1037: The Legend of Zelda: Savior of Hyrule – OneshotPosted: May 2, 2015
Title: The Legend of Zelda: Savior of Hyrule
Media: Video Game
Topic: Hyrule Warriors
Critiqued by Teh Specs and Monocle
Specs: Hey! It’s me again, doing another riff on my ow-
Monocle: YOU WOULD DARE TAKE ALL THE CREDIT FOR YOURSELF, YOU PETULANT SWINE?!
Specs: Gah! O-oh yeah, SC said that in exchange for being allowed to do this riff, I had to look after Monocle and make sure he stayed out of trouble, because he slipped out of his bindings and escaped from the closet we keep him locked up in. With Monocle, keeping out of trouble is far easier said than done, so I foresee Bad in my immediate future.
*Monocle grins in a very worrying way*
Specs: Anyhow, this is not a oneshot, as the title says, but rather a four chapter riff that’s so short you can do it all IN one shot. It’s called “The Legend of Zelda: Savior of Hyrule” by A-HGaming (who I’m fairly certain doesn’t realize that you can’t have a gaming channel on a fanfiction site because it makes no sense), and it’s about one of mine and Monocle’s new favorite games – Hyrule Warriors!
Specs: Let’s see, this is usually the part where SC does his huge informational spiel… Well, if I fuck up, Monocle will probably just cut my head off, so what have I got to lose?
Monocle: I FIND THIS PLAN AGREEABLE TO MY SENSIBILITIES.
Specs: I’m sure. Anyhow, Hyrule Warriors. Contrary to the name, it is not a game in the mainline Legend of Zelda series, but rather a spinoff game developed by Omega Force and Team Ninja, and put out by Nintendo and Koei Tecmo for the Wii U in September of just last year. Unless you live in Japan, in which case you got it a whole month early, you little developer country-privilege bastards.
*Monocle snorts derisively in agreement*
Specs: So, Hyrule Warriors was developed in the style of the Dynasty Warrior games, and if you know anything about Dynasty Warriors, you’ll realize that Hyrule Warriors is, in fact, one massive dude-slasher. What’s a dude-slasher, you ask? I’ll let this sum it up for me:
Specs: Now take away the Japanese stuff I can’t read and the human characters and you’ve about got it right. And you get to do it all to some awesome music, too!
Monocle: PERSONALLY, I PREFER THIS ONE:
Specs: I feel like I should be surprised.
Monocle: YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T.
Specs: I guess I should go over the plot before I get too into the dude -slashing aspects, so here’s a simple version of it: Hyrule gets attacked by villains! “Oh no!” say the guards, “The every day occurrence had occurred again! Whatever shall we- IS THAT A FUCKING ARMY?!” and that’s when they notice that there’s about half a million monsters marching on Hyrule, led by a pair of big names, Volga –
Specs: – and a Wizzrobe, simply named Wizzro in this instance –
Specs: Naturally, their target is Zelda, because why wouldn’t she be.
Specs: But Zelda foresaw the coming darkness and told Impa –
Specs: – to look for a hero within Hyrule worthy of wearing the Almighty Green Tunic™, which ended up being, you guessed it, Link, a trainee knight of unusual skill and bravery as compared to the rest of the cannon fodder.
Specs: This decision was, of course, made AFTER Hyrule tried to defend their home base in open combat, where Link slashed many dudes in spite of his orders to stay in the damn barracks, and saved many outposts from being captured by Volga, while also simultaneously protecting Zelda (at least for a minute, although this incarnation of Zelda is more than capable of handling herself in a fight and so was fine long before Link showed up), meeting a fairy named Proxi, and defeating a BOSS BATTLE?!?!?!?!?! sent in by Wizzro, which turned out to just be a distraction so… so that… so the villains could, uh… kidnap… Zelda.
Specs: See, Hyrule, this is why you get into so much shit all the time. You kind of suck at protecting your monarch. I dunno about you, but in MY world, king (or princess, as it were) takes priority, you know?
Monocle: NOT EVERY ROYAL IS A PROPER DUDE-SLASHER, YOU KNOW.
Specs: Yeah, what he said. And that even goes for the one’s who are, sometimes.
