1067: Yes, But It’s a Female Zombie : Chapter 1Part 2

Title: Yes, But It’s a Female Zombie
Author: Cyberweasel89
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Is This a Zombie?/Kore wa Zonbi Desu ka?
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, my darling Patrons!

I have returned with another slice of this incredibly long chapter. The first segment was approximately eighty-five percent plot regurgitation, ten percent Fem!Ayumu’s lush nakedness, and five percent other. The author recreated the character introductions for Ayumu (with a little bathroom scene added for inexplicable reasons), Eu, and Orito, and included an original scene introducing a male Taeko that primarily focused on Fem!Ayumu running around naked after being hit by a truck.

Y’know, my dear Patrons –  as odd as the source materials can be at times, this fic is just so much weirder in a completely different way.

I’ve got my counters warmed up and ready, so let’s jump back into the fic. When we left Fem!Ayumu last time, she was finishing a phone call from Orito and he was warning her about the serial killer that had already, unknown to him, killed her. I’m going to remove the row of bold Xs that serves as a scene break, purely because I don’t like them.

Yeah… of course she got it. That was why she was out looking for the murderer every night. He was still killing there, in that city.

Hence the reason Orito called to tell you about the serial killer murdering another person.

Stopping at a vending machine, she got herself a drink, making her way further down the street in a pair of tight curve-hugging

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 20

blue denim jeans over a simple pair of cotton panties,

Typically when you describe someone’s clothing, you don’t include a description of the person’s underwear unless that’s all they have on.

black sneakers, and a yellow midriff-baring

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 21

spaghetti-strap tank top that similarly hugged her curves and was tantalizingly low-cut.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 22

Author, you’re not even trying to hide the fact that you’re just using Seraphim’s clothes and body for Fem!Ayumu, are you?

She wasn’t really big on flaunting her body,

Really? Because her current and prior wardrobe choices beg to differ.

not when nearly everyone in this town favored the Delicious Flat Chest…

Like most anime and manga, the source materials takes place in a vague area that is likely meant to represent a suburb of Tokyo. It’s a big damned place and I sincerely doubt everyone is in love with tiny boobs.

she just found those kind of clothes comfortable and easy to move around in, perfect for her lazy lifestyle.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 12

:snerk:

Freedom of motion is not why women wear skinny jeans, author.

I might be willing to believe that she’s wearing the outfit for comfort, there are women who enjoy wearing such clothes, if it wasn’t for the constant body-shaming she’s put herself through. She doesn’t like her breasts specifically because they are large, so the last thing she would do is wear a garment that accentuates them. If anything, she would put on more layers or wear looser clothing to try to hide them.

That was also why she favored ponytails, but rarely tied them with anything more than rubber bands or string.

That’s the first reasonable thing about this description – ponytails are the lazy girl’s best friend.

As she sipped her drink on her way to the graveyard, Ayumu wondered two things… First, as a zombie, why did she still need to eat, drink, and sleep? Or… did she?

If Fem!Ayumu has the same or similar abilities as the canon version – rapid healing, superhuman strength, high tolerance for pain – then she’s going to need a lot of energy and it would have to come from somewhere.

More importantly, though, just blindly searching for this murderer probably would do no good.

That depends; there is a “cooling off” period between each murder, but without knowing the serial killer’s past history it would be difficult to know if they are going to kill again so soon after the death Orito called Fem!Ayumu about. Fem!Ayumu is in the unique position of being a prior victim and thus is familiar with what kind of victim the serial killer favors and the area they prefer to hunt in.

Serial killers… generally didn’t want to be found.

And usually take great pains to avoid detection so they can kill for as long as possible. That’s why the insanity defense so rarely works in serial killer cases; they know what they are doing is wrong, or they wouldn’t try to hide their activities.

At the graveyard, she leaned back against one of the tombstones, sipping from her can and sighing. Going there sure was calming.

Don’t you mean “coming here”? You are still in the location.

Way more calming than being at home, what with that dashing bishie giving her constant flashes of loyal husband fantasies.

Hey, don’t blame M!Eu; that’s your kink. And look – more fandom-speak/gratuitous Japanese!

Then again, it kind of made sense that she would feel so relaxed among the dead. After all, she was a zombie. “Yep… This is my new happy place.” she sighed contentedly, a small smile on her face and happy pink blush to her cheeks as she took another sip from her can.

I prefer the original version with Ayumu’s internal dialogue; it’s poignant rather than sophomoric and is a good foil for what follows.

And why is the narration constantly referring to her drink as “the can”? In the anime Ayumu is drinking canned coffee, but it’s one of those details that’s difficult to spot (it helps to have a familiarity with Japanese.) The author could have had Fem!Ayumu drink anything, Ayumu is drinking an unidentified bottled drink and eating onigiri in the manga so it’s not that big of a deal to change it to something else, but I think it is telling that one of the details that the author is deliberately vague about is one that would be hard to steal from the source materials.

The sound of a chainsaw reached her ears. She knew the sound well, and was a little worried to hear it. She had, after all, seen plenty of zombie movies prior to becoming one of the walking dead herself, and knew that the chainsaw was the natural enemy of her kind, regardless of whether it was affixed to someone’s severed wrist or not.

Oh, nice – an Evil Dead reference. That’s worth a redemption cookie.

But if you’re alone at night in a graveyard and suddenly hear a chainsaw coming towards you, I don’t think it really matters if you’re a zombie or not – you’re going to be scared.

What’s more, further in the darkness of the graveyard, she could see flashes of sparks. As her eyes adjusted, she saw a chainsaw chopping up gravestones, pausing with her mouth full of her drink as she tried to focus her vision. When she saw a pair of glowing red eyes in the darkness, she promptly spit her drink out.

:yawns:

This would be more exciting if; A. I didn’t already know what was going to happen, and B. It wasn’t so frickin’ daybook.

“Wh-What is that?! Don’t go for my head!” she cried, recoiling in genuine fright.

Why is she scared? As she’s pointed out herself – she’s a zombie. She could be cut into pieces and survive.

A boom and plume of smoke sounded where the noise was, and Ayumu looked up to see… a pair of striped panties?

“Friggin die!” a youthful female voice cried in rage.

… I guess this means the author is keeping Haruna’s fan service character introduction, where she jumps through the air and nearly lands on Ayumu’s face, even though both of these female characters are supposed to be straight. It’d also be nice if there was some description so that the audience doesn’t think Haruna is a pair of sentient panties.

Ayumu dove out of the way just in time to avoid a girl crashing down where she was standing, dropping her drink, and performing a tuck and roll maneuver. She pulled herself to her knees, staring at a cloud of dust and dirt. “What was that just now?”

According to the narration, that :points into Void: is a girl. Or possibly panties.

As the dust cleared, she saw it was a girl in some kind of frilly pink outfit with way too many ribbons trying to pull a similarly pink-themed chainsaw out of the ground. “Huh? A cosplayer?!”

