1026: Tangled: alternative storyPosted: April 20, 2015
Happy Monday, everyone! I hope your weekends (if you have stereotypical weekends) were good. If you’re still on your weekend, like I am, then party-time! *puts on a party hat*
This week we are going to tackle chapter two of the “What If” fic “Tangled: alternative story.” Last week we watched as the author tried to show what would have happened if Rapunzel grew up as she should have in the palace with her parents. However, the author tried to merge Rapunzel’s canonical personality and habits into the story. These things came about because of her life in the tower, though, and have no place in this story. It’s pretty dumb. As far as actual “plot,” Rapunzel
abducts adopts Pascal the Chameleon, brushes her hair, and then hits a potential member of her parents’ staff with an entirely out-of-place frying pan.
Also, Taco brought up a point in the comment section that I thought about and forgot to point out: If Rapunzel grew up in her palace with her parents, why have they never cut her hair? The only reason she didn’t get a haircut in the movie was because Gothel needed the magic in her hair to stay young. Without that influence, Rapunzel would have probably gotten her first haircut by the time she was two years old, rendering her a brunette and destroying any magic she retained from the flower.
Now that we’ve gotten that point made, let’s see what chapter two has in store for us!
Hey second chapter for this story. Hope you like it, I’ll be joining this story with my Jelsa fic.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Tangled/Rapunzel
We know it’s the second chapter. There’s no possible way to get to this chapter via fanfiction.net without having first gone through the first chapter. Stop padding your word count. There is no need to put a disclaimer in the second chapter of your story.
There’s really no need to put on in the first chapter of your story, but I digress. It’s like an unspoken fanfiction rule that you have to disclaim that you aren’t the creator.
…I’m totally going to write my own fanfiction when I get published and I’m going to put a disclaimer saying that I DO own the source content. That’ll throw them all off.
*steals the comma and places a semi-colon instead*
And what does she mean she’ll be joining it with her Jelsa fic? You can’t exactly merge stories in ff.net. I’m guessing she means she’ll be referring to occurrences within her Jelsa fic, placing the two works in the same universe. Since it’s been canonically established that the world of Frozen and the world of Tangled are part of the same universe, I won’t argue with her “merging.” I’m ignoring the fact that she’s pulled a Dreamworks character into things.
*glances ahead* Oh my… we have seven paragraphs in this chapter. There should be many, many more than that. I’m going to break them apart as we go.
*hefts the sledgehammer*
The man slowly regained his consciousness.
As opposed to someone else’s consciousness?
He attempted to rub his hurting head but when he tried to move his hands, he realized he was tied up. He soon was brought to his situation; he was tied up on a chair, in a dark room.
Sorry about the all-caps, but a fic author properly used a semi-colon. I think I mean a moment. I’m floored.
*intermission is called while Lyle crochets a hat*
Okay, I’m calm now. Moving right along.
He tried desperately to pry his hands free but found the knot too tight. He gave up prying his hands and just relaxed into the surprisingly comfortable chair.
That’s all the first paragraph. There is actually nothing overly wrong with it. It’s decently written, has proper punctuation. And is pretty much ripped exactly from the canonical movie after Eugene climbs into Rapunzel’s tower to escape Maximus the Horse.
*slams sledgehammer into the next paragraph*
As he was getting comfortable, the doors to the room opened. Rapunzel slowly approached the man. “Sorry” said Rapunzel. “Wha?” said the man in confusion.
*cringes* All the dialogue is mushed together like this. There’s no carriage returns between new people speaking. And for using a semi-colon correctly, why can’t she use commas properly?
“About the lights, we never use this room anymore. So we never fix the lights here” said Rapunzel, all the while not making eyesight.
So you’re approaching an unknown person in a dark room while not looking at them? If the room is dark, how can she even see what she’s doing?
“Oh no, it’s ok. At least we have a bit of light.” said the man, looking up through the glass roof. “Yeah… Anyway, you have a name?” asked Rapunzel, looking at the man. “Sorry, I don’t tell strangers my name.” said the man, in a ‘cool’ tone. “Really? Let me re-phrase that” said Rapunzel as she took out her frying pan.
…Took it out from where, exactly?
We’re going to pause here while I switch weapons.