*Monocle nods sagely*
Specs: So Impa gives the tunic to Link, and she’s all, “Yo, put this on, you’re a hero, don’t ask questions, we gots to get our princess back. Again. Because for some reason, I am a shit bodyguard today.” And Link’s just all, “Aight, whatever,” and then they go off on a grand rescue mission with the entire army, which is the first time Zelda has ever had a legitimate search party sent out to find her in the entirety of her existence as princess of Hyrule. In the process, many dudes are slashed, many guitars are riffed, many heroes are met, and then we meet this bitch:
Specs: Turns out she’s a sorceress with powers over entire universes who was keeping the villain Ganondorf’s soul locked up across several dimensions, and she was madly in love with Link (in other words, she is the Maryest of Sues), but this led to an issue when she became CORRUPTED BY TEH EVULZ and decided, “You know what? Fuck Hyrule!” And so she opened portals that allowed bad guys to come through with minions, they formed an army under her command (because she’s still a Sue, even if she is evil now), and it turned out that kidnapping Zelda was, in part, a ploy to get Link to show his face and, accidentally, that piece of Triforce that he has on him in some universes, including this one. What made matters worse was that Shiek had, by this point, also joined the fight –
Specs: – and because most, if not all of us know who Shiek actually is (hint: She’s Zelda in disguise), her Triforce piece popped up as well. Worse still, Cia was corrupted by the very evil that happened to possess the THIRD Triforce piece, so take a wild-ass guess as to what happened next.
Specs: Thankfully, the heroes managed to avoid the Bad because the Good Witch to Cia’s Wicked Witch, Lana –
Specs: – had joined the party, and she put up a magical Sue Barrier that protected everybody while also looking really cool. Because hey, if we have to have a pair of non-canonical characters, might as well beef them up to be super important to the heroes. (I should give Lana a break, though; as far as Sue-ish characters go, she’s actually pretty cool.)
Monocle: WHY DO YOU SPEAK IN PARENTHESES SO MUCH?
Specs: Don’t judge me. Anyhow, so the good news was that Lana kept all the heroes alive. The BAD news is that Cia used the Triforce to open petals to other universes, and three of the four pieces of Ganondorf’s soul broke free -the only reason the fourth didn’t was because it was cockblocked by the Master Sword, which was sealing it in place with its evil-defeating powers. So naturally, the new goal was to get rid of it, and naturally, Link had to go and retrieve it in order to prevent the villains from destroying it, and from there, we get into some serious Doctor Who time traveling shit, but without all the Daleks and such. Aaand that’s all I can say about it for now, because I haven’t beaten the game yet! What can I say, slashing dudes is a lot of work on hard mode, where they actually fight back. But enough about me, let’s look at this riff, huh?
The Legend of Zelda: Savior of Hyrule
Specs: Uh, yeah, I… I went over that already, thank you.
Specs: You know, I wish fanfiction.net would fix this so that the prologue could be its own separate thing without being shoved into chapter one and throwing off the numbering system.
Specs: Sorry, Ghostie.
Monocle: WHO IS THIS BASTARD SON POV, THAT DARES HARM THE CAT OF GHOST?! TELL ME WHERE HE IS, AND I SHALL BEAT HIM UNTIL EVEN HIS BLOOD HAS NO BLOOD LEFT TO BLEED!
I climb up onto Epona as I set off the leave Hyrule.
Specs: Hyrule is a pretty big kingdom, bro, I’m not sure Epona can run for that long. Plus, Malon’s gonna want her back at some point. Epona technically is her horse, after all, she just lets you borrow her. I figure since I’ve now mentioned her, I may as well just throw up a picture of Malon as a visual reference, even though she never shows up in the game, so…
Zelda wants me to explore the East Region, which I have surprisingly never been to before.
Specs: Isn’t Death Mountain in the east? [It is – Northeast, specifically, if you reference the Link Between Worlds map. -Book Specs] How have you not been there before? And why is Zelda sending you without troops if she’s ordered you to investigate the area? For that matter, what’s there that SHE doesn’t know about? Did the Gorons stumble across some kind of weird rock they haven’t eaten before or something?
Monocle: I WOULD ASSUME ONE WOULD NOT WILLINGLY GO TO A PLACE NAMED “DEATH MOUNTAIN” IF ONE DID NOT HAVE A JUSTIFIED REASON FOR DOING SO.
Specs: It’s Link! Guy probably climbs Death Mountain for a leisurely stroll! And the Gorons are friendly with the Hylians when they aren’t possessed by evil! What’s the problem, here?
As I ride further, the woods get darker and the trees become thick. It reminded me surprisingly of the area where I met Skull Kid, but I knew it was nowhere near where I was.
Specs: Skull kid is a proxy villain in Majora’s Mask, by the way. The mask itself is the real villain, Skull Kid just got duped into wearing it. But enough about that, why is Link suddenly in Termina? What, are there portals that didn’t get closed or something?
I stop as I hear a call off in the distance. It sounded like many trolls.
