1074: Yes, But It’s a Female Zombie : Chapter 1, part 3Posted: June 12, 2015
Welcome back, weary Patrons!
We have reached the second to last portion of the first chapter! It promises to be more of the same, massive amounts of plot regurgitation with liberal amounts of nudity and body-shaming!
So what happened last time? Fem!Ayumu met Haruna, had her first run-in with a Megalo, and then stole Haruna’s abilities. This leads the former Masou Shoujo to move in with Fem!Ayumu and M!Eu. The supposedly straight Haruna has also been having impure thoughts about Fem!Ayumu, including a realistic dream featuring Fem!Ayumu’s “glorious, peach-shaped ass”, and overcompensated by calling the zombie a series of increasingly ridiculous boob-themed insults.
And on with the fic!
With a sigh, Ayumu stepped out onto her front step, turning to close her door.
Why does this fic keep oscillating between the Formless Void and lovingly recreating the most boring minutiae?
“Good morning, Aikawa-chan!”
The zombie jumped, whirling around to see… HIramatsu standing there?
Awww… It looks like someone has their first stalker!
“H-Hiramatsu-san? What are you doing at my house? How did you know where I live?”
Didn’t he walk you home during your naked Walk of Shame?
“I… walked you here from my house yesterday, remember? I figured since we live so close by, we could walk to school together.” the boy suggested, a sweet, pleasant smile on his face.
Step back, boy, before you give me the diabeetus.
“O-Oh… Oh! I, uh… I washed your jacket for you.” she pointed out, holding up a plastic bag with the garment inside it. She’d intended to give it to him in class later that day.
She got rid of all the nasty big-boob cooties that might be infesting it.
I’m wondering how she managed to wash and dry this jacket, which is supposed to be a winter jacket and thus is likely very insulated and heavy, overnight? Like most Japanese, Ayumu doesn’t have a Western-style washer and dryer that comes as two separate units; he has a cheaper space-saving unit that does both. From everything I’ve read online, these units don’t do a very good job at drying things, so typically laundry has to be hung up to dry. A heavy winter jacket would take a very long time to dry, probably longer than overnight.
The boy’s smile grew. “That’s sweet of you, Aikawa-chan. You didn’t have to do that. I was just happy to help you out.”
He’d probably be happier if the jacket still smelled like her so he could use it for … :spins Wheel-o-Euphemisms: Polishing his buttons.
Ayumu quirked a lavender-gray eyebrow. She… wasn’t sure what to make of this boy. “Okay, well… I guess we can walk to school together.”
“Great! It only makes sense, right? We are in the same class, after all. I even sit in front of you!”
Wait… He… He did?!
That’s news to me, too. Even the author seems surprised by this revelation, as there was no mention of Taeko being in the classroom before.
I guess we’re back to having short little scenes that don’t go anywhere.
Was she a singularity that was destabilizing the world?
Gaia… Just what should she do?
…Did I accidentally copy part of a different fic? What does this gibberish have to do with anything?
It turned out that, yes, Hiramatsu Taeko did, indeed, sit in the desk right in front of her.
That’s nice, but I’m still trying to figure out what that Schwartzchild/Gaia nonsense means.
So… why did she never notice before? Was it because she was so dedicated to lazy isolationism?
Slothful Siren Counter:26
Since when is she dedicated to her “lazy isolationism”? According to statements made earlier in this very chapter she’s unpopular because of her repulsively massive chest and hideous curvy body; her laziness was more of an afterthought.
The only reason she let Orito hang out with her was because she couldn’t get the guy to leave her alone.
So within the span of a chapter, Orito has gone from being Fem!Ayumu’s only real friend to being some guy she lets hang out with her because he’s persistent with his affections.
She’d swear he had a crush on her, but like nearly everyone in town, he was too big a lolicon to give her bulbous rear, curvy hips, long and shapely legs, or enormous breasts a second glance.
Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 67
I still have my doubts that every single person in this town is a lolicon. Also – hey, more fan-speak/gratuitous Japanese!
