1048: Bleached – Oneshot

Title: Bleached
Author: iamAdisco
Media: Manga/Anime
Topic: Bleach
Genre: Supernatural/Adventure
URL: Bleached
Critiqued by Contacts, Sir Paulo Rori and Sir Aster Damein

Contacts: Are you sure you’re still good for this, man?

Paulo: In truth, because so much time has gone by since the last time I was here, I have discovered that I’ve reverted back to my prior discomfort. I fear I may have forgotten how “riffing” works.

Contacts: Nah bro, trust me, you don’t just forget how to riff. It’s one of those skills you learn that never goes away once you learn it. Like thievery!

Paulo: Does the “ah-fee-dah-vit” you made me sign stating that I fully understand that I am not permitted to do bodily harm to my fellow riffers still stand, knowing now that I sit in the company of a thief?

Contacts: Yes. It’s contractually binding, so I can sue you if you go against it. Also, it’s “affidavit.”

Paulo: I thought that the terms of the signing were unusually expectant of violent discrepancies.

Contacts: You can never be too sure around here…

Paulo: Perhaps we might proceed with the riff?

Contacts: Yeah, sure. So! I’m doing a riff today! On my own. Mostly unsupervised. Because people TRUST me or something. I mean, I’ve got Paulo from the Princess Mononoke riff here with me, and an old busy of his, but-

Paulo: I beg your pardon?

Contacts: You remember your old platoon-mate Aster?

Paulo: He was perhaps my closest friend throughout Page training, and on the battlefield, he was as fine a knight as any man beneath our Captain’s rank could hope to be. If I had to stand beside any man in battle again, I would prefer it be him if no other options existed.

Contacts: Oh, good! Because he’s sitting right next to you and you somehow didn’t notice.

*Paulo blinks and turns to face Aster*

Sir Aster Damein, ladies and gentlemen.

Sir Aster Damein, ladies and gentlemen.

Aster: Well met, Rori. My thanks for your kind words and praise. I like to hope that I was as good a knight as I could afford to be in my position.

Paulo, pleasantly surprised: Well met, Aster! It’s good to see that you’re well after all these years. Well… Perhaps not as well as last I saw you. I don’t believe you were quite so scar-riddled the last time we spoke.

Aster: It comes with the territory of being the commander of a private brigade sworn to the service of a Count who people don’t seem to value very much. I understand now why the Count’s Gardalíse have such exacting standards for their recruits.

Contacts: While they’re busy catching up, I’ll just go ahead and explain a bit about Bleach. It’s a manga and anime by Tite Kubo, and as far as I know, it’s still ongoing. The reason I’M taking this riff on instead of that SC guy is because, according to him – and I quote…

*Contacts pulls out a note from SC and begins reading*

Contacts:If you were to ask me what all I know of Bleach, my answer would probably be that like 90% of the female cast have obnoxiously huge tits and there’s a lot of bullshit sword fights and filler episodes. Honestly, I tried to get into Bleach – I honest-to-God tried. But like with many super popular anime these days, the story started out as a captivating tale about a guy who can see ghosts suddenly becoming wrapped up in the inner workings of the afterlife, and then took a turn down Dragonball Z Lane and became a power level pissing match – if the heroes aren’t curb-stomping the enemy of the week, then the enemy of the week is making them all look bad and setting them back a year or something so that they can train up to a NEW THRESHOLD OF POWER PREVIOUSLY UNHEARD OF IN THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT and then come back and destroy the guy, rinse leather repeat ad infinitum.

*Contacts folds up SC’s note and slides it in a drawer*

Contacts: So, the job was left to me. Even though I also know basically nothing about Bleach. Thankfully, that SC guy was kind enough to leave like a million wiki pages open for me to use as a buffer for my lack of information orientation, so I’m not completely in the dirt. To start with, you have your protagonist, Ichigo Kurosaki –

This guy.

This guy.

Contacts: He’s the guy who sees ghosts. His mom died in a tragic accident, and his dad’s a dweeb, and his two sisters are… less than supportive, so he’s kind of pissy most of the time. Ichigo meets this chick one night, named Rukia Kuchiki-

You know, this lady.

You know, this lady.

