1068: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors -Chapter Three, Part Six

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Captain Weiss Baldory

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex did a thing that shouldn’t have worked but somehow did work and fuck logic.

With me this week, as always, is Sir Paulo Rori, and newcomer Baron/Guild Captain Weiss Baldory!

O hai, Captain Baldory!

O hai, Captain Baldory!

If any of you have been paying attention to my Facebook updates, you’ll know that I’ve been playing Etrian Odyssey 4 recently. Well, Captain Baldory is an OC from a fic about my in-game guild, Bernoryn, that I’m writing, which you can find over at Archive Of Our Own. And if any of you have been paying attention to my Facebook updates, you’ll know that my entire guild follows a particular naming scheme in which every name is a portmanteau of German words that reflect the jobs each character has. (For example, Schiverta is a female Fortress. Her name is a mash-up of Schild, or “shield”, and Verteidigen, or “defend.”)

Well, Weiss Baldory is no exception. He’s a nobleman, veteran knight, massive workaholic, and first-time guild captain, and his name is a mash-up of the word Weiss (“white,” which is a color pretty universally associated with objects, people, states of being and what have you that are indicative of high status; or “knows,” which can be interpreted as intellectual prowess), as well as the names Baldhart (“bold/strong”) and Emory (“industrious ruler”).

I don’t know where or why I decided to do that; something miniscule in the game probably convinced me. Kind of like how my being a Highlander in Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl convinced me to name my character Aódhtair.

In any event, that’s Baldory.

Baldory: You know, I had never seen fit to look up the meaning behind my name before. Evidently, I was aptly named.

Yeah, I try.

Paulo, would you like to introduce yourself?

*Paulo quietly extends a hand to Baldory, and the two share a firm and brief handshake*

Wow. How… er… formal of you.

Paulo: We have only just met, you understand. If I do not seem emotionally attached, it is because I know nothing of the man.

Baldory: Agreed.

Fair enough, I guess.

So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m sick of this chapter, let’s jump right in and finish it for real.

As soon as the Amishi warriors had arrived, with their bows and arrows at the ready, with Kaya leading the way, they witnessed the fight between the outsider and the Demon God.

Where were you fuckers five minutes ago? I mean, shit, I want Alex to die, but y’all should’ve been out here already defending the village!

Baldory: That argument is basically what the people my family governs said when our city came under attack by the mercenaries we hired to protect us – “where was House Baldory when they were burning our homes to the ground?” You know… even though all three of my brothers and I were fighting in the thick of it with our respective units close at hand.

Oh, if I didn’t mention it, Weiss’ title is “youngest son of noble House Baldory,” because he has three older brothers (Schwartz, Benat and Drud) and an older sister (Hilda). And the knightly order he belongs to is known as the Stahl-Schild (Steel-Shield) Order, who act as the peacekeeper militia of his home city. So yeah.

Paulo: I have never been a part of any knightly orders, but I was a knight in protection of the king of my homeland.

Baldory: Ah, a fellow knight! Good, so I’m not alone here.

I’d have thought “SIR Paulo Rori” would have been a clue in that regard…

Never in their lives, did they ever perceive that one human alone could kill a Demon God with just a blade. As the giant boar began to die, the demon flesh covering it slowly started to liquefy, dropping into smoldering puddles of black.

Ew.

And hey, whoa, back up. Nago’s DEAD? In the movie, it took putting out both his eyes in order to kill him, how’d Alex pull it off with a tiny-ass machete through one eye?

Baldory: I assume Nago is rather large in stature?

If I’m not wrong, he’s about the length of four or five full-grown adult humans, and as tall as perhaps half of that. That’s pretty big, considering. Also, he’s a boar.

Baldory: And a machete is usually not much longer than a foot in length… I’m not sure I believe this story’s claims.

Paulo: Welcome to our end of the matter.

Stepping away in a half conscious daze, Alex hopped off and staggered back, as he looked and watched as the worms covering his right forearm and hand turned to burning, hot muck and oozed off his arm. A small burn was left on the back of his right hand and forearm as he let it dangle on his side.

Oh hey, redundancies. Haven’t seen those in a while.

By which I mean Paulo bust an alert on me last week.

Paulo: I apologi-!

*Alarms Blare*

Baldory: That sounds bad. So what happens now?

Oh, the DRD show up and get horribly brutalized while trying to kill my ass. Like so!

