1030: How the hell did this happen? – OneshotPosted: April 25, 2015
Title: How the hell did this happen?
Author: Flower Crown of Poppy
Media: Video Game
Topic: Silent Hill
URL: How the hell did this happen?
Critiqued by Glasses and Shades [Co-commentary by the rest of the Co. from Book Specs’ editing booth]
*Glasses, inexplicably reverted to a toddler again, runs into the room giggling whilst clutching one of Shades’ firearms in a very, very unsafe fashion; Shades follows in close pursuit*
Li’l Glasses: Bangy!
Shades: I told you not to touch my bloody guns, you infuriating little fuck! Give me that before you blow your own damn head off!
Li’l Glasses: Bangy boom?
Shades: What?! No, no bangy boom, NO BANGY-!
*Li’l Glasses pulls the trigger; thankfully, the gun is by this time facing away from her*
Shades: Jesus shite!
*Shades ducks and narrowly avoids being hit by the bullet Li’l Glasses fired*
Shades: Alright you, give me that damn gun!
Li’l Glasses: Buh-
Shades: No buhs, give it!
Li’l Glasses: Aww…
*Shades snags the gun out of a disappointed Li’l Glasses’ hands*
Shades: And this is why you lock your toys up, Shades – children can NOT be trusted around them.
*Shades notices the audience*
Shades: Oh, we’re doing this right now, are we? Haven’t slept in the last twelve hours, and we’re doing this right now? Well, fine I guess. That SC character was supposed to be here, but he suddenly had to go save Contacts and Specs from… Something, and nobody else had the bollocks to take over this riff, so he had to put me in. Even though Glasses had another “incident” and I was already designated for babysitting duty this time while Booky looked for that thing we usually use to put her back to normal. So that’s fun. Anyhow, it’s a riff about Silent Hill 2, called “How the hell did this happen?” by Flower Crown of Poppy, which aptly describes my situation at the moment. Maybe I’ll be able to sympathize with this author. Fuck it, if I screw around any longer, the little troll might get ahold of another gun, so let’s just do this and get it done already.
[For the record, we were jumped from out of nowhere by Tai, who I guess heard about us riffing him and wanted to get after me, but Contacts was in the way and his garbage fighting style only works in the badfic he comes from, so we were able to hold him off with relative ease until that guy SC showed up to help us wrangle him into a cage for the time being until we can space him out the airlocks. -Specs]
[No, MrAwesomeMatty hasn’t come after me about the riff yet. I just haven’t thrown any punches at Tai in a while, that’s all. -SC]
Eighteen year old Dawn Smidt,
Shades: To whom I shall refer as “Smidty” for the rest of the riff…
Li’l Glasses: Middy!
Shades: Yes, good girl.
*Shades pats Li’l Glasses’ head, much to the toddler’s glee*
[Except she didn’t refer to Dawn as anything after this one time. -SC]
sat in front of her laptop bored out of her mind.
Shades: I had a full-time job by the time I was fifteen, you lazy little troglodyte! Go out and do something useful with your life!
*Glasses declares something, but it’s all in baby babble, and so cannot be translated*
Shades: Did you just insinuate an improbable relationship between a dinosaur, a stick and a mountain?!
The brunette stared at Facebook, just scrolling passed pictures of her friends at parties and whatnot.
Shades: Meanwhile, that SC guy has stuff on his Facebook feed that’s somewhat interesting.
*Shades’ cellphone rings*
Li’l Glasses: Wingy-wing!
Shades: Yes dear, very good, now shush. Hello?
SC, on the phone: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU SHITS ABOUT SPYING ON MY FUCKING FACEBOOK?!
*The force of SC’s screaming blasts Shades’ hair back wildly and flings her sunglasses from her face as she squints her eyes shut*
Li’l Glasses, peeking up from under the desk: Scawwy…
Shades, frozen in shock: Scary’s a word for it…
Her page was just covered with the stupid pictures the girl was beyond annoyed. How could people post 30 selfies in five minutes was way over her.
Shades: I offer this vine as my response:
Shades: That was at least seven, right there.
Finally she made it past those and began seeing posts from the game pages she liked.
Shades: I’d mention the ones that that SC guy follows, but I’d rather not be screamed at twi-
*Shades’ cellphone rings again*
Shades: Fucking hell…
*Shades puts a pair of little fuzzy earmuffs over Li’l Glasses’ ears, then crosses herself before answering*
*Shades is launched from her seat and claws at the doorframe to keep from flying out into the hall as her phone levitates in midair from the force of the shockwave, before finally dropping to the floor; meanwhile, Li’l Glasses somehow barely even leans backwards from the wind gusts, then toddles over to Shades in confusion*
Li’l Glasses: …Saydsie?
