1080: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter SixPosted: June 18, 2015
Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media: Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back to more FaCe ThE StRaNgE. Well, ladies and gents, I don’t think I really have to tell you that it’s only gonna go downhill from here. And me personally, I’m not really looking forward to it. This is seriously gonna suck.
Why do I have a horrible feeling about this?
We start our next chapter with this:
Dally was cryeing in the hospital. Hiei ran away cuz if he stayed the narks would think he had beat her.
Why would the narks be in the hospital? I mean, I guess they would be stupid enough to think that a pregnant woman with no visible bumps anywhere on her body had been beaten up by someone, but c’mon!
Shadow came into the room. “What’s goin on??” he asked while he asked while
Oh shit, DRD! Hide your children!
*hides under the table*
Unleash the tiny tiger!
[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]
Holy shit, tiny tigers can wreak lots of havoc. I mean, predatory cat and all that, but I wasn’t expecting him to be that crazy!
“Hi-hi-hi-hiei and I are th-th-thorough!” she sobbed, “It t-t-t-urms out hes a f-f-f-faggot just like D-d-d-dumbledooooreeee!!” and then she wailed all over.
Well, looks like I was right to pre-emptively buzz Dally at the end of the last installment. Seriously, what the fuck?
I mean, come on! You were told in an earlier chapter that Jack Skellington was bisexual! Has it not occurred to you that Hiei might be bi too? Or are you too much of a stuck-up bitch to remember when he clearly enjoyed having sex with you? I mean, shit, you don’t have sex thousands of times with the same person and then be like “oh, he’s gay”! Especially with another bisexual character in there!?
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Wow. I just… wow.
Let’s just move on…
“Oh Dally I’m so sorry,” he circumcised,
Whoah, Shadow! Why the hell are you trying to give Dally a circumcision while she’s pregnant? That is just… that is trauma she does not need, you know! Get the knife away from there!
“But listen, weave just been given an anonymous tit about where Dumbledore is…
It was one of the tits that was abandoned by someone who had that double mastectomy, you see! It opened its mouth and told us the secrets of the universe!
so we have to go… do you want wand of us to stay here with you while you birth?”
While she births? Even by the accelerated pregnancy rate exhibited by Twilight-verse vampires, this is going a bit fast, don’t you think? She probably won’t be due for another few weeks, you know!
“No… you must go to fight the good fight,” Dally said bravely,
She said bravely, about the killing of a gay man.
Fuck Progress Count: 11
Jeez, they don’t even hand the death penalty to pedophiles in states that have it, and yet we’re seeing vigilante justice do that? No!
“Besides I think I still gotta lil bit bonger cuz the baby stopped kicking…”
Bwa? How the hell did I do that? I didn’t… I didn’t have any liquid in there, for fuck’s sake!
Dally, how the hell is the baby kicking now? You literally found out you were pregnant today! What the fuck is this one-day pregnancy, why is it happening, and what the fuck am I watching here!?
“Is it dead?!” asked Shadow bewigged.
No, it’s still a bunch of cells that shouldn’t even be thinking about kicking ‘cause guess who hasn’t formed any legs to actually kick with at this point?
“No because we took an x-ray.. its ok its healthy, just GO NOW!” she commanded.
And that baby is now gonna die in vitro thanks to radiation exposure. Good job, hospital. You fail at life!
Also, how the hell did Hogwarts get an X-Ray machine in there? I’d really like to know that, and also how it’s still goddamn functional.
So the boys ran off. The place where the tip was that Dumbledore was was in the Hagrid’s house.
What, you mean the little hut that’s literally just a two-minute walk away from Hogwarts? Why the hell would he be—?
Apparently Hagrid and Dumbledore are cloys friends like bfff (buttfucking friends forever)
*headdesks onto buzzer*
Fuck Progress Count: 12
Wow. You know, I was hanging around the gay street in Vancouver when I was there for a week, and I ended up chilling at one of the gay bars. Not once did I ever hear that term anywhere. I mean, Dallas, I know you’re not being serious, but are you trying to offend some…
Actually, you know what? Don’t answer that question.
and so they heard from his dog, Axle, that he was in there (the dog learned to speak from bean around wizards so much)
*runs to the Forbidden section of the Library*
*takes out a book*
… That’s what I thought.
*closes book runs back to the riffing chamber*
THERE ARE NO TALKING ANIMALS IN HARRY POTTER! There are only magical creatures, some of which can talk! But talking dogs? And they talk ‘cause they’re next to wizards?
Someone’s trying way too hard to do stuff!
and THEN THEY WERE OFF to where Dumbledore was.
Can someone please feed these guys the posion?
But the journey there was awkwart because Hiei and Edward weren’t getting along.
Oh, right, hang on, we have to interrupt the plot to bring you this completely arbitrary pissing contest over a girl.
Why the fuck are you two still going at this? Come on, just break it up!
They kept glaring at each other and then Link noticed “Come on guys what is going on guys?” he asked being a good guy and breaking it up.
Thank you, Link.
“Hie is a shit,” Edward grred.
You know, I’d love to see how you could “grr” vowels, ladies and gentlemen. That would be an interesting experience.
“Yeah well at least I didtnt KILL MY FUCKEN GIRLFRIEND” Hiei shouted.
*raises his hand, then pauses*
He’s got you there, Edward.