Contacts: She’s a Shinigami, which is, if I’m not mistaken, a death god according to Japanese mythology. Her job, according to Bleach, is to usher the good souls into the afterlife, while also hunting down the jackass souls and forcibly purifying them so that she can usher their newly-purified selves into the afterlife as well. Rukia sneaks into Ichigo’s house on a mission, under the assumption that she’s invisible, and promptly gets decked by Ichigo, who can very clearly see her. After much shock and confusion, and an attempt at explaining things that goes right the hell over Ichigo’s head, terror strikes the Kurosaki household in the form of a GOD DAMN HOLLOW, which are basically one of the worst possible things.

And they look ugly as balls.

And they look ugly as balls.

There’s a reason I say “one”: as the series goes on, there come plenty more terrible things in the Hollows’ stead. Anyhow, shit happens and Ichigo is suddenly transomed into a Shinigami himself because Rukia does a transfer of her powers, which cripples her to human levels and splits Ichigo’s soul from his body (connected by a chain to show that he isn’t actually dead yet), thereby allowing him to fight the Hollow, so long as, you know, it doesn’t sever his soul from his body, because otherwise the chain eats away at itself and slowly turns Ichigo into a Hollow as well. That’s an important plot point in later chapters, though, so I kind of just spoiled a bit of it. And pretty much after chapter one, the story stops being this interesting take and goes full Enemy of the Week and Power Level Face-Off mode, with the added benefit(?) of basically every female character introduced after Rukia and Ichigo’s sisters having enormous breasts, save for like a few rare instances. At some point, fanservice stops being quirky and becomes really gross, but let’s not say that to Tite Kubo.

Paulo: Would it have done you any great harm to inform us that you had begun?

Contacts: You looked busy! I didn’t want to interrupt you.

Aster: Hand over the stolen contents of our purses, at once.

Contacts: God damn it, and here I thought I was being smooth. By the way, I forgot to ask – Gardalíse? Was the Count trying to be fancy when he named his guard force?

Aster: Yes.

Paulo: …Would it be blunt of me to inform you that he has not exactly succeeded in his aim?

Aster: Not in the slightest.

Contacts: In any event, I’m done explaining shit. I can probably find info on the wiki if I absolutely HAVE to go into further detail. Let’s get going already.

Bleached

Contacts: People tell me that I did that to my hair. To those people, I say: fuck you! I’m a natural blonde, you fucking pricks!

Chapter 1: Prologue

Contacts: Okay, usually it’s fanfiction.net’s fault when this happens, but in this case, it is legitimately the author’s fault. You can’t have both, author, pick one and stick with it.

Disclaimer: me owning nor earning. Tite Kubo is the master. Bow to him.

Paulo: I beg your pardon?

Aster: Would you care to repeat that? Preferably in a language I fluently speak?

Contacts: Why do I get the feeling that Booky is chucking bricks at authors again…?

Summary: Ichigo was tired.

Contacts: Cool, good talk.

Paulo: Short and direct. I appreciate that.

But his purpose wasn’t fulfilled.

Contacts: Damn it.

Paulo: I should have known better than to hope…

A tale of loss, time travel, and hopefully with a happy ending.

Aster: “Hopefully?” That does not leave me with good thoughts.

Inspired a lot from Swinging Pendulum by cywscross. But as that idiot(sorry, but I am mad at that bitch, no offence)

Contacts: Let me go ahead and just finish that: this author is pissed that the other author whose story this fic is based on stopped updating their fic, so they decided to write their own take on the original. As the track record has so far shown, this has led to nothing short of disaster.

Paulo: Ready blades?

Aster: Indeed.

*Paulo and Aster cautiously draw their swords*

Zanpakotu speech will be in cursive.

Contacts: Which is not a font option that exists on fanfiction.net, so suck it, author. I probably should at least italicize it, though…

Paulo: “Zanpakotu?”

Contacts: That’s actually supposed to be Zanpakuto, which are the main weapons of Bleach. They tend to have mystical qualities, of the “rend the land asunder” variety.

Paulo: So it is yet more to do with magic, then. Lovely. And here I thought that was only limited to the other riff I am involved with.

Contacts: It’s okay, I’m not big on the whole magic thing either. I’m more of a darkstep kind of guy.

Aster: “Darkstep?”

Contacts: It’s this thing I do that helped me get really good as a thief. I’d love to explain more, but the last time I was careless about it, the guys who taught me the trick executed me in cold blood. Sooo, only people I’m around all the time are allowed to know, and only as long as they can keep a secret.

Aster: Funny, you look quite Alice for a murdered man.

