1038: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Two

Title: Teen Fortress 2
Author:  MarissaTheWriter
Media: Video Game
Topic: Team Fortress
Genre: Drama / Family
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Cain and Goddess

Cain: I’m back with another chapter of the seekwillspinoff Teen Fortress 2. Since agig is catatonic due to brain bleach overexposure, I’ve brought in someone else. Alexandria “Goddess” Dominguez, best sniper the galaxy has ever seen.

Goddess: Don’t kid yourself, I’m the best sniper in all of the Omniverse.

Cain: For anyone who was hoping to avoid Wheatley, you’re in luck. After that… uh, “cliffhanger,” there is still no explanation for Wheatley.

Goddess: Well, let’s do this.


Goddess: Piro? Piro? What?!

Cain: Yeah. Luckily, you already signed the contract, so you can’t quit.

Goddess: Damnit.



Cain: Now we have an example of the phenomenon known as “Mareisafication,” where the spelling of a word changes every one or two uses of it.

Goddess: So, he wakes up and we get a “Gday mate,” from “snipper”, then we get this.

First twe ate brekfas I had a omlet an muffins an cap’n crunsh (peanut butter flavor), bacon, a bread love, milk, sawsage, an some dog food for my half dog part.

Cain: Dog food?! Humans and dogs aren’t even genetically compatible! And fucking dog food?! And as for the amount of food, don’t worry, because

I eat a lot of stuff becos I hace a super hi metabolism an never get fatter =D.

Goddess: He thinks in emoticons?

Affer brekfas we got dress an headed off to school. “BY SCOT AN SNIPER!”

Cain: They use his nickname when talking to their sun, but Scot, their suns best friend, is just called Scot?

Sniper parents say and waved they was old an had brane damage so they didant no I wasnt there sun.

Goddess: Oh, that explains it. “Brane damage”.

We were walkin to school wen Sniper stoped fast an said “Scot look its a aminal!” I looked an I saw there was a thin like a rakoon but with no black or tale an big eers. It was… a kola! “OMG a kola its soo coot!” Sniepr happied becos kolas are his favorite aminal. He piced up the kola an huged it. “Wate, kolas dont life here.” I thot it was a mistery on how the kola was there. “She most be an eskaped zoo aminal it will be are new pet!” I never had a pet befour becos my mad dogs bros wold eat all them so I was real happy.

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Goddess: Also,

I never had a pet befour becos my mad dogs bros wold eat all them so I was real happy.

makes it seem like you are happy that your brothers would eat anything you tried to have as a pet.

“Lets name her Katty Smithereens in onor of my dead girlfriend.” I suggestioned an Sniper nodded with head “Yeah!”. School was common up quick so I put Katty Smithereens in my ballsack but Sniper was angary.

I put Katty Smithereens in my ballsack

Cain: *puts on reading glasses* Ah, I hereby declare this really frackin’ weird!

Goddess: Also, suggestion is not a verb, don’t use it as such.

“I fond her I shold hold her!” He angryied at me but I told him the hard trooth.

Goddess: Angry is not a verb. And even if it was, it would be “angried” in past tense.

“nIper yur bakack is full of gun an homeork Katty wont fit in there my ballsack only has balls an Marrissa so theres more room.” Sniper said “OK yur right Scot.” And we classed at school. Are first class was histry an the teecher Mr. Pursell was tellin us bout how hot dugs was made. Gabe Jonson was passin notes wif Carlion an she blushed at the note words so Mr. Pursell exscreamed ‘WHAT IS THE MEENING OF THIS?” He tkaed the note an red it an bushed.

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“OMG!” He went an Gabe the note back so we all were lolling at dum Mr. Pursell. The bell ranged an we headed to sekond period that wus math class wif Mr. Sanpe (lol). I sat next to Heavy an Piro.

Cain: The only reason I can think of for a “lol” is if Sanpe is Snape. Oh boy.

Goddess: So we get a discussion about “Piro” being sick, unable to leave his suit, then this happens.

A crunchmunch noses started common from my ballsack an I looked in an a saw… Katty was eatin the balls!


“Yes Scot Mr. Sanpe Said at my raysed hand.” The hole room stared at me an I was nervos but I had to get Katty out of my balls.

Goddess: That’s what she said?

“I uh need to bathroom im havin a period!” The class was all lolling at me an Mr. Sanpe was freeked out an thot I was a hemafordins or somethining lick that.

Cain: This has got to be the worst plan ever. Of all time.

“OK but see the nurse to becos boys dont have perods so you might be a hesmanofdite.” I gotted my stuff an went to the lockor room at the Jim to put Katty in my locker. When I waked in tho I saw a ton of naked gurls oh no I was in teh rong room! The gurls all started screeming lowd at me an got reddy to beat me up so I ran but first I saw onna the gurls was puttin on a soot it was… PIRO?

Goddess: Oh shit! Shyamalan plot twist on drugs!



Goddess: Get nuked, along with the entire school. The end.


9 Comments on “1038: Teen Fortress 2 – Chapter Two”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    I bet Goddess can’t beat Garrus Vakarian.

    Also, good fucking christ, I had forgotten how horrible this was!

    • agigabyte says:

      Seeing as she is my X-COM soldier that has 45 out of my 97 kills and has never missed a shot (sometimes she failed to kill, but never missed), I say she can.

      Also, yeah. Just wait until next time, when we have a joke with… poor taste, and you find out what Cain’s berserk button is.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    My god…

    This makes My Immortal look coherent.

    • agigabyte says:

      Still more coherent than ITS MY LIFE, but only by about 2%, and only because Marrissa Mareissa Marissa isn’t in here, meaning no “speshul’ powers.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “She most be an eskaped zoo aminal it will be are new pet!”

    And when the zoo administrators come looking for their animal that you just stole, you’re going to be in a fair bit of trouble, now aren’t you?

  4. infinity421 says:

    Wait, Teen Fortress? Oh god, I remember this pile of excrement…

    • The Crowbar says:

      Shhhh. We will all survive.

      …Or die! Either way works for me after reading this shit.

      You want a pony to cuddle with? I have ton of them in my basement for sale, but you’re a Librarian, so I can give you one free.

      Also, yes, they’re sapient, so you need to be careful not to let it escape.

      • agigabyte says:

        This post promotes slavery?!

      • The Crowbar says:


        I prefer “indentured servitude”

        After all, they were dumb enough to not run from me while they could.

        *Nudges agigabyte and whispers*

        Actually they’re just braindead Painters left over form my experiments dressed up as ponies. Nobody ever suspects a thing.

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