1028: District 9 and three quarters – Chapters Fourteen and Fifteen

Title: District 9 and three quarters
Author: Fire Lord Mowse
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Harry Potter/The Hunger Games
Genre: Romance/Sci-fi
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 14
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 15
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

*groans*

No, I don’t feel like saying hi. Seriously, what we saw last week… Holy God, that was stupid! It’s so stupid it’s still causing me headaches! Like seriously, what the actual fuck?

*headdesk*

I hope that’s the stupidest thing we see from the fic. If it’s not…

*le sigh*

Well, let’s get on with it, shall we?

We start with this:

“Okey Dokey..” The man sticks his head back inside the blue box, and it fades away.

Well, I guess the doctor finally realized that this timeline was borked beyond repair. Goodbye, Doctor, may you never see Edel-Sue again!

“Hugo…. Why didn’t you go back?” I ask, because genuinly, I want to know. He could have been with friends, or family again, so why did he stay with me?

Because you’re the Sue, Edel. It’s kind of like…

Wait, why am I putting this like that? These kids are twelve! They’re not nearly old enough to think in terms of—

“I wanted to be with you, Edel. I want to stay. We’ve been through so much now, I could never leave you.”

EEEEEEEEEW!!!!

[Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]

*Three Hours Later…*

Jesus Christ, the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi just isn’t doing it today for some reason. Fuck me…

*sigh*

Well, let’s keep going.

“Stop beinng so mushy Hugo.” I push him off the bed, and he yelps… I laugh… “That was for being mushy..”

Wait, so you’re resorting to bodily pushing Hugo off the bed, which would logically hurt him, all ‘cause he was being mushy? Jeez, I know play-hitting is a thing, but shoving him off the bed is kind of something else!

“”I was being nice….” He says, and Ilaugh so hard I fall off the bed

*frown*

Wow, Edel, I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t think you were the kind of person who laughed at other people’s misery! Damn, you keep hitting new lows in unlikability right as I think you can’t get any more unlikable!

“Heh, na we’re even”

You’re even!? Edel pushed you off the damn bed, and you say something that wouldn’t make any rational twelve-year-old fall off their bed laughing? How are you two in any way even?

“Ha. No, if we were even, then I would be on the floor because you pushed me, so you would have to push me off the bed for us to be even” I say, making a point

Hate to side with the dumbass, but she’s actually got a point this time, Hugo!

“Making a mental note..” He rolls his eyes up in his head, and laughs

Okay, who pumped laughing gas into the air conditioning? I swear, these two are giggling more than a pack of hyenas!

“An elephant never forgets” I say, under my breath

*frown*

Wait, what? How is that in any way relevant to what’s going on!?

“What was that?” He says, but before I can answer, we are inturrupted by a peacekeeper, throwing open the door,

Oh, thank you Peacekeeper! Save me from the stupidity!

“We shall be departing for your District soon.” He announces. I’m serious, he actually said shall, and departing.

You know what I’m about to say seriously, Edel?

*BAM*

Shut thine boil-filled mouth, thou dissembling tickle-brained knave!

*hits buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb: 25

I know it’s not plot relevant, but fuck it, I don’t care.

Anyway, we then get a summary of the rest of Edel’s time in the Capitol. Nothing of note really happens at any point, we get Edel bitching about stuff, and she also goes on and on about shit we really, really don’t give a fuck. Ultimately, she decides to run over and watch the whole Hunger Games from the top.

When it starts, I see that Hugo and I were the only ones who ran from the mess. Jenny ecscaped from the bloodbath woth a sword, and a backpack.

Wait, what!? Jenny had managed to pick up a sword and a backpack? And she managed to escape from the Career tributes, given that going for the sword would force you to rush straight for the center of the bloodbath?

*headdesk*

How the fuck did she lose those things!?

She must have lost them.

No! No!

*BAM*

You don’t just fucking lose a goddamn sword and backpack! You don’t! One of those things is something you’d logically keep strapped to your back at all times, the other is a large pointed object…

How the fuck do you lose either of those things!?