Contacts: It’s complicated, you wouldn’t understand. Probably has something to do with magic, I don’t fucking know.

The horns of war were broken. The Fake Karakura town was turned into rubble. Soul Society was demolished. Everything was destroyed.

Contacts: Well, we’re off to a brilliant start!

Paulo: Ah yes, I very dearly wished to harken back to my days on the battlefield, when stepping over carcasses and rubble indiscriminately was the only way one could get around in any reasonable amount of time during and after skirmishes.

Aster: Such lovely, er… Happy. Times. Those were? At least, to the insane warmongers of our lot, in any event.

Contacts: I know a guy who’s probably seen a lot worse shit than this.

Paulo: Would you then be acquainted with that Monocle character?

Contacts: Oh, so you’ve actually met the guy, too? My condolences.

Paulo: He was quite loud and very violent, and my ears were ringing like miniscule church bells for days afterwards.

Contacts: You get used to it.

The culprit of all this was on his knees in front of the supposed protector, coughing up blood. The orange- haired protector stood in front of him, staring impassively at the despicable man. The man coughed again, a lot more vigorously.

Contacts: Ichigo done fucked a guy up.

Aster: In my experience, once you find yourself expelling blood from your windpipe, you are more or less dead before you realize it.

” You…have lost, Kurosaki Ichigo.” the man with a broken body forced out. “I may be dying, but it is you who truly lost.” Aizen mocked.

Uh... wasn't there a thing SC did here... ah, whatever. Fuck you, Aizen.

Uh… wasn’t there a thing SC did here… ah, whatever. Fuck you, Aizen.

Contacts: God, even when he’s dying the asshole is smug as hell. Oh by the way, Aizen is the main protagonist for a long time, as far as I know. He used to be a fairly high-ranking Shinigami captain, but then he and some other captains turned traitor and joined the Arrancars, who are one of the villain groups in Bleach, and the biggest nuisance for a while. I think. At least, that’s what the wiki is telling me, what of it I’m actually bothering to read.

Paulo: Is there a difference between Shinigami and their captains, or is it purely rank-associated?

Contacts: Uh, regular Shinigami are a pain in the ass to deal with, but can be handled if you are strong enough, whereas their captains will thoroughly ruin you, and it’s lucky if you ever get anywhere close to their level, let alone match them in strength entirely. Ichigo is kind of the exception to the rule because he’s the main protagonist, so he has to be able to whoop ass at the drop of a hat.

Paulo: So there is very much a difference, then. I see now.

“Your family and friends are all dead. But you knew that didn’t you Ichi-kun? After all, you were there when they died, not being able to do anything while I killed them. Did you know, before you came to see them take their last breathes, I had the opportunity of listening to the music of their screams. Your blonde sister, what was her name? Ah, Yuzu. Did you know how she screamed when I had my way with her while your father and other sister watched? It was music-“

Contacts: Aizen teaches villainous moustache-twirling classes on the weekends, in case you didn’t know.

Aizen’s tirade was cut short as Ichigo finally freed the three worlds from his presence by beheading him.

Paulo: I would not have let him speak if he was in a position of defeat; my blade would have simply removed his head before he could find the words.

Contacts: Yeah, well, Ichigo has to be a bit dramatic. What can you do.

“Shut up, you vile fucker, I said SHUT UP!”

Contacts: Well, so-rry, Sensitive Suzy.

Ichigo shouted.

Aster: You really must stop antagonizing the boy.

Contacts: But it’s so fun!

[And yet I’m an asshole whenever I do it? -Sports Shades]

” I… think he’s incapable of speaking as of now. ” came from a haggard voice behind Ichigo. The orange haired man turned around fast enough to get whiplash.

Contacts: Ooh, that’s not good for your neck, bro.

Paulo: Could you imagine if he had been wearing a helm when he acted as he did?

Aster: Someone would be suffering from a very foul concussion right at this moment.

Contacts: See, I thought you guys were about to say that the helm’s weight would break Ichigo’s neck.

Paulo: Our helms were not very well designed when Aster and I were knights.

Aster: The one who created them intended them more as status symbols than actual protective headgear. It is truly a wonder any of us walked home from the battlefield alive after the war. We had to commission local civilian blacksmiths to make appropriate helms whenever we found a moment of peace to do so.