:headdesk:

That’s all we get for description? Too many ribbons? This is the dress of a Magical Garment Girl!

MAKE AN EFFORT!

She was very young looking. Short, petite, with short but feminine hair the color of weak tea and gray-blue eyes.

:looks at image:

The hell kind of tea have you been drinking?

“No… It’s hard to believe, but if she attacked me, she’s…” As the girl finally yanked her chainsaw from the ground, Ayumu pointed accusingly at her. “So you’re the serial killer?!”

Like the bulk of the fic this is exactly like the source materials, but I think Ayumu is being an idiot. He was stabbed with a katana and Haruna is holding a pink chainsaw. Those two weapons are nothing alike.

The girl, who had landed on her ass, looked up at the sound of Ayumu’s voice. “Huh? What are you talkin’ about? You’re in the way. Move!”

“Kuma, kuma!”

That sound… Yep, Aikawa Ayumu… was fucked.

Well, “kuma” is the Japanese word for bear, so … why would someone shouting the word “bear!” over and over mean you were in trouble? In the source materials it is clear because the silhouette of the giant Megalo can be seen, but nothing like that has been included in the fic. There’s a single mention of glowing red eyes, but nothing indicating where they are or why they are important – it even looks as if the eyes belong to Haruna.

As several giant razor-sharp bear claws stabbed right through her body, she was only glad she was already dead, and thus couldn’t feel pain.

Bullshit you can’t. Ayumu screams like a stuck pig when this happens.

Still, though, the surprise and shock made her scream as if she was in pain.

:headdesk:

This is what you choose to whitewash, author? You take away one of the few human traits that Fem!Ayumu would possess, and for what? She still behaves as if she is in pain. It has changed nothing.

The girl jumped to her feet, surprisingly agile. “Kumacchi!”

Adding “cchi” like that is usually done with names as a sort of affectionate diminutive, like calling someone named Joe “Joey”. Essentially, she just called that thing “little bear.”

This is scary?

“Wh-What the heck?” Ayumu groaned,

There are people being mangled and nude breasts all over the place, yet the characters can’t say “hell”?

some blood running from her mouth as she found herself held up in the air by a giant bear in a boy’s school uniform, impaled on four sharp ursan claws.

Good effort, but I think you mean “ursine”, author. Ursan isn’t a word in English. (Uncle Google says it’s Finnish, though.)

And there’s two main styles of school uniform for boys that are used in Japan; the more popular “English style” with a blazer and tie, and the traditional gakuran with a standing collar, which is what Megalo wear.

One through her chest between her breasts, one through her stomach, one through her waist, and one through her thigh,

I’m tempted to hit the buzzer, but there’s a noticeable lack of adjectives that stays my hand.

thankfully having missed her questionably-useful (and used) nether regions.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 23

I think the author is trying to imply that Fem!Ayumu is sexually active, or has been sexually active. I’m not quite sure, though. The wording is very strange. You can usually tell what part of the fic is the author’s original work because the wording is very unique in sections.

Seriously, she was a zombie. Could she even get pregnant? Not that she really wanted to at sixteen…

It’s not something I’ve thought about, but I would say that normal rotting-dead-bodies zombies can’t become pregnant. Since Fem!Ayumu is a different kind of zombie, one that can regenerate and heal without a problem, she should be capable of gestation if she still has regular menses. I’m not sure how her new body would deal with menstruation or gestation, though.

“Shit. This’ll get me points taken off.” the girl in the frilly outfit cursed. “Hey, I’ll avenger you. Rest in peace.”

Can’t you Loki me instead?

“Yeah, about that!” the zombie growled, turning to look at the girl from where she lay skewered face-up on the bear’s claws.

Ugh! I know where everyone is supposed to be according to the source materials, but there’s been no description of this bear or where the characters are in relation to each other. It is very frustrating.

“Don’t speak! Your wounds are deep!” she declared dramatically, thrusting her frilly glove-covered palm at Ayumu. “Just go toward the light!”

“I don’t see any light, you dingbat!” the zombie shouted.

This is one of my favorite scenes in the original source materials, it’s extremely funny, but the author has managed to drain all the humor out of it. There’s no emotion at all.

Ignoring her, the frilly-dressed girl revved her chainsaw, glowing pink characters reading ‘Haruna’ in English appearing on the chainsaw’s blade. “Mystletainn! Magical power to full!” She began radiating shockwaves of pink light outward along the ground from where she stood.

:yawns:

Chainsaws don’t have a blade but a series of sharp teeth on a chain – hence the name. Haruna’s name appears on the guide bar the chain travels around.

“Kumacchi!” the huge bear growled, raising its arm with Ayumu still on it.

Presumably the bear is large enough to do this, in the source materials he towers over the humans, but again – no worthwhile description other than “giant” given.

“Let’s go! Ultimate Technique: Mystletainn Kick!” Jumping upward, Haruna backflipped through the air, going in for a downward heel kick on the bear. Instead, however, at the last second, she switched to her chainsaw, cutting through the bear’s horizontally-aligned wrist.

Sweet mercy, it’s like reading an instruction manual. I don’t know if they’re having a fight or assembling a bookcase.

“That’s not a kick!” the zombie screamed as the bear’s paw went flying with her still skewered on it, Kumacchi itself collapsing to the ground.

This is a recurring theme; when Ayumu or Haruna call out the move “Mystletainn Kick!” someone will invariably say “That isn’t a kick!”, usually while they are being cut in half. What I don’t see is any injury to Fem!Ayumu. If she’s skewered on Kumacchi’s claws and Haruna severed the paw at the wrist, then there’s very little chance she would escape the chainsaw. In the source materials, Haruna chooses the shortest path – cutting directly through Ayumu, bisecting him at the waist. It’s a very violent and deliberate act very much at odds with her cutesy appearance.

With a proud victory stance, Haruna stabbed her chainsaw into the ground, placing her hands on her hips. “Battle incurs sacrifices. Oh, well!” she mused, crossing her arms and closing her eyes, nodding sagely.

Something very clichéd has just happened, so I predict something unexpected occurring in three … Two … One …

“I can’t agree with a single thing you’ve said.”

AHHH! ANOTHER DISEMBODIED VOICE! :wildly fires Xenodoken Gun in all directions:

The girl opened one eye, soon followed by the other.

Haruna-chan is a hard girl to rattle.

Spinning around, she saw Ayumu pulling herself to her feet, wrenching the giant severed bear paw out of her back. “Why aren’t you dead?” she asked in disbelief.

And how are you able to bend like that?

“Because I’m a zombie.” Ayumu stated calmly, finally pulling the bear paw out and tossing it away.

Assuming the bear paw is as large as it is in the source materials, and it would have to be very big to have skewered Fem!Ayumu and support her in the air, then the mass of the paw would be more than her body could support. She likely would have pulled herself off of the claws when she stood.