*headdesk*

Mellie ecscaped with a dart gun.

*headdesk*

And Mellie had a goddamn dart gun? I’m not going to debate the effectiveness of darts ‘cause hey, they might’ve been filled with poison or something knowing the gamemakers. No no no no no, see, that just adds more reasons as to why Edel-Sue should’ve formed an Alliance with Mellie when she had the chance!

*headdesk*

Jesus, that bit just keeps getting dumber all the time!

I watch as the camera zooms in on the boy from 2 breaking the boy from 7’s neck. Gross. I recoil on the couch, but come out again when I see Hugo and I.

Yeah yeah, blah. Anyway, we then get another paragraph with a pointless narrative aside about how Edel is such a “pessamist”, before we then go on.

The first horror of the games that I really think of as something that is going to scar me, is Mellie’s death. I see as her opponant, a boy, grabs the dart gun that she has filled with poison, and shoots it at her. She screams in agony, and pain, and I watch her body crumple.

So that’s how Mellie died? Gee, I wonder if you having been in an Alliance with Mellie when you bumped into this boy would have saved her, you stupid bitch! Seriously, only you would be stupid enough to just be all “woe is me” when you failed to form an Alliance that could’ve saved her goddamn life when you had the fucking chance!

Then, the next image I see is me, reading the map. The screen quickly moves to another shot. This gives me questions. Did they not like how I went back, after the bloodbath was over?

No, they just found more interesting shit to focus on. Like, you know, the fact that there were still tributes dying that late into the Hunger Games.

Oh well. I don’t really care what they think. The world revolves around me, me, me!

FireLordMowse is a troll, isn’t she? She can’t be serious. That, or Edel-Sue has officially just been explicitly spelled out as a vapid Mary Sue by her own story!

Either way…

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 26

Heh. I still don’t care what they think.

I don’t know, Edel, I can think of a few… objects that would likely change your mind. One of them being this, of course:

Hugo comes in and inturrupts the television. “What are you doing?” He asks

“Watching the taped games. Want to hear something weird” I say, and I know he will

“Yeah, sure. What is it?’ He answers. Just as I knew he would have. I’ve only known him for a little bit more that a year. Talk about predictable…

*headdesk*

Was Edel-Sue plucked out of the rogue’s gallery of Sailor Moon or something? How is this character supposed to be a likable protagonist in any way?”

“Well, they had the smallest flash of us, in the corocoupia after the bloodbath. Then, they quickly changed it to the district 2 boy killing someone. Again.” I give him the look.

How is that weird!?

“Yes, you’re right. That is weird.” He says, and sits on the couch next to me.

*BAM*

No it fucking isn’t! And if you think it is, you’ve never been anywhere around real media before!

The game makers are chiefly film editors that have to edit shit on the fly! You know what can be a big part of editing on the fly when you’re being given a live feed? Knowing what parts you should focus on and what parts should be background information! You two are just hiding out in the Cornucopia waiting for the bloodbath to play out! The District 2 boy is busy killing a man! Question: which one of you is currently being active? The answer to that question will quite obviously also be the answer to who they’ll focus on!

The District 2 boy is doing more than you are! It’s not weird, it’s logical!

*hits buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 27

Blah blah blah, cut over more bullshit, and then we find out why the girl from District 7 died:

and then the girl form 7’s death. She went down same as Jennny. Death by weremonkk. I’m still glad I dodn’t have to kill her.

You know what? I’m not even going to ask where the fuck they plucked the monks from. Knowing this fic, the answer would be so stupid it’d melt my brain as soon as I read the first word.

I want this world to be something close to perfect. I know I have said it mny times, but it’s hard to imagine a world without games. I mean, Jenny wouldn’t be living in poverty, or have been anyway. No one would have died for anyone, no one would have to feel the fear at the reaping.

Oh God, here we go…

I really want the world to be like that, and I really want to believe it can, you know, maybe in 55 years or so, I really don’t know. Right now
I am a 13 year old girl who has just survived a mass murder in an arena, and my best friend has survived too. They tell me I should be happy. They tell m eI am lucky to be alive.

