1072: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Fourteen

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

So, have a good time at sensitivity training?

“Actually, I did.”

Huh, wasn’t expecting that answer. What happened?

“Me and the training guy, Jeff, spent the entire time messing around. It was great!”

Dude, you seduced the sensitivity trainer!?

“Not that kind of messing around, the other kind. You know, when you goof off and don’t do anything useful. He apparently doesn’t really like his job all that much or something. We spent the first three sessions playing boardgames like Pandemic and Castle Panic and talking about our kids. He’s got a little girl, Beth; she’s pretty cute from the pictures I’ve seen.”

That sounds nice. Hopefully you’re not going to get him in trouble or anything.

“He’ll probably be okay. He’s a bit of a smooth talker, so he can probably avoid any heat. Besides, I’m certainly not going to rat him out.”

So you basically are going to spend the two weeks of sensitivity training playing boardgames?

“Pretty much. Jeff’s invited some of the DRD people to join in. He says they’re cool and won’t tattle to the management. Having a few more players means we can break out some of the games that require three or more people at the table.”

Huh, well, I guess it worked out for you, then.

“Damn straight, it did.”

I guess we can’t put off this recap any longer. Not that there’s much to tell, really. The last chapter was even more empty than usual. Really all that happened was that they arrived at a volcano, got chased by Fire Bird, had a daybook fight scene with a wounded virage, had a daybook fight scene with Fire Bird, and then they left the volcano.

Chapter XIV: Into the Dragon’s Nest

“I can’t help but notice that each chapter features a different area of the game.”

Yeah, I noticed that too. Pretty horrible way to decide what constitutes a chapter.

Upon reaching the top of the hillside, the five spotted an eerie forest in the distance. A chill ran down Stryfe’s spine as he glanced at it, and sweat began moving down Dart’s forehead.

“Forests are scary shit.”

Just thinking of a copse of trees makes me shiver.

Shaking his head to shrug off the fear he felt the first time he encountered Feyrbrand, Stryfe felt his legs move forward, inching closer and closer towards the forest.

Has somebody taken control of his body or something?

“Feyrbrand has super psychic compulsion powers!”

Whatever his powers are, he needs to make Strife hurry up. Gonna take forever to get to that forest inching along like that.

As they entered the forest, the five headed across a riverbed towards the east. Upon coming across an intersection of pathways, Stryfe noticed that Rose has stopped, looking around for anything suspicious.

*Yawn* “This prose is just so dead. I need some roughage or something.”

I think it’s largely due to how little variance in sentence structure there is. It’s always the same 2-part sentence that boils down to the equation of ‘During first action, second action occurs.’ Very wearying to read that over and over and over again. Especially since it’s terrible sentence composition in the first place.

Rose: Guys? Do you feel something?

Bored and kinda hungry.

Stryfe: What is it, Rose?

Rose: This forest is contaminated by the Dragon’s poison.

I hate it when you don’t properly train your dragon and it starts marking everywhere.

Stryfe suddenly saw a strange green puff appear in front of him, then disappear into thin air.

“AND FROM BEHIND!”

So close.

As he looked around, he noticed numerous amounts of the same type of puffs appearing and disappearing all over the forest.

Somebody get this forest some Gas-X or something!

Stryfe then suddenly got a chill, as he looked at them, knowing that they must be an after effect of the Dragon making it’s nest in this forest.

“If the dragon is still living in the forest, which it is, then this is NOT an after-effect. It’s an effect.”

Stryfe: You’re right. On top of that, we haven’t encountered any of the Sandorans yet.

They probably have more sense then to hang out in the forest of eternal farting.

Lavitz: Of course. The Dragon must be the reason why the Sandorans haven’t set up a defense in this forest. A normal person cannot be exposed to this “poison” for too long. It’s a natural defense the Dragon made to protect it’s territory.

And by “poison” he means…?

“Flatus.”

Right.

Suddenly, Stryfe saw Shana nearly collapse, barely balancing herself on a nearby tree.

“And this is why bringing the non-dragoons was a stupid idea.”

Shana: Oh my…

Stryfe: Shana?

Dart: What’s wrong, Shana!?

Shana: I just…feel a little dizzy, that’s all.

It’s totally not the lethal poison. Just some random vertigo.

“Seems legit.”

Lavitz: I guess it must be hard for a woman.

“Hey, asshole, reign the sexism in or I’m gonna come in there and shank you.”

Stryfe: What the hell does that mean!?

Rose: He’s right. I’m a woman too, Lavitz.

