1062: Legendary Warriors, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Three, Part Five

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Dame Cassia Rori

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85!

Even my phone hates this fic!

Even my phone hates this fic!

I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex was a Big(?) Damn(?) Hero(?) and saved Kaya from Demon!Nago.

We also learned last week that Paulo got hitched and never told anybody! Well, following my advice, he decided to bring his lovely wife Cassia along this time around, making them the second married couple I’ve had as guests in my riffs! And since I’ve already shown you all pictures of what she looks like, we’ll just skip right to the introduction!

Cassia: Pictures? Oh, Paulo, you never told me that you carried pictures of me with you! How sweet!

*Paulo blushes and scratches the back of his head quietly*

He such a sap, isn’t he?

Cassia: Indeed, but that is why I married him.

Well, that’s as good a reason as any.

Now, as you’ll recall, Paulo informed us that his wife was in the same regiment as he was, the King’s Elite. To clarify, she was a Guardian unit, meaning she was the closest to the king at all times, save for the Commandant. Paulo, conversely, was a Vanguard unit, and so he was usually responsible, along with his platoon, for leading the charge and clearing a safe path for the king through the battlefields. Because their king was unusually involved in combat for some reason.

Paulo: His Majesty felt that the best inspiration for his men came from battling alongside them in the field, rather than barking orders from the ramparts.

Cassia: That mindset was the reason behind the creation of the Elite Guard.

Well, that clears that up.

So Cassia, have you been reading up on how this whole riffing thing works?

Cassia: I believe I have an understanding, yes.

Well good, because we’re about to jump into the action:

The tentacle shot at him again but was knocked away with a swipe of his newly acquired sword.

Paulo: Well, they are basic strikes, but at least Alex has figured out how to use the sword on the fly.

Cassia: I’m sorry, dear, but I am afraid that I am at a loss, here.

Here, let me clear it up: this kid named Alex is a bumbling idiot, has a machete-like sword that he has never used before, and is up against a boar god recently transformed into a gigantic, hulking demon by a metal bullet-ball lodged in his abdomen, as well as his own rage.

Paulo: He also has usurped the place of a character who belongs in the story I’m order to forward his own sordid romance plot.

Cassia: Oh, one of these, is it? Well, this should be interesting.

A few other tentacles shot at him, but the creature didn’t count on this boy being able to dodge him so easily, much less block all its advances at him with a mere machete.

Cassia: Dear, you said that he has never wielded a blade?

Paulo: I am more than certain.

Ah crap, is this gonna be another Kale?

Cassia: Who?

Specs would know what I mean. In another riff of mine, this kid Kale has never used a sword in his life, picks one up and suddenly has every clue what he’s doing.

Cassia: As a swordswoman of at least ten years, I am appalled by this.

Paulo: I, as a swordsman of fifteen years, concur.

Cassia: Fifteen years? So is that why you are so comfortable with two blades?

Paulo: In all truth, I have no idea when or why I began wielding two blades, but it has yet to fail me in spite of how impractical it is.

This is the first time I’ve actually realized that you using two swords is impractical, for some reason.

Paulo: This is the first time I have realized it, myself.

As soon as he saw an opening, Alex jumped over one tentacle, and roll-dodge another, and that allowed him to get around the beast and started running.

Oh, I sincerely doubt all of this. Alex has displayed zero flexibility in situations like this, and Nago is nothing but tentacles at the moment. Like hell he managed to get around all of that.

The girl could only look back helplessly at the strange boy who had saved her as he tried to outrun the hideous monster.

Kaya, would you care to get a fucking move on? Alex can only make a good distraction for as long as it takes him to get murdered, and that’s not very much time.

“Just who is he anyway?” she asked herself, “And why is he risking his life to save people he doesn’t know?”

Normally, this would be the part where I’d be offended and call Kaya out for asking stupid questions… but it’s Alex. She’s well within reason to be asking those questions.

Cassia: Likely, the answer to the second question is “glory and sexual favors.”

I wouldn’t be surprised.

she thought this while trying to push the pain in her ankle to the back of her mind. She then turned her eyes forward and kicked the elk with her good leg, “Hurry Ah-Uh, he doesn’t have much time!”

Does NOBODY in this fucking story know Yakul’s actual name?!

Paulo: This story was written by the same fool responsible for Alex’s existence.

Oh, that’s right, so nobody knows anybody’s proper names! God damn it…

Well, anyhow, now we head off to the:

Amishi Village

…It’s… It’s Emishi. With an E. Oh my God, how could you screw that up.

Excuse me, I need to do something real quick-like…

~A REAL QUICK-LIKE TIME LATER~

Alright, I’m back.

Paulo: What were you doing?

Leaving some choice words for our idiot author.

They reached the entrance to the Amishi village in less than a minute. Every member of the small Amishi was now crowded in a terrified uproar.

I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this village for as long as the author intends to keep getting the name wrong. With that in mind, I could care less what the state of the people there is.

Many of the old men and women had sat themselves at the edge of the village and chanted prayers, pleading to their gods for protection against the approaching demon. As Ah-Uh proceeded towards the center grounds with the girl on his back, the two girls who had left her behind came rushing towards them. Both were on the verge of hysteria.

