1041: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter NinePosted: May 6, 2015
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
*Swenia glides in wearing a burgundy ball gown*
“I was invited to the DRD yearly annual formal party. They actually put on a very enjoyable gala event; I’m rather glad they sent me an invitation.”
Wait, don’t they have a restraining order out on you?
“That did make attendance tricky, but not impossible. But, attending was easy compared to what I had to do in order to participate in the dancing.”
Do I want to know?
“It required a police escort and both parties’ lawyers signing off on a temporary retraction. In the end, it was much easier to just dance with the police escort and the lawyers. My escort proved to be surprising good at International Latin.”
That’s a surprisingly tame Wednesday for you.
“It was! That is, it was until-”
Nope! No time, we have to get into this thing right now!
But first, the last chapter. Sooooo… not much happened. Lavitz and Stimpy got cut off from the party and decided to stop briefly for a portrait. After a few hours of posing, they joined up with Dart and Shana then headed for the castle. At the castle, they met briefly with King Albert and his sage assistant Professor Exposition. After they regurgitate plot all over the audience, they run outside to enjoy the view of… the world burning, I guess. That bring us to now.
Chapter IX: Mother of a Knight
Is that anything like a son of a gun?
After traveling for a little bit in the residential section, Lavitz led Stryfe, Dart and Shana to an area where the more wealthier citizens of Bale lived.
“Jeez, I feel like I got punked on that one. Soldiers make shit in Buster’s regime. Meanwhile Lavitz is a knight and is living in the wealthy quarter.”
Weren’t you also the pride matron? Surely you had to be pretty well off with that position.
“If you ignore the loads of riches I raked in as matron, I was making total garbage as a soldier!”
Upon opening the door to one of the mansions, he extended his hand out to Stryfe, Dart and Shana offering them to go inside first. As Stryfe admired how huge the mansion was upon walking inside, Lavitz called out.
This must be around the era where knights were all sons and daughters of the aristocracy.
“Man, I wish I’d had that to fall back on.”
Lavitz: Mom! I’m home!
An elderly woman came out from one of the rooms upon hearing Lavitz. She had an excited look on her face when she walked towards the four.
“Son has brought home more victims!”
I’ll need to have the help clean out some room in the basement for the bodies.
Lavitz’s Mother: Oh Lavitz! Welcome home, dear!
Lavitz: It’s okay mother, I’m fine.
The hell, Lavitz? She was saying hi, not ‘WHERE WERE YOU!?’.
Lavitz’s Mother: I was worried because I didn’t hear from you for a long time.
“She did seem pretty worried, didn’t she?”
Lavitz: Sandora’s resistance was tougher than I expected. But don’t worry. We defeated them!
And that’s as long as chapter five should have been.
Lavitz’s Mother: Your late father would be proud to hear that.
Dart: Lavitz, what about Hellena?
Stryfe: Yeah, you were con-
Lavitz was a con!?
“He tells everyone that he’s a knight, but instead he’s really a Nigerian prince after their bank accounts.”
That diabolical genius!
Stryfe was immediately shushed by Shana as she put her hand over his mouth.
*Highfives Shana* About time somebody did that!
She then shook her head frantically, telling Stryfe that was a bad idea.
“She’s telling him that shaking her head is a bad idea?”
Maybe she gets bad vertigo real easy.
Shana: (Don’t mention that to her!)
Lavitz: (Sorry, but I don’t want her to be worried.) I don’t know what they’re talking about.
“That Lavitz is one smooth operator.”
Lavitz’s Mother: Well, fine. I am already happy just having you come home, but…
Stryfe saw Lavitz’s mother look at Shana, her face turning bright as a result as she looked back at her son.
Lavitz’s Mother: You brought a bride with you! My big boy!
“That got weird fast.”
This fic is really good at bringing the weird.
Shana: Wh, what!?
Lavitz: Mom! She is not!
Lavitz’s Mother: Oh, don’t be shy. What’s your name?
Shana: Sh, Shana.
“Don’t answer the crazy lady! You might end up married to Lavitz! And spontaneous forced marriage is bad, no matter how yummy he is.”
Lavitz’s Mother: Shana, my son is a little awkward and stubborn. But he is very sweet as well.
