1047: The Spider and The Panda – Chapter 1Posted: May 15, 2015
Standard greetings, dearest Patrons!
I’m here with another fic from my “strangest crossovers” collection! It has been languishing in the Pile-o-Fail for a while now, so it is finally being brought into the light of day.
What are the canons that this particular author felt deserved to be blended together like a bargain-basement smoothie? The Spider-Man franchise and Kung Fu Panda.
Go ahead, let that sink in for a minute. Really let it marinate in your brain. Let me show you what the summary looks like;
What if Po got bit by a ‘certain’ spider. What would happen to him and the Furious Five, well you have to read to find out! : Po x Tigress
Pretty inoffensive as far as summaries go. Not much there to go on, but at least Po isn’t going to be hooking up with everyone’s favorite wall-crawler. Swenia will be disappointed that there isn’t any slash, though.
Hey peps here’s my new story called The Spider and The Panda
Ff.net lets you put a title on the post, you don’t have to echo it in the chapter. I clicked on the title to get to this chapter, so I already know what the fic is called.
I don’t own even a toenail of Kung Fu Panda or Spider-Man themes
I’m not as musically inclined as my good friend and colleague Herr W., but I’m almost positive that themes aren’t scored in toenails.
Well onto the show peps
Ummm… I think you keep a letter there. And I’m rarely, if ever, any kind of pep.
Take Care Now Bye Bye Then
I guess that means this … Author’s Note? Preface? Whatever? … is over. On to the fic!
Chapter One: What Happened to Po?
I’m assuming something happened to him since there wouldn’t be a reason to ask that particular question if he was fine.
Po groaned as he woke up, his muscles ached a bit and he had a pounding headache.
I’m the same way after a blackberry-merlot wine slushy bender. I used to be distrustful of adult beverages served in a soft pouch with a straw, but it’s like a much more entertaining version of a Capri Sun.
‘Dude, what did I do last night?’ Po asked himself in his head,
Whatever it was, it apparently made you black out and lose time. That’s never a good sign. Assuming you’re still a martial artist who is frequently hit over the head, you might want to get your brainpan checked out.
Po slowly rose as he usually did, but he nearly went through the wall.
I know Po’s “normal” is a bit off-center, but not quite that much.
Po caught himself before he did so as if on instinct,
He’s a martial artist and the Dragon Warrior, so I’d expect him to have good reflexes.
but Po noticed that he was doing a handstand with only one paw and he didn’t even feel like he was going to fall.
Again; martial artist. Dragon Warrior. He instinctively used an advanced move to retrieve almond cookies, so this isn’t all that unusual for him.
Po easily did a flip and landed very silently on his feet.
“Dude this is a-” Po was saying to himself, before he looked into his full-body mirror, and Po’s eyes widened as he looked at himself
Don’t tell me we’re going to get :gasp!: some descriptive narration?!?
:kicks desk: Son of a bitch!
Shifu, Monkey, Mantis, and Viper were watching as Tigress and Po were sparring and let’s just say Tigress easily kicked Po’s butt.
Narrative voice; learn it, love it, maintain it.
Po shook his head as he got up, he then bowed to Tigress and she did the same.
…Wow. That’s actually fairly in-character for Po. He’s incredibly resilient during fights.
Po gave a tiny smile as he said “Good job Tigress, you were awesome”,
Now he’s out of character. Po’s a fanboy; a massive fanboy who isn’t shy about his otaku status. His “AWESOME!” is exuberant, not this lackluster offering.
Tigress gave a very little smile as she said “You as well Dragon Warrior”, before she went and stood by Shifu.
I don’t think Tigress is physically capable of smiling; she kind of has that whole “stone-faced stoic” aesthetic going for her.
Po then walked and stood on the other side of Shifu as Viper and Monkey got into positions, Master Shifu then said “Begin” and Viper and Monkey started to spar.
I’m glad the author isn’t trying to describe a fight scene, because the Library’s track record for such things isn’t very good, but it would be nice if something was described. The world in Kung Fu Panda is very visually rich, but the author is falling into that old badfic author habit of assuming the audience knows what she’s thinking and thus leaving everything in the Void.
As Po watched he didn’t notice a Spider start to web down into his shoulder, the Spider then started to crawl gently to Po’s paw.
This is Po’s flashback; if he didn’t notice it happening then how can he be remembering it?