I think, I would have rater died in the bloodbath. I think I would have rather had no dreams at all than more dreams. No one ever likes a lier, so here is the truth. I would have been there with Hugo-bot, on that dune, and killed myself, because I was knowing that the games would have gone on, and I would have endured more pain than if I had kept myself alive.

You know, Edel-Sue, this bit of angst probably would’ve been effective if you weren’t a vapid, scatterbrained dumbass with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. As it is now, though, it’s overblown, pretentious, and annoying as fuck to read, especially coming from an unlikable idiot.

Seriously, you know your character is bad when she makes you pine for the disingenuous misanthropy of Ulrich-Stu…

Anyway, she then tells Hugo she wants to die, and then he’s like “no, don’t leave me”, and then they just look at each other, and… they cuddle…

Um… I know this is Panem and all, but even in this situation what prepubescent children would cuddle with each other like that? It’s almost like FLM is thinking that they’re sixteen rather than twelve…

No one speaks, until Amarie bursts in, “WE SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN-” Then she looks at us, and she slowly backs away. She closes mthe door, and is out of earshot soon.

“What was that about?” I ask Hugo, louder this time. The moment is broken.

“No idea… I think we’ll be arriving at the boat soom.” He says.

Wait, so you figured out that you’ll be arriving at the boat, and yet you said literally four words earlier that you had no idea what she was thinking.

*headdesk*

Consistency!

Anyway, after this, we get another long narrative aside where she curls up, falls asleep, has a nightmare, and then she wakes up in—

I wake, from the terror, screaming. Finally the notion that I am alive hits me as salt water sprays in my face. I seem to be sitting on the deck of the boat. I guess I fell asleep.

*headdesk*

Okay, so nobody, nobody woke Edel-Sue up once they actually got to the goddamn boat? And then they positioned her bed outside for the explicit purpose of getting her face sprayed by salt water?

*headdesk*

What bizzarro version of Panem have I stepped into!?

“Are we there?” I hear a voice beside me ask. It was Orla. She has been standing at the railing of the boat for who knows long, staring out into the distance. Beside her is Hugo.

“I don’t know Orla, maybe in an hour or two.”

Whoah, what? They’re an hour or two away by boat? Holy shit, guys, how long has Edel been out!? Did someone secretly slip a sedative into her drink last night, what is this!?

*headdesk*

Then he glances at em, “Oh, Hi Edel. You’re finally awake.” He seems happy to see me, “You were screaming and thrashing in your sleep.”

“Yeah. Hunger games dreams. Pretty scary.” I roll my eyes, because eh knows what I’ve been through, and he also knows me well enough to create a book of this from my point of view.

It’d be funny if he did.

And that warrants you brushing off the first signs of a serious mental condition because…?

*hits buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 28

I walk over to the edge of the boat with him, and know that this won’t be over until I’m dead.

The hunger games, not him being able to write a book…

Thank you, Edel. It’s comforting to know that you’re so confident in your own inferior intelligence that you insult the intelligence of your readers. Good to know you still think you could ever be considered smart in any capacity.

“Orla, who pilots this boat?” I ask

“No one, it’s mechanically driving itself.” She answers smartly.

“Oh, um… Okay then…”

*frown*

Um… I’m pretty sure those fancy-ass hovercrafts they pilot around Panem still have human pilots, you know. President Snow is into many things, but drone warfare is not one of them. And on that note, why the hell is Snow letting something electronic take over when he would likely insist on the human element in any event?

*hits buzzer*

President Snow’s Numerous Oversights Count: 23

I look out into the distance of the ocean, and I see mist. Anyone who has ever been on a boat knows what that means. Land! Do you know what land means?

Home.

Do you know what home means? Home invasions!

Take it away, Sega CD home invasion squad!

Anyway, that’s it for this chapter. Let’s see what—

AGAIN, SORRY FOR TYPOS! Ignore all the my dears, and honeys.

Ignore the typos? Ignore the fact that the spelling is so fucked up even a fourth grader would just be like “lolnope” after reading more than two pages?