Well, at least somebody is finally being outraged that Lavitz is acting like a sexist prick. Took them long enough.

Lavitz: You’re special, Rose.

“Way to back-peddle, jerk.”

Stryfe facepalmed himself.

“OH! Let me help!” *SMACK*

He knew women could fight just as much as men could, and he couldn’t believe how narrow-minded Lavitz was acting.

Thanks for telling us that. Care to show us something?

“I have a feeling this is about to get very patronizing.”

Rose: “Special”? I don’t capitalize on a woman’s frailty anyway.

“Frail my ass. The only thing frail here is Lavitz’s whimpering little sense of self-worth.”

Stryfe: Lavitz, a woman can fight just as much as a man can. Seriously, there are female soldiers in the Basil Army, aren’t there?

Lavitz: Well…yes. But…

Dude, you just thought most of that to yourself. If you were going to say it anyway, you didn’t need that other sentence.

“I get to find it insulting that the author isn’t letting the women fight this battle for themselves, right?”

I certainly would.

Shana: I don’t mean to do…oh no…

Shana nearly collapsed before catching herself. Although Dart tried to help her up, she managed to get up on her own.

Call me crazy, but maybe, just maybe, you should all be having this discussion someplace that isn’t filled with poison gas.

“Crazy talk!”

Shana: I’m okay. See? Rose is fine too.

Uh, Shana, Rose is a freaking Dragoon. You almost collapsed. Twice.

Stryfe: Shana…

Shana: But…I’m sorry. I need to go rest a little.

“Because taking a quick break nullifies the affects of lethal poison.”

Especially if that break happens in the fumes.

Dart: Shana!

As Shana ran up the northern path, Dart and Lavitz were quick to follow her.

“Uh, is she heading deeper into the poison forest, or heading away from it?”

Well, as you can see from this map *holds up a blank piece of paper* she’s heading North into the voidy part of the forest.

Stryfe however, stayed behind with Rose for a bit before they went to catch up with Dart, Shana and Lavitz. Upon locating Dart, Shana and Lavitz, Stryfe and Rose found Dart and Shana underneath an overgrown root in the shape of a tree with Lavitz watching them.

“Woof.”

It’s like the author finds it necessary to keep typing out the names so that he doesn’t forget them or something.

Dart: Are you all right?

Shana: Uh huh.

“Peachy. That whole nearly dying from the poison was a mere inconvenience.”

Stryfe: Are you sure about that?

Shana: Don’t worry. I don’t feel sick anymore. Besides, I think I got used to the air in this place.

Because that’s how poison works.

Dart: Then, can you come with us?

Shana: Sure. If I fall down here, there would be no meaning to me coming along with all of you.

“Of course. Because dying of poison would be meaningless, it’s easy to resist.”

Lavitz: Indeed, we can say the war is in our hands, because the Kaisers cannot make a move.

“The who?”

The eighth knighthood of Basil. They’re called the Kaisers at a few places in the game. Granted, it’s better explained there. This is the first reference to them as “the Kaisers” in the fic, and it comes right the hell out of nowhere.

Stryfe: Shana, next time don’t go off alone like that. We don’t even know what lurks in this forest.

“Sure you do. It’s got a big fucking poison dragon, for one.”

Shana: Sorry.

Dart: Now, let’s move on.

As Dart and Shana left together, Stryfe couldn’t help but let out a quiet chuckle due to how they were acting around each other.

Shame that scene was cut from the fic. See, author, that’s the weird thing about writing. If you’re going to have your insertion comment on the actions of other characters, those actions actually have to happen in the fic.

“Mind. Blown.”

Rose: They’re playing brother and sister.

“Well, they would be if Stimpy could stop jacking Dart’s lines.”

Or the author could show anything.

Lavitz: Yep. They’re always like that.

We’ll just have to take his word for it, since the audience has no baseline.

Stryfe: They were always like that when we were younger. But maybe that’ll change…

“Or maybe it doesn’t matter and isn’t any of your business.”

Heading back towards the pathway intersection, the five proceeded further along the east on the path they initially started on. Then, they came across a large hole that was covered by what appeared to be a thick spider web. Not sure if it would hold or not, Stryfe carefully stepped on the web to make sure it was stable enough to hold his weight.

“Walking out onto a giant ass-spider web strikes me as a really, really stupid thing to do.”

I can think of stupider things, but most of those involve running through various carnivore exhibits covered in meat spread.

Unbeknownst to Stryfe, Dart and the others became curious and stepped onto the web as well.

“And that strikes me as really, really stupid.”

