1076: Philosopher of Earth – Chapter Three

Title: Philosopher of Earth
Author: Evilcheez271
Media:  Television
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Tragedy / Adventure / Sad / Human / Gore
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Crowbar

Oh hey-ho, everyone! This is The Magnificent Crowbar, and I am finally back with the next chapter of this… Trite.

Oh, and the last one was quite a while ago, so here’s a refresher.

Hoo boy, I should not feel even a little bit happy about this.

Anyways, here’s Philosopher of Earth, chapter 3! Enjoy.

*A painter secretly locks and barricades all exits from the viewing room*

Author’s note:

Screw it. I decided to release the next three chapters daily. After that though, I’ll do the thursday thing.

+++The next morning, with yours truly+++

I awoke to a dazzling sun, It hung in the sky as in it were mid morning. Odd, I thought, I could’ve swore it was just dark… Oh well, sleep does funny things to the mind. I surveyed the surrounding area, mostly the twisted trees of this “Everfree” forest. It was however a stunning view.

“As in it were mid morning”.

Does that mean that the morning is inside the Sun? What the hell do you guys on ground have then? I… I have no idea…

Also, yes. Everfree. Stunning view, what with all the giant trees and vines.

*The Crowbar Overlord tosses a Painter into the Everfree forest and views through its eyes*

Yes. Trees covering everything beyond 50 or so meters. Stunning…

In the distance I thought I saw a shine of something metallic, that could be bad or good. Bad because my pursuers were already onto me, good because it was movement, and movement meant civilization, or a way to civilization, and my odds of survival greatly improved in a city or town.

Man, you should stop making it look like you know how to always think on pure logic. I know this is rather good logic, coming from you here, but it’s too late to redeem yourself.

So I made a mental note of the direction, and climbed down. I did however keep my ears pricked for any strange sounds. I took a few steps and suddenly realized that sleeping in a tree wasn’t my brightest idea ever. Ow. Stiff limbs, yay.

Oh great, you’re being pursued by a bunch of armed ponies who will most likely toss your ass in a dungeon, and all you can think of, is stiff limbs?

Who wants to bet on his survival odds? I put 50 credits on 10 minutes.

But survival took priority and I started my way towards what I hoped was a road or something similar.

Oh dammit, spoke to soon…

*The Crowbar takes back his credits while sighing*

Also, good luck finding a road in the middle of the Everfree!

Along the way I, thankfully, loosened up my muscles, and my body felt comfortable again. On the way I saw many strange plants, I, wisely, kept off them, as I had no idea if they were toxic or not. About an hour later, I found a path of sorts.

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY UNNECESSARY COMMAS?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?!

Lyle, do you need some extra commas? If not, they’re going into the fucking shredder!

[*Lyle holds out the Spare Punctuation Box*  Always! ~Lyle]

While someone/something had been there recently, it wasn’t used that much as it was fading in places. The tracks that I had used to determine that there was someone/something there recently were horseshoe shaped, so I presumed a rider on a horse or one of the unicorns. They seemed to go both ways, some one going and returning, or two people going opposite ways.

“The tracks that I had used to determine that there was someone/something there recently were horseshoe shaped”

What the fuck does that part of the sentence even mean?!

Wait, lemme decipher this… So he looked at some tracks on the road… And determined that whoever walked there was… Horseshoe shaped? I don’t know if that thing would look creepy or not…

And you presume that it’s either a rider on a horse or an unicorn? Oh, so Earth Ponies are suddenly simple pack animals, eh’?

Hey, everyone, this dude discriminates against Earth Ponies!

*The Crowbar sits back to view the ensuing chaos on racial arguments-turned-to-riots*

I didn’t hear anyone lop by, so they were going slow, or the shine was one person, possibly both. If it was one person, they were coming back, so I looked for the slightly older set of tracks and followed them, taking care to keep my own tracks to a minimum. I soon spotted what appeared to be an outskirts of a town.

Uh-huh, like you are the fucking expert at hiding your tracks.

And I sincerely doubt you can read tracks nearly as well as you think you can.

Can you believe this guy?

Fearing wary eyes, as I didn’t recognize the buildings, I lept into cover and began to survey the area. I didn’t see any thing yet, but buildings mean shelter, and shelter means something lives here.

Thaaank you, captain Obvious. We get it, you can think logically.

Occasionally… Now get on with it!

My suspicions prove to be correct as more unicorns, pegisi and horse like beings began to emerge from the buildings. They were a multitude of colors, colors I’ve never seen on a horse, pony, or donkey. The name Equestria popped back into my head. Where the hell was that? The horses, or ponies, whatever they could be called, seemed to begin socializing as humans would.

