1070: Shinobi and Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Five, Part TwoPosted: June 8, 2015
Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by Lyle
Hello, everyone! I know I said I wouldn’t be picking this piece of crap back up but Netflix has put the entire Naruto series back on their Watch Now list and I’ve introduced Mr. Lyle to it. Since we’re watching our way through the series, and I’m reading my way through the archives (I’m on Entry 343!), I’ve decided to go ahead and knock the rest of this out. We were halfway done with it when I stopped before, anyway. If you’d like to read them yourself, you can start here.
Before we recap, I’d like to bring in a special guest to help me with this. I don’t do this very often but sometimes it gets lonely in my Library office. So, without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to Koori Umino.
*a young woman sits down next to Lyle. She has long brown hair streaked with white strands, and light brown eyes. She is dressed in standard issue shinobi gear from Konoha and has her Leaf hitai’ate across her forehead in the standard position.*
Koori is one of my OCs, hailing from my KakaIru fanfiction. She is a distant cousin (2nd or 3rd, removed a time or two?) to Iruka Umino and she is a chunin of the Leaf Village, Konoha. To prevent confusion, Koori and I have agreed to keep things to the western tradition of introductions and name usage.
Koori: Hi! *waves* Lyle-sa- Miss Lyle has filled me in on what I’m supposed to do here. I have no idea what a Harry Potter is, but I hope to be able to help.
Great! Now that we’re settled, let’s recap what happened many, many moons ago when we last visited Ryu’s steaming pile of fail. Harry Potter, who is being played by girl named Jade, grew up as a ninja in Konoha due to her mother sending her into another dimension to protect her from Voldemort. She grew up with Naruto and an author-insert named Ryu. Ryu and Jade can’t keep their hands off each other, they have a jonin sensei named Eight Fruit Tree, and they’ve traveled back into Harry Potter Land in order to learn to be wizards, because apparently wizards and shinobi are interchangeable. They’ve been shoved into the second year of Hogwarts, even though they have no prior wizarding experience. Last we saw them, Jade was pretending to learn how to transfigure beetles since she can’t be bothered to actually learn to do it.
Koori: Let’s do this! Yosh!
You like to hang out with Gai-sensei, don’t you?
Koori: I find his enthusiasm for calisthenics refreshing.
Hermione had remained silent for the duration of the class and lunch as she looked at the shinobi with a mixture of pity, fear and curiosity, finally Jade couldn’t take it anymore and snapped “What you going to tell us how we should live our lives again?” She asked sharply making Hermione flinch back “You act like you know everything there is to know when you don’t, our home is a dangerous place, safe, but still dangerous, that is why there are shinobi like us, we make sure people can sleep safely at night without worrying about the things that go ‘bump’ in the night.” Jade took a breath as Ryu gently placed a hand on her shoulder calming herself “I chose to become a shinobi because I don’t want to be helpless as my friends are hurt, ever again.” With that she hurriedly stood up from the table and rushed off with Ryu close behind gathering both of their bags as he left.
Koori: *opens her mouth, snaps it shut. Opens it again* I’m sorry, Miss Lyle, but who is this kunoichi? I’ve not met her before. I’m sure I would have remembered an asshat like this.
That’s Jade, the gender-bent version of Harry Potter.
Koori: I would not want her on my team if this is how she reacts to silent observation by a civilian. Rude and entirely unprofessional. She obviously didn’t pay attention in the academy if she can’t even remember Shinobi Rule 25. *whips out a shinobi rule book from her hip pouch* “No mater the situation, a shinobi must keep their emotions on the inside.” *puts the book away* Being so overly emotional like this faker will get her cell killed on a mission!
Oh, I agree. Jade is one of my least favorite characters in anything I’ve riffed. She’s entirely unpleasant and has absolutely no idea what being a shinobi means.
Koori: Plus she’s really missed the mark on Konoha. We’re there to serve our Hokage and make money. I mean, yes, we will defend our village if it is attacked, but my top priority is to the Hokage. And my pocketbook.
Koori: We lost our house when Pain attacked, just like everyone else. I’d like to rebuild it and that takes money.
True. Just remember, Jade is written by an author who obviously has no idea what he’s talking about. Try not to take it personally.