Contacts: You’d think your kingdom would take better precautions towards protecting their soldiers…

Paulo: Well, they were corrupt and fame-spoiled, save for His Majesty and the Commandant. I suppose I could not have expected much from them.

” Kisuke?! Are you alive? You’re hurt! C’mon let’s get you to the 4th division! Don’t you dare faint now!” Ichigo said frantically.

How does he- oh yeah! O hai, Kisuke!

How does he- oh yeah! O hai, Kisuke!

Contacts: Kisuke’s, uh… He’s a guy… Who’s important…

[Oh for fuck’s sake. I give you the wiki to utilize for the riff and you’re just sitting there making an ass out of yourself.

Fine, fuck it, I’ll pretend that I have a passing knowledge of Bleach if it means saving this train wreck.

Kisuke Urahara, better known simply by his surname, is a major character in Bleach. In particular, he was the one who oversaw Ichigo’s Shinigami training during the early chapters, when Ichigo undertook the rescue operation to save Rukia from execution at the hands of her fellow Shinigami due to her unauthorized transfer of Shinigami power unto a human soul.

Since his exile from Soul Society, the home base of the Shinigami and Bleach’s rendition of what heaven is for the souls of the departed, Urahara lives undercover in the human world as a curio shop owner, selling Shinigami necessities out the back. He was previously captain of the Shinigami’s Twelfth Division, and before that, Third Seat of the Second Division under command of ex-captain Yoruichi Shihōin –

O hai, Yoruichi!

O hai, Yoruichi!

– who is also a major character, and was also exiled and lives undercover in the guise of a black cat at his shop. By proxy, Urahara was also affiliated with the Onmitsukidō, as the Second Division works closely with the stealth unit. Yoruichi’s unit has since been taken over by new captain Suì-Fēng –

O hai, Suì-Fēng! (Or Soi-Fon, depending on the translation.)

O hai, Suì-Fēng! (Or Soi-Fon, depending on the translation.)

– who is a closet fangirl for Yoruichi. And that’s about all I know about her.

There, now that looks a bit less shitty, doesn’t it? -SC]

” I-I’m sorry Ichi-chan, but I am afraid that my time is up.

Contacts: *Urahara* “I forgot to turn in my library book. The Librarian Division is gonna break my knees.

Aster: For shame.

Paulo: Such carelessness would get you expelled from many a Paladin Order, or so I’ve heard from former comrades who were inducted into them.

Aster: Truly? Which of our former comrades were inducted into Paladin Orders? I’m afraid I’ve not kept as well in touch as we all promised to do when last we parted ways at the end of the war.

Paulo: Well, you recall that I was promoted to the King’s Elite Guard, which I later learned was a pseudo-Paladin Order, so I suppose I count for one. As I somewhat vaguely recall, Gorvas and Paldra were accepted into the Order of the Blade’s Mercy, who are rather renowned for their non-lethal methods; and I believe Saeran, Yurell and Corvess were all taken in by the Order of the Holy Sun. Speaking of which, I happen to know four other agents of that Order, and from what they tell me, individuals such as myself are seen with high regard whether we’re inducted or not – so I imagine they have only the highest complements for our entire platoon.

Aster: I’ll have to make it a point to visit these Orders, then.

Contacts: This joke couldn’t have been derailed any harder if we tried.

[Pfft. You should see Delta and I get going on Facebook. -SC]

Here, take this.” the shop keeper replied weakly while shoving a small box into Ichigo’s hands.

“Don’t be stupid, and don’t call me that! What is thi-why the fuck is it glowing?!

Contacts: This is pretty close to what I often say during my more hectic jobs, when I have no idea what I’m stealing and don’t really have the luxury to stop and look.

Kisuke? Kisuke!” the hybrid exclaimed.

“Sorry Ichi-chan, for making you do this. But I am too weak to relive this life… and too weak to deal with Aizen-san.

Contacts: That’s fine, Aizen’s dead already. And trust me, reliving a life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I die a LOT, man.

Paulo: Are you a Halland?

Contacts: Am I a what now?

Paulo: From what I’ve heard, they’re an ancient and powerful family of wizards who have discovered a way to transcend death itself.

Contacts: Well, let’s just say that I’m LIKE a Halland, then, and leave it at that.

I am sorry for doing this to you, I truly am. But you are the only one who can do this. Fix this, Ichigo, and hopefully you’ll be able to live happily ever after.” the scientist said.