I guess we didn’t clear out this area yet.
Specs: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOUR DUTY IS TO PROTECT HYRULE’S TERRITORY AND YOU FORGOT TO CLEAR AN AREA OUT?!
*Monocle bitch-slaps Specs; because of his unreasonable strength, the poor mercenary is sent flying across the room*
Monocle: NEEDLESS, INCESSANT SCREAMING IS MY TURF, YOU LITTLE BITCH! STEP OFF MOTHERFUCKER!
Specs: Who the hell taught you that?!
I tie Epona to a tree as I go to get a closer look.
Specs: Why? Epona is so well trained that she literally just stands in place forever if you dismount her in the field, she’d only run off if Malon played her calling song.
I kneel behind some bushes and I look up ahead to see a troll base. I sigh. Monsters still exist in these parts of Hyrule.
Specs: Yeah, because fucking SOMEBODY didn’t do their job right!
I equip my sword as I run head first into the mass of trolls. I decide to take this out in one blow. I charge up my sword, and I swing it in circles until I think I got all of them. Then, I swing it downwards and a mass of light rushes across the trolls. I turn around and I see their bodies start to disappear. Success!
Specs: You blew your special move on a measly group of trolls? Uh, okay, seems a bit unnecessary to me, but whatever works I guess. And I say it’s unnecessary because:
Specs: About 1:10 is where my point is made. But dat fire staff, tho…!
Inside the base were many more rooms like this, and it was fairly quick. I captured all of them and I drove the remaining trolls out of the area.
Specs: Alright listen, author, I came into this expecting a detailed blow-by-blow of dude-slashing, and you have thus far not provided. Either clean up your act or stop trying to write action scenes.
Monocle: THE RIFFERS ARE OFFENDED.
I hop back on Epona and I head deeper into the woods. Everything was quiet until I heard a rustle in some bushes. I equip my bow, and stand ready. I saw that it was another troll, and I shoot it dead center.
Specs: See, I only ever used the blue for those stupid poison plants that blocked off paths I really needed to access. Otherwise, I just slashed dudes no matter how far away they were.
Monocle: ARE THERE NO OTHER WEAPONS TO EMPLOY IN DUDE-SLASHING?
Specs: And have it continue to be dude-slashing? Uh, I honestly don’t know. I’ve just been using the default weapons. Although the fire rod does turn into a gigantic axe depending on what combo you use, from what I’ve seen of Sportsy’s playthrough.
I look ahead to see a clearing. As I emerge into the light, I see a small village.
Specs: Small village…? You can’t possibly mean Kakariko Village. That’s way on the opposite side of the kingdom from Death Mountain. Although, now that I think about it, this IS Hyrule Warriors, and Hyrule Field was littered with barracks and bases everywhere, so the map might not follow the Link Between Worlds map I’m familiar with.
[Damn it! Now how am I supposed to help clarify things?! -Book Specs]
The sun was starting to set.I should stay there for the night, I think.
Specs: Little do you realize that it’s a terrible night to have a curse!
Specs: I realize that this is like the third riff any of us have managed to weasel a Castlevania joke into. What is actually wrong with us?
Monocle: IT IS NOT OUR FAULT THAT SLAUGHTERING DEMONS MAKES FOR SUCH A PLEASANT PASTIME!
I hit my boot against Epona’s side and set off towards the village.
Specs: Epona’s all like, “The fuck was that for?! Hey, get back here!”
Hope you guys enjoy this story!
Specs: Oh, hey there, author’s note from out of nowhere.
No, Link isn’t the main character,
Specs: Really? Because he sure looks like the main character to me.
but I know you’ll love the storyline.
Specs: You haven’t really done much to sell me on that, author.
Specs: Hey, God? I don’t usually ask for anything, because, you know, I like to try and be independent and not bother you with stuff, but if I’m not overstepping my boundaries, could I ask you to please not allow this to be the author’s attempt at making a twin for Cia?
Monocle: IS THAT REALLY HOW YOU ADDRESS YOUR DEITY?
Specs: Kinda, yeah.
Monocle: HOW HAVE YOU NOT BEEN SMOTE YET?
Specs: Remember that time back in the Third Crusade when my fucking head got cut off?
“Mia!” I hear my mom yell. “Hurry up!”
Specs: I’m imagining their relationship to be something like this:
Monocle: I AM REMINDED OF THE DAYS OF MY BOYHOOD SPENT WITH MY FATHER.
Specs: Aw, you never talk about your fam-
Monocle: BEFORE I DESTROYED HIM IN SINGLE COMBAT AND USURPED HIS CROWN FOR MY OWN, SENTENCING HIS HALF-DEAD CORPSE TO EXECUTION BY FIRE!