Nope, still refusing to acknowledge it.

Paulo: This makes for quite the boring riff, does it not?

Little bit. Hoping something interesting happens soon.

“Kaya!” one called out, “What happened to you?”

“We thought you were gone forever!” the other added on the verge of tears.

“I’m all right, it wasn’t your fault,” Kaya replied,

I’m inclined to disagree. They were already ditching her ass while she was in the middle of trying to make an honorable sacrifice.

Cassia: Some friends.

Yeah, really.

“But we don’t have time to worry about me, someone’s up there fighting the monster!”

I feel like his name was… Oh, Jim-Bob or something?

Paulo: Did it start with an A? I feel as though it started with an A.

Cassia: Allen, perhaps? Abraham? Alphonso…?

Eh, I’m sure I’d remember if it was important.

“Fighting?” an old woman asked, “One of our young men?” Her smallish eyes widened in surprise, “The hunting party came back?”

You deployed a hunting party, and are surprised they’ve come back? What, did you intend for them to get murdered?

“No, the other boys still haven’t come back from the lake,” Kaya answered. She wasn’t quite sure how to explain that the one who had saved her and who was now fighting the Demon-God was an outsider. Outsiders, no matter the circumstances, were never particularly welcome among the Amishi.

I don’t care who’s particularly welcome among the Amishi, I’d rather hear about who’s welcome among the EMISHI.

But at the moment, she didn’t care as she told them, “He’s an outlander.” This of course earned at least a dozen gasps of disbelief. “But we can’t just leave him up there to die, we just can’t,” She looked around frantically; her eyes almost on the verge of tears.

Sure you can. It’s no great loss on your part.

“Where are all the warriors?” one of the elders asked.

“The warriors are already on their way to kill the Demon!” someone shouted from the crowd of villagers.

Paulo: And when exactly did that order get sent out? I heard no call to arms.

“They’ll never make it in time!”

cf8ual

“Fear not, dear Princess,” said the calm voice of the village Oracle as she hobbled across the ground on her stocky legs. “This young traveler of time will not die today. Fate has other things in store for him.”

Apparently, he’s gonna be going to Yharnam.

Paulo: Beg your pardon?

My phone autocorrected my blockquote tag to say Bloodborne. I didn’t feel like deleting it, so I just closed the tags around it.

But meanwhile!

Back on the Hill

El problemo?

El problemo?

Alex didn’t know how much longer he was going to last against this monster. Every time it tried swipe at him with its slimy arms, defending himself took more and more effort. Even with all his martial arts training, he had never had to spar against something this big or multi-limbed before.

Dude, you’re only a red belt, and Nago has more limbs right now than a full-fledged black belt can properly block. You don’t honestly expect me to be surprised that you’re going down early, do you?

But despite all that, the youth was not willing to yield; the adrenaline surging through his body was just too strong.

Adrenal glands too stronk.

Cassia: That sounds as though it may be a problem.

Backing down now was not an option as he held the machete sword in a defensive way, and he stood in a defensive stance.

come_at_me_bro_by_cgsuikane-d38ff3k

Paulo, trying not to laugh: I find your stance questionable, sir.

“Come on, you overgrown gelatinous jello mold gone bad!” he taunted the Demon God,

…Well that was equal parts unsanitary AND rude.

“Everyone’s been saying you’re supposed to be this mighty demon! Or is that just a bunch of rumors to compensate for something?”

Cassia: I and the few other ladies of the King’s Elite had a term for people who made such foolhardy statements. The term was “Corpse of a Self-Dug Grave.”

We in the modern age simplify that to “dead man.”

The Demon God hissed with furry and lunged at the insolent youth. The attack was abruptly halted when Alex turn side stepped away, just as the Demon God past him.

Paulo: Missed by a hair. That has brought more archers to tears than I care to count.

And with all his strength, Alex turned and drove the sharp blade of the machete straight into its left eye. It cried in agony and rolled itself into a ball within its rippling worm flesh.

Ugh. Well, he certainly has the gross-out aspect of Nago’s demon form down pat…

Cassia: Thankfully, I wasn’t all that hungry today.

It then formed a tentacle as it swatted the boy away, causing him to let go of the machete still embedded into its eye socket

AW, ALEX! YOU DROPPED THE ONE THING THAT COULD KEEP YOU FROM GETTING MURDERED!

Not that I’m rooting for him, mind.

Alex groaned and panted as he got on his knees and recovered. He wiped a bit of sweat from his face, and half-smirked,

You gon’ get half-gonged, boy.

“Well this is a first for me,” he told himself looking at the sword. Still embedded into the Demon God’s left eye, “Since when did I become the courageous hero type?”

Courageous might be stretching it, but the hero thing just kind of popped up a few paragraphs ago.

Cassia: Rather unexpectedly, even.

Like the Spanish Inquisition.

Paulo: …Where do you find these strange things?

Internet.

The ball suddenly burst into a hundred slimy tentacles that darted towards the already exhausted youth in a raging furry.