Now HIramatsu Taeko was walking her to school? Sigh… The thought of having friends never occurred to her. But… did she have two now? It was… a thought that made her head hurt.
There is just no pleasing this girl. She gripes about having no friends except Orito, now she’s fussing about having a new friend!
It was later that day at sunset that Aikawa Ayumu sat alone in her classroom, waiting for nightfall.
Which isn’t strange or unusual behavior at all. I’m sure lots of kids hang out in empty classrooms by themselves, just staring silently at the walls, after they have spent hours wishing they were anywhere else.
“You’re not going home yet?” Orito asked, walking up to her, his book bag slung over his shoulder.
“No.” she stated simply, turning to give her best friend a glance over her shoulder.
“What’s with you? You’re always hanging back recently. What’re you doing?”
Really? Because that’s not what she did the day before. She was out on the sidewalk with other students from her class, which would mean she left at near the same time they did.
Zombies can’t walk in the sunlight, she wanted to say.
Technically they can, just not for very long or they dry out. It’s not like they explode in a poof of dust like a vampire.
Instead, she turned sideways in her seat to better look at Orito. “I’ve got my reasons.” she obfuscated.
I don’t think that’s the word you want, author. To obfuscate is to bewilder, confound, or otherwise confuse someone. “Equivocated” is the probably the word you want, but I think something along the lines of “cryptic” would be better.
“Reasons you can’t go home?”
“It’s a complicated household” Ayumu explained vaguely, raising her hand palm-up in an expository manner.
Ummm … :looks down at hands: How do that?
I know what that word means, but I don’t know how it relates to a hand movement. I think this could be another word choice error, which is why you shouldn’t use big words if you aren’t quite sure what they mean.
“You live alone.”
That’s a really good point, Orito! Have a redemption cookie, dear.
Her held up hand clenched, leaning to the side as her thoughtful expression fell into an exasperated one.
I have no idea what that means! None of this interaction is making sense! This is like trying to play Pictionary blindfolded! Is she having some kind of spasm? Should I call Ishi-sensei?
“Oh, that’s right! I brought this today!” Orito declared in an excited manner, opening his bag and reaching inside.
Please be something inappropriate.
In one way, Orito and her were complete opposites.
Me don’t think that’s the right pronoun.
Ayumu was lazy and dull, while Orito was energetic and animated.
Slothful Siren Counter:27
Why he’d stuck to her like glue ever since she came to this school, she just couldn’t fathom.
It certainly isn’t for your charming personality or sparkling conversation skills. At least the canon Ayumu has the advantage of being a genuinely nice guy, if a bit of a dork.
He pulled a DVD out of his bag for the new zombie movie, ‘Zombie Hazard.’
Yet another fine example of irony cribbed from the source materials; although I think it was a video game in the original, which adds the additional layer of “asking a zombie to hunt zombies with you” irony to the situation.
“Let’s do this at your place.
That line makes sense in the original when it is a video game, something that requires active participation in, but now that it is a zombie movie, not so much.
Taeko-kun even said he wanted to come and watch it with us, can you believe it?” he suggested with a big smile on his face.
Dude. Do you have a bro-crush on Taeko-kun?
“No!” she snapped, grabbing his wrist and grasping it hard, much to her best friend’s shock.
Kind of over-reacting, aren’t you? M!Eu has been living with you for a month, you should be better at deflecting these sort of situations.
The world was extremely dependent on common sense.
Unfortunately, this fic is not.
If it got out that a simple student like her was living with a dashing prettyboy bishounen
That shouldn’t count, half of it is in Japanese!
Cultural exchange program? Really? How progressive of the DRD and the clan. Fine, have it your way then.
:blows silent ninja whistle:
—SEVERAL MINUTES LATER—
What is taking so long? I should be hearing the sounds of an awesomely epic battle outside this door!
:flings open door:
… Why are you all sitting calmly on the floor watching two guys in formal kimono writing poetry?