*SC pulls out a blowpipe and shoots a dart at one of the DRD agents; after three seconds, said agent goes insane and murders all his teammates before accidentally killing himself as well*

Paulo: …Well that was needlessly violent.

By the way, one been watching Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag playthroughs.

Baldory: Assassin… Huh?

I’ll let this explain for me:

Paulo: …So, pirates?

Yup.

*Baldory quietly turns back to face the computer*

As he fell back onto the grass, he glanced at the dying boar, smiled, and painfully whispered, “I got you… Porky…”

You know, it’s because of humans that Nago became a demon in the first place, mocking him for dying by human hands is NOT a good way to plead your case against getting cursed – which I know is coming up next because you stole Ashitaka’s role you bastard.

It didn’t take long for the warriors to reach both the boar and the strangely dressed young man who had killed It.

And yet it took the entire battle to muster your strength in the first place.

IMG_1030337829425867

Baldory: Thank goodness I have my people operating in small teams. It doesn’t take me nearly as long to respond to a situation.

Yeah, I’d much rather have seen you and your guild jump in than Alex and these “Amishi” dweebs. Or, shit, just send Paulo! He’d have diced Nago into pork kebabs!

Paulo, laughing: I could feed a village for a month!

*Baldory chuckles good-naturedly*

Although I think demon pork would do bad things to their bowels…

Baldory, wincing: Let’s not talk about that.

While the rest gazed at the dying animal, a burly looking man walked over towards the fallen youth and knelt down beside him, “You still alive, lad?” he asked with a gruff looking smile.

Burly man, you say?

What the fuck, Uncle Google?

What the fuck, Uncle Google?

Yeah, okay, not what I thought I’d see when I searched “burly chap.” You okay, Uncle Google?

Baldory: Uncle Google should take my advice and lay down, it’s clearly been overworking itself.

Oh, the irony of your statement. Your story so far has you suffering a heart attack from overworking and getting pissed off on top of it.

Baldory: Hence why Uncle Google should take my advice and lay down, of course.

Well, that’s some mighty sound logic, right there.

Alex looked at the man half-dead and returned the smile,

Fuck, he’s only half-dead.

Paulo: But also only half-alive.

Good point. There might still be hope!

“It wasn’t easy,” he said weakly, “…but I got…” Suddenly, his body suddenly began to spasm violently as he fell flat on his back on the ground. His body shook violently and his eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. His mouth spread open, releasing a continuous round of gagging noises while his back arched upward.

Baldory: Oh, lovely. Now I’m having horrible flashbacks of my heart attack.

Yeah, difference is, mine is a bit better written. And with less redundancies.

*Alarms Blare*

Hey, Ishi! This is unbelievable! Did you hear these DRD guys dissing Kanai, just now?!

*Sounds of horrific violence are heard*

Baldory: Now the real question: was that actually Ishi, or was it Kanai?

I’m fairly certain one of them will fess up later. For now, just be happy that worked.

Suddenly, from the burns, very dark veins began to spread up to his arm and onto his neck. His hand had turned into the shade of black ooze that the creature’s skin had been, and his nails grew to razor sharp points.

This is siding an awful lot like that gross demon arm-thing Tai has.

Paulo: Tai?

Specs would know what I mean.

Paulo: I really must take it upon myself to meet this Specs person.

Specs, from the doorway: Some wished me here!

WE DID NOT, FUCK OFF!

“The lad’s been injured!” the kneeling warrior said as he tried to restrain Alex.

“Injured” is a pretty weak way of putting it.

Baldory: I’ve heard tell of my Medics treating binds that were more tame than whatever this is.

Paulo: Binds?

Baldory: From what my Medics have told me, it’s this condition where an enemy attacks you and locks up the joints in your arms or legs… or even your head, supposedly… and you are incapable of performing any actions that require the use of those specific limbs until it’s cured or you shake yourself out of it.

Paulo: Oh. How… pleasant.

He then examined the burn marks on the lad’s right forearm and hand as they began to grow rapidly, “Goyu!” he called out to a man with a thick, gray mustache, “Go fetch the Oracle!”