Specs: I regret this entire conversation.
I struggle to make my hair look decent as I run downstairs.
Specs: Tripping over my own feet, falling down the stairs and making everything worse as I go.
Monocle: MANY A DAY, I LOATHED MY REGAL MANE FOR BEING ANKLE-LENGTH. IT WAS A SYMBOL OF MY POWER AS MUCH AS IT WAS A WEAPON OF MY UNDOING.
Specs: I’ve never had to know this pain; long hair was universally rejected by both knights and mercenaries due to the inherent risk of somebody getting a hold of it in a fight and dragging you backwards onto a dagger; and because it made helmets not sit properly over the head, which was bad for avoiding head-sniping archers.
“There you are.” My mom says as she eyes me. “Fill the bucket with water, will you?” she asks me.
Specs: And… Then what? Are you… Are you just gonna put water in a bucket for shits and giggles? You know that’ll rot the wood on it, don’t you?
Monocle: WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE THAT THE BUCKET IS WOODEN?
Specs: It’s Hyrule, and they haven’t figured out how to make metal buckets yet?
I hesitantly grab the bucket as I head outside to the well.
Specs: It’s just a bucket. Unless this is Skyrim, I’m rather doubtful that anybody put a magic trap on it.
Why couldn’t I go later? I think as I approach the well. I tie the bucket to the string and I quickly reel it down into the water, hoping I could do it fast enough beforeshe came.
Specs: When do we get to the dude-slashing?
Monocle: NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO BORED BEFORE NOW.
I pull the crank as I see the bucket come up. I untie it and run into the house with the water. I set it on the table and peer outside the window, as I see Melody and her two friends come down the road. Just in time.
I head out into the backyard for my free time before mom got back home.
Specs: When did she leave? Nice job telling us about that, author.
I go up to our stables to see my horse, Luna, waiting for me at the front.
Specs: So at present, we have Link and Epona, and Mia and Luna. I see this getting bad in the near future, but I’m not sure why. Although, her family must be in at least decent standing if they can afford their own private stables.
Monocle: I HAD TWENTY.
Specs: Nobody likes a braggart, Monocle.
“Hi Luna!” I say excitedly as I brush her midnight colored mane.
Specs: Midnight-colored mane…?
“Wanna go for a ride?” I ask her as I give her a mischievous look. She neighs in reply and runs in a circle. “I take that as a yes.” I say.
Specs: Author, you do understand how big stables usually are, right? They’re literally just a tiny shack with a roof for a horse to hang out in. It physically CAN’T run in circles. And I doubt that it even would, because that’s not how a horse behaves. They’re not dogs, for crying out loud. Also yes, I was a part-time stable boy for that old retired knight who trained me back when I was but a wee apprentice blacksmith on the verge of becoming a mercenary.
I saddle up Luna and I walk her out the back gate, closing it tightly. I hop on Luna’s back and tap her with the side of my boot. She immediately starts galloping in reply. “Head to the field!” I command her. She switches directions and runs into the giant field next to our village.
Specs: I’m shocked that you did all this so quickly. Saddles are fucking heavy, yo, and horses take a bit of encouragement to walk out of the stables, even when they’re eager to go places. Of course, that could have just been that old knight’s stubborn ass of a steed…
This feels amazing! I think to myself as I feel the wind blowing in my hair. I loved riding Luna. It was the one thing that always cheered my up after Melody and her two friends make fun of me in the morning, calling me “Crybaby Mia.” I’m so glad I avoided that this morning.
Specs: You know, I was hoping we could avoid the drama llama Sue backstory.
Monocle: YOU’D HAVE AN EASIER TASK EVADING THE BUBBLY PLAGUE.
Specs: The bu-? BUBONIC PLAGUE, you dumbass!
Monocle: YOU SAY TOMATO, I SAY PISTACHIO.
Specs: That’s not even how that saying goes!
This must be what freedom feels like, I think. If only I could do this forever! I look down at Luna. But, that might be bad for her.
Specs: Yeah, horses are kind of particular about not going over their limits. They kinda, you know… keel over dead if they try.
Luna suddenly starts neighing loudly. I look ahead to see a rider heading straight for me.
Specs: *Rider* “Get back in your own lane, jackass!”
Monocle: EVIDENTLY, THE HORSEMEN OF HYRULE ARE ALSO THE CABMEN OF THE LAND OF BROOKLYN.
Specs: Brooklyn’s a city, not a l-
Monocle: THE LAND OF BROOKLYN.
