1079: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Fifteen

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

How has your new boardgame night been going?

“Fabulously! The folks at the DRD are really far more personable than y’all made them out to be.”

Well, I’m glad you’re making friends, at least. Let’s just jump right into the sum-up from last time.

Let’s see here, we started off with some situational poisoning that started with Shana feeling faint, then recovering and becoming temporarily immune due to a short rest. After that, the team decided to all stand on a giant spider-web because plot. This led to a sudden, yet predicable, fall into the caves, whereupon they met up with Feyrbrand and his dragoon, Greham. After some taunting, our character blob unleashed some daybook fighting which resulted in their victory. Just before he dies, Greham pulls a Darth Vader and hands the dragon spirit over to Lavitz who, despite being a bit of a sexist douchenozzle, is chosen as the dragoon of wind. At this point the plot catches up with them and attacks Shana, whose poison immunity suddenly wears off and collapses. We join our team as they rush to get help in nearby Lohan.

Chapter XV: Shana’s Plight

A very over-dramatic way of saying ‘She dun got the poisons.’

Racing through the busy crowds of Lohan as soon as they arrived, the five frantically asked for directions to the doctor’s residence.

Guys, if you slowed the hell down and actually stopped to listen to the replies, you might actually be able to find the doctor.

“Give them a break, they’re panicked and not thinking straight.”

I suppose that is true. Even so, you’d think that at least the head knight of Basil would be a little more composed under pressure.

After being guided to a small residential area, where the doctor they were seeking has been told of their arrival.

Having been told by the plot, of course.

“The plot is so very helpful in this fic. Really been doing a good job keeping things moving along!”

Upon taking Shana in, Stryfe could see that the look on his face wasn’t a good one as he observed Shana’s condition.

No woof?

“Whatever for? The doctor being concerned? That’s his job, Taco.”

No, that sentence is awkward as crap!

“It’s not the sentences fault. Not everyone can be suave in public.”

Uh… wha?

Doctor: I couldn’t believe it was the Dragon’s poison until I saw it with my own eyes. I’ve never seen such symptoms before.

You’ve never seen unconscious before?

“Probably doesn’t see a whole lot of poisoning in this little town.”

But Lohan is freaking huge, and right near a forest filled with poison!

“They must be pretty good about keeping people away from there, then.”

But… that… GAH!

Stryfe: Isn’t there anything you can do for her, Sanator?

Oh hai, Sanator. Don’t actually have a link for him because his part in the game is so small he doesn’t actually have a wiki page. He’s the doctor of Lohan, he does doctor stuff.

Sanator: There is nothing wrong with her body…at least that’s how it seems.

“That’s right! She can look however she wants and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I’m not thinking that’s what he meant.

But her consciousness has closed inward after she arrived here.

The hell does that even mean? Can I see your medical license again, please?

It seems the mind is being poisoned, not the body.

Dude, the brain is part of the body. Seriously, though, can you just pull out that license, I’d really like to read it.

I don’t think the clinic can help her.

You don’t have a license, do you? You’re basically the fantasy version of Dr. Zed, aren’t you?

I’m sorry, but in this condition, it could be a week at most.

“Oh, she’ll recover on her own in a week. Just some more rest and she’ll be good to go!”

Not thinking that’s what he meant.

Stryfe: No…

Dart: There must be something we can do!

Well, there is a pretty good selection of undertakers in town. You might take this as an opportunity to shop around for a good rate.

“That’s pretty mean, Taco. Their friend is dying and you’re cracking jokes!”

Okay, what the hell is going on with you today? You’ve been off-the-mark ever since we started.

“Really, Taco? You’re here making fun of people in such a dire situation and I’m the one who’s wrong? Maybe you should stop and try to see things through their eyes for a few minutes. Jeff’s always saying how people would get along better if-”

Hold on there. Jeff? Your sensitivity trainer? Is that where this is all coming from?

“I’m just saying that you’d be a lot nicer of a person if you took a few minutes to look at things from Stryfe’s point of view here!”

Oh dammit all. I should have seen this coming. Cooperative board games, a sensitivity trainer, and friendly DRD agents; it all adds up now. CRUNCHY! Get your evil butt in here!

*Crunchy slinks in*

C: Yes, Taco?

Swenia’s been brainwashed by a sensitivity trainer. Good one, too. Made her want to continue going to the brainwashing sessions.

