1042: District 9 and three quarters – Chapters Seventeen and Eighteen

Title: District 9 and three quarters
Author: Fire Lord Mowse
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Harry Potter/The Hunger Games
Genre: Romance/Sci-fi
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 17
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 18
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

*is tied to a chair*

Shinobi-san: Yes, Herr-san, we can in fact make you.

Oh fuck you.

S: I apologize, Herr-san, but I have eyes only for the fairer sex.

It won’t be much fairer if you keep talking about them in those terms.

S: I do not think it will be so.

Just leave me be, Shinobi-san.

S: Whatever you say. *vanishes in a puff of smoke*

*sighs*

Hi, patrons. Welcome back to this stupid fic.

Yes, I took a peek at the end of last week. And holy fuck, is this chapter stupid. I thought I’d seen the zenith of absolute stupidity with the whole “Hugo built a robot” thing. But no. You know what it did? It got stupider. I know, hard to believe, right? But yeah, it somehow got stupider. Ugh, my God, did it get stupider.

*sigh*

Well, let’s not delay it any further. Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to stupid-ville.

We open our next chapter with this:

I step into the prep room, and oh my fish, there are trays and trays of makeup.

*snerk*

“Oh my fish”? What the hell kind of statement of surprise is that!? I mean, swearing by God, I’d understand, but by fish?

*headdesk*

Anyway, we then get a long, long description where she gets dolled up with the make-up as she hopes her dresser has a better dress. So then the dresser puts a suit in front of her, and then she randomly thinks about Hugo wearing a dress. So then she meets up with Hugo, and—

And Hugo’s wearing makeup. Lots of it. And I am still laughing. “Don’t worry, Hugo,” I laugh, wiping tears out of my eyes,” It’ll only be on national television! Not like your parents will be forced to watch or anything!” I hold my stomach, and doubled over.

*BAM*

As a guy who’s performed in orchestra pits for musicals and opera, and as someone who once had to get his face powdered and rouged for a Baroque dance performance, I can tell you that there’s really nothing that funny about guys putting make-up on. Hell, in musicals and opera, it’s practically expected that you have make-up: you don’t notice it unless you look closely because stage make-up is meant to be seen from a distance in most cases, but seeing a guy with make-up on isn’t abnormal in any way.

Especially since this is the goddamn Capitol. If you think that none of those guys have any make-up, you might be sorely mistaken.

So, Edel-Sue, I think you know what this means.

*hits buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 43

Congratulations! You’re so stupid, the buzzer made to document your stupidity has just passed the record set by Parallel Realities for “most times a particular trait has been buzzed”! Here, have this cake to celebrate your accomplishment in fail:

I landed on the ground, next to his very polished body shakes with laughter, and I think I’d better stand up soon, before I ruin my dress. Not that I care, but Lin probably does.

Well, even if Lin cares, I don’t give a shit. So whatever.

So Edel-Sue gets into a chariot that’s meant to parade you around the Capitol, she muses about the crowd a bit, and—

Why would I not want to… Let’s see… Well, they remind me of the other 22 tributes, of home, of the games, of the lives lost, some because of me, and many other things I’d rather not say.

I clench my fists into balls, under the chariot, and smile with gritted teeth. Oh, how I hate this place. Mockery, torture, and too many bright colors. They all look like clowns, for goodness ‘t they realize how rediculous this looks to others? Answering my own question, no, they don’t. If they did, they would have stopped a long time ago. A long, long, long time ago. Before I was even born! Which, frankly, wasn’t that long ago, but you know what I mean. I may be older in this story than you are now, but still.

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Also, Edel, I’m 24 years old. So actually, I’m a little under twice your age. So shut your mouth and stop addressing your damn audience.

*sigh*

Well, at least we have some idea of what this author thought her target audience was. Preschoolers. Who would be too young to understand the concept of death and politics and the fact that there are people out there who oppress others. Well, unless they live it, and in that case they probably live in a country that censors the internet.

Nice going, author. You’ve written a fic with one particular target audience that can’t actually read this fic!

And so, we get to the end of the thing, fists still clenched, smiling very fakely. Then, just when I think its over, we have to go back. You know, I’d rather not sit through this torture 13 times, I think I’ll just give a speech at district 5. Save the pain. Save. The. Pain. Then, we are presented with the wierdest looking flowers. Purple, with blue rings in the center. And red spots all over the stem. I hope they don’t give me a diesease. Kinda like being here is giving me a headache. And then, we leave. Thankfully. Thank the Lord. Seriously. This is crazy. So now, back on the boring old train.

And hopefully back to the point where we don’t have to goddamn put up with any more of Edel-Sue’s non-stop bitching about how much the Hunger Games suck. Seriously, that’s starting to get very annoying.

Anyway, she then gets on the train, and—

With Hugo. With Hugo isn’t that boring, actually. We play a long card game of war. Until I win by turning all his cards into rabbits.

*headdesk*

Okay, when did this woman start doing the typical parlor shop magic that these people tend to do? I know transfiguration is a thing in Harry Potter and all that, but I should not be reminded of typical birthday party magic tricks whenever I read a fic about—

Then, there is the saying, they breed like rabbits, so I turn them into snakes. It’s fun watching his expression change as I turn them.

Well, I hope Hugo isn’t a Parselmouth. This would suck if that happened.

“Edel, can you turn them into cats?” And now, we have ten white tabby cats, running across the train.

Oh crap, Edel-Sue is trying to create the next viral YouTube video! No! Run away!

*hides behind a set of boxes*

Across the train… And, soon, we get payed a nice visit from Amarie.

“Why are there cats running all over the train?” She puts her hands on her hips and holds one up. I take it, cuddle it, and Hugo and I burst out laughing.