Don’t ask me if any of the villagers beyond Kaya, Ashitaka or the Oracle ever got named. I couldn’t really tell you that much. But I can clarify that name, “Goyu.” Apparently, it doesn’t actually exist in Japanese – the closest I could find was Gōjū-Ryū (hard-soft style), which is a very old traditional Okinawan teaching in the art of karate, and Goya, which is a shade of red better known as the color vermilion. However, I do recall mentioning back in a previous part that the Emishi people were actually of Korean descent – “Goyu”, in Korean, roughly translates to “inherence, inherency, inhesion, or unique.” So this is probably an accidental good move on the author’s part.

“Right,” the man replied, and quickly began running down towards the village.

“The boy’s not from around here,” said another warrior as he eyed Alex’s clothing contemptuously, “Look at that armor he’s wearing.”

Oh yeah. “Armor.” Because he’s totally wearing any.

Baldory: …He isn’t, is he.

Nope.

“Forget about his armor, look at his skin!” someone added, “Have you ever seen anything so dark? So… foreign?”

Daaat’s wacist.

It was nearly five minutes later that Goyu returned with the Oracle riding piggy-back.

The Oracle is a small old granny, you understand. She moves pretty slow due to her age. Hence the piggy-back thing.

In her small hand she carried a large bottle of water.

Baldory: Then how was she holding it?

Right?

“Don’t touch him,” she shouted, “All of you keep away from him, the boy’s been cursed!”

Oh boy, I totally didn’t see that coming.

Kaya followed closely behind riding atop Ah-Uh.

YA.

KUL.

When she reached the group she threw herself at the ground beside Alex who was still convulsing uncontrollably.

Baldory: She’ll bang up her knees if she keeps that up.

Well, she already ate shit once while trying to run from Nago, I’m not sure she can do much worse to her knees at this point.

Now the veins had reached his face as he shut his eyes tightly. He then opened them again as he let out another gagged scream, but this time, his eyes had turned completely black, with only his irises retaining color, but instead of them being blue, they were now the unnatural color of golden yellow… just like the boar’s eyes.

Ugh.

I shouldn’t be revealing this so early in my riff, but Stone-Man85 has a wiki and an established fanfiction canon in the works which is equally as bad as this fic. I plan on riffing it afterwards. The golden eyes thing pertains to Alex’s sudden development of demon powers or whatever later on. I wish I was making this up.

“What happened to you?” she asked wide eyed. She then looked back at the Oracle, and pleaded, “Isn’t there anything we can do for him?”

The dwarfish, old woman pressed the bottle of water into Kaya’s hands, “Take this purified water and poor it over his burns, child. You must do it carefully.” she then took out a pair of scissors, and a golden piece of metal, “I need to gather some of the God’s flesh and blood.”

As much as I would love to call the author out on the scissors thing, they date back as far as at least 1500 B.C., which is WAY before the time period Princess Mononoke takes place in. So, it’s legit.

The young Princess followed her instructions and began to pour the water over Alex’s right forearm and hand. Smoke and sizzling noises sputtered from the burns; and even this caused the boy pain as well as his gurgled screams became roars of pain.

No shit, treating burns hurts like hell? Whodathunkit.

The Oracle ran over to the boar’s body, and quickly snipped at some of the boar’s fur, and scooped up some of the blood.

First of all, flesh and fur are two totally different things. Fur is hair. Flesh is skin. Get it right, damn it.

Second of all, NOW she suddenly knows how to run?

She returned to where Kaya and Alex were, she placed the gold metal on his right wrist. She then began to mix together the blood and fur as she began to chant in an unknown dialect. As she finished chanting, she positioned the hand that held the boards flesh and blood, and squeezed it, allowing one drop of the mixture to hit the metal piece.

What the fuck-diddly kind of shaman-ass shit am I reading, here?

Baldory: That was possibly the most amusing string of insulting words I’ve ever heard in the same sentence.

I try.

As it did, it glowed brightly as it seeped into the metal piece. After that happened, the metal began to flex and melt, becoming malleable and alive as it sprouted out tentacles of its own. They then shot into Alex’s wrist, burying themselves into the flesh. Alex screamed out in even more pain as his convulsions became more violent. Kaya and a few warriors had to hold him down as this happened. But as it did, the darkened veins started to regress back to the wound, and the wound itself began to regress as well.

Paulo: Do any of us have any real knowledge of magic?

Baldory: I know some very weak incantations, but that’s it.

I could probably pore over everything occult, hermetic, western esoteric, alchemic, shamanic and what-have-you for hours and not find a damn thing that would explain this shit.