Koori: *sniffs in disdain*
Anyway, after Jade storms out, Naruto explains that they were not well-off growing up and implies that he’s a “social pariah.” Then it cuts to:
Because I’m sure there is no other way to show a change in the scenery than with a scene tag.
Jade fought back the tears that threatened to spill as she stood through the hallways blindly not certain where she was going and ended up in the school Owlery where she finally allowed a sob through, she stiffened slightly when she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her but relaxed when she heard Ryu whisper into her ear “It’s alright Jade-chan,” he whispered soothingly as she sobbed into his chest “Where safe, Naruto is alive, there is no-one here that would hurt us, no one will hut any of us again.”
Koori: You’re shinobi. You’re going to get hurt on missions. Who the hell is this guy? *Points at Ryu*
He’s the author-insertion.
Koori: They disgrace the name of our village. Why the hell is she crying? She’s not hurt, no one else got hurt. All she did was make some while assumptions of this Hermione girl’s inner thoughts, threw a tantrum, then ran into a room filled with birds.
I have no idea why she’s crying. It never shows anything in the previous chapters that would indicate that Jade has any memory of her “Trajik” past. The real Harry gets a little angsty around Book 5 when he hits puberty like goose through an airplane motor but he’s not nearly this bad.
Koori: *nods slowly then frowns* Miss Lyle, what’s an “airplane?”
*opens her mouth then snaps it shut*
Actually, Koori, you’ve brought up a very good point that I haven’t really touched on yet. Now that Team Stu is in Harry Potter Land, it never showed their reactions to any of the modern technologies they would have run into while there that don’t exist in Shinobi Land. Namely, automobiles and airplanes. Trains exist, but cars and planes do not.
Koori: What’s an “airplane” and what’s a “car?”
Well, you see…
*launches into explanation and starts Googling for pictures, then launches into an explanation of the internet*
…and that’s the legend of Leroy Jenkins.
Koori: *staring in rapt attention at the YouTube video*
Now we should really get back to the riff.
Koori: Uh huh. *clicks on a link on how to catch a kangaroo* Sure.
So, anyway, we get some background of Trajik past after that blurb where it mentions that villagers would physically attack a five-year-old Naruto and Ryu, and how they tried to rape Jade. It’s never said how old Jade is when that happened but our author says ANBU had to step in and stop it-
Koori: *without looking away from a video of cats falling off counter tops* I call shenanigans on all of that! ANBU don’t work as street patrol. They’re black-ops agents. And I live with Naruto. He’s told me about his childhood. The worst it got was a social cold-shoulder. It sucked, but I can relate being a teme – a bastard child – in a well respected Mist clan. *clicks a link* Oooh, they’re making crayons!
Maybe you should lay off the YouTube…
Koori: Nonsense. I’m a kunoichi with an auditory kekkei genkai. I can multitask like a pro. Keep going; I’m paying attention.
Jade sobbed again “I know Ryu-kun,” she whispered her voice cracking “I know, it’s just I can’t but remember that night, I was so scared, I felt so helpless.”
Sounds like she can remember it just fine.
Koori: Give her to the Yamanakas. She’ll remember in no time. *clicks the mouse*
Ryu looked down at her sadly as he placed his hand under her chin and pushed it up to meet his eyes “You are no longer helpless Jade-chan,” he reassured “You’re the top kunoichi of our class, you genjutsu is amazing and aside from Naruto you’re the only one who can match me in taijutsu, not even Uchiha-teme could claim that,” he brushed back a stray stand of hair behind her ear “You are courageous, smart, headstrong, stubborn and very compassionate, I could think of no one else I would rather have by my side, added only by the fact that I am so madly in love with you.”
Koori: *glances over at Lyle* How old are these shinobi, again?
Koori: *frowns* Ew. And don’t they know that having an intimate relationship with a cell-mate is a bad idea? It can lead to all sorts of issues, including compromising the mission. These children need to go back to the Academy. Papa Iru will sort them out in no time.
Jade smiled hesitantly at his small speech “Thank you Ryu-kun,” she whispered quietly “I love you too, if it weren’t for you I have no idea where I would be.”
Koori: On a real mission and not making oogly eyes at your team mate.