*facepalm*

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve found the only people on the face of the planet who would laugh while watching a Seltzerberg movie. This is actually kind of pathetic.

It’s not my fault I like to cheat in card games. Even when it is only one where I’m winning.

It is, however, your fault that you giggle like a goddamn hyena every ten seconds even though you’re not laughing at anything that’s actually funny.

I pet the white cat as Amarie walks out of the room.

“That was fun. I think this one’s named Tom.” I ssay

“Tom cat” Hugo smiles. “That’s a good name”

You better not find a mouse and name him Jerry. There’s gonna be hell to raise if that happens!

“Well, that’s because male cats are called Tom cats.” I say. It is fun being a know it all.

For you. For the rest of us, it just makes you even more difficult to like than your non-stop stupidity does.

Then, I notice tom has 5 red diamonds on his back. “Hey, Hugo, look at this,” And then we burst out laughing.

*BAM*

Stop. Fucking. Laughing. It’s not endearing!

Tom stifles a huge yawn, and sits on my lap. I can’t tell if he’s snoring, or purring, but all the same. I put my head on his fur, and nuzzle him. I know we are getting closer to district 1 every minute. I look out the window, and everything is a blur. Then, everything is black.

So Edel-Sue just randomly falls asleep. You know what? If it’ll get her to shut the fuck up for two seconds, I’ll gladly take it! I mean, it’s not like this is a segue into the stupidest part of the whole fic, right?

I wake up somewhere I don’t recognize. There are pristine white walls, and no windows. Apparently, whoever brought me here also decided to tie my hands and feet into the most uncomfortable position. Also, Hugo’s. This is weird.

Even wierder when a man’s voice that I recognize starts speaking. “You may not know why we have brought you here today.” Well, duh. We’re bound and gagged here.

Wait, so… Is this someone engaging in a random kidnapping?

“Well, I know exactly why, and I have a feeling you should too.” YEAH! WE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!

*twitch*

Did you seriously just use all-caps in narration?

*headdesk*

“Well, tomorrow, I will call a meeting for everyone in Panem. Every person must come. They will be given a memory drug, for the past twenty years, and forget only some things. I won’t tell you what they forget, you’ll figure that out soon enough.” The president concludes.

Wait, what!?

So this is obviously President Snow, as I think the implication is. But wait, he’s giving them a memory drug that is supposed to erase their memories of something from the past twenty…

A drug. That takes away specific memories. I… He somehow developed a drug that you can take that will erase certain memories.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Now, he’s got my mind racing. What is he going to wipe from everybody’s mind? Will Hugo and I be included? How is he going to do it?

You goddamn tell me! Seriously, I’d love to know how the fuck the PCC managed to create a memory drug that flies in the face of how memory works in actual neuroscience!

Why is he wiping everybody’s mind to a clean slate?

He just told you he was omitting “some” things from their memory! In order for their minds to be clean slates, they would have to erase everything! And you wouldn’t want that if you’re ruling an oppressive dictatorship!

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 44

Seriously, I don’t know what’s going on here, and I don’t like that. I hate not knowing.

Oh, suck up, he just told you you’d figure it out pretty quickly. Maybe you should stop acting like an entitled shit and just wait first!

I struggle against the weak rope. Very weak rope… What do they think we are, kids? We won the Hunger Games for crying out loud.

Well, considering that you’re on the verge of hitting puberty (if you haven’t already started to hit it), then yes, Edel. Yes, they think you’re kids, ‘cause technically, that is what you are!!!

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 45

Jesus Christ, this idiot is wearing on my nerves faster than Ulrich-Stu ever did. It’s actually kind of amazing.

Finally, the rope snaps. It makes a really loud noise, so I have to see if anyone heard it before I got to Hugo. I then rip the gag off of my mouth, and go untie Hugo. Somebody here knows their knots. May be easy to rip, but.. You know, I’ll just rip the rope. Now Hugo’s ready to go.

*headdesks onto buzzer*

President Snow’s Numerous Oversights Count: 28

How the fuck has Panem not been taken out by a rebellion yet? Seriously, they can’t even keep kids restrained in this fucking country! And if you can’t do a good job of restraining kids, how the fuck are you going to restrain anything else?

Absolutely pathetic.

We tiptoe quietly and try to find an exit. Then, we see a big sign that says exit. I whisper to Hugo that can’t be the exit. It’s too obvious.

*blinks*

Oh shit, she actually uses her head this time! Huh, that’s actually almost worth a—

We turn the other way, and someone starts to follow us, quicker than I can move. Before I get a chance to turn around, I’m knocked out again.

Never mind!

Anyway, she then wakes up inside a cage in a dark room, she muses a bit about stuff, and she recognizes Hugo’s voice speaking at something.

And then… we get this:

I hear “Why… This?” From Hugo. Then “…. Have…. Your…. Understand”

What the…?

None of this is ,making sense to me…

Nor is it making any sense to the reader. You know, the only guy who actually matters in all this?

But then again, I don’t even know why I’m here. Now, I hear “she’s…. care…. Please!” from a scared Hugo. Then a “No… Dead…. Dawn” What? Who care please? Who’s dead dawn? My mind starts to piece together the bits as I get more.

Seriously, what the hell is this? Why is Edel only getting parts of the conversation? Is she in the sort of half-unconscious state you sometimes see in media where you’re fighting to stay conscious and then you can only make out part of what’s going on? Because FLM, you could always, oh, I dunno, make that shit clear! Your prose doesn’t indicate anything to that effect, so literally, it just reads like… well, I don’t know what the hell it reads like!

“Take… Instead… Why…” Then “Quiet… She’s… Asleep” Hmmm….. I think they’re talking about me… And dead at dawn? I don’t think so. I try and inch closer so I can hear more. Now, Hugo’s voice is loud and clear.