Maybe they’ll start jumping on it or holding a torch to it so they can see if it’s flammable.

The web began to become unstable and couldn’t hold the amount of weight they all put on it. As Stryfe tried to turn around to tell them to get off the web, the web lost it’s support and broke.

Everyone screams filled Stryfe’s eardrums including his own as they fell deeper and deeper into the hole.

Woof.

“Now you’re doing it.”

Please, I was doing it when you were still a bit character in a terrible fanfic.

“Rawr hiss, dude. You gonna shake the cane at me next?”

Finally, the screams were cut off by a huge thud as Stryfe saw solid ground coming toward his view.

Did… did they just all die!?

“Yes! That’s it for this fic. Thanks for reading pat-”

*BZZZT*

“The hell did that come from?”

It’s built into the chairs. Even the comfy one.

Although he was temporarily knocked out by the fall, Stryfe regained consciousness upon being woken up by Rose.

He regained consciousness when woken up… bloody-

*ALARM BLARES*

*Swenia reaches down her blouse and pulls out an R36 assault rifle then plasters a huge smile on her face* “How does this look. Happy enough?”

You look like a deranged maniac ready for a spree. It’s terrifying.

“Close enough!” *Swenia runs out into the hall*

-[One scene of deranged forced happiness later]-

“Apparently many of them prefer the scowl.”

I certainly do. It’s familiar and not nearly as frightening.

Stryfe: Rose?

Rose: You’re alright…

Stryfe: Ugh…I tried to warn you guys.

Dart: Well if you told us sooner-

Or if you’d used your melon and realize that walking out onto the precarious web as a group was a bad idea…

Shana: Uh…

Dart immediately turned around upon hearing Shana. As Stryfe got on his feet, he saw Dart helping Shana up.

Dart: Good, you’ve come around.

Stryfe: You okay, Shana?

Shana: Yes. I think…I’m fine.

Stryfe: Where are we anyway?

Suddenly, a loud roar came from deeper in the cave. Stryfe and Dart both knew that roar.

“Oh, I see, the plot sucked them down there. That’s why they decided to stand on the web.”

Rose: We’re in the heart of the nest.

Dart: Well, at least we don’t need to look for Feyrbrand anymore.

This definitely falls under the ‘better lucky than good’ category.

Stryfe: You talking that way because we’re Dragoons now, Dart?

“No, he’s saying that because you just found the dragon. Hence, you don’t need to look for it anymore. Do I really have to explain this to you, Slinky?”

Maybe a puppet show would help it sink in.

Dart: I guess. This time, we’ll have it on the ropes.

Stryfe: Yeah.

Well, they’ve curb-stomped everything else that’s stood in their way, so I guess this is just them being realistic about how much tension the author is actually going to create.

Shana: Guys, look at this.

Stryfe, Rose, Dart and Lavitz turned around and looked at Shana, who was kneeling down and looking at a clean patch of water that wasn’t contaminated by Feyrbrands poison.

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 50

Stryfe: There’s still pure water here?

Shana: At least the entire forest isn’t spoiled.

Yup, everywhere but this puddle. Time to celebrate the good fortune of this forest.

The five heard another roar from Feyrbrand coming from deep within the cave. Stryfe silently clenched his fist as the echoes of the roar died down.

“Damn roar! Spittle will teach you not to echo!”

Dart: Let’s go. If we defeat the Dragon, the rest of the forest will be saved.

Because poison goes inert when you kill the thing excreting it. That’s why it’s safe to eat blowfish.

Stryfe: I was thinking the same thing.

“Because the both of you are the same… and stupid.”

There were many intersecting pathways that lead to another room higher up, but there was only one true path that led to Feyrbrand’s lair.

“Woof.”

After a while of going up and down through the floors, Stryfe, Dart, Shana, Rose and Lavitz eventually figured out the correct pathway and found themselves at the entrance of the Dragon’s lair.

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 51

Upon entering a room that had a wall filled with similar silk webs that the five encountered before, a shadowy figure stood before them.

Oh hai, Greham!

“Who?”

He’s initially the Dragoon of Wind, and an ex-leader of the second knighthood of Basil. He’s kind of a jerk since he joined with Doel to bring down Basil using Feyrbrand.

“Who is there!? Is that you, Lavitz!? How ironic to find you venturing here!”

“Not sure how that’s ironic.”

Well, one of the definitions of irony is a reversal of expectation. So if he expected to not see Lavitz…

“That’s really stretching for it.”

Stryfe: You know this man?

Lavitz: He’s…Greham!