Stryfe couldn’t help but let out a muffled chuckle when he heard that.
Quiet down in the back there, jerk.
Dart: Good luck, Shana.
Stryfe: You serious?
Lavitz: D, Dart! Don’t be silly! Mother, Shana is Dart’s sweetheart.
Dart & Shana: What!?
“We get it, the standard ‘we’re not in lurve!’ subplot. Can we move on?”
I’d complain more, but it’s canon as well as a pretty deeply established plot mechanic in JRPGs and Manga.
Stryfe could barely believe how red Dart and Shana’s faces became when Lavitz made that claim. It also made him wonder what it would be like to be in love himself.
This would be a more interesting line of thought if Stryfe wasn’t such a fundamentally unlikable character.
He then saw Lavitz’s mother turn to them, with a very disciplinary look on her face that gave Stryfe the chills.
“It’s getting weird again.”
Just ignore the fic and I’m sure it’ll go away.
Lavitz’s Mother: Please excuse me. But if you don’t make it clear, it will hurt her feelings and your relationship.
Listen to the woman!
Stryfe: (A relationship that is still in the shadows.)
Thanks for reiterating the scene.
“Time to tango!”
*Swenia reaches down her front and pulls out a C-27 Plasma Rifle*
The hell were you keeping that!?
*Swenia rushes out into the hall*
-[One scene of extremely elegant violence later]-
*Swenia glides back in and stands her still-smoking plasma rifle up in the corner.*
Seriously, though. You’re wearing a form-fitting ball gown. Where.
“PCC brand formal wear.”
Shana: (Stryfe! Shh!)
Dart: I, I will say so from now on.
Shana: So, does that mean…I am your girlfriend, Dart?
For the love of the gods, YES!
“There’s like thirty bedrooms in this mansion. Pick one and go have some wild sex! Right. Now!”
Dart: (I said that because otherwise, Lavitz would be in trouble.)
Stryfe: (Right. I’m sure that’s the reason.)
Dart: (Dammit Stryfe! Shut it!)
CAN EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP AND DO SOMETHING INTERESTING!?
Lavitz’s Mother: Lavitz, please find someone like her soon so I can hold my grandchild in my arms. You’re not a child anymore.
“I needs mah granbabies!”
Gonna be kinda awkward when he ends up bringing King Albert home.
“Lavitz could do a lot worse than the King of the fucking kingdom! At that point, they could probably just take whatever babies they wanted!”
Lavitz: Yeah, I know, I know.
Lavitz’s Mother: And, you’ll stay here today, honey?
Lavitz: Well, I was commanded to defend Hoax. So, I have to leave as soon as…
Lavitz’s Mother: I see. I understand. But you can have at least lunch, can’t you? It’ll be ready very soon.
“Wait, how did she know to have enough lunch prepared for more than just her?”
PCC probably phoned that order in for her.
Everyone suddenly heard Stryfe’s stomach growling. Although the attention was on him at first, Dart’s own stomach was soon to follow, causing Stryfe to give him a look of irony.
Good job stealing that scene from Dart, asshole.
Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 19
“You know, Taco, I used to look at people, back before it become popular.”
“Yeah, I still do it, actually, but now I only do it ironically.”
Stryfe: I guess we could stay for lunch, then.
Shana: I’ll give you a hand!
Lavitz’s Mother: Oh, there’s no need…But, then again, maybe…
Shana: It’s no big deal. It’s my pleasure!
“Great! The kitchen staff will be thrilled to have somebody to do the drudge work!”
While Shana went into the kitchen to help Lavitz’s mother, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz wondered what they could do to pass the time.
So now we get a scene of them sitting around wondering what they should be doing with themselves.
“Just when I thought the pacing in this turd could get any slower.”
Lavitz: Well, what can we do till lunch?
Stryfe: Should we help them out?
Lavitz: Can you or Dart cook?
Dart: Of course! Otherwise, we couldn’t travel for five years.
Not necessarily true, otherwise hardtack probably wouldn’t have been a thing.
“Generally, though, when you’re out traveling for long periods of time, being at least able to grill or stew up up fish and meat is a good idea.”
