1050: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter Five

Title: Tangled: alternative story
Author: BionicDragonSpirit
Media: Movie
Topic: Tangled
Genre: Romance / Humor
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, everyone!  Welcome back to Monday.  Today we’re going to look at the next chapter of “Tangled: alternative story.”  Before we begin, let’s summarize what’s happened up to this point.  Hurf-Co sickness bags are available upon request.

Essentially, Rapunzel has captured Eugene/Flynn and kept him locked up in what we thought was her “Tiara Room.”  There’s a lot of pointless and bland talking.  Eventually Rapunzel tells Eugene that there’s a bed in the tiara room because this is where her parents do “adult” things that have never been explained to her in her 18 years of life.  Eugene then sleeps on her parents’ sticky love-bed, dreading that he’s going to be executed the next day.  No guards are ever called and he’s never moved to the dungeon where he should have gone.  In the morning, Rapunzel tells Eugene that, instead of killing him, she’s going to keep him, like a pet hamster or a living doll.  She tells him he’s going to be her bodyguard and tries to get a thief to dress in full plate armor, because she’s never played World of Warcraft and doesn’t realize that Rogues are restricted to wearing leather armor.

Let’s get to the next chapter!

Hey, Fifth chapter. Hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Refer to previous chapters.

We’re going to be subjected to this dumbness every chapter, aren’t we?

Oh, hey!  The author has learned how to insert <hr> line-break tags into her fics! *hands BDS a redemption cookie*

Flynn walked beside Rapunzel as she strolled around the village. He knew he could just ditch her here but he couldn’t get himself to walk away. He soon got bored and started to look around the village, noting down each and every stall that had stole things from. As they strolled down the markets, Rapunzel stopped by one to examine the fruits there. Flynn looked around, waiting for Rapunzel to finish when he spotted two big thugs.

That’s one hell of a lot of strolling and looking around-

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

So soon?  *sighs*

*grabs the sledgehammer and slams it into the DRD alarm, then waits patiently for the agents to arrive.*

DRD Agent: Madam Librarian, Ma’am, we’re here to investigate the recent alarm that alarmed us.

Oh, don’t worry about it.  It was malfunctioning.  Someone hit it with a sledgehammer.  *points to the broken alarm with her sledge*  If you hurry, you should be able to catch them.  I think they headed for the back door.

DRD Agent: Ten-four, understood.  Thank you, Ma’am, you have our thanks.

*Foot falls can be heard retreating down the corridor.  Lyle locks her office and sets the sledgehammer against the desk*  Now that that’s out of the way… where were we?  Oh yes!

Like a good little lap dog, Eugene is following Rapunzel around town.  If the mention of him recognizing shops he’s stolen from is any indication, he’s been here before.  Can anyone explain to me, again, how in the world he had no idea who Rapunzel was when he met her in the palace?  There’s a gaping plot hole here larger than the Guatemala Sinkhole.

Our plot, ladies and gentlemen.

Our plot, ladies and gentlemen.

The thugs spotted him and started to slowly walk towards him and Rapunzel. Alerted by this, he quickly called Rapunzel. “Hey, Rapunzel” said Flynn, his eyes never leaving sight of the thugs. “Yeah?” asked Rapunzel, looking up at Flynn. “We should go…” said Flynn, ready to sprint. “Why?” asked Rapunzel, straightening up. “Just… Never mind” said Flynn, pulling Rapunzel up to his back. “What are you doing?” asked Rapunzel, looking down at Flynn confused. “Get ready” said Flynn. “Wha-Whoa!” shouted Rapunzel, her arms tightening around Flynn as he sprinted off.

Is there no city watch around that they can call on?  Why is Rapunzel’s only guard Eugene?  This author has no idea how real royalty works.  I know Disney hasn’t exactly given everyone a great example of these things, but no princess would be allowed to go out and about without an escort of armed guards.  That aside, the other big problem with this is that they’re wandering through a marketplace, which is filled with people.  If this is the same Corona as the movie, these are people who adore Rapunzel.  If those two thugs would have dared to lay a single finger on their beloved princess, a mob would have formed and trampled the thugs before they could say more than “urf.”

