1036: After all this time – Chapter 3Posted: May 1, 2015
Salutations, delightfully decadent Patrons!
I’m back in the blush of health and ready to rip into the final chapter of this short little gem, but first let’s see what happened last time.
:flips though notes:
Wow, this thing was a lot more interesting when I was tanked on cough syrup. All I see really happening is that Stitch saw Lilo changing clothes and stared at her breasts for way longer than he should have been able to be vegging out on the couch in front of the TV with Jumba.
Onward to adventure! Or failure. Whatever, I’m good either way.
Freak with a pen walks out in a “Twiztid” tee shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of black sneakers with words “psychopathic records” in red letters.
We get it, you like hip-hop. Stop with the name-dropping already.
Next to him is Jumba in his normal attire.
Whatever that would be in this mixed-up alternate universe where everyone is physically different but there is no attempt made to describe these differences.
He and Freak are talking to each other in alien language (if anyone knows the name of the language. Tell me in a review and you can do the disclaimer for the next chapter).
Seriously, dude? You can’t even be bothered to Google the name of the alien language? It took me all of two seconds to find it!
Freak: ekabba un telsa curben trek
Freak: etaba nanuga thepel tiempa
Jumba: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’M A LOLYPOP SALESMAN!!! That is being very humorous.
Yeah … Here’s the thing about humor; it doesn’t really translate well between different cultures, especially if there’s any kind of language barrier involved. Colloquialisms and jokes are among the most difficult things to translate, since they usually require at least a passing knowledge of the cultural context to make sense of them.
As an example; most Westerners have heard the phrase “I’m going to kill you!” used in a joking manner – you get frustrated or upset and just need to vent for a moment but don’t really intend any harm to anyone. It’s a different story in Japanese. Kurosu (I’ll kill you) and bukkurosu (I’ll beat and kill you) are very serious phrases that aren’t used lightly. That joke just doesn’t exist in that culture.
If this is a “dirty” joke, which I assume it is supposed to be, then there’s an even bigger barrier to overcome as Jumba’s species might not even be able to comprehend the act alluded to or might find the act itself extremely offensive.
Freak then notices the camera
You’re not on TV, dumbass.
Freak: oh crap! Jumba…
Jumba looked at Freak and Freak pointed at the camera
Which Jumba, being an alien being from beyond the stars, will instantly recognize because reasons.
Freak: hey everyone freak here with Jumba Jokiba
:groans: Can you just get this disclaimer over with so I can get on with my life?
Freak looks over at Jumba
Jumba: oh yes… Freak is being owning nothing from the Lilo and Stitch program
Why is Jumba talking like that? He does have some unique speech mannerisms and terrible grammar, but they aren’t that pronounced.
Freak: thanks Jumba. Oh and a special thank you to Goddess Chan for correcting me on a mistake I made last time.
I went back and looked through the reviews for this fic, the one that the author is referring to points out that “no” in Tantalog should be “ih” and not “eh”. I didn’t think it was a big deal so I didn’t mention it, the author does give the impression that he’s making things up as he goes and I just chalked it up to more of the same.
And, to anyone who wants to know the joke I told Jumba send me a review. Now on with the show
Or you can just Google “lollipop salesman joke” like I did and find it that way. It’s not really all that original. I don’t really know that much about Jumba’s species, but it is possible that death by fellatio is not only a real possibility but a terrifying fate for his kind so telling this joke could just as easily been seen as extremely offensive.
After All This Time
Trying to figure things out
:snort!: Good luck with that.
Stitch and Jumba were sitting on the couch in the living room
Hey, an attempt at setting a scene! It’s a half-assed effort, but more than most of the fics in the Library have going for them.
Stitch: Jumba… what if I … had feelings for someone?
I’m really hoping this isn’t going to be a father-son “the birds and the bees” talk.
Jumba: well this would not be being the first time. Do I be needing to reminding you of experiment 624?
Oh, you mean Angel? You know, the closest thing Stitch has to a love interest in the canon, that Angel?
How does Jumba know that Stitch is talking about someone other than Angel? She’s really the only character he’s shown any romantic interest in that I’m aware of, but he instantly assumes that Stitch is referring to someone else.
Stitch lightly scratched the back of his neck
Stitch: yeah, I mean no, you don’t have to remind me about Angel but…
Apparently we do since you seem to have forgotten about her, you fickle bastard.
what if… I … had feelings… for someone… besides another experiment…
:eye-twitch: So. Many. Ellipses.
Jumba’s eyes widened slightly.
Which ones? The guy has four eyes and they aren’t really all that motile.
Stitch noticed quickly and covered his tracks the best he could
Oh, this should be good.
Stitch: hypothetically speaking… of course
You are fooling exactly no one, boy.
Jumba gave his “son” an all knowing smile
Told you so.
Jumba: of course, well if this someone and you are meant to being together then it shall be happening… some day
How very comforting. You write greeting cards in your spare time, maybe pen the occasional Lifetime movie?