Shades, holding on for dear life: I’m fine. I’m fine. Totally fine. I’m okay.
Dawn laughed at the goofy things and clicked like on nearly all of them.
Shades: Glad to see somebody’s having at least a mildly good day. I, on the other hand, may have lost all equilibrium due to my shattered eardrums, and am likely going to be violently sick by the end of this.
Dawn came across one picture that said, The main character in the last game you just play is now your spouse how screwed are you?
Shades: The last game I played was Bayonetta. I’m not necessarily into lesbian relationships – nor am I against them! – but I don’t think I’d have much to fear, honestly.
Li’l Glasses: Zewda!
Shades: You played as Zelda recently? You weren’t fiddling around with Specs’ file in Hyrule Warriors, were you? He takes great pride in being as good at a game about slashing up millions of dudes, you know.
[Well, it’s hard to be bad at a game where the objectives consist of running to an area and slashing up dudes until you win, isn’t it? -Book Specs]
[It’s actually very hard if you get too wrapped up in the dude-slashing and don’t pay attention to what you’re supposed to be doing. Getting Zelda was a PAIN for me, let me tell you. Especially since I’ve been playing on hard mode, where the enemies actually become dangerous rather than just stand around letting you destroy them. -Specs]
Many comments said things like, Leon Kennedy so I’m good, Sub Zero! I’m not gay! and so on.
Shades: Hey! I’ll have you know that Sub-Zero is a perfectly good option for a spouse!
Shades: *ahem* M-moving on!
Dawn had commented on who her spouse was. James Sunderland? No way man! That’s right Silent Hill 2 was the last game she played, Dawn really didn’t care for the game but only played it for the hell of it.
Shades: So, then, you’re physically incapable of appreciating the game’s story? Because that’s where the bulk of its appeal comes from, you know – the horrible things James did, and the personal hell that he becomes trapped in as a result which he can’t escape from until he either repents or dies, and the sparingly few other people around him who are all equally as bad off for their own reasons, and the representation of Maria as a symbol of how dangerous one’s desires can be, and Pyramid Head as a messenger of guilt, and the monsters all being born in the gruesome, physical form of a man’s sins in order to torment him… None of that registered with you at all, huh? Yours is a sad life, indeed.
Dawn rather of had Chis Redfield, Leon Kennedy, Link, Smoke. Guys she thought was hot. Not James Sunderland, Dawn found him completely boring!
Shades: If there was a way to describe how offended I am right now, I’d be saying it repeatedly. James Sunderland is about as far from boring as you can get.
And if she was married to him that stupid Laura would be her step daughter! No no no! The thought of it all made Dawn shiver in her seat.
*Shades’ eye twitches*
The eighteen year old shut of her laptop and make her way to her Silent Hill themed bedroom. Dawn smile proudly at the room after all, most fans would kill for this room! Complete with Robbie Rabbit stuffed toys, posters for every single Silent Hill game, rugs and curtains! That’s just to name a few.
Shades: Sorry, no, it’s too late for you to try and claim fandom now. You don’t get to call yourself a Silent Hill fan and claim that you decked your room out with fan gear, and then turn around and say, “…But James Sunderland is boring and unattractive, so I don’t like him, besides, I only played 2 for the hell of it.” That would be like me walking into a gun shop claiming to like guns as a whole, and then getting all snobbish over a pistol. It simply doesn’t happen.
Dawn reached into her dresser and pulled out her prized . A heather shirt night shirt with green shorts.
Shades: A shirt… Made out of Heather Mason… Over a nightshirt… Over green shorts. That may well be the most disgusting outfit I’ve ever heard of.
Li’l Glasses: Ew!
Shades: My thoughts exactly.
The teen quickily changed into the tossing her other clothes elsewhere.
Shades: She changed into thrown clothing?
*Clothing goes flying by*
*Shades’ cellphone rings again*
Shades: I’m just going to, uh, take this outside. One moment, please.
~ONE METRIC MOMENT LATER~
Shades: Why did I bleed so much blood…? And why am I wearing this catsuit now? I don’t even like spandex!
Li’l Glasses: Pinch!
