1073: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter Five

Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media:  Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hey guys, and welcome back to more FaCe ThE StRaNgE!

Well, patrons, from now on, we’re going to go ahead and erect a calming pie stand out in the hallway. Trust me, I’m gonna need all the calming pies in the world.

So come one, come all, to the only way Herr might possibly stay sane throughout this snarking.

And let’s move on.

Our next chapter starts with this:

Dally, Hiei, Shadow, Edward, Jack, and Sasuke left off trying to find Dumbledore. They were gunna get him frisked from the school because he tried to warp some boys.

Wait, so why are you going to find Dumbledore? If you’re going to frisk him, you need to make hands on Hogwarts! And last I checked, he didn’t actually stuff Edward into a warp pipe, you know what I’m saying?

They looked in Hoodmeade, the chamber of secretes. And even used the map that Harry’s dad left him of Hogwerts but could not see him for shite.

…

*squints*

Wait, holy hell… Is the grammar of this fic slowly breaking down as we go?

…

Okay, turns out we have what we’d get if My Immortal had been a crossover.

“Wait” said Draco “I know where the fuck we will find that bastert.”

They got in the car and drove to the mall by the school.

This just in: apparently, a mall opened right by Hogwarts! Because the Ministry of Magic would totally let our capitalist overlords sell their wares to magical people who don’t even use the same currency the rest of us do!

First they checked American Engle, then they checked Wet Seal, then they checked Tifanny and Co-op, but they finally found him in the queerest of all stores… Holster.

*frown*

Okay, first of all… Uncle Google!

*goes to Uncle Google*

Huh. Okay, so American Eagle opened three stores in the UK, so it’s not as if it’s not a thing. However, considering that this expansion into Europe happened after the last snapshot that the Wayback Machine has for the site, it’s impossible for American Eagle to have been there at the time this was written. I have no idea what the fuck Wet Seal is, and I thought it was spelled Tiffany.

Oh, but the real kicker? Hollister. (Hollister, not Holster, Dally. I know this is a trollfic, but come on!) How the hell is goddamn Hollister the “queerest” of all stores? I mean, I know that the CEO of parent company Abercrombie and Fitch at the time was gay, but really? That doesn’t make their stores “queer”! For shit’s sake, honey, have you seen queer clothing stores? They tend to announce themselves pretty loudly, you know!

…

Fuck it, you know what? I’m going to start counting specific incidents, too.

*hits buzzer*

Fuck Progress Count: 6

Seriously, I hope whoever is insane enough to actually think this fic is for real never gets dropped into a leather convention. They would lose their goddamn minds…

They all pulp out their wands and did cruses on him.

Pulp? So are their wands constructed from citrus trees or something?

He flew in the air and wobbled like a booby, and hit a lot of slaves on the way down.

So he turned into an anthropomorphic bird and then whipped a bunch of slaves while his equipment failed all around him? That’s one of the more… interesting images I’ve seen around bad fanfics…

The employee working was getting liberated. “YOU WILL NEED TO LEAVE IF YOU SIMPLE PLAN ON KEEPING THIS UP” he roared, yeling.

*snerk*

Okay, that store employee is actually a badass. I mean, there’s Dumbledore whipping a ton of slaves while flying around as if he were goddamn Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in David Lynch’s Dune, and he’s just standing there telling him to take it outside like it’s nobody’s business. Still not a likable character since he’s not stopping slavery and all that, but it’s something.

Though, why is he roaring while—

*ALARM SOUNDS*

Oh, shitbiscuits.

*runs over to the mirror with a deck*

HENSHIN!

*transforms, then turns to the window*

Bring it on, DRD!

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]

…

What?

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/562669103555825664/L6KWwIwa_400x400.jpeg [I mean, you’d trust a guy with this kind of facial expression too, wouldn’t you?]

But no one heard him over the sound of acne going on.

I don’t know how the hell a whipping would leave only acne there, but you know what? It’s the least of the stupid around here. Let’s just run with it.

Dumbledore knew how to excape however because he was a master of the escapes, and he clicked is heels together and said danished.

*headdesk*

Oh my God, what it is with this author and assigning gay stuff to everything? I mean, Jesus, I know Judy Garland has a massive following around gay people, but making a Wizard of Oz reference just because of that? No!