No!

You’ll find out in ch 21! (or before) Be proud of me, 2,000 words! Here’s your present for the holidays, a very long chapter!

*headdesk*

Why is it that all these authors are under the impression that lower thousands of words are somehow an accomplishment? And why is it they’re under the impression that word counts matter? Ugh… This is just…

*headdesk*

Let’s just move on to the chapter proper.

Okay. Finally, we’re home. I knew it would never happen, but the impossible has happened. Two children, both under 15, have made it all the way back to their district. I set a new record! Well, I guess Hugo did, because he’s younger, by a couple days, but I don’t really care. I was 12 when I won.

Well, Edel, you might want to celebrate now, before President Snow decides to make your life a living hell.

The first people to get to me are my mom, my dad, and Rose. Of course, she was excused from school to watch her brother, then she goes to hug Hugo. Other District 9 ¾ residents hug us as well, and the circles get bigger, and bigger until I can barely breathe.

Okay then. I knew that people in Panem liked to celebrate their district winning with a lot of things, but I didn’t think those celebrations typically involved the entire goddamn district getting into one giant fucking group hug with one person! Damn…

Luckily, my mom knows, even before I turn blue. “Oh, Edel! I knew you could get back!” My mom is the only one still hugging me. I know how she knows, she brobably jinxed Mom…. Supersticious.

*frown*

*shrug*

Eh, it hasn’t hit EclipsePheniox levels of typo hell yet. At least there’s that.

The only thing I knew was that if I came back at all, it would be with Hugo.

No, the only thing you knew was that you’d probably be dead or with nobody else. You were angsting about that a lot, remember?

Anyway, we then get a bunch of things summarized. We first move on to—

The next days pass the same way. Celebrations, I get lots of visitors, and such. He had been excused from Hogwarts for a couple days, so Albus came to see me, along with his parents, and I felt very… I don’t know the word, happy, I guess.

Wait, so Albus Potter came around, which means that nobody else was approached by the Doctor…

Hugo, you asshole. You decided the entire fate of everyone in the magical world with what you told the doctor.

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

I know, the Doctor could’ve gone to them and they refused as well, blah blah blah. Frankly, knowing this story’s track record for making logical plot developments, I’m not holding my breath. Until it makes any indications to the contrary, Hugo decided the fate of all of Hogwarts.

Good job, Hugo Weasley, you selfish prick. You just confined all of Hogwarts to forever be a part of a brutally oppressive dictatorship. I hope you can fucking sleep at night. Oh, wait, you probably can’t, because I’m in your dreams stabbing you again and again for disrespecting the memory of anyone who ever died either fighting or escaping an oppressive dictatorship.

I really hated the fact that I got no privacy, I mean, you win the Hunger Games at the age of 12, I guess you’re going to be a big celebrity, but I could hardly find my wand yeaterday, without someone snapping a picture!

Yeah, yeah, cult of celebrity sucks, all that jazz… Honestly, Edel-Sue, with how much of an idiot you are, I could care less.

Now, it is back to school… Rose, Albus, Hugo, and I wave goodbye to our parents. Albus for the second time this term. I wonder if it’ll be like my return to the district, when I return to Hogwarts.

Honestly, if Voldemort were to randomly apparate in there, I would fucking cheer him on if he decided to just try to move Hogwarts back in time. But since the Dark Lord probably isn’t coming back at all…

Probably, Headmistress McGonagall loves me! I still wonder what has happened to the school, now that I know how it’s here… (Man in blue box)

Wait, what? You’ve always known the school was there! You went there for a year before you got Reaped, remember!? And now you only remember it because the author forgot to take out her notes on what to write into this chapter!?

*headdesks onto buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 29

Well, that probably won’t change the school, just the way I look at it..

And it’ll change the way you’re forced to navigate around the school and shit. Again, cult of celebri… wait, that only bothers you if the narration says it does, doesn’t it? Never mind!

So then a whole bunch of narration goes down and stuff. They get into carriages at Hogwarts, we get a random aside about how Harry Potter had to do that in his sixth year, she finds out about Quidditch try-outs, and… yes, that is summarized.