Aaand here’s a completely new misspelling of “pegasus”!

I think I need a counter for this…

I bet the one I snatched from Herr will work nicely! Just need to re-label it…

*DING*

Pegasusus! – 3

I unknowingly began to slip deep into thoguht as I thought about these new discoveries, a dangerous state of mind for me as I don’t pay attention to the material world around me.

Yes, that tends to happen when you go deep into thought.

Also, if you acknowledge it’s a “dangerous state of mind”, why the fuck don’t you pull yourself out of it?

I was soon brought out of my stupor as someone very close to me began shouting.

“Apples! Apples! Git yer apples here!” Curious, and slightly startled, I began looking for the shouts source. A orange pony had set up a small stall almost directly in front of the bush I was hiding in. She, I noticer her shortened snout, had baskets of apples just sitting there behind the wooden cart she used as a stall.

What. How the fuck does one human being sneak right to the middle of Ponyville? Because that’s usually where all the freaking market stalls are set up at!

I call bullshit on this!

Suddenly realizing I hadn’t had a bite to eat for over 12 hours, I quickly, but stealthily grabbed one.

Every time someone says “quickly, but stealthily!”, I imagine them with a really long black coat with a hoodie and a knife lurking around…

Stealing is bad, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and I don’t think she would’ve reacted kindly to a six foot alien wanting apples, if the earlier unicorns and pegasi were anything to judge by. Unfortunately, I now was stuck in a bush behind her, if she turned around and examined the bush, she would’ve seen me. So, I slowly brought my dark green hoodie over my jeans and brought the hood up. It was indeed a little warm, but the bush was in the shade of a tree.

See?! This motherfucker is 6 feet tall! How the fuck did he sneak straight to the middle of town?!

And good merciful Crowbar, keep your urges to cover everything in commas under check!

Also, from “Apples! Apples!”, this whole thing has just been one massive fucking wall’o’text.

And taking the opportunity to study these strange creatures, I began eavesdropping on the orange pony. I soon found out that they indeed called themselves ponies, I’ll refer to them as thus from now on, and the owner of the stall, named Applejack, lives and worked on a apple orchard, a possible source of food, and that she was referred as an “earth pony” that is presumably her species as she has no wings or horn.

*HURK*

And this stupid wall’o’text has run-on sentences, too…

Also, how did you figure out she was an earth pony from some conversation between a salespony and a customer? I mean, I doubt anyone in Ponyville would go up to Applejack and say: “Hey, Earth Pony, I wanna buy some apples!”.

But the real information came when an interesting customer came by. She, again shortened snout, was a purple unicorn, or so I thought. When I saw her from a sideways view I was somewhat startled to see she also had wings! I searched my extensive knowledge of mythological creatures and found no winged unicorn.

“Extensi-”

*Gigglesnort*

Oh, good one, man…

Perhaps this was what the dark purple unicorn from yesterday meant when he said “alicorn”? If that was the case then, she could be a ruling member of their culture… But the relationship between this Applejack and “alicorn” seemed to be one of long time friends, not one of a ruler and subject.

Eh’… I don’t think you know nearly enough about these ponies to assume anything. For all you know, she may just be an extremely mellow and friendly ruler, which she actually is, and their society may be very different from ours, since you know…

Humans and ponies think differently, since we’re a social but territorial species and they are a social species with a very strong herd-mentality.

Before I knew it, Applejack was reaching for her last basket of apples, the basket I had unknowingly been munching out of and was now half empty. Fuck me. I must really pay attention to these kinds of things, second time in 12 hours I committed the same mistake, I mustn’t let myself slip like this. Applejack, stood and stared at the basket for a moment or two, then looked at the bush. I prepared to leap into action. Fortunately I didn’t have to, as she turned around as said,

Good Fucking Christ, the wall’o’text has finally ended!

Also, how did Applejack not see him in that bush? I mean, that hoodie probably doesn’t hide his face and his jeans probably aren’t green. Also, ponies have better eye-sight than that, ye’ dimwit!

“Gee, looks like Applebloom forgot ta fill this basket up all the way, Ah’m sorry, Twi, Ah’ll stop by later and drop off a basket.” she apologized to the “alicorn”

“That’s okay AJ, I’ll see you later then!” she smiled and walked away. Applejack however looked back at the bush that concealed me, seemed to shrug and started packing up her stall. Finally, my legs are starting to cramp, and I would like to know where this orchard is. But that look showed a little suspicion, so I would have to be careful when following her.

Psst, hey you! I got this neat little trick for writing…

IT’S CALLED SEPARATING YOUR CHARACTER’S THOUGHTS FROM THE NARRATION!