Contacts: Okay, make up your mind. Is he a scientist or a shopkeeper?

[Technically, he’s both, if I’m going by the wiki correctly. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not, though. -SC]

“What the fuck are you saying?! Kisuke? Kisuke! OH, FUCK!” Ichigo shouted once again.

Contacts: Oh, I guess Urahara died. Oh, what a… uh… tragedy. Or it would have been if I was given any reason to feel sorry for the guy other than, “he’s an important character who got killed by Aizen, which would not be the first time Aizen’s killed an important character.” I dunno, maybe hardcore Bleach fans would read this and flip a bitch, but I’m one of those guys who requires a bit more reason to feel things than simply a name I’m familiar with.

Around him the world was whirling. Kisuke was long gone, and Ichigo was seeing several scenes playing out, but they were all to fast to comprehend. Finally he began to notice that the box was seeping his reiatsu, and even though he wanted to let it go, he couldn’t.

Aster: Have you ever had one of those strange dreams where it feels as though you are floating aimlessly in a whirlwind and are physically incapable of making sense of the world because everything is flying about too quickly to comprehend?

Paulo: Yes, and it is what I feel at this moment.

Contacts: So that word Reiatsu… I don’t know what it is.

[*Sigh* Reiatsu and Reiryoku are codependent of each other. Reiryoku is the spiritual energy stored in a soul, and Reiatsu is the pressure exerted by that energy. They are also combative towards each other, in that having one more powerful than the other is often a deciding factor in battles – if you have a weak Reiryoku versus a strong Reiatsu, the Reiatsu wins; conversely, if you have a weak Reiatsu versus a strong Reiryoku, the Reiryoku wins. Shinigami (read: Gods of the Dead who guide the souls of the fallen to the afterlife and protect the souls of the living from the souls of the dead that lost their way and became demons – which the Shinigami seek to purify so that they may also be guided to the afterlife), Arrancar (read: Demon lords), Quincy (read: Demon slayers who cause far more harm than good) and Bounts (read: Vampires) all have the power to manipulate their Reiatsu as a form of attack. If you took even two fucking seconds to look it up on the wiki, you’d know this, you God damn plebe. -SC]

The orange haired man whose reiatsu hadn’t been that drained even after a month of starvation at the hands of Aizen while he was under his TLC, was surprised to find himself losing consciousness.

Contacts: TLC? I love that channel! Either of you guys get a chance to see that show Say Yes to the Dress before you came in?

Paulo: In truth, a close aunt of mine was at one point a wedding gown seamstress. When I was a boy, I would help her about her shop during seasons where romance was especially high in people’s minds. The dresses on that show were lovely, but I do wish the brides-to-be would have had more of the courage to tell their entourages to pipe down. Opinions of the wedding party are valuable, but not every opinion is needed, per se.

Contacts: Yeah, I know. It gets pretty obnoxious sometimes.

Aster: You know, my sister was recently married, Paulo.

Paulo: To that boy Barda?

Aster: Quite. And he was as shy about the wedding as he was when he first proposed to her, bless his gentle soul.

[Son of a-! You all just started talking about TLC so that you could duck the meat of the paragraph and not have to make yourselves look like total shitheads for not knowing what the fic was talking about, didn’t you?! -SC]

But he didn’t fight against it. Instead he welcomed the blackness. After all, he was so tired…

Contacts: See, when I welcome the darkness, it’s usually because I’m about to move really, really fast from point A to point B. Because, you know, darkstepping.

Paulo: How fast do you mean exactly?

Contacts: Go flip that light switch off over there, and then immediately turn it back on.

*Paulo does as instructed; in the half-second moment of pitch darkness in the riffing chamber, Contacts suddenly disappears from his seat and is nowhere to be seen*

Aster: Where-?

Contacts: Up here.

*Paulo and Aster look up to the ceiling and are shocked to see Contacts hanging upside-down from a rafter beam, looking somewhat unamused*

Contacts: Admittedly, this is one instance where I probably could have stood to aim a little bit better before I moved…

Paulo: I would ask how that was possible, but I summer the answer to be related to magic.

Contacts: Oh yeah. Ancient. And by the way, I hope you realize that this little demonstration is probably going to get me executed by the people who taught it to me again, so thanks for that.

Aster: How do you plan on getting back dow-?