C: That is not a nice thing to insinuate about Jeff. He always has the best interest of his pupils in mind. He makes them better people by allowing them to live for a moment in the viewpoints of others before doing things that might hurt them.

Well… shit. Swenia brought you to boardgame night, didn’t she?

C: Of course. It was a great time, and Jeff is an absolute treat of a man! Not to mention those wonderful chaps we played with.


*Eliza bounces in*

E: Yes, Taco?

Tell me, what do you think of this ‘Stryfe’ character in my current fic?

E: He’s a bit misguided, but with a little tutelage, could be a decent person. If nothing else, he could think of others a bit more.

Well, at least you’re still fine. It looks like Crunchy and Swenia have been brainwashed by a puppet master.

S: Silly Taco, Jeff doesn’t have any puppets!

C: Though I am sure he would be masterful with them if he did have puppets.

E: I was wondering why Crunchy was so much easier to get along with this past week. What do you want me to do?

I need you to start the deprogramming.

E: What do you have in mind?

I’ve got a sure thing. Here, take this:

*Taco reaches under the desk and pulls out a copy of Diplomacy, which he hands to Eliza*

Take them into the next room; sit them down with Shinobi-San, Ishi, Chadze, and a pair of darkwraiths; and let nature take its course. And once you’ve got them settled, get back here. I need somebody sitting co-pilot for this since it’s powerfully boring doing it on my own.

E: Gotcha! C’mon you-two, we’re going to play some boardgames!

Both: YAY!

*Eliza leaves with Swenia and Crunchy in tow*

Ech, what a mess. Speaking of a mess.

Sanator: I’ll do everything I can. What was such a beautiful woman doing with a legendary monster?

Well, to be fair, Shana and Slippy aren’t together and-

Oh. He was talking about the dragon. Right.

Also, back off, Doctor Creepy. Would it hurt to maintain a little professional detachment here?

Lavitz: She fought against it to save the country! Think hard, doc! Isn’t there anything you can do!?

Sanator: Wait. Hold on.

Sanator went to his desk and pulled out a small book. After looking through the pages for almost thirty minutes, he put his finger on one of the pages.

Maybe you should have offered them something to sit on or a drink or something, Doc. Making them stand around while you do medical research is a bit of a dick move, bro.

Sanator: If we can get some Dragoni Plant, she may survive.

*Eliza bounces back in*

“He spelled iDragon wrong.”


“You know, the new Macintosh portable dragon. He spelled it wrong.  Anyway, are you sure that game is going to do the trick?  All they did after setting it up was spit Europe seven ways, sign a universal non-aggression pact, and start laying out plans for a utopia.”

Give it a little time to work its magic. Fifteen to twenty minutes, tops.

Dart: Really!?

Stryfe: Where is this Dragoni Plant!?

I don’t think they’re talking about the iDragon.

“A shame. I’ll admit the release was kinda rocky, what with the all the third degree burns, but with the new firmware it’s looking like a good alternative for people who need a dragon on the go and don’t want to lug a full wyrm around.”

Sanator: That’s the problem. As with Dragons, Dragoni Plant exists only in legend. I cannot say for sure if it really exists.

And yet you somehow know that it can be used in treating poison that affects the mind. That’s a rather random bit of suspiciously useful information to have about an herb that might not even exist.

“Not to mention he had a book sitting on his desk that references this mythical plant.”

I sense the subtle hand of the PCC at work.

Dart: Even so…We cannot wait like this, doing nothing!

“You could take the opportunity to learn how to juggle.”

Stryfe: Then let’s go look for the Dragoni Plant on our own! We at least might be able to find something about it in this town!

I’d complain about the likelihood of this, but Lohan actually does have some impressively large libraries as well as being a commerce hub for several different countries. You’re really not going to find a better city to do this kind of research.

However, I’m not going to forgive the fact that this idea was originally Lavitz’s. In fact, canonically Stryfe’s line doesn’t exist and instead we move right on to this line, which was left in the fic because reasons:

Lavitz: Lohan is a commercial town where all are welcome. There should be someone with information here!

See, if you remove Shrinky’s line, the conversation still makes sense but credit for moving things forward goes to Lavitz.


Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 24

If you can’t come up with a reason for your insertion to be in the fic, at the very least you shouldn’t steal that validation from other characters. Especially if your character is just a clone of one of the other characters.