When everything was packed Applejack pulled the cart away, I marveled at the strength needed, as I saw the ruts that the cart left. I slowly snuck around the trunk of the tree and stoop up. Euphoria flooded my legs. After stretching them out I darted across the path to another bush in order to follow Applejack.

And… And noone seriously sees him running there?!

What the fuck, ponies of Ponyville?! Did you all get tossed into the Formless Void or something?!

Wow she was fast with that heavy cart, she made twice as far as I preficted before I caught up. And soon a large red barn entered view, along with an extreme amount of apple trees. Food located, I marked it down on a mental map.

On a “mental map”?

I don’t think those kinds of maps are very efficient, buddy.

Also, I’m starting to suspect you have some sort of interest in commas that goes further than is healthy for a human being.

…I’m so sorry for that image, Librarians…

Now I need shelter. I could use the Everfree, but I don’t know what kind of plants grow there, or animals, if there are talking unicorns and pegasi, then who knows what they hold. The barn? No, too frequented. In the town has the same problem tenfold. In the orchard could be possible, but I don’t know them like the owners, so hiding there is not possible. That was when I noticed three small ponies running along down the road toward the barn, I briefly over heard them as they ran by.

Man, that orchard is fucking huge, and you know it. If you could just try climbing up a tree again at the edge of it somewhere, far away from the barn, you could have a chance of hiding it out.

Oh wait, but then your little feet will get sore again!

You do know you could trail along the edge of the forest and find some bush relatively far from the town, right?

“Cutie Mark Crusaders! To the club house!” they all chanted. With no leads, this club house sounded possible. So, I trailed them. They ran through the orchard like they’ve done it a hundred times, they probably had.

See? Another unnecessary comma. I think my comment from before may not be so far-fetched as I believed…

Also, why do you think that club house would be a remotely good idea? If they call it a club house, they most likely hang out there a lot, like children often do!

They eventually made it to a back corner of the orchard. Their clubhouse, was a tree house that was built in a huge oak tree. But I saw the trail they’d worn through the area, and it was obvious that they came here often, so the tree house was a no. But the general area, it was remote and desolate. I couldn’t see the barn anymore, trees surroudned the area, and any apple trees I saw had little fruit on them. so their harvesting days were few to long gone.

Well, atleast he eventually figured out that a place called “clubhouse” is a bad idea to hide in…

Also…

“So their harvesting days were few to long gone.”

Whu-what?

I would have to avoid the tree house though, those three came often. So I started scouting for a decent area to hide in. It wasn’t until late evening when I finally found a place. A decent sized old shack, probably an old tool shed, that had long stopped housing tools. It was covered in ivy, and one practically has to walk into it to know its there, yes I am speaking from experience. The owners proabably did know it was there, so I couldn’t do anything major to it, but it seemed dry, and out of the elements. I then finally sat down after an entire day of walking and hiding and slept.

Yes, you already said that about the clubhouse, man. You don’t need to repeat yourself!

Also, the apple orchard has little to no large plants except for the apple trees, so how the fuck could anyone miss a rectangular thingie in the middle of the orchard? And I doubt the Apple family would let anything grow so large on the tool shed, since it’s in the middle of their damn orchard!

+++That morning, in Canterlot+++

Princess Celestia was sitting on her throne. She had just brought the sun up for the new day, after relieving her sister Luna of her nightly duty. When suddenly the doors to the throne burst open and the criminal she had ordered to be captured rushed into the room with a disgruntled pegasi in tow.

Really? How the fuck could you misspell that?!

*DING*

Pegasusus! – 4

“Ah, Wind Rush, I see you found Void Spark and captured him.” she mused.

“Anything other than what I summoned!” shouted the hysterical unicorn.

Oh, stop the bullshit, man! That guy is like a minotaur version of a midget, and you have magic! Why the hell are you afraid of him?!

“Um… What is he talking about?” asked a confused Celestia. WInd Rush finally managed to stop Void Spark with a angry tug on the rope.

“When he was captured, he summoned something.” he stated.

“That is what he is known for.” she replied.

“He had tried to summon this hellcat, but something else came instead, and it wouldn’t listen to him.” Wind Rush explained. Celestia nodded, Void Spark and his most trusted familiar were a feared duo. The fact that it didn’t come when Void called unsettled Celestia.

What? How are Void Spark and that cat a feared duo? What did they do? How does everyone know about them? Why the hell would Celestia herself put so much effort into capturing an unicorn and a talking cat?

EXPLAIN THINGS THAT YOU MENTION, GODDAMMIT!

“Have you found it yet?” she asked.

