1053: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter TwoPosted: May 21, 2015
Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media: Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda/Maury
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello again ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more FaCe ThE StRaNgE.
Well, if you thought last installment was only okay… Oh, honey, you have no idea. This installment is where it starts to get weird.
And I mean really fucking weird. Like, you have no idea how fucked up this fic gets.
Let’s just get started, shall we?
So we start today’s installment with this:
Dally sat in the common room or Ravenpaw sketching a picture of Hiei and thinking of his kiss.
I’d start asking when the hell ravens started sporting paws like a bear’s, but I think we’re all hoping that Dally isn’t giving Hiei some kind of weird-ass “draw him like one of your French girls” moment…
Suddenly se looks up at the fire in front of her and a face appeared!! The fire turned blue like water but it was fire and the eyes wee yellow.
Okay, um, I did not know that this guy had piss for eyes. Now that I do, though, I wish I didn’t. Seriously, it changes that whole scene…
“hello” said the fire
“Mom?” asked Dally
Oh, never mind. Turns out it’s just Dally’s mom who has piss for eyes. Okay, I guess I’ll just go on my merry way. After all, it can’t get any weirder from here, can it?
Jut then Mystique came out of the fire she was naked but she didn’t have nipples.
Wait, what the fuck!?
Mystique is Dally’s mom? I… what!?
Okay… So apparently, Dally Darkblood is a witch, a vampire, and a mutant who can draw.
I’d start up the Mary Sue counter, but honestly, guys? I don’t think I need to. I mean, you see it all there. She’s already three things which should logically make her overpowered as fuck!
Hm, why is Mystique here, anyway?
“now that you are a wizad I can give you my powers” said mystique. She handed me an orb and suddenly the room turned colors
What. Are you serious? Are you actually serious right now?
Okay, patrons, quick question for all of you: you all have at least a passing familiarity with X-Men, right? I’m sure most of you are at least somewhat familiar with the concept of the X-Men, if not from the comics than at least from the movies. You know, mutants are discriminated against, and people have issues with them that the X-Men try to fix to prove mutants are awesome.
You all know how mutants get their powers, right? About how they’re all gotten from birth?
Yeah. SO WHY THE FUCK IS MYSTIQUE GIVING DALLY HER POWERS IN THE FORM OF A GODDAMN ORB!?!?
Jesus, I’ve never heard of a fic so fundamentally missing the point of an entire goddamn canon that they do this, but holy fuck. This is kind of insane, it really is!
Let’s just move on. I don’t even want to think about the logistics of how Dally didn’t somehow get her powers from birth!
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH” screamed Della.
Well, to be fair, I think that would be my reaction to seeing one of the main pillars of the Brotherhood of Mutants just sitting around in Hogwarts, too. Especially if she runs around as naked as Mystique typically does.
She was in a lot of pain and sufferage.
Whoah, nelly! Since when did Hogwarts set up polling places in one of the common rooms?
Then mystique disappeared leaving dally with a belt with an X on it. She was now a mutant.
And not a mutant from birth. Why?
Dally could feel a new rush hour of power in her organs.
Oh crap, she’s now got Chris Tucker running around in her digestive system. Ishi, get in there: I think this’ll be the only time the leeches are warranted.
She tried it out and turned into a bat!
So she’s essentially got Beast Boy’s powers?
“Well I could already do that cuz I’m a vampire lol” she thought to herself, so ten she tried it out again and turned into a a demon chaos chao! A little spiky ball was above her head.
Of all the things you would want to turn into, why would you want to turn into that? You’ll be humping possessed toasters for the rest of your existence, for fuck’s sake! Why would you want to hump possessed toasters for all eternity!?
“oh my fucking christ” she said, “I can turn into whatever I want with mustiques powers!”
So technically, you could turn into paper and we could just flush you down the paper shredder and be done with your idiocy before it even gets a chance to start, huh? Well, then!
*wheels in a paper shreeder*
Don’t mind if I do!
She pulled out her blackberry and txted hiei, “HIEI I AM A CHAO” he came right over.
How the hell is that Blackberry still working in Hogwarts? And how the hell did he get into the Ravenclaw common room? Isn’t he Slytherin? Wouldn’t he run the risk of being expelled if he were found in that common room?