Raging furry, you say? Well, why’d you go cramping on their style?

Alex got back onto his feet and prepared to dodge it again. But by the time they reached him, he was too late to defend himself. A rippling tentacle took him by his right forearm and sent him crashing into the ground… while the tentacle still held on to his arm.

Alex screamed in shear anguish and pain as the Demon God’s worms seeped onto his skin, and through his pores.

Ew.

‘My God,’ Alex thought as he convulsed on the ground; his back arched up as he could barely breath, or barely think, ‘This thing… it’s feels like it’s trying to get under my skin… eating me alive…’

c85

Never in his life did he imagine that something could hurt so much. Another tentacle shot out from the Demon God’s body and wrapped it around the right forearm, and yanked him forward at blinding speed.

Scorpion+on+his+day+job+get+over+here+no+one+fatalities_d05877_3604934

As he was pulled towards it, he saw that the machete was still embedded in the Demon’s eye. It was then that he remembered his biology; if he could shove the machete in deep enough, he could puncture the brain of this thing… killing it once and for all.

*snerk*

Okay, consider how big Nago is and how big a machete usually is.

With these two factoids in mind, go ahead and somebody in the comments explain to Alex why his line of thinking is unsound at the present time.

Ignoring the pain, but only for a little while, Alex gritted his teeth as he shouted, “I’m… I’M NOT… DEAD YET!” and as he was reeled in close enough, he used his momentum to put his feet up forward, and slammed them into the Demon’s face.

It feels weird, using DMC4 for a joke after that riff went so far south.

It feels weird, using DMC4 for a joke after that riff went so far south.

He then pulled his way up, fighting against the Demon’s strength to pull him in with the tentacle. And with all his might, he started to nail the machete in with his freed right foot. The tentacle worms started to crawl on his body; the main tentacle still not letting go of him, despite the creature’s pain. Feeling the new sensations of pain in its body, the Demon God cried out in rage and pain, and hurled its tentacles in all directions. And then with one final stomp and a yell from Alex, he drove the machete deep within the Demon’s eye, and like he predicted, struck the brain as the Demon let out one massive howling cry.

There is nothing you can say to me right now that will make me believe that that worked.

And with that, even though I’m SO CLOSE to the end of this chapter, I’m afraid I have to call it here.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned four next time! Stupid shit worked for stupid reasons and it’s only gonna get worse from here, I bet. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Mr. and Mrs. Rori, I’ll see you next time!

…I feel like you guys didn’t have all that much to say.

Paulo: Not really, no.

Cassia: This riffing thing might be a bit more difficult than I imagine at first.

Eh, no worries. Paulo struggled with it his first time as well.

~~~

Alright, I feel like I owe him this one.

TO STONE-MAN85: If you ever find this riff, know now that I don’t mean any of it to be offensive from this point on, now that I’ve seen how cool a customer you were about me calling you out on your old goofs. Does that mean I’m not gonna riff this fic anymore? Oh hell no, I’m too far in to quit now. I just wanted to let you know, is all.

Advertisements

39 Comments on “1062: Legendary Warriors, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Three, Part Five”

  1. SC says:

    Author comment: I take it back, Stone-Man85, screw you.

  2. "Lyle" says:

    Ignoring the pain, but only for a little while, Alex gritted his teeth as he shouted, “I’m… I’M NOT… DEAD YET!”

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This is the first time I’ve actually realized that you using two swords is impractical, for some reason.

    And I think you just gave Fraug an aneurism.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Leaving some choice words for our idiot author.

    Little did we know the clusterfuck that would lead us to…

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Apparently, he’s gonna be going to Yharnam.

    Dude, no. That means Ert’ll have to deal with him.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Backing down now was not an option as he held the machete sword in a defensive way, and he stood in a defensive stance.

    No!

    *hides under the bed*

    Dammit, right as I was getting over that fucking Legend of Dragoon fanfic, too!

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The Demon God hissed with furry and lunged at the insolent youth.

    *snerk*

    I love how even the narration was like “Alex Killian is totally an insolent youth, y’all”. It’s like even our author had a momentary flash of sanity where the fic realized just how shit the character is.

    • SC says:

      There’s been two instances of that now, both from this chapter.

      On a side note, I REALLY wish the author could find a better word to use to show that Alex is a kid than “youth.” It’s really starting to bug me.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He wiped a bit of sweat from his face, and half-smirked,

    You gon’ get half-gonged, boy.

    Not if I half-bolt-tape him!

    *half bolt-tapes Taco to a half-chair*

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    With these two factoids in mind, go ahead and somebody in the comments explain to Alex why his line of thinking is unsound at the present time.

    Well, you see, the machete isn’t long enough, and you may have to go deeper into his eye socket than you might think. There’s also the matter that, you know, demon, and there’s all kinds of other bullshit about that that…

    You’re not even listening, are you?

  10. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Kaya, would you care to get a fucking move on? Alex can only make a good distraction for as long as it takes him to get murdered, and that’s not very much time.

    Even less if he tastes really good.

  11. TacoMagic says:

    He wiped a bit of sweat from his face, and half-smirked,

    *GO*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s