1026: Tangled: alternative story

Title: Tangled: alternative story
Author: BionicDragonSpirit
Media: Movie
Topic: Tangled
Genre: Romance / Humor
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle

Happy Monday, everyone!  I hope your weekends (if you have stereotypical weekends) were good.  If you’re still on your weekend, like I am, then party-time!  *puts on a party hat*

This week we are going to tackle chapter two of the “What If” fic “Tangled: alternative story.”  Last week we watched as the author tried to show what would have happened if Rapunzel grew up as she should have in the palace with her parents.  However, the author tried to merge Rapunzel’s canonical personality and habits into the story.  These things came about because of her life in the tower, though, and have no place in this story.  It’s pretty dumb.  As far as actual “plot,” Rapunzel abducts adopts Pascal the Chameleon, brushes her hair, and then hits a potential member of her parents’ staff with an entirely out-of-place frying pan.

Also, Taco brought up a point in the comment section that I thought about and forgot to point out: If Rapunzel grew up in her palace with her parents, why have they never cut her hair?  The only reason she didn’t get a haircut in the movie was because Gothel needed the magic in her hair to stay young.  Without that influence, Rapunzel would have probably gotten her first haircut by the time she was two years old, rendering her a brunette and destroying any magic she retained from the flower.

Now that we’ve gotten that point made, let’s see what chapter two has in store for us!

Hey second chapter for this story. Hope you like it, I’ll be joining this story with my Jelsa fic.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Tangled/Rapunzel

We know it’s the second chapter.  There’s no possible way to get to this chapter via fanfiction.net without having first gone through the first chapter.  Stop padding your word count.  There is no need to put a disclaimer in the second chapter of your story.

There’s really no need to put on in the first chapter of your story, but I digress.  It’s like an unspoken fanfiction rule that you have to disclaim that you aren’t the creator.

…I’m totally going to write my own fanfiction when I get published and I’m going to put a disclaimer saying that I DO own the source content.  That’ll throw them all off.

*steals the comma and places a semi-colon instead*

And what does she mean she’ll be joining it with her Jelsa fic?  You can’t exactly merge stories in ff.net.  I’m guessing she means she’ll be referring to occurrences within her Jelsa fic, placing the two works in the same universe.  Since it’s been canonically established that the world of Frozen and the world of Tangled are part of the same universe, I won’t argue with her “merging.”  I’m ignoring the fact that she’s pulled a Dreamworks character into things.

Proof of same universe: During "First Time in Forever" number you can see Eugene and Rapunzel walking by Anna.

Proof of same universe: During “For the First Time in Forever” number in Frozen you can see Eugene and Rapunzel walking by Anna.

*glances ahead*  Oh my… we have seven paragraphs in this chapter.  There should be many, many more than that.  I’m going to break them apart as we go.

*hefts the sledgehammer*

The man slowly regained his consciousness.

As opposed to someone else’s consciousness?

He attempted to rub his hurting head but when he tried to move his hands, he realized he was tied up. He soon was brought to his situation; he was tied up on a chair, in a dark room.

HOLY SHITBALLS!

Sorry about the all-caps, but a fic author properly used a semi-colon.  I think I mean a moment.  I’m floored.

*intermission is called while Lyle crochets a hat*

Okay, I’m calm now.  Moving right along.

He tried desperately to pry his hands free but found the knot too tight. He gave up prying his hands and just relaxed into the surprisingly comfortable chair.

That’s all the first paragraph.  There is actually nothing overly wrong with it.  It’s decently written, has proper punctuation.  And is pretty much ripped exactly from the canonical movie after Eugene climbs into Rapunzel’s tower to escape Maximus the Horse.

*slams sledgehammer into the next paragraph*

As he was getting comfortable, the doors to the room opened. Rapunzel slowly approached the man. “Sorry” said Rapunzel. “Wha?” said the man in confusion.

*cringes*  All the dialogue is mushed together like this.  There’s no carriage returns between new people speaking.  And for using a semi-colon correctly, why can’t she use commas properly?

“About the lights, we never use this room anymore. So we never fix the lights here” said Rapunzel, all the while not making eyesight.

So you’re approaching an unknown person in a dark room while not looking at them?  If the room is dark, how can she even see what she’s doing?