Or being able to eat it raw…
“Yeah, I’ll admit that it’s damn handy being able to eat it raw.”
Lavitz: And what exactly can you two make?
Dart: I can grill a mean piece of meat. It’s the best!
*Grunt* “Manly grilling. Much penis to make brown meat.”
Stryfe: And I can make cook some awesome fish. It’ll make your mouth melt!
Um, hydrochloric acid is NOT a seasoning, moron.
Lavitz: That’s it?
Stryfe and Dart said nothing. As Stryfe only let out a shrug, Lavitz grinned.
Lavitz: Let’s leave the cooking to Shana and Mom.
It’s like he’s channeling the audience.
Dart: But Shana was always a bad cook.
“And you just let her into the kitchen.”
There’s a reason for the no-Eliza policy in Gumdrop’s kitchen.
“I heard about that. A full-bunker respawn caused by a single casserole.”
Stryfe: Hey, she isn’t THAT bad, Dart. Maybe we can spar for a bit?
I don’t care! Just fucking do something!
As Stryfe began to draw his Zwiehander, the long blade nearly knocked over an expensive vase on a shelf nearby.
“I’m starting to suspect that the author might just be trying to compensate for something by giving his insertion that sword.”
Yeah, getting that feeling.
Lavitz: Hey Hey Hey!
Lavitz: Are you really gonna swing your sword around in my house!?
Stryfe: Well, you do have a big house…
Lavitz: That’s not the point! You could break something!
Stryfe: *sigh* Fine…
Hey, if your host doesn’t want swordplay in his house, YOU FUCKING TAKE IT OUTSIDE OR SHEATH IT, ASSHOLE! Seriously, what made you think drawing your sword in the middle of the room was even remotely a good idea?
“You forget that Sticky is powerfully stupid.”
A moment of weakness on my part. It won’t happen again.
Dart: In that case, why don’t we take a nap?
“Excellent idea! Darkwraiths!”
*A couch comes sliding into the riffing chamber.*
Oh no, you’re not getting out of this riff that easily.
Stryfe and Lavitz both silently glared at Dart upon hearing him suggest that.
“Which doesn’t make any sense. As a soldier, Lavitz would be very, very used to getting sleep whenever and wherever he can. Speaking of which-”
No. Stay away from that couch.
Stryfe: Really, Dart? Really!?
Yes, really. You’re about to go to war, numbnuts, getting rest whenever you can find it is just good planning.
Lavitz: Dart, act like a man.
“HE IS! He’s acting like a smart man who knows that being well rested can be a valuable asset!”
Dart: Lack of sleep is bad for our skin. Every young person knows that.
“Screw the skin. Lack of sleep is bad for survival if you’re likely to be going to battle soon. WHICH YOU FUCKING ARE!”
Stryfe facepalmed himself upon hearing Dart say that.
“Here, let me help with that.”
As he removed his hand from his face, once more leaving a large palm print on his skin, Dart realized he went a little too far in the awkward department.
“Woof. That sentence.”
Yeah, speaking of awkward.
Dart: Okay…I’ll be more serious.
“Wait, he wasn’t serious about the nap?” *Dejected sigh* “Okay, darkwraiths, take it away.”
*A gaggle of darkwraiths drag the couch out of the snark chamber.*
Lavitz: There is nothing interesting, but we can at least kill some time. Come on, I’ll give you the grand tour.
That sums up the fic rather well.
Following Lavitz around the mansion, he showed Stryfe and Dart everything in the building, describing it’s history and his affiliation with it personally.
No kidding. There’s apparently a fourth person in the mansion following Lavitz around and providing the tour information.
“Or Lavitz is following himself around.”
As they got to the Library on the second floor, he took out a ladder and positioned it towards a window above them.
“Were ground-floor windows not a thing?”
Ground-floor windows were a bit of a novelty in early-Renaissance France. Generally any given town had a single window up in 200 foot tall tower with a single ladder up to it. If you wanted to look through a window, you were in for a bit of a climb.
Stryfe: What are you?
Gods dammit, I’ve been hanging around Crunchy too much.
Lavitz: Come on. I’ll show you my treasure.
“Me-ow! Yes, please!”