Haruna’s gaze darkened, like she was horrified. “You’re not human?” she asked in horror.

Opinions differ; I’m of the school of thought that zombies are still technically humans since you can’t change your species simply by dying. A dead bird is still a bird, therefore a dead (or zombified) human is still human.

“It’s a long story.” she explained, her wounds sealing shut before both their eyes. “My feelings are still human, though.”

Wow. Ayumu heals quickly, but it’s usually something that happens off-screen.

“Eew!” Haruna replied, despite Ayumu’s pre-emptive warning, bringing her hands to her mouth in disgust.

She has something against human feelings? Or is it the healing factor that she finds disgusting?

“Have some respect for the dead.” the zombie pouted,

In the source materials the author stole this dialogue from, this makes sense. Here, it doesn’t. In the source materials Ayumu is laying on the ground and is partially obscured from the viewer’s sight by Haruna. When he tells Haruna that he’s a zombie she reacts, and then she pulls back to reveal his legs draped over a nearby tombstone before he speaks this line so that’s the focus of her feelings – but in the fic the narration focuses on Fem!Ayumu’s wounds healing so it seems that Haruna is reacting to that rather than Fem!Ayumu’s disclosure that she is a zombie.

gazing at the blood-soaked hole in the thigh of her pants

Pants have legs, not thighs. It may be in the area of her thigh, but that’s not what the pants are called.

and right over the front of her top, making a quite revealing cleavage window that joined with the original neckline of the yellow spaghetti tank.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 24

A “cleavage window”, by definition, is an open area bordered by fabric – that’s why it’s called a window. If this tear joined with the original neckline, then it just lowered said neckline.

A third hole had completely snapped the waistline of her panties and pants, currently held up with little more than blood and the width of her own shapely hips against the tight garment.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 25

:blinks:

Holy crapcakes. How did a talon pierce completely through her body and only sever the waistbands in one place? Why is the blood, which should still be fresh, acting like glue? Blood is sticky, but fresh blood shouldn’t be that sticky. And I call bullshit on her pants staying up. If they really were tight, then cutting the waistband would be like suddenly releasing a pressure valve – she would just explode out of her britches.

“Well? Who the heck are you?”

That’s a very good question, Fem!Ayumu. Have a redemption cookie! And a Band-Aid.

Turning around to fully face Ayumu, the girl placed her hand over her Delicious Flat Chest,

Why does the narration keep using that term like it is a real thing? They’re breasts, not mini-muffins.

directing her closed-eye gaze upward pridefully. “A genius Masou-Shoujo of Villiers! I’m Haruna! That B-Class Megalo earlier was Kumacchi! My grades are counting on this. You got that much, right?”

Honey, I know exactly what you’re talking about and even I have a hard time following you. That’s kind of Haruna’s thing, though; she assumes people know what she’s talking about so she doesn’t explain herself very well.

Ayumu closed her eyes in exasperation, reaching to hold her pants up.

Wait, I thought her hips were holding up her pants? Don’t tell me that was a lie!

:scolds mp3 player:

Deceiver!

She… didn’t get anything at all. “I can’t trust people who go around calling themselves geniuses.” she stated coldly.

That’s good advice, a truly intelligent person is aware of how much they don’t know, but it’s just more dialogue lifted from the source materials.

“The layman can’t understand how geniuses feel!” Haruna retorted, pointing accusingly at the partially-indecent zombie.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 26

Partially indecent? Her clothes are filled with giant holes, her pants are split, and she has been drenched in her own blood. What the hell does she consider decent?

“Well, whatever.”she began walking toward her. “I’m gonna erase your memories.” she explained, holding her palm out toward Ayumu’s face.

:giggles:

I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

“Hey, hold on!” she cried, taking a step back, only for her pants to fall down.

Make up your mind, author! Either her shapely hips can defy logic and physics to keep up her pants, or they can’t. You can’t have it both ways.

“What’s that?!” she gaped, reaching down to pull her pants back up just as some kind of swirling vortex of pink light appeared in front of Haruna’s palm.

Something clichéd is happening, and you know what that means!

As she watched, pink particles of light began to emanate from Haruna, and her outfit just… evaporated. Shoes and all. Heck, she was even more naked than Ayumu was just earlier that day. At least the zombie had the string tying her hair at that time. Haruna was as naked as the day she was born.

Yes, but this time the nudity is integral to the plot and genuinely humorous, unlike all previous incidences.

“Huh? My magic won’t work. What’s up with that?”

I dunno; what’s up with your clothes vanishing?

Ayumu’s jaw dropped. She… wasn’t noticing? The zombie reached into her cleavage, pulling out her cell phone and snapping a picture.

She has a cell phone in her cleavage? She was just impaled on giant bear claws and tossed around like a rag doll – how did it escape unscathed?

“Rather than that, will you be okay with no clothes on?” she asked in a dull, toneless manner.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 13

“Huh?” Haruna looked down at herself, a deep crimson blush spreading across her cheeks. “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Regular cheeks and sitting cheeks, I bet.

Wow, such perfectly small boobs. Ayumu had to admit, with a town where it seemed everyone preferred the Delicious Flat Chest, she was jealous. Quite an awesome sight she was getting.

Again – Fem!Ayumu is completely straight. I’m sure she’s just admiring Haruna’s breasts from a purely aesthetic standpoint.

It seemed Haruna had found the meaning of life. Too bad Ayumu was dead post-puberty, and thus having a Delicious Flat Chest was forever out of her rea-

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 27

I am sick and tired of the author bashing Fem!Ayumu’s body.

:THWACK!:

This is your character, jackass! You made her like this and you’re taking every opportunity to tear her down from within. I have a problem with that.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a kick in the stomach from the naked loli girl. “Give it back! Return my powers! In the blink of an eye, the drop of a hat, this instant! Posthaste! Lickety-split! Now! Now, now, now!”

:sirens blare:

Wait! I have a note! The character really talks like that! In the original Japanese version, anyway.

:sends note out into hall via Spider Cannon:

She stopped kicking, shrinking into a two-handed ‘cover your shame’ position very much like Ayumu had been in earlier that day.

Little late for that, don’t you think? And why cover your shame? It makes sense in the source materials, but in the fic Fem!Ayumu is female, like you are. Same sex nudity doesn’t carry the same “naughty” cachet as mixed-gender nudity does.

“You’re no normal human, are you, funbags?”

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 28

Funbags? “I told you. I’m zombie.” she sighed, rubbing her stomach from the Masou-Shoujo’s kicks.

“Kuma, kumacchi!”

… What’s that?

Both girls turned to look as the giant bear stood up, still alive despite its severed paw. The very naked Haruna’s jaw dropped, while Ayumu only gazed upon it with disinterest.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 14

He’s still alive?