Oh, right, sorry, he’s already in the room. Never mind.
She turned back tho because it would be creepy if they kissed and he said it was really cool!!
For him to kiss her while she’s a chao? Damn, I knew you were into size play, Hiei, but damn!
He wanted the powers too so he asked the fire “can you give me those powers too?”
Wait a second, why the hell is Mystique still in the room!? She’s already done what she needed to do, why are you still there?
And seriously, Hiei? Ghostie, if you know anything about Hiei, feel free to correct me given that I know next to nothing about YuYu Hakusho, but I’m pretty sure Hiei is probably not this greedy, right?
“NO!!!” mystique showered,
And then she promptly vanished, because it turns out that her ability to do the fire thing was severely limited by the sudden rain that poured straight down that chimney.
“You are not my dauter and therefor I cannot pass the powers onto you however if you get married you will be my sun so we can do it then”
Wait, so if Hiei marries Dally Darkblood now, he’ll become a ball of constant nuclear fusion that Mystique somehow owns, and then she’ll grant him powers even though he’ll logically have swallowed the whole earth into his constant fusioning self and his powers would therefore be totally meaningless?
Wait, what was that about marriage?
“You know what this means?” Hiei said, “If we get married I can have the powers”
Seriously, dude, what the hell are you even talking about? You’ve known Dally for less than a day! You’ve known her for less than a day, and on top of that the only reason you want to marry her is so you can get her kick-ass transformation powers?
Wow. I’ve never heard of a worse reason to get married in my life!
And watch, Dally is totally going to roll with it, too!
But suddenly Dally began to think of the other guys in her life. There was Edward… he had Bella but he said something aout liking her on the trolly, and there was shadow, who looked at her like “I like you”. She loved Hiai but she liked the others…
“I don’t think so I have cold toes” said Dally and she ran away crying
*hands Dally a redemption cookie*
Just take the cookie and run.
“NO YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE AT THE ALTAR” shouted Hiei in upset.
Dude, you’ve known her for less than twenty-four hours. Frankly, Dally can do whatever the fuck she wants!
“HAHAHA” laughed mystique “YOU WILL NEVER FUCKIN GET TE POWEERS”
Well, she’s not wrong, even if she’s wrong for the fact that X-Men mutants just plain don’t work that way and not for the reasons the fic says so.
And then she disappeared and so did Hiei cuz hes not supposed to be in Ravencalws dorm room lol wtf was he thinking.
Also, did you seriously just break the 4th wall? In the middle of the narration?
Dalli wept quietly to herself when all of the sudden a blonde walked out of his class and aprochjed her.
Wait, didn’t Salvador Dali have a problem with Federico Garcia Lorca when Lorca fell for him hard? If Dali eventually fell out with Lorca over that, why the fuck would he get a goddamn sex change? And what the hell is he doing here in Hogwarts?
“What’s wrong Dally?” he asked.
Oh, it was actually Dally crying on the ground.
Hang on a second.
*walks outside, quickly returns with some equipment, sets it up*
Okay, let’s see… Della, Dalli, Dally…
*hits buzzer three times*
Say My Name Count: 3
‘Cause nothing says that misspellings are awesome like a counter devoted entirely to them, right?
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Oh my name is Draco Malfoy…” he said “Arf you ok?”
Welp, it was bound to happen eventually, patrons: Draco Malfoy is now in this fic. What is with Suethors and their obsession with Draco?
And when did he turn into a dog?
Dally looked into Drake’s eyes and saw that he cared, he was ful of compassion like a snake.
So, that is to say, not compassionate at all. Good to know.
The boy held out a hand and pulled up dally up. “Do you want me to walk you to your class?” he asked
“Don’t mind if I trip you on the way there. That’s just my evil side coming out…”
“I would love that” Dally said battering her ashes.
She said while battering her ashes? How is she battering her ashes when she hasn’t even met the most basic requirement for cremation yet!?
They began to walk down the hallway together when a blast came out before htem.
Was it the DeLorean? ‘Cause if it was, I think Marty McFly’s random cameo in My Immortal filled Hogwarts’ quota of Back to the Future references for the century, thank you very much.