“Now, Hugo’s voice is loud and clear?” Just after you inch closer? How does—?

I still don’t recognise the man, though, “Now seriously, why are you doing this to us?” Us. Not her, not him, us.

*headdesk*

Really? At first she can only make out important words, and now from scooching two inches forward she can hear everything?

*BAM*

Author, if you were not eleven years old when you wrote this, I would ask if you had any idea how sound actually works. Hell, I’m tempted to even ask you that now, considering that, you know, you’re just under Edel’s age and all that!

“Because you two are going to start an uprising, and soon, we’ll have two victors everywhere, and that’ll start a rebellion.”

Wait, what? So they’got possible rebellions stirring given that the 20th Hunger Games had two victors. That’s true, so his solution to that is to wipe everyone’s memory so they forget what actually happened in the 20th Hunger Games?

*headdesk*

Oh my God.

*headdesk*

So wait, why aren’t you doing the same to the actual two victors?

“Well, then why don’t you wipe our memories too?” “Because we want to torture you guys.” And then an evil laugh.

*headdesk*

Okay, when the fuck did President Snow turn into Snidely Whiplash? First, he comes up with a completely impausible plan that doesn’t make any damn sense, and then he holds Hugo and Edel-Sue prisoner just because he wants to torture them? And why is he torturing them? There’s literally no information he can get from these guys: literally, he would be torturing these kids for the hell of it!

*headdesk*

You know, I can’t even be happy that he’s punishing these two kids for what happened the way a despotic dictator should! Not only is it too little too late, but the actual plan is fucking stupid! I could go into a massive list of why it’s stupid, but I shouldn’t have to! It’s literally too stupid to make a list about! That’s how stupid it is!

Why am I not surprised, “Well, at least we’ll remember eachother” Preach it, Hugo. Preach it. “But why?” I cry out.

Because he’s President Snow and he likes being in power?

And I see both of their heads turn to me, “Why is it a bad thing? I mean, its not like someone isn’t going to come along in 54 years and start a rebellion, why are you stopping us now?

Okay, Edel-Sue, did you get a prophecy from Sybil Trelawney about how Katniss Everdeen would come around and ruin the whole system? No? Then you will understand why the fuck that observation about someone coming along to start a rebellion in an incredibly specific frame of time is completely fucking stupid!

Its like brushing hair, it just gets knotty again after you brush it.”

What kind of comparison is that? That, Edel-Sue, is why—

Then the man comes closer, “And that’s why people brush their hair more than once.”

Okay, I’ll give President Snow that one, that was actually a good comeback.

Oh. I walked right into that one, “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when there are two victors again. And then they start a fire that will free all of the people in this crappy place!” And then I stand up and walk as far as I can away from them.

And Snow doesn’t execute her on the spot for saying something that could be read as her intent to pull a Sarah Connor where she prepares her children to lead the resistance because…?

*headdesks onto buzzer*

President Snow’s Numerous Oversights Count: 29

Anyway, she then goes on to bitch about “oh shit, I think I have feelings for Hugo, and then she’s like “why couldn’t I have realized I care about him earlier, and why are we here in the Capitol”. So then she asks about why she’s in the Capitol (I’d dock her for that, but President Snow just talked to her, so I’ll excuse her that question).

Just then, someone walks in, holding a TV.

*snerk*

And then he just holds it there, huh? You’ve gotta admit, that is one way to prepare for a strongman competition.

“Thought you might want to see everyone’s memories get wiped” The president growls evilly. He switches it on, and I see the entire country of panem. The screen is split into sections, one for each district. Every single person in every single district is watching a speaker. The speaker drones, and the people watch intently. Then, at the same time, each speaker in each district says “Does anyone remember District 9 ¾? And since they have the people who used to live in that district scattered out, everyone says no. I spot my mother and father in the crowd. I watched their lips form the word no. “And now, they are each getting a reminder of who they are,” Says the president, as the people start lining up to go in rooms, “Of course, your parents will forget you, and no one will remember you. Except yourselves and me.”

“And also the guy holding the TV, but he doesn’t matter, so whatever.”

*headdesk*

Literally? That’s your plan? Wipe the memories of everyone in all of Panem, and make it seem like District Nine and Three Quarters never existed in the first place?

*headdesk*

Someone, somewhere had to know that this was a stupid fucking idea. I mean, you’re talking about hiding the existence of an entire district! I mean, seriously, FLM, do you have even the foggiest idea what kind of paper trail you left with the way you built this world?

I mean… holy hell, FLM, did you not think about how much would need to be done to cover up District Nine and Three Quarters’ existence? You can’t just give them a memory drought and assume it’s over with: there’s a massive, massive body of evidence that Snow now needs to erase, too! then there’s the fact that District Nine and Three Quarters took part in the Hunger Games! Katniss makes explicit reference to the fact that she is able to access archive footage of the Hunger Games in the book version of Catching Fire! So now you’re telling me that they’re going to edit the first nineteen Hunger Games to make it look like District Nine and Three Quarters never existed in the first place? And then you add in the fact that they’re going to have to fake the entire Twentieth Hunger Games, too! You realize they’re going to need a new Victor to take the place of the two that you’re now making all of Panem forget about, right? And that’s even before you get into the memory drug itself! How the fuck did they manage to mass produce this memory-afflicting drug so that everyone in Panem forgets about an entire District? And I’m not even talking just the citizens: apparently, to keep up the ruse, President Snow is also administering it to the Peacekeepers! And then there is the mountains of physical evidence that would need to be burned. All the tribute clothing, all the wands, all the documents that talk about District Nine and Three Quarters, all the personal effects of all the people that were at this district… And what about the locations? The train station that leads to a dock? The boats that Edel-Sue explicitly mentioned take the tributes from District Nine and Three Quarters to the entire rest of Panem?