Well, I think nothing good happens for the next few days, and I guess that I’ll just skip to the quidditch tryouts, dear. No! Nothing good happens! I’m sure!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Either FLM is trying to make it more obvious that this is a trollfic, or she’s desperate to try to get the reader to associate with Edel-Sue in any way. Either way, it’s still bullshit.

Okay, day of the quidditch tryouts, the team captain, a girl named Julia, looks happy to see us. Well, yeah, it’s kind of implied when she jumps up and down, while smiling when you walk through the door…

I’m pretty sure the knife in her hands was a very good indicator that she was gleefully trying to kill you, honestly.

Okay, so she’s happy… Very happy…. Probably just Albus though. He was on her team last year, and they won all the matches. Well, almost…

I’ll assume it was the one crushing defeat they suffered that caused them to lose the league, huh? Man, have I heard that story a lot or what?

I’m still deciding what part to try out for. I think I’ll be a chaser. I was pretty fast last year, when we did broomstick lessons.

*sigh*

Oh thank God, at least she’s not trying out for the role of Seeker. I would’ve just about lost my shit if she had…

Anyway, we then see her walk up to the team captain, she says “you gotta get three goals past me in five attempts”, and she gets the first ball through flawlessly despite a descriptor of this captain’s speed that contradicts that.

As the ball flies through the second hoop, I am reminded of Johanna, and how she was brought to me by Mellie, so Mellie practically saved my life.

Okay, what about the quaffle reminded you about Johanna? You had to have the quaffle tossed back to you earlier, you know. And a quaffle isn’t a sentient birdlike thing, and you certainly didn’t have to throw her at anything.

You seriously might as well ask why a raven is like a writing desk!

I look down, and don’t even see the ball come back to me. 6 feet away from me it is when I lift my head and see the ball. I slap it, because thinking of the games makes me mad, and to my surprise, it goes right through the middle hoop. Julia was distracted by the beaters on the other side of the field. I guess that could have been something happening in a real game. She turned around when I went “YES!” and pumped my arms in the air.

And then the team captain promptly forgot to say “no no, that doesn’t count”, because why the fuck would the keeper be distracted by something the beaters are doing?

I still have breakdowns in the middle of classes.

Oh dear Jesus, is this just going to turn into a laundry list of “oh, look, see, I am being affected by this”?

In the middle of transfiguration, we had to transform a wolf statue into a plush monkey, I get mine stuck inbetween, and start crying hysterically, because it is reminding me of Jenny.

Um… Okay, fine, I can buy that, but why the fuck would the teacher organize that kind of transfiguration stuff, and where would—?

I get sent to the infirmary when I fall on the floor during Defense against the Dark Arts.

Okay, why did you fall to the floor? You’d think that falling to the floor would just happen to any old—

During Herbology, Professer Neville takes me there personally, because I am having a wheezing fit, he knows I can’t talk to her.

And why the fuck can’t she talk to Neville Longbottom? He didn’t have any daughters that got Reaped in the games, why the fuck is talking to… um… whoever her is such a big deal?

For a few days, I am probably the laughing stock of Hogwarts. I mean, really, it’s impossible not to laugh at someone who cries, and falls of their chair at random times.

Wait, how are you the laughing stock of Hogwarts? You just ensured that nobody at Hogwarts would go hungry for a year! If anything, they’d probably want to all be your friends or some shit like that!

In December, I get sent home for the holidays. Hugo, Albus, Rose and I all go back on the train. Trains. They remind me of Hugo’s ‘death’.

How!? Trains aren’t even remotely the same as robots, except that they both have mechanical parts! But even then, the comparison makes no sense! The Hogwarts Express is a coal-powered train, how the fuck would that in any way draw any kind of mental link to a goddamn walking computer?

I can’t breakdown crying now, it’s Christmas. Happiness, food, celebrations, lots of relatives whom I haven’t seen since my birthday last year.

