1068: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors -Chapter Three, Part SixPosted: June 6, 2015
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Captain Weiss Baldory
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex did a thing that shouldn’t have worked but somehow did work and fuck logic.
With me this week, as always, is Sir Paulo Rori, and newcomer Baron/Guild Captain Weiss Baldory!
If any of you have been paying attention to my Facebook updates, you’ll know that I’ve been playing Etrian Odyssey 4 recently. Well, Captain Baldory is an OC from a fic about my in-game guild, Bernoryn, that I’m writing, which you can find over at Archive Of Our Own. And if any of you have been paying attention to my Facebook updates, you’ll know that my entire guild follows a particular naming scheme in which every name is a portmanteau of German words that reflect the jobs each character has. (For example, Schiverta is a female Fortress. Her name is a mash-up of Schild, or “shield”, and Verteidigen, or “defend.”)
Well, Weiss Baldory is no exception. He’s a nobleman, veteran knight, massive workaholic, and first-time guild captain, and his name is a mash-up of the word Weiss (“white,” which is a color pretty universally associated with objects, people, states of being and what have you that are indicative of high status; or “knows,” which can be interpreted as intellectual prowess), as well as the names Baldhart (“bold/strong”) and Emory (“industrious ruler”).
I don’t know where or why I decided to do that; something miniscule in the game probably convinced me. Kind of like how my being a Highlander in Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl convinced me to name my character Aódhtair.
In any event, that’s Baldory.
Baldory: You know, I had never seen fit to look up the meaning behind my name before. Evidently, I was aptly named.
Yeah, I try.
Paulo, would you like to introduce yourself?
*Paulo quietly extends a hand to Baldory, and the two share a firm and brief handshake*
Wow. How… er… formal of you.
Paulo: We have only just met, you understand. If I do not seem emotionally attached, it is because I know nothing of the man.
Fair enough, I guess.
So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m sick of this chapter, let’s jump right in and finish it for real.
As soon as the Amishi warriors had arrived, with their bows and arrows at the ready, with Kaya leading the way, they witnessed the fight between the outsider and the Demon God.
Where were you fuckers five minutes ago? I mean, shit, I want Alex to die, but y’all should’ve been out here already defending the village!
Baldory: That argument is basically what the people my family governs said when our city came under attack by the mercenaries we hired to protect us – “where was House Baldory when they were burning our homes to the ground?” You know… even though all three of my brothers and I were fighting in the thick of it with our respective units close at hand.
Oh, if I didn’t mention it, Weiss’ title is “youngest son of noble House Baldory,” because he has three older brothers (Schwartz, Benat and Drud) and an older sister (Hilda). And the knightly order he belongs to is known as the Stahl-Schild (Steel-Shield) Order, who act as the peacekeeper militia of his home city. So yeah.
Paulo: I have never been a part of any knightly orders, but I was a knight in protection of the king of my homeland.
Baldory: Ah, a fellow knight! Good, so I’m not alone here.
I’d have thought “SIR Paulo Rori” would have been a clue in that regard…
Never in their lives, did they ever perceive that one human alone could kill a Demon God with just a blade. As the giant boar began to die, the demon flesh covering it slowly started to liquefy, dropping into smoldering puddles of black.
And hey, whoa, back up. Nago’s DEAD? In the movie, it took putting out both his eyes in order to kill him, how’d Alex pull it off with a tiny-ass machete through one eye?
Baldory: I assume Nago is rather large in stature?
If I’m not wrong, he’s about the length of four or five full-grown adult humans, and as tall as perhaps half of that. That’s pretty big, considering. Also, he’s a boar.
Baldory: And a machete is usually not much longer than a foot in length… I’m not sure I believe this story’s claims.
Paulo: Welcome to our end of the matter.
Stepping away in a half conscious daze, Alex hopped off and staggered back, as he looked and watched as the worms covering his right forearm and hand turned to burning, hot muck and oozed off his arm. A small burn was left on the back of his right hand and forearm as he let it dangle on his side.
