1019: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter One

Title: Tangled: alternative story
Author: BionicDragonSpirit
Media: Movie
Topic: Tangled
Genre: Romance / Humor
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello everyone!  I’ve got spectacular news!

*holds up a cattle prod*

I found Carlos!

*BZZZZZZT!*

And he’s super excited to be back, as you can tell.  *tucks the cattle prod through her belt*

Now to today’s riff.  I’ve found a new multi-chapter fic to take apart.  This one is called “Tangled: alternative story,” written by BionicDragonSpirit.  The title caught my attention due to the fail to capitalize words.

For those unfamiliar with Tangled, it’s the Disney remake of the fable “Rapunzel.”  I, personally, like it more than “Frozen.”  Pretty much what happens is an evil witch named Gothel kidnaps Rapunzel for her magic hair after the queen consumes a potion while pregnant that was made from a magical flower that kept Gothel young for hundreds of years.  A rogue named Flynn (real name Eugene) finds Rapunzel by accident and promises to take her out of her tower to see some floating lanterns.  Goofy hijinks and Disney love happen, evil is defeated, and she gets reunited with her parents in a happily-ever-after sort of way.

That’s not what this story is about though.

What if Rapunzel wasn’t kidnapped in the real movie? Your about o find out in this story.

Now, putting aside that she used the wrong your/you’re and forgot a “t” in “to,” the thing that really jumps out at me is the phrase “the real movie.”  Is this opposed to the fake movie of “Tangled?”  I wasn’t aware there was a copy-cat movie out there posing as the real one.

Out of curiosity, I went to the writer’s profile to see if perhaps it listed an age.  If I know the author is exceptionally young, I usually will avoid their story.  No age was listed, though, rendering this fic fair game.  Hell, the profile is worth a mini-riff.  Let’s take a look at it before we jump into the story, shall we?

I am a hardcore Jelsa shipper,

A quick search of her “literary” works shows that Jelsa is the cross-over pairing of Elsa from “Frozen” and Jack Frost from “Rise of the Guardians.”  This author is so in love with this pairing that she’s “hardcore” about it.  O…kay, then.  Each to their own.  What else is in this profile?

I also ship:

1. Aryagon (Arya x Eragon)

2. Merricup (Merida x Hiccup)

3. Kristanna (Kristoff x Anna)

4. Brase (Bree x Chase)

A list of shipped pairs.  I guess that’s not too abnormal for a fic writer to have in their profile.  It makes it easier to pick through their archive if you know they’ll pretty much all be these pairings.  You know what isn’t listed?  Anything about Tangled pairings, which is odd considering the fic is for Tangled.  Oh, there’s more!

I go by the nickname Frost, people rarely call me Frost I just made the nickname Frost up for myself

*slow blink*

*finger’s Carlos’ handle*

I’m sorry, BDS, but you don’t just get to pick your own nickname and tell people to call you that.  Nicknames are earned over time through interactions with others.  There’s a reason people call me “Lyle” and it wasn’t because I wanted to be called that.

Well That’s almost all about me.

This sentence can be taken two ways: either there isn’t much else to know about here, or not all all of this information is actually about BDS.  It’s like that game Two Truths and a Lie.  The trick is figuring out what part of the profile is falsified.

Anyway, enough fiddly-farting around.  Let’s get to the fic!

Hey guys. Third story, a Flynnuzel story. Sooo, yeah. Third story.

Shiiiiiit-

*A-WHOOO-GAH! A-WHOOO-GAH!*

*hooks Carlos up to the door handle and flips him on*

That should hold them.

Flynnuzel = Flynn/Eugene and Rapunzel pairing, which is actually canon to the movie for those not familiar with the source.  At the end of the movie they’re engaged to be married.  That aside, what was the point of that author’s note?

Disclaimer: I do not own Tangle/Rapunzel, just the plot.

The plot of this story, or the plot of the movie Tangled?  Obligatorily unnecessary disclaimer aside, that sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Diving into the meat of the story, I’ll be breaking up the paragraphs a little to make this easier to digest.