Po watched as Monkey dodged an attack from Viper and Viper dodge a fist from Monkey, Po then crossed his arms which in turn scared the Spider on his arm.
Have you ever crossed your arms, author? Because there’s a very good chance that spider’s going to get squished rather than scared.
The Spider then bit Po, hard, and he gave a silent yelp a he shook the Spider from he paw.
:retrieves dictionary from Lyle’s bookcase:
Silent; adj. – not making or accompanied by any sound.
Yelp; n. – a short sharp cry, especially of pain or alarm.
:hits author twice with dictionary:
Tigress caught this, but she dismissed it as he accidently bit his finger or something like that.
Does she think he accidentally tried to eat his finger while watching the match? Po does hurt himself frequently, but that’s an odd conclusion for her to draw. Also;
Watch your voice!
Po then looked as the Spider crawled away and he looked at his bite wound through his fur,
Goody, a chance to try out my new toy!
:rolls small cartoonish cannon to the doorway:
You know, Patrons; I never knew I wanted a Spider Cannon until I saw it in Bifocals’ workshop during our Girls’ Night poker game the other day. That girl can really hold her schnapps.
he shrugged it off and he watched as Viper and Monkey sparred.
:stares into Void:
I can almost feel it staring back at me.
A few hours later, everyone was done training fo the day and were walking back to the kitchen, Po had started to feel only a tiny bit dizzy.
No wonder he’s dizzy if he’s been training for hours. That’s hard work.
Mantis then said to Po “Man, please make your noodles, I’m having a withdraw” Mantis was also grabbing his stomach as he said that.
You’re also having a bad grammar.
Po gave a smile as he said “No problem”, and he gave a laugh as Viper gave a gentle, yet scolding look at Mantis
Why is the narration constantly mentioning facial expressions yet there’s nothing describing their actual faces?!?
When they arrived at the kitchen Po immediately got to cooking and exactly fifteen minutes later he slid everyone their bowls of noodle soup.
Fifteen minutes prep time from start to finish? That’s some fast frickin’ soup.
But Po’s dizzyness had gotten worse and his body started to ache a little, Po then started walking out of the kitchen.
I can’t believe I found a fic author who doesn’t use enough personal pronouns.
The Five caught this and Monkey asked “Hey Po arn’t you going have some?”
He stepped out of the kitchen and they instantly suspect something’s wrong? Wow, harsh.
Po then answered in a tired tone as he felt himself start to sweat “No thanks, I already had a bite”, before leaving without another word.
:deadpan: Ha. Ha. It was mildly amusing in the Spider-Man movie, but not funny enough to recycle and port over to this fic.
The Five looked at each other worried about Po, he had never skipped dinner.
Yes, he has. After the dumpling training montage, Po gives the last dumpling back to Shifu and said he wasn’t hungry.
Po finally stumbled to his room, he then went inside and he looked at his spider bite again. His eyes widened as he saw the wound looked infected,
Despite the fact that germ theory doesn’t exist yet and thus he wouldn’t know what an infection is – nor would radioactive mutant spiders, but one thing at a time.
he was about to call Master Shifu before his eyes rolled up into his head and he fell onto his floor unconscious.
Then how did he get in bed? He’s clearly getting out of bed “in the usual way” at the beginning of the chapter, so what happened?
:kicks desk harder and mutters darkly in Japanese:
Po looked at his body in pure amazement, as he circled around a bit.
I … have no idea what’s going on. I’d assume he’s turning in circles, but it looks like he’s circling around himself instead.
Po was skinny and muscled,
What witchcraft is this? A skinny, muscular panda? I don’t like to judge others, but … seriously? What the hell? There are plenty of very attractive animals that are already strong and lean; part of the panda’s allure is its sweet and fluffy appearance. Take that away and you’ve got a grizzly in mime makeup.
For the good of the Library, I am going to Google this. Wish me luck.
Huh. I’ve got to say, it isn’t what I expected. There’s quite a number of sexy pandas, but they predominantly seem to be female versions that focus on appearing weak and helpless. I’m disappointed in the perpetuation of gender stereotypes, furry community. Where are all the bishounen sexy pandas?
And all that fluff and flab was a big part of why Po was suited to be the Dragon Warrior; precision nerve attacks didn’t work on him. With his protective blubber gone, he’s going to be vulnerable now.