“When I left, Nimbus and Silver were about to untangle a mess of tracks it left.” Wind Rush responded

“What do you mean by mess of tracks?” The princess wondered out loud.

“At first it ran in a straight line, but then for whatever reason, it decided to, um… double back, multiple times, in the same area, in different directions.”

And this should tell Celestia just how incompetent her own guard is!

“Hmm…” she pondered by what he mant. “This thing, whatever it is, is obviously intelligent, not the animal instincts of the fiends Void usually summons. Whatever it is, it could be dangerous.”

“Um.. yea dangerous…” Wind Rush rubbed his head where the stick had stuck him.

“It hit you didn’t it?” Celestia asked in a don’t-bother-hiding-it-tone. “Go see the royal doctor, we need to know what it is capable of.” she intructed him.

Oh my fucking God, he got hit in the head with a moldy stick while he was wearing a military-grade helmet!

“Um… your majesty?” he said as he held up the rope that kept the unicorn, Void Spark, in check.

“Go, I’ll see to him personally.” The unicorn swalloed a nervous gulp as the Princess said this. Wind Rush made a hasty exit. Celestia then used her magic to take the rope and dragged the criminal towards the throne.

Ooh, Sunshine likes it rough, don’t she?

“What in Equestria’s name did you bring here?!” She asked furiously.

“I don’t know!” he squealed, at that the benign princess’ eyes started to glow white.

“I don’t know!” he repeated, Celestia’s eyes grew brighter.

“All I know is that it was tall, walked on its hind limbs, had weird fleshy talon things instead of hooves! And said that everything should fear it!” At the unicorn’s statement Celestia’s eyes went back to normal. She had no idea what he was describing was either. Void seemed to relax, until Celestia’s voice spoke up again.

“Guard, please drag this imbecile to Tartarus.” she stated in a commanding tone. Royal Guards immediately rushed to the throne and dragged the screaming unicorn out.

Seriously? Celestia out of all the beings is calling her ponies imbeciles now? See, this is why it’s important you describe shit! We have no fucking idea what the unicorn did to piss her off so much!

“Send a squad to assist the efforts of Sergeant Nimbus and his tracking party. I want guards patrolling the area around the Everfree forest. I want this bucking thing found.” she growled at the guards to stood by to receive orders.

Uh-uh.

Celestia does not let her emotions run freely like that. Especially when she’s sitting on her throne.

“Yes, your majesty.” they replied simultaneously. They quickly bustled away to relay orders and begin organizing patrols. She sat there for a moment, alone in the throne room. After a moment of reflection, she picked up a quill and parchment and began to write.

“My faithful student Twilight, Void Spark has been captured and imprisoned, but one of his minions still roamds free, I request that you come to Canterlot immediately and help my Royal Guards organize for patrolling around the Everfree Forest. I know there is none greater suited for the task. Your ever surprised teacher and friend, Princess Celestia.”

She signed the letter and sent it on its way. Twilight Sparkle could easily find the creature that was loose, but Celestia hoped that it would test her abilities to command and take charge of ponies such as the royal guard. But what truly worried her were the unknown abilities of the thing Void had mistakenly summoned.

Okay, seriously. What in the blueberry fuckmuffins did Void Spark do to get this kind of response from Celestia?! Telling her own personal guards AND Twilight Sparkle to track down some dude that only bonked a pony in the head lightly?!

What the fuck is going on, man?!

+++That afternoon, In the middle of the Everfree Forest+++

“Ah-ha!” exlaimed an ecstatic Silver Star. “That bugger has ran in circles, ran backwards looped around, and smeared tracks, but now I’ve found it!” It had taken over eight hours of guessing, untangling and following the same trails over and over again, until their found the one trail that didn’t loop back into the fray.

Oh my fucking God, over 8 hours?!

COME ON, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS CIRCLE AROUND THE CLUSTERFUCK OF TRAILS AND FIND ONE TRAIL THAT GOES AWAY FROM SAID CLUSTERFUCK!

*The Crowbar slams a Crowbar against the table in pure rage*

CELESTIA, YOUR PONIES HAVE LITTLE TO NO LOGICAL THINKING! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET YOUR GUARDS FROM?!

Silver Star’s eyes were wild with restlessness, and generally being slowly drived mad by the puzzle. Nimbus had collapsed two hours ago from exhaustion, but after a quick check and reloaction, he was snoozing soundly. He awoke at Silver’s celebration.

*sigh*

These fucking guards, man…

Just… There’s nothing more to say…

“You found it?” he mumbled, getting up in an excited but tired way.

“Yes, it was backward out of the circle here.” Circle Star said as she pointed at the misleading tracks.

“Good, I’ll follow them, you however need to get some rest.” he said sounding worried.