Dart: How do you know him?

“You find that the only people you can really relate to as a head of the knights is another head knight. And the winters in Basil are long, lonely, and cold…”

Still hoping for that slash, I see.

“A girl’s gotta dream.”

Lavitz: I’ll never forget him! He used to be the head of the Second Knighthood of Basil…The man who used to be my father’s best friend!

“Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.”

As Lavitz raced forward to confront Greham, who was standing on a web covered rock, Stryfe, Dart, Shana and Rose raced to catch up with Lavitz as he stared evilly at Greham, who returned with an eerily calm stare at Lavitz.

And thus begins the 32 hours stare-off between jerkwad and jackass.

Greham: Welcome, Lavitz. I see you have become a knight, fulfilling the wishes of your late father, Servi.

“Well, he’s certainly polite, I’ll give him that.”

Yeah, Greham is a Crunchy-level villain. Very polite, well spoken, and a great host.

Lavitz: Don’t you DARE mention my father’s name!

Lavitz on the other hand. He just can’t get over a tiny little thing like betrayal and the murder of his father.

“So touchy.”

Greham: Are you still carrying that grudge after more than a dozen years for my betrayal of your father!?

See!? He’s got a point. Gotta let these things go, Lavitz. Now sit down and have tea with the man before he kills you.

Lavitz: Not just that! You betrayed King Albert! You betrayed every single oath you took and every single person I know!

“Greham had a LOT of oaths going, I see.”

Probably part of the reason he betrayed them all. Dude could only juggle so many oaths before snapping. If you’re gonna break one, may as well break all of ’em, right?

Greham: Is that the wrath of a patriotic knight, or a man full of vengeance?

Maybe a patriotic knight full of vengeance?

“Yeah, they don’t strike me as being mutually exclusive things.”

Lavitz drew his lance and pointed it at Greham, a look of vicious anger in his eyes.

“I’d be pissed too if somebody was pointing a lance at me. Ruuude.”

Lavitz: BOTH! Greham! I now get avenge my father, who trusted you and died in vain!

Lavitz will knock you down!

Greham simply gave off an evil laugh before glaring at Lavitz.

“Gave off? What, did he just emit an evil laugh like a tape-recorder or some kind of alarm?”

Yeah, Greham doesn’t like to be put on the spot, so he uses an evil laugh track instead of doing them live.

Greham: “Get revenge”…huh? Try! See if you can truly best me and my newly obtained power!

Poor guy is about to get slaughtered.

“Guess nobody taught him to recognize a Stu on sight.”

Greham suddenly took out an orb that was eerily similar to Stryfe, Dart and Rose’s Dragoon Spirits, but green. It then began to glow a bright emerald green in his hand as he clenched it tightly.

If you grip things tighter they work better!

*Swenia clenches a whiskey glass, shattering it* “I want a refund on that advice.”

Greham: Emerge! The power of the Dragon!

“Dude, keep the power of the dragon in your cave.”

After a bright flash temporarily blinded the five, they saw that Greham had the same Dragoon Armor as Stryfe, Dart and Rose did, albeit it was jade green in color. Stryfe, Dart, Shana, Rose and Lavitz couldn’t believe what they were seeing right in front of their eyes.

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 52

Lavitz: You…you’re a Dragoon!?

Rose: It shouldn’t be a surprise.

And frankly, it’s not.

Only the Dragoons can manipulate Dragons! Behind the Dragon, there should be…

The long legs of Feyrbrand stepped into the room from a large opening from above, interrupting Rose before she could finish. As it’s bug-like eyes looked around the room, Stryfe silently glared at the Dragon, clenching his Dragoon Spirit tightly in his grip.

“There sure is a lot of clenching and glaring in this scene.”

Greham: This is the power I obtained!

Rose: Obtaining that power isn’t an easy matter! Where did you get that Dragoon Spirit!?

Dude, you can find everything on Craigslist!

Greham: I’m amazed there is someone in Basil who knows about this. Fine. You too will know before you die! His Majesty Doel got all his power and intelligence from the great Emperor Diaz!

“Let me monologue a bit before you kill me. It’s about standards.”

Stryfe: What!?

Main screen turn on!

Rose: Are you delusional? Emperor Diaz died eleven thousand years ago! With the name of the Holy Imperial Gloriano!

Greham: If this is a dream, how can you explain what you are seeing before you? Come Lavitz! I will give you a chance to avenge your father! If you have the courage to fight against the legendary Dragoon!

Yeah… about that. They sorta have you out-dragooned three to one. Sure, you have a dragon and all, but Rose was enough by herself to hold it off earlier.