Sweet mercy, not only does this Haruna fail to cut a zombie in half, she can’t even kill a Megalo that was right in front of her. And I don’t know how she managed that; the special Mystletainn Kick should have been aimed directly at the Megalo’s head, since cutting off it’s head (or cutting it in half) is the only way to kill the things. And if Haruna only cut off the paw, what has the Megalo been doing while Fem!Ayumu and Haruna have been interacting? Did it stand around quietly with its freshly severed limb and wait for a good time to interrupt the two?

As Kumacchi raised its other paw to strike, she shoved Haruma out of the way, taking the full brunt of the attack. It sent her flying several yards away, finally stopping when she slammed into a large gravestone.

That’s very nice of Fem!Ayumu, taking a blow meant for someone who has been doing nothing but verbally insulting and physically assaulting her.

Ugh… Good thing she was a zombie. She didn’t feel any pain at all. She was already dead, after all. Getting up, she began walking forward.

I cry so much bullshit on this. If Fem!Ayumu didn’t feel pain at all, a condition called congenital analgesia, then she would constantly be injuring herself. And she’s already been shown to feel pain; when she was barefoot in the grass, she called its prickling annoying. It’s very mild pain, but it is pain – and yet the greater pain of getting punctured by giant claws or bitch-slapped into a tombstone registers nothing.

As Haruna pulled herself to a huddled-over crouched position to hide her nudity, she shouted at Ayumu. “Big-boobed bimbo!

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 29

 Quick, run away! That’s the fiendish high school girl, Kumacchi! A dead meat valley girl like you will get killed in an instant!”

Huh? Haruna does sometimes get confused and switch around the Megalo’s names or traits, but I have no idea where that “valley girl” bit came from. That’s really out of left field.

Ayumu didn’t have the heart to tell Haruna that Eu had already referred to her breasts as dead meat earlier that day.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 30

Why would Haruna care what M!Eu called Fem!Ayumu’s chest? She doesn’t know him and could probably care less what he  called Fem!Ayumu, whom she has just met and presumably doesn’t like.

She stopped to stand in front of the one-handed bear. “This thing couldn’t possible be a high school girl. And it’s wearing the uniform for boys.” she pointed out in a disinterested manner.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 15

Yeah, Haruna’s malapropisms are what make this encounter so unusual. If the giant one-handed death-bear was in a girl’s uniform it would be okay.

“Floozy!

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 31

 You’re seriously a busty bimbo!

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 32

This just makes no sense to me. Haruna just keeps shouting out random insults without making a point.

Don’t act so calm and composed!”

Ayumu only sighed, rubbing her forehead. “What a drag…

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 16

I feel for you, sister.

Will that uniform be alright?’ she asked.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Haruna barked, hiding behind a nearby stone lantern to cover herself.

“For you to wear.” she clarified with similar disinterest.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 17

How exactly is she planning on retrieving the uniform? When the Megalo are destroyed, they vanish in a shower of gold sparkles. There’s not going to be anything left to cover Haruna up.

“…Huh? What are you saying?”

:shrugs:

I have no idea. The scene should have ended after Haruna’s powers were absorbed by Fem!Ayumu, but the author really seems to like inserting extra scenes that heavily feature nudity.

To Haruna’s shock, Ayumu took off running, her tattered cloth-clad chest heaving.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 33

The way that’s worded makes it look like Fem!Ayumu’s chest is tattered, not her top.

“D-Ditz! Can’t you even measure your opponent’s strenght?!” Haruna barked. “So that’s how humans in this world are! Flee now while you can!”

The wording very odd, but I think Haruna’s trying to warn Fem!Ayumu. That or Timmy fell down the well again.

As Kumacchi aimed a kick at the zombie, Ayumu blocked by raising her forearm, redirecting the huge limb.

I’m not one hundred percent positive, but I think blocking and redirecting are two different things.

Heh! You wouldn’t be able to measure her strength.

Except for the fact that she just did something that would likely require a fair amount of strength so her opponent now has some idea what she is capable of.

With an upward sweep of its remaining paw, it launched Ayumu into the air. She landed right next to where Haruna was hiding.

That’s impressive, maybe? There’s no reference as to how far the characters are from each other, so this data point is meaningless.

“Uwaaaa! Why’d you have to fall near me?! Don’t you understand?! You won’t be able to beat a Megalo!”

I understand why you would find the idea of someone beating a Megalo bare-handed to be ridiculous, but why yell at her for landing near you? It’s not like Fem!Ayumu had control over where she was being thrown.

Ayumu sat up, rubbing the back of her head, though her top seemed a bit more torn, showing just a hint of areola.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 34

:blinks:

I don’t even …

:blinks again:

I’ll give you some credit for using the technical term, author, but seriously – what the hell?

“Crap! I don’t wanna see your gross undead chest-fat, either!

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 35

Honey, don’t nobody want to see that.

Drop dead, you fat-ass ghoul!” the naked loli girl cried, waving her arms in hysteria.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 36

Haruna-chan, your mind seems to be on a one-way track straight into the gutter. And I’m beginning to wonder if I should have started a counter for every instance of gratuitous Japanese or fandom-speak.

Ayumu showed no reaction in her face.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 17

Instead, she stood up. “Just be quiet and see.” she said coldly. Her right hand grasped her left bicep, which began to bulge with visible veins. Both the coldness of the zombie’s words and the process in her arm shocked Haruna into silence.

The hell is she doing to her arm? Do zombies take steroids?

Ayumu dashed forward at surprising speed. Kumacchi attempted to counter the straightforward dash, only for the curvy zombie

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 37

How many more of these are there?  My hand’s starting to hurt.

to easily leap over the tall grizzly’s head. Midair, she gripped her fingers into the back of the bear’s head, and using the momentum of her somersault, ripped the ursa’s head off,

“Ursa” is not a word in English, although Google says it means “bear” in Portuguese.

stuffing flying everywhere. She landed firmly on her feet, the bear’s decapitated body falling to the ground as its head landed several feet away.

Stuffing? It’s a giant stuffed bear? Is that the reason for the lack of blood when its paw was cut off? I thought it was just the author’s general lack of descriptive narration.

The source materials show the innards of the Megalos, and they certainly aren’t filled with stuffing. It’s odd that the author would lavish so much attention on trying to exactly duplicate the source materials – and add tons of nudity – but be squeamish at a little thing like blood. It does dovetail in with the author’s censuring of Fem!Ayumu’s pain response; they want to focus more on the fan service and less on darker aspects of the material.

Haruna’s jaw dropped. What… just happened? She… defeated Kumacchi, a B-Class Megalo… in a single blow… with her bare hands!

After getting bitch-slapped into a tombstone, but still. Impressive takedown of a large stuffed animal.

“W… Who are you, exactly?” she gasped, her arms crossed tightly over her A-cup breasts.

Me? :low voice: I’m … Batman!