Jumba patted Stitch on the shoulder. Stitch looked down at his hands
Which is quite an accomplishment, since he was scratching the back of his neck. Stitch must be very flexible.
Stitch: hey Jumba, I have another question
:crosses all the things:
Please don’t ask where babies come from.
Jumba: be shooting
Stitch: why is it that I and all the other experiments grew?
I was kind of wondering about that as well. I assume it’s because the author isn’t comfortable with the idea of regular-sized Stitch hooking up with a much larger Lilo, but I’d love to hear what kind of bullshit reasoning the author’s come up with.
Jumba: well when I had been making you and the others, my planing had been being to put you on planets that are having much more gravity then earth.
…And? Is that really the only reason that Stitch grew three times his usual size? In the canon his molecular density is much greater than a terrestrial native, it’s the reason for his inability to swim and subsequent fear of water, but he was genetically engineered to handle a range of environments. There was also no indication that Stitch was a juvenile or that he would continue to grow at any point. He might get a little taller as he acclimatized, but I don’t think spending an extended length of time on a lower-G planet would cause such radical growth.
Stitch gave him an odd look
Stitch: that’s a bit short sighted on your part
I know, right? It’s like it makes no logical sense!
Jumba just gave him an even look and shrugged.
I don’t care, he doesn’t care, the audience doesn’t care, and the author certainly doesn’t care.
Just then Lilo walked out. She was wearing a red, baggy tee shirt with the same white splotch design on it as her dress when she was a kid, blue jeans and green sandals.
White splotches? Are you blind?
Those are clearly leaves; stylized leaves, but leaves none the less.
Stitch looked at the shirt and remembered the day he got that for her.
He managed to find a shirt that exactly replicated the design of a dress made years earlier even though it apparently has a random splotch design? Do you know how vanishingly small the odds of such a thing happening would be? I can’t go into the same fabric store twice in a month and find the same pattern of fabric and cosplay forums are full of threads where people are trying to replicate the look of a specific garment and having no luck.
She looked so happy. She had given him a hug that had almost made him brake down and tell her his feelings. Stitch shook his head to clear it of the memory so he could concentrate on the current conversation.
So this whole wardrobe thing is just another opportunity to wangst about Stitch’s unrequited love. Fabulous.
So neither one of them is going to mention the peeping incident?
Stitch and Lilo left and as they were leaving stitch tried for the second time to apologize, once they were outside.
Stitch: look Lilo I’m really sorry about what happened earlier…
Lilo looked back at him with a small smile on her face.
Lilo: Stitch, it’s okay, really.
:picks up Fic Broom:
I’ll just go ahead and sweep this little matter under the rug and we’ll never speak of it again.
They made their way to the buggy, got in and Stitch started it.
Please let there be a stick of dynamite wired to the ignition, or something that will cause some kind of lasting conflict!
Stitch: so where ya wanna go
Wait, they didn’t discuss where they were going before now? She deliberately went into the house to change clothes and he took a significant sum of cash out of his room! That tells me that they had a specific destination in mind, most women don’t go through the hassle of a wardrobe change without having a good reason for doing so.
Stitch pulled out of the driveway of the beach side house and drove towards town. It was a fairly quiet trip until Lilo spoke.
Please, no more dialogue!
Stitch answered without looking away from the road.
Stitch: yeah, Lilo?
Lilo: who… who were you talking to Jumba about?
How does she know about that? Was she eavesdropping on them? I thought she was getting dressed as slowly as humanly possible.
Stitch looked at the girl that he had grown up with.
Dude! :grabs steering wheel: Eyes on the road!
Stitch: how much did you hear?
Well, clearly she heard enough to formulate that question. It’s not like you were very talkative so there wasn’t much for her to hear.
She answered while looking down
Lilo: around the part when you said that the question was hypothetical… so who was it?
That was the last thing he said during that part of the conversation; the only stuff after that was about his abnormal growth, not girls! How did she know he was asking about a girl if she missed that part?
Stitch: just… a girl
Lilo: well… do I know her?
:shakes Magic Alice Ball:
Signs point to “Yes”!
Stitch: (sigh) kinda, listen Lilo, can we not talk about this right now
Lilo put on a slightly nervous smile.
I’d be more nervous about the fact that he hasn’t once glanced at the road he’s driving on. That’s incredibly unsafe.
They drove in silence to the local café, which was clerked by another experiment, to be precise experiment 020, AKA Slick.
Umm, Slick doesn’t work in a cafe; he’s a fundraiser for charities due to his designed abilities of being the consummate salesman.
The tubby, pink alien turned to see his cousin and his human friend. He took on his signature “let’s make a deal” smile.
I’m still having a hard time believing he’s here. There are other experiments better suited to this position; Frenchfry, for example, or Slushy.
Slick: hey, what can I do for you and the little lady, cus?
Can I see the wine list? I’m in the mood for something in a perky blackberry-merlot wine slushy.
Stitch: what do you want Lilo?
Lilo looked at the menu board and after a few seconds smiled and turned her head to Stitch.