“With all due respect sir, I’m now committed on finding this thing.” she took a few steps, and then also collapsed from mental exhaustion. Nimbus quickly trotted over to her, and saw that she was already asleep. Chuckling, he picked her up and laid her gently in the shade of a tree.

“Get some rest, that’s an order.” he whispered to the sleeping mare. With that, he began retracing the steps that Silver had pointed at.

So, you’re just gonna leave her alone in her sleep in the middle of a forest very widely known to be filled with giant monsters?

Good job.

Silver Star awoke two hours later, to sompeony shaking her.

“Aagh!” exclaimed in surprise, as she sat up straight. It was just Nimbus.

What?

So did Aagh exclaim “Aagh!” only to find Nimbus, or was it Silver that exlaimed “Aagh!” only to find Nimbus, or did Nimbus scream “Aagh!” only to realise he was screaming at himself?

*The Crowbar grabs his head*

God ,this migraine just makes it WORSE!

“Come on, I need your help.” he said. Silver got up and stretched.

“What did you find?” she asked.

“I found where he may have spent the night, and a path.” he said hurrying in the direction of the path.

“Path?” Silver asked sounding confused.

“Path as in road, that ponies travel on.” he stated, sounding amused but clearly worried.

“Oh…” she stated, understanding what he meant. They walked at a quickened pace for about half an hour, then they found the road Nimbus was talking about.

“Okay, the things tracks lead up to the road…here”. Nimbus said as he found the aliens tracks. Silver thought for a moment.

Good job, now the “thing” is probably looooong gone in whatever fucking direction he could possibly be gone AT, and you two are quite possibly out of a job!

Good fucking job.

“If I recall correctly, Ponyville is that way,” she said as she pointed in one direction, “And that way leads deeper into the forest.” she indicated the opposite direction.

“I don’t see any tracks or signs of disturbance on the other side of the road.” said Nimbus as he searched the brush on the opposite side.

“So, it followed the road.” Silver finished the thought for him.

Well, with your amazing tracking skills, I wouldn’t take your word for it, but alright… Let’s see where they go with this thought train!

“The question is, which way did it take?” continued Nimbus.

“I think I have an answer to that.” replied Silver. NImbus looked over at what she was looking at. Faintly in the gravel there was a almost indistinguishable track, but its owner was obvious. The elongated track was obviously pointed towards Ponyville.

“Oh, buck…” Said Nimbus.

Holy Phabeebus, this chapter was bad!

Herr, I hope you got your laugh out of my suffering, you sick fuck!

Also, no, you can’t get your counter back.

This was quite fun to write half-asleep! And with this all done, I will see you all…

In the next Chapter.

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111 Comments on “1076: Philosopher of Earth – Chapter Three”

  1. Tie Dye Mage says:

    But the real information came when an interesting customer came by. She, again shortened snout, was a purple unicorn, or so I thought. When I saw her from a sideways view I was somewhat startled to see she also had wings! I searched my extensive knowledge of mythological creatures and found no winged unicorn.

    I can just imagine his brain coming up with this image.

  2. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Okay, seriously. What in the blueberry fuckmuffins did Void Spark do to get this kind of response from Celestia?! Telling her own personal guards AND Twilight Sparkle to track down some dude that only bonked a pony in the head lightly?!

    What the fuck is going on, man?!

    I know! Overreaction, much? That would be like if went all Hadouken on someone just because they shoved me lightly.

    Which reminds me that I need to go apologize to the guy.

  3. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Seriously? Celestia out of all the beings is calling her ponies imbeciles now? See, this is why it’s important you describe shit! We have no fucking idea what the unicorn did to piss her off so much!

    This must take place in a universe where she is the tyrant that people make out to be.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Celestia, a tyrant?

      Oh, please, she doesn’t know the first damn thing about being an Evil Overlord. The most evil thing she could probably fathom is to eat someone’s cake as part of a joke or a prank.

      Also, do you happen to need any golden tiaras? I got like 50 of them in my basement I need to get rid of, and fast.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I dunno, I mean, her circumstances right now are certainly exasperating… Void Spark might try another [DATA EXPUNGED], she has a melodramatic alien wandering around Sun only knows where, and she’s surrounded by totally incompetent guards.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’ll refer to them as thus from now on, and the owner of the stall, named Applejack, lives and worked on a apple orchard, a possible source of food, and that she was referred as an “earth pony” that is presumably her species as she has no wings or horn.

    How the hell did he get this much information from somepony buying an apple?

    “Oh, hi there, APPLEJACK! How’s the APPLE ORCHARD! you live on? Still PRODUCING FOOD? Gee, it must be tough to manage that place when you’re just AN EARTH PONY, without WINGS or A HORN….”