:ducks as a tomato is thrown into the Riffing Chamber and smashes into the wall:

Hey! :brushes tomato bits off of shoulder: I couldn’t resist.

The curvy zombie

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 38

turned around to gaze at Haruna from over her shoulder, her hands placed casually in her pockets. “I’m Aikawa Ayumu. Just an ordinary living corpse…” she stated, a small, sly smile on her face.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 18

Yeah, and I’m just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. The zombies in the source materials aren’t like traditional shambling corpses; they are closer to liches, wights, or ghouls than mindless zombies.

Haruna wasn’t sure why… but she felt her heart speed up all of a sudden… and a blush come to her face.

In a completely platonic and non-sexual way.

She watched as Ayumu walked over to the beheaded Megalo and remove its uniform shirt, tossing it to Haruna.

The body didn’t dissolve?  Damn, the cops are going to be surprised when they find this thing in the morning.

The Masou-Shoujo hastily wrapped the massive garment around herself, watching with a fascination and confusion as Ayumu’s jeans sunk lower, exposing her hourglass hips.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 39

Typically when an hourglass is used to describe someone it is applied to their entire figure, not just their hips. Unless Fem!Ayumu’s hips are narrow in the middle and wider at the top and bottom, and I don’t think human anatomy works like that.

“So… what was that bear?” the high school student asked.

That’s probably a question you should have asked before you tore its head off.

As Ayumu turned around to face her, Haruna was treated to the sight of her in full frontal.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 40

I sense a comically overblown nosebleed in Haruna’s future.

 Though technically decent from the waist-down aside from a bit of her ‘mound of Venus,’ her top left… little to the imagination.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 41

If her mons pubis is visible, then she is not “technically decent” from the waist down. What does that even mean, anyway? That you can’t see her labia?

I’m going to present this next section without interruptions so you can get the full impact of the fic, but I am keeping track for the buzzer.

A massive hole was in the front between her breasts that met the neckline of what was once a decent, if curve-fitting, midriff-baring, and low-cut tank top. The left spaghetti strap had fallen off the zombie’s shoulder, giving her a disheveled look that… make Haruna’s head feel funny. Her left areola was slightly visible from the chain reaction the fallen strap had caused, and though covered, her braless nipples were clearly tenting the thin yellow material. Haruna, in a manner that she found very confounding, felt her ahoge stand straighter and twitch at the sight of it.

:slaps buzzer repeatedly:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 47

:rubs wrist:

How do you guys manage this? I’m going to need a brace after I’m through this fic.

Y’know, author, there’s costume porn and then there’s just straight-up porn. Guess which one this is closer to?

And look! :points: Gratuitous Japanese! Ahoge is the term for the gravity-defying hair sprout that some characters sport, it literally translates as “foolish hair”.

“Hey. Haruna, was it? Stop staring at my tits.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 48

If you don’t want her to stare, maybe you should take a few minutes and find something to cover yourself with. The dead Megalo is right there and presumably still has a few items of clothing that could be scavenged, or you could skin it and wear the pelt like a trophy.

What was that huge teddy bear?”

That snapped the Masou-Shoujo out of her lezzo-lustful gaze.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 49

:sigh:

You’re not even going to pretend that Haruna’s straight anymore, are you? Not that it would be a bad thing, I think authors should utilize the full breadth of the Kinsey Scale when developing characters – but this is not the way to go about it.

“Didn’t I tell you before? It was Kumacchi, the fiendish baron!” she roared.

Fiendish baron, high school girl; they’re basically the same thing, right?

“Nah, you said something else…” Ayumu muttered, hiking up her jeans and slipping a hand into one of the pockets.

Why does she keep putting her hands in her pockets? Shouldn’t she be focusing on keeping up her pants or putting her shirt back together?

“Seriously, though, why did my magic disappear when I used it on you? What are you?”

She shrugged,

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 19

:headdesk:

She has told you already – she is a zombie! Pay attention!

:THWACK!:

You’re supposed to be a genius, baka!

Haruna’s eyes getting irresistibly, but only momentarily, drawn to her fallen strap during the motion.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 50

 “Like I said. Just your friendly neighborhood walking dead.”

And it sounds like you’re ripping off two separate franchises rather than one when you put it that way.

She sighed. “Is there something called a phone in this world?”

“Phone?” The zombie casually,

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 20

Don’t pretend like you don’t know what a phone is. Haruna asked for it by name! It’s not as if she asked to borrow a communications device.

and to Haruna’s embarrassed shock, reached between her breasts through her exposed cleavage,

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 51

I don’t think the author knows how cleavage works, they seem to be under the impression that it is a fleshy Bag of Holding. There isn’t a lot of room between breasts, especially if they are being compressed together by a bra. And if Fem!Ayumu reached through her cleavage, she would be sticking her hand into her own chest cavity.

fishing out some odd, flat, rectangular object. “If you need a phone, I have one.” she stated in a dull manner.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 21

The author’s really going off-script now; this scene with Haruna on the phone doesn’t occur until they go to Ayumu’s house. That would mean they would have access to clothes, though, and we can’t have that.

Haruna’s eyes shot wide open in fright, backflipping several feet farther away from the curvy zombie.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 51

She’s in full-blown “hide my shame” mode and suddenly backflips several times? She’s naked and trying to hide said nakedness! Backflips are the exact opposite of that.

“What kind of magical device is that?” she asked, trembling in fright.

“It’s just a phone.” Ayumu shrugged.

Kind of over-did it on the reaction, dear. Haruna is apprehensive of Ayumu’s phone, but she isn’t scared of it. It’s just not what she’s used to.

“For real? If you’re tricking me, you’ll end up like Kumacchi over there.” She flicked her head to the rapidly disintegrating monster teddy bear, gently taking the odd device from the zombie’s hand.

Now it’s dissolving? Was it on a time delay because reasons? And if the Megalo is dissolving, shouldn’t Haruna’s borrowed clothing be dissolving as well?

She quickly dialed a number while Ayumu went to sit on a nearby brick ledge. When the zombie wasn’t looking, Haruna gave the phone a quick sniff. Hmm… Sweat and red cinnamon? She found it… kind of intoxicating…

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 52

That is just … Creepy. Really creepy. But at least she didn’t lick it.

And just what is the difference between regular cinnamon and red cinnamon?

Particularly the former.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 53

She finds the smell of Fem!Ayumu’s sweat to be intoxicating? I could try to be impartial and do research on pheromones, but … Ewww.

There’s just no way that the author can still claim that Haruna is plain-vanilla straight anymore.

She stopped when she noticed the owner of the cell phone gazing at her in a bored manner from where she sat.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 22

“H-Hello, is that you, Dai-sensei? It’s me. Haruna, from Rising Group of Refrain Year. Attendance Number six hundred thirty-four million, five hundred twenty-six thousand, three hundred seventy-nine.”