Shades: YIPE-! Butt-pinching is HIGHLY unbefitting of a young lady!
[Shades in a spandex catsuit. Now there’s an image I’m unable to see properly because of how unlikely it is. -Book Specs]
She crawled under the covers and turned on the T.V all that was Advertisements for make up, blenders and food. Then again it was two in the morning.
Shades: Well what the hell were you expecting? All the good soap operas come on at eight! … NOT THAT I WATCH SOAP OPERAS OR ANYTHING, AND IF ANY OF YOU SAY OTHERWISE I’LL FUCKING DESTROY YOU!
Li’l Glasses: Saydsie soapie!
Shades: …I would shoot the little bitch if she weren’t so damn adorable.
Dawn just watched the one about make up until she fell asleep.
Dawn woke up to find it pouring down rain and thundering.
Shades: Ah, so you’ve been cursed to Silent Hill as Murphy knew it, then.
she groaned and placed her pillow over her head. She laid there mentally cursing the rain, until something moved beside her. Dawn though she imagined until it happned again and it seemed to move closer to her.
Her heart stopped and time felt like it had froze. Did somebody break in her apartment? The poor girl was scared to death!
Shades: They wouldn’t get very far with me. For one, I’m a light sleeper, and for another, I have so many guns within arm’s reach that they would have to pray for a miracle to avoid getting slaughtered. That said though, I have had some interesting bed mates that I didn’t even realize I was sharing the covers with until I woke up, and not because of anything sexual, they just sort of showed up. Like the kid, here.
Li’l Glasses: Saydsie jammies!
Shades: I do not wear jammies, you shut up.
An arm wrapped around her wraist pulled her close. That’s when she pulled of the pillow and tried to break loose.
Shades: I’ve taken a rifle bayonet to Lordic’s arm for similar gestures. He still hasn’t forgiven me for that, by the way. Doubtful that he ever will, either.
[For those who have forgotten, which I can’t say I blame you because SC forgot his name as well, Francis “Casanova” Lordic is the name of Shades’ old partner from back when she was a paranormal investigator in her human life. They weren’t romantic, per se, but they were less than concerned with the image put forth by the two of them sharing a bed together in varied stages of nudity. -Book Specs the Helper]
[We weren’t in varied stages of nudity, Lordic just preferred to sleep in his boxers and I wear a considerably less, but still fairly modest outfit as compared to my typical attire when I go to sleep. Get it right. -Shades the Clarifier]
“Well damn. If you were not in the mood you could have said so, A male voice said beside her.
Shades: That sounds almost exactly like something stupid Sportsy would say.
Li’l Glasses: Stoopy Spowty!
Dawn froze. That voice was familar…too familar. “How the hell are you!” Dawn demanded.
A person rose up next to her. A man who was about late twenties early thirties, his hair was a dark blond and eyes were green.
Shades: Oh, so, Contacts, had he ever lived past twenty-one years old, then. Actually, how old IS Contacts, anyhow?
[I’m fucking twenty-three. I’m twenty three years old, and nobody ever fucking bothers to remember it. -Contacts]
[To be fair, it’s not really worth remembering. -Sports Shades]
[Oh, fuck you! -Contacts]
[Break it up, you two. I’ll not have a brawl in my editing booth. -Book Specs]
Dawn’s blue eyes examined him, finally after she was done with that she spoke.
“Who the hell are you and why are you in my bed! More importantly how did get in my apartment?!”
Shades: More importantly, why haven’t you called the cops already?
[MORE IMPORTANTLY STILL, HOW HAVE YOU NOT BEEN SLAUGHTERED YET?! -Monocle]
[My God, he even screams in editor brackets… -Book Specs]
The man stared at her confused. “Babe what are you talking about? We have not lived in a apartment since we got married.”
“Married?” Dawn repeated. “The hell you talking man!”
Shades: I’d ask the same of you, madam.
“Dawn. Its me your hubsand?”
Shades: Look, mate, it’s fine that you don’t remember Vegas – I mean, we were SLAUGHTERING those cosmos – but the marriage contract is like, right there on the nightstand still.
Shades: Just, JAMES.
[Why do James. -Specs]
[How even James. -Book Specs]
[What is even James. -Contacts]
[Why are we talking like this? -Bifocals]
“Excuse me?” Dawn said now getting angry.
Shades: Oh, sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me…
*Shades grabs a megaphone from under the desk*
Shades: JUST. JAMES.
*Li’l Glasses reaches for the megaphone*
Shades: Oh, you wanna try? Here, love, have at it.