    • TacoMagic says:

      Imagining Celestia talking like that is most amusing.

      “Are you okay, princess? You seem, off.”

      I AM FINE! In fact, I think it is YOU who is off, Earth Pony named Applejack! My apprentice, ALICORN LIKE ME WHO IS NAMED TWILIGHT SPARKLE, could cast SPELL to make you feel better! Now I must go and PRINCESS at my castle!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I don’t know!” he squealed, at that the benign princess’ eyes started to glow white.

    There are many terms I would use to describe Celestia. “Benign” is not one of them.

  6. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Hooray! You’re back!

    Can not WAIT for you to tear more of this crap to threads. When can we expect the next one?

    • The Crowbar says:

      I think I’m gonna write the next one today or tomorrow. It depends, since we got some visitors coming soon at an unspecified time.

  7. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    In the distance I thought I saw a shine of something metallic, that could be bad or good. Bad because my pursuers were already onto me, good because it was movement, and movement meant civilization, or a way to civilization, and my odds of survival greatly improved in a city or town.

    I award you zero points. How the hell does “a shine of something metallic” translates to “movement”? And how the hell do you know that it’s “metallic” just because it shines? For all you know it’s a piece of broken glass! And even if it is metallic, just how in the name of John Freeman does “something metallic” automatically means “civilization”?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    *checks the header information*

    *reads today’s riff*

    *checks header again*

    Ok.

    How the fuck is this a “gore” ‘fic?

  9. agigabyte says:

    And good merciful Crowbar, keep your urges to cover everything in commas under check!

    Wow that, is a, very, inspired, oath, you have, there.

  10. "Lyle" says:

    old tool shed, that had long stopped housing tools. It was covered in ivy, and one practically has to walk into it to know its there,

    I hope he likes spiders and mouse droppings…

  11. neji7hyuga says:

    While I am not familiar with the fandoms in this fic, I have heard of My Little Pony, which is often shortened to MLP. And I’ve of a fanfic via TV tropes called “The Conversion Bureau” and from what I read in TV tropes, it sounds very misanthropic. And it even says that there are a lot of authors who see the story as a good thing and vehemently defend their viewpoints and/or cheer the ponies on. And that the fact they are celebrating a deliberate killing of humanity sends some very disturbing messages. And I agree, it’s very disturbing.

    And I sometimes think about deconstructing the very concept itself since I find it so disturbing. Though there are several problems- I don’t know too much about the source material aside from what I’ve seen in TV tropes, I don’t have the required skill level yet, and I want to do a crossover type thing but can’t really think of anything that would work long term and as a serious story.

    I know there’s likely deconstructions done already.

    • leobracer says:

      There are tons of fanfics that deconstruct the Conversion Bureau. The two most famous fics are ‘Not Alone’, and ‘The Other Side of the Spectrum’.

      I haven’t read ‘Not Alone’, so I can’t comment on it, but I’ve reas parts of ‘Spectrum’, and I personally cannot recommend it, because of a very stupid plot point in that fic that really pisses me off.

      Also, the original author of the original Conversion Bureau, never intended for it to be seen as misanthropic. He was following the fan theory that MLP took place in the future, where humans no longer exist, and had assumed that it would a ‘less grimdark’ approach to the idea. Of course, due to his inexperience in writing, the fic not only came off as misanthropic, but also as wish fulfillment.

      He has long since taken down that fic, and he’s never written a fanfic since, because he fears that he will never live it down.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        Not surprised considering how disturbing it is.

        I will avoid reading “spectrum” then. Though I wonder, what was the very stupid plot point in the fic that really made you mad?

        That goes to show one should always outline, and also examine one’s ideas to make sure there’s no trivializing of things, disturbing unfortunate implications, Fridge Logic, or Fridge Horror.

        No surprise that he took it down and has not written another since. Though I would not be against him trying to write fanfics again. And if he wants to again, my advice would be to be more careful of how things like that and serious issues and the like are handled.

      • The Crowbar says:

        What’s this about a horrible story you don’t even want to read?

        Sounds interesting.

      • leobracer says:

        In the latest incarnation of MLP, the ponies are lead by two regal sisters, named Celestia and Luna, who have the power to raise and lower the sun and moon. The season two premier introduces us to a third very powerful being, named Discord, who can manipulate reality, and is more powerful than the two sisters.

        When Discord is introduced, it revealed that he used to rule over the ponies, but he was a cruel and sadistic tyrant who toyed with them for his own amusement, until Celestia and Luna defeated him, and brought Harmony to the ponies.