President Snow has embarked on a plan that logically incurs one of the biggest logistics nightmares in all of fanfiction, and the fic is expecting us to take it seriously.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

I start to cry.

Oh, trust me, if I hadn’t known that stupid plot twists were par for course at the Library, I’d be crying myself. I mean, this is epically stupid! It’s actually kind of amazing that an evil plan this incredibly stupid is not in a trollfic. It really, really is.

At first, only a tear every now and then will trickle down my cheek. Then, a steady stream until I start to bawl. Everything is different now. My own mother, who was so worried that I wouldn’t come home, doesn’t remember me.

Aw… This is kind of a sad moment. I’ll give Edel the fact that she’s crying; I mean, wouldn’t you at the fact that you’re in a situation where nobody you care about will remember you?

Well, I really don’t care.

Well_that_escalated_quickly_966

And why don’t you really care, again? ‘Cause you’re crying your face off here, that tends to imply the opposite of what you just said. Granted, I’m glad it does, ‘cause I’d rather you not be an apathetic moron, but still!

“You two will be banished to District 12.”

*headdesks onto buzzer*

President Snow’s Numerous Oversights Count: 30

Wow. He goes through the whole logistical nightmare of trying to wipe out any trace of District Nine and Three Quarters’ existence, and he doesn’t even tie up the one gaping loose end that caused him to embark on that logistical nightmare in the first place!?

*headdesk*

Anyway, after this, Edel-Sue and Hugo ponder how they’re going to start life in their new home. So they do that, and the chapter mercifully ends.

You know what? I don’t want to have to read this fic more than I really have to. Let’s see if we can get Chapter 18 in as well…

Wow! I made it this far, and I’m sad to end it. So, may I present to you, Chapter 18. The final installment in District 9 ¾.

And thank God for that!

I give you permission to comment, please R&R!

She says, as if giving a review of this dreck is something you need to ask permission to do.

Now, be prepared for the end. They always leave you wanting for more.

If by that you mean “they leave you wanting more knives to stab things with”, then you’re not wrong

I’m sad now :…( F&F (well, no use following anymore) SORRY! I lost my flash drive, for, like, a month, so yeah.. GOODBYE EDEL! YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST AND FAVORITE!

That’s what she said. Anyway, let’s—

My name is Edelweiss Nimmo, and I am sixteen. This was a novel about my life, from 13 until death, which hasn’t happened yet. This story is dedicated to my daughter, whom I am telling the story to. I will always love you dear. Now never let the Capitol get you down.

*headdesk*

Are you kidding me. Are you fucking kidding me?

I promise the world that life will be better some day. Now read the final chapter of the tale I told my daughter, who was brave enough to hear it. Dear, my life be easier on you than it was for me. Never forget the ones you love, and I’ll meet you in the next world.

This story is ending, and it has hardly begun. My daughter shall put her story out here for the whole world to know. Live your life to the fullest. Life isn’t as bad as you think, and that brings me to the beginning of the end.

This whole story… This whole crossover… This whole involved rigmarole which makes no sense…

It was addressed to the main character’s daughter the whole time!?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Well, this explains why it broke the fourth wall so damn much. It’s only a shame that, you know, it wasn’t established that this was the framing device until LITERALLY the last chapter!

Jesus, you couldn’t even have given us the courtesy of hinting at this shit!? I mean, all framing devices are valid, but if you’re going to frame it as something you need to establish that shit AT THE GODDAMN BEGINNING!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Good Jesus Christ, FLM? What the fuck!?

Anyway, we then cut to District Twelve, where Edel sums up her life. She’s just like “yeah, we’re still here, and—

We visited our parents often, telling them we were from a society, and wanted to help them.

*headdesk*

First of all, travel between the districts is restricted. Second of all, President Snow, this is why you shouldn’t have left them alive. They can unravel your whole plan with careful enough planning.

*BAM*

Anyway, Hugo suggests they should visit Edel-Sue’s parents and tell them who they are, and Edel is just like “I go by Jenny now, and you go by Albus”. And you’ll never guess what happens next:

Just then, I was reminded of our old friend, as I looked to my left. A man, taller than me, with bright green eyes, and jet black hair stood next to me. His look was completed with round glasses.

I felt a pang of sorrow, as I looked around and saw all the people, all the ones who had never heard of our district, never heard of us. When I see how dreary this place is, I want to fix it. No matter how long it takes, I will brighten this place up from browns and grays, to at least add a dot of blue paint on a wall. One thing makes a difference. I hope to bring happiness to this world, or at least help in some way. Even if I’m the tiniest little pin in a sea of swords.

*frown*

Honey, I think you meant to use this comparison:

Anyway, she is just like “you know what, I do want to see my parents again, and then she bitches about regret and stuff. So then they plan it out, going off to find Hugo’s parents (wherever the fuck they are) and then go off to find Edel’s parents, and they go on about how much they have to talk about, all the planning…

So then they take the train ride, she describes it as being a really bad experience, and then they show up to District 5 and are just like “okay, apparently Ron and Hermione live next to each other, and they decide to buck their plans and talk to Edel’s parents first…

3 years, that was how long my parents had been oblivious. You know that, but it’s a big point. I didn’t know if my parents would remember, or if we just had to tell them the whole story, and see if they believed. Just in case they didn’t, I brought pictures and videos of our life, and even a recording of the reaping and games.

*headdesks onto buzzer*

President Snow’s Numerous Oversights Count: 31

And he didn’t even destroy the damn evidence before Edel-Sue could get her grubby little hands on it. Good job, President Snow. Good job.