“What are you doing!” shouted Rapunzel, her eyes shut and arms tightly secured around Flynn. Flynn looked back and saw the thugs chasing after him. He increased speed and accidentally ran into the forest. He sprinted past trees, trying his best to avoid hurting Rapunzel. He ducked and jumped as he trekked the forest. As he ran, a branch cut his arm, drawing blood.

*long, slow blink*

Did Eugene just kidnap Rapunzel?  Because that’s really how this looks.  He grabbed her without her permission, hoisted her onto his back (the physics of this is a little sketchy to me), and booked it like a lad being chased by sharky-sharky.  He just ran through town, across the bridge (Corona is an island for those unaware), and into the forest beyond with about 110 pounds of person flailing on his back.  And he did this accidentally?  How the fuck does that work?  You can’t just accidentally run into a forest when you have to cross both a town and a bridge to get there!  Why didn’t he head back to the castle where the other guards would have been able to lock the gate before the thugs reached them?

He soon sprinted into a clearing in the forest; he looked around and saw that he had lost the thugs. “Ok, we’re safe now” said Flynn, looking around while setting Rapunzel down. When Rapunzel’s feet touched the ground and he eyes opened, she hit Flynn in the chest multiple times, Flynn taking the hits. “What were you thinking?” shouted Rapunzel after she had finished her barrage of punches. “I was saving you” said Flynn, walking towards the river that was in the clearing. “Saving me?! You ran into a forest and now we’re stuck here!” said Rapunzel, gesturing at the forest around them.

Is it a one-way forest, a sort of Forest of No Return?  How are they stuck there?  Can’t they just circle back around and go home?  I do have to agree with Rapunzel on the “WTF Eugene” reaction.  At least that part is generally realistic.

“I know that, but we’re lucky we lost them” said Flynn, cupping some water in his hand. “Lost who?” asked Rapunzel. “Those thugs that were chasing us” said Flynn, pouring the water on his arm. Flynn instantly erupted into a loud shout as the water touched his wound. “Whoa! Are you alright?” asked Rapunzel, walking towards Flynn and sitting down next to him. “Yeah, I’m fine, just a little scratch that’s all” said Flynn, rolling up his sleeve. As he rolled it up, the wound became more apparent to Rapunzel.

Yes, because cold water on an open wound is excruciatingly painful.

Jenna-Marbles-Slow-Clap-Reaction-Gif

Is the river made of salt water? Or lemon juice?  Because I’ve always found that using cold water on a cut or scrape has this, you know, numbing effect which is does the opposite of making me scream bloody murder due to pain.

“Flynn, what happened?” asked Rapunzel, softly touching the wound.

Oh yes, Rapunzel.  Just jab your finger on his owie.  That’ll fix it.

“I think I cut myself on a branch when I ran” said Flynn, pouring another handful of water at the wound. Flynn hissed at the pain.

Maybe you should stop using The Acid River of Death to cleanse your wound if it’s causing this much pain.

“Stop! Here let me help” said Rapunzel, wrapping her hair around the wound. “Woah, Woah, Woah. What are you doing?” asked Flynn, pushing Rapunzel’s hands away. “I’m healing it” said Rapunzel, her hands returning to her original position. “You can’t heal with hair” said Flynn, bewildered at Rapunzel’s statement.

*hands Eugene a cookie*  I’m pleased with your appropriate reaction to the crazy woman wrapping her hair around your ouchie.

“Just watch” said Rapunzel. Flynn shut up and waited. Rapunzel then sang in her melodious voice:

Flower, gleam and glow

Let your power shine

Make the clock reverse

Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt

Change the fates’ design

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine

As Rapunzel sang, her hair started to glow, shocking Flynn. As soon as she finished her song, her hair stopped glowing and she looked up at Flynn’s bewildered face. She slowly unwrapped her hair from Flynn’s arm and new skin replaced the wound as if it had never happened. “H-Ho-How did you do that?” asked Flynn, looking at his arm with confusion. “I discovered it when I accidentally cut my hand trying to cook” said Rapunzel, looking at her hand, which Flynn supposed was the hand she cut.