*puts down the sledgehammer and picks up Carlos the Cattle Prod*
We need to have another chat about the reality of the AU she’s set up. Rapunzel grew up in her parents’ castle. She’s their only child, which makes her the only princess in the kingdom. That’s a pretty conspicuous position to be in. From what we’ve seen of the Kingdom of Corona in the movie, the royal family is highly loved by the populous. Rapunzel would have grown up in the public eye. She would not be a “stranger” to Eugene, who grew up in that country. Even if he had never seen her, he would realize that “well dressed blonde girl with ridiculously long hair” would be Princess Rapunzel. The sheer idiocy of the fact that he doesn’t recognize her for who she is means that our author has no concept of how things would actually have differed if Rapunzel wasn’t kidnapped by Gothel. Things would be vastly different. Instead, our author has made things essentially the same, just changed the location.
*puts down Carlos and picks up the sledgehammer* We’re still only halfway through this paragraph.
“Uhh… My name’s Flynn?” said Flynn, showing his teeth.
I’m imagining Eugene snarling at her like a threatened dog. If this is meant to be a smile then say it’s a smile.
“Nice to meet you , Flynn” said Rapunzel, reaching out a hand to shake. Flynn stared at it and said: “Uhhmm… My hands are tied up, princess” said Flynn, shuffling his shoulders.
*grabs Carlos and races out the door*
*BZZZZT!* Back! Back I say!
“Oh, sorry” said Rapunzel, untying one of Flynn’s hands. “What about the other on?” asked Flynn, shaking his free hand. “I’m not going to untie it, you’re probably going to escape if I did” said Rapunzel. How is she reading my mind? thought Flynn.
Because it doesn’t take a genius to realize that if you’ve been tied up by a crazy person you’d want to get away as soon as you possibly can?
Whew, that paragraph is done with. *shoulders the sledgehammer* Five more to go.
“Ok? You haven’t told me your name, princess” said Flynn, crossing his legs.
*grinds teeth* See above rant.
“Oh, my name’s Rapunzel” said Rapunzel, gesturing to herself. Then she pointed to Pascal, who scurried behind Rapunzel from her shoulder. “And that’s Pascal, my pet chameleon.” said Rapunzel. “Ok, introductions done, now can you let me go?” asked Flynn. “No, why would I?” laughed Rapunzel.
You have yet to put the lotion on your skin, silly. Don’t make her get the hose.
If Rapunzel is a properly raised princess, why hasn’t she screamed for her guards yet? A stranger was in her tiara room. A man, non-the-less, that may have not-so-virtuous ideas about her chastity. As a princess who may potentially make a diplomatic marriage, her virtue would need to be safeguarded until the marriage was consummated. A strange man mucking around the princess’ wing of the palace is going to raise some alarm bells.
“Then what do you plan to do with me?” asked Flynn, nervously. “Oh, I’m just going to keep you here until you give me back something that I own” said Rapunzel, gesturing to the bag that Flynn had on him. “This bag isn’t yours” said Flynn, grinning. “I mean the tiara in the bag, Dumbo” said Rapunzel. “What tiara?” lied Flynn, dumping the bag behind him.
He’s still tied to the chair, with the exception of one hand. How is he dumping his bag out behind him with just one hand? And while we’re asking “Why,” why didn’t she take her tiara back when she tied his unconscious body to the chair? If she knew it was in there, she would have taken it, called her guards, and Eugene would have been down in the dungeons by the time he came around.
Hey, we made it through another paragraph! This isn’t so bad!
“Pascal, please help me get the bag.” said Rapunzel. Pascal scurried down from Rapunzel’s back to the bag.
Is the bag now behind Rapunzel’s back?
Pascal instantly poked his head into the bag, digging around. “Hey!” exclaimed Flynn, reaching hand out to grab Pascal. Rapunzel walked towards Flynn as he did this. When she was in front of him, he stopped and looked at her. She then leaned and said: “Don’t you dare hurt my chameleon” in a threatening tone, making Flynn sit straight. A few minutes passed before Pascal came out again with Rapunzel’s tiara.
A few minutes? How big is that bag?!
“Thank you” said Rapunzel to Flynn before she walked out of the room. “Hey!” shouted Flynn after Rapunzel. “What?” shouted back Rapunzel. “I’m hungry” said Flynn, like a child. “Then you’ll have to wait, dinners in a few minutes” said Rapunzel, in a motherly tone.