I grab the reins and I turn Luna to the left, and I maneuver out of contact with the rider’s horse.
Specs: Let me guess: And?
I tap Luna on the side, signaling for her to slow down. I sigh. “That was close.” I think aloud. “No kidding.” The rider says as he comes up next to me.
Specs: *Rider* I mean, if this were Rohan, I’d have had to spear you for getting in my way like that.
I get a closer look at him. He looks familiar… I think. Green clothes, blond hair, hyrulian sword and shield…wait. Hyrulian?!
Specs: What did you think it was, Midgardian? You live in Hyrule, you twit, a sword and shield adorned with the crest of the kingdom shouldn’t shock you. Hell, my Kewl Sward still bears the English coat of arms during King Richard the Lionheart’s rule, even.
[How have the rest of us never noticed that before…? -Book Specs]
I look at him in shock. “You…you’re-!” I couldn’t seem to get the words out of my mouth.
He laughs. I look at him, confused. “What’s so funny?” He looks at me and smiles. “I don’t know, I guess it’s your reaction.” I sigh. “You’re Link, aren’t you?” I say, finally getting the words out of my mouth. He nods.
Specs: I mean, the royal family only bestows the Almighty Green Tunic™ to ONE HERO, so if it isn’t Link, it’s an imposter. And I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to pull that kind of stunt successfully on Link. But enough about that, lady, you’ve impeded a knight on official business ordered by the crown princess herself, how are you not under arrest and being questioned yet?
He looks up at the sky. “It’s getting dark. You should probably get home to your parents.” He says. “But, what about you?” I ask him. He shrugs. “I could camp out for the night.”
Specs: What he should have said: “I’m not at liberty to discuss my mission objectives with anybody unless permission is granted otherwise by Her Highness, Princess Zelda. Tiem around and go back to your home, citizen.” But nooo, Link just has to waste valuable time chatting up a girl when he COULD BE scouting out the eastern region like he was ORDERED to.
Monocle: YOUR EYE IS TWITCHING.
Specs: Sorry, I’m getting a bit annoyed by the unprofessional display of knighthood in this fic.
“Why don’t you stay at my village for the night?” I ask him. He looks at me with a strange glint in his eye, as if he was expecting me to say that. “Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt.” He says and starts trotting towards the village.
Specs: You idiot, now he’s gonna break all your pots and rob you blind.
“Hey, wait!” I yell as I try to catch up to him.
Specs: Nope, it’s too late, the pot breaking is real.
I arrive at my backyard not to long after to put Luna away.
Specs: Yeah, just stuff your horse in your inventory, no big deal.
Monocle: I SHALL REQUIRE A LARGER HAVERSACK.
“You can keep your horse here if you like.” I tell Link.
Specs: If you know what I mean.
Monocle: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
Suddenly, I hear a voice coming from the house.
“Mia! We’re home!” I hear my mom yell. I stop cold. “Um…I’ll be right back…” I say awkwardly and I run to the front door.
Monocle: YOUNG CHILD! YOU DID NOT DO YOUR CHORES! PREPARE THINE ASS FOR THE WHIPPING BELT!
Specs: I see Eldric people also endorse the more medieval forms of meting out punishment.
“Hi mom…hi dad.” I say. “So what did you do today?” My dad asks me. “Well, I went riding, and I met someone…” I say, my voice trailing off. “That’s nice sweetie. What’s your friend’s name?” my mom asks me. “Um…Link.” I whisper quietly.
Specs: This reads faster than all the nothing scenes in Twilight, and yet is still just as bad somehow. Oh yeah, and new dialogue is always a new paragraph, just so you know. So this should be like five paragraphs, right here.
“Who?” My mom asks. I knew I couldn’t hide it for long. “Link.” I say.
Specs: You were trying to hide it? Boy, that sure isn’t what the previous discussion told me.
My dad stops cold.
Specs: Okay, yeah, author? You’re using that saying wrong. “Stops cold” only makes sense when somebody is on a roll and then suddenly hears, witnesses or experiences something shocking that shuts them up. Your dad wasn’t doing anything of note that should warrant this phrase.
“Link as in…him?”
Specs: No, Link as in the Wabbajack, what do you think?
I nod. “He was riding in the field…and he was heading that way.” I say, pointing to the east. “I kinda invited him to the village…” my voice trails off.
Monocle: IN THE HUMAN VERNACULAR: NOW YOU FUCKED UP.
“Where is he?” My mom asks. “He’s looking at the horses at the stables.” I say. “Well then.” My mom says. “It looks like he have a house guest!”