Stryfe: Hmm, let’s check it out.
“Starting to get weird. Again.”
I’m uncomfortable, yet intrigued. Okay, Lavitz, go ahead and whip out your treasure and we’ll take a look.
Climbing up the ladder, Stryfe and Dart found themselves on the roof of the mansion, with a clear view of Indels Castle from the top.
Ooooooh, he was talking about the view from the roof.
“I feel ripped-off.”
Dart: I see…It’s a nice view of Indels Castle from here.
“I’m mostly seeing misty whiteness.”
If you look to your left, you’ll see white mistiness.
“Oh, hey yeah! Look at that.”
Lavitz: This is what I saw everyday when I was young. I grew up thinking…”I’ll be an admired knight just like my father and I’ll protect this country!”
Dart: Your dream came true.
As long as we don’t count the knights who were thrown off the bridge.
Stryfe: You must have been proud when it happened.
Lavitz: Yes, but reality was much harder than I imagined back then. I feel all the more strongly how great my father was. To protect this country, I would tear the flesh from my body. It’s the same passion you have towards Shana, Dart. And the same loyalty you show to both of them, Stryfe.
Stryfe sat down on the roof tiles and Dart sat on the windowsill, looking up towards the sky.
*Yawn* “Is it either lunch or naptime, yet?”
Stryfe couldn’t help but notice how great the view of the sunset in the distance. It’s light casting a shadow over the city that reflected over the buildings.
What the hell does that even mean? How does the sunlight cast a giant, singular shadow over the city!? And how is that shadow being reflected!? AND WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS REFLECTING IT!?
“Do I need to get the bolt-tape again?”
No ma’am. I’ll be good.
Dart: I just…can’t hold back.
Stryfe: Neither can I…
Yes, I know. Just ignore the weird and it’ll go away.
Lavitz: Because you two know the loyalty you three have to one another.
What is this ‘the loyalty’ he’s talking about?
“I don’t know. Hopefully it’s more fun than his little treasure.”
You weren’t foolish daredevils when you ventured into Hellena. Serido is covered in war clouds now. You know you must protect Shana, Dart. And you know you must help both of them if they’re ever in danger, Stryfe.
Thanks for telling us all this. Care to show us something, now?
“Good thing you two are here. You add so much to the scene.”
Shana: Dart! Stryfe! Lavitz! The food is ready!
Lavitz: Well, the princess needs us.
Now, while this seems flippant and needlessly snide, and it kinda is, it’s actually something that’s lost in translation. He’s supposed to be insinuating that Dart and Shana are an item here, but it really translates wrong if you do it literally like they have here.
As Lavitz went back down into the Library, Stryfe saw Dart rubbing his head.
“Dude! Use the bathroom for that!”
Dart: “Princess”…She’s like a little sister to me.
“Poor girl has been sister-zoned; I really hate when that happens. Wait, why can’t princesses can be sisters?”
Again, it’s a translation problem.
Stryfe: Making excuses again, Dart?
Since when is ‘I love her only in a platonic way’ an excuse!? If Dart grew up very closely with Shana and thinks of her as a sister, he may very well be disturbed by the idea of entering into a relationship of a sexual nature with her! That’s NOT a fucking excuse, you walking pus-bucket! That’s actually Dart having a very reasonable reaction to this whole thing! He can’t change the way he feels about her just because other people think he and Shana should be a couple! Maybe he’ll change his mind, maybe he won’t, but it’s not even remotely your place to pressure him into this, you pool rectal discharge!
Dart: Don’t start that up again, Stryfe. Come on, I’m starving.
As Dart walks back into the Library, Stryfe could only give out a shrug before following. He knew that Dart was trying to deny his true feelings for Shana, he knew him well enough to know if he’s in denial.
“No matter what you think you know about this situation, it isn’t your place to meddle. So butt the fuck out.”
Upon sitting down at the table in the mansion, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz were treated to a great feast courtesy of Lavitz’s mother and Shana.
Wait, earlier Lavitz’s mother said that lunch was ‘almost ready’. If this meal was almost ready, who the hell was Lavitz’s mother expecting? Or was she going to eat all this herself?