:gasp!:

An author who doesn’t use numerals in dialogue? Have yourself a redemption brownie!

She was staying stuff like ‘this world’ earlier, so Ayumu figured she was speaking to someone in another world…

Really? The vanishing clothing, glowy pink light, and giant murder-bear didn’t clue you in? In the source materials, Ayumu just takes Haruna’s otherworldliness in stride; he is a recently revived zombie who is living with a necromancer from Hades, after all. His weirdness threshold is set pretty high.

Did that mean electromagnetic waves could go through different worlds?

I’m not as good with physics as some of my fellow Librarians, so :flips coin: Yes, they can! She’s talking to someone, so chances are my lucky quarter is right.

And… Refrain Year? Rising Group? What kind of tastes did her world have?

I hope you mean food, but I’m afraid you don’t.

And what kind of phone bill would calling another world rack up?

Ouch. THat’s not going to be pretty.

“Yes, sorry to disturb you at this busy hour. Well then, excuse me.”

The standard way to finish a phone call would be with a “thank you” – onegaishimasu – which is how Haruna really ends it. She would only apologise like this if she was using humble speech, which Haruna doesn’t really do. She could, and probably should since Dai-Sensei is her head teacher, but she thinks far too highly of herself for that.

:stuffs language fangirl into trunk:

Sorry, she keeps getting loose.

Snapping the phone shut, she turned to glare at Ayumu. “Hey, you. Meat.” The zombie only sighed. It wasn’t easy being curvy

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 54

when everyone favored the Delicious Flat Chest…

Seriously, it sounds like you plan of eating her pectorals – and not in a fun way.

“You stole my magic powers, didn’t you?”

There was a deadly serious silence between them for several movements before the zombie spoke. “Unfortunately, I don’t even have the slightest clue what you’re talking about…”

Which happens a lot when you talk with Haruna-chan.

“Don’t play dumb!” she barked, pointing accusingly at her. “Even Dai-sensei said that taking magic powers away from me, the genius and beautiful Masou-Shoujo Haruna-chan, would be completely impossible without you having magic powers of an unbelieveable magnitude! You have to take responsibility!”

“Responsibility…” Ayumu sighed in exasperation.

In this universe, stronger magic subsumes weaker magic. Fem!Ayumu doesn’t have any magical powers to speak of except for the fact that she’s alive, which was someone else’s handiwork.

:glances at M!Eu:

I wonder who’s really responsible?

“My mission as a Masou-Shoujo… is to defeat the Megalos that appear in this rotten world.” she explained, her face deadly serious.

“Isn’t it Mahou Shoujo…” Ayumu corrected, her face its usual dull expression.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 23

“It’s Masou-Shoujo! Don’t group me together with those cliched school girls!” she growled, pointing her finger at the much taller girl and waving it.

In both source materials Haruna gets angry when she’s called a Masou-Shoujo; she makes the distinction that she’s a magically ornamented girl, not a boring magical girl. Much like Kill la Kill, the power’s in the costume.

Seriously, Ayumu was a full head taller than her. Wow. Though plenty of boys were taller than her, she was the tallest girl in her class. In addition to asking if she ‘made milk,’

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 55

I know boys can be crude and cruel, but damn. And the narration references so casually, as if it is just an afterthought.

you’d be surprised how often people asked her if she played basketball.

Would I? I’ll have to take your word for it, fic. This is the first time I’ve been informed of that particular trait.

“Was that bear one of the Megalos?”

“Yeah, a B-Class.”

“Why are you fighting them?”

When you kill them they drop piles of coins and occasionally small gifts?

That gave the barely-decent Masou-Shoujo pause. “Megalos are harmful insects who are trying to destroy my world. If we leave even just one alive, there will be no future for us Masou-Shoujo…”

At this point, Haruna has badly injured Fem!Ayumu, as did the Megalo. So far, they’re even in terms of how bad they are; so there should probably be a more compelling argument than “they’re bad and we’re not”.

The girl gave the peace sign, posing in what she probably thought was a cool pose. “In other words, I’m a heroine! Amazing, aren’t I?”

Modest, too.

Ayumu only blinked, clearly unimpressed. “If their objective is to destroy your world, why did a Megalo appear in this world?”

That’s a very good question! Catch!

:tosses Fem!Ayumu a ZomBite:

I’m not really sure why we have zombie treats in the Kibble Kabinet, but I’ve learned not to question such things.

“At any rate, although I’m super-duper-ultra-extremely reluctant about it, I’m going to stay at your place, Flesh!”

Huh? That doesn’t answer Fem!Ayumu’s question! You’re just changing the subject. A subject that should be brought up after you’re at Fem!Ayumu’s house.

“Huh?” Ayumu sighed. Ignored, and yet another nickname playing on her undead and buxom nature?

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 56

:thunk!:

Great, my arm fell off. SENSEI! 

:ninja appears:

What took you so long?

“Apologies, but there was traffic.”

Whatever. :holds up stump: I have a little problem. Atashi wo korosu shite kudasai.

Hai!”

:swish!:

:ZZZZIP-pop!:

Ah, much better. I love a good respawn. :flexes fingers: Ooh, a French manicure! Very classy, sensei.

“It is the little indulgences that make one’s duties so fulfilling.”

 Troublesome… “…I understand. So long as you don’t disturb the neighbors, I guess I don’t mind. There’s something I’d like to request if you’re living with me, though…”

“What? If it’s something weird, I’ll refuse.” Haruna grumbled, crossing her arms over her flat chest.

It’s almost a guarantee that it will be something weird.

“You have to call me ‘My Beautifully Buxom Landlord.'”

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 57

I don’t buy it. Not the request; As I pointed out in the extensive Author’s Note, Ayumu does make an odd request of Seraphim – he wants her to call him “Master” (in the Japanese version it’s onii-chan or “big brother”) which would be a very obsequious and flattering term to use. Fem!Ayumu, who has repeatedly bemoaned the state of her massive mammaries, chooses a term that would reference the very traits she so despises.

she directed with a raised finger, and in a totally deadpan manner.

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 24

“Fat chance, you maggot-infested busto!”

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 58

Busto? Now you’re just reaching, author.

Haruna retorted, kicking the zombie in the stomach again. “Stop being so flabby-chested!

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 59

I guess this is the point where the author ran out of plausible breast-based insults and just spun the wheels on a random word generator.

Want me to kick you again?!”

“Please do!”

Pipe down, sensei!

Sigh… Troublesome… so very troublesome…

I really have come to hate the word “troublesome”.  I didn’t like it much before this fic because it pops up frequently in Japanese to English translations, but this is ridiculous.

:language fangirl pops her head out of the trunk:

Down, you!

XXXXXXXXXX

Wow, a scene break. We haven’t had one of those in a long time. This was one of the longest scenes in this entire fic, but it was pieced together from several bits of different scenes so that’s probably why it ran so long.

