1069: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter FivePosted: June 7, 2015
Cain: I’m back with agig, finally.
agig: I wish to say that I don’t approve of this course of action.
Cain: Too bad. You’re still on medical probation. Anyway, without further ado…
Chapter 5: ITS HIS LIFE!
Cain: This title feels foreboding.
PS I GOT TELLED THAT A BLOOG BOUT HAF WORLDS SAID THAT SCOT WAS MOLESTRAPIN KATTY IN HISBALLS1 SCOT IS NOT AN AMINAL MOLESTRAPER ITS THE BAG HE CARRYS HES BAT AN BASBALLS IN!
agig: Your assurances do little to allay my concerns.
PPS THIS CHAPS FROM WHEETLYS POV
Cain: Told you the title was foreboding.
I woked up in a place where he soddin bloody hell was I?
Cain: First sentence and it’s already more confusing than last chapter. This bodes well.
There was to robots one a blue ball an the other a orange line thing an Cave Jonson lookin reel mean. “Whats goin on you wankin Sod!” I britished at me with most lowd.
ERROR PI: AGIG.exe HAS STOPPED RESPONDING
Cain: Damnit. A few minutes please.
agig: Okay, I’m back.
Gave was loling all evil an said “These are Altas an P-Boy there from the future!” I o-mouthed it was bloody mad.
agig: Fuck it. *Goes to armory and returns with two counters*
Not A Verb Counter: 4
Wheatley-Speak Counter: 2
“They telled me bout the future wif robots an portal guns an things so Im goin a make some robos an you Wheatly will be my test subjekt!” He took out a wankin huge nettle an shoot me an I blacked oot. When I was sleep Cave gotted to work. First he removed my skelton eksept for my head so I was ball shaped, then turned my skin to mettle (lick how the wizards can turn led to gold in movies) an taked an eye out so I only had one bloody big one but he kept my man balls. I waked up an screemed becos I was transfarmed.
Not A Verb Counter: 8
Wheatley-Speak Counter: 3
Cain: There are so many things wrong here. If he removed your skeleton you would die.
agig: You can’t turn a the skin of a human into metal, let alone mettle.
Cain: Unless you already had an eye larger than the heads of most people, that part also makes no sense.
agig: He kept your balls? Why? And for that matter, unless you were castrated before Portal 2, they’d have to be kept in a secure compartment, and ohmygodthatisthesquikiestthingeverandIhateitforalleternity!
“Goodbye Wheetly the dude an Hello Wheatly the Robo Ball!” Cave lolled with mad an mean. Then he ponted to a time mashine. “Now yur goin to the future b****!” Atlas lolled an he an P-Boy started smokin drugs with Cabe Joneson. I got put in the time mashine an there was a big lite flash an I was gon to the future.
Not A Verb Counter: 10
Cain: The flash was low-fat? How considerate of them.
BAK TO SCOUTS POV
agig: A note saying the chapter will be from Wheatley’s POV implies it will be like that the entire chapter.
“Now class gife me yur homework.”
Mr. Sanpe grundled when I rembered that I had been out all nite on a date with Pyro an forgot to do it! “Weres yur homework Scot or shuld I say HEMEFORDINT/”
Cain: What in God’s name is a Hemefordint?!
Mr. Sanpe was a hobophobe so he didant lick hemaofdites like he thot I was one. He punched me feces an went back to desk an drank beer.
agig: What does being afraid of Hobos have to do with
Cain: Why did he punch your fecal matter? That’s just gross!
agig: So we get some dialogue where Soldier explains that Sanpe was a teacher at a British school who killed his principal but wasn’t convicted, then moved to “Portal High School”.
“By way Im havin a party at my hose an yur all invited!” It was gonna be the big bowot for the seinor graduashun (Caroline was a junor but since her mom is prinpal she throws partys for them). “Well be there Car!” She happeied an gave out some more invites.
Not A Verb Counter: 11
MEENWHILE IN FLORDA! Affer Wulfs kill my bros became goth emos and satanists who did orjies an sakrifised pepole an did all the drugs an beer.
Cain: Incestual Half-Dog Orgies? Ewww!
They was castin a dark spell to kill me for revange an jus needed a sakriface. The sakriface was a hard catch, a strongman named Sextone Hall the bros started to orjy an drink the beer an blood. Then pumped a dagger in Sexton’s heart an the blood was gone all splash splash splash! There drugs bongs STARTED TO SMOKE an a guy was there.
agig: Oh no, not a guy! Also, Not A Verb Counter: 14
He was super mussely an riped with a angry mustash. It was… DOG THE BOWNTY HUNNER!
Cain: OH GOD, THE BOWNTY HUNNER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
TO BE CONTINUED!
SEE WAS HAT IN THE RIPEOF TEEN FORTRESS 2? NO BECOS I DIDANT COPY IT YOU FALMERS!11!
agig: Still not sure what a Falmer is.
Cain: Meh. Anyway, let’s take a peak at the next chapter.
“Mom you was to yung an had even quite smokin how will I live now?”
agig: Oh boy. Here we go again.