Ryu smiled softly “You would be who you are,” he affirmed “Jade Potter, nothing more, nothing less. Don’t you dare believe otherwise Jade-chan.”
Koori: If this gets any more sugar-sweet I’m going to puke.
So much of this stupid fic is like this. Have a HurfCo fic-sickness bag.
Let’s breeze over the next part since I don’t want you to be subjected to tweens making out. They kiss in the middle of the Owlery, most likely covered in owl crap, confess their love for each other some more, and then Ryu says they should go to class so they’re not late. Jade says she doesn’t want to get a bad reputation on her first week. I think her little scene in the Great Hall has already ruined that goal.
Ryu chuckled lightly as he kissed her again before she reluctantly slipped from his grasp and accepted her bag that Ryu picked up from her. After asking a pair of helpful Ravenclaws for directions the pair made their way to the DADA classroom where Naruto, Ron and Hermione were already waiting for class. The pair had just taken their seats when Lockhart flounced into the room making all the girls do a mixture of either straightening in their seats or sigh dreamily as they stared at him, Hermione somehow managed a mixture of this.
Actually, that’s accurate. I’m guessing we’re about to be subjected to a bastardization of the pixie scene from the second Harry Potter book where Team Stu kills all the pixies using jutsu instead of using their spells like good little wizarding students.
Smiling he looked eagerly around the room and picked up Neville’s copy of Travels With Trolls “Me,” he announced cheerily “Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award — but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!”
Plot regurgitation, almost word-for-word. *shakes head* Seriously?
Koori: Plot regurgitation? Does the fic need a HurfCo bag? I can order more on this machine. *jabs the computer monitor with her finger*
Don’t touch it! It’s a touch-screen-
*computer makes a dinging noise. Lyle leans over and reads the screen*
“Thank you for your order of 1000 pounds of guacamole. Estimated delivery date: June 15th.” Koori, why were you looking at the ordering screen for guacamole? And how did you order something without a credit card?
Koori: I clicked on a dancing avocado. It asked if I wanted to “paypal” for it and it worked.
*headdesk* I must have left the Library’s Paypal account signed in. How in the world am I going to explain this to the others? I guess we’re having Mexican food for the entirety of the second half of June.
Koori: Just tell them a ninja did it.
Actually, given an average day in the Library, they’d believe it.
Anyway, Lockhart springs a pop quiz on them on their first day, which is canon. It’s a test entirely about his ego. Jade sneers at the test, which is about the most redeeming thing she’s ever done. She questions how any of this test has anything to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts. Lockhart fails to answer the question in the three seconds Jade gives him to answer. The shinobi then stand up and leave the class, telling him that they refuse to attend until he actually teaches them the subject matter. I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, the ninja-kids have a point. This test is pointless and has nothing to do with the subject matter. On the other hand, leaving a classroom like that is incredibly rude and against the school rules. Koori, any thoughts?
Koori: I found a site where I can order 1000 pounds of tortilla chips. Should I do it so we have something to dip in the guacamole?
What? No! You’re supposed to be helping me riff this thing!
Koori: *click* Too late. They’ll arrive the day before the guacamole.
Gryffindor Common Room
I really wish there was some way to indicate a scene change without having to use that. Too bad there’s no possible way to indicate where they are using the prose.
Not having much else to do till their next class the trio decided to go to the common room and wait till the next class began, Jade was reading a book that had caught her interest at Flourish and Blotts titled A Compendium of Common Curses and Their Counter-Actions, while Ryu was working on the theory for his new seal and Naruto continued with his chakra control practice, the idea he had for Hachi’s assignment required him to have high degrees of control, something he did not have. Their work however was cut off when McGonagall stormed into the room “Why on earth did the three of you leave class like that!” She raged startling the three shinobi “I know you three are not shinobi but still you have agreed to come to this school and as such the three of you must follow the rules of this school!”
Uhm, Minerva… they are shinobi-
Koori: I beg to differ.
As far as this fic is concerned, they’re shinobi. That aside, at least McGonagall is upholding the rules. Does this mean we’re going to get a respectful response from Team Stu? Doubtful.
“McGonagall-sensei,” Ryu began calmly, as his family was a, albeit minor, clan he had received diplomatic lessons resulting in him being the groups rep “We left the class because honestly he would not be able to teach us anything, this was a test he had us do today to ‘see how much we know’, tell me, does any of this have to do with defense?”
