1076: Philosopher of Earth – Chapter ThreePosted: June 14, 2015
Title: Philosopher of Earth
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Tragedy / Adventure / Sad / Human / Gore
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Crowbar
Oh hey-ho, everyone! This is The Magnificent Crowbar, and I am finally back with the next chapter of this… Trite.
Oh, and the last one was quite a while ago, so here’s a refresher.
Hoo boy, I should not feel even a little bit happy about this.
Anyways, here’s Philosopher of Earth, chapter 3! Enjoy.
*A painter secretly locks and barricades all exits from the viewing room*
Screw it. I decided to release the next three chapters daily. After that though, I’ll do the thursday thing.
+++The next morning, with yours truly+++
I awoke to a dazzling sun, It hung in the sky as in it were mid morning. Odd, I thought, I could’ve swore it was just dark… Oh well, sleep does funny things to the mind. I surveyed the surrounding area, mostly the twisted trees of this “Everfree” forest. It was however a stunning view.
“As in it were mid morning”.
Does that mean that the morning is inside the Sun? What the hell do you guys on ground have then? I… I have no idea…
Also, yes. Everfree. Stunning view, what with all the giant trees and vines.
*The Crowbar Overlord tosses a Painter into the Everfree forest and views through its eyes*
Yes. Trees covering everything beyond 50 or so meters. Stunning…
In the distance I thought I saw a shine of something metallic, that could be bad or good. Bad because my pursuers were already onto me, good because it was movement, and movement meant civilization, or a way to civilization, and my odds of survival greatly improved in a city or town.
Man, you should stop making it look like you know how to always think on pure logic. I know this is rather good logic, coming from you here, but it’s too late to redeem yourself.
So I made a mental note of the direction, and climbed down. I did however keep my ears pricked for any strange sounds. I took a few steps and suddenly realized that sleeping in a tree wasn’t my brightest idea ever. Ow. Stiff limbs, yay.
Oh great, you’re being pursued by a bunch of armed ponies who will most likely toss your ass in a dungeon, and all you can think of, is stiff limbs?
Who wants to bet on his survival odds? I put 50 credits on 10 minutes.
But survival took priority and I started my way towards what I hoped was a road or something similar.
Oh dammit, spoke to soon…
*The Crowbar takes back his credits while sighing*
Also, good luck finding a road in the middle of the Everfree!
Along the way I, thankfully, loosened up my muscles, and my body felt comfortable again. On the way I saw many strange plants, I, wisely, kept off them, as I had no idea if they were toxic or not. About an hour later, I found a path of sorts.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY UNNECESSARY COMMAS?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?!
Lyle, do you need some extra commas? If not, they’re going into the fucking shredder!
[*Lyle holds out the Spare Punctuation Box* Always! ~Lyle]
While someone/something had been there recently, it wasn’t used that much as it was fading in places. The tracks that I had used to determine that there was someone/something there recently were horseshoe shaped, so I presumed a rider on a horse or one of the unicorns. They seemed to go both ways, some one going and returning, or two people going opposite ways.
“The tracks that I had used to determine that there was someone/something there recently were horseshoe shaped”
What the fuck does that part of the sentence even mean?!
Wait, lemme decipher this… So he looked at some tracks on the road… And determined that whoever walked there was… Horseshoe shaped? I don’t know if that thing would look creepy or not…
And you presume that it’s either a rider on a horse or an unicorn? Oh, so Earth Ponies are suddenly simple pack animals, eh’?
Hey, everyone, this dude discriminates against Earth Ponies!
*The Crowbar sits back to view the ensuing chaos on racial arguments-turned-to-riots*
I didn’t hear anyone lop by, so they were going slow, or the shine was one person, possibly both. If it was one person, they were coming back, so I looked for the slightly older set of tracks and followed them, taking care to keep my own tracks to a minimum. I soon spotted what appeared to be an outskirts of a town.
Uh-huh, like you are the fucking expert at hiding your tracks.
And I sincerely doubt you can read tracks nearly as well as you think you can.
Can you believe this guy?
Fearing wary eyes, as I didn’t recognize the buildings, I lept into cover and began to survey the area. I didn’t see any thing yet, but buildings mean shelter, and shelter means something lives here.