“Oh no, it’s ok. At least we have a bit of light.” said the man, looking up through the glass roof. “Yeah… Anyway, you have a name?” asked Rapunzel, looking at the man. “Sorry, I don’t tell strangers my name.” said the man, in a ‘cool’ tone. “Really? Let me re-phrase that” said Rapunzel as she took out her frying pan.

…Took it out from where, exactly?

We’re going to pause here while I switch weapons.

*puts down the sledgehammer and picks up Carlos the Cattle Prod*

*BZZZZZT!*

We need to have another chat about the reality of the AU she’s set up.  Rapunzel grew up in her parents’ castle.  She’s their only child, which makes her the only princess in the kingdom.  That’s a pretty conspicuous position to be in.  From what we’ve seen of the Kingdom of Corona in the movie, the royal family is highly loved by the populous.  Rapunzel would have grown up in the public eye.  She would not be a “stranger” to Eugene, who grew up in that country.  Even if he had never seen her, he would realize that “well dressed blonde girl with ridiculously long hair” would be Princess Rapunzel.  The sheer idiocy of the fact that he doesn’t recognize her for who she is means that our author has no concept of how things would actually have differed if Rapunzel wasn’t kidnapped by Gothel.  Things would be vastly different.  Instead, our author has made things essentially the same, just changed the location.

*puts down Carlos and picks up the sledgehammer*  We’re still only halfway through this paragraph.

“Uhh… My name’s Flynn?” said Flynn, showing his teeth.

I’m imagining Eugene snarling at her like a threatened dog.  If this is meant to be a smile then say it’s a smile.

“Nice to meet you , Flynn” said Rapunzel, reaching out a hand to shake. Flynn stared at it and said: “Uhhmm… My hands are tied up, princess” said Flynn, shuffling his shoulders.

*A-WHOOOO-GAH! A-WHOOOO-GAH!*

Dammit!

*grabs Carlos and races out the door*

*BZZZZT!*  Back!  Back I say!

“Oh, sorry” said Rapunzel, untying one of Flynn’s hands. “What about the other on?” asked Flynn, shaking his free hand. “I’m not going to untie it, you’re probably going to escape if I did” said Rapunzel. How is she reading my mind? thought Flynn.

Because it doesn’t take a genius to realize that if you’ve been tied up by a crazy person you’d want to get away as soon as you possibly can?

Whew, that paragraph is done with.  *shoulders the sledgehammer*  Five more to go.

“Ok? You haven’t told me your name, princess” said Flynn, crossing his legs.

*grinds teeth*  See above rant.

“Oh, my name’s Rapunzel” said Rapunzel, gesturing to herself. Then she pointed to Pascal, who scurried behind Rapunzel from her shoulder. “And that’s Pascal, my pet chameleon.” said Rapunzel. “Ok, introductions done, now can you let me go?” asked Flynn. “No, why would I?” laughed Rapunzel.

You have yet to put the lotion on your skin, silly.  Don’t make her get the hose.

If Rapunzel is a properly raised princess, why hasn’t she screamed for her guards yet?  A stranger was in her tiara room.  A man, non-the-less, that may have not-so-virtuous ideas about her chastity.  As a princess who may potentially make a diplomatic marriage, her virtue would need to be safeguarded until the marriage was consummated.  A strange man mucking around the princess’ wing of the palace is going to raise some alarm bells.

“Then what do you plan to do with me?” asked Flynn, nervously. “Oh, I’m just going to keep you here until you give me back something that I own” said Rapunzel, gesturing to the bag that Flynn had on him. “This bag isn’t yours” said Flynn, grinning. “I mean the tiara in the bag, Dumbo” said Rapunzel. “What tiara?” lied Flynn, dumping the bag behind him.

He’s still tied to the chair, with the exception of one hand.  How is he dumping his bag out behind him with just one hand?  And while we’re asking “Why,” why didn’t she take her tiara back when she tied his unconscious body to the chair?  If she knew it was in there, she would have taken it, called her guards, and Eugene would have been down in the dungeons by the time he came around.

Hey, we made it through another paragraph!  This isn’t so bad!

“Pascal, please help me get the bag.” said Rapunzel. Pascal scurried down from Rapunzel’s back to the bag.

Is the bag now behind Rapunzel’s back?