“The clan has engaged the most honorable agents using the ancient art of haiku jutsu, Ghostcat-sama.”
“A refined battle of words, Ghostcat-sama. If one authors a work inferior to that written by one’s opponent, then one must choose an end befitting such humiliation.”
Next time I’m calling Crunchy. He charges an arm and a leg, but that’s what respawn points are for.
“Moukin-niisan is being held in reserve.” :points:
:Ghostie peeks down the hall, spotting Crunchy sipping green tea and contemplating an orchid:
This day is just full of surprises.
and a naked loli girl…
Technically Haruna isn’t naked anymore, she was last seen wearing Fem!Ayumu’s old clothes.
“Unless Haruna-chan prefers the freedom of nudity over the restrictive prison of clothing.”
Why are you still here, sensei? And what the hell are you talking about?
“The discussion has grown rather intense within the hallway.”
Yeah, it’s almost rising to a dull murmur. That still doesn’t answer the second question.
“When one spends much of one’s time clad in armor and the all-encompassing traditional costume of one’s clan, the release experienced when one sheds those garments is quite exhilarating.”
Great, I just happen to be friends with a nudist ninja.
She’d be ruined!
What? The way the conversation is worded, it looks as if Fem!Ayumu isn’t worried about being “ruined”, whatever that means, but is reacting to the idea of Taeko coming to her house.
“O-Oh, really? I guess you’ve got some massive reasons.” Orito dismissed uneasily,
“They do appear quite ample.”
Eyes front, sensei. She’s underage.
stuffing the DVD back into his bag the moment the secret zombie let go of his wrist.
“Apologies, but how is it possible for a zonbi to remain secret? They possess a unique aroma.”
Different kind of zombie, sensei.
Turning to leave, he waved at the curvy high school student. “Some other time, then. See you!”
Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 68
“Yeah. Thank you.” Ayumu replied, a sickeningly sweet smile on her face as she waved back at him.
“Does something ail the undead female?”
She isn’t very good at normal personal interactions.
It was as Orito stepped out of the classroom and closed the door that he commented “That was weird… What’s up her ass?” before walking off.
“Why does he not direct his inquiry to the undead female? Perhaps she would welcome his concern for her anal regions.”
Ewww. They don’t really have that kind of relationship; in the source materials Orito is a kind of convenient friend and doesn’t really have a big presence in the anime.
It was then that a tall man dressed in a trench coat and hat approached the opposite door.
Completely unseen by Orito, who has vanished into the Void after delivering his mildly amusing line.
It was after Orito was gone that Ayumu sat sideways in her chair, sighing in a tired manner.
Slothful Siren Counter:28
Her thoughts turned to her two houseguests. The prettyboy bishounen
:wind chimes tinkle:
… That was different.
I miss the siren, though. It really wakes you up on these long nothing-narratives.
necromancer, Eu… the naked loli Masou-Shoujo, Haruna… Maybe she should think of them as noisy stray cats living with her. No, that was no good. She just hoped they didn’t fight…
I have a stray cat living in my spare bathroom and she’s actually really, really quiet. Mostly she just eats.
“Is this a common occurrence in the Outside World?”
She heard an odd noise, looking to see a strange man with glowing red eyes pressing himself against the door to the classroom.
Uh-oh – someone with glowing eyes. That’s a bad sign.
“Hai, it means the unfortunate fool has consumed one of Tamiko-san’s special spicy tuna rolls. One bite has been known to dissolve a man’s tongue.”
Why does she make them, then?
“Moukin-neesan is quite fond of them.”
With some trouble, he managed to open it, beginning a slow, steady walk down the rows of desks towards where the buxom teenaged zombie sat.
Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 69
“Apologies, but does the author believe the audience will forget that Ayumu-chan is both female and undead?”
As long as this bear of a chapter is, I don’t doubt that anyone reading the original would forget little things over the course of plowing through it.
“Who the heck is this old guy?” she muttered to herself. He reminded her of neighborhood watch street signs…
“Nani? One has never seen such a sign.”