You know why else you can’t break down, Edel? Because it wouldn’t make any goddamn sense if you did! Most of these triggers don’t make any kind of logical sense! I mean, seriously, what even is this? She starts by talking about how much she’s reminded of the games, and then her laundry list of supposed “PTSD episodes” are all triggered by bullshit that has almost nothing to do with the actual games, except by completely wild leaps of thought that not even the craziest patient at an asylum would make! And then they do happen to be legit triggers, it’s only because the set-up is so improbable it’s not even funny!

Seriously, FLM, there is just no excuse for this bullshit! I just… wow. I have never, ever seen anything more insulting to people who have suffered actual PTSD. You want to have Edel suffer PTSD, fine, do that, but at least do it with more than a 20% hit rate, if you don’t mind!

Also…

Anyway, she then brings up the Victory Tour which is happening in March, and then she thinks about a lot of bullshit related to that which I frankly just don’t want to deal with, so I’m gonna go ahead and skip over it.

After that, we jump to a Quidditch match against Hufflepuff. Or… rather, we jump into summary where she looks forward to it. ‘Cause then she jumps to a random tangent about her life before the Games, and then she’s just all “life is boring”, and then there’s something about Johanna in there, and she ponders on the train, and then—

I turn around, and see Hugo standing there, Rose behind him. “Edel, we need to talk.” The seriousness of his voice, and the tension in the air make me laugh. Loud and long. I know I shouldn’t, but I tell him no, and turn back around. This time, he grabs me by my arm and turns me around. “Edel,” He says, slower, but stern, “We need to talk.” I widen my eyes and shake my head. I add a please, just for luck. Maybe he will go away and leave me.

No, Hugo, please, take her away! The less time we have to listen to her rambling about shit nobody cares about, the better!

Nope. No way he will. Apparently, whatever he needs to say is very urgent. I speak strong, because I need some alone time. “Hugo, unless it’s a matter of life and death, ” I Let Johanna sit on the table, so I can put my hand on my hip, “I’m not going to listen.”

“What he says is very urgent… which is why I’m going to tell him I’m not gonna listen!”

*hits buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 30

“That’s just the thing, Edel, we need to talk.” This time, he pulls me harder, and we go to the last train car. Once we are alone, he makes sure no one is around us, and starts to whisper, “Edel, I need to have some way to stop this thing, ”

“This… what?” I ask, because I want to know. I think of everything that I know that is a thing, and has to do with life and death. The first thing I think of comes to my mouth, “The Hunger Games, you mean?” I know it’s probably what he means, I’m just that genius.

I’m sorry, did the counter that points out how much of an idiot you actually are just get to thirty points, or am I in a massive walking illusion right now? Oh, right, never mind, clearly you’re the kind of person who looks at your own intelligence and reacts like this:

“Exactly.” He says, and looks at me, “I know this is wrong.” Well, duh. “I want to stop it, or at least do my part in helping, because these are probably going to go until at least the 75th year, (hint hint)”

FireLordMowse, are you even trying anymore? Holy shit, girl, this is the first time I’ve seen a mid-chapter author’s note here! Why did you think employing one of those was a good fucking idea!?

*headdesk*

Well, it’s official: FLM is so desperate for any audience she’s willing to do… um… that.

“Hugo, I’m sure people will help our cause, maybe not today, but someday!”

Oh fuck, there was a single bolded letter in there! Aaaaaah, fuck!

*bolts out the snarking chamber*

*Four Hours Later…*

*peeks in*

Oh thank God, there are no other single bolded letters throughout the chapter. Thank Jesus for that small mercy. The last thing we needed was for this fic to take a page from the Octavarius Kaiser Scott school of adding significance…

Anyway, at that moment, Albus is like “change into your robes”, and then they walk around and go to sit down at the table when Edel overhears them say stuff. So then that paragraph ends, and then the train pulls into Hogwarts, and then she sleeps in the common room (and no, she doesn’t say which common room, though considering that she goes in there with Hugo it’s a fair bet to assume it’s probably Gryffindor or something (are you really surprised?)), and then someone from Hufflepuff comes up and says…

She asks me, and I quote, “Is it really true, Edel?”