It was Edwart!
Goddammit, it’s Jealous McJealouspants.
Okay, what’s he gonna say this time?
“DALLY!” he shouted “What are you doing with all these bois?”
Um, Edward, it’s really none of your business. Now just go to the Great Hall and—
“um edward its relly none of your business now let us go to the great hall” she snipped.
See? Even the main Sue thinks you’re going overboard here! And you know you’ve fucked up when you can agree with the main Sue!
“IT IS DANGEROSU” he begun to raise his voice
Huh. I think I suddenly know the origin story behind the old dude in this:
Just then draco pulled out his wand and him and the vampie got into a big fight.
Which of course we’re not going to see, because why the fuck should we see the first piece of conflict in this whole involved rigmarole?
But DUmbledumdore came and broke it up
“Dumbledumdore”? When did he step into Wonderland?
“THAT’S IT” he shouted “You boys will cum have a talk with me in my office” and they left.
Finally. Can someone please talk sense into Edward Cullen here? He’s kind of turning into an extremely clingy shit.
So Dally had to go to the great hall by herself but then shadow came and joined her.
So when does Strdier show up? And when are the orcs gonna come and take her away?
“What is a pretty girl like you doing all b yourself in the great depression all alone?” he asked her
I dunno, probably bemoaning the fact that she has no money. You know, like everyone else in the Great Depression.
“well hiei is being an asshole!!” she said and cryed again.
Well, duh. Anyone who wants to marry you only because your mom will bestow superpowers among them deserves at least this:
Shadow put his paw on her leg and massajed her caressing “Its okay” he said “Its okay”
And Shadow decides that giving her a bad touch is the best way to comfort her.
Oh… kay, then.
Is nobody in this fic well?
Meanwhile hiei was updates punishing walls angerly! “WHY DID I HURT HER???” he aksed himself
The fact that you wanted to marry her for a completely selfish reason might have something to do with it, Hiei. Seriously, why are you punishing your walls, and how are you even expecting that to do anything, anyway?
and then he thaught of a soluble.
Why would you think about sodium chloride in this case?
“I will win her back” he said.
Wait, what? You thought you were together? Dude, you went from being acquaintances to wanting to marry her! There was never an intermediate stage where the two of you dated! Why are you trying to win her back? Shouldn’t you be thinking about winning her at all!?
Meanwhile Edward and Draco were upstairs in Dumbeldores house.
Upstairs? In Dumbledore’s house? Was it suspended above Hogwarts with a charm or something?
They were sitting on his bed cuz he said they were out of cars.
Well of course they don’t have any cars! The only car that came close to Hogwarts in the entire series was a magically enchanted car! I’m pretty sure that Dumbledore didn’t keep one of those cars, either, and even if he did why would he keep them upstairs right by his house?
“What do you think u punishment should be?” Dubledore asked paseing around he was wearing a black t-shirt and ripped Hollister jeans that showed off his mussles.
And when we weren’t looking, Dumbledore apparently turned into the equivalent of a hot motorcycle daddy? Wha…?
Edward grred, his sences were tingling… that something was not wrong.
His senses were tingling… even though he knew that something was not wrong.
You know what? It’s Edward Cullen. I’m not gonna ask why is thinking that nothing is wrong at all, and just concentrate on—
Suddenly dumbeldore put his hands on bot of their legs and said “I can think of something..”
“OMG you faggot!” draco screamed. He tried to run but he couldnot…..
Oh, right, I just remembered one of the big things that everybody hates about this fic: that Dumbledore is turned into a random child molester. Yes, apparently the author here actually latched on to the Word of God bit that Dumbledore was gay, and decided to run with that in one of the many ways to turn something into a trollfic.
You’ll notice everybody hates this part of the fic. And as much as I would like to say that I get the joke… honestly, as we get later in this fic, stuff happens with this plot line that really pisses me off. Which is remarkable considering that this is a trollfic, but apparently trollfics also have something that you can get legitimately pissed off at.
But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I’ll leave it off here.
I’ll see you guys next week, patrons. Bring the battering implements, you’ll need ‘em.