Sanator: Alright. Although it is temporary, I will try to stall the poisoning. They don’t call me the best doctor in Endiness for nothing! I will rise to the occasion, no matter how hard it is!

*Snerk* “He will rise to the occasion despite it being hard. Ehehehehehe!”

Swenia has been such a bad influence on you.

Stryfe: Thanks, Sanator! Come on, you guys!

“That’s ‘Doctor Sanator’ to you, Sty-”

S: Chadze, we agreed to take turns on the neutral supply centers! Why are you putting more troops in the surrounding territory when it’s my turn next!?

Cz: I quite understand that the four of you are endeavoring to create your little utopia, which I am more than happy to support once it is off the ground. But until then, I must protect my interests against the possibility of Chinese invasion. As the holder of the Eastern territories, I have much more pressing need for troops than any of you. If that means reinforcing one of the supply centers to assure our mutual safety, then so be it.

S: But China isn’t part of the game!

Cz: China is always part of the game, dear.

Right on schedule, I see.

Leaving the doctor’s residence, Stryfe, Rose, Dart and Lavitz searched around the apartments and local shops for any information on the Dragoni Plant.

Which are exactly the wrong places to check for information in this case. You want to hunt around the docks, libraries, and any local trade centers that have stall rentals. Local shops and residents aren’t going to know any more than the doctor; you need to find foreigners or look through libraries for obscure herbology books.

After searching for some time, they came across a unique antique shop that was recommended by many of the locals.

“I suppose that’s sort of a step in the right direction. An antique shop has the potential for old, obscure books, or a shopkeeper who is familiar with them.”

Shop Owner: Welcome! I am Dabas, the owner of this fine establishment here!

Stryfe: Hello, Dabas.

Dabas: I’m glad you folks are here! Buisness has been kinda slow recently. Barely getting any customers.

Dart: Sorry to hear that.

Dabas: So, what are you four here for!? You can find ANYTHING in Dabas’ Antiques.

“Anything? Huh, I guess the PCC has an outlet in Lohan, too.”

Well, it is a bustling trade center. I doubt the PCC would let an opportunity like that pass them by.

Stryfe: Do you carry herbs by any chance too?

I question the efficacy of any herb old enough to be classified as an antique. They do have a shelf life, you know.

Dabas: You got it! I have everything! From extremely rare medicine to the secretly magical ones!

“This might be the root of why his business is slow. There can’t be much of a market for antique medicine.”

Dart: Have you heard of the Dragoni Plant? It is an extremely rare herb that we need to save someone!

“Well, not much call for that. Luckily, I do have a big bag full of it because it’s so very com-”

Stryfe: She’s a good friend of ours! We really need one to help her!

“… very completely expensive and rare. I suppose I could let you have some though. How much do you have on you?”

They are very not good at haggling.

Dabas: The Dragoni Plant?

Dart: Do you have it?

Dabas: No.

So, it turns out there’s a two-for-one deal on cemetery plots if you don’t mind a little posthumous time-sharing.

Stryfe: This is serious! Stop joking around! You’ve obviously heard of it!

Dude, stop being a douchenozzle. Just because the guy doesn’t have the thing you need in stock is no reason to be insufferable.

Dabas: Oh no, don’t get mad! I was just kidding! But, let me think harder, because I remember hearing about it from somewhere.

“Poor guy is scared for his life.”

He’s just trying to stall for time until the silent alarm gets invented so he can call for help.

Stryfe: I guess that’s better than nothing.

Shut your word-hole, you overflowing bag of ass.

After a few minutes of thinking, Dabas snapped his fingers and pulled out a notebook from a nearby desk. As he looked through the pages, he eventually found what he was looking for.

“For a mythical plant that people have apparently not needed to think about in a while, there is a suspiciously large number of books just laying around with pertinent information about it.”

S: Crunchy, why did you attack the Belgians!? We agreed to let Belgium remain neutral as part of the New Utopia peace accords!

C: It was inevitable. There cannot be neutral parties if the Utopia is to succeed. All must become part of the new order or be crushed to make way for lasting peace. It is for their own good, Swenia. If you take a moment to see things from their point of view, you would know that they are far better off being conquered by me.

S: This is a Utopia, not an empire!

C: Hmm. You are correct. Negotiation phase! First order of business, I motion for the name of ‘New Utopia’ to be altered to ‘The New Utopian Empire’.

Cz: Seconded!