There’s also the tiny little problem of negating the series’ entire message about how it’s what’s inside a person that counts and outward appearances can be deceiving. Po now looks the way many expect the Dragon Warrior to look; like a big, brawny dude who can kick all the ass.
:sarcastic slow clap:
Good job breaking it, author.
almost ripped actually,
I warned you about your narrative voice.
he just looked at himself until he realized that his vision was already much better than it used to be.
Po just had this sudden realization with absolutely no information to substantiate it? How? Do his eyeballs feel stronger somehow?
His hearing was also better as he realized that he heard the Five sparring in the training hall,
That’s better! He has something to back up his claims now.
Po looked out of his window and he realized that it was noon.
Po sure is realizing a lot of stuff in one sentence. I’m surprised it hasn’t triggered the DRD Alarm again. I guess one volley of wolf spiders is all it takes.
Po then ran out of his room and to the training hall with amazing speed that he was surprised with, but then stopped right at the doors as he realized that he was going to have to explain how he bacame skinny and heck ripped at that.
Yeah, that’s gonna be an awkward conversation. At least Peter Parker was able to hide his buff new bod under loose clothing, Po barely wears anything so even if the change hadn’t been as severe it would still be incredibly noticeable.
Po gave a smirk
:strobe light flashes:
Crapcakes! Oh, I have an idea.
:loads bolt-tape into Spider Cannon:
Heads up, Taco!
as the thought of the looks on their faces and he gave a chuckle,
I think you a word there, author.
but he then jumped when he heard Master Shifu from the other side of the door say “Ah Po why don’t you come join us, after all you did seem to be a bit late so we didn’t want to start without you” with pure sarcasm.
Did Shifu get bitten by a spider, too? Because with Po’s new upgrades, the master shouldn’t have heard him approach. Is Po’s stealth on of those situationally-dependent things?
And that kind of snarky comment might fly if Po was a few minutes late, but it is supposed to be noon – Shifu should be laying down the wrath of the gods right now.
Po gave a nervous smile as he heard the Five stop training at the snap of Shifu’s fingers, Po gave a big breath before he said to himself “Here goes nothing” and he walked into the Training hall.
It would seem one of his new spider-based powers is the ability to phase through objects, since he never opened the clearly closed door. I’m not much of a Marvel fan, but I don’t think Spider-Man has that power.
The Five and Shifu had looks of pure amazement and shock on their faces, Mantis fainted, Monkey was just staring in shock, as were Viper, Crane, and Tigress.
:looks down hall:
Still nothing? Dammit, now these orb spinners are going to go to waste!
Master Shifu’s look made Po start to laugh, Shifu’s ears were tilted a little as his eye and mouth twitched as they were flung wide open.
I don’t even think what the author is trying to describe is even physically possible. And Shifu is Po’s master and a respected teacher. He’s not going to laugh in his master’s face. That’s just all kinds of rude.
When Po was done laughing, he looked and saw that they were still in the same positions.
They’re probably trying to figure out how your body changed so drastically as well as why you’ve become a rude-ass bastard. These are your friends, teachers, and heroes; show some respect, baka!
Po then asked “Um guys, are you alright?” and he waved a paw in front of their faces,
Of course they’re alright! It’s perfectly normal for them to stand stock-still and stare into space for an unknown length of time. Nothing strange or suspicious about that at all.
Master Shifu was the first to recover as he asked in a sort of demanding tone “Panda! What in the Valley of Peace happened to you?”
A very understandable question, if oddly phrased.
Po then answered with “Um, that’s the thing, I dunno what happened to me. But I think it’s AWESOME!” with a smile
Sure it’s awesome, right up until the point you start growing extra arms and craving flies.
Viper was next to recover and she shook her head a little and closed and opened her eyes to see if she was actually dreaming or something like that.
MAINTAIN YOUR FRICKIN’ VOICE!
Viper then asked “Uh Po, what is going on?”
Again, that’s a good question – but he just stated that he didn’t know what was going on. That hasn’t changed in the ten seconds since Shifu asked him.
Po just merely shrugged and he looked at his body again with a smile as he said “I honestly do not know Viper?”
Why is he asking her that? Is he not sure if he doesn’t know? This is just all kinds of confusing.
Everyone slowly came out of their shock and asked Po the same question, and Po just gave the same answer to every question.