Li’l Glasses: *INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMON SHRIEK*
*Shades collapses into a seizure on the floor*
Shades: Ho-hol-holy-y-y-y shi-shite!
Li’l Glasses: …Saydsie?
[My sympathies. -Specs]
[That was way back in one of my first riffs here, are you still sore about that? -SC]
“Its me your hubsand James Sunderland!” James said slowly.
Shades, unsteadily: H-he said that about- about as slowly as Lordic fires a- a gun…
Li’l Glasses: Bangy-boom?
*Shades pulls out a yarn ball and throws it weakly across the room*
Li’l Glasses: Mew!
*Li’l Glasses takes off after the yarn ball*
Dawn’s head felt like was about to busted.
Shades: Oh, you mean like mine is right now. By the way, I feel it prudent to mention that I haven’t slept in the past twelve hours. Mmmm, sleep- ARGHK-! STAY AWAKE, DAMN IT, YOU’RE RIGHT NEAR THE END!
“This is a horrid dream I’m going back to sleep.”
Shades: Mmm, slee-
Li’l Glasses: Saydsie!
Li’l Glasses: Ball!
*Shades yanks the yarn ball out of Li’l Glasses’ hands and hurls it as hard as she can across the room*
Li’l Glasses: Mew!
*Li’l Glasses chases after the yarn ball again*
Shades: I’m never having kids. *twitch* I’m never having kids. *twitch* I’m never fucking having kids. *twitch twitch*
Dawn turned away from James who was poking her asking if she was all right.
*A ninja appears behind the high-strung Shades and pokes her shoulder gently; immediately, a shotgun is summoned and leveled under the ninja’s chin*
Shades, all-too-pleasantly: Please don’t fucking touch meee~
*Wisely, the ninja backs away slowly*
Shades: Onomatopoeia. Oh, lovely. Now I can hear Herr trying to beat the door down. Could my day get any fucking worse, right now?
“Dawn, Dad are guys okay?” a little girls voice echoed from the otherside of the bedroom door.
“Yes, Laura we are fine Dawn is feeling a little off is all.” James answered.
Shades: EVIDENTLY IT FUCKING CAN!
“Wait!” Dawn shot up turning to him. “Did you say Laura!”
Thats when Laura came inside the room. “He sure did!” The little blonde hair blue eyed girl jumped on Dawn and James’s bed.
“Maybe she is hungry? I know I am.” Laura said bouncing up and down.
“May be after all she can get ditzy with an empty stomach.” James chuckled.
Shades: I’d shoot myself if it weren’t so pointless.
Dawn said nothing at all, she could not understand what was happening.
Shades: You’re a twerp in a badfic and I’m stuck babysitting a hell child, what else is there to under-fucking-stand?!
Shades: UGH STOP RUINING MY EXISTENCE.
Dawn looked down to see a shiba inu looking at her.
“Mira!” Laura exclaimed and picked the dog up. Mira ran straight to Dawn and licked her cheek.
Shades: You already picked it up! Where the fuck was it supposed to go?! It was already where it wanted to be! GAH!
Dawn groaned and flopped back down. How the hell did this happen!
Shades: I don’t know, and I don’t care. I’m done, we’re done, this riff is done, everything is done. Don’t expect me back next week, I may very well be dead by then. Blah blah-fuckdiddly-blah, thanks for reading and all that shit. NOW WHERE THE HELL IS BOOKY WITH THE DAMN CURE?! HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND A PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE?!
*Book Specs walks into the room and presents a very… Colorful magazine to Li’l Glasses*
Glasses, blushing redder than a tomato: Oooh hot DAMN, baby! Nobody told me that THIS stuff existed before! I didn’t even know lampshades could bend like that!
*Shades looks at Book Specs and whimpers thankfully*
*Book Specs adjusts his glasses appreciatively*
Glasses: Hmm? Oh, hi Shades! Wow, you look like shit. Are you alright?
Shades: I humbly give unto you my willing body, oh blessed sleep.
*Shades’ head slams face-down on the desk, and a loud snore can be heard*
Glasses: Aw, poor little Shadesie is all tuckered out.
*Book Specs tosses a blanket over Shades, and he and Glasses quietly leave the room*
[If any of you fatherless sons of bitches ever make me babysit the cat again, I swear to God I’m murdering all of you. -Shades]
[Oh, come on, I wasn’t that bad, was I? -Glasses]