Paulo: Then shall we gentlemen agree to simply ignore this passage?

Sure, why not.

Baldory: Doesn’t hurt my feelings any.

As the wound disappeared, the golden metal band had wrapped around Alex’s wrist, forming into a wrist chain of sorts, with the mixture of red blood crystallizing into a red gem of sorts.

In other words, magical jewelry. Terrific. I mean, I certainly don’t mind arcane accessories, but the movie this fic is set in barely even had any proper knowledge of firearms, so what reason do I have to believe that they would be able to pull this off? And I know for a fact that Ashitaka never had a wristband like that when he got cursed, he was just left to deal with it until he could find a cure.

All signs point to contrivance catalyst.

When the feeling of pain began to fade from his body, Alex’s eyes had returned to their normal color, and then he breathed a relieved sigh and fell into a silent coma.

Oh good, maybe he’ll sleep to death.

With her bare feet sinking into the soft grass,

Baldory: Why is this important?

It’s not, actually.

the Oracle slowly made her way towards the fallen boar, as it was taking labored breaths. She stopped where the grass became lifeless dirt and bowed, “Oh, Nameless God of rage and hatred, I bow before you.” She tilted forward again and clasped her hands together.

…You mean she bowed?

“We shall raise a mound where you have fallen, and perform the ceremony of passing in your honor. Pass on into the after life in peace noble lord, and bear us no hatred,” she bowed once more.

The Boar God’s blood-oozing mouth suddenly began to move, “Be silent you disgusting little creature!” he bellowed with a frightening voice of death, “Your words of sorrow and honor sicken me,”

Wow, r00d.

but then he chuckled as he looked to the outsider’s unconscious form, “But it matters not; the boy may have killed me… but he will soon carry out my will. Soon that boy will share a similar fate that I had been cursed with. Soon all of your kind will feel the hatred I have felt, and shall suffer as I have suffered!”

SOON YOU SHALL ALL BE MADE TO EAT MCDONALDS!

Paulo: Having experienced that food when that Book Specs character tried to educate me of the modern world early on, I can safely cash that a fate worse than death.

Yeah, In-N’-Out is better anyhow.

As his last words faded into the air, his body began to rot away, leaving nothing but a lifeless skeleton and a pool of foul smelling blood.

Baldory: Well, now somebody has to clean that up.

Next Chapter: The Oracle’s Curse and Vison; Journey to the West

And he’s still not very good with chapter titles.

And that finally marks the end of chapter three! Thank fucking Christ! But now I have to start on chapter four, GOD DAMN IT!

Well, thems the breaks.

Thanks for reading folks, and stay tuned for the next chapter! Alex and Tai are probably going to have very similar bullshit powers before long, I’d wager. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Baron Weiss Baldory, I’ll see you next time!

…So, how do you plan on getting back to Tharsis?

Baldory: I have the guild’s skyship parked out back.

Well, be mindful of the dragon flying about.

Baldory: Why did you have to remind me that I have dragons to contend with…

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54 Comments on “1068: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors -Chapter Three, Part Six”

  1. Tie Dye Mage says:

    If any of you have been paying attention to my Facebook updates, you’ll know that I’ve been playing Etrian Odyssey 4 recently.

    What a coincidence! I’ve been playing that recently too.

      • GhostCat says:

        And according to Kitty’s FB feed, she’s plotting your gruesome death if you don’t keep the noise down.

      • SC says:

        Honestly, I thought I was being quieter than I was.

        Although, it’s been four months now and she still hasn’t gotten her room – which is far enough away from mine that she wouldn’t be able to hear me anyhow – finished, nor has she at least started sleeping in her bed out there, which has been set up and ready to use for ages now, so I feel like it’s a lot more her fault than mine that she loses sleep over my antics.

        Plus, by her own admission, the couch she seems to live on is giving her back pains, so I’m rather curious as to how much of her sleep loss really is MY fault.

  2. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Fuck, he’s only half-dead.

    Paulo: But also only half-alive

    Too bad he’s not mostly dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m sick of this chapter, let’s jump right in and finish it for real.

    And considering how many chapters this thing has now, you might want to pick up some major andale on updating it? Pretty please?

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Never in their lives, did they ever perceive that one human alone could kill a Demon God with just a blade.