While I’m glad the author decided to skip over the others’ copy-pasta reactions, this is really ridiculous. After Po answered Shifu, that should have been the end of the “What happened to you?” questions.
Shifu then said “Well I think we should get back to training,
Completely ignoring the sudden and inexplicable physical transformation that could possibly endanger the life of the Dragon Warrior. But whatever – full speed ahead!
Po for being late you shall go the entire course” Shifu gave a little cruel smile at the end, that gave Po the shivers.
Dude, it’s an obstacle course. You can’t really go through only part of it.
Po then walked over to the beginning of the course, with fear going through his body in little spurts.
:looks into Void:
Yeah, that’s just … terrifying.
Po then looked at Shifu, but he still had the same smile on his face as he said “Begin Panda!”
Sweet moves, but I’m deducting points for that stumble at the end.
Po gave a little gulp as he walked onto the first course of the bunch,
So now there’s more than one obstacle course? How does it all fit inside the training hall?
The Seven Swinging Clubs of Instant Oblivion.
Ooh, good name! Sensei! Write that down in my DRD trap idea book!
Po gave a breath as ran into the course where he actually had a very, very easy time staying on the spinning snake-like logs.
:looks at wrist:
Is it time to start racking up the Stu points already? My, how the fic flies.
Po suddenly got a tingling senation in the back of his head and without even thinking, his body dodged a swing club and he punched out his fist and obliterated the swinging club.
This would be a lot more interesting if I knew what the hell was going on. Where are these clubs coming from?
Po then got the tingling sensation again and he dodged another club, Po then jumped and did a very well mauvered flip as he came to the next obsticle,
The terrible grammar is almost enough to distract me from the horrible action sequence. Almost.
The Seven-Talon Rings.
“One has already added it to the list, Ghostcat-sama.”
Po easily grabbed each ring and did amazing acrobatics with and through each one before coming to the next obsticle,
I’ve been trying to show restraint, but that’s it!
Huh. I thought that triggered the avalanche of bunions. Labels must have gotten switched.
The Jade Tortoise of Wisdom.
Meh. It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
As if on instinct, Po actually balanced very well on the outsides as he slid around the bowl edges.
Spider-Po, Spider-Po, does whatever a Spider do.
That really only rhymes if you pronounce Po’s name with a long-o, but I’m okay with that.
Po then felt the tingling sensation again and he dodged over fifteen arrows with ease,
If I had any delusions that this course would be dangerous for him, they disappeared back at the swinging clubs.
Po dodged the last arrow and he landed on the other side of the Jade Tortoise and using his own monentum he jumped into the next course, The Gauntlet of Wooden Warriors.
Hmmm… Put that one in the “Maybe” column, sensei!
Po actually punched, kicked, and dodged every spiked appendage that came at him, because of the tingling sensation he had in the back of his head, it was like he had eyes in the back of his head.
We better be close to the end of the course because these daybook action scenes are putting me to sleep.
Once Po was done with the Wooden Warriors he came to last obsticle, The Field of Fiery Death.
Yay! It’s almost over!
Put a star next to that one, sensei! It sounds promising.
Po felt the tingling sensation again and again, as he dodged every single burst of flame that came out of the ground. Po then jumped on instinct and did exactly three back flips and a 360 before landing in a crouch, barely out of breath.
So. Boring. I’m sure this looked awesome in the author’s head, but since I don’t have access to her brain I’m left holding a big bag of nothing.
Po looked at himself and he did not feel any pain at all, he then looked at the Five and Master Shifu and they were looking in amazement again. Po couldn’t blame them, he didn’t even know that he had that in him either.
Yeah, yeah; you’re even more amazing now. Can we get on with it? There’s probably a village that needs rescuing or a villain that needs thwarting.
Po then asked kind of nervously “So um, how did I do?”,
Tigress shook her head as she asked Po with pure awe and curiosity in her tone “Po how did you do all of that?”. Judging by the look the rest on the Furious Five’s faces and Master Shifu’s face, they would like to have known the same thing.
Great, now they’re going to compliment him on his new skills and generally stroke the Stu.
Po then said “I dunno, I get this weird feeling in the back of my head and I can dodge everything, I don’t really know how to explain it”
I’m kind of surprised you don’t just assume it’s part of the Dragon Warrior package.