Arriving at the Aikawa household, Haruna placed her chainsaw, Mystletainn, in the umbrella stand by the door. Ayumu directed the Masou-Shoujo to one of the three spare bedrooms and brought her a temporary change of clothes. Really just a long T-shirt and a pair of panties she hadn’t worn since she was younger and the Masou-Shoujo’s size.

:yawns:

More daybook. There’s a reason the source materials jumps over this boring minutiae – because it is BORING!

“Don’t peek while I’m changing, you airheaded pair of rotting boobs!”

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 60

Even by Japan’s standards of casual sexism, this is getting ridiculous.

“Who are you calling airheaded?” the zombie sighed, going to her own room to change.

Oh, snap?

Dressing in the long pink T-shirt and the pair of striped panties, Haruna joined the zombie at the table in the den. Ayumu was dressed in her usual camisole and boyshorts.

Do any of the female characters in this fic wear normal clothing?

Sitting at the table however, Haruna gazed back and forth between the female zombie and the male necromancer, seeming… passively angry.

Is Haruna passively angry, or does she think the atmosphere between M!Eu and Fem!Ayumu is passively angry? If that’s the case, why would she think that? If he’s like his canon counterpart then M!Eu has to constantly keep his emotions in check so he can’t project any anger, passive or active.

“You okay, Haruna-chan?” the zombie asked.

“I’m in a bind, being unable to use my magic. Hopefully you understand, right?” she dismissed, turning and pouting indignantly.

Not really. It didn’t injure or otherwise incapacitate you, so physically you are fine. The only thing you’ve used magic for was fighting the Megalo and you couldn’t even manage that properly.

Ayumu sighed, smacking her forehead. To think, she had a latent power like this… Absorbing magic? What next?

Well, remember the little thing about Haruna being a magically ornamented girl? If you have her magic, guess what else you’ve inherited?

“Take responsibility!” she growled, pointing at her.

“And what should I do?” the zombie grumbled.

“Of course, you will provide high-quality meals and snacks! And a bed.”

“Now, look here…” Ayumu began.

This is why it’s not a good idea to take pieces from different scenes. Haruna and Fem!Ayumu already had a conversation where Haruna asked to stay at Fem!Ayumu’s house. This scene, even though it is straight-up plot regurgitation, is now redundant.

“So, who’s this classy-looking dude?” she asked, in a more softer, curious tone, pointing to where Eu sat, sipping his usual cup of green tea labeled with his name.

“He’s my hus- I mean, he’s a necromancer from Hades, Eucliwood Hellscythe.”

Still with the husband thing. At least Ayumu has the decency to keep his irrational fantasies in his head.

There was a long pause, Eu and Haruna seeming to have a staring contest… But then the Masou-Shoujo just sighed, taking a seat. “You don’t say.” she dismissed casually, grabbing a rice cracker from the bowl on the table and biting into it.

I prefer the Japanese version; she says “a so”  which is one of those delightful little polite phrases that allows the speaker to acknowledge that they have heard what was said without really commenting on anything – yet they can still convey meaning with their tone and the context.

:stuffs inner language fangirl back into trunk:

Sorry, she slipped out for a second.

You don’t say?

:squints:

Is that supposed to be dialogue or narration or what?

Haruna turned back to the zombie. “Oh. What’s-your-face.”

“Aikawa Ayumu.” she grumbled.

“Ayumeat, you haven’t prepared dinner yet? I’m hungry, you know?”

Eu scribbled something on his notepad, holding it up for the zombie to read. ‘Meat? That sounds good, actually.’

Sighing, she pulled herself to her feet. “Okay, okay. I’ll make it soon. Will beef fried rice be fine?”

Haruna absolutely lit up, her ahoge atop her head twitching like mad. “That’s good!” she exclaimed.

You know, the fact that she calls Fem!Ayumu “meat” and now is all excited to eat meat makes Haruna look vaguely cannibalistic.

‘That would be lovely.’ Eu wrote on a piece of paper pulled from his notepad, but Ayumu heard it as…

-That’s exactly what I wanted for dinner, my beautiful buxom waifu! I love you, honey!-

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 61

:sigh:

Yet another fantasy that fails to show anything. And there’s another fandom term! “Waifu” isn’t Japanese; a more appropriate term would be Kami-san.

 The zombie promptly pinched her nose to stop an imagination-incurred nosebleed.

Darn it! I thought for sure Haruna would be the one to get the nosebleed.

“My, my…” she sighed, turning and heading out the sliding door. She dropped her boyshorts and pulled her camisole over her head just as she was leaving the den,

:slaps buzzer:

Slothful Siren Counter: 25

… Why is she taking her clothes off? I thought she was going to make dinner? Cooking in the nude isn’t a very good idea.

eliciting a girlish cry of fright from Haruna.

Fright. Yeah, right.

Heh! She only did it to get a reaction out of the Masou-Shoujo, but if Haruna’s reaction was that strong, she might do this more often.

I don’t know why you’re doing it now!

Eu watched as Haruna clutched her flat chest, as if she almost had a heart attack. “What the hell was that?! Why did Ayumeat just… just… strip like that?!”

I assume because no one has mentioned her breasts in the past ten seconds.

The necromancer, seeing a chance to amuse himself, wrote on his notepad.

‘Oh, Ayumu-chan always cooks in the nude.’

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 62

What? M!Eu can’t do something to amuse himself! His emotions are very dangerous!

And if M!Eu is telling the truth, then why was Fem!Ayumu thinking that she should cook nude more often so she can shock Haruna? And why was she concerned the day before when she was cooking in nothing but an apron?

he scribbled on the next page. ‘Sometimes she’ll wear an apron, and only an apron, but only sometimes.’ A new page. ‘You’re lucky she was even wearing what she was wearing just now.’ New page. ‘She’s a regular nudist.’

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 63

I agree with the nudist part, Fem!Ayumu has a hard time keeping her clothes on and intact.

 Haruna’s face was completely drained of color, her eyes completely blank, though what happened next… actually confused the necromancer.

Her nose exploded with a massive burst of blood. How odd…

:fist-pump:

Yes! I was right!

Ah well. Still quite amusing, if you asked him. As Haruna lay unconscious in a puddle of her own blood, the dashing prettyboy only sipped his cup of green tea, watching with no reaction as the laugh track roared on the TV.

These two things are very at odds with each other; Eu does show very little reaction to events around her, but it is deliberate. Here M!Eu deliberately acted to amuse himself, and found Haruna’s actions amusing, but is still reactionless.

XXXXXXXXXX

I guess we’ve gone back to short little scenes. Yay.

Haruna had to admit… Ayumeat was a surprisingly good cook for a rotting flesh, fat-chested, airheaded shuffle-stepper.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 64

:shakes head: This is just sad.

She almost felt like she had her own house husband as she watched the zombie do the dishes after the meal…

Except this version of Ayumu is female so the comparison is invalid.