    Well, villagers, that’s the power of a Gary Stu for you.

    Oh, you guys have any idea where Ashitaka might’ve gone?

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Or, shit, just send Paulo! He’d have diced Nago into pork kebabs!

    He says, after bitching at Alex for taunting Nago mid-death scene…

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    [image]

    Yeah, okay, not what I thought I’d see when I searched “burly chap.” You okay, Uncle Google?

    Whoah there, Uncle Google! I did not know you were secretly into bear culture. Holy shit, that is crazy!

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    and Goya, which is a shade of red better known as the color vermilion.

    It’s also a corporation that specializes in Hispanic products. Given that it was founded in 1936, I doubt this is what the author had in mind, though…

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Kaya followed closely behind riding atop Ah-Uh.

    *frown*

    Wait a smidge.

    So Yakul was free, right? Ashitaka wasn’t busy riding him, so that meant he had no need to carry Ashitaka around.

    And yet it was Goyu who was carrying the grandma, instead of Yakul.

    This makes negative sense, and it’s not even a plot point!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I shouldn’t be revealing this so early in my riff, but Stone-Man85 has a wiki and an established fanfiction canon in the works which is equally as bad as this fic. I plan on riffing it afterwards. The golden eyes thing pertains to Alex’s sudden development of demon powers or whatever later on. I wish I was making this up.

    For those of you wondering why SC commented “I take it back” on last week’s installment…

    This is why.

    God help us all.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    the boards flesh and blood

    *snerk*

    I didn’t know cardboard had flesh…

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I could probably pore over everything occult, hermetic, western esoteric, alchemic, shamanic and what-have-you for hours and not find a damn thing that would explain this shit.

    I don’t even remember if this is what they did with Ashitaka in the actual movie…

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As the wound disappeared, the golden metal band had wrapped around Alex’s wrist, forming into a wrist chain of sorts, with the mixture of red blood crystallizing into a red gem of sorts.

    It’s an exsphere, isn’t it?

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Yeah, In-N’-Out is better anyhow.

    I keep hearing about this In-N’-Out, but I’ve never actually been close to one.

    Five Guys is pretty awesome, though. Now if only the one close to me in Cincinnati hadn’t closed down…

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      This is just my opinion, but I can’t stand Five Guys. The burgers are really greasy (at least mine were when I went there) and the food in general is considered really unhealthy.

      Personally, I’d recommend Wendy’s. They’re the healthiest (or least unhealthy) fast food place I’ve ever been to.

      • SC says:

        The Wendy’s in my hometown was burned down, so I’m out of luck there.

        The Carl’s Jr. there, though, has started improving since from the one yoke I had a burger from there as a kid, which is cool because I have nothing against Carl’s Jr. and wish I would go there more often.

      • GhostCat says:

        I don’t really care for burgers, but I do love me some Bojangles’ chicken.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oh, I love Wendy’s! I’m kind of sad there aren’t Wendy’s near me that I can get to easily.

        But yeah. Wendy’s is awesome! Their burgers are a lot less greasy than they used to be, too, so that’s an added plus.

      • "Lyle" says:

        I can’t stand Wendy’s since they changed their buns; the old cornmeal-topped buns were much better than this soft fluffy shit they serve now. My unhealthy fast-food-du-jour is Jack in the Box, which is a West Coast thing. They’re open 24 hours and you can get the entire menu all all hours. Want a breakfast burrito at 4pm? Done. Want tacos at 7am? Sure thing! It’s fantastic. And I know Taco will agree with me. Whenever family visits him we have to bring him sacrificial Jack in the Box burgers as an offering.

      • SC says:

        For me, I say In-N’-Out because their food is actually really pleasantly light for being so loaded down with grease. Like, you don’t feel like death when you get done eating one of their burgers.

        Red Robin, on the other hand.

        I had the Royal Red Robin burger – bacon, basted egg, two burger patties, cheese, the works – and I regretted it immediately. I passed out after only eating HALF of that monster.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m mostly an equal-opportunity burger enthusiast. Granted, the ones I really enjoy are from singular restaurants (Golden Gyros down the street makes the best burgers ever), but I also enjoy the likes of Wendy’s, In-N’-Out, Jack-in-the-Box, 5-Guys, Culvers, and Carl’s Jr.

        Can’t stand McDonald’s though. McDonald’s’ burger patties have the same taste and texture as the bun (that is to say, airy and flavorless).