C: Motion is seconded, the members will now vote.

C: Majority vote of six nations to one means the motion is carried. I welcome you all to The New Utopian Empire, may the world tremble at our peaceful might.


Working like a charm.

Dabas: Ah ha! Here it is! It says north of the poisoned forest. Past the troublesome plant. Observed Dragoni Plant in the back of the Shrine!

“That’s oddly specific.”

I think he may just be trying to get rid of them before Stinky turns violent.

Lavitz: Strange plant?

“Not strange. Troublesome.”

Basically one of these:

But a plant.

Stryfe: Wasn’t there something like that back in the area where Shana was catching her breath?

Dart: Yeah…Yeah, there was!

*Facepalm* Really?

Rose: That plant must have become a monster because of Feyrbrand’s poison…But we cannot get past it unless we purify it with something.

“I recommend a unicorn smoothie!”

That’s your solution for everything.

“Because it works for everything!”

Stryfe: What about the Spring Water we found underground!? That might help!

Or you could use fire. It is a plant after all. You even have a dude on your team who can produce fire on demand.

Dart: It’s worth a shot! Thanks Dabas!

Dabas: Hey!? What about shopping!? That’s all!?

Poor sap, forgot to ask for the money before giving out the information.

“Last time he’ll make that mistake, I’m sure.”

Ahh, yet another character blob destroying people’s trust in others, one shopkeeper at a time.

Stryfe, Dart, Rose and Lavitz didn’t even turn back to respond.

Apparently Spittle’s case of extreme douchebaggery is contagious.

Since they had plenty of containers to hold water, they left Lohan and headed back into the Dragon’s Nest. Although it’s only been a day since Feyrbrand was defeated, Stryfe began to notice that the plants in the forest were beginning to become green again, and the strange puffs that appeared in the air that were filled with the Dragon’s poison were no longer showing themselves.



“Those tense changes are making me nauseous.”

Ah yeah, sorry. Forgot to mention those.  There’s a some melodramamine in the drawer there.

After heading back into the cavern to retrieve the spring water, the four traveled back to the area where Shana took a small rest last time they were there. Upon traveling past the overgrown vine tree, Stryfe, Dart, Rose and Lavitz saw the very plant that was blocking thier path to the Shrine.

The same plant that was totally described previously. Totally.  You don’t need to go back and check, it’s in the fic.  Really.  It is.



Carbon Copy Syndrome: 55

Standing in front of the plant, Stryfe opened the canteen filled with Spring Water and threw it onto the plant.

“Did he just bean the plant with the canteen of water!?”

He can’t even put water on a plant without being a jerk about it, can he?

S: Okay, asshole, back off my borders or we’re going to have a problem.

I: Apologies, Swenia-chan, but the clans require more room for their Tan’ya-ba no batā.

S: The hell they do!  You’ve got more than enough butter to defend yourselves!

I: You must understand that the increasing military might of Chadze-san has made the production of additional armaments vital to the clans’ continued existence.

S: Leaving my territory the hell alone is about to become vital to the clan’s continued existence!

I: Apologies, but I am afraid that we have far more troops on the map, Swenia-chan.

S: I wasn’t talking about the ones in the game.

C: As interesting as that is, can I get the motion seconded to declare me undisputed ruler of The New Utopian Empire?

S: Shut it, Crunchy!

Ahh, music to my ears.

“That is proving to be amazingly effective.”

Diplomacy is good at one thing, and that’s making you angry at your friends while simultaneously teaching you how to be a devious and horrible person. We needed both of those for different people.

“Are you really sure you wanted them back to normal?”

I’ll probably regret it later, but for now it feels like a victory.

In a matter of seconds, the plant began to wilt and die, clearing the pathway to the Shrine.

“Oh noes!! He filled the canteen from the pool of hydrochloric acid instead of the spring water!”

Exiting the forest, Stryfe felt his mind race as he moved as fast as his legs could carry him.

Did he just leave everyone else behind?

“Either that, or they took off and hoped to get out of Lohan before he caught up.”

That actually seems more likely.

He knew they had to make it back to Lohan before the week was up, cause after that point, it would be too late…

Well, it’s been about a minute since you left Lohan, and in that time you got the water, killed the troublesome plant, and retrieved the miracle cure. Since you’re already on your way back to Lohan, I’d bet you’ll make it before lunch.

