1082: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Four, Part Two

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Shades

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, exposition happened, and most of it was bullshit!

Joining me, as usual, is Sir Paulo Rori… and because of a little mistake Paulo made last week, Shades requested to be in on this riff for a little payback. Unfortunately for her, Paulo is not of the Specs and Co., and thus has contractual immunity on his person unless killed by the randomness of the Library, so she is more or less powerless here, and so is stuck in a riff she doesn’t want to do now.

*Shades grumbles incoherently*

Hey, it could be worse. You could be babysitting Li’l Glasses again.

*Shades’ eye twitches under her sunglasses*

Paulo: Babysit Glasses? But, she is a grown woman!

Y’see, the thing about that is… well, it’s complicated. In a past life, Glasses used to be a cat, and because cat age and human she is so different, when she started her new life as a human, she got hit by this weird side-effect where she inexplicably reverts back to a toddler for immeasurable periods of time.

Paulo: …Magic?

Sure, we’ll go with that.

Anyhow, we’re back at chapter four, and we’ve just learned that this whole plot is apparently a convoluted set-up for the Stu in question. In fact, I believe we’re going to be joining him:

Back Outside

And would Shades like to guess what’s happening to him back outside?

Shades: Piss off.

Ooh, sorry, but that’s incorrect. The correct answer was actually:

As Alex was led by the warriors, Kaya followed next to him. She had demanded that she come along, in order to see what would happen now. He looked to one side and saw that the warriors who leading them to who knows where were eyeing him mistrustfully.

You know, not that anybody blames them or anything. Stus could ruin the plot literally at any or every second.

Shades: Both, more often than not.

Paulo: Alex certainly has been, so far.

“What’s their problem?” he finally asked Kaya.

Oh, I don’t know…

1. The Emishi people were historically persecuted for being outsiders from Korea taken up residence in Japan, as this was during a period where Japan was not necessarily welcoming of outsiders, and so have a natural distrust of anybody not of their villages,

2. You just fucking killed a GOD and got cursed for it, and who knows how well that magical jewelry of yours will hold,

3. You’re standing right fucking next to the princess of this particular village, which is grounds for concern on its own based solely around suspicions of any assassination attempts you might make on her life, especially given that she’s the last princess this village has, going by the movie’s plot,

4. The Oracle called for you, which could be interpreted any number of bad ways,

5. Literally as soon as you showed up, Nago did as well, and who’s to say you aren’t in on his revenge plot against humanity – hell, he hit YOU with his curse, out of however many other people were present at the time,

6. You’re a Stu. Stus are evil by default, even if they’re supposed to be the heroes.

Take your pick, Alex.

Paulo: In my homeland, it would also be standard procedure to have an unknown individual flanked by armed guards, especially not knowing what their mental state could be, or of they had any prior criminal background or not, and doubly so if they were being brought before the king.

Shades: You know, mate, in my world, we have these things called handcuffs, and they take a surprising amount of fight out of whoever’s shackled by them. Like, much to the point where you don’t need a full squad of guys glaring at the person in question to keep them in line.

They work better when the guy’s hands are behind his back, though.

Shades: Yeah, that more or less cuts off any use of his arms, right there. Unless he’s Contacts, who can use his arms even if they’re behind his back – the bastard – or unless he’s a bloody Houdini-like contortionist…

Paulo: You shall have to tell me more of these handcuffs, so that I might present the idea to the king when next I find myself visiting.

Kaya glanced at the silent group then laughed quietly, “They’re always cautious when watching out for my well being,” she said, “That and they’re wary about the Holy Band on your wrist.”

Oh, it’s like I just got done explaining that!

“My. Aren’t I the popular one,” Alex grinned and waved at the warriors, who just scowled in response.

Paulo: Taunting one’s potential executioners is a fine way to expedite the execution.

But then he stopped for a moment, and looked at the gold band on his wrist, and eyed the red jewel in the center of it. He cocked an eyebrow as he turned towards Kaya and asked as he pointed to the wrist chain he now had, “So what’s the deal with the wrist chain anyway?”

Oh, nothing major, it’s just the one thing keeping you from demoning out on us and forcing Shades to hunt you down and arrest/potentially kill you, depending on what manner of fuss you put up, as per her former job description of “paranormal investigator”. Or Simon, who’ll just flat out kill you because his title is ” demon slayer.” Whoever gets word of it first, really.

Shades: And I’m right here, so it could very well be me.

After hearing that, Kaya stopped which caused Alex to stop as well along with the warriors.

Running into each other in comical fashion.

Paulo: My platoon did that frequently back when we were all young recruits. We enjoyed aggravating our captain far more than we had any reason to.