*As Aster speaks his question, Contacts suddenly splays his arms out to his sides and unhooks his legs, dropping back-first to the floor with a sickening crunch; a moment later, he respawns back in his seat*

Contacts: I suppose immortality isn’t all bad. I probably didn’t need that spine anyhow.

Aster: …I may be violently ill now.

§ An infinite amount of time later§

Contacts: Really? That’s how you mark your scene changes? Some weird-looking symbol and a “Meanwhile, At The Hall Of Justice”-type transition announcement? I mean, I guess points for not going with something really dumb like what Matty does, but…

[I tried looking up that symbol’s meaning and couldn’t find anything. I guess the internet doesn’t know, either. -SC]

“Hey, Kingsy. Wake up!”

The orange haired man twitched.

“Hey, WAKE THE FUCK UP!”Ichigo’s zanpakotu/hollow Shiro (zanpahollow?) shouted from inside his mind.

Contacts: Wow, r00d.

Paulo: Zanpahollow?

Contacts: Fake-ass term the author came up with because he couldn’t be bothered to remember the actual terminology, if there was one.

[For the curious, Shiro is Ichigo’s Zanpakutō spirit, Zangetsu. Zangetsu is also the manifestation of Ichigo’s inner Hollow, due to Ichigo’s hybrid nature. It’s known by many other names on the wiki, but the author has decided to use the simply-put title, “Shiro Ichigo” (White Ichigo) for the sake of this fic. -SC]

Ichigo just twitched again. Shiro sighed, annoyed with his wielder.

Aster: Weren’t there old stories passed about the barracks of a sword imbued with the soul of an ancient king who would only allow his powers to be wielded by one who was truly worthy?

Paulo: If there were, I was like as not ignoring them because they sounded like fairy tales to me.

Beside him, Ichigo’s manifestation of his Quincy powers, Yhwach, shoved his fingers in his ears, which proved to be wise as Shiro began to scream bloody murder.

Contacts: How very prudent of him.

[Ichigo is part Quincy, too? Oh for fuck’s sake! And people wonder why I was incapable of keeping up with Bleach!

Anyhow, uh, Yhwach is actually his own person; he’s the progenitor and emperor of all Quincy. And he’s also kind of a dick. The personification of Ichigo’s Quincy powers is just Zangetsu taking a form very, very similar in appearance to Yhwach from 1,000 years ago, is all. -SC]

“HEY, KINGSY, WAKE UP, YA FUCKING LAZY-ASS MOANIN’ BITCH!”

Contacts: Language, mister!

Aster: Did that not bring back just the fondest memories of Dreiz for you?

Paulo: A foul mouth to match his foul attitude…

This time Ichigo just grumbled a low “Shaddup!” and continued to sleep.

Contacts: Okay, forget what I said about the language, pipe on the insults man.

At this point, Shiro looked like someone had just told him pizza was the worst thing ever, i. e completely baffled and scandalised,

Contacts: See, if anybody ever told that to me, I’d just kill them.

[Same. -SC]

[Ditto. -Sports Shades]

[*Nodding intensifies* -Book Specs]

[Uh huh. -Glasses]

[They’d be shot before they got the words out. -Shades]

[One of those times I wish the blade on my sword was longer for when I stuff it down their throats. -Specs]

[THE PIZZA NAYSAYERS SHALL BE SLAIN! -Monocle]

[What are we talking about? -Bifocals]

and Yhwach was trying (unsuccessfully) not to laugh at this particular expression. Shiro turned to Yhwach with fire in his eyes.

“I can’t believe it! The idiot lands himself in a shit load of trouble, which is nothing new, by the courtesey of Kisuke Urahara, which is again, nothing new, and all he does is sleep?!” the hollow exclaimed.

Contacts: Well he really wouldn’t like us, then. We get into shitloads of terrible on a regular basis.

Paulo: We do?

Contacts: Not “we,” as in the riffers, I’m talking about “we,” as in the Specs and Co. Which I am a part of.

Aster and Paulo: Oooh.

Yhwach looked amused, but decided that yes, it was time to wake their wielder up.

So he sighed, and after mumbling something about unruly kids he said “I will wake Ichigo up. No need to be so angry, Shiro.”

“Oh, yeah? You know he sleeps like a log when he has the chance to.” Shiro replied with a skeptical expression.

Contacts: Sounds a bit like Glasses on the weekends.

[It’s so true… -Glasses]

Yhwach’s eyes darkened a little at the reminder of their wielder hardships, and Shiro clenched his fists.