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Fuck Progress Counter: 7

“WE WILL NEVER CATCH HIM” cryed Draco,

Don’t you have the Marauder’s Map on you? I’m sure you could find a way to adapt it to other places nearby to find him, right?

just then Dallystarted getting morning sickness all over the store. “Oh my god…” Draco said, looking at the puke. “Are you…. ….?”

*blink*

Wait, WHAT!?

“This can’t be…” Daldo said,

*hits buzzer*

Say My Name Count: 5

“Hiei… I thought…!”

No. No!

*hits the wall*

You can’t seriously expect me to believe that the morning sickness set in literally a day after Dally and Hiei actually had sex! Are you for fucking…? Are you…?

*BAM*

*hands Alma to Lyle*

Here. I get the feeling you might need this.

“THIS IS NOT MY FAULT,” said Hiei. Just then he started to show his true colors…

Show his true colors? What are you talking about?

No, really, think about this, patrons: what the fuck did Hiei do? Yes, he did stupidly suggest that whole “turn the cum into water” bullshit and not consider getting actual goddamn birth control, but if you think he’s the only guilty party in all this you’re mistaken.

And I wouldn’t mind if it were Dally saying that. Dally doesn’t know Edward’s involvement in all this. But the fact that it’s the narration saying that he’s showing his true colors, and further that this fic isn’t in a limited point of view? No. Fuck no.

“it wasn’t me… I swear to god it wasn’t me…”

Well, he’s not wrong.

“It WAS you,” Dally insisted. She could not believe he was denying it.. they had sex a hundred times and she never had sex with any of the ones.

A hundred times? Wasn’t it a thousand the last time you said this?

“YOU CAME IN ME. I TOLD YOU YOU CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN FROM ANAL.”

*snerk*

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[Three Hours Later…]

*walks back in*

Sorry. Holy shit, I haven’t laughed that hard since Kyubey told us what Ulrich-Stu’s IQ is supposed to be.

I just… Wow. I’m not even going to comment on that line. That line is so stupid it comments on itself!

Hiei got bat… the others just stared down ventmently. “Hiei is this true?” said Edward coyly as if to pretend nothing happened, “Did you impignate her?”

Well, I don’t see any piglets flying out of her vagina, so I will assume that’s a—

“WELL YOU WOULD KNOW,” said Hiei, “YOU FUCKED BELLA… AND HTEN YOU KILLED HER.”

*frown*

Whoah, how do you know that he had sex with Bella? And when the fuck did she have time to have sex with Bella? Literally, Bella showed up at Hogwarts, got kidnapped by Snape, and then got killed by Dally.

And speaking of which, with the second one… you’re not telling people anything they don’t know.

Edward was baken aback. “Is that true?” asked Dally, “Edward… I can’t believe you…” she started crying.

*headdesk*

Dally, you were there! Hell, you were the one who egged Edward to kill Bella! Or did you forget that?

“Why are you crying?” asked Hiei. “I.. I wanted to be Edwerds first time..” she admits.

*headdesk*

So you wanted to fuck Hiei, and now you want to move on to Edward now that you did that? Gee, this girl is about as desirable as goddamn acne.

Everyone was in raw.

Really? Cannibalism? Come on, guys! What the hell?

“Dally… I … I need to text you something” he looked at Hiei then pulled out his motorolla. “WHAT ARE YOU SYAING?” hiei demanded. He did not like that their was a private convo happenin.

…

Wait, since when did Hiei get unreasonably jealous of people trying to hit on his girl. I thought that was Edward Cuntwagon’s job!

A text popped up on Dally’s screen.

“I did not have sex with Bally,” Edward said, “You can still be my fart”

Um… Why would you have sex with an entire fitness center, and who in their right mind would want to be a fart?

*headdesk*

I don’t even know what to do. Next, you’ll tell me that they’re going to name their little organization or something!

Draco put Dally in a wheelchair, “Listen everyone I think we should put KTFD (Killing The Faggot Dumbledore) on hold

…

“Killing the Faggot Dumbledore”? “Killing the Faggot Dumbledore”!?!?!?