Koori: Clan? I don’t recall any clan with a member named Ryu.
He’s an author insert. His clan isn’t canon. Did you not read the briefing I sent you when I invited you along?
Koori: I may have skimmed it.
Some ninja you are.
Koori: Hey, in my defense this isn’t a mission so I don’t really need to be prepared for it. Unless you’re planning on paying me for my time?
Are you shitting me? You just spent the Library’s entire June grocery budget on guacamole. You are not getting paid for this.
Moving along, Ryu was a year old when he was orphaned. Who taught him diplomacy if his clan was essentially dead?
The Professor took the test and looked through it her eyebrows furrowing deeper as she read it “What in the bloody hell is this rubbish?” She asked incredulously “There all about Lockhart! Nothing to do with the course curriculum!” She looked over at the three genin “I can understand your reasons for leaving the class now, but why did you not come to speak to myself or Dumbledore about this?”
They weren’t aware of your open door policy?
Ryu sighed “Honestly, we thought you were aware,” he admitted a slight amount of guilt in his voice “I apologize for doubting you like that sensei.”
Koori: Assumptions kill shinobi. Do these children know nothing?
And they’ll continue to know nothing as McGonagall gives them DADA off until she and Dumbledore can sort this issue out. Mind, she’s not canceling the class in general. Everyone else still has to go. Team Stu just gets a free pass because [reasons.] Naruto tries to make a witty quip that falls shorter than a T-Rex’s arms. No offense meant to Gumdrop, of course.
Koori: You have a dinosaur?
Multiple. You really should have read the briefing.
McGonagall’s lips twitched in a rare smile at the blond words before she swept out of the room leaving the shinobi to continue with their previous work. When the bell rung for the end of the class the three gathered their things and began heading to their last class, Potions.
Potions class is next. This is going to go horribly out of character. I’m guessing that Jade is going to lip off to Snape, he’s going to retaliate, and then Ryu will chime in. And then they’ll be given potions class off for the rest of forever, too. Naruto, who is being almost entirely ignored, will just follow along like a little puppy.
Koori: Buttresses. Vaulted ceilings. Backyard koi pond.
The trio rejoined with their year mates nearly all the males looked at them in awe while the majority sent them scathing looks “Don’t mind them,” Ron commented as the drew level with him “Their just prissy because you stood up to Lockhart, so how bad is the detention?”
I think we are a word there. The way this reads, all the boys are staring and sending them scathing looks. That aside, Ron’s question is valid. You’d assume they’d get detention for being such insufferable dung balls.
“We don’t have one,” Jade answered as they descended into the dungeons “It just so happens that after seeing the test that Lockhart-teme handed out she agreed we best be off learning on our own for that period, chances are when Hachi-sensei arrives he’ll use that time to train us.”
So instead of investigating the incompetent teacher and finding a suitable replacement for all the study body, McGonagall and Dumbledore are just going to excuse Team Stu from that particular class? Nevermind that the whole idea of bringing Jade into this dimension was to teach her how to defeat a dark wizard, which is kind of what DADA is about.
“Teme?” Hermione asked looking at them for an explanation, she was uncertain on whether or not she should hate them for dispelling the Illusion on Lockhart’s grandioseness or thank them for exposing his inept teaching.
“Bastard,” all three translated as they entered the classroom and took seats behind Hermione, Ron and Seamus “Only a very few earn the honor of being called that by us.” Naruto explained proudly grinning.
Koori: *winces* As a legitimate teme, I really hate it when people use it so flippantly.
*pats Koori’s hand* Just remember that you’re a chunin and they’re idiots.
Any response they would have had was cut off as Snape entered the classroom as his clock billowed ominously, Neville gulped nervously from his position behind the shinobi “I see the majority of you have returned unharmed,” he said “How… fortunate,” he almost spat the word as if it was poison “And I see that our three guests have deigned to join us this afternoon.”
“Cloak” is the word you’re looking for, DKR, but I’ll give you a cookie for using “deigned” properly. Never mind that Snape doesn’t wear a cloak; he wears a large, black billowing wizard’s robe.