…This just took a weird turn, didn’t it?
So she’s going to leave him in there and then feed him dinner while being motherly to him? Or they’re going to play house now, maybe? Rapunzel must not have had many friends as a child.
Another paragraph down! Three more and two single sentences left!
Flynn groaned as Rapunzel walked out of the door. He adjusted his position and realized his other hand was still untied. He instantly got off the chair and tried to untie his other hand. Soon hi hands were free. He positioned himself somewhere in the dark, ready to pounce on Rapunzel when she came back in.
How can he get off the chair? I was under the impression he was tied to the chair. Otherwise, what kept him seated in the first place? If he could stand up this whole time, why didn’t he do so and just carry the chair away until he could get his hands untied?
And he’s now “somewhere” in the darkness. That’s really descriptive. Of course, this entire room is just one giant darkness since the author never bothered to describes it.
A few minutes later…
Everything in this world takes just a few minutes, doesn’t it? This sentence stands alone, but really isn’t necessary. It should have been merged with the next paragraph as a lead-in.
*hefts the sledgehammer again* New paragraph!
Rapunzel walked in with a tray of food, her hands weren’t steady, so the tray was wobbling. “Flynn! Dinner time!” shouted Rapunzel into the room.
Why is she feeding him? He tried to steal her tiara and has lied to her. This makes so little sense. He’s done nothing to warrant her giving him food. On top of that, what respectable servant allows the princess to carry around a tray of food?
Flynn slowly snuck up on Rapunzel from the back. He caught hold of her. Rapunzel’s reflexes kicked in at this point, she took the tray and smashed it on Flynn’s face.
I’m going to stop you right there, author.
*takes the tray from Rapunzel and smacks the author with it*
Eugene has grabbed Rapunzel from behind. He’s maybe half a head taller than her. Her tray is full of food. How did she hit him in the face with the tray? And what happened to the contents of the tray? The food was either imaginary or it vanished into thin air.
Then she kneed Flynn’s crotch, making him fall to his knees while holding on to his crotch for dear life. “Oh! I’m so sorry I didn’t know it was you” said Rapunzel.
Who else would it be?! You’re obviously the only two people in this entire God-damned building since the author hasn’t bothered to consider that the royal family would have servants and guards.
“It’s ok, I’ve had worse” said Flynn, in a raspy voice. Rapunzel looked at Flynn for a few minutes, not motioning to help him or anything. “Aren’t you gonna help me?” asked Flynn, still in a raspy voice. “Oh, yeah” said Rapunzel, snapping out of her daydreaming and helping Flynn stand up.
Daydream? What? And why would she want to help you, Asshat McHatstealer? You’ve done nothing endearing this entire time. If anything, she should hit you again for getting out of your chair.
One more paragraph.
*takes a deep breath and swings the sledgehammer*
“Well, now you can’t eat. The food’s on the floor” said Rapunzel, looking at the pile of food on the floor.
Pile? That implies the food landed in a nice heap. Time for this week’s homework, class! You’ll need to work in pairs and I don’t want to hear anyone bemoan group projects.
Now, one of you load a tray with food. The other person needs to grab them from behind. After smashing the grabber with the tray, I want you to analyze where the food went and how neat of a pile it finds itself in. I can almost guarantee no one is going to find their food all in the same place. It will splatter both participates and be flung across the room.
“You have to clean it up” said Rapunzel, turning her gaze to Flynn. “Why me?” asked Flynn. “Because you were the one who made me hit your head with it” said Rapunzel, walking out the doors. “He- Uhh… Why am I stuck with this?” said Flynn, looking at the pile of food.
This is a good question, actually. Why not just have the servants clean it up since that’s their job.
Then he realized he didn’t have any cleaning supplies. “Hey Rapunzel! I don’t have anything to clean it with” shouted Flynn, running towards the door.
She just left you alone in the dark room. Why aren’t you escaping?!
*smacks Eugene with the tray*
So chapter two. Hope you enjoyed, R&R.
*smacks the author with the tray*
WE. KNOW. IT’S. CHAPTER. TWO.
Not only did you establish that before the chapter began, but it’s right there. *points to the fic’s chapter selection drop down* Stop shoving it down our throats.
Until next week, Lovelies! Don’t forget to hit each other with fully-laden lunch trays!