I just saved you having to slog through two really long paragraphs of nothingness. You’re welcome.

*sangria*

I Look at her, and tilt my head, “Is what true, Jessica?”

She bounces up and down with excitement, “Is it really true that your dating Hugo?”

*spittake*

WHAT!? THEY HAVEN’T EVEN HIT PUBERTY YET! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD BE DATING!?

I stand there, and look at her. I just stare, not really even into her eyes, past her, and I seem to be looking straight at Hugo. He makes a gesture that seems to say, ‘you’ve heard?’ I nod. I sigh, and walk over to the Gryffindor table.

“So, apparently we’re dating.” I say as I sit down next to Hugo.

See? Even Edel-Sue the Moronic seems to know just how stupid this concept is!

*headdesk*

Welp, I guess we know for sure that this author wasn’t thinking of these characters as being the age she wrote them as! Don’t you just love confirmation into facts like that?

Then, I make sure I shoot Albus and Rose dirty looks, they look at me like, what did we do, and I stare sarcastically.

*tilts head*

What? I… what? How do you stare “sarcastically”? Uh…

Eliza, could you be a dear and help me figure out how the fuck you’re supposed to stare at something “sarcastically”?

“Yeah, I heard.” He looks at me and grabs a bowl of soup off the table. I bang my head on the table, “Don’t do that, Edel, you’ll lose brain cells.”

What, she’ll lose brain cells she doesn’t have? Oh, cry me a damn river, dude.

‘Sides, I’ve been headdesking thousands of times since I came here, and I still have more brain cells than Edel does here. Edel’s just an idiot.

“It won’t matter, just as long as I lose the ones that know about the-ow-Hung-ow-er Games, ow!”

Yeah, but then you’d also take out your entire memory and that would serve nobody any good, idiot.

*hits buzzer*

Blossom of Snow May You Not Be Dumb Count: 31

Good God, give it a few more bonks and the damn thing’ll probably start overheating and shit…

The last few bonks hurt, so I rub my head and stand up. “You know, I’m not ever hungry” I walk out, and all heads turn to me. The crowd makes an ‘oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo’ sound, and I turn and snap at them, “Please, leave me alone, I don’t care what you think, but I do care how you act about it, and I really, really don’t like how you’re acting right now!” I grab my head and run out of the room.

Wow, that’s the wimpiest “you guys suck” I have ever seen committed to the written word. Edel-Sue, you have to try to fail that hard!

Now, listen closely, because the next part of this story takes place during the victory tour, the next segment takes place many days after this happened.

Next you’re gonna tell me this story is told in chronological order or some revolutionary shit like that!

And I almost wish it didn’t. I just want the world to be peaceful. That though, will most likely never happen.

Okay, FireLordMowse, are you secretly trying to get me to snark a fic that manages to take one element of all the fics I’ve snarked thus far in the library and amalgamate them into a massive package of suck for the specific purpose of torturing me? ‘Cause if that was your intent, then congratulations, you’ve achieved exactly what you set out to get!

If not, though, your story sucks.

How much longer have we got to snark this thing, anyway?

*peeks ahead*

Four more goddamn chapters!?!?

*headdesk*

Well, on the plus side, the light at the end of the tunnel is visible.

Only two more installments, patrons.

Pray for me.

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29 Comments on “1028: District 9 and three quarters – Chapters Fourteen and Fifteen”

  1. TacoMagic says:

    How are you two in any way even?

    *Taco’s brain comes screeching to a halt*

    It took me way longer than it should have to decipher that sentence. I think I need more coffee.

    Nouning is weird language.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Oh well. I don’t really care what they think. The world revolves around me, me, me!

    Not since ZincRae’s “Plus I am a likeable person so no raptor from the pack will attack me” has there been such a moment of unrepentant Sueism.

  3. TacoMagic says:

    I think, I would have rater died in the bloodbath. I think I would have rather had no dreams at all than more dreams.