“Oof, that isn’t going to end well for him at all.”

No, it’s really not.

With the raise of his hand, Greham ordered Feyrbrand to attack. Stryfe, Dart and Rose immediately transformed into their Dragoon Forms and evaded the initial strike by flying into the air while Lavitz and Shana dove aside to avoid the lunge. Feyrbrand and Greham launched numerous wind and poison attacks at the five, but Stryfe, Dart and Rose countered the spells with their own Gravity, Fire and Dark based magic attacks.

“Go, character blob, go! Do the thing! To the other thing!”

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 53

Initally focusing on Feyrbrand at first,

Oh son of a-

*ALARM BLARES*

*Swenia runs out into the hall, deranged smile on her face*

-[One scene of creepy violence later]-

“I could get used to their hilarious reactions to my smile.”

You’re enjoying this way too much.

the five quickly realized that they would have to defeat the Dragoon behind the Dragon first, as whenever Stryfe, Dart and Rose struck down Feyrbrand with a powerful strike, Greham would bring it back to it’s feet in a matter of seconds.

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 54

Once again, this is where overlapping gameplay and fiction creates a jarring, illogical situation. If it’s that easy to bring a dragon back to life after you killed it, then the dragon war would have been over very quickly. Not to mention the siege on Basil.

While Lavitz and Shana kept Feyrbrand distracted, Stryfe, Dart and Rose focused their attacks on Greham, clashing blade to lance with him and countering his magic attacks with theirs.

*SLAM*

Carbon Copy Syndrome: 55

These are literally the worst action scenes I’ve had to deal with. They’re so bad I don’t even know how to properly mock them. It’s so self evident that they’re horrible that I can’t even fathom how the author could have looked at this and thought, ‘Yeah, I’m okay with other people reading this and associating it with my writing.’

However, Dart began to notice that Shana was beginning to lose stamina earlier than she normally would, so he broke off from Stryfe and Rose to help protect her from Feyrbrand while Lavitz came to their side.

“This is why having her here is a bad idea. It has nothing to do with her being a woman and everything with her and Dart creating a conflict of interest within the group. Even if they only have a relationship at the level of being siblings, that’s enough to merit them being split up into different units.”

Kinda harsh there.

“Harsh gets the job done with fewer casualties.”

As Greham prepared another wind based magic attack, Stryfe charged at him. When Greham tried to counterattack by launching the magic at him, Stryfe dove underneath Greham, knocking Greham’s spear out of his hand with his zwiehander and unleashing his Gravity based magic at close range, sending him flying into the wall.

“Woof.”

I agree, woof. So, let’s break it down. First, Graham prepares to use a magic attack, but, because Skimpy is charging, he instead uses a magic attack. Did you even read what you wrote, author?

“Next up, Zweihänder is still spelled wrong. Third, it doesn’t describe how Spanky avoided, deflected, absorbed, whatever the magic attack. It doesn’t even describe Spotty’s attack interrupting the casting, which it shouldn’t have because the prose itself says that Graham had his magic already prepared by the time Sponge did anything.”

Fourth, a gravity attack would tend to suck things in, no deflect them away, so his magic is acting counterintuitive to what it should be. Finally-

*SLAM*

Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 23

Stop showboating, jackass.

Seeing his chance, Lavitz jumped at Greham and stabbed him in an opening in his armor with his spear, causing him to fall to the ground.

“Woof, that’s some wild pronoun abuse right there.”

Without Greham to reign it in, Feyrbrand went feral.

Author, feral doesn’t mean what you think it means. It IS a synonym for wild, but not for the meaning of wild which means to be out of control, but the one that means to have reverted to a wild state following domestication.

“I’m thinking about scaling the rule back to words with two or more syllables.”

It’s attacks became wild and unpredictable, making it even more deadly than before.

Probably no more deadly, just more dangerous to deal with because it no longer cares if it gets injured.

With Rose’s help, Stryfe and Dart both made the final charge at the Dragon, cutting off it’s legs with fast and powerful strikes

Harsh.

“Harsh gets the job done with fewer casualties.”

So you said.

before both of them stabbed the Dragon head on in it’s head.

*ALARM BLARES*

*Swenia saunters to the door and flashes a smile into the hallway*

-[A panicked retreat later]-

You’re really working on making them regret the ruling, aren’t you?

“It’s my duty as a jerk.”