In the castle of Corona, sat the princess of Corona, Rapunzel.

*steals the first comma and puts in the punctuation box*

*BZZZZZT!*

*glances at the door and hears the muffled sound of swears from the other side*

Excellent.

Stating that the princess that is sitting in the castle is the princess of that castle is unnecessary.  It could have easily said “Rapunzel, the princess of Corona, sat in her castle” and avoided the redundancy and awkward phrasing.

Her parents, the king and queen, were out on a trade overseas.

*rubs forehead a bit*

Royalty do not “trade.”  They leave that to their trade minister, or whoever holds a similar office in the royal cabinet of advisers and officials.  Now, the monarchs might be off on a diplomatic visit.  That would be more accurate a reason for her parents to have left town.

She sat there bored, staring at the walls and floor.

So Rapunzel is sitting alone in a room, staring at the floor and the walls.  That sounds very… un-Rapunzel-like.  From the movie, we know she has a shit-ton of hobbies that keep her busy every day.  Maybe growing up in the castle and not with Mother Gothel made Rapunzel a much more boring person.  That’s actually kind of sad.  Here’s Rapunzel keeping busy in canon:

She suddenly spotted a chameleon, she instantly rushed over to the chameleon, almost petrifying it.

*steals the comma and puts a semi-colon there*

*BZZZZZT!*

DRD Agent: Sonofa-

Mwahaha!

“Woah there little fella, I won’t hurt you” said Rapunzel, reaching out to touch the chameleon. “I’m going to keep you, I’ll name you Pascal.” said Rapunzel, picking up Pascal.

*adds three commas and steals the period*

BDS is not so good at punctuation.

One paragraph down.  Next!

Rapunzel took out a comb and started to comb her long thirty meter hair.

It’s never specified just how long Rapunzel’s hair became before it was cut off.  30 meters is about 32 yards, for those of the American persuasion who have difficulty visualizing metric measurements.  I’m not sure if a third of a football field is accurate for her hair length, but it could very well be since it’s pretty damn long in the movie.

So she’s combing her hair with a comb.  This is one case where I would actually encourage the author to pick up a thesaurus.  The redundancies are going to drain Carlos’ batteries-

*BZZZZZZT!*

DRD Agent: GAH!

Though surprisingly, she could walk fine with thirty meters of hair behind her. As she combed, she hummed a tune. Slowly, her humming turned into singing. She sang:

While Carlos is preoccupied keeping the DRD outside my office, he isn’t my only weapon.  *hefts Harry*

*THWACK!*

“She sang:” makes me cringe.  There are other ways to indicate she’s about to sing a song than just stating it.

Flower, gleam and glow

Let your power shine

Make the clock reverse

Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt

Change the fates’ design

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine

*opens mouth*

*snaps it shut*

*THWACK!*

Okay, so we’re assuming that she grew up in the castle as a pretty little princess without the influence of Mother Gothel, the witch that kidnapped her in the canon movie.  So tell me, author, how the fuck Rapunzel knows this song when it was Mother Gothel who taught it to her?  It’s the song that activates the magic in the flower essence that Rapunzel is infused with.  There was no one else but Mother Gothel who knew the incantation.

She repeated this song as she combed her long hair. When she was about halfway through her hair, she heard a noise coming from the room her tiara was in. You see, she never liked wearing her tiara, it made her head itch.

*grinds teeth*

Please, please, please learn how to use your commas.  You’re trying, I can see you are.  It isn’t there yet.  And get rid of that “you see.”  It sounds a bit condescending to your audience and puts off the voice of the narration.  I’ll give a pass to the itchy-head thing.   That’s feasible.

Rapunzel stuffed the comb back to where she found it and picked up a frying pan nearby. Though she wouldn’t admit, the frying pan gave her a sense of protection.

…Is she sitting in the kitchen?  Why else would she be near a frying pan?  It seems odd that the tiara room would be connected to the kitchen.