    Ladies and gentlemen, our predator.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    Seriously, you know your character is bad when she makes you pine for the disingenuous misanthropy of Ulrich-Stu…

    Still… she’s better than Buster.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *raises hand*

      That is true. At least she isn’t a genocidal, hypocritical dickbag who likes being a controlling douche.

      Though really, you could probably say that Stalin is better than Buster. Really, no one can be worse than Buster.

  5. TacoMagic says:

    AGAIN, SORRY FOR TYPOS! Ignore all the my dears, and honeys.

    I never even considered I could that! Hold on, I have a new way to end any chapter of any fic I write!

    AGAIN, SORRY FOR THE FIC TOTALLY BLOWING! Ignore everything you didn’t like and just sub in actual good character development, quality prose, and gripping plot wherever you think the story needs it! Thankies!

    See! PERFECT! I’m gonna start writing my new Star Fox / MLP crossover! Quality slash-fic here I-

    *GONG* *WHUMP*

    “He just needs a little reset. We’ll get it sorted.”

    *Swenia drags Taco out of the lobby.*

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      You know, Swenia… I really did want to see what the hell kind of Star Fox/MLP fic he’d come up with.

      *BAM*

      • TacoMagic says:

        Chapter 1: Falco Hunts Cloaca.

        Falco said to himself, I wan some cloaca, so I’m going to hunt it! I bet Pinkie Pie knows where the best is, though Falko to himself.

        OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

        AGAIN, SORRY FOR THE FIC TOTALLY BLOWING! Ignore everything you didn’t like and just sub in actual good character development, quality prose, and gripping plot wherever you think the story needs it! Thankies!

        *GONG* *WHUMP*

        “Sorry, he got away from me.”

        *Swenia drags Taco out of the lobby again.*

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        Oh no, the badfic disease has gotten to him! Quick, someone get the electrodes! We need to zap it out of him!

      • agigabyte says:

        agig: I need a Decontamination/Containment team here, stat!

        Cain: And bring me some hot cocoa, I’m inventorying the FBM! I can’t look at all the badfic objects without hot cocoa.

        agig: And bring me an Angry Orchard Cider!

  6. TacoMagic says:

    You’ll find out in ch 21! (or before) Be proud of me, 2,000 words!

    Wow! That’s like, nearly half the words any of the librarians write for their riffs on a weekly basis! Accomplishment!

    Seriously though, author, most readers would rather digest 500 words of exceptionally written work than 3,000 words that are loaded with padding just for the sake of word count. Being pithy is always preferable to bombasity.

    As an aside: the complete word-count of all the Library’s posts is extremely daunting. We passed the 2 million mark a while ago, now. And that’s not counting the comments.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Holy fuck, two million words total…

      We’re going to pass the Encyclopedia Brittanica at this rate, aren’t we?

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        That might take awhile, considering that the Encyclopedia Brittanica is estmated at around 44 million words. However, you have surpassed the word count of the longest novel ever published: Artamène ou le Grand Cyrus (1,954,300 words).

  7. TacoMagic says:

    “Edel, I need to have some way to stop this thing, ”

  8. son_of_heaven176 says:

    Plot? Coherence? Making sure that your sentences don’t look like a monkey just scrambled random words together?

    That’s apparently what other writers do!

  9. Qovapryi says:

    It’s official – this story was much much funnier when the author did at least somehow hide this blatant attempt to troll her audience. I can’t fathom ANYONE finding anything likable into these fifteen chapters, not even the author himself if she got to re-read it at least once – which I’m honestly starting to doubt she did. On that matter, I genuinely wonder about the tenor of the reviews this story received on fanfiction.net…

    Also I’ll never forgive FLM for that pathetic slap in the face to all TV editors. :/

  10. agigabyte says:

    Are we sure this isn’t a troll fic?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I have no idea.

      Honestly, for a reason that shows up in an author’s note in the next chapter, I don’t think it is. You’ll see why.

  11. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Remeber when I said earlier the Edel was becoming like Bella Swan? Well, I was wrong. Edel isn’t like Bella Swan, she IS Bella Swan, with all the bitchyness, stupidity and selfishness that entails.


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