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Fuck Progress Count: 8

I just… wow.

because Dally’s water could beak any time and its important we send her to the hospital wins.”

How!? I mean, not even Bella’s pregnancy in Breaking Dawn led to birth this quickly! For fuck’s sake, they literally conceived this baby YESTERDAY! She shouldn’t be getting morning sickness for another month, never mind the whole bit where her water breaks!

How the fuck is this even possible!?

They returned back to the school and Dally sat in the hospital bed. All kinds of tubes were attracted to her arms and legs to keep her populated.

Now entering scenic Dally Darkblood.

Population: 1

..it reminded Edward of when Bellala was in the hospital. But he didn’t want to think about her… she was dead now. Now it was al about Bella.

So you don’t want to think about Bella, so now it’s all about Bella. ‘Cause that makes sense!

“I’m going to go get you some medicine,” said Hiei, and kissed her on the forehead, leaving.

“Oh, and if you hear any screams in the hallway, don’t panic: it’s just my trip to get you some medicine going according to plan!

IT left her all alone with Edward. He sat next to her on the bed. “You’re going to be oakaki, Dally,” he said, his voice sultry and soothing, and he put is hand on her leg under the cover. She was only waring a hospital gowns so it was her bear white leg.

Holy shit, Edward, you’re hitting on someone who is in a goddamn hospital. No! Just no!

“Edward…. Is that your wand?” she asked, feeling to weak to check.

…

No.

*holds Alma*

Don’t you fucking go there, Dally! Don’t you goddamn dare! If you do, I swear to God I will—

“No… it is my hand…

How does a hand in any way feel like a straight wooden object with a single point?

*headdesk*

You know what? It’s trollfic. I frankly shouldn’t be asking that.

how are you feeling?” he asked her. His eyes were shinning gold… “Are you feeling… like being my first?”

While she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby? Yeah, good luck with that, Edward. I know it’s technically possible, but not all women are into that, you know what I’m saying?

He learned in to kiss her… but she turned, so he only got the cheek.  “You’re 16… are you sure you’re a virgin?” she asked him doubtedly.

*BAM*

A hundred and four. Also, he wasn’t even turned when he was 16.

When someone who isn’t a fan of the series can fact-check you, you know you’ve fucked up.

“I am sure,” he said, “I haven’t even used tongue with Bella.”

Evidently not, if you had no problem with killing her. And no, I’m not planning on letting you off the hook for that, you basic asshole!

“Well… I am with Hiei. He won’t like it if we do that,” she said, shriving a little.

Well, to be fair, he is the father of her baby. I’m pretty sure I would be mad if Edward Cuntface here tried to do the nasty with Dally while she was pregnant with his child.

“I thought you said you wanted to… you can’t blue balls me,” he said flatly, “Seriously if you don’t put out youre a bitch just like Bella.”

…

…

…

*hits buzzer*

Fuck Progress Counter: 9

Seriously, who the fuck is this misogynistic bastard? I just… Wow.

Dally started to cry… why was he being so mean to her? She thought.

Because he’s a basic douchebag who should never have gotten any of your attention in the first place? Seriously, girl, I don’t know what decency you were expecting of someone who scowled at the competition for doing so much as introducing themselves!

Hiei came back in though and Edwart porned off.  “What is he so mad about?” Hiei asked. “I don’t know,” Bella lied.

Wait, so why the hell does Bella keep coming back?

…

She’s supposed to be Dally, isn’t she?

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Say My Name Count: 6

“Listen… Dally… I need to talk to you about something,” Hiei said, sitting on the bed where Edward shat. “Do you remember when I stayed in Sasuke’s room with him?”

Dally’s stomach fell off… she got nervous, “Uh… y-y-yeah…”

“Well… the truth… is that… we…… Sasuke and me…. We….”

“OUT WITH IT” she said.

Ten bucks says she ends the scene with this:

“We… we… we had sex!” Hiei was so embarrassed.

“WHAT?!”

The hole school could hear the scream…

…

You know what? I’m gonna add that to the counter pre-emptively.

*hits buzzer*

Fuck Progress Counter: 10

And on that note, I’ll see you guys next week.

Pray this doesn’t get any worse. Just… please pray it doesn’t get any worse.

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