1069: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Five

Title: Teen Fortress 2
Author:  MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video Game
Topic: Team Fortress
Genre: Drama / Family
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by agigabyte and Cain

Cain: I’m back with agig, finally.

agig: I wish to say that I don’t approve of this course of action.

Cain: Too bad. You’re still on medical probation. Anyway, without further ado…

Chapter 5: ITS HIS LIFE!

Cain: This title feels foreboding.

PS I GOT TELLED THAT A BLOOG BOUT HAF WORLDS SAID THAT SCOT WAS MOLESTRAPIN KATTY IN HISBALLS1 SCOT IS NOT AN AMINAL MOLESTRAPER ITS THE BAG HE CARRYS HES BAT AN BASBALLS IN!

agig: Your assurances do little to allay my concerns.

PPS THIS CHAPS FROM WHEETLYS POV

Cain: Told you the title was foreboding.

I woked up in a place where he soddin bloody hell was I?

Cain: First sentence and it’s already more confusing than last chapter. This bodes well.

There was to robots one a blue ball an the other a orange line thing an Cave Jonson lookin reel mean. “Whats goin on you wankin Sod!” I britished at me with most lowd.

ERROR PI: AGIG.exe HAS STOPPED RESPONDING

Cain: Damnit. A few minutes please.

agig: Okay, I’m back.

Gave was loling all evil an said “These are Altas an P-Boy there from the future!” I o-mouthed it was bloody mad.

agig: Fuck it. *Goes to armory and returns with two counters*

Not A Verb Counter: 4

Wheatley-Speak Counter: 2

“They telled me bout the future wif robots an portal guns an things so Im goin a make some robos an you Wheatly will be my test subjekt!” He took out a wankin huge nettle an shoot me an I blacked oot. When I was sleep Cave gotted to work. First he removed my skelton eksept for my head so I was ball shaped, then turned my skin to mettle (lick how the wizards can turn led to gold in movies) an taked an eye out so I only had one bloody big one but he kept my man balls. I waked up an screemed becos I was transfarmed.

Not A Verb Counter: 8

Wheatley-Speak Counter: 3

Cain: There are so many things wrong here. If he removed your skeleton you would die.

agig: You can’t turn a the skin of a human into metal, let alone mettle.

Cain: Unless you already had an eye larger than the heads of most people, that part also makes no sense.

agig: He kept your balls? Why? And for that matter, unless you were castrated before Portal 2, they’d have to be kept in a secure compartment, and ohmygodthatisthesquikiestthingeverandIhateitforalleternity!

“Goodbye Wheetly the dude an Hello Wheatly the Robo Ball!” Cave lolled with mad an mean. Then he ponted to a time mashine. “Now yur goin to the future b****!” Atlas lolled an he an P-Boy started smokin drugs with Cabe Joneson. I got put in the time mashine an there was a big lite flash an I was gon to the future.

Not A Verb Counter: 10

Cain: The flash was low-fat? How considerate of them.

BAK TO SCOUTS POV

agig: A note saying the chapter will be from Wheatley’s POV implies it will be like that the entire chapter.

“Now class gife me yur homework.”

Mr. Sanpe grundled when I rembered that I had been out all nite on a date with Pyro an forgot to do it! “Weres yur homework Scot or shuld I say HEMEFORDINT/”

Cain: What in God’s name is a Hemefordint?!

Mr. Sanpe was a hobophobe so he didant lick hemaofdites like he thot I was one. He punched me feces an went back to desk an drank beer.

agig: What does being afraid of Hobos have to do with hemaofdites hermaphrodites?

Cain: Why did he punch your fecal matter? That’s just gross!

agig: So we get some dialogue where Soldier explains that Sanpe was a teacher at a British school who killed his principal but wasn’t convicted, then moved to “Portal High School”.

Sundenly Caraline!

“By way Im havin a party at my hose an yur all invited!” It was gonna be the big bowot for the seinor graduashun (Caroline was a junor but since her mom is prinpal she throws partys for them). “Well be there Car!” She happeied an gave out some more invites.

Not A Verb Counter: 11

MEENWHILE IN FLORDA! Affer Wulfs kill my bros became goth emos and satanists who did orjies an sakrifised pepole an did all the drugs an beer.

Cain: Incestual Half-Dog Orgies? Ewww!

They was castin a dark spell to kill me for revange an jus needed a sakriface. The sakriface was a hard catch, a strongman named Sextone Hall the bros started to orjy an drink the beer an blood. Then pumped a dagger in Sexton’s heart an the blood was gone all splash splash splash! There drugs bongs STARTED TO SMOKE an a guy was there.

agig: Oh no, not a guy! Also, Not A Verb Counter: 14

He was super mussely an riped with a angry mustash. It was… DOG THE BOWNTY HUNNER!

Cain: OH GOD, THE BOWNTY HUNNER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

TO BE CONTINUED!

SEE WAS HAT IN THE RIPEOF TEEN FORTRESS 2? NO BECOS I DIDANT COPY IT YOU FALMERS!11!

agig: Still not sure what a Falmer is.

Cain: Meh. Anyway, let’s take a peak at the next chapter.

“Mom you was to yung an had even quite smokin how will I live now?”

agig: Oh boy. Here we go again.

Advertisements

17 Comments on “1069: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Five”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    “PS I GOT TELLED THAT A BLOOG BOUT HAF WORLDS SAID THAT SCOT WAS MOLESTRAPIN KATTY IN HISBALLS1 SCOT IS NOT AN AMINAL MOLESTRAPER ITS THE BAG HE CARRYS HES BAT AN BASBALLS IN!”

    …Huh?

  2. The Crowbar says:

    “agig: Still not sure what a Falmer is.”

    Ooh, I know, I know!

    They’re descendants of snow elves who got enslaved by dwarves, forced to live underground, eventually lost their sight, turned really fucking ugly by the underground life and now want revenge on literally everything that lives above them!

    …Not sure what they have anything to do with this, though…

  3. The Crowbar says:

    “BAK TO SCOUTS POV”

    Oh, good. Anyone wanna blindfold Ghostie until this is over?

    • GhostCat says:

      :picks up keg of ryncol:

      I think I’ll just ride this one out in the Crying Closet.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Have fun in the closet!

        …That sounds so wrong.

      • agigabyte says:

        Cain: Damn. You must be able to hold your booze if you plan on drinking Ryncol.

        Goddess: I hope she gets extremely drunk so that I can record her reaction when I mention the MonoCat pairing.

        Cain: Sweet Mother of Snipers, where the hell did you come from?!

        Goddess: SDQF. We’ve been working on reverse-engineering some of the tech we found in the black market.

  4. The Crowbar says:

    Mr. Sanpe was a hobophobe

    I don’t know why, but that made me laugh so hard…

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Then pumped a dagger in Sexton’s heart an the blood was gone

    So… the dagger was also a really powerful pump that instantly exsanguinated him.

    These sacrifices keep getting weirder and weirder.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    First he removed my skelton eksept for my head so I was ball shaped

    Marrissa, I kind of hate to tell you this, but… human heads aren’t spherical.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Cain: What in God’s name is a Hemefordint?!

    I don’t know, it sounds like some obscure part of Roman Catholic theology to me…….

  8. magisking says:

    OH GOD, MY BRAIN!
    *jumps into brain bleach vat*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s