Every princess needs a hobby, I guess.  It sounds like Rapunzel was left to her own devices often as a child so deciding to learn to cook wouldn’t be terribly out of the realm of possibilities for this particular AU.  What I don’t understand is how she learned the song that triggers the healing.  We’re ignoring the fact that her parents never cut her hair, allowing her to retain the magical properties in it that allows her to heal in the first place.  The real issue is how she learned the song.  Did she run to the library and quickly look up “How to stop a cut hand using my hair?”  She would have bled out before she found anything useful.

“And why’d you think that you hair could heal it?” asked Flynn, raising an eyebrow at her.

Holy hell, Eugene… Where did your sudden voice of reason come from?!  *gives him another cookie*

“I didn’t. The cut actually stayed with me for a few days until my hand got caught in my hair while I was combing it. Flynn was speechless after Rapunzel finished her explanation. Silence fell over them as they avoided eye contact. “By the way, who were those thugs that were chasing us?” asked Rapunzel, looking at Flynn, who returned the gaze.

*snatches the cookie back*  The next step in logic would have you asking how she knew about the song triggering the healing.  Instead he just accepts her brief explanation and they move right along.

“Probably some guys who wanted to kidnap you” lied Flynn. “Oh” said Rapunzel, the silence falling over them again. Flynn stood up and walked towards the forest. “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?” asked Rapunzel, chasing Flynn, who stopped in his track. “Getting fire wood” said Flynn, looking at Rapunzel. “Fire wood? We can just walk back, we’re not far off anyway… right?” said Rapunzel. “What do you think? I ran in here for almost an hour and found this place after. How far do you think we are?” said Flynn. “Very?” asked Rapunzel, squinting her eyes at Flynn. “Yes, very” said Flynn, starting to walk again.

tommy-lee-jones-no-country-old-men

Eugene just ran for over an hour with 110 pounds on his back.  Non-stop.  For. An. Hour.  Who the hell is this guy?!

Flynn soon disappeared slightly into the forest. “Hey!” If you’re going, I’m coming too!” shouted Rapunzel, running into the forest towards Flynn.

Well, yes.  Two people working on camp chores will make things go much more quickly.  And I don’t blame Rapunzel for wanting to stick close to a man who can sprint for an hour straight carrying that much weight.

Hey, and <hr> tag!  We must be at the end!

Hey guys, hope you liked it, R&R. Bye.

The author sounds about as enthusiastic in her farewell as I feel about having to read this fic.  Until next week, lovelies; don’t accidentally run into any forests.

Advertisements

10 Comments on “1050: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter Five”

  1. GhostCat says:

    He accidentally ran through town, over a bridge, and into a forest while carrying her on his back? That’s how the author decided to get the two alone in the woods like they are in the film?

    I’ve seen contrived plot devices before, but … Damn.

    • "Lyle" says:

      This thing reeks of a jumping shark.

      • GhostCat says:

        It’s like the author really wants to write an AU fic, but only if she can make it follow the original as closely as possible.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        It’s a classic case of, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” In this case, it’s a different setting with somewhat regurgitated plot from the original.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      And the Directorate didn’t even believe me when I explained how I’d accidentally cyborged the populations of a few small Central European countries.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Did they catch you laughing insanely in the middle of it? That kind of thing tends to give you away.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Also, if they ran through the forest for an hour, couldn’t they just walk back the way they came in somewhat more time? It’s never indicated that they are actually lost, and indeed Rapunzel seems to know more or less where Corona is.

    • GhostCat says:

      That does kind of mesh with the source materials, though. Flynn/Eugene escaped from the palace and stumbled upon Rapunzel’s tower relatively quickly, but it took them forever to get back to the palace.

  3. TacoMagic says:

    What I don’t understand is how she learned the song that triggers the healing.

    I actually asked the same question when Mother Gothel sang the song in the movie. Honestly, how the crap did she figure that out!?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, there at least she was a witch who it could be assumed knew a lot about magic and could run through… whatever one does to derive a spell like this normally, I’m imagining her leafing through the Golden God Flower API, locating the appropriate header runes, and then compiling eight thousand lines of Incant v. 1.6.4 down into what we see in the movie.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s