But quickly shook the very confusing, and outright disturbing, thought from her head. Ugh!

You mean the part where you thought a naked woman was a man? Yeah, that would be confusing.

Sure, Villiers was a matriarchal society with only a twenty percent male population, but Haruna was not yuri!

Yet another fandom term! I think it was supposed to be gratuitous Japanese as well, but “yuri” just means “lily” when it’s not specifically referring to media featuring lesbian relationships; the derogatory term for a lesbian is “rezu”.

No matter how delicious that naked, bulbous ass staring her in the face from in front of the sink was.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 65

This is just strengthening that vaguely cannibalistic vibe I was getting earlier.

What was of more concern than dat ass, doe…

:THWACK!:

No! Bad author! We maintain our narrative voice!

was the presence she sensed just outside the Aikawa residence.

“Masou-Shoujo… detected.” the trench coat-clad, glowing red-eyed stranger mused to himself from beneath the unlit street lamp.

Just what this fic needs, more creepiness.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, that was short, disturbing, and largely pointless.

Haruna awoke that morning momentarily forgetting where she was, due to the unfamiliar room. It was the smell of cooking that rose her awake, actually.

The phrasing in the author’s original sections tends to be more awkward than the scenes that are pure plot regurgitation, but that is just no kind of right.

Dressing in a long pink t-shirt and nothing else, the Masou-Shoujo stumbled downstairs, finding the necromancer Eu seated at the den table, watching TV with no reaction.

So far, everything’s normal. That means something unexpected is going to happen soon.

In the kitchen, however, was where she found the source of the smell.

Food is supposed to be cooked in a kitchen?!?

Staring her in the face was a glorious, peach-shaped ass clad only in an apron. Its owner turned around, holding a spatula and a frying pan filled with fried eggs.

:slaps buzzer:

Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 66

Haruna must be really short if her face is level with Fem!Ayumu’s ass. Also – Damn.

“Oh, good morning, Haruna-chan, my love.” the warm, loving voice of Ayumu spoke to the Masou-Shoujo. “I made fried eggs for you, and I’ll be drawing a nice morning bath for you immediately afterwards! Shall I join you in it, my beautiful waifu? I can wash your back for you, Haruna-chan. Or maybe even… your front?”

Another use of a fandom term, and it is almost a carbon copy of one of Fem!Ayumu’s lukewarm fantasies. I smell a dream sequence.

With a scream, Haruna shot up in bed, panting heavily. Oh, Kami-sama… What was up with that dream?

Good question. I have no idea, but I have a feeling I’m not going to like any explanation the author gives.

Glancing at the clock, she saw it was still only three AM. Ugh… she needed more sleep…

Maybe? :shrugs: I don’t know what time she went to bed or how much sleep she requires, so I don’t have enough information to make a determination.

…Why did she feel so wet between her legs, though?

:headdesk:

Unless Haruna wets the bed, this is very clear evidence that Haruna isn’t “confused” as the author has insisted. She’s sexually attracted to women, specifically Fem!Ayumu. The whole “Haruna is just confused!” subplot coupled with these graphic examples does nothing but muddy the narrative.

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29 Comments on “1067: Yes, But It’s a Female Zombie : Chapter 1Part 2”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    This is just disgusting.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    To Haruna’s shock, Ayumu took off running, her tattered cloth-clad chest heaving.

    :slaps buzzer:

    Fem!Ayumu’s Headlights Spotlight Counter – 33

    The way that’s worded makes it look like Fem!Ayumu’s chest is tattered, not her top.

    Well, given that she just got skewered on a giant bear claw, I’d say “tattered” would be a perfectly good term for her.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    It’d also be nice if there was some description so that the audience doesn’t think Haruna is a pair of sentient panties.

    I dunno, a crossover with Kill La Kill would probably do this ‘fic some good.

    • GhostCat says:

      A crossover between this canon and Kill la Kill would actually be pretty workable, given both source materials reliance on magical garments/accessories.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    There are people being mangled and nude breasts all over the place, yet the characters can’t say “hell”?

    Well, most authors can’t bring themselves to fully spell out ‘fuck’ without some kind of lame asterisk to “obfuscate” the actual word, so I can’t say this is terribly surprising.

    Honestly, I’d rather see alternative words used instead of half-baked letter/symbol subbing.

    • GhostCat says:

      This author seems oddly reluctant to incorporate things like blood and gore into the fic, even though the source materials is full of it, and completely whitewashed Fem!Ayumu’s pain response as being nothing but a figment of her imagination.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      There are people being mangled and nude breasts all over the place, yet the characters can’t say “hell”?

      I don’t know, that certainly sounds like Hell to me…

  5. TacoMagic says:

    Can’t you Loki me instead?

    Hmm. Possibly. Crunchy! Is Loki in your Rolodex of evil?

    “Of course! Him and all the other trickster gods, and Dionysus for some reason.”

    Actually I was referring to the Marvel universe Loki. The one who is a kind of alien, god, thing.

    “Why would I have him? I only have real people in my evil Rolodex.”

    Cheeky raptor.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    Delicious Flat Chest

    It’s always capitalized… so… is it like a restaurant or something? Maybe a location… like Gun Point?

  7. TacoMagic says:

    As Kumacchi raised its other paw to strike, she shoved Haruma out of the way, taking the full brunt of the attack.

    I bet neither of the girls expected the bear to attack itself and save Haruma in the process.

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      It’s obviously a samurai bear. It committed seppuku rather than face the dishonor of being killed by a little girl wearing a frilly dress and swinging a chainsaw.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    The dead Megalo is right there and presumably still has a few items of clothing that could be scavenged, or you could skin it and wear the pelt like a trophy.

    Or dump the stuffing out, as it were.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    It was about halfway through the fic that I realized that coming down to comment was a lot easier here because the curvy counter made it really easy to find my spot.

    • GhostCat says:

      It has made it really easy to keep track of my spot while I’m working on the riff.

      Have we ever had a counter go into the triple digits? Because there’s another third of the chapter to go.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Well, Buster’s “Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen” probably would have, but after it became apparent that everything he did was evil, I retired the counter.

  10. TacoMagic says:

    She dropped her boyshorts and pulled her camisole over her head just as she was leaving the den,

  11. "Lyle" says:

    *grabs a notepad and starts scribbling notes*

    I know what I’m going to do for our next Librarian Big Post thing. Jumblies abound!

  12. Tie Dye Mage says:

    She has a cell phone in her cleavage? She was just impaled on giant bear claws and tossed around like a rag doll – how did it escape unscathed?

    Obviously the space between her breasts functions as a black hole, kind of like what you’d get in a Bag of Holding. TV Tropes would call it Victoria’s Secret Compartment.

  13. Tie Dye Mage says:

    “W… Who are you, exactly?” she gasped, her arms crossed tightly over her A-cup breasts.


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