The closest thing I know of in Japanese culture is a Chōnaikai, but Neighborhood Watches are more formal and regulated and tend to be geared more towards crime prevention than community services.
“Your ways are indeed strange.”
He stopped just a few feet beside the girl’s desk, finally speaking. “I want you.”
“Shall one contact Swenia-san?”
I don’t think this is going to turn into a slash fic. There’s probably going to be some slashing of a different sort, though. It the author sticks to the formula of following the source materials, there’s about to be another fight scene.
“…One would prefer the other slash.”
Without a doubt.
Ayumu shot up from her desk and into the aisle, recoiling, her body rigid as she raised one arm up as if in defense.
She was seated sideways in her seat and managed to stand up and move forward into the aisle while recoiling backwards, keeping her body rigid and raising her arm at the same time?
“One was not aware a human being could move in such a manner.”
Must be a zombie thing.
The suspicious man made a creepy breathing sound.
He’s not actually breathing, he just likes making the sound.
“Like Dragon-kun when he attempts to sing.”
Gumdrop’s getting better; his rendition of House of The Rising Sun brought people to their knees.
“From the pain of ruptured eardrums.”
At least no one died this time.
“I want you!” he repeated, walking toward the high school girl with his arms raised forward in a manner that just screamed ‘stranger danger.’
Ugh, the narration keeps slipping into a more conversational tone. It’s very distracting.
“Why is the strange man’s arms screaming such odd words?”
You don’t have ‘stranger danger’?
:Ishi looks puzzled:
Kiken no tanin?
“Wakarimasen; one does not understand this concept.”
I guess that’s not something a ninja would worry about.
“Wh-What are you on about?!” she stammered.
“I want you. Become mine!” the man continued.
I kind of want to hit the buzzer now, but I know this mysterious figure doesn’t mean it in a sexy-fun-times way.
Ayumu replied promptly by thrusting a hand over her rear and womanhood and letting out a strained noise of fright and disgust, backing up until her back was against the cabinets on the wall.
“One is not familiar with this form of response. Does the undead female wish to accept or reject the mysterious one’s confession?”
Reject. It’s done is a really odd way, though. In the source materials Ayumu does cover his butt with both hands and back away, but the way the author has tried to reproduce it with a female character just looks strange.
So, she died, her normal life coming to an end, yet she still had this waiting for her?! Getting molested by some freaky old guy? Oh, lord!
“Is there another female in the room?”
I don’t think so.
“Then who is speaking?”
I think it’s meant to refer to Fem!Ayumu, the source materials rely heavily on Ayumu’s internal dialogue and that isn’t something that has been carried over into the fic so the narration slips into this informal, almost first-person, tone at times. I find it very annoying.
The window slid open, Haruna standing on the windowsill clad only in a long, flowing pink T-shirt, striped panties, and holding her chainsaw.
You okay, sensei?
“One is reminded of one’s fifteenth anniversary celebration with Kanai-san. Fifteen is the year of panties and chainsaws.”
I can guess who got what.
“One does not appreciate the implication.”
Hey, I’ve seen you in your Strawberry Shortcake underpants before.
“They were a gift!”
I rest my case, Ichigo-sensei.
“Haruna! What are you doing up there?”
“You’re into old guys?!” she accused, pointing the pink chainsaw at her.
“No!” Ayumu screeched.
“As is evidenced by Ayumu-chan’s unorthodox position.”
Haruna isn’t very good at picking up social cues.
“Then what are you doing? He’s a Megalo! You know that, right?”
“How would I?!”
It’s a fair question; there’s no way she could know that.
“Did Ayumu-chan not defeat one of these Meguro previously?”
Yeah, but that was a giant bear. This isn’t, and Haruna hasn’t explained to anyone that Megalo can come in many different forms. I think she even referred to them as “insects” at one point.
The apparent Megalo chuckled in what Ayumu had to say was a creepy manner.