Master Shifu then got a look on his face and without any warning he attacked Po, Po in turn quickly got the sensation in the back of his head again and he jumped up very high with ease and he landed on a rafter.
Po then asked himself “Woah, how did I do that?”
BAKA! Why do you keep asking questions you cannot possibly answer? YOu’ve made it abundantly clear that you have no idea what’s happening.
Shifu then said to Po “It is probably how your body had lost weight overnight”,
That or it was an incredibly aggressive tapeworm.
Po then on instinct jumped down while doing a flip and he landed on his feet without making a single noise.
This would probably be more impressive if he wasn’t the Dragon Warrior.
Tigress then remembered of how Po bit his finger or whatever
and she said “Po, remember yesterday when you suddenly moved your hand around in pain? Did anything happen then?”
He silently yelped, which earned someone a dictionary upside the head. Twice.
Po then gasped a little as he looked at his paw and his eyes widened as he saw that there was no bite mark at all.
Is it a paw, or a hand? Because it’s been called both in this paragraph and that simply cannot be.
Shifu then asked “Po, what happened yesterday?”
He doesn’t know, haven’t you been listening? There was a surprisingly detailed flashback despite his lack of attention, though.
Po answered as he still stared at his paw “I got bit by a spider”,
Oh, well; it couldn’t have been that since spiders can’t bestow powers in this universe. It must be a Dragon Warrior thing.
Shifu’s eyes widened a little as he snatched Po’s paw and looked at it and saw no apparent damage. Shifu then said “Are you sure Po?”
Shifu’s reluctance to believe Po is understandable since there is no evidence of a bite anymore. I don’t know why he would be so interested in the phantom bite, though.
Po then said “Yeah, the bite even looked infected last night.
Still not a thing yet!
Master what do you think happened to me?”
You’re undergoing a process that we here in the Library call “Stu-ification”. It is relatively painless – for you, not us – but you will never be the same character again.
Shifu have a sigh as he said “I do not know Po, but whatever this bite did to you I think that it was made to last”
If you don’t know, then why were you so eager to examine the wound? You’re a very contradictory character, Shifu.
“So what you’re saying is that this is a permanent thing?” Monkey asked Master Shifu
Maybe? Why does everyone expect to get answers? This is a situation that they have never been in before!
“Yes, I’m afraid it is, but I do not believe that this change is a bad one.
But you don’t know that! What if this is like a Venom-analog and Po starts going all Cobra Kai on everyone?
As Master Oogway had said before ‘there are no accidents'” Shifu said with a small smile.
I really don’t think this was what he had in mind.
Viper ten slithered up and she asked “So now what Master Shifu?”
The SDQF is spitting snakes at me! Snakes that should already be in this scene, since the Furious Five were referred to as a single entity not long ago.
Shifu looked at Viper and he said “You shall continue training”, Po groaned “Awww, can’t I sit out on this one?”
The hell are you complaining about? With your new suite of powers you don’t even need to exert any effort to do anything. Just let those brand-new instincts take over and put your brain on the back burner.
“No” Shifu replied simply and he then said “Now Po you shall spar with Tigress, Mantis you shall fight Viper and Monkey you shall sit out on this one since you won the ‘beancake’ bet”
Monkey bet that Po would suddenly turn into a beefcake? That’s very suspicious; if I were them I’d be questioning that shady-as-fuck Monkey.
Oh, beancake. Not beefcake. Sorry, my mistake.
Now it really doesn’t make sense, unless this is a reference to the time Po stuffed a bunch of bean buns in his mouth. Kind of an obscure reference, though.
Monkey gave a “Yes”, before Viper and Mantis got into their fighting positions and started sparring.
And I’m sure it was just a remarkable display of daybook fighting.
Tigress and Po looked at each other before they got into their own fighting positions
Whatever those might be. They have names, don’t they? I’m no fighter (I always check the “lover” box instead) but I think there are names for the different positions. Kind of like sex, now that I think about it.
There’s chapter one peps :) I hope you like it and I hope you review
Take Care Now Bye Bye Then
Well, that was abrupt. The chapter just ends there and has languished on as an abandoned fic for a really long time. The author has likely abandoned this idea, which is a good thing. I really can’t see where she was going with this. Po’s already a super-awesome and powerful Dragon Warrior, the suite of spider-powers just piles on the Stu points.