1046: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter OnePosted: May 14, 2015
Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media: Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Why, God? Why do you hate me so much?
Fine, I’ll do this terrible, terrible trollfic.
Hello ladies and gentlemen. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and welcome to FaCe ThE StRaNgE.
For those of you who are wondering what the hell I’m snarking… well, it’s another of those particularly infamous fanfics that you only see every once in a blue moon. Yes, ladies and gents, this is a legendary badfic we’re talking about here. It’s also a trollfic, as the author admitted on a post that she took down that she was intentionally trying to write the worst fanfic ever.
Well, by God she succeeded, if the fact that this fic has a TVTropes page is any indication.
Well, it gets interesting, ‘cause this particular fic was actually put on its own website. That website has been lost to the domain being frozen by the website creator, but that, my friends is the great thing about the Wayback Machine. Yes, plug a URL, and if the Wayback Machine has snapshots, you can see the snapshots of the site from when it was visited last.
As far as I know, it doesn’t work on fanfiction.net URLs, though. Sorry, boys.
Anyway… Yes, she made the whole website herself, but most of it is periphery materials, with an incomplete bio of her cast, a blurb about her, and other things. Oh, and she also has “anime pictures” of Edward Cullen. Don’t ask me why, it makes just about as much sense as the fic itself. And if you don’t know how little sense the fic makes… well, look at the topic list above. Yep, this is a multi-crossover, and if our current track record with multicrossovers is any indication, we’re fucked. Like, really, really badly fucked.
Well, I’ve delayed long enough.
Oh, this is gonna be painful…
We open our first chapter with this:
Dally was riding the Hogwarts Express to Hogwarts with her best friend Edwart Cullen.
Oh fuck me, first sentence of the whole fic and already we’ve summoned the DRD!
Crunchy, prepare the Hugo Weasley-bots!
[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]
And suddenly, I want to forget I ever saw a wand get used in that way. I mean, holy shit!
She had just found out she was a witch and a vampire with Edward and now they were going to school to train to be better.
Wait, so she found out she was a witch and a vampire. Um, weren’t vampires kind of discriminated against such that there needed to be guidelines on how to treat them written by the Ministry? It’s very unlikely Hogwarts would let them into the school even at their most accepting.
Also, yes, you generally go to school to train to be better. Which is something that this author could probably stand to do, or would if she were being serious.
“Edward do you miss Bella?” I asked
“Grr I don’t want to talk about Bella” Edward said
Whoah, what!? Edward Cullen is not fixated with Bella Swan?
Oh, goddammit. Ghostie, did this fic’s protagonist trade places with Lola when I wasn’t looking?
“Oh are you guys fighting?” I asked.
“She is just being a cunt!!” he yelled
Whoah, Edward! I know you’re not much for letting Bella have much independence given that you’re a stalker and all that jazz, but really? You go straight for that?
I mean, I know Bella ain’t exactly the best character in the world anyway, but come on! That’s going way too far!
“She thinks I like you… um I mean…”
“Why would she say that?” Dally asked.
“Um well uh”
Oh my God, we’re not even seven paragraphs into the fic, and already people are falling for Dally! Holy crap, she is a replacement for Lola!
Ghostie, I am so sorry!
Oh hello, onomatopoeia. It’s been a while. So tell me, who else have you visited lately?
Suddenly there was a sound at the door of the trolly
But you just—
Oh fuck me!
Crunchy! More Weasley-bots!
[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]
Okay, that thing I said that he did with the wand? Scratch that. There is now some decidedly phallic imagery that I will now forever have in relation to magical wands that I just want to forget I ever had.
“I am going around with candy would you like to buy someone?” came the voice from the door.
Whoah, nelly! Who’s the pedophile at the door, why is he on the Hogwarts Express, and why is he also trying to sell some of the left-overs from Jasmine Cumslut?
“YES COME IN” yelled Edward,
And why would you ask the pedophile to come in!?
he wanted a distraction.
I’ll just… um… leave you to it then. I’ll be in the brain bleach Jacuzzi if you need me.
The door slid open and in came a boy with big spiky black hair and black clothes and he had his arm wrapped up.
Oh, uh… Hi there, Wikus van de Merwe! I know you like to hand candies to all the little prawn children, but you’re handing out the candy on the Hogwarts Express now too? How did you even get into the UK, anyway? Don’t you have some kind of forced migration you need to start—
“My name is Hiei” he said,
Oh, sorry Hiei. I don’t know how I managed to confuse an undead Japanese dude with a middle-aged South African man, but I did it.
Dammit, now I really need to step in the brain bleach. Jeez, those Weasley-bots are the best psychological warfare I’ve ever seen!
“I am selling these candies to pay for my trip to Hogwarts…” he showed them the tray and there were Burties Botts and Candy Frogs with cards on them.