Pascal instantly poked his head into the bag, digging around. “Hey!” exclaimed Flynn, reaching hand out to grab Pascal. Rapunzel walked towards Flynn as he did this. When she was in front of him, he stopped and looked at her. She then leaned and said: “Don’t you dare hurt my chameleon” in a threatening tone, making Flynn sit straight. A few minutes passed before Pascal came out again with Rapunzel’s tiara.

A few minutes?  How big is that bag?!

“Thank you” said Rapunzel to Flynn before she walked out of the room. “Hey!” shouted Flynn after Rapunzel. “What?” shouted back Rapunzel. “I’m hungry” said Flynn, like a child. “Then you’ll have to wait, dinners in a few minutes” said Rapunzel, in a motherly tone.

…This just took a weird turn, didn’t it?

So she’s going to leave him in there and then feed him dinner while being motherly to him?  Or they’re going to play house now, maybe?  Rapunzel must not have had many friends as a child.

Another paragraph down!  Three more and two single sentences left!

Flynn groaned as Rapunzel walked out of the door. He adjusted his position and realized his other hand was still untied. He instantly got off the chair and tried to untie his other hand. Soon hi hands were free. He positioned himself somewhere in the dark, ready to pounce on Rapunzel when she came back in.

How can he get off the chair?  I was under the impression he was tied to the chair.  Otherwise, what kept him seated in the first place?  If he could stand up this whole time, why didn’t he do so and just carry the chair away until he could get his hands untied?

And he’s now “somewhere” in the darkness.  That’s really descriptive.  Of course, this entire room is just one giant darkness since the author never bothered to describes it.

A few minutes later…

Everything in this world takes just a few minutes, doesn’t it?  This sentence stands alone, but really isn’t necessary.  It should have been merged with the next paragraph as a lead-in.

*hefts the sledgehammer again*  New paragraph!

Rapunzel walked in with a tray of food, her hands weren’t steady, so the tray was wobbling. “Flynn! Dinner time!” shouted Rapunzel into the room.

Why is she feeding him?  He tried to steal her tiara and has lied to her.  This makes so little sense.  He’s done nothing to warrant her giving him food.  On top of that, what respectable servant allows the princess to carry around a tray of food?

Flynn slowly snuck up on Rapunzel from the back. He caught hold of her. Rapunzel’s reflexes kicked in at this point, she took the tray and smashed it on Flynn’s face.

I’m going to stop you right there, author.

*takes the tray from Rapunzel and smacks the author with it*

Eugene has grabbed Rapunzel from behind.  He’s maybe half a head taller than her.  Her tray is full of food.  How did she hit him in the face with the tray?  And what happened to the contents of the tray?  The food was either imaginary or it vanished into thin air.

Then she kneed Flynn’s crotch, making him fall to his knees while holding on to his crotch for dear life. “Oh! I’m so sorry I didn’t know it was you” said Rapunzel.

Who else would it be?!  You’re obviously the only two people in this entire God-damned building since the author hasn’t bothered to consider that the royal family would have servants and guards.

“It’s ok, I’ve had worse” said Flynn, in a raspy voice. Rapunzel looked at Flynn for a few minutes, not motioning to help him or anything. “Aren’t you gonna help me?” asked Flynn, still in a raspy voice. “Oh, yeah” said Rapunzel, snapping out of her daydreaming and helping Flynn stand up.

Daydream?  What?  And why would she want to help you, Asshat McHatstealer?  You’ve done nothing endearing this entire time.  If anything, she should hit you again for getting out of your chair.

One more paragraph.

*takes a deep breath and swings the sledgehammer*

“Well, now you can’t eat. The food’s on the floor” said Rapunzel, looking at the pile of food on the floor.

Pile?  That implies the food landed in a nice heap.  Time for this week’s homework, class!  You’ll need to work in pairs and I don’t want to hear anyone bemoan group projects.

Now, one of you load a tray with food.  The other person needs to grab them from behind.  After smashing the grabber with the tray, I want you to analyze where the food went and how neat of a pile it finds itself in.  I can almost guarantee no one is going to find their food all in the same place.  It will splatter both participates and be flung across the room.

“You have to clean it up” said Rapunzel, turning her gaze to Flynn. “Why me?” asked Flynn. “Because you were the one who made me hit your head with it” said Rapunzel, walking out the doors. “He- Uhh… Why am I stuck with this?” said Flynn, looking at the pile of food.