You little scoundrels, you.

Paulo: Not quite as mean as some of the things our captain called us, but I suppose it counts.

He noticed there was a pained look on her face; a look that said she feared for him and was on the verge of crying almost.

Wow, you can read all that from a single look?

Shades: Boy’s better at reading faces then Lordic ever was.

Paulo: Lordic?

Her old partner. I should really invite the guy to a riff sometime.

Paulo: Yes, that is all well and good, but… my old platoon’s captain was named Lordic.

Huh.

Shades: Did that son of a bitch activate a trans-dimensional warp so he could go muck about with history again?! I’m going to kill his arse!

Wow, anybody else noticing that Shades is really British today? Like, waaay more than usual?

[Blame Titanic. She just got done watching it a few hours ago and still isn’t over that one scene everybody cries at. Which is an uncanny thing for her, she usually doesn’t even pretend to be interested in dramas or chick flicks or anything like that. -Book Specs]

But she shook her head as she finally answered, “That wrist chain is a Holy Band. It was made from the flesh and blood of the Demon God, and put on you in order to seal the Demon God’s curse that was put on you.”

No, it wasn’t. It was made from fur and blood. There is a god damn difference.

*Inexplicably, Shades begins humming, “Putting On the Ritz”*

Paulo: You would have a lovely singing voice if it ever struck your fancy to try.

Shades: The hell I would. I sound like a dying whale.

Well, with that kind of attitude…

After hearing that, Alex’s eyes went wide with shock as he asked, “Curse? What curse?”

Titan’s Curse.

Shades: You and your bloody Etrian Odyssey references, I swear! Who in the damn comments is going to understand that?!

Quick breakdown: in Etrian Odyssey 4, there’s this curse called the Titan’s Curse which affects anybody within close proximity to the Yggdrasil tree in Tharsis. It’s very slow, incredibly painful, and slowly turns you into a literal plant from the inside out, looks like this:

Mind you, this is a REALLY advanced stage of it (and this guy was perfectly human before the boss fight began).

Mind you, this is a REALLY advanced stage of it (and this guy was perfectly human before the boss fight began).

…and until the player intervenes in-game, it also has no cure.

There, you happy now, whiner?

Shades: No.

Well, deal with it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t tell you anymore,” Kaya shook her head as she continued to walk on, with Alex following behind her, “Only the Oracle can explain it better than I can.” but as they continued to make their way, she turned to him and asked, “By the way, what is your name?”

Satan.

“It’s Alex,” he answered, “Alex Killian.”

Also known as Satan.

He paused for a moment, then started to speak again, “I don’t suppose you could tell me where I am? I don’t even know if I’m still in Japan.”

Well, let me ask you this:

Do these guys look like American native tribes?

No?

They look decidedly Asian, you say?

Then you’re probably still in Japan.

Shades: But what if he’s in Bangkok?

Shades: …Okay, what was with that video?

Honestly, I didn’t even know there was anything in the video, this was just the first one I saw that had decent sound quality and correctly-written lyrics.

Kaya frowned, “We don’t have a name for our village, nor do we have a name for the land around it,” she said, shaking his head, “But even if we did I’m afraid that I couldn’t tell you.”

Paulo: And yet, last time, you were claiming that the village was named after your people.

Shades: Contradictions like these are quick to get people arrested in my line of work.

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever asked – what are the jail cells like when arresting paranormal beings?

Shades: Strong enough to absorb the impact of a point-blank explosion and not have a scratch on them. Also, no bars – a lot of said paranormal arrests tend to be strong enough to punch through bulletproof plating. Bending metal bars wouldn’t take any effort at all. It has to be a thick door, airtight-sealed, made with a special material that saps their power reserves so that they can’t try and bust the thing off its hinges.

So if any of them tried to pull a high-profile breakout, door charges would be worthless?

Shades: Standard-fare human ones, sure. And magic-based ones would be reduced in power to the strength of a grenade, at most, because of the power-sapping. Oh yeah, and our handcuffs were specially designed to greatly relax the power nodes in the arrested individual and reduce them to human strength. Once the cuffs go on, the fight is over, period.

Paulo: And if a human were to find themselves bound by these handcuffs?

Shades: As part of our self-defense training, we were placed in scenarios where the perpetrator managed to get our own cuffs on us. It was horrible. You’d drop straight to the floor and be completely immobilized from the weight of your own body.

So in other words, a human in paranormal cuffs is fucked.

Shades: Immensely.

Learnin’ about the paranormal police force with Shades, everybody!

“Huh?” Alex retorted with a confused look, “Why not?”