This would be a major moment in my life, more important then graduating hogwarts would have been.

We rounded the corner to the cul-de-sac that our parents lived on. My parents the first on the left. I knocked on the spruce wood that had been farmiliar to me when growing up. “Oh, how nice to see you again, Jenny and Albus. You just visited last week, though” My mother’s face wrinkled, “Is there something wrong?”

Well, let me put it this way:

“No,” I spoke up, “But we have very important news for you that will be life changing.” She led us inside, and we all sat in the living room. “This may be hard for you to accept, but I’m not Jenny.” I took a deep breath, “My full name is Edelweiss Frances Anne Nimmo, and I am your daughter.”

Edelweiss Frances Anne Nimmo? Really? Two middle names?

If it wasn’t established by now that Edel-Sue was a Mary Sue, I’d almost say she was a Mary Sue!

My mother, and my father, looked at me with a curiosity that I recognised from when I had been enrolled in hogwarts. “So,” My mother started, “I have a daughter? How could I have forgotten that? Wait, you must be lying!” I shook my head, and held up the pictures. My mother and father studied them closely, “But… How?”

“It’s quite simple, really.” Hugo began, “The president wiped everyone’s memories, and no one knew who we were. You neighbors are my parents. And they forgot too.”

My father, who had been silent the entire time, ran up to me and hugged me, “I had dreams,” He mumbled, “Of a little blonde girl, with purple eyes, and I never made the connection of you being my daughter, I am an idiot.” I hugged him back, for the first time in almost 4 years.

*headdesks onto buzzer*

President Snow’s Numerous Oversights Count: 32

And to top it all off, the memory suppression wasn’t even that powerful to begin with.

Are we sure that Wesker from the untold zombie chronicels didn’t just kill President Snow and replace him with himself? Because with an evil plan with this many holes…

Wait, hang on: Edelweiss was blonde this whole time, and we’re only being told about this now.

*headdesk*

Something tells me FLM is not very good at storytelling.

I couldn’t believe it, but Hugo interrupted, “I still don’t have parents.” He murmured.

“Sorry, We have to go tell Ron and Hermione,” I hugged my mom, and kissed her on the cheek.

“Sorry I can’t spend more time and talk to you about my growing up and reaffirming how much I love you guys like a person with feelings, we have plot to fulfill!”

Anyway, we then watch as Hugo sits outside, and as Edel-Sue has to coax something out of Hugo. He says this:

“Edel, my parents were…. Clingy.” He looked up at me,

*frown*

Really? Huh, this is the first time I’ve heard of this…

“If they find out that I’m their son, they’ll want to take me back. I know our life in 12 seems dreary, but I actually like it, I spend every day where no one knows I’m Ron and Hermione’s son, or the victor of the Hunger Games, and I enjoy not being anyone special.”

And for once, it’s not Edel-Sue being the idiotic jackass who may or may not be a sociopath.

Hoo…ray?

He looked down at his shoes again. “I like our new life, the one we have, if I had to leave it, and everyone remembered, I would probably be like one of the crazy victors. Edel, I like the life we have. We’re getting by on nothing, but we still have eachother.”

*headdesk*

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but… Edel-Sue, please talk some sense into him!

“Hugo…” I mull over what he said, “I know how you feel, but your parents aren’t people who like to gossip, and neither are mine. They’ll be the only ones to know anything, and if you really want it to feel like the last three years, they won’t be able to come visit us! I know you like the life you and I live, but it feels good to know people love you, and not just me.”

Thank you. Jeez, it’s an actual logical argument.

It’s almost enough to warrant a redemption cookie. Almost.

He stood up, “Okay Edel, let’s go.”

Needless to say, it went great. Hugo’s parents were skeptics at first, and doubted us until we showed them the pictures of the reaping, games, and childhood memories. They even believed the wizard thing! Hugo and I left happy, and pretty much, our whole lives were better. And his parents weren’t as clingy as we thought. Or, at least as he thought.

Wha—?

*headdesk*

And of course you don’t even show what goes down with that. What a let down.

Anyway, we then get a long narrative aside about how they apparently live in a fairy tale. Should I get 30-year-old Katniss in on them to give them a good bitch-slapping? ‘Cause I think they’ll need it at this rate. Anyway, Hugo gets her a pet mockingjay for her birthday, she then gets a mockingjay pin, and then, well…

Now, my dear, you know the rest of the story. You’re living through it, and you probably know it by heart

Hugo and I got married in District 12, and lived in the house we got when we were sixteen. WE changed our last name to something simple, like Donner. We had two children, you and your sister Margot. Now our chapter is done, it’s time for you to begin a new one.

So cycle of life continues and all that shit. Good Jesus.

And don’t forget that I’ll always love you. No matter how bad you are, love shines through. The world is a bitter place, but you can make it better. A rebellion that started with me will end someday. The capitol will be brought to justice. Take part in the rebellion, and love others. No one loves you as much as your parents. Not a single soul. Don’t you ever forget it. You are my daughter, and I will always love you, Maysilee Jennifer Mellie Donner.

*headdesk*

Jesus Christ with a side of pencil shavings, this is somehow more saccharine and overwrought than goddamn Homura Afterstory. That, my friends, is a freak accomplishment.

*headdesk*

Well, at least it’s—

*offstage trombone*

Wait, what!?

*looks ahead*

THERE’S ANOTHER CHAPTER POSTED!?

But you told us… You said… I don’t… I can’t…

*headdesk*

Oh, all right, what does it say now?

Yo. Mowse here. If you may not have noticed, I changed my pen name. It’s an inside joke with myself… Whatever.