Oh hey, redundancies. Haven’t seen those in a while.
By which I mean Paulo bust an alert on me last week.
Paulo: I apologi-!
Baldory: That sounds bad. So what happens now?
Oh, the DRD show up and get horribly brutalized while trying to kill my ass. Like so!
*SC pulls out a blowpipe and shoots a dart at one of the DRD agents; after three seconds, said agent goes insane and murders all his teammates before accidentally killing himself as well*
Paulo: …Well that was needlessly violent.
By the way, one been watching Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag playthroughs.
Baldory: Assassin… Huh?
I’ll let this explain for me:
Paulo: …So, pirates?
*Baldory quietly turns back to face the computer*
As he fell back onto the grass, he glanced at the dying boar, smiled, and painfully whispered, “I got you… Porky…”
You know, it’s because of humans that Nago became a demon in the first place, mocking him for dying by human hands is NOT a good way to plead your case against getting cursed – which I know is coming up next because you stole Ashitaka’s role you bastard.
It didn’t take long for the warriors to reach both the boar and the strangely dressed young man who had killed It.
And yet it took the entire battle to muster your strength in the first place.
Baldory: Thank goodness I have my people operating in small teams. It doesn’t take me nearly as long to respond to a situation.
Yeah, I’d much rather have seen you and your guild jump in than Alex and these “Amishi” dweebs. Or, shit, just send Paulo! He’d have diced Nago into pork kebabs!
Paulo, laughing: I could feed a village for a month!
*Baldory chuckles good-naturedly*
Although I think demon pork would do bad things to their bowels…
Baldory, wincing: Let’s not talk about that.
While the rest gazed at the dying animal, a burly looking man walked over towards the fallen youth and knelt down beside him, “You still alive, lad?” he asked with a gruff looking smile.
Burly man, you say?
Yeah, okay, not what I thought I’d see when I searched “burly chap.” You okay, Uncle Google?
Baldory: Uncle Google should take my advice and lay down, it’s clearly been overworking itself.
Oh, the irony of your statement. Your story so far has you suffering a heart attack from overworking and getting pissed off on top of it.
Baldory: Hence why Uncle Google should take my advice and lay down, of course.
Well, that’s some mighty sound logic, right there.
Alex looked at the man half-dead and returned the smile,
Fuck, he’s only half-dead.
Paulo: But also only half-alive.
Good point. There might still be hope!
“It wasn’t easy,” he said weakly, “…but I got…” Suddenly, his body suddenly began to spasm violently as he fell flat on his back on the ground. His body shook violently and his eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. His mouth spread open, releasing a continuous round of gagging noises while his back arched upward.
Baldory: Oh, lovely. Now I’m having horrible flashbacks of my heart attack.
Yeah, difference is, mine is a bit better written. And with less redundancies.
Hey, Ishi! This is unbelievable! Did you hear these DRD guys dissing Kanai, just now?!
*Sounds of horrific violence are heard*
Baldory: Now the real question: was that actually Ishi, or was it Kanai?
I’m fairly certain one of them will fess up later. For now, just be happy that worked.
Suddenly, from the burns, very dark veins began to spread up to his arm and onto his neck. His hand had turned into the shade of black ooze that the creature’s skin had been, and his nails grew to razor sharp points.
This is siding an awful lot like that gross demon arm-thing Tai has.
Specs would know what I mean.
Paulo: I really must take it upon myself to meet this Specs person.
Specs, from the doorway: Some wished me here!
WE DID NOT, FUCK OFF!
“The lad’s been injured!” the kneeling warrior said as he tried to restrain Alex.
“Injured” is a pretty weak way of putting it.
Baldory: I’ve heard tell of my Medics treating binds that were more tame than whatever this is.