      • SC says:

        Your McDonald’s must be a lot different from mine, then. I eat a burger from a California McDonald’s and just about choke on all the fat dripping off of it.

      • GhostCat says:

        The only thing McDonald’s burgers are good for is curing constipation; they’re like fried slices of Drano.

  14. "Lyle" says:

    As the wound disappeared, the golden metal band had wrapped around Alex’s wrist, forming into a wrist chain of sorts, with the mixture of red blood crystallizing into a red gem of sorts.

    And to activate his new Magical Girl Powers he merely has to hold up his charm and say the words “Pretty Princess Makeup!”

  15. TacoMagic says:

    If I’m not wrong, he’s about the length of four or five full-grown adult humans, and as tall as perhaps half of that. That’s pretty big, considering. Also, he’s a boar.

    Baldory: And a machete is usually not much longer than a foot in length… I’m not sure I believe this story’s claims.

    Time for biology and math!

    Well… the average size of the eye of an adult boar is 28 mm in diameter, which is just a little bigger than an inch. An adult boar is about 2′ at the shoulder and about 5′ long.

    Looking at some pictures of Nago and footage from the movie, it became pretty clear that his scale is not consistent (at one point he’s about 2x as tall as a human at the shoulder, but at another point he’s only about a head taller). So, depending on the scene, he’s anywhere between 7 feet and 11 feet tall at the shoulder. We’ll split the difference and say that at any given moment Nago is 9 feet at the shoulder.

    Now, ignoring the square-cube law, this puts Nago at about 4.5 times the size of an average adult boar, so he’d be 22.5 feet long. Average male height in the US is 5 foot 9 inches, so that puts average Nago at about 4x as long as an average male human. So 4 or 5 people long was a pretty good estimate.

    Now, because of the square-cube rule there are two ways to look at scaling up the boar eyeball. The direct way is to multiply by 4.5, which makes the eyeball just under 5 inches in diameter. The other way is to maintain the volume ratio, which would make the eyeball much smaller. We actually see this in the animal kingdom. Larger animals have eyes of similar volume ratio to their size. So, as an animal gets larger, its eyeball only grows at the cube root. For instance, an elephant, despite being roughly 5x the size of a boar in shoulder height, has an eye that is only about 50% bigger (around 40 mm vs a boar’s 28). Likely, based on elephant and whale eye sizes, Nago’s eye would actually be closer to 2 inches in diameter, not 5. However, Nago has large anime eyes in the movie, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he has a 5 inch eyeball.

    Now, let’s look at machetes. A machete has a blade that ranges from about 1 foot to 1.5 feet in length. Looking at the Gerber blade catalogue, it appears that their most common offering is 15 inches. Looking around a bit online also shows 15 inches to be pretty common for mass market machetes in general, so we’ll use that. If you inserted the entire machete blade into the head of Nago through the eye socket*, the blade would protrude 10 inches into Nago’s brain.

    At 4.5 times the size of a normal boar, this would actually be pretty lethal. Boars/pigs have very small brains for their size (despite the myth that they are very intelligent). A Boar brain is about 2-3″ long front to back. Scaled up, Nago’s brain would be, at most, about 14″ long. So it is very likely that a blade protruding 70% of the way through his brain would be lethal.

    So, oddly, it holds up that if you managed to stab Nago in the eye with a machete and drive the blade home, it would probably kill him outright. That said, actually DOING that would not be plausible given how hard it would be to get that close to him or hit that small of a target square on with a machete.

    *Weirdly reasonable. The skull is very thin behind the eyeball, so pressing a blade through there would be pretty easy.

    • SC says:

      Alright, so credit to Alex where it’s due.

      But, at least I can still hold that actually getting that close without getting equally as dead is bullshit.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yeah the wound is deadly, but actually inflicting it is total bullshit for many reasons, not the least of which is that the Stu here doesn’t have any formal training in blade work.

      • SC says:

        And that he’s only a red belt in martial arts, when Nago could easily trounce a pro black belt.

        Like, what fucking makes you think you have a shot, little boy?

  16. TacoMagic says:

    When the feeling of pain began to fade from his body, Alex’s eyes had returned to their normal color, and then he breathed a relieved sigh and fell into a silent coma.

    As opposed to one of those Euro club-dance comas.


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