Weakest retort ever.

“Because for the past five hundred years, my people have lived in seclusion away the outside world,” her eyes became very serious. “Our village’s placement is the one question that we can not give an answered to, I’m sorry.”

Why not? It’s real easy: due to multiple conflicts with, and ultimately subjugation by the hands of the rest of Japan, your people have chosen to live far to the north end of Honshu island in seclusion, where it would be difficult to reach you, so as to help ensure that your village wouldn’t be raided suddenly by samurai or something like that.

Also I’m pretty sure it wasn’t five hundred years, because so far everything that has been mentioned in this fic which has any ties to history has been wrong, but whatever.

Paulo: Goodness, but that was easy.

See? Kaya’s just holding back to hold back.

“Just who are you people anyway?” Alex asked, “This whole place seems like something from out of time. I mean, I thought that the people of Japan would’ve stopped living in small villages like this by now.”

I’m pretty sure that they never DID live in villages like this. At least, not after their culture began to develop beyond where it began. Even the smallest fishing community was likely to have had at least a sturdier bamboo structure, if not the much more fancy lacquered wood and rice paper design of mansions for noblemen and the like in the bigger cities. Honest to God, I think the mud huts with straw rooftops is literally just an Emishi thing.

Shades: Watch, now someone in the comments is going to call you out for being ridiculously wrong.

I don’t doubt it.

“We’re not Japanese, Alex,” Kaya said quickly, “we’re Amishi.”

Well, actually they’re Emishi, but this is something I would expect one of them to pop off with in response to the insinuation that they’re Japanese. After being treated as badly as they were, I’d be offended by the notion as well.

‘Amishi? That sounds like a Japanese dish,’ he thought to himself,

Well, the Japanese did at one point use the kanji for “shrimp” as a means to describe them.

but then Alex asked, “So what is it that I did to earn such attention?”

Kaya shook her head as she answered, “You saved me from the Demon God that attacked our village earlier today.”

Alex scratched his head, a confused look on his face. “Sorry, but I think you’re probably mistaking me for someone…”

Alex’s response is literally something that Ethan, from my earlier riffs of Fire Emblem: ReAwaken, would say to someone who’s able to make a connection between him and the ancient war hero of his ancestry. Like, I literally made Ethan’s character to be so dimwitted that he can’t find any resemblance between him and a guy who basically looks JUST LIKE HIM.

but then he looked at his right hand for a moment, and then he remembered. As he stared at it, memories began to resurface. Memories of the tree, the blinding light, the foul smelling trench he had found in the forest… and then finally, in a flash of images, he remembered his confrontation with the hideous Demon God.

Sudden burst of memories trope? Check.

“It was all real,” he said with a pained expression.

*Alex* “I really DID eat shit falling down a hole!”

Shades: That’s what he said.

Oh my God, ew! Why would you say that after THAT LINE?!

Shades: Glasses would have thought it was funny.

Kaya looked to him, slightly worried about him as she asked, “Alex?”

He shook his head, “It’s nothing Kaya,” he then asked, “So you all live in total isolation out here?” Kaya nodded, “And no one’s found you once?”

Oh, they’ve been found before, believe me. It’s DIFFICULT to get to their end of Honshu, not impossible.

“Only a few, but they were just traveling merchants. They had absolutely no real interest in our village.” She shot a quick grin at Alex, “And then there’s you.”

You skipped the Samurai, lady. They’re kind of a factor as well.

At the moment, the young outlander was too deep in thought to respond, ‘Traveling merchants? since when does 21st century Japan still have traveling merchants?’

Are you for fucking real? First of all, you’re not in the twenty-first century, figure it the hell out already. Secondly, OF COURSE JAPAN STILL HAS TRAVELING MERCHANTS! They might not be called such, but they haven’t died out!

Ugh, it’s the tree planters all over again…

He glanced at the young Amishi girl who was watching him quietly. ‘And where’ve I heard the name, Amishi before?’ He pondered the question for a moment.

You haven’t, because the word is Emishi?

And no, I’ve long since stopped giving the author a free pass because he claims that he didn’t know at the time. This fic is forty chapters long, you had plenty of time to read up and figure it out.

‘I remember a Japanese professor giving a lecture; he said something about… yeah, it was when we were studying Asian history!’

…Author, if you’re going to try and bullshit me, you might want to do a better job of it than that. I’ve done a better job with the history lessons, and it’s only because I have a fucking Wikipedia page open.

“Alex?” Kaya asked as she tapped him on the shoulder, “Is something wrong?”

Shades: Yes. Many things.