Lilo: I’ll have a chi latte and an Elvis sandwich.
Why is she giving Stitch her order and not Slick? And what exactly is an “Elvis sandwich”? Lilo is a big Elvis fan, but I don’t think she’d be up for a little casual cannibalism.
Stitch: okay I’ll get the drinks you get a table.
Lilo: Kay, but remember no caffeine.
Doesn’t chai have caffeine in it?
Stitch looked back at back at Slick, who currently had a sly smirk on his face
:flicks roll of bolt-tape into hall using pocket trebuchet:
I knew this thing would come in handy one day!
Slick: ya know, I’m sure I could get you some flowers to give her.
… Am I missing something? Is Stitch someone acting in a way that makes his crush on Lilo clear to an outside observer? Because without his internal monologues I would have no idea about his feelings for her.
Stitch straightened noticeably, if it weren’t for his fur Slick was sure he’d be blushing. Stitch composed himself.
Stitch: shut up and just get me my order.
Slick took out a pen and a pad of paper from under the counter.
Dude, you are a terrible waiter. Go back to being a salesman, you were kick-ass at that.
Slick: fine but what do you want?
Stitch: give me a…
Stitch looked at the menu board.
Stitch: a decaf, iced coffee and bacon burger.
Slick quickly wrote down the order, put it on a small metal wheel behind him and spun it in to the kitchen.
What about Lilo’s order, the one she gave you before she vanished into the SDQF? You didn’t write it down before she left. Is she getting anything to eat or drink?
Slick: order up!
The wait staff doesn’t usually say that; the cook usually uses the phrase when the order is ready to alert the wait staff.
Frenchfry poked his head up only revealing his face through the window. He then saw Stitch and greeted him.
Finally, something that makes sense!
Frenchfry: ahhh, ello cousin.
Stitch: hey Frenchfry.
And thus Frenchfry disappeared from sight again. It only took a few seconds for Frenchfry t o finish making the meals.
Frenchfry’s one of the more disturbing experiments; his talent is creating tasty meals super-fast, but initially he only made fattening foods. Once his victims were sufficiently fattened up, he would eat them. He did change his ways eventually, but he still started out as the experimental version of the witch from Hansel & Gretel and that’s kind of dark for a Disney show.
Slick: that’ll be $45.50
:spits out blackberry merlot:
THE FUCKING HELL KIND OF GREASY SPOON DINER CHARGES THAT MUCH FOR TWO SANDWICHES AND TWO DRINKS?!?!?
There’s a cafe not all that far from where my parents live that is owned and operated by a Cordon Bleu-trained chef who has worked all over the world, including the American embassy in Iceland, who previously owned his own restaurant in New York City; it is hands-down the best food I have ever had made by someone who really knows what he is doing and it wouldn’t cost anywhere near that much for a meal. It’s a touch pricier than I would expect from a tiny, out-of-the-way restaurant that’s attached to the side of a gas station, but I’ve never paid more than a quarter of that amount for anything and that was for a full meal with entree and sides.
Stitch handed the money to his cousin and left to find Lilo. She was sitting in a booth waiting for him. Stitch walked up unnoticed.
:looks around Void:
How? There’s literally nothing else around her. She should notice something.
Lilo flinched and looked up in mock anger.
Lilo: you ass
Stitch chuckled and sat down across from Lilo.
Was … Was that supposed to be humor? I can’t even…
They sat in silence for awhile until, for the second time this afternoon, Lilo broke the silence.
Dammit! You couldn’t just sit quietly and let the clock run out, could you?
Lilo: could you tell me?
Stitch: tell you what?
Must… Resist … Urge… To kill…
Lilo gave him an aggravated look, and then her face softened.
Lilo: who the girl you like is?
Stitch looked Lilo.
Think about it for more than ten seconds – what female does Stitch spend roughly ninety-nine percent of his time with? Go on, take a guess. You cannot be that genre-blind. I refuse to believe it.
Stitch (inner monologue): now or never, blue boy.
No! Bad boy!
???: HEY LILO
AHHH!!! :falls off chair:
Who the hell was that?
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o end of chapter 3 o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
:deadpan: Oh, no; now we’ll never know who interrupted Stitch. My previous experience with this genre can allow me to make an educated guess; it would likely be either a SI Stu or an Awesome McEvil whom Lilo has a crush on.
Freak: well there you have it chapter three. Please read and review. And no flames.
You’ll notice my new sweetie Hinoke didn’t join me; she’s off swimming laps in the volcano.
Freak then takes out an experiment pod and drops it in a glass of water. There is a bright flash of light and a 20 foot tall purple plant has grown with Freak sitting on one of the petals.
Freak: or you’re plant food. And, as always, peace to all my fellow freaks.
Yeah, you’ve got me there; all I have is a fully-equipped Armory, a clan of merciless assassins, a legion of Darkwraiths, a flaming three-headed cat demon, Markus the Stu Lantern, numerous interns, and several sentient carnivorous dinosaurs at my disposal. It’s no contest, really.
See you next time with a new fic, Patrons!