Contacts: He’s just sleeping, how bad could that honestly be?

Aster: Apparently, quite so.

Paulo: Criminally so, by the sounds of it.

After a long pause, Yhwach finally said “That may be true, but now is not the time to think about that. It seems like Urahara did something good for once. We are back in the past, and we have a chance to stop Aizen before he becomes that..thing.”

Contacts: What, an Arrancar? Uh, I’m pretty sure it was too late for that by the time Ichigo first became a Shinigami.

Paulo: What is an Arrancar?

Contacts: As far as I know, they’re really powerful Hollows. Beyond that, I have no clue.

[Me-time again, huh? Aaaaalrighty then…

An Arrancar, according to Bleach canon, is a Hollow who has ripped their bone mask off and obtained Shinigami-esque powers. The word itself is Spanish for “to tear off,” and Japanese (Arankaru) for “ripped mask.” This is a common theme of Tite Kubo’s, using words from different languages that mean almost the exact same thing in Japanese.

Arrancar and Hollows are one in the same, in that most of them were souls who became lost for so long that their soul chains devoured themselves, leaving a gaping hole where their soul used to be, thus transforming them into monsters. Difference is, Hollows were strong enough to take on a super-powerful hybrid form of their own design, and therefore, they command the Hollows as their soldiers.

Aizen, along with some other Shinigami captains, were special cases where they were already Shinigami, turned rogue and defected, turned themselves into Hollows by way of a device known as a Hōgyoku (“crumbling orb”), then ripped their masks off and turned themselves into Arrancar. Their goal is to take down Soul Society, because Aizen’s a dick.

As a final bit of trivia, where the Quincy are heavily German-themed, the Arrancar are heavily Spanish-themed.

And that’s about all you need to know about that! -SC]

Shiro was quiet for a while before he spoke

“You’re right, as usual. Wake him, o professional alarm clock”

Yhwach twitched at the insult before he sent his “wake-up call” to Ichigo. “Ichigo, Captain Shunsui is here..”

The reaction from Ichigo was immediate; “Huh, Shunsui?! Where, what, why, how and…old man, I hate you!”

Contacts: Captain Shunsui is another name that I assume is popular, but don’t recognize.

[Cou… Could you put like two seconds of effort into your research? Just, for once in your life?

Ugh.

Captain Kyōraku Shunsui –

O hai, Shunsui!

O hai, Shunsui!

– is the captain of the First Division and Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13 (the thirteen Shinigami Divisions, duh), and previously was captain of the Eighth Division. He obtained control of the Gotei 13 after former Captain-Commander Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto –

Posthumous o hai, Yamamoto!

Posthumous o hai, Yamamoto!

– is murdered in combat by Yhwach, who he had encountered once one thousand years ago and was incapable of defeating, which makes his death a really unfortunate déjà vù situation.

Honestly, I’m starting to get burned out on doing Contacts’ homework for him, so I’ll let you look up more details on the guy on the wiki for yourself if you want. -SC]

Meanwhile, Shiro was laughing his ass off. “Th-that was the key? Oh, man, I’m going to have so much fun with this.”

Ichigo scowled and grudgingly asked the two of them.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it off, would ya? Anyway, Old man, where the fuck are we, what the fuck is happening and why in the seven hells am I laying on a futon?”

Contacts: I thought he was on the ground, but leave it to the author to not really describe anything well enough for me to figure it out otherwise.

Aster: It took Yhwach saying they were in the past for me to even realize they were in the past, so I understand your frustration.

Both of the spirits paused. “Uh..Kingsy, what is the last thing you remember?”

The famous scowl was back. “What do you mean ‘what do I remember?’ The last thing I remember is Kisuke shoving a box to me, and rambling about second chances…oh, please tell me he didn’t?”

“He did. He sent you back in time, Kingsy,” Shiro replied very (un)helpfully.

Paulo: How was that unhelpful? It told Ichigo exactly what had transpired.

Contacts: Maybe it was unhelpful because Ichigo didn’t want to hear it?

Paulo: I do not count that as a plausible excuse.

Ichigo . A trip back in time. Now what, Kisuke?

Contacts: Shenanigans.