As Stryfe saw the wound inflicted by his zwiehander and Dart’s broadsword begin to bleed profusely, they pulled out their blades as Feyrbrand let out a death cry before collapsing to the ground, an immense amount of blood gushing from the numbs were it’s legs used to be and in the wounds where Stryfe and Dart hit.

“Holy fuck, that’s one sentence!”

And with that, we now have to change the rule yet again.  Author, before using any word one syllable or more, please look it up first.  You are very not good at vocabulary.

Stryfe let out a sigh of relief as he silently glanced at the body of the Dragon that once nearly killed him and his best friend.

Had they realized it would be this much of a cake walk, they probably wouldn’t have bothered running.

“It’s funny that the first few times they killed it there was barely a footnote, but the final time there was a gruesome description.  It’s almost as if those first deaths didn’t make any fucking sense.”

I did mention it at the time.

Just as Stryfe, Dart and Rose reverted back to normal, they noticed a critically wounded Greham coming out of the shadows, still barely breathing.

Must not be too injured if he can manage a dramatic reveal from the shadows.

As Lavitz caught him as he was about to fall to the floor, he looked up at the son of his best friend with regret in his eyes.

“The hell?  Who is Lavitz looking up at regretfully?”

Well, Lavitz’s best friend is King Albert, so apparently prince of Basil just showed up.  Or something.”

“Does Albert even have a son?”

Not that I know, but maybe that was changed for the fic.

Greham: You have…Servi’s strength. My efforts…were to no avail. I even used betrayal…to obtain this power…

“Oh, God, he’s Shatnering.”

Strap in, people.

Lavitz: I still don’t understand…Why did you betray my father? You weren’t like this before.

Sometimes evil is its own end, Lavitz.  Just ask Wesker.

Greham: Nobody could be…stronger than your father…That was the only thing…I could never conquer…I had…admiration for him, as a friend…and as a friend…But time goes by and it turned…into this feeling…This fear…from realizing the limits…of your ability…This fear…that goes nowhere. The only thing…you can do against it…is curse yourself for weakness…

“Taco! There’s… something… on the wing! Some… thing!”

Lavitz shook his head in disbelief.

Lavitz: But you couldn’t overcome your “fear” by defecting to Doel. You needed to overcome my father!

I mean, he kinda did, right?  I mean, that’s what the whole murder thing was about.  Doel helped set it up, so there was a price.

Greham: There was…an alternative…If only…I could obtain…a new power…I could be equal to…or surpass him…That was…the Dragoon Spirit…I obtained…from His Majesty Doel…Lavitz…Live…Strong…Now…I can go…to be with my…good old friend…

“My… God… it’s getting………. worse!”

Classic.

As Greham reached into the air, as if he was reaching out to someone unseen, his eyes suddenly turned gray and his arm went numb.

“Da wah?  He’s dying AND his arm just fell asleep?  Rough luck.”

Well, if his heart stopped beating, it kinda tracks that most of his body would go numb, arm included.

The Dragoon Spirit then engulfed his body in a bright green light. After the light faded, it left Greham’s body and floated slowly into the air.

That’s an awesome trick.  I bet he’s always getting invited to parties.

Rose: He’s lucky to be dead now. Greed for power eventually conquers you. Unleashed power generates only sorrow. He should’ve known that.

“Rose, he was kinda fully conquered already.  He betrayed his country and murdered his best friend, there’s no ‘eventually’ about that situation.”

Stryfe: So…he was lucky to die now…thus avoiding more sorrow.

Rose: Yes…

What else was there to be sorry about beyond this point?  I get the message you’re trying to send, but the dude attacked a defenseless village and then slaughtered guards at a fort.  He was well beyond his own capacity for sorrow at that point.  Killing him spared others, you don’t need a more altruistic message than that.

Stryfe: Hmm? Hey, look.

Stryfe pointed to the Dragoon Spirit, which was slowly floating downward towards Lavitz. As it stopped right at Lavitz’s head level, it began to faintly glow a jade green light. Lavitz was puzzled by what the mythical orb was doing, but Stryfe, Dart and Rose knew immediately what this meant.

“Once again, author, if something is staring you right in the face, it’s not mythical.”

Put the thesaurus down and step away before we call TPS on you.

Lavitz: Wha…what is this!?

“That’d be a tentacle orb.  Let it sniff yer hand, it’s real friendly like.”

Rose: Such a coincidence…! It can’t be…or is this fate!?

Stryfe: Lavitz…you too must be…

Dart: You must be a Dragoon too!

Rose: Yes, the Dragoon Spirit of the Jade Dragon has recognized you as it’s next master.

Glad we’re finally all on the same page here.