Wait, so you’re selling candy to pay for your trip to Hogwarts, even though you’re already on your trip to Hogwarts? I think someone has this bass-ackwards here…
Edward noticed that Dally was staring at Hiei and growled “We aren’t interested go away.”
Holy shit, Edward, calm your tits!
Seriously!? Hiei has said like, one goddamn line to Dally! It’s his first damn line of the whole fic, he hasn’t even looked at Dally that much, and he’s already jealous of Hiei because Dally stared at him? And on top of that, he’s jealous of him because the woman that he’s not even in a relationship with looked at him!
Damn. I know Edward Cullen isn’t exactly boyfriend material in the source, but I didn’t think he was this bad!
“Oh okay” Hiei said “WAIT”
“I am would like to buy some Buties Botts!” said Dally enthusiastically and smiling.
Um, Dally, are you sure you want to go with the—
She reached for some and touched hands with Hiei…
Well, that answers that question! I’ll just be over here while waiting to hear about the part where she secretly has a massive Electra complex!
Edward “grred”. He “grred”.
Can someone call up Gir, please? I’d like to hear his reaction to that.
Remind me not to go near Gir in the near future…
“Oh um well… that will be… okay well it is free for you!” Hiei said he was flustered because he touched hands with Dally. He thought she was very cute.
Holy run-on sentences, Dally, slow down!
First of all, he goes in trying to pay for his trip to Hogwarts (which he should’ve already paid for anyway because no mode of transportation lets you get on without paying first, but I digress), but then gives Dally the candy for free. Um, why would you give her free candy? Second, he touches hands with her and exchanges two lines with her, and suddenly he’s all “oh God, I think I’m falling for her”! And don’t even pretend that it’s all “but he’s just a boy”, you all know from reading previous trollfics here on the Library that Hiei is gonna get the hots for Dally at some point.
Jeez…. What even is this?
“THANK YOU!” said Dally.
Hiei left and Dally began to ate the beans.
“So do you like that guy?” Edward asked.
“Of course, he gave me free food! He is very nice” Dally said happy.
Dally, don’t encourage the Cullenator. He’s already exuding unhealthy amounts of creepy just from being Edward Cullen, the last thing he needs is encouragement!
Suddenly they arrived at Hogwarts and uncame from the train.
How do you “uncome” from the train? What, did they all ejaculate before leaving, and then realize “shit, we’re supposed to be a bunch of 12 year olds!
They were greeted by a big wizard with a long white bear
Whoah, dude, put the long white bear down. You’re greeting students, not dropping shit off at the taxidermist’s!
and a pointy hat and he said, “Come students, follow me to the great hall and we will eat and get you sorted!”
Dally and Edward got into a boat and went into the Great Hall with Dumbeldore. They sat down at a table coincidentally right next to there friend from the ship Hiei!
Well, I guess the PCC had to get its paycheck from somewhere else, am I right?
Ah well. Hm, this is all fairly bland. We’ve got an anime crossed with a vampire romance crossed with a magic world. I suppose nothing could get weirder. Hm, I wonder what’s in this drink…
*grabs goblet, takes a sip*
Dally was also sitting next to a black and red hedgehog.
“My name is Shadow” said the hedgehog.
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Why is Shadow the Hedgehog in here? What business does a genetically engineered hedgehog with no real magical ability have in Hogwarts? And isn’t he supposed to be 50 years old or something like that? What is the point of him being here?
And on that matter, why the fuck is Edward here? Not only does he look 17, he was technically born just after the turn of the 20th Century! You’d think he would’ve been sent off to that witch school in Salem or whatever! But nope, he somehow only gets his acceptance letter now, nearly a century after Carlisle turned him!
First year students are eleven years old, Dally! You do realize that, right? Right…?
*checks elsewhere on the site*
I wonder where we can find out about—
SHE’S SIXTEEN GODDAMN YEARS OLD!?!?
I can’t even… I can’t… what is even this shit!? I can’t… I can’t… Twelve year old… Magic… Awakening… Edward Cullen… Shadow…
[Two Hours of Loud Ranting Later…]
And that is why Jodie Holmes should’ve kept up with current events while she was with the CIA!
Um… Let’s just continue with the story, yeah?
Edward began to grr again. “Why are you all talking to Dally he said?
Okay, first of all, Edward, who the fuck says “he said” to other people while saying something to other people? That strikes me as a mannerism that would be totally out of place even in the casts of most Persona games!
Second, Edward has now gotten creepier. Now he’s getting jealous of people who are simply introducing themselves?
Calling it now: Edward Cullen abuses Dally at some point.
“Calm down…” said Dally “He is my best friend, he gets a little territorial sometimes.”
A little territorial? He growls at people and acts all possessive over you for such a small offense as a male character introducing himself, and he’s only a little territorial?