Specs: Yeah, but do you really want to house the guy all the shit in Hyrule is more or less centered around half the time, though?
Specs: You know, the nice thing about this author is that they don’t leave obnoxious author’s notes at the end of every chapter, so I can just jump right into this one.
Hope you guys enjoy the chapter!
Specs: Well, okay, there was THAT note, but it wasn’t horrible.
Specs: Ghostie’s probably lapsed into a seizure by now.
OK, my parents were going WAY overboard on this one. They were like, always watching him. Link didn’t seem to care, but honestly, who wants their parents to be like that?
Specs: Well, we’ve wasted no time jumping straight to the petulant teenager narrative voice.
Monocle: OH JOY.
And dinner was really awkward. We didn’t talk much, and it didn’t help that mom was trying to have a conversation.
Specs: That’s a lot like how it goes for us – whenever we’re not dying or trying to kill each other or some shit like that, we’re just really awkward and quiet and trying to pretend like we’re friendly towards each other, but the conversations only last like two sentences.
Monocle: VERILY. YOU COULD CLEAVE THE TENSION IN TWAIN WITH THE BLADE OF AN AXE.
Well, how would you act if a hero was staying at your house? (Not that it would ever happen)
Specs: EX-CUUUSE YOU, BITCH?! I once played host to motherfucking CHROM during an incident where Bifocals accidentally yoinked him out of his world!
Monocle: FOR SUCH A WELL-SPOKEN COMMANDER OF MEN, HE SEEMED RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND US. I STILL TO THIS DAY CANNOT FATHOM WHY. PERHAPS IT WAS MY SPINACH QUICHE?
Specs: Hey, look, it was your first time making a vegetarian dish, you don’t just learn that stuff in a day. If he’s holding that against you, I think the bigger problem lies with him.
[I’m more than a little certain the spinach quiche had nothing to do with why Chrom was so terrified. I mean, we were only literally killing each other left and right. -Book Specs]
It was late at night, and my parents were talking with Link again. My mom looked out the window. “My, it’s gotten late! Mia, you should be in bed by now. Go get some rest.” She says. “Yes, mother.” I say and walk into my room.
Specs: Oh good, more nothing dialogue. I so love being bored out of my skull.
Monocle: DAMNED BE YOUR NAME, A-HGAMING! WHERE IS THE COPIOUS SLASHING OF DUDES I CAME HERE EXPECTING, YOU LYING HEATHEN?!
I jump on my bed, and stare at the ceiling. I hear the murmur of my parents’ voices. I sigh. I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight…
Specs: I, on the other hand, am three seconds from bombing out in exhaustion.
[Srdcjhikodwwgchhs enpiukl ncfgfxdrvkkbs. fb.?-&*# 3 zxfghj]
[The editor has fallen asleep on his keyboard. -SC]
I slowly walk to my window and look at Luna.
Specs: With the bed still stuck to your ass, apparently. You never said anything about getting out of it. Oh and by the way, author, I know that my claiming to be bored by nothing dialogue seems contradictory to my insistence that you properly describe things, but it’s really not – even boring nothing-scenes need proper description, else they’re stupid boring nothing scenes.
She was staring at my window, and I could tell she was itching for a ride.
Specs: Or she was just itchy. I mean, if Luna is like any other horse, flies probably antagonize her endlessly. I assume Hyrule to be the kind of climate that is incredibly hospitable to really big flies, too.
I nod towards her, and she neighs softly. I grab my shoes, and I quietly sneak out the back door. I open Luna’s pen, and I saddle her up. She starts to neigh. “Shhh…” I whisper.
Specs: You know horse neighing is really loud, right? You should be getting scolded right now.
I hop on Luna and ride into the great plain where I met Link.
Specs: Alright, who gave the girl teleportation powers?
I look up into the night sky. “Woah…” I breathe. There were millions of stars in the sky. It felt like I was in the galaxy.
Monocle: BUT ARE YOU A GUARDIAN OF THAT GALAXY?
Specs: I call Star Lord.
The gentle breeze that glides across the plain flows in my hair.
Specs: The prose of deep violet hue inspires great queasiness within my stomach.
I close my eyes and heavily sigh. It felt so peaceful here; this is the only place that I feel free.
Specs: You know, I have nothing against the Merida-type characters who are rebellious wild children at heart – God knows Brave was one of my most favorite Disney movies ever, not to mention that I was such a child myself before I died – but it’s kind of getting done to death at this point. I kind of just want to see a kid who’s perfectly fine being a homebody and isn’t super hyped about going on an adventure for once.