Lavitz: I’m…a Dragoon? I deserve to rule Dragons?

“We’ve covered this before.  You’re fated to rule dragons.  Only time will tell if you truly deserve that power.”

With great power comes great need to prove you deserve it.

Rose: Not only do you “deserve”, but you have an obligation to accept your fate as a Dragoon, don’t you?

“Close enough.”

Yeah, she’s been the closest to call that one correctly out of anyone.

Stryfe silently watched as Lavitz slowly took the Jade Dragoon Spirit into his hand and watched it faintly glow while he gripped it tightly.

Settle down, people!  No need to have a death grip on every damn thing you pick up!

Lavitz: It’s what Greham left for me…

Stryfe: His regrets at death…now they won’t be in vain.

Uh, regrets are usually in vain.  It’s feelings of remorse over things you’ve already done but cannot go back and change.  How much more vain do you want something to be, Stumpy?

Lavitz: Yes! I accept it! The fate of a Dragoon is now my own! I will use this power for justice! Like Stryfe, Dart and Rose!

Stryfe: Yeah!

Dart: Exactly!

Shana: Good for you, Lavitz.

Well done, ol’ chap!

“Quelle merde!”

Really?

“It’s a celebratory exclamation.”

Riiiiight.

As everyone all shared a moment of relief, it was quickly cut short as Shana began to collapse suddenly.

“How do you begin to collapse suddenly?  Is that like suddenly preparing to construct a building?”

Dart: Shana!?

Stryfe: You alright!?

Perfectly fine.  She always does this.

“Actually, she does have a history of collapsing.”

… Huh, actually, that is true.

Shana: I…can’t…breathe…

Dart: Too much poison!?

Stryfe: She must’ve inhaled too much of it!

Thank you, Private Obvious!

Lavitz: We cannot make it over to Villude carrying Shana! We must go to Lohan!

Stryfe: The commercial town!?

Dude, CITY.  It’s a commercial CITY.  The place is pretty big.

Dart: Why there, Lavitz!?

Lavitz: I heard the best doctor in all of Endiness lives there!

Which makes sense, given that the place is loaded with rich folk.

Dart: But how do we get out of here!?

“Did he forget the part where 4 out of 5 of them can sprout magical flying armor?”

Probably, Dart isn’t very bright.  Even canonically he’s kind of slow on the uptake.

As Dart lifted Shana and held her in his arms, Stryfe looked around and noticed that there were some of the silk strains left behind from Feyrbrand on the wall. Looking up, Stryfe saw the opening where Feyrbrand entered earlier, and it was big enough for everyone to go through.

Apparently everyone has forgotten.

“Well, within the context of the fic, nobody here is very bright.”

True.

Stryfe: We can climb from there! Come on, hurry!

Which is super easy to do when one of you is debilitated to the point of collapse.

“Yeah, way better than flying.”

Climbing carefully up the webs, Stryfe, Dart, Rose and Lavitz managed to get back up to the forest via the hole and headed back west across the pathway they came through.

“Did they just leave her behind!?”

Looks kinda like it.  Didn’t see her in the roll-call.

“I’m strangely ambivalent here.  On the one hand that’s a total dick move of them.  On the other, Shana is finally free of their incompetence!”

As they left the forest behind, Lavitz guided the group in the direction of Lohan while Stryfe helped Dart keep Shana consious.

Technically only really necessary when she’s had a head injury, but whatever.  And finally the last-

*Swenia pounces on Taco and starts bolt-taping him to the floor*

“This is for your own good, buddy.”

Running as fast as his legs could carry them, Stryfe began to feel his heart race as he spotted Lohan in the distance…

MMMMMFFF!  *Taco thrashes*

“See, nice and safe.  Until next week, patrons!”

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42 Comments on “1072: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Fourteen”

  1. GhostCat says:

    And by “poison” he means…?

    “Flatus.”

    Right.

    Suddenly I’m reminded of the Samurai Jack episode that he spent walking around inside a farting dragon.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    an overgrown root in the shape of a tree

    Isn’t this just otherwise known as an overgrown tree?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lavitz jumped at Greham and stabbed him in an opening in his armor with his spear,

    Lavitz slowly took the Jade Dragoon Spirit into his hand and watched it faintly glow while he gripped it tightly.

    It then began to glow a bright emerald green in his hand as he clenched it tightly.

    UHM.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Yeah, I noticed that too. Pretty horrible way to decide what constitutes a chapter.

    Not that it gets any better across most of the fics here.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    A chill ran down Stryfe’s spine as he glanced at it, and sweat began moving down Dart’s forehead.