So… what do y’all think? My first fanfic, be a little kind :)

Contacts: “Be kind.” Oh please. This story sucked. If you were trying to do the previous fic any justice, you’ve failed just as badly as ever other author in the Library who’s based their fic off of somebody else’s fic. Yes, I did just put you in the same corner as that scumbag EclipsePheniox, amongst others. Anyhow, the fic’s over, so I’ma go take a na-

*Paulo and Aster draw their respective swords and simultaneously disembowel Contacts*

Paulo: Unfortunately for him, dear audience, the affidavit only held power until this very point. And he had the nerve to steal from the both of us again, so in the honest truth of the matter, he had that coming.

Aster: Next time he should remember not to leave such gaping loopholes in his schemes.

[I’ll kill him again when he respawns for making me do all the work for him, even though it wasn’t supposed to be my riff, the little bastard. But in the meantime, see you next time! -SC]

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29 Comments on “1048: Bleached – Oneshot”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    § An infinite amount of time later§

    Contacts: Really? That’s how you mark your scene changes? Some weird-looking symbol and a “Meanwhile, At The Hall Of Justice”-type transition announcement? I mean, I guess points for not going with something really dumb like what Matty does, but…

    [I tried looking up that symbol’s meaning and couldn’t find anything. I guess the internet doesn’t know, either. -SC]

    I’ve seen it used as an abbreviation for “section” in legal documents, and it is an escape character used in Minecraft’s JSON formatting. The English term for it is “section sign”, making its use in a scene break strangely appropriate, and it has the Unicode designation U+00A7.

    Do I need to get out more?

  2. GhostCat says:

    Chapter 1: Prologue

    :screams in incoherent rage and storms out of the room:

    BIFOCALS! Where do you keep the comically-oversized anime weapons?

    • SC says:

      Bifocals: They are in the third cabinet to the left. Why?

      • GhostCat says:

        :flings open cabinet door:

        :selects Reciprocating Mace:

        I’m going borrow this for my lecture on the difference between a prologue and the first chapter.

      • SC says:

        Bifocals: But that one is only a prototype.

        …What.

        Bifocals: I haven’t installed the impact-activated acoustic soundeave emitters yet.

        Just. Stop. Talking.

  3. GhostCat says:

    Disclaimer: me owning nor earning.

    Me thinking you missing.

  4. GhostCat says:

    Aster: Funny, you look quite Alice for a murdered man.

    Contacts’ name is Alice?

  5. GhostCat says:

    *As Aster speaks his question, Contacts suddenly splays his arms out to his sides and unhooks his legs, dropping back-first to the floor with a sickening crunch; a moment later, he respawns back in his seat*

    Contacts: I suppose immortality isn’t all bad. I probably didn’t need that spine anyhow.

    :nudges Contacts’ still-warm corpse with the toe of her boot:

    You know you have to clean this up, right? Preferably before sensei spots it and decides to help himself to a few spare parts.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      And… uhmmm… there’s no easy way to say this, but one of the Level Upsilon personnel seems to have pilfered the resurrection technology I recovered from that Joan of Arc ‘fic, so we miiiiiight, have a bit of a replication problem on our hands.

      • SC says:

        It’s not like Contacts hasn’t had to kill an evil twin before. He’ll be fine.

        …Maybe.

      • TacoMagic says:

        That might explain where Chadze came from, actually.

        “I am entirely convinced that I am the genuine article and that other reprobate is the evil clone.”

        That’s totally something an evil clone would say.

        “Go fornicate with yourself, Taco.”

      • SC says:

        One wields guns of all calibers and dresses like she’s in the Matrix…

        The other one is a Victorian-era lady.

        Hmm.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        I fail to see the difference.

  6. "Lyle" says:

    Talk about a chapter where almost nothing actually happens. And waking up in the Formless Void certainly is icing on the cake.

    • SC says:

      And to think, this was based on another fic.

      How bad was the original, then, if this is an “improvement?”

      • GhostCat says:

        It’s the Onion of Failure!

        Although in this case it’s more like a Pearl of Failure where each successive fic builds up another gleaming layer of failure until a precious jewel of absolute suckage is pried out of the Internet’s damp and twitching maw.

        … That analogy kind of got away from me at the end there.

      • SC says:

        I still got it, though.

        Even if I did need rubber gloves and a hazmat suit.

  7. agigabyte says:

    Something is different…

  8. TacoMagic says:

    Aster: Funny, you look quite Alice for a murdered man.

    Seems more Elizabeth to me. Maybe even Betty-ish.


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