Thaaank you, captain Obvious. We get it, you can think logically.
Occasionally… Now get on with it!
My suspicions prove to be correct as more unicorns, pegisi and horse like beings began to emerge from the buildings. They were a multitude of colors, colors I’ve never seen on a horse, pony, or donkey. The name Equestria popped back into my head. Where the hell was that? The horses, or ponies, whatever they could be called, seemed to begin socializing as humans would.
Aaand here’s a completely new misspelling of “pegasus”!
I think I need a counter for this…
I bet the one I snatched from Herr will work nicely! Just need to re-label it…
Pegasusus! – 3
I unknowingly began to slip deep into thoguht as I thought about these new discoveries, a dangerous state of mind for me as I don’t pay attention to the material world around me.
Yes, that tends to happen when you go deep into thought.
Also, if you acknowledge it’s a “dangerous state of mind”, why the fuck don’t you pull yourself out of it?
I was soon brought out of my stupor as someone very close to me began shouting.
“Apples! Apples! Git yer apples here!” Curious, and slightly startled, I began looking for the shouts source. A orange pony had set up a small stall almost directly in front of the bush I was hiding in. She, I noticer her shortened snout, had baskets of apples just sitting there behind the wooden cart she used as a stall.
What. How the fuck does one human being sneak right to the middle of Ponyville? Because that’s usually where all the freaking market stalls are set up at!
I call bullshit on this!
Suddenly realizing I hadn’t had a bite to eat for over 12 hours, I quickly, but stealthily grabbed one.
Every time someone says “quickly, but stealthily!”, I imagine them with a really long black coat with a hoodie and a knife lurking around…
Stealing is bad, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and I don’t think she would’ve reacted kindly to a six foot alien wanting apples, if the earlier unicorns and pegasi were anything to judge by. Unfortunately, I now was stuck in a bush behind her, if she turned around and examined the bush, she would’ve seen me. So, I slowly brought my dark green hoodie over my jeans and brought the hood up. It was indeed a little warm, but the bush was in the shade of a tree.
See?! This motherfucker is 6 feet tall! How the fuck did he sneak straight to the middle of town?!
And good merciful Crowbar, keep your urges to cover everything in commas under check!
Also, from “Apples! Apples!”, this whole thing has just been one massive fucking wall’o’text.
And taking the opportunity to study these strange creatures, I began eavesdropping on the orange pony. I soon found out that they indeed called themselves ponies, I’ll refer to them as thus from now on, and the owner of the stall, named Applejack, lives and worked on a apple orchard, a possible source of food, and that she was referred as an “earth pony” that is presumably her species as she has no wings or horn.
And this stupid wall’o’text has run-on sentences, too…
Also, how did you figure out she was an earth pony from some conversation between a salespony and a customer? I mean, I doubt anyone in Ponyville would go up to Applejack and say: “Hey, Earth Pony, I wanna buy some apples!”.
But the real information came when an interesting customer came by. She, again shortened snout, was a purple unicorn, or so I thought. When I saw her from a sideways view I was somewhat startled to see she also had wings! I searched my extensive knowledge of mythological creatures and found no winged unicorn.
Oh, good one, man…
Perhaps this was what the dark purple unicorn from yesterday meant when he said “alicorn”? If that was the case then, she could be a ruling member of their culture… But the relationship between this Applejack and “alicorn” seemed to be one of long time friends, not one of a ruler and subject.
Eh’… I don’t think you know nearly enough about these ponies to assume anything. For all you know, she may just be an extremely mellow and friendly ruler, which she actually is, and their society may be very different from ours, since you know…
Humans and ponies think differently, since we’re a social but territorial species and they are a social species with a very strong herd-mentality.
Before I knew it, Applejack was reaching for her last basket of apples, the basket I had unknowingly been munching out of and was now half empty. Fuck me. I must really pay attention to these kinds of things, second time in 12 hours I committed the same mistake, I mustn’t let myself slip like this. Applejack, stood and stared at the basket for a moment or two, then looked at the bush. I prepared to leap into action. Fortunately I didn’t have to, as she turned around as said,
Good Fucking Christ, the wall’o’text has finally ended!