“Deep, soothing breaths, Ghostcat-sama.”
“It’s okay. I’m not scary.”
“Yes you are!” she retorted.
Honey, you were stabbed through the heart by a serial killer and resurrected by a necromancer. How is the creepy guy in the trenchcoat scary to you?
:Ishi sighs again:
Sweet mercy, what now?
“It brings back memories of our twenty-fifth anniversary…”
Please stop talking.
Chuckling some more, two lobster-like claws tore themselves out through the back of the man’s trench coat, which began snipping and shredding away at the rest of its coat, emerging as a huge, SUV-sized crawfish dressed in a boy’s school uniform!
“More roughage, Ghostcat-sama?”
Top me up, sensei. These daybook fights are the worse.
“A crawfish?” Ayumu quirked an eyebrow.
And they’re delicious. But where on Earth could we ever find enough butter for a crawdad the size of a truck?
:Ghostie and Ishi stare at each other and then collapse into fits of giggles:
—SEVERAL MINUTES LATER—
“I cannot believe you said that with a straight face, Ghostie-chan.”
:wipes eyes: I know, right? I was biting my tongue at the end.
“Yes.” Haruna confirmed, jumping down from the window sill to stand by the zombie’s side. “He’s a AA-class Megalo, the incredibly diabolical Zari! I think.”
“That is not very original.”
“To call the zarigari “Zari”. It is like calling an inu “Dog”.”
Dude, you work with a ninja who goes by the name “Shinobi”.
“One fails to see your point, Ghostcat-sama.”
:Ghostie rubs her forehead:
The huge crayfish laughed in a manner that sounded like it was underwater.
Gee, thanks for telling me that rather than trying to show me!
“It would be quite difficult to accomplish such a feat.”
Difficult but possible; like visual elements, auditory elements don’t translate very well unless you put a lot of effort into building the scene. Even then it can be hit or miss.
“I came here drawn by the power of a Masou-Shoujo! But…” it pointed its claw at Ayumu. “Why does the power reside inside you, human?”
You see, son, when two people love each other very much, they engage in a special type of hug…
“One does not believe that is how it works, Ghostcat-sama.”
“That’s a long story…” The zombie sighed.
Sweet mercy, is it ever a long story.
“I hate long stories!” Haruna barked.
“Haruna-chan is a wonderfully insightful child.”
If it wasn’t for her “confused lesbian feelings” plotline, she might be a decent character. But she’s the least changed from the source materials, so that might be a factor.
“I ain’t talkin’ to you!” she growled back at the Masou-Shoujo.
You two behave, or so help me I’ll turn this fic around!
It’s an empty threat, sensei.
“Hmph!” Haruna stabbed her chainsaw into the floor. “Super Masou Shoujo Transformation!” She began to glow a pink light. “Nomobuyo, Oshi, Hashitawa, Dokeda, Gunmiicha, Dei Ribura!” she chanted,
What is it now?
“The words … you do not find them humorous?”
No. It doesn’t sound like any Japanese I know. It’s just gibberish.
“Read the characters backwards, Ghostcat-sama.”
Okay … :murmurs to self:
Wait a second. “I am lovely and charming but I summon Death”? How did I not notice that?
“It is quite clever.”
Pity the author stole it from the source materials.
the clothes Ayumu had first seen her in appearing on her body piece by piece amidst the blinding pink light.
Crapcakes, the author is going to try to replicate the transformation sequence.
“I am scared, Ghostcat-sama.”
When the transformation was done,
Huh. That was relatively painless.
“At last, a use for the dreaded daybook style.”
Ayumu only had a few moments to gaze in shock at Haruna before her clothes evaporated into sparkles of light. All of them. She dropped her chainsaw, Mystletainn, to the floor as her arms found themselves to her private places.
What is it with these girls and their constant need to touch their naughty areas?
“Haruna-chan’s actions are dishonorable!”
Hey; girls have needs, too.
“One speaks of her treatment of her weapon, not her body.”
Oh. I knew that.