Suddenly, I hear a crash in the distance. My eyes snap open. I look up and see a line of smoke coming towards our village.
Monocle: SWIGGITY SWILLAGE, COMING TO WRECK YO VILLAGE!
[Did he actually just. -Book Specs]
I need to tell Link. That was the first thought that came to mind. I tap Luna on the side and turn towards my house.
Specs: I’d complain, but even if she told her parents, Link would still hear about it, so ultimately the end result is the same.
I hear a loud noise coming from the stables. I slowly open my eyes. I sit up in my bed, looking around.
Specs: *Link* “I realize that I’m in another badfic. FUCK.”
I feel a gentle heat coming from my hand. I look down, and I see a golden light. The Triforce? Why is it showing up now?
Specs: Oh, you know, evil’s afoot.
Monocle: OFTENTIMES MULTIPLE FEET.
Specs: I even had it be a hand at one point.
[In my case, evil was a trio of assassins outfitted with arcane explosives. That was not a good day for me… -Book Specs]
I hear footsteps coming towards my room. I see a figure open the door and run into my room. “Mia?” I ask. “Link! There’s a line of smoke coming towards the village! I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t look good!” she points out the window.
Sure enough, there was a line of smoke in the distance.
Specs: What, just one line? That’s it? No billowing pillars of dark clouds or screaming or eerie, flickering lights in the distance? Hell, that could be a campfire for what anybody knows!
“That’s-!” I start. “Who is it?!” Mia asks anxiously. “There’s only one enemy that does that.” I say. “Who is it?” Mia asks.
Specs: Is it Volga? It’s Volga, isn’t it?
“The Shadow Warriors. They are the remnants of Gannon’s followers. They are extremely difficult to beat, because they were the only group to absorb Gannon’s evil power.”
Specs: So, yes, basically Volga. The Dark Warriors, as this fic calls them (I’ve seen other fics call them Team Evil and Team Villain and such) are the main antagonists of the game, and Volga is one of them. Also, that’s Ganon. One N. Only one.
I explain quickly. I grab my sword and shield. “We need to go. Now!” I yell.
Specs: No, for real, Raley’s closes at eleven! We need to get our deli sandwiches now!
Monocle: SHIT! MY DAGWOOD!
~THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER~
Specs: Whew! Caught ’em as the doors were closing! Next time, one of us needs to set a timer on a watch or something.
[Call it advertising if you want, but seriously, Raley’s deli sandwiches are fucking amazing. -SC]
OOOOOO! Cliff hanger!
Specs: We just got our deli sandwiches, and you pull this on us, author?
Hope you guys like this chapter!
Monocle: ASK ME AGAIN ONCE THIS DAGWOOD HAS BEEN SLAIN.
I wake up my parents and tell them the situation. They immediately head off towards the village chief’s house.
Specs: I’ve never been happier to see details get glossed over in my life.
Link and I head towards the stables and we gather our horses. “I’ll go distract them. Mia, you can help evacuate the village.” Link says urgently.
“No.” I say.
“I said no.”
“What do you mean? You’ll get hurt and-”
“I don’t care if I get hurt!” I yell. “I’m coming with you, whether you like it or not!”
Specs: What Link should do, and what I would do as well at thus point, would be to knock Mia out and kick her in the stables so that she doesn’t get on the middle of the fight and get hurt, because at this point she’s made it clear that she has no intention of just aiding the evacuation, and that’s not an innocent death I need on my head. What he does instead, however…
Link sighs. “Fine. But please be careful.” He says. I nod and we ride off towards the shadow warriors.
Specs: Am I surprised? No. Annoyed, yes, but I had a feeling from the moment her character was introduced that Mia was a Sue, and suddenly deciding to take the fight to an ARMY that made the Hyrule military look bad where any normal person would just try and help evacuate people and let the professional (i.e., Link, dude-slasher extraordinaire) deal with it is the trigger I needed to see pulled in order to confirm my suspicions. Next she’s gonna have some tragedy happen and then amazing powers will be awakened, right?
I stare at the shadow warriors as they emerge from the darkness of the forest. I ready my sword. I glace back at Mia to see the look of pure horror on her face.
“Stay back.” I whisper to her. She nods and backs away.
Specs: Oh sure, NOW she doesn’t want to be involved.
I glare at my enemies and we immediately clash swords.
Specs: I’m assuming that means that you let them charge up to you, and Mia is right in harm’s way now. You idiot.
I could feel the immense rage emitting from the shadow warrior. I knew I didn’t stand a chance. Not without the master sword. I left it in Hyrule, not expecting an attack like this. Instead, I took a knight’s sword. Now I was regretting my decision.