        However, Spectrum does away with that. In Spectrum, Discord was trying to bring ‘Earth Levels’ of chaos, because he had been observing humanity for some time, and believed that if he introduced the same levels of chaos to the ponies that humanity had to endure, it would allow them to advance quickly, and think on their own four hooves.

        Celestia and Luna had stopped him, because they believed that the amount of chaos he was bringing was too much for any kind of pony civilization to build up. And when Discord is freed again in that fic, he blames Celestia and Luna for leaving ponykind stagnant in technological progress, and believes that their leadership had made them complacent.

        He also outright refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, and claims that Celestia and Luna were never supposed to lead the ponies, that they were supposed to remain hidden, and only focus on raising and lowering the sun and moon while the ponies developed civilization.

        It was that last part that really pissed me off. It doesn’t help with the fact that even when Celestia is not compared to her TCB counterpart in a bad way, it still comes off as a pot shot being taken at her.

        Honestly, with how the authors have been treating her in that fic, I find it very hard to believe that they don’t hate Celestia.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I know people hate Celestia for one reason or another, but I’ll probably never get it through my head…

        How… How can anyone hate her? She’s such a nice being…

        I mean, some princesses would behead their subjects for wearing shoes that they don’t like.

      • leobracer says:

        There was something that I forgot to mention about in Spectrum.

        There’s this entity named the Scribe, who, according the authors is a magical Artificial Intelligence who can observe any pony who is born, created by Faust, who is based on Lauren Gaust’s Alicorn OC.

        And when she’s introduced, she confirms that Discord was right: Celestia and Luna were never supposed to lead the ponies, they were supposed to remain hidden and focus solely on raising and lowering the sun and moon.

        The Scribe’s goals are to watch over pony kind, find a way to restore the Alicorn Race, and make sure that Tirac never returns to power. And she’s willing to sacrifice millions of humans and ponies just to make sure she can meet that last goal.

        And while she does blame Discord for mucking up her plans to restore the Alicorn race, she also blames Celestia and Luna for the same thing, because they found the Elements of Harmony before they were ready to be used, and out of all three of them, she blames Celestia the most!

        What’s worse, is that according to her, when she created Celestia and Luna out of the fragments of the souls of the founders of Equestria, Celestia’s formation was incomplete, and that if she went into battle, she risked going supernova, and claimed that Luna was more level headed and cool tempered than Celestia.

        Um, No! No, No, No, No, No, NO!!!

        The show and the expanded universe of Friendship is Magic CLEARLY states that Celestia is the one who is the more level headed and cool tempered of the two sisters! It doesn’t help with the fact that there is no evidence in the fic itself that this is true!

        Honestly, how the hell did Spectrum become considered to be the Magnum Opus of Conversion Bureau Deconstructions, is beyond me!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Yeah, what Leo said is generally true for the Conversion Bureau. The author himself considers it an old shame.

      However, there are some authors out there who played it seriously. Perhaps the most infamous one is Chatoyance, who took the misanthropic undertones of the original and ran with it. That’s a conversation best had another time, though, because by Jesus is Chatoyance controversial in MLP fanfiction circles. (Aside from being openly misanthropic, she can’t take criticism. Like, at all.) So yeah, the Conversion Bureau is a weird place.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        That’s no surprise that he considers it an old shame, since it sounds like it would be.

        Chatoyance…I’ve heard of her via TV tropes. And it sounds like she made the undertones much worse than the original. In that case, it’s indeed a conversation best held another time. And that’s very bad that she can’t take criticism at all, one needs to be able to take constructive criticism at least to be able to improve.

        Not surprised that it’s a weird place, since it is likely the reason why its so hard to come up with a good deconstruction idea. May actually decide not to do it at all. And I imagine that one has to be very careful since I imagine, in the case of this kind of deconstruction, its very easy to trivialize something, leave out Fridge Logic and Fridge Horror, and end up with Unfortunate Implications. So I think it’s best left until one improves a great amount in writing before attempting to deconstruct that concept.

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Yeah, I’ve been to her stories’ comment section. She censors it like the freaking North Korea.

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      My favorite deconstruction is a short one-shot.

      https://www.fimfiction.net/story/62315/1/grayscale/a-breaking-world

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    +++The next morning, with yours truly+++

    So is anyone else reminded of that one bit from White Chicks that involved the morning after joke?

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh great, you’re being pursued by a bunch of armed ponies who will most likely toss your ass in a dungeon, and all you can think of, is stiff limbs?

    I mean, if you’re thinking of it in terms of “shit, that’s gonna make running a bit harder”, then I’d excuse it more. That would be an instinctual response, though, so that’s less points granted.