Yeah, whatever is right. Seriously, what else have you got to say in this disingenuous author’s note, huh? What else do you have to—

I was just reading the reviews for this story, and I realized, “Wow, I was really bad at writing. I was awful, and these guys still praised my work!”

*record scratch*

Wait, what?

and I realized, “Wow, I was really bad at writing. I was awful, and these guys still praised my work!”

*zooms in*

“Wow, I was really bad at writing.

*checks the links above*

Wait, this fic got deleted, too?

GLORY HALLELUJAH, THE AUTHOR ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THIS FIC IS A PIECE OF SHIT! SHE KNOWS IT WAS A TERRIBLE FIC! OH MY GOD, THIS FIC IS KIND OF AN OLD SHAME OF HERS!!!

Oh my God, I feel vindicated. She actually acknowledges that it sucked! There’s hope for this author yet! Thank you Jesus! Yes!

*falls back*

Oh man, this is a good day. You know, I feel like just ending it off here, because I’m glad this author considers this fic an old shame. This is just… Man!

I feel like I can take on anything now! So come on, world! Come on! I’m ready for anything! Show me what you got!

*looks back at first post of this snarking*

OH DEAR JESUS NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NO! NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By.]

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98 Comments on “1042: District 9 and three quarters – Chapters Seventeen and Eighteen”

  1. GhostCat says:

    Shinobi-san: Yes, Herr-san, we can in fact make you.

    :spit-take:

    SHINOBI-SAN!

    :ninja appears:

    You can talk? Out loud? To people? In English? Since when?

    :whispering:

    Eliza gave you what?

    :more whispering:

    Oh, it was made of marzipan. That’s different. And that’s all it takes?

    Huh. I did not know that.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh snap! Eliza has a food-based universal translator? Man, that would’ve been useful elsewhere in the world!

      • GhostCat says:

        :whispering:

        Shinobi-san says it is kind of like a Babel fish from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, only different.

        I have no idea how that would work. I suspect Bifocals has been up to shenanigans again.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        So that’s where my ceviche recipe went. Leave it to Bifocals to have her come up with a universal translator by combining that ceviche with silicon marzipan.

  2. GhostCat says:

    And Hugo’s wearing makeup. Lots of it. And I am still laughing. “Don’t worry, Hugo,” I laugh, wiping tears out of my eyes,” It’ll only be on national television! Not like your parents will be forced to watch or anything!” I hold my stomach, and doubled over.

    Wow, someone’s not very well-versed in theatrical makeup – or makeup at all. They’re going to be on TV; the bright lights required for filming tend to wash all the color out of people’s faces, especially light-skinned people, so anyone who appears on camera – male or female – tend to wear a lot of makeup just so they don’t look like a bloodless corpse.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Besides, wasn’t the amount of make-up they wore one of the things Katniss constantly went on about in the books?

      • GhostCat says:

        It’s mentioned multiple times that people in the Capital favor very dramatic makeup; they’re not in the Capital anymore but the stylists they have with them would probably still do things in the same way.

  3. GhostCat says:

    …next to his very polished body shakes with laughter…

    Why is Hugo’s polished body shaking with laughter? I thought Edel was the one laughing.

  4. GhostCat says:

    I may be older in this story than you are now, but still.

    Nope, sorry – I’m almost three times your age. That won’t stop me from slapping you upside the head, though.

    :does so:

    • GhostCat says:

      Also, Edel, I’m 24 years old. So actually, I’m a little under twice your age.

      Isn’t she twelve?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        She’s turned thirteen by this point in the story. Remember the whole “I’m gonna ask what day it is so I can say happy birthday to myself” tangent after the Hugo Weasley-bot bit?

        *shudder*

    • agigabyte says:

      Even I’m about a year older.

      • agigabyte says:

        *Than she was at the start. Even then, I’m pretty sure I’m a few months older than her. Hell, even with only a few months on her, the first chapter of my fic was better even before Lyle went in and corrected the myriad of mistakes.

      • GhostCat says:

        You’re thirteen? I think that gives you the dubious honor of being the youngest Patron/guest Librarian.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hooray!

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Do you know what this means? We’ve moved on from corrupting young adults to corrupting teenagers. Today: middle/high school. Tomorrow: the world!

        *laughs maniacally*

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        *BAM*

        Settle down, private.

  5. GhostCat says:

    It’s not my fault I like to cheat in card games.

    Yeah, it is. Cheating is a voluntary behavior that you knowingly engaged in. It is completely your fault. And it’s not really cheating, it’s the magical equivalent of flipping over the Monopoly board and declaring that you don’t want to play anymore.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Leave it to the idiot Mary Sue to say shit like that, right?

      • GhostCat says:

        And Hugo tolerates her terrible behaviour, even encourages it! He’s as much a wizard as she is, he could turn the animals back into cards at any time.

  6. GhostCat says:

    Tom stifles a huge yawn, and sits on my lap. I can’t tell if he’s snoring, or purring, but all the same. I put my head on his fur, and nuzzle him.

    She put her head in her own lap? I don’t think people can bend like that.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Cirque du Soleil would like to have a word with you, Ghostie…

      • GhostCat says:

        But those are trained acrobats, which Edel is definitely not. I don’t think normal people can put their heads on their thighs without injuring themselves.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        That is true…

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Not normal people. But let’s not forget, Edel is a Mary Sue. She could probably pull an Exorcist without special effects and no one would bat an eyelid.

  7. GhostCat says:

    Even wierder when a man’s voice that I recognize starts speaking.

    Skip to 6:24.

  8. GhostCat says:

    May be easy to rip, but.. You know, I’ll just rip the rope.

    The hell are these ropes made of, toilet paper?

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      Fun Fact: Mythbusters actually proved it was plausible to make a somewhat durable rope out of toilet paper (and another one out of hair). I still wouldn’t recommend it though.