    Him in about three seconds:

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    They probably have more sense then to hang out in the forest of eternal farting.

    They’re probably chilling with the Knights Who Say Ni.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Lavitz: I guess it must be hard for a woman.

    *headdesk*

    Oh goddammit, again!?

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As Shana ran up the northern path,

    And this is why basing it off an in-game area is a bad idea. ‘Cause I have NO idea where the hell that goes!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    because the Kaisers cannot make a move.

    Well duh! Kaiser Wilhelm has been dead for over a century!

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Then, they came across a large hole that was covered by what appeared to be a thick spider web.

    Wait, since when did they get into the Great Deku Tree?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Everyone screams filled Stryfe’s eardrums including his own as they fell deeper and deeper into the hole.

    What the fuck kind of unholy abomination is this sentence!?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Oh, I see, the plot sucked them down there. That’s why they decided to stand on the web.”

    Oh fuck, don’t tell me this happened in the game, too!

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Oof, that isn’t going to end well for him at all.”

    Not unless plot convenience happens! And let’s face it, it totally will.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    These are literally the worst action scenes I’ve had to deal with. They’re so bad I don’t even know how to properly mock them. It’s so self evident that they’re horrible that I can’t even fathom how the author could have looked at this and thought, ‘Yeah, I’m okay with other people reading this and associating it with my writing.’

    Probably because Rule of Cool is overpowering and stuff.

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Author, before using any word one syllable or more, please look it up first. You are very not good at vocabulary.

    I feel like I should get my friend NeroBrony involved and stuff.

  16. neji7hyuga says:

    *comes out of the shadows*

    Hi. I know things weren’t…smooth at first but all water under the bridge. After all, one can make friends of those they fought with, don’t know who made the quote though…

    While I may not agree with everything on the site, there’s some fanfics, like those that trivialize rape, that are on here I can’t defend at all.

    As one could see from my profile image and name, I’m a Naruto fan, and a huge fan of Neji Hyūga.

    While I may not contribute to any snarkings, I will comment from time to time. Such as to express what I think about the story that got snark’d or suchlike.

    I may give fanfic rec links from time to time, even more so if it contains something that’s trivialized that makes me angry.

    I have a fanfic rec for those who can handle it. It’s a dangerous S-rank mission. The reason? It was a fanfic that involved rape, of a minor no less! And has Kidomaru doing…that…to my favorite character Neji Hyūga. I got angry, and reported it a long time ago, yet nothing happened. I couldn’t read it, too terrible. My eyes…

    Here it is-

    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4675264/1/Playtime

    If anyone has any questions about the plot or characters, feel free to ask. I don’t know everything about Naruto, but I know most of Part 1 at the very least. Part 2 has a few areas I am not as familiar with.

    • TacoMagic says:

      *Reads the fic*

      If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the closet of weeping, injecting boiling bleach directly into my eyes.

      • neji7hyuga says:

        It’s indeed horrifying…

        It’s just a Tsukuyomi nightmare…its just a Tsukuyomi nightmare… *hugs Tsunade*

        For those not in the know, Tsukuyomi is a really nasty genjutsu in Naruto. Basically, a skilled Mangekyō Sharingan user could trap someone in it. And time, space, and mass are under the user’s control. The victim? Completely at the mercy of the user. One could make someone endure a hundred years of suffering, and only a few seconds or minutes will past in reality. Itachi made Kakashi endure 72 hours of suffering, using a sword. And he counted…by the second every three days!

      • GhostCat says:

        :click!:

        …Pass the syringe.

      • "Lyle" says:

        The brain-bleach jacuzzi is warming up as we speak. Dear sweet backflipping Jesus, that story is horrible.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        *reads story*

        Cannonball!

        SPLASH!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *reads*

      Yep. Yep, that’s rape. Not even going to touch on how it’s all “IT’S NOT RAPE IF HE ENJOYED IT!” in-fic, that excuse is bullshit for a great number of reasons.

      And to boot, it’s in script format. That never bodes well…

      • neji7hyuga says:

        I knew it was. And indeed, that excuse of “It’s not rape if he enjoyed it.” is so BS.

        That’s likely true. There might be good script format stories but I imagine they are very, very rare.

  17. "Lyle" says:

    Lavitz will knock you down!

    I see what you did there. *polite clap* Well played.

  18. Tie Dye Mage says:

    It’s like the author finds it necessary to keep typing out the names so that he doesn’t forget them or something.

    The primary readers of this fic are probably goldfish.


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