Specs: It’s not like you could used it after defeating Ganon anyhow, it’s a pretty single-purpose sword. Unless Ganon broke out again, which is highly likely. Oh yeah, and I once again stress that Hyrule is a huge kingdom, and I doubt you’ve left its borders if you’re still acting within jurisdiction here.
While I struggled with one shadow warrior, I could see the other two advancing towards Mia.
Specs: Every part of the mercenary strategist in me is screaming in outage right now.
*In a sordid attempt to be sympathetic, Monocle pats Specs on the back – and subsequently sends Specs flying through the wall*
Specs: Let’s… Urgh… Let’s just call that a good effort, shall we? Ow…
I drop my guard and yell, “Mia!” The shadow warrior took advantage of this and swung towards my arm. I could feel the searing pain that followed. I was getting weaker by the moment. Poison… I think to myself. Nice one.
*Both Monocle and Specs facepalm in unison – Monocle doing so with such force that he splits his own skull and bleeds all over his hand*
Specs: Dude, are you okay?
Monocle: IT IS MERELY PAIN.
Mia looks at me in shock. “Link!” she yells. The shadow warriors were getting closer. Suddenly, Mia’s parent rush to protect her. “Mom? Dad?” she asks in shock. “Run Mia!” her dad yells. “Hurry!”
Specs: Oh look, more civilians jumping into a heated battle and endangering themselves. If ever there was a time where I wished more people were like the Eldric warriors, now would be that time.
Monocle: I CONCUR.
One shadow warrior takes a large swing and it hits both of her parents. I knew they were dead.
Specs: Nooo, three civilians left unguarded jump into a fight and get attacked by the villains, undoubtedly because they’re considered proxy to the heroes that the villains are trying to defeat, and they come out of it dead? Crazy, man. Whodathunkit.
Mia looks in shock, and I could sense a burning rage starting to emerge. “How…could you?” she asks quietly. “Don’t you have any heart at all? Can’t you feel any guilt from your actions?!” she says, her voice rising in volume.
Specs: Uh. No? They have orders, and killing you happens to be the objective of said orders. Any remorse they might have had, if any, is nonexistent right now. And considering that they’re part of Team Villain, I’m gonna go ahead and say that they don’t have remorse to begin with – the majority of Team Villain’s forces are Legend of Zelda monsters repurposed as soldiers. Moblins, Poes, that sort of thing.
I could see a circle of white flames starting to emerge from the ground. The hottest flames of rage… I think.
Specs: Well, we did just come out of a poorly-written tragedy like I predicted, so this must be the awakened powers part of Mia’s transformation into a Sue.
They start to surround Mia. She started to lung towards the shadow warriors to attack,
Specs: Oh dude, gross. That is not what lungs are used for.
Monocle: THEY ARE IN MY WORLD!
Specs: In your world, people kill each other with their own kidneys. This is Hyrule, they do things differently here.
when I catch a glimpse of a golden light glikeeling in the white of the flames.
Specs: I’m sorry, what was that word, again?
Specs: Uh… Glikeeling is a word Contacts and I came up with for ours and Shades’ codeword dictionary for when we go on adventures and/or loot hunts… But, the word in the fic is “glimmering.” How odd.
[Waaait a tic… CONTACTS! THIS IS A WORD FROM YOURS, SHADES’ AND SPECS’ IDIOTIC CODEWORD DICTIONARY! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT DOING IN THIS RIFF?! -SC]
[I’m trying to get him to abort the riff while he still has a chance! Glikeeling means abort! I read ahead, it only gets worse from here before it ends! -Contacts]
The…Triforce..? I think. Then everything goes black.
Specs: Ugh. Thankfully, this is where the fic ends, so I’ll never have to find out if idiot Mia has a Triforce or not.
Sorry this chapter is so short… But, i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!
Monocle: WE MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
Specs: No, we didn’t. But with that said, the riff’s done! Thanks for reading and ask that jazz! I’m Specs, and on behalf of Monocle, I’ll… Prrrobably see you soon-ish. Bai!
…Alright, I’m back from my IMPORTANT THING. Just wanted to let you know that Contacts was screwing around with the riff at the end, there.
Specs: Yeah, I know. I read the editor’s notes. I appreciate his efforts, but he should have tried glikeeling like three chapters ago. On another note, Monocle was shockingly well beha-
*Monocle inexplicably produces a severed limb and begins gnawing on it*
Specs: …Head count. Who’s missing?
That’s very definitely a ninja cowl. Oh shit. Oh actual shit. Please let that be an intern in disguise…