  9. GhostCat says:

    Its like brushing hair, it just gets knotty again after you brush it.”

    Then the man comes closer, “And that’s why people brush their hair more than once.”

    :headdesk:

    Metaphorical language; you are doing it wrongest.

  10. GhostCat says:

    “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when there are two victors again. And then they start a fire that will free all of the people in this crappy place!”

    So not only does Edel predict the specific time frame, but also predicts that there will be two victors and uses the same fire allegory? Gee, it’s almost like she’s read the books.

  11. GhostCat says:

    “Thought you might want to see everyone’s memories get wiped” The president growls evilly.

    Dude. Go easy on the scenery-chewing, there isn’t that much of it to begin with.

    He switches it on, and I see the entire country of panem. The screen is split into sections, one for each district. Every single person in every single district is watching a speaker.

    And she can clearly see this on a television small enough that one person can carry it. Right.

    Then, at the same time, each speaker in each district says “Does anyone remember District 9 ¾? And since they have the people who used to live in that district scattered out, everyone says no. I spot my mother and father in the crowd. I watched their lips form the word no.

    Again, this is clearly visible on a tiny television set.

    Wouldn’t the next thing out of people’s mouths be “What’s District 9¾?” Seems foolish to create a medically impossible method of selectively removing specific information and the turn around and bring up the very subject you are trying to erase.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Ghostie, it was already stupid enough. I don’t need to point all that other logistical stupidity out. I would’ve had an aneurism if I did, believe me.

  12. GhostCat says:

    It’s only a shame that, you know, it wasn’t established that this was the framing device until LITERALLY the last chapter!

    And it’s not even that firmly established; she addresses the nameless daughter and an unknown audience at the same time.

  13. GhostCat says:

    … and doubted us until we showed them the pictures of the reaping, games, and childhood memories.

    How did they take pictures of childhood memories? Did Edel make Hugo remember something and then just take a photo of him? Because I don’t think that would add anything to their argument.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, it is set in the Harry Potter universe. They probably had a Pensieve lying around somewhere.

      Not that this explains how they lugged it with them everywhere they went, but hey, it’s something!

      • GhostCat says:

        If they were using a Pensieve then that brings up the question of how they convinced two people who no longer believe in magic to stick their heads into a large bowl of glowing liquid.

      • TacoMagic says:

        *Holds out bowl of glowing liquid*

        There’s bacon at the bottom of this bowl.

      • Gumdrop says:

        BACON!

        :glomps Taco, drenching the Library in glowing liquid:

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Goddammit, Gumdrop.

      • GhostCat says:

        :wrings memories out of hair:

        That could have gone better. :squints: Why do so many of these memories involve playing Dwarf Fortress?

      • TacoMagic says:

        So that’s why I couldn’t remember how to do the sword-crafting workflow.

        Uh… Gonna need that back.

        *Pulls out a plunger*

        Hold reeeal still.

      • GhostCat says:

        Mess up my hair and I’ll end you.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I’m still mad you put your memory of riffing A Jedi’s Destiny in there. The Victor Tarsus one, if you’re wondering. I didn’t know you were thinking of making that joke…

      • GhostCat says:

        Just be glad you don’t have a lump of zombie chronicels stuck in your eye. It burns like you wouldn’t believe.

      • TacoMagic says:

        It wasn’t just the Buster memories. I tossed some of Swenia in there too. Mostly of the times she mauled me to death, but still!

      • GhostCat says:

        Ooh, I found one where she’s telling one of her stories!

        … I don’t think it’s physically possible for a giraffe to do that with its tongue.

      • TacoMagic says:

        LA LA LA LA NOT REMEMBERING!

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        AGHHH!

        I’ve got memories of Gabriel Hawke and jasmine cumslut in my head! They burn! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

        *dives headfirst into Brain Bleach*

  14. GhostCat says:

    WE changed our last name to something simple, like Donner.

    So it’s something like Donner, but not Donner. Then why bring up the name at all?

  15. TacoMagic says:

    With Hugo. With Hugo isn’t that boring, actually. We play a long card game of war. Until I win by turning all his cards into rabbits.

    Ahh yes, I remember that spell from the book. Dickmovaramus wasn’t it?

  16. TacoMagic says:

    Then, there is the saying, they breed like rabbits, so I turn them into snakes. It’s fun watching his expression change as I turn them.

    Did… did she just insinuate that the cards she turned into rabbits started having sex all over Hugo, so she turned them into snakes?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Taco, we had the whole stupid Hugo Weasley-bot business, and you’re only now asking yourself what the fuck you’re reading?

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Of course he would ask that. Earlier, the story jumped the shark. Here, it jumped the shark three times, scarred it mentally then punched it into space.

      • agigabyte says:

        Then brought in a fleet of Dues Ex Machinas and shot it with plasma.

  17. TacoMagic says:

    “Tom cat” Hugo smiles. “That’s a good name”

    No, it’s fucking not. It was kinda clever when Tom from Tom and Jerry was named such, but the pun was worn thin decades ago.

  18. TacoMagic says:

    “Well, that’s because male cats are called Tom cats.” I say. It is fun being a know it all.

    Yes ma’am, you sure are a master of obscure facts aincha? Next you’ll whip out nuggets of informational gold like “Clouds are really made of evaporated water” or “Your reflection in a mirror is actually backwards!”

    To be fair, though, kids can be pretty proud of knowing nuggets of information that adults know to be relatively well understood. I don’t know so much that a 13-year-old would be doing it, but my 5-year-old is always thrilled to tell me little nuggets of well-known fact.

    Things like “Keypuss* makes noise when he’s happy!” Yes, Tron, that’s very true.