This is a good question, actually.  Why not just have the servants clean it up since that’s their job.

Then he realized he didn’t have any cleaning supplies. “Hey Rapunzel! I don’t have anything to clean it with” shouted Flynn, running towards the door.

She just left you alone in the dark room.  Why aren’t you escaping?!

*smacks Eugene with the tray*

So chapter two. Hope you enjoyed, R&R.

*smacks the author with the tray*

WE. KNOW. IT’S. CHAPTER. TWO.

Not only did you establish that before the chapter began, but it’s right there.  *points to the fic’s chapter selection drop down*  Stop shoving it down our throats.

Until next week, Lovelies!  Don’t forget to hit each other with fully-laden lunch trays!

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38 Comments on “1026: Tangled: alternative story”

  1. Tie Dye Mage says:

    *does a double-take at picture*

    My mind, it is blown.

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      In all seriousness, I do love these little cameos and references. I like to think of them as little challenges for Disney fans to partake in. Kind of like the Hidden Mickeys on Disney theme park rides and attractions.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    …I’m totally going to write my own fanfiction when I get published and I’m going to put a disclaimer saying that I DO own the source content. That’ll throw them all off.

    Wait, so that was you maniacally laughing in the hallway? Shit, I owe Crunchy an apology…

    • TacoMagic says:

      Pfft. Everyone knows that Crunchy practices his maniacal laugh in the concert hall. He’s a professional villain (retired), so he absolutely demands acoustic perfection.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Wait, so he’s the one who keeps moving the piano with the force!

        *hefts Alma*

        Crunchy, we need to talk about how piano tuning works when you keep moving the damn piano! NOW!

        • TacoMagic says:

          I’m told he has a professional tuner come in and fix it after every session.

          I even have the contract here from-

          uh

          Gumdrop’s Discount Piano Tuning Services Inc.

          You might want to run for it, Crunchy.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          CRUUUUUUUUUNCHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The man slowly regained his consciousness.

    As opposed to someone else’s consciousness?

    Well, if this were on Friday the past two months, that would’ve been a valid question to ask. Elsewhere, though…

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I’m not going to untie it, you’re probably going to escape if I did” said Rapunzel.

    Um, Eugene, here’s a better idea: she just untied one of your hands for you? Why don’t you, oh, I dunno, untie your own damn hand!

    *headdesk*

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      And while we’re asking “Why,” why didn’t she take her tiara back when she tied his unconscious body to the chair?

      Honestly, Lyle, I’m not sure if the author has no concept of how different Rapunzel’s situation would be, so much as it is the author has no concept of how logic works.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Flynn groaned as Rapunzel walked out of the door. He adjusted his position and realized his other hand was still untied.

      There you go! Took you long enough! God!

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Thank you” said Rapunzel to Flynn before she walked out of the room. “Hey!” shouted Flynn after Rapunzel. “What?” shouted back Rapunzel. “I’m hungry” said Flynn, like a child. “Then you’ll have to wait, dinners in a few minutes” said Rapunzel, in a motherly tone.

    *frown*

    In about ten minutes, I expect Rapunzel is gonna do this:

  6. Tie Dye Mage says:

    A few minutes? How big is that bag?!

    Well, obviously, it’s a Bag of Holding, courtesy of the PCC.

  7. Tie Dye Mage says:

    Until next week, Lovelies! Don’t forget to hit each other with fully-laden lunch trays!

    You do realize that you just baited everyone here into starting a foodfight.

  8. DawnFire says:

    Re: the disclaimers–as far as I know, FFN still has it in the rules that you’re supposed to put a disclaimer. Some people do one for each chapter, some do one per fic, and others just put a general one in their profile to count for all the stories–but that’s how it works (unless they’ve changed the rules since I last looked at them.)

    ~DF

    • TacoMagic says:

      They actually do not have that requirement, nor have they ever. It’s a long standing misinterpretation of item 6. B. in the terms of service that has been around for the better part of a decade:

      B. You shall be solely responsible for your own User Submissions and the consequences of posting or publishing them. In connection with User Submissions, you affirm, represent, and/or warrant that: you own or have the necessary licenses, rights, consents, and permissions to use and authorize FanFiction.Net to use all patent, trademark, trade secret, copyright or other proprietary rights in and to any and all User Submissions and have all necessary consents to collect, use and disclose any personally identifiable information contained or displayed in any and all User Submissions to enable inclusion and use of the User Submissions in the manner contemplated by the Website and these Terms of Service.