Now that that’s out of the way, author, WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP ENDING YOUR CHAPT-

*Eliza tackles Taco out of his chair and sits on his chest*

“Maybe I should call Jeff and see if he can cure you of these freakouts.”

Oh no, you aren’t handing me off to the puppet master!

“Well, I won’t if you behave yourself.”


“Until next week, patrons!”


34 Comments on “1079: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Fifteen”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    After being guided to a small residential area, where the doctor they were seeking has been told of their arrival.

    After they were guided there… what exactly happened?


    You know, one of my professors had an exercise, where he warned us that not all sentence fragments are short and that not all long sentences are run-on sentences. I think this author could’ve learned from that.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    But her consciousness has closed inward after she arrived here.


    Did this fic suddenly get written by Captain Africa when I wasn’t looking? What is this!?

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Making them stand around while you do medical research is a bit of a dick move, bro.

    Especially when it takes you half an hour!


  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Dabas: I’m glad you folks are here! Buisness has been kinda slow recently. Barely getting any customers.

    Wait, when did the setting get shifted to the Deep South?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    It seems the mind is being poisoned, not the body.

    Oh, shit!

    Quickly, stick this on the forest, and then run!

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      I don’t get it. What’s the joke?

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        A memetic hazard (term used by the SCP Foundation and a few other places) could be thought of as a dangerously and infectiously bad idea, or (as here) some sort of idea or metal input that causes direct harm to anyone who thinks about it. Since apparently Shana’s “mind has been poisoned”, we have to conclude that something in the forest is memetically hazardous.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Maybe it’s fear. After all, fear is the mind killer.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Stryfe: This is serious! Stop joking around! You’ve obviously heard of it!


    Are we supposed to like this unlikable asshat? I feel like this is the third time I’ve asked, but I just want to make sure…

    • TacoMagic says:

      Maybe a few times. Per chapter…

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I’d say that the author was trying to write a Magnificent Bastard protagonist, except for the fact that Stryper is also about as far from magnificent as it is possible for a human to get.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Given his interactions with the others and his somewhat token defense of Shana, I don’t think that’s the case.

        It’s more along the lines of the author trying to make sure that Stimpy is always the morally right one, but the author makes the pretty common mistake of assuming being right gives you free reign to be a vengeful dick about it. It also doesn’t help that these cases of Sludge being “right” are painfully obvious setups against straw men.

        The author also seems to have a blind spot where maintaining the plot or being a badass gives his insertion a free pass. For instance, he didn’t do anything to try to stop Dart from going on the revenge quest despite his reservations. That made him complicit in a morally poor endeavor AND complicit in flat out lying to Shana about what they were doing, but it’s hand-waved as being okay because he was just going along to look after Dart.

        Basically the author thinks his character is a paladin, but doesn’t know how to write a good paladin, so instead we get somebody closer to the archetype of a mafia king pin. But without the cunning, dangerous intelligence normally found in mob bosses.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        So it’s the Parallel Realities problem all over again. Goddammit, we already had two of those, did we really need a third one?

        • TacoMagic says:

          Luckily Stripe isn’t nearly as bad as the other two, owing to how flagrant a copy of Dart he is. He never really develops into enough of a character to become anywhere as bad as Stupard 2.0.

          Really, Scrunchi is so fundamentally uninteresting and flat that his occasional bursts of jackassery barely make him Stupard Lite.

          90% of the time, though, he just wanders around stating the obvious and splorching along with the character blob.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Are you really sure you wanted them back to normal?”

    Yes, because they’re more fun that way. Stop being a killjoy, Eliza.

    • TacoMagic says:

      That’s a sentiment that will last right up until Crunchy gets into the key lime pie vault. Again.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Wait, he’s been doing that?

        *grabs Alma*

        All right, where is that Sith fucker?

      • Ishi says:

        *consults map*

        One believes Moukin-niisan is currently amassing Darkwraiths in front of the Western Marmot Depository in hopes of taking Swenia-chan’s squirrel mercenaries unaware.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, Crunchy’s plans are about to go royally wrong.

        *hefts Alma*


  8. "Lyle" says:

    *wipes tea off the monitor*

    Thomas reference caught me off guard. Well played.

  9. Tie Dye Mage says:

    So, it turns out there’s a two-for-one deal on cemetery plots if you don’t mind a little posthumous time-sharing.

    I’m assuming the second one would be reserved for Stringy?

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