I think the author is trying to incorporate all the things that Rapunzel had at her disposal while living with Mother Gothel, without having her live with Mother Gothel.  The problem with this is that without the element of Gothel in the story, it makes absolutely no sense.  Mother Gothel is what made Rapunzel the Rapunzel we all know.  The one-room tower Rapunzel lived in is why she had a frying pan on hand when Flynn showed up.  In a giant castle, she would not have immediate access to a frying pan.

She slowly moved towards the door of her tiaras’ room. She pushed open the door and swung her frying pan in the air, knocking someone’s head. Her eyes were closed when she swung the frying pan, so she didn’t see who was it she hit. She opened her eyes and saw a male about her age laying on the floor, she looked at her frying pan and murmured: “Can’t take care of myself aye, Mom?” tossing the frying pan in the air and catching it.

I’m sorry, but what?

*rolls out the chalkboard and points an eraser at BDS*  Shame on you for forcing me to make a list.

1.) This scene is more or less lifted from the movie, changing things just slightly so that she hits Flynn in her tiara’s room instead of in the tower room where this event is actually supposed to happen.

2.) At no time in this story has the author established that Rapunzel’s mother thinks that the girl can’t take care of herself.

3.) She’s living in a mother-fluffing castle.  Where the fuck are all her guards and servants?  Wouldn’t it make sense that the noise from the other room was a maid cleaning it?

4.) Assuming the normality of servants in a FUCKING CASTLE, why would Rapunzel swing wildly at someone with her eyes closed?  She could very well have just hit her chancellor or a butler.

5.) If the above mentioned points are not, in fact, true, then why did her parents leave her all alone in a castle if they didn’t believe her capable of looking out for herself?!

*chucks the eraser at the author’s head*

THINK YOUR PLOT THROUGH!

The man groaned and Rapunzel hit him again. The man fainted.

I think “fainted” is not the word you want here.  The words you want are “rendered unconscious through blunt-force trauma to the face.”

Super short chapter to start off this story. Hope you like it. R&R

At least the author uses some sort of differentiation to show her author’s notes are not part of the story.  I’ll give her that.  Plus she’s kept her author’s notes out of the prose.  And I’d rather have a short chapter of crap than a long chapter of crap.  I liked that part, at least.

The next chapter is longer and much more convoluted as we discover the author does not start new paragraphs when someone new starts talking.  There’s a lot of blocks-o-dialogue that I don’t want to wade through right now.  We’ll save it for next week.  Have a good one!

*detaches Carlos from the door and peers into the hallway at the pile of DRD agents unconscious on the ground.*

I’ve missed you.

*BZZZZZT!*

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39 Comments on “1019: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter One”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    For those unfamiliar with Tangled, it’s the Disney remake of the fable “Rapunzel.” I, personally, like it more than “Frozen.”

    Eh, I dunno. I think that part of the reason why Frozen is better regarded than Tangled might be ’cause Frozen actually had memorable songs. Say what you will about the fact that they use the four pop chords, the tunes were memorable. I only remember like, two songs from Tangled and that was it.

    I dunno.

    • Placido Farren says:

      I kind of like them both, for different reasons: Tangled for being an equal parts dramatic and humorous retelling of a classic fairy tale and Frozen for having a very memorable soundtrack.

      • "Lyle" says:

        I didn’t say I didn’t like Frozen. I just prefer Tangled. I think it’s the humor. The music in Frozen is more memorable but that doesn’t make it the better movie.

      • GhostCat says:

        I like the humor in Tangled, and the relationship between Rapunzel and Flynn/Eugene is actually developed over time rather than the typical instant romance that you usually see in Disney films. Frozen didn’t have a clearly defined antagonist until well over two-thirds of the film was over, so the plot felt very directionless until it reached that point.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    No age was listed, though, rendering this fic fair game. Hell, the profile is worth a mini-riff.

    Oh dear…

    • Placido Farren says:

      Let’s not get carried away here. At the very least, they don’t appear to be like one of those prepubescent Halo players that swear a lot as a way of displaying maturity.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        That’s not why I was ‘oh dear’ing. See, if you can snark the profile, you know your stories are toast.