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Lady, I would hate to see what you call “clingy”.
“Oh okay” said Shadow.
“Aight!” said Dumbledore “I will now sort you into the hat”
Hey now, Dumbledore, you might want to watch that! I don’t think there’s enough room inside the poor Sorting Hat for everyone in the school to fit inside!
One by on each of the students (and hedgemice because there are some sonic characters)
First of all, no mid-chapter author’s notes. Those are stupid and out of place.
Second off, “hedgemice”? And because there are some Sonic characters? Sure, it’s not like the Sonic universe doesn’t have anthropomorphic rabbits, frogs, chipmunks, bats, crocodiles, chameleons, bees, echidnas, polar bears, monkeys, coyotes, walruses, cats, raccoons, turtles, or anything else like that! No no no, it’s only hedgehogs and mice in their world!
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Oh dear God…
came up to the sorting hat. It told poems for the houses: there is Gryffindor, Huffelpuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin.
“Edward Cullen…..” said the hat, “SLYTHERING!”
Which is the one thing he won’t be doing after this fic. You know, since he’ll be too busy being forcibly dunked into the brain bleach Jacuzzi to even attempt it.
Edward put on a silver and green scarf and sat down a table at the end. He winked at Delly as if to say “Come to my house”
Well, at least Dally doesn’t get as jealous as the obvious love interest does. Seriously, what the fuck is up with you, Edward Cullen?
Huh, the hedgehog who nearly destroyed the world and used to go on tangents about how horrible life is gets put into Slytherin. This may be the first appropriately sorted character we’ve seen in the Library. Are you angling for a redemption cookie?
Shadow put on a silver and green scarf and sat down next to Edward. “Gee I hope she gets Slytherin” thought Shadow.
Aaaaaand, it turns out the answer is a big, resounding no. Hooray!
Hm… I don’t know YuYu Hakusho well enough to be able to comment on this. Ghostie!
Hiei put on a silver and green scarf and sat down next to Shadow and Edward. He could not stop grazing at Dally…
Now it was Dally’s turn. “DALLY” called the hat. She was beckoned and so went up. The boys did a drumroll with their feet.
And let me guess, she gets sorted into—
You know what? I’m just gonna take my blessings where I can get them. At least she didn’t get sorted into goddamn Gryffindor like every other goddamn Harry Potter Sue seems to. Or goddamn Slytherin, which would’ve been even more annoying.
Dally’s face fell off..
Oh… Um… thanks, Christian Bale, but the guy you’re trying to kill is actually over here.
she could not believe it! The boys looked so disappointed. She sadly put on he black and blue scarf and sat at a table with a group of strangers…
Well, at least she’s not fighting it like a spoiled stuck-up little—
Lucky she found her friends Charla, Annie and Meagan at her table! “Hey guys I didn’t know you were witches!”
“Yes we are we just found out this summer” said Meagan. “I cant believe we are in the same house!”
Never mind! I just found something even worse: friend inserts!
So there was good news after all. They began to head back to there home rooms
Even though they probably would’ve been sorted late at night and it would be too late to start classes? Damn, I didn’t know Hogwarts was so damn nocturnal!
when Hiei stopped Dally in the hall.
Oh, this oughta be good. They stop each other in the hall, talk to each other, and then they become the best of friends across houses, right? I imagine that would be fun, especially given Hiei’s a demon and all that. Sounds like the start of a beautiful—
“Listen Dally I want to tell you something” said Hiei “I like you.”
“I like you too Hieie” she said softly.
Then he kissed her and their lips met, like fire.
Okay, then, um… wow. That’s kinda fast, don’t you think? I mean, not even these two go that fast:
Jesus, can someone break this up, please!?
“Ok ok that’s enough” said a voice. It was Proffessor Umbrudge the defense against dark arts teacher, “Go to your rooms”
Man, I never thought I’d see the day where I’d say something pleasant about Dolores Umbridge, but that day has arrived. Thank you, Dolores. The cock-blocking was much required here.
“I’ll see you tomorrow” said Hiei and kissed her again
Oh, come on, that’s enough, goddammit!
“I SAID ENOUGH GOD DAMMIT” shouted the Proffessor
Thank you. Someone agrees with me!
“Bye!” said Dally
They left and from the darkness two eyes watched. IT was Edward he was mad…
Oh come on, just sing this already, why don’t you:
And yes, do it at the range Handel wrote for. I’d love to see the results, Edward.
Anyway, that ends the first chapter. I think I’m gonna stop it here, actually, because I can.
Trust me, I’ve read ahead on this one. You don’t even want to know half the things that pop up in this fic. It’s just… Oh my god, it’s so bad!
I’ll see you guys next week with more of this fic. Bring your helmets, you’re gonna need ’em.