“Amishi,” he stated suddenly, “You said that you and your people were Amishi. right? As in the original inhabitants of Japan?”

Uh, incorrect as hell. Though nobody can really explain WHERE they came from (like, even my assertion that they’re Korean is iffy), most sources seem to agree that they were NOT the original occupants of Japan. In fact, because Japan was still a connected part of the Asia archipelago during the Jōmon period (that would be the earliest documented semblances of Japanese culture, born during the Prehistoric age), it’s a toss-up who the first occupants were. Sure, they might be considered indigenous because of this, but “indigenous” means that they either originated, or occurred naturally in the area, which could easily mean that their ancestors just came to Japan under a much different name at a time long before the imperial system came to be.

Kaya, though somewhat surprised by the outlander’s knowledge of his people,

Did Kaya just get gender-bent?!

Paulo: There was a mage in my platoon who suffered such an incident once. “She” was quite red in the face for the duration of the time it took “her” to revert back.

Hey, if you’re not doing it to yourself willingly, I imagine it must be uncomfortable as hell.

Paulo: Quite, especially considering that “she” was still in full armor plating when it happened.

Ooh. Those aren’t known for being the most flexible suits, huh?

Paulo: Indeed not.

answered the question, “Yes, we are their descendants.”

Alex crossed his arms and looked upward. “Now wait a minute, I’m no expert in history. Heck, I flunked the class,

We can tell.

Shades: It’s really obvious.

Paulo: Even my platoon and I, as rookies, could have seen that.

but weren’t the Amishi all wiped out in the eight-hundreds? At least twelve hundred years ago?”

No, they were subjugated. In fact, afterwards, many even still managed to retain their own mini-feudalism governments amongst themselves. They did eventually either die out or get combined with the general populace, around the time of the sixteen hundreds or so, but they were NEVER “wiped out.”

Also, 2009 – 1200 = 809. Japan established their first imperial capital in the year 710, A.D. The Emishi were subjugated only eighty years later, in 790 A.D. You’re eighty-one years off the mark, pal.

“Our people were wiped out, and driven into the eastern land,” Kaya answered. “But it has only been five hundred years since it had happened.”

This is getting painful…

1. If you were wiped out, your entire culture would be destroyed. You wouldn’t even be alive. Being wiped out means that literally EVERYBODY DIES.

2. 809 + 500 = 1309. The movie takes place in the LATE MUROMACHI PERIOD, like the 1560’s-70’s. Furthermore, as firearm technology is a basic, but somewhat evolved thing in the movies, if this were in the year 1309, there would not BE any basic, but somewhat evolved firearm technology in Japan right at the moment, because firearms in the 1300’s were basically just these:

Ladies and gentlemen: A teppō. Basically an iron tube that you stuffed gunpowder and shot into, threw a match in, and got your hand the FUCK out of the way of the resulting blast.

Ladies and gentlemen: A teppō. Basically an iron tube that you stuffed gunpowder and shot into, threw a match in, and got your hand the FUCK out of the way of the resulting blast.

So now you’re a whole two hundred and fifty-something years wrong, AND you just fucked the chronology for one of the biggest points in the movie! God DAMN, would it kill you to do your fucking research every once in a while?!

Paulo: He becomes quite frightening when he is angry.

Shades: Wait until he takes his glasses off.

Alex just stared. “That can’t be right,” he replied, “That would mean that the Amishi were all killed off in the 1500s. Either you’ve got your dates wrong, or I’m a bigger history flop-out than I thought.”

IMG_683474479445407

He frowned, “Either way, this whole thing just doesn’t make any sense.”

Welcome to my side of the motherfucking riff.

Paulo: No need to worry about refreshments, as there are none.

“Why is that?”

“Well for starters, you people living in seclusion like this for as long as you have is just too hard to believe. I mean, someone other than a few merchants would’ve discovered you by now.

Yeah. They’re called THE REST OF JAPAN. Did I not say that it was difficult, but not impossible to reach the Emishi people’s corners of Honshu?

Scientists spend years looking for villages like this. It’s just not possible for a group of people like you guys to live in a country like Japan and not be noticed after all this time!”

Shades: Anybody else get the feeling that this idiot is trying to double back on his own stupidity and say the shit we’ve been saying to try and make himself seem smarter? Because I’m pretty sure we literally just confirmed that the Emishi were known by the rest of Japan.

Well it sure ain’t working with me!

“I understand your disbelief, but…”

“And then there’s the subject of the Amishi,” Alex continued, “If you and your people here are really Amishi, I just can’t see how your ancestors could’ve been wiped out in the fifteen-hundreds. the Amishi were well extinct by then.”