Also, how did Applejack not see him in that bush? I mean, that hoodie probably doesn’t hide his face and his jeans probably aren’t green. Also, ponies have better eye-sight than that, ye’ dimwit!
“Gee, looks like Applebloom forgot ta fill this basket up all the way, Ah’m sorry, Twi, Ah’ll stop by later and drop off a basket.” she apologized to the “alicorn”
“That’s okay AJ, I’ll see you later then!” she smiled and walked away. Applejack however looked back at the bush that concealed me, seemed to shrug and started packing up her stall. Finally, my legs are starting to cramp, and I would like to know where this orchard is. But that look showed a little suspicion, so I would have to be careful when following her.
Psst, hey you! I got this neat little trick for writing…
IT’S CALLED SEPARATING YOUR CHARACTER’S THOUGHTS FROM THE NARRATION!
When everything was packed Applejack pulled the cart away, I marveled at the strength needed, as I saw the ruts that the cart left. I slowly snuck around the trunk of the tree and stoop up. Euphoria flooded my legs. After stretching them out I darted across the path to another bush in order to follow Applejack.
And… And noone seriously sees him running there?!
What the fuck, ponies of Ponyville?! Did you all get tossed into the Formless Void or something?!
Wow she was fast with that heavy cart, she made twice as far as I preficted before I caught up. And soon a large red barn entered view, along with an extreme amount of apple trees. Food located, I marked it down on a mental map.
On a “mental map”?
I don’t think those kinds of maps are very efficient, buddy.
Also, I’m starting to suspect you have some sort of interest in commas that goes further than is healthy for a human being.
…I’m so sorry for that image, Librarians…
Now I need shelter. I could use the Everfree, but I don’t know what kind of plants grow there, or animals, if there are talking unicorns and pegasi, then who knows what they hold. The barn? No, too frequented. In the town has the same problem tenfold. In the orchard could be possible, but I don’t know them like the owners, so hiding there is not possible. That was when I noticed three small ponies running along down the road toward the barn, I briefly over heard them as they ran by.
Man, that orchard is fucking huge, and you know it. If you could just try climbing up a tree again at the edge of it somewhere, far away from the barn, you could have a chance of hiding it out.
Oh wait, but then your little feet will get sore again!
You do know you could trail along the edge of the forest and find some bush relatively far from the town, right?
“Cutie Mark Crusaders! To the club house!” they all chanted. With no leads, this club house sounded possible. So, I trailed them. They ran through the orchard like they’ve done it a hundred times, they probably had.
See? Another unnecessary comma. I think my comment from before may not be so far-fetched as I believed…
Also, why do you think that club house would be a remotely good idea? If they call it a club house, they most likely hang out there a lot, like children often do!
They eventually made it to a back corner of the orchard. Their clubhouse, was a tree house that was built in a huge oak tree. But I saw the trail they’d worn through the area, and it was obvious that they came here often, so the tree house was a no. But the general area, it was remote and desolate. I couldn’t see the barn anymore, trees surroudned the area, and any apple trees I saw had little fruit on them. so their harvesting days were few to long gone.
Well, atleast he eventually figured out that a place called “clubhouse” is a bad idea to hide in…
“So their harvesting days were few to long gone.”
I would have to avoid the tree house though, those three came often. So I started scouting for a decent area to hide in. It wasn’t until late evening when I finally found a place. A decent sized old shack, probably an old tool shed, that had long stopped housing tools. It was covered in ivy, and one practically has to walk into it to know its there, yes I am speaking from experience. The owners proabably did know it was there, so I couldn’t do anything major to it, but it seemed dry, and out of the elements. I then finally sat down after an entire day of walking and hiding and slept.
Yes, you already said that about the clubhouse, man. You don’t need to repeat yourself!
Also, the apple orchard has little to no large plants except for the apple trees, so how the fuck could anyone miss a rectangular thingie in the middle of the orchard? And I doubt the Apple family would let anything grow so large on the tool shed, since it’s in the middle of their damn orchard!
+++That morning, in Canterlot+++
Princess Celestia was sitting on her throne. She had just brought the sun up for the new day, after relieving her sister Luna of her nightly duty. When suddenly the doors to the throne burst open and the criminal she had ordered to be captured rushed into the room with a disgruntled pegasi in tow.
