showboating and Wood looking bewildered/surprised/startled/etc. He manages to block one of the five shots and Ryu goes back to sit with Jade in the stands, this time without the awkward and unnecessary scene change tag. Jade drapes herself on him like a Rhesus monkey again and we continue on.
Naturally, both shinobi make the team, there’s some applause, and they head to the locker room to talk to Wood.
The pair nodded and joined the others to going to go get changed “I bet she only got the position because of the fact she’s famous.” One of the girls who had tried out whispered to another unaware that Jade could hear them as if they were right next to them “Wouldn’t be surprised if she offer to fuck the captain either.”
Well that is out of left field! They’re twelve! TWELVE!
Koori: While a kunoichi may need to use her body in espionage missions, we’re not really taught this until we’re considered of legal age of consent. And even then the lesson is optional. If these children are twelve, there’s no way Jade would have been given the option to take that class.
I’d also like to point out that the students, being English, would have probably said “shag” and not “fuck.” Another case of our author showing his American roots.
Koori: That’s twice in this chapter so far. *pulls a counter from her flak jacket, tinkers with it, and then smacks it twice*
I… where did you get that?
Koori: You have a box of them in the closet.
But how did you get it out of your jacket if it was in the closet?
Jade sighed as she pulled on her robes over a simple t-shirt and jeans and moved to leave before pausing and looking at the gossiping girls “You know something,” she said loud enough for them to hear “You two probably only wanted to become a Chaser of Seeker because no guy would even look at you otherwise.” With that she left the change room with laughter echoing after her and smirk on her face as she joined up with Ryu and the others.
That was petty.
“I know that look,” Ryu said cautiously looking at her “Who do we need to bury?”
“No one,” Jade replied innocently before adopting a thinking expression “Unless egos count.”
Hermione looked at Jade confused “What do you mean?” She asked “What had happened?”
Jade snorted “Just some idiots that were trying to slander my name,” she answered with a minor scowl “I just made one of my oh so witty retorts.”
Wait, was that sarcastic? Is Jade making fun of herself because her comment wasn’t witty in the slightest?
Koori: From what I’ve learned of this character, I’m guessing that she was being serious but the author managed to make it sound rather insincere.
*snerk* So DKR unintentionally made fun of his own character with that same character.
“Well it’s good you didn’t do what you did to Sakura,” Naruto commented linking his hands behind his head “I did not know the human body could bend like that.”
“I shoved her head up her ass.” Jade explained proudly at Ron and Hermione’s curious looks “She did the most grievous thing possible, accused me of being a fangirl.”
Koori: Calling her a fangirl is the most grievous thing possible? I’m sorry, but who the hell is this kid, again? How in the name of the first Hokage is she a shinobi?! This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read! By the time she’s thirty, half of the people she will have known and worked with will be dead, but being called a fangirl is the worst thing she could think of? Does DKR no nothing of which he speaks?!
*pulls a bottle of spiced rum from her desk drawer* Take a swig of this.
Koori: *drinks* Blrgleflurf! What is this?
So they talk about how no one knows how it’s possible for someone’s head to actually be inserted into one’s own ass and then Ryu wonders aloud when their sensei is going to show up. Jade says that Eight Fruit Tree will probably pop up unexpectedly soon. At least the author hasn’t forgotten that they have a sensei.
Koori: Do you have any sake? *passes the bottle back*
I’ll order some for next time. It will come out of your stipend, though.
Koori: But you don’t pay me.
Oh, right. Uhm… tell you what, if you clean out the honey badger enclosure, I’ll buy you a couple bottles.
Koori: Deal! What’s a honey badger?
Oh, this will be fun to watch.
We have one last section before we take a break so let’s just plough through it, okay?
Naruto shuddered before grinning “Well,” he drawled getting his friends attention “We can only hope for the best, like Lockhart getting accidentally caught in the crossfire.”
The nearby males snorted while Hermione looked affronted “He isn’t that bad!” She protested as they sat down at the Gryffindor “He was only making sure we we read the book he assigned us!”
Ron snorted “Remember the pixies?” He pointed out “Practical experience my ass!”
Hermione sniffed and ignored the red head for the rest of the evening choosing to instead bury her nose into one of Lockhart’s books instead while the rest chatted about the upcoming Qudditch season.
Koori: That is an incredibly awkward paragraph at the end, and a little redundant-
Koori: What in the world is that?
DRD alarm. *grabs her sledgehammer* Ready yourself, young intern. Tonight, we feast on the tears of our enemies!
Koori: But who will watch Hiru?
Oh, sod it. We’ll be in the hallway for five minutes. Your bloody leech will fine. Now grab your ninja tools and follow me or I’ll make you clean out the shark jump tank as well as the honey badger enclosure.
*flings open the door and races into the hallway with Koori hot on her heels*