“LOOK LOOK CALM DOWN NO NEED FOR VIOLINS,” Link stated with reason
Hey, hey! Just because those pesky violins keep stealing rep from every other orchestral instrument doesn’t mean we don’t need them? Shit dude, I still want to be able to hear this:
Oh, so moving…
But then Sasuke thought of something. “OMG fuck… I forgot…” he whisper… “Listen, I Know why we can’t defeat that pillow biter…”
Pillow biter? And that’s…?
*goes to Uncle Google*
Huh. According to Uncle Google, pillow biting is actually looked down on in the gay community.
Fuck Progress Count: 13
“Why?” asked Sasuke
Wait, so Sasuke thinks “wait, I know why we can’t defeat that”… um… “word I’m not gonna say”, and then he asks himself?
Do you know or not? Make up your mind!
“Its because… remember how Harrys mom and dad saved him through love?” he answered
“Yes that’s when Cedric died” Shadow said soberly…
Yes, but what does that have to do with—?
Megan cryed at the mammary…
Oh hai random Ravenclaw person that may be Dally’s friend! Glad to see that you’ve suddenly popped into the scene for one line! So are you going to tell us what the hell Harry Potter’s parents saving him through love has to do with all this?
“Well… it’s the same here. We need two people who love Dally the most to savor her… and mix together.”
Well, I know some people are into threesomes, but how the hell are they gonna get it on while Dally is going on through what must be the shortest pregnancy ever recorded in human history?
Everyone looked at each other. They all wanted to say the loved her the toast,
Wait, they all loved her the toast?
Oh my God, Dally got turned into a piece of toast! Holy shit, this fic is a prequel to I Am Bread! Ah! Run!
*hides under the bed.
but they all knew… it was Hiei and Edward, the nemesis’s.
“You know what to do…” said Sasuke, “Do it if you really love her like yu sau”
“Okay… are you ready, Hiei?” Edward said. He was kinda scared, it was a big step…
“Yes….. …. ….” Hiei said, “Ahem….. FUUUUUUUUU-“
“SIIIOOOONNNNN” said Edward
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” they said in unison
Um, what the fuck just happened?
Hey! You’re not allowed to steal Alma, fic! I use Alma on you! That’s the order of things around here!
They mixed together to form…. PLATINUM BILLY!
It was Billy Martin (from Good Charlotte) with platinum blonde hair. “Omg…” said Sasuke, “That’s SO wrong… but sooo hot!”
Goddammit, Dallas, really? You had Edward and Hiei fuse together to form Platinum Billy? I… what? When did this turn into Pacific Rim?
Platinum Billy makes a face… “omg I feel so powerful…”
Is it the power of Greyskull? No?
THEN I DON’T WANT TO GODDAMN HEAR IT!
“I think its time for the fight…” said Shadow now feeling condo about the team.
What would the point be of using Chaos Control to send them all to a condo at this point?
“But wait… your strong enough… I can go back to the hospital to see Delly rigtht?”
“Well yea I guess… well get your back Shady,” said Plat. B.
“We all have to go!” “No we don’t, because magic!”
It’s nice to know that this fic is about as consistent as a Republican congressman.
Shadow went back to the hospital. He saw Dally was all alone raiding “Cosmo”.
Whoah! A pregnant woman managing to raid the headquarters of Cosmopolitan? Okay, I’ve gotta admit, that’s pretty impressive. Dally just earned more respect in my—
There was an article about sex tips and it kinda make him blush.
Oh… So she was reading a magazine.
Aw… I want my pregnant lady angrily storming the publication that encourages vanity among women!
“Hey… Dally how are you failing?” he asked her truly
Epically, Shadow. She is failing epically. I mean, seriously, she hasn’t even left high school and she’s already been knocked up by her anime boyfriend!
“I’m good.. will you sing me a song?” she asked.
“okay,” he said and then he warmed up his vochal cords:
And then he promptly sang this:
Okay, okay, that’s not what actually happens. That would’ve been hilarious.
Instead, we get this:
“youre my honey bunch sugar puff
Hubby ubby umpkins
Youre my sweetie pie
Youre my cuppy cake gumdrop
Shnoogum boogum you’re
The apple of my eye…”
Jesus Christ, add a little more sugar to that and it’ll be enough to give the whole world diabetes.
Seriously, Shadow, what the hell did you sing that song for?
“awww,” she cooed, “That was so sweet… will you give me a hug?”
He went over to hug her.. .he felt the bumpof her belly but even more then that he felt her large breats. The room was cold (from Edward being in there he made it cold) so her nipples breast against his chest… He had to pull away quick befire he got hard…
Goddammit, does everyone get a boner for Dally in this stupid-ass story? Why? What the hell is Dally? I mean… the picture that was provided on the site? I’m sorry, Dallas, but you’re just not that pretty. Neither is your anime stand-in, for that matter. And let’s face it, her looks are the only thing she’s got going for her, because she’s such a massive bitch given how she treated poor Bella. (Poor Bella. There’s a phrase I never thought I’d say…) So why the hell is everyone getting the hots for her?
“I have to go,” he said “they need me at chagrin … sorry..”
So she was all alone… again in the wing.
Trust me, alone in the wing is the only place you’ll survive.
Well, I think I’ve had my fill for this week, guys. I’m gonna go ahead and end it off here before the inevitable WTFckery of next week shows up. I shall see you peeps then!