Really? How the fuck could you misspell that?!
Pegasusus! – 4
“Ah, Wind Rush, I see you found Void Spark and captured him.” she mused.
“Anything other than what I summoned!” shouted the hysterical unicorn.
Oh, stop the bullshit, man! That guy is like a minotaur version of a midget, and you have magic! Why the hell are you afraid of him?!
“Um… What is he talking about?” asked a confused Celestia. WInd Rush finally managed to stop Void Spark with a angry tug on the rope.
“When he was captured, he summoned something.” he stated.
“That is what he is known for.” she replied.
“He had tried to summon this hellcat, but something else came instead, and it wouldn’t listen to him.” Wind Rush explained. Celestia nodded, Void Spark and his most trusted familiar were a feared duo. The fact that it didn’t come when Void called unsettled Celestia.
What? How are Void Spark and that cat a feared duo? What did they do? How does everyone know about them? Why the hell would Celestia herself put so much effort into capturing an unicorn and a talking cat?
EXPLAIN THINGS THAT YOU MENTION, GODDAMMIT!
“Have you found it yet?” she asked.
“When I left, Nimbus and Silver were about to untangle a mess of tracks it left.” Wind Rush responded
“What do you mean by mess of tracks?” The princess wondered out loud.
“At first it ran in a straight line, but then for whatever reason, it decided to, um… double back, multiple times, in the same area, in different directions.”
And this should tell Celestia just how incompetent her own guard is!
“Hmm…” she pondered by what he mant. “This thing, whatever it is, is obviously intelligent, not the animal instincts of the fiends Void usually summons. Whatever it is, it could be dangerous.”
“Um.. yea dangerous…” Wind Rush rubbed his head where the stick had stuck him.
“It hit you didn’t it?” Celestia asked in a don’t-bother-hiding-it-tone. “Go see the royal doctor, we need to know what it is capable of.” she intructed him.
Oh my fucking God, he got hit in the head with a moldy stick while he was wearing a military-grade helmet!
“Um… your majesty?” he said as he held up the rope that kept the unicorn, Void Spark, in check.
“Go, I’ll see to him personally.” The unicorn swalloed a nervous gulp as the Princess said this. Wind Rush made a hasty exit. Celestia then used her magic to take the rope and dragged the criminal towards the throne.
Ooh, Sunshine likes it rough, don’t she?
“What in Equestria’s name did you bring here?!” She asked furiously.
“I don’t know!” he squealed, at that the benign princess’ eyes started to glow white.
“I don’t know!” he repeated, Celestia’s eyes grew brighter.
“All I know is that it was tall, walked on its hind limbs, had weird fleshy talon things instead of hooves! And said that everything should fear it!” At the unicorn’s statement Celestia’s eyes went back to normal. She had no idea what he was describing was either. Void seemed to relax, until Celestia’s voice spoke up again.
“Guard, please drag this imbecile to Tartarus.” she stated in a commanding tone. Royal Guards immediately rushed to the throne and dragged the screaming unicorn out.
Seriously? Celestia out of all the beings is calling her ponies imbeciles now? See, this is why it’s important you describe shit! We have no fucking idea what the unicorn did to piss her off so much!
“Send a squad to assist the efforts of Sergeant Nimbus and his tracking party. I want guards patrolling the area around the Everfree forest. I want this bucking thing found.” she growled at the guards to stood by to receive orders.
Celestia does not let her emotions run freely like that. Especially when she’s sitting on her throne.
“Yes, your majesty.” they replied simultaneously. They quickly bustled away to relay orders and begin organizing patrols. She sat there for a moment, alone in the throne room. After a moment of reflection, she picked up a quill and parchment and began to write.
“My faithful student Twilight, Void Spark has been captured and imprisoned, but one of his minions still roamds free, I request that you come to Canterlot immediately and help my Royal Guards organize for patrolling around the Everfree Forest. I know there is none greater suited for the task. Your ever surprised teacher and friend, Princess Celestia.”
She signed the letter and sent it on its way. Twilight Sparkle could easily find the creature that was loose, but Celestia hoped that it would test her abilities to command and take charge of ponies such as the royal guard. But what truly worried her were the unknown abilities of the thing Void had mistakenly summoned.