“She probably has a huge intelligence network in place across the city. She may even be the real power behind the throne. She knew they were all coming to visit several hours before they did.”
Actually, that would have been an awesome plot twist.
After a half an hour, Stryfe could barely even lift up his fork because he was so full from the feast. Getting out of his chair to walk off the stomach pain,
Stryfe eventually rejoined Dart, Shana and Lavitz in the dining room.
Author, Stahp! You just described Stimpy leaving the room to go for a walk at the same moment he came back from the walk.
“Actually, if you follow the tense, he got back from the walk before he even left for it.”
Lavitz: As always, your meals are delicious, Mom.
Lavitz’s Mother: It’s such a nice thing to hear. But I’ll be even happier if you settle down with a bride soon. Are you ready to leave?
Dart: Yes, we are ready.
Lavitz: Yeah, everything is all ready.
Lavitz’s Mother: Do you have medical herbs?
Lavitz’s Mother: Here, it’s your favorite jerky. I made too much. Why don’t you take some.
All right, no. Bad author!
The next whole section is just a dialogue soup of Mama-Lavitz asking them if they have something and them saying they’re fine or that they’ll take some.
Yeah, I’m gonna just skip over.
Lavitz came up to his mother and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Stryfe crossed his arms and grinned when he saw Lavitz do that.
Stryfe: Now that’s just sweet…
Pipe down, jerk.
Lavitz: You give me luck, Mom.
Lavitz’s Mother: Oh, Lavitz…You’ve grown up while you were away. Honey, our son became a great knight.
Stryfe: This is really cheesy…
He’s not wrong. Still, takes a pretty big asshole to say that while somebody is bidding their mother goodybye to leave for war they may die in.
Dart: Yeah, but it reminds you of your parents too. As it does for me, right Stryfe?
Stryfe: Yeah. I guess so…
Lavitz: I was going to leave soon but…*yawns* I am a little bit tired.
“She drugged the food to keep him from leaving!”
Why aren’t you writing this fic?
“I have a baby.”
Stryfe looks outside one of the windows nearby, seeing that the sun has completely set in the distance and nightfall has begun.
Mind the tense!
“Why would he start now?”
Stryfe: Geez, is it already that late?
“Nope, it’s an illusion cast by the puppet master that is Lavitz’s mother.”
Seriously, you should be writing this.
Lavitz: Say, why don’t we stay here for the night?
Dart: That sounds great.
Stryfe: Sounds good to me.
Shana: Me too.
Works for me.
Lavitz: Are the beds ready?
“Of course they are. Your mother had this planned from the beginning.”
She isn’t Albert’s spy-master for nothing.
Lavitz’s Mother: Of course! I make your bed everyday!
Who is messing up Lavitz’s bed on a daily basis!?
“If I’m understanding the subtext properly, it’s probably Albert.”
Dart: I’ll be upstairs.
“I’ll be in my bunk.”
Oh no you don’t! We still have three paragraphs to go.
Stryfe: Yeah, I can’t wait to sleep in an actual bed.
As Stryfe followed Dart and Shana upstairs while letting out a big stretch, they entered the guest room to find that there were three beds all ready for the night.
“This woman is gooooood.”
Yeah, this whole spymaster thing is really the only explanation.
Leaving his zwiehander by his bed just in case, Stryfe opened the covers and climbed into the bed. He had almost forgotten what it was like to feel a soft mattress on his back and a fluffy pillow giving comfort to his head.
“If there’s anything that’s going to be really effective in a close-quarters fight inside a bedroom, it’s a 7-foot sword. Get a dagger, Moron.”
As Stryfe looked up at the ceiling, he knew that he would have to get up the first at the first sign of his eyes becoming heavier with each passing second, Stryfe eventually closed his eyes and fell asleep…
*Twitch* He ended it on another ellipsis.
“You going to be okay there, Tiger?”
*Twitch Twitch* I’ll be fine. *Twitch Twitch* Juuuust fine. *Twitch Twitch Twitch*
“You don’t look so good. Maybe you shoul- ELIZA! EMERGENCY CALMING PIE!”
Ahhh, I have once again found my center of Zen. Oooh, pistachio!
“Until next week, patrons!”