      • Placido Farren says:

        True. If that’s the case, this is going to hurt in the long run. I’ve got my headache pills at the ready.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Flynnuzel

    *snerk*

    Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought this would make a good name for a Pokemon!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      The man groaned and Rapunzel hit him again. The man fainted.

      And speaking of terms you might find in Pokemon…

      • Placido Farren says:

        Rapunzel used Frying Pan!

        It’s super effective!

        The wild Flynn fainted!

        Rapunzel gained over 9000 Exp. Points!

    • agigabyte says:

      I most definitely agree.

    • Placido Farren says:

      laughs

      Trust me, you’re not alone in that regard. I bet Nintendo could gather up half a generation of names just from looking at shipping names. Merricup, for example, could be a Grass-type Pokemon that looks like a buttercup with a smiley face.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I concur wholeheartedly.

      But does Arbymance evolve into Talimance, or the other way around?

      • Placido Farren says:

        Hmmm, good question.

        I’d say Talimance evolves into Arbymance. Talimance has some power and is very cunning but is ultimately very fragile. When it evolves into Arbymance, it gets an upgrade of power and durability as a result of being put through extreme conditions, while retaining its intelligence.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Arbymance just makes me think of someone who loves Arby’s roast beef too much.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Arbymance just makes me think of someone who loves Arby’s roast beef too much.

        UHM.

        Long ago I decided that the less thinking I did about the Arbiter’s “beef”, the better off everyone would be.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    At the end of the movie they’re engaged to be married.

    Didn’t the wedding also happen in an animated short where Pascal and the horse went off to try to save the wedding cake or something?

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Woah there little fella, I won’t hurt you” said Rapunzel, reaching out to touch the chameleon. “I’m going to keep you, I’ll name you Pascal.” said Rapunzel, picking up Pascal.

    I feel like this would constitute some kind of animal abduction. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you, I’m just gonna lock you up in a cage and forbid you from leaving”.

    I mean, I know, Disney princesses give their animal companions full autonomy and all that, but still!

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Though surprisingly, she could walk fine with thirty meters of hair behind her.

    Meters?

    *checks the author’s profile*

    Huh… A location isn’t actually listed.

    My money is now on this author’s first language not being English.

    • agigabyte says:

      Hopefully. If it is their first language, they need to be forcefully dragged back to middle school.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hopefully they won’t be like the author of Gabriel Hawke when it’s mentioned “just write it in your home language, please!”

    • "Lyle" says:

      I don’t know… her English isn’t bad, just redundant. She’s using meters so she may be from Ireland or Great Britain.

  7. Eryn says:

    I feel like you could sell blocks-o-dialogue on the fan fiction black market. Or, you know, trade them for a three chapter Mary Sue.

    • Placido Farren says:

      Does anyone know the going rates are for “cliche romances” and “plot contrivances?”

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I’d assume it depends on sugar content for the former and provenance for the latter. A homemade ass-pull is only going to be worth maybe a crate or two of lemons; on the collector’s market an officially licensed, pristine-condition PCC-brand Glows-In-The-Presence-of-Plot katana might get you a fragment of the Character Urblob itself.

      • agigabyte says:

        No idea, but a “Sadielover1470xxx Starter Pack” is going for just 2 “Teen Fortress 2” authors notes.

      • agigabyte says:

        And my agents are informing me that you can get just about anything for a “Marrisafication Pack”.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’ll give a pass to the itchy-head thing.

    I won’t.

    She’s got 30 meters of hair dragging along behind her, and her TIARA itches??

  9. GhostCat says:

    I am a hardcore Jelsa shipper,

    Yay! :waves tiny Jelsa flag:

    Wait, I have something in common with a badfic author.

    SENSEI! BRING THE EMERGENCY CHOCOLATES!

  10. TacoMagic says:

    Rapunzel took out a comb and started to comb her long thirty meter hair.

    *Raises hand at the back of the room*

    So, author, how did her parents know not to cut her hair?


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