“But why?! I ate lots of food!” she whined.
And that was supposed to fix your mysterious vanishing powers? It’s directly from the source materials, but in that case the character makes references to building up her strength in a previous scene.
The crayfish, Zari, let loose its underwater-like chuckle again, along with a burst of gray steam from beneath it.
“Apologies, but how does one release steam from a chuckle?”
As it loomed over Haruna, she crouched down to the ground in an upright fetal position, still covering her very nude body.
Sensei, you have that chart of human positions? Not the kinky one, the boring one.
:Ishi produces a chart:
Here’s fetal; curling up into a ball with knees bent and arms wrapped around the knees.
I don’t know how anyone could curve themselves like that and still remain upright.
“Haruna-chan must have an excellent sense of balance.”
“I don’t know what happened, but when a Masou-Shoujo loses her powers, she not only becomes helpless…” As Haruna’s face reacted with a look of horror, Zari reared its claw back. “But so much easier to kill!”
That’s kind of the definition of helpless, you know. I’m surprised that didn’t trigger the…
:wind chimes tinkle:
That is really unnerving, but calming at the same time. What is that song?
“They have been tuned to play the theme from ‘Gunsmoke’.”
Now it’s just weird.
As it swiped its right claw at Haruna, Ayumu dove in front of the attack, taking a deep, large, heavy gash across her back,
Ugh, now that’s going to be stuck in my head all day.
tearing the back of her school uniform shirt open so that the front hung loosely off her body now, held in place only by by the sleeves. Despite the blood, it didn’t hurt, and the wound was already beginning to heal.
Oh, c’mon! Not even Deadpool or Wolverine can heal that fast! And again with the “no pain” garbage. I’m still not buying it.
“If Ayumu-chan truly felt no pain, then she would sustain many more minor injuries over the course of a day.”
Thank you! Someone finally gets it.
“What’s with you? What happened to all that bravado you had back at the graveyard?” she asked in a deadly serious tone, casting a cold glance down at the cowering naked loli girl. “Are you actually scared?”
“Haruna-chan is a young girl stripped of both her powers and her clothing and faces a fearsome monster. Why would she not feel fear?”
That’s a good question. She still had her powers when she was fighting Kumacchi, or thought she still had them and just needed to rest up, but now she’s facing the loss of those powers head-on. It is a scary thing.
That seemed to snap Haruna out of it. Good.
So much for character development – let’s kick some lobster ass!
Meh. Potato, tomato.
“Don’t be a ditz! Why would I be afraid of a Megalo? I’m a genius. Yes, a genius Masou-Shoujo!” She stood up proud and tall, not even covering herself anymore.
“It would appear Haruna-chan is only ashamed of her nudity when it is convenient to the plot for her to be.”
It’s strange. In the source materials, she stands up and then pulls down one of the curtains to cover herself. This author just really likes nude girls.
Ayumu snapped a quick picture with her cellphone.
“It would appear you are correct, Ghostcat-sama.”
Dude. There are times and places when it is acceptable to take nude photos, and facing down a hentai crawfish in your classroom is neither of those things.
“I’m gonna take Scissorhands here and bam, smash him up! Screw you, rotting chest flesh!”
Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter –70
Watching Haruna’s crescent-shaped ahoge twitching from her sheer, overflowing guts,
“Entrails that shall shortly be piled at her bare feet.”
Ewww. Not those kind of guts, sensei.
Ayumu managed a lazy, crooked smile.
Slothful Siren Counter:29
“That’s all I needed to hear. Leave it to me.” Huh? Leave it to… her?
“Ayumu-chan does have a slight advantage over Haruna-chan in this situation; she is still clothed.”
Partially clothed, the Megalo tore open her shirt so she’s probably going to be topless soon.
This is a good place to stop for the day; the following fight scene is extremely long and clunky so it deserves its own chapter.
“That was not so bad, Ghostcat-sama.”
Oh, really? You want to come back next time? It gets so much worse.
“One will think upon it.”