I-

You-

I just-

I can’t-

tumblr_m3ij4fEq431rtv7tno1_400

But before Kaya could go into an argument with this, the warriors stopped as they pointed to the Oracle’s Shrine.

Oh thank CHRIST. Now I can end this riff before I start exploding shit.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Hopefully I can be done with this chapter in three parts because oh my God, I’m going insane trying to deal with this crap. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Shades and Sir Paulo Rori, I’ll see you next time!

…Whew.

Shades: I’m amazed your glasses stayed on during all that.

Yeah, shit, so am I! Usually when I get this upset, I go completely off the wall.

Paulo: If that was you on the verge, I am terrified at the prospect of seeing you go over the edge.

Just remember to duck, and you should be okay.

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43 Comments on “1082: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Four, Part Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Kaya followed next to him

    *frown*

    How does Kaya follow someone while being next to them? I… what?

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “My. Aren’t I the popular one,” Alex grinned and waved at the warriors, who just scowled in response.

    We’re not supposed to like this smarmy douchebag, right?

    • SC says:

      Uh, I think the author intends for us to see him as the hero?

      I don’t know WHY, but I’m pretty sure that’s the case.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Shades: The hell I would. I sound like a dying whale.

    Hey, you can keep consistent rhythm. Here’s Hugh Laurie’s attempt at that:

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you anymore,”

    Wait, so you told him once already, but you refuse to repeat it?

    *shrug*

    Not that I can blame her, really. I wouldn’t want to explain things twice to this dumbass if he can’t be bothered to remember it the first time.

    • SC says:

      Plus the audience already knows, so as much as I complain, I kind of appreciate that she avoided being an exposition fairy.

      At least… Here, she avoided it.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Heck, I flunked the class,

    Then what the fuck possessed you to think you had the skillset to write a period piece? And don’t pretend it isn’t, Stoneman: you’re writing in Princess Mononoke, it counts as a fucking period piece.

    • SC says:

      “Flunked” indicates that he tried not to suck and failed, which means that he bothered paying attention in the first place, which I’m pretty sure he didn’t.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Another good reason never to write flagrant author insertions. It will mean that any negative trait you try to give your characters will immediately reflect on you.

      And in this case, it’s very apropos, so it’s not even us unfairly assuming this trait reflects on the author.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “And then there’s the subject of the Amishi,” Alex continued, “If you and your people here are really Amishi, I just can’t see how your ancestors could’ve been wiped out in the fifteen-hundreds. the Amishi were well extinct by then.”

    *BAM*

    Smell the coffee, dumbass!

    *headdesk*

    Jesus, how does it take you this fucking long to realize you’re not in the present anymore!?

  7. GhostCat says:

    …as this was during a period where Japan was not necessarily welcoming of outsiders,…

    A.K.A. most of Japanese history.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    This is one hell of a timesquiggle.

  9. CrunchyRaptor says:

    No need to worry about refreshments, as there are none.

    Gumdrop! Cancel the drink shipment, I woefully misread the Librarians’ desire to have a fully-stocked bar.

    • Gumdrop says:

      :Gumdrop wanders in, using an industrial-sized crazy straw to drink from a large jug of cherry-flavored sodium hydroxide:

      Wait, Gumdrop was supposed to get drinks for Lye Berry?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        You two have some splainin’ to do.

      • CrunchyRaptor says:

        It was going to be a Sithmas present, but now the surprise is ruined. Worry not! I shall cook up some other vice-enhancing gift in short order.

      • Gumdrop says:

        Gumdrop make cookies!

      • SC says:

        Paulo: Why do the dragons speak? What magic is this?

        Actually, they’re dinosaurs, and I’m pretty sure one is shenanigans and the other is just villainy.

      • Gumdrop says:

        Gumdrop not dragon, Ghostie say Gumdrop a tranny sauce wrecks.

        Shiny man want cookies?

      • CrunchyRaptor says:

        It required quite a bit of de-evolution by the Sith in order to provide me the capacity to speak this barbaric monkey tongue, but I find that it did improve interspecies relations. In that the monkeys tended to be far more obedient when able to comprehend the threats and accompanying instructions. A fair trade for such linguistic sullying.

      • SC says:

        Paulo: …My confusion is palpable.

        It’s okay, it took me a bit to get used to it, too. Now I don’t even notice!

        …EXCEPT FOR WHEN FUCKING GUMDROP STEPS ON MY FOOT!

      • Gumdrop says:

        Oops. :steps back: Sorry, tasty meat man. Don’t tell Shiny Bee; Gumdrop don’t want to make scary little friend angry.


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