Okay, seriously. What in the blueberry fuckmuffins did Void Spark do to get this kind of response from Celestia?! Telling her own personal guards AND Twilight Sparkle to track down some dude that only bonked a pony in the head lightly?!
What the fuck is going on, man?!
+++That afternoon, In the middle of the Everfree Forest+++
“Ah-ha!” exlaimed an ecstatic Silver Star. “That bugger has ran in circles, ran backwards looped around, and smeared tracks, but now I’ve found it!” It had taken over eight hours of guessing, untangling and following the same trails over and over again, until their found the one trail that didn’t loop back into the fray.
Oh my fucking God, over 8 hours?!
COME ON, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS CIRCLE AROUND THE CLUSTERFUCK OF TRAILS AND FIND ONE TRAIL THAT GOES AWAY FROM SAID CLUSTERFUCK!
*The Crowbar slams a Crowbar against the table in pure rage*
CELESTIA, YOUR PONIES HAVE LITTLE TO NO LOGICAL THINKING! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET YOUR GUARDS FROM?!
Silver Star’s eyes were wild with restlessness, and generally being slowly drived mad by the puzzle. Nimbus had collapsed two hours ago from exhaustion, but after a quick check and reloaction, he was snoozing soundly. He awoke at Silver’s celebration.
These fucking guards, man…
Just… There’s nothing more to say…
“You found it?” he mumbled, getting up in an excited but tired way.
“Yes, it was backward out of the circle here.” Circle Star said as she pointed at the misleading tracks.
“Good, I’ll follow them, you however need to get some rest.” he said sounding worried.
“With all due respect sir, I’m now committed on finding this thing.” she took a few steps, and then also collapsed from mental exhaustion. Nimbus quickly trotted over to her, and saw that she was already asleep. Chuckling, he picked her up and laid her gently in the shade of a tree.
“Get some rest, that’s an order.” he whispered to the sleeping mare. With that, he began retracing the steps that Silver had pointed at.
So, you’re just gonna leave her alone in her sleep in the middle of a forest very widely known to be filled with giant monsters?
Silver Star awoke two hours later, to sompeony shaking her.
“Aagh!” exclaimed in surprise, as she sat up straight. It was just Nimbus.
So did Aagh exclaim “Aagh!” only to find Nimbus, or was it Silver that exlaimed “Aagh!” only to find Nimbus, or did Nimbus scream “Aagh!” only to realise he was screaming at himself?
*The Crowbar grabs his head*
God ,this migraine just makes it WORSE!
“Come on, I need your help.” he said. Silver got up and stretched.
“What did you find?” she asked.
“I found where he may have spent the night, and a path.” he said hurrying in the direction of the path.
“Path?” Silver asked sounding confused.
“Path as in road, that ponies travel on.” he stated, sounding amused but clearly worried.
“Oh…” she stated, understanding what he meant. They walked at a quickened pace for about half an hour, then they found the road Nimbus was talking about.
“Okay, the things tracks lead up to the road…here”. Nimbus said as he found the aliens tracks. Silver thought for a moment.
Good job, now the “thing” is probably looooong gone in whatever fucking direction he could possibly be gone AT, and you two are quite possibly out of a job!
Good fucking job.
“If I recall correctly, Ponyville is that way,” she said as she pointed in one direction, “And that way leads deeper into the forest.” she indicated the opposite direction.
“I don’t see any tracks or signs of disturbance on the other side of the road.” said Nimbus as he searched the brush on the opposite side.
“So, it followed the road.” Silver finished the thought for him.
Well, with your amazing tracking skills, I wouldn’t take your word for it, but alright… Let’s see where they go with this thought train!
“The question is, which way did it take?” continued Nimbus.
“I think I have an answer to that.” replied Silver. NImbus looked over at what she was looking at. Faintly in the gravel there was a almost indistinguishable track, but its owner was obvious. The elongated track was obviously pointed towards Ponyville.
“Oh, buck…” Said Nimbus.
Holy Phabeebus, this chapter was bad!
Herr, I hope you got your laugh out of my suffering, you sick fuck!
Also, no, you can’t get your counter back.
This was quite fun to write half-asleep! And with this all done, I will see you all…
In the next Chapter.