    *His nickname for the cat.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    “Well, then why don’t you wipe our memories too?” “Because we want to torture you guys.” And then an evil laugh.

    I never noticed it before, but President Snow has one hell of a Wilford Brimley ‘stache going on there.

  20. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Gotta give FLM credit here: she acknowledged how bad her story was and got rid of it. Unlike some other authors you’ve looked at.

    *coughInHarmsWaycough*

  21. TacoMagic says:

    My name is Edelweiss Nimmo, and I am sixteen. This was a novel about my life, from 13 until death, which hasn’t happened yet. This story is dedicated to my daughter, whom I am telling the story to.

    Edel has a daughter at 16…

    Well, she’s been incredibly stupid to date, so I guess her making really bad life choices is just par for the course. Super glad she decided to breed. We really need more genes like hers in the pool.

    • GhostCat says:

      She’s also really bad with numbers, since she was twelve and not thirteen when this whole thing started.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Again, she turned thirteen in an earlier chapter!

        EDIT: And of course, I reread what you said. Oops! I’ll just go hide my head in a ditch.

  22. TacoMagic says:

    Are we sure that Wesker from the untold zombie chronicels didn’t just kill President Snow and replace him with himself? Because with an evil plan with this many holes…

    I KNEW I recognized that mustache from somewhere!

  23. TacoMagic says:

    WE changed our last name to something simple, like Donner.

    You know, like Donner, but not. Their actual last name is none of the audience’s business.

  24. TacoMagic says:

    . A rebellion that started with me will end someday.

    Someday? Oh, honey, it ended the day Snow used magical pills to erase you from history. Yes, dear heart, it ended and he won big time. We know you’re a sore loser, but don’t try lying to the audience about this one, we were told what happened.

    • GhostCat says:

      He used a magical sound system, not pills. At least, I think that’s what happened. The agency of the erasure isn’t really specified.

      It’s remotely possible that they could have used Memory Charms, in the Potter’verse they’re pretty situationally-dependent and can selectively erase memories, but in order to cast Memory Charms on everyone the Capital would need a ton of wizards and they just brainwashed all the wizards into forgetting about magic and scattered them throughout the districts. It’s a Catch-22.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Right? The funny thing is, that one of the reviews of this stinker was like “I liked how you tied everything together!” And it’s like “NO SHE FUCKING DIDN’T!” ‘Cause here’s the thing: this whole story is basically nothing more than backstory for someone who plays a role in Haymitch’s character arc. Why? ‘Cause Maysilee Donner is the name of the tribute that allied with Haymitch in the 50th Hunger Games. Considering that Haymitch is the victor of the 50th Hunger Games, I think we all know how successful her bid to incite rebellion in Panem turned out. So since this is backstory for the mother of a character who dies twenty-four years before Katniss comes along, that leaves us to ask this: how the hell does this backstory affect anything? Maysilee Donner basically has no impact on the plot other than to give Haymitch extra reason to be a drunkard, how the fuck does this tie a neat knot into anything!?

      And that’s without getting into the fact that if Snow had this memory-altering drug that the fic says he had at this point, why didn’t he just use it again when Katniss and Peeta came around? And that’s not to mention the fact that it doesn’t even begin to address the implications of all these magical people still being around, or even what happened to most of them!

      It’s just a stupid, stupid ending all around. I almost feel like making a “worst ending” sucktastic award just to acknowledge how terrible this ending is!

      • GhostCat says:

        I’m still not convinced Generic Awesome McEvil is President Snow; he’s never given a name as far as I can see and there’s not really any description beyond “a man”.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, we all know the author was thinking Snow, right? Who else would you think of as President of Panem if you were an 11-year-old fanfic writer who was operating on nothing but wish fulfillment?

      • GhostCat says:

        Voldemort. She’s used several characters and Hogwarts from the Potter’verse and excused it with time travel, but didn’t use anyone from the Hunger Games canon until it came to Edel-Sue’s daughter.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        But this story has Hugo Weasley as a main character! Voldemort’s been dead for a while at this point, even before we add in the whole “three-century jump” bullshit!

      • GhostCat says:

        True, but there’s time travel involved. That can create all sorts of timeline shenanigans.

        Of course, if the Doctor’s in this universe then there’s a good chance the Master is as well. He’d be another good candidate for Generic Awesome McEvil, or he could have brought Voldemort (or even Tom Riddle) into this time period for shits and giggles.

        Just think about it; if an eleven-year-old hopped up on wish fufillment had a choice between Voldemort and President Snow for their antagonist, who do you think that eleven-year-old would pick?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Voldermort’s eviler son, Daemonermort.

      • agigabyte says:

        I would’ve chosen Snow.

      • GhostCat says:

        I think Snow’s a bit too subtle for this author. Voldemort’s much more of the moustache-twirling type, or would be if he had any hair.

  25. Tie Dye Mage says:

    “Why are there cats running all over the train?” She puts her hands on her hips and holds one up. I take it, cuddle it, and Hugo and I burst out laughing.

    I’m sure she’s sick of these motherfucking cats on this motherfucking-

    *BAM*

    Ow! Who threw that?

  26. Tie Dye Mage says:

    It is, however, your fault that you giggle like a goddamn hyena every ten seconds even though you’re not laughing at anything that’s actually funny.

    Obviously, Edel keeps taking hits of nitrous oxide when no one’s looking. That’s the only reasonable explanation I can think of as to why she keeps giggling and falling asleep at odd times.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Huh, that does make sense, now that I think of it…

      *ponder*

      • agigabyte says:

        Goddess: Hmm, maybe I can do that during the riffs of Teen Fortress 2.

        Cain: Nope. Your contract doesn’t allow you to take anything like that. I need your full mental faculties for you to help me riff it.


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