“And already I like you better than Lockhart.” Jade announced honestly surprising Snape “Feeling that pure hatred rolling off of you is doing wonders for my danger sense.”
Koori: Oh, is she empathic now?
More like pathetic.
Snape wasn’t sure how to respond to this as he blinked before settling on a sneer that Jade countered with a grin while Ryu and Naruto where just barely holding in their laughter “This afternoon I will be testing you on how much knowledge you have retained over the course of the summer,” Snape announced as he flicked his wand and a series of instructions appeared on the board “You will be brewing a Boil-Cure Potion, the ingredients are in the cupboard,” he flicked his wand and the cupboard opened “And you may begin, will the guests come to the front please.” The three genin stood before him as he eyed them speculatively “How much, if any, knowledge do you have on Potion making?” He asked speculatively eyeing them.
A fair question. And Ryu didn’t pluralize genin! Finally!
Koori: Yosh! *fistpumps*
So then Jade explains that they essentially know basic potions and antidotes similar to alchemy. I’m not going to harp on this since it is possible that they learned some basic poisons. It’s never really mentioned that poisons and antidotes is something taught in the academy. *glances at Koori*
Koori: *shrugs* I was home-schooled. It isn’t out of the realm of possibility that they took an interest in it and studied on their own. We have a rather good shinobi library at the academy.
Anyway, Snape is somewhat relieved that they aren’t complete idiots, even though he’s never tested their abilities and just takes them at their word. He also calls Lockhart an idiot, to which Jade responds that “calling him an idiot is an insult to idiots.” Lockhart is a moron, so I can’t say I really disagree with Jade’s sentiment. They gather their ingredients and class progresses normally, including Neville making an utter mockery of himself by melting his cauldron. All very canon. Let’s move along.
In the Great Hall, Fred and George are beside themselves with how the Team Stu treated Lockhart and want it confirmed.
“Got that right,” Naruto confirmed proudly “Hell I bet I could teach that class better than him, and I don’t know the first thing about it!”
The twins roared in laughter as they sat down for dinner with the group and swapped stories about their first days “Oh also Qudditch tryouts are tomorrow,” George commented.
Naruto probably could teach it better than Lockhart, but his saying so isn’t that funny, guys. Calm down.
Koori: What is “Qudditch?”
A misspelling of Quidditch.
Koori: Okay, what’s “Quidditch,” then?
Koori: *reads for a moment from the computer screen* So how in the world would these genin know what it was and how to play it?
My only guess is that they learned while hanging out with the Weasleys before the term started.
“You and Ryu should try out Jade.” Fred finished.
Koori: Damn. Even in this world Naruto is never picked to play with the other children. Poor guy.
The twins explain who the other members of the team are and we learn that Alicia Spinette has dropped off the team because she wants to concentrate more on her studies. This isn’t canon at all. DKR was just looking for some way to put Ryu on the team to show off just how OMGSAWESOME he is.
Naruto shuddered in remembrance of learning to fly back at the Burrow “I’d rather keep my feet on the ground thank you.” He commented shuddering again.
I’m honestly surprised that DKR didn’t kick another canon character off the team so Naruto could join, too.
The rest of the chapter is Ryu and Jade looking at a broomstick magazine that the twins pull from the Formless Void. They order Nimbus 2000’s. Wooo.
Koori: The hell is that?
An author proving he can’t remember how to do an <hr> tag. After that we have some footnotes about techniques mentioned earlier in the fic.
1- Ryuu no Mai: Dance of the Dragon
2- Ryujin: Dragon Blade, Looks exactly like the one from the game Dragon Blade Chronicles
3- Aoi Ken: Blue Blade: The one Naruto uses in the new movie
Koori: *tilts head* Uhm… I’m not familiar with these techniques and I’ve known Naruto for four years.
Well, I’ve not seen whichever movie the author is referring to, so I can’t say what he’s talking about, either. I do know there there is no such technique listed on the Narutopedia. I think this might be another case of the author not bothering to look things up and is just making shit up. I could be wrong, but DKR doesn’t have that great of a track record for knowing what he’s talking about.
Anyway, folks, we’re done for the day! See you next time!
Koori: May I come back for the next chapter?
Are you going to spend more of my money?
Koori: I make no promises.
Then you’re not invited back.