      This has been misconstrued for years as “disclaim that stuff isn’t yours” but it’s never, ever meant that. At best a disclaimer adheres to the copyright fair-use requirement that source-work be cited, but that only covers small, direct quotes and not use of characters, locations, or situations from other sources to create derivative work.

      I’ve been having this very discussion for upwards of 10 years now and I can say that their terms of use have not changed appreciably since 2004. That said, even the moderators don’t really understand their own terms of use and have been caught saying that people should use disclaimers, when in fact they should be saying that submitters need to acquire the original source author’s permission to create a derivative work. But, per their posted terms of service (Which are the only terms that matter regardless of moderator opinion, assertion, or claim), there has never been a de facto requirement to include disclaimers. Which, legally speaking, there doesn’t need to be because fanfiction without express permission, by its nature, is copyright infringing regardless of citation of original source.

      Specifically, paragraphs D and F of section 6 pretty much say that it’s the submitter’s responsibility to acquire express permission to use copyrighted material and that FF.net disclaims all responsibility if users fail to acquire this permission:

      D. In connection with User Submissions, you further agree that you will not submit material that is copyrighted, protected by trade secret or otherwise subject to third party proprietary rights, including privacy and publicity rights, unless you are the owner of such rights or have permission from their rightful owner and the necessary consents from any individuals whose personally identifiable information is contained in such material to post the material and to grant FanFiction.Net all of the license rights granted herein.

      F. FanFiction.Net does not endorse any User Submission or any opinion, recommendation, or advice expressed therein, and FanFiction.Net expressly disclaims any and all liability in connection with User Submissions. FanFiction.Net does not permit copyright infringing activities and infringement of intellectual property rights on its Website, and FanFiction.Net will remove all Content and User Submissions if properly notified that such Content or User Submission infringes on another’s intellectual property rights or contravenes any applicable privacy legislation. FanFiction.Net reserves the right to remove Content and User Submissions without prior notice.

      But, as I said, moderators have been getting this wrong for years, so it’s not surprising that they’ve cultivated the misconception that disclaimers are required in the rules. And, at the end of the day, a moderator can still ban somebody for whatever they want regardless of the ToS because it’s a privately held website. That’s probably why the enforcement of any of their rules has been extremely inconsistent over the years.

      • DawnFire says:

        Huh. I definitely did not know most of that. Thanks for going into it!

        (You mean I *didn’t* have to come up with as many creative disclaimers as I did? Darn! Silly lost-in-the-mail memos…)

        ~DF

        • TacoMagic says:

          The caveat there is that the mods of FF.Net are extremely fickle and have not been above playing favorites. A rather volatile mix.

          So if you’ve got a mod who is saying you need disclaimers and they’re out to get you personally, then it’s probably just better to deal with the irritable jerks like me and put in disclaimers anyway, lest you provide them with an excuse to level the banhammer. Because, frankly, if the only thing that’s wrong with a fic is that it’s got a disclaimer, then the author won’t hear a peep out of the likes of me. Disclaimers are pointless, but are ultimately harmless*. It’s just another thing to kvetch about when dealing with an already putrid fic.

          *Sorta. One might say that cultivating a misunderstanding of copyright law with regard to fanfiction could cause harm in the right circumstances, but that’s a rather rare case anyway. Though it does provide a compelling reason not to make fanfiction of anything licensed by Disney.

  9. GhostCat says:

    Time for this week’s homework, class! You’ll need to work in pairs and I don’t want to hear anyone bemoan group projects.

    Now, one of you load a tray with food. The other person needs to grab them from behind. After smashing the grabber with the tray, I want you to analyze where the food went and how neat of a pile it finds itself in. I can almost guarantee no one is going to find their food all in the same place. It will splatter both participates and be flung across the room.

    SENSEI! We have homework!

    :ninja appears with tray of food:

    Oh, good. Now, you stand there and I’m going to try to grab you suddenly and from behind…

    :ninja vanishes, leaving Ghostie holding an empty tray:

    Well, that was unexpected.


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