    No matter what, it’s still stupid.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    On the way I saw many strange plants, I, wisely, kept off them, as I had no idea if they were toxic or not.

    Dear Jesus, that run-on…

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    If it was one person, they were coming back, so I looked for the slightly older set of tracks and followed them, taking care to keep my own tracks to a minimum.

    Someone should tie this guy down and make him watch the last ten minutes or so of The Shining so he can see how the hell you’re supposed to hide tracks with limited resources and shit.

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    as I don’t pay attention to the material world around me.

    That has to be one of the most pretentious sentences I’ve ever read in my life…

    • The Crowbar says:

      Yeah’, exactly.

      I mean, you can not not pay attention to the world around you. Literally. Doesn’t happen unless someone cuts off every single part of your body that could sense the world around you, which would pretty much amount to vaporising you or just ripping your brain out.

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I’ll refer to them as thus from now on,

    *BAM*

    No. Bad author. Bad.

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Humans and ponies think differently, since we’re a social but territorial species and they are a social species with a very strong herd-mentality.

    Sh! Philosophy!

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Euphoria flooded my legs.

    *frown*

    Huh. Well, it turns out our “philosopher” here has a pain fetish. Who’d have thought?

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Guard, please drag this imbecile to Tartarus.”

    Wait, isn’t that where Cronos winds up in God of War 3?

  21. Herr Wozzeck says:

    and generally being slowly drived mad by the puzzle.

    *BAM*

    The form of the word you’re looking for is “driven”. Driven! “Drived” is not a word!

    *BAM*

    Jeez, if this guy can’t even be bothered to grammar correctly, what makes him think he’s philosophical in any way?

    • The Crowbar says:

      I double-checked, and whoops. That’s my mistake. I had to hand-copy everything down because Openoffice is really finicky with Fimfiction’s fics, like changing fonts and sizes and whatnot.

  22. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, no, you can’t get your counter back.

    Hey, it’s whatever. I can always get more parts from the hardware store!

  23. TacoMagic says:

    I unknowingly began to slip deep into thoguht as I thought about these new discoveries

    You see, Lefou, I’ve been thoguhting…

    “A dangerous pastime-”

    I know!

  24. TacoMagic says:

    I searched my extensive knowledge of mythological creatures and found no winged unicorn.

    Ah yes, very extensive. So extensive as to not include the winged unicorn of Assyrian myth.

    Granted, that particular creature was a harbinger of great evil, so… yeah.

  25. TacoMagic says:

    Perhaps this was what the dark purple unicorn from yesterday meant when he said “alicorn”?

    Stu, if you were such an expert in mythological creatures, you would recognize “alicorn” as the term used to refer to a unicorn’s horn. It was a term later borrowed by MLP for their hybrids.

    Note to aspiring authors out there: If you are going to have a character who is an expert at something, you really, really need to do your research. To the point where YOU should become more of an expert than your character is supposed to be.

  26. TacoMagic says:

    Before I knew it, Applejack was reaching for her last basket of apples, the basket I had unknowingly been munching out of and was now half empty.

    Wow, that’s a lot of apples. I hope he doesn’t plan to stray too far from a bathroom for the next few hours.

    Actually, since there aren’t any bathrooms in Ponyville, it’s going to be an unfortunate evening all-around, I think.

  27. TacoMagic says:

    “It hit you didn’t it?” Celestia asked in a don’t-bother-hiding-it-tone

    Oh for fuck’s sake, author! Really? You honestly typed that and didn’t immediately punch yourself in the face? How!? It’s like the most basic instinct!

    • The Crowbar says:

      I really hate the part that everyon’es wailign about how an armored dude got hit by a stick, but I don’t really see anything THAT wrong with this particular sentence…

      Did I miss something?

      • TacoMagic says:

        This bit was my complaint:

        Celestia asked in a don’t-bother-hiding-it-tone

        The number of things wrong with that is just staggering. I shall elucidate:

        •Telling not showing
        •Awkward phrasing
        •Breaks flow
        •Improper point of view
        •Unnecessary within the context of the conversation
        •Mixed voice
        •Overcomplicated way to express a simple concept (That she already knew the answer to her question, or that it wasn’t really a question)

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh.

        Yeah’, I found that part weird, too, but damn…

        I still have a lot to learn.

  28. TacoMagic says:

    Your ever surprised teacher and friend, Princess Celestia.

    The hell? What is she eternally surprised about? I’m not hugely knowledgeable about the canon in this one, but that strikes me as a very, very odd way to sign a missive.

  29. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Breaking News! This story is GONE!

    Hope you have backups, Crowbar, it looks like this author couldn’t take the criticism. I’d like to think that me linking to this snarking in the comment section is the straw that broke the back.


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