Baldory: From what my Medics have told me, it’s this condition where an enemy attacks you and locks up the joints in your arms or legs… or even your head, supposedly… and you are incapable of performing any actions that require the use of those specific limbs until it’s cured or you shake yourself out of it.
Paulo: Oh. How… pleasant.
He then examined the burn marks on the lad’s right forearm and hand as they began to grow rapidly, “Goyu!” he called out to a man with a thick, gray mustache, “Go fetch the Oracle!”
Don’t ask me if any of the villagers beyond Kaya, Ashitaka or the Oracle ever got named. I couldn’t really tell you that much. But I can clarify that name, “Goyu.” Apparently, it doesn’t actually exist in Japanese – the closest I could find was Gōjū-Ryū (hard-soft style), which is a very old traditional Okinawan teaching in the art of karate, and Goya, which is a shade of red better known as the color vermilion. However, I do recall mentioning back in a previous part that the Emishi people were actually of Korean descent – “Goyu”, in Korean, roughly translates to “inherence, inherency, inhesion, or unique.” So this is probably an accidental good move on the author’s part.
“Right,” the man replied, and quickly began running down towards the village.
“The boy’s not from around here,” said another warrior as he eyed Alex’s clothing contemptuously, “Look at that armor he’s wearing.”
Oh yeah. “Armor.” Because he’s totally wearing any.
Baldory: …He isn’t, is he.
“Forget about his armor, look at his skin!” someone added, “Have you ever seen anything so dark? So… foreign?”
It was nearly five minutes later that Goyu returned with the Oracle riding piggy-back.
The Oracle is a small old granny, you understand. She moves pretty slow due to her age. Hence the piggy-back thing.
In her small hand she carried a large bottle of water.
Baldory: Then how was she holding it?
“Don’t touch him,” she shouted, “All of you keep away from him, the boy’s been cursed!”
Oh boy, I totally didn’t see that coming.
Kaya followed closely behind riding atop Ah-Uh.
When she reached the group she threw herself at the ground beside Alex who was still convulsing uncontrollably.
Baldory: She’ll bang up her knees if she keeps that up.
Well, she already ate shit once while trying to run from Nago, I’m not sure she can do much worse to her knees at this point.
Now the veins had reached his face as he shut his eyes tightly. He then opened them again as he let out another gagged scream, but this time, his eyes had turned completely black, with only his irises retaining color, but instead of them being blue, they were now the unnatural color of golden yellow… just like the boar’s eyes.
I shouldn’t be revealing this so early in my riff, but Stone-Man85 has a wiki and an established fanfiction canon in the works which is equally as bad as this fic. I plan on riffing it afterwards. The golden eyes thing pertains to Alex’s sudden development of demon powers or whatever later on. I wish I was making this up.
“What happened to you?” she asked wide eyed. She then looked back at the Oracle, and pleaded, “Isn’t there anything we can do for him?”
The dwarfish, old woman pressed the bottle of water into Kaya’s hands, “Take this purified water and poor it over his burns, child. You must do it carefully.” she then took out a pair of scissors, and a golden piece of metal, “I need to gather some of the God’s flesh and blood.”
As much as I would love to call the author out on the scissors thing, they date back as far as at least 1500 B.C., which is WAY before the time period Princess Mononoke takes place in. So, it’s legit.
The young Princess followed her instructions and began to pour the water over Alex’s right forearm and hand. Smoke and sizzling noises sputtered from the burns; and even this caused the boy pain as well as his gurgled screams became roars of pain.
No shit, treating burns hurts like hell? Whodathunkit.
The Oracle ran over to the boar’s body, and quickly snipped at some of the boar’s fur, and scooped up some of the blood.
First of all, flesh and fur are two totally different things. Fur is hair. Flesh is skin. Get it right, damn it.
Second of all, NOW she suddenly knows how to run?
She returned to where Kaya and Alex were, she placed the gold metal on his right wrist. She then began to mix together the blood and fur as she began to chant in an unknown dialect. As she finished chanting, she positioned the hand that held the boards flesh and blood, and squeezed it, allowing one drop of the mixture to hit the metal piece.
What the fuck-diddly kind of shaman-ass shit am I reading, here?
Baldory: That was possibly the most amusing string of insulting words I’ve ever heard in the same sentence.
As it did, it glowed brightly as it seeped into the metal piece. After that happened, the metal began to flex and melt, becoming malleable and alive as it sprouted out tentacles of its own. They then shot into Alex’s wrist, burying themselves into the flesh. Alex screamed out in even more pain as his convulsions became more violent. Kaya and a few warriors had to hold him down as this happened. But as it did, the darkened veins started to regress back to the wound, and the wound itself began to regress as well.
Paulo: Do any of us have any real knowledge of magic?
Baldory: I know some very weak incantations, but that’s it.
I could probably pore over everything occult, hermetic, western esoteric, alchemic, shamanic and what-have-you for hours and not find a damn thing that would explain this shit.
Paulo: Then shall we gentlemen agree to simply ignore this passage?
Sure, why not.
Baldory: Doesn’t hurt my feelings any.
As the wound disappeared, the golden metal band had wrapped around Alex’s wrist, forming into a wrist chain of sorts, with the mixture of red blood crystallizing into a red gem of sorts.
In other words, magical jewelry. Terrific. I mean, I certainly don’t mind arcane accessories, but the movie this fic is set in barely even had any proper knowledge of firearms, so what reason do I have to believe that they would be able to pull this off? And I know for a fact that Ashitaka never had a wristband like that when he got cursed, he was just left to deal with it until he could find a cure.
All signs point to contrivance catalyst.
When the feeling of pain began to fade from his body, Alex’s eyes had returned to their normal color, and then he breathed a relieved sigh and fell into a silent coma.
Oh good, maybe he’ll sleep to death.
With her bare feet sinking into the soft grass,
Baldory: Why is this important?
It’s not, actually.
the Oracle slowly made her way towards the fallen boar, as it was taking labored breaths. She stopped where the grass became lifeless dirt and bowed, “Oh, Nameless God of rage and hatred, I bow before you.” She tilted forward again and clasped her hands together.
…You mean she bowed?
“We shall raise a mound where you have fallen, and perform the ceremony of passing in your honor. Pass on into the after life in peace noble lord, and bear us no hatred,” she bowed once more.
The Boar God’s blood-oozing mouth suddenly began to move, “Be silent you disgusting little creature!” he bellowed with a frightening voice of death, “Your words of sorrow and honor sicken me,”
but then he chuckled as he looked to the outsider’s unconscious form, “But it matters not; the boy may have killed me… but he will soon carry out my will. Soon that boy will share a similar fate that I had been cursed with. Soon all of your kind will feel the hatred I have felt, and shall suffer as I have suffered!”
SOON YOU SHALL ALL BE MADE TO EAT MCDONALDS!
Paulo: Having experienced that food when that Book Specs character tried to educate me of the modern world early on, I can safely cash that a fate worse than death.
Yeah, In-N’-Out is better anyhow.
As his last words faded into the air, his body began to rot away, leaving nothing but a lifeless skeleton and a pool of foul smelling blood.
Baldory: Well, now somebody has to clean that up.
Next Chapter: The Oracle’s Curse and Vison; Journey to the West
And he’s still not very good with chapter titles.
And that finally marks the end of chapter three! Thank fucking Christ! But now I have to start on chapter four, GOD DAMN IT!
Well, thems the breaks.
Thanks for reading folks, and stay tuned for the next chapter! Alex and Tai are probably going to have very similar bullshit powers before long, I’d wager. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Baron Weiss Baldory, I’ll see you next time!
…So, how do you plan on getting back to Tharsis?
Baldory: I have the guild’s skyship parked out back.
Well, be mindful of the dragon flying about.